30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 13 - Anna Howard Shaw Day - full transcript

Hey, Liz.

My daughter is selling Valentine
cookies for a school fundraiser.

Valentine's Day is a sham
created by card companies

to reinforce and exploit
gender stereotypes.

Evelyn, this is the lady
I was telling you about.

I like Valentine's Day.

Tommy Reticker gave me a card.

Learn from my sexual
misadventures, Evelyn.

Last Valentine's Day,
I watched my boyfriend, Drew's,

mother/grandmother die.

I met Floyd on Valentine's Day,



but he left me for
the city of Cleveland.

And forget about Dennis.

That pervert would always
just try to get me drunk.

All right, so zero cookies.

No, I'll buy some cookies.

But not for Valentine's Day.

Instead, these cookies celebrate
the February 14th birthday

of Anna Howard Shaw,
famed American suffragette.

Happy Anna Howard
Shaw Day to you, Evelyn.

Come on.

A Happy Anna Howard
Shaw Day to us all!

Lemon, which one of these ties
do you find more attractive?

The red, definitely.

Thank you.



I've got to look camera ready tonight.

I'm being interviewed on C.N.B.C.

Have you ever watched
The Hot Box with Avery Jessup?

No, C.N.B.C. gives me a headache.

I get all my money advice from P.B.S.

Where should I put my money?

In tech stocks?

Or the housing market?

Tech stocks, Foxy Moneybags!

Tech stocks!

Sir, your reservations
are all set for Valentine's Day.

And just to be clear,
are you and I exchanging...

No.

Why do you have Valentine's plans?

What about Nancy?

Nancy knows that I'm here

when she's ready.

But after what we went through...

her marriage,

the way that it ended between us it

was, uh...

very intense.

Like when you think there's one
more stair, but there isn't.

And all of a sudden, you're like "Whoa!"

Exactly.

So for now, I just want
something fun and easy.

Frankly, I could use a win.

A win?

What's with the euphemisms, Jack?

Why don't you just
say you want some...

Is that sex, Lemon?

It's the way I do it.

So who's the lucky lady?

Uh, I'm not sure yet.

I have three dates
set up across the city,

and I hope one of them works out.

How are you going to handle
three different dates?

Well, I have a system for first dates.

At an appointed time,

Jonathan calls me and tells me

that I have a conference
call with the Geneva office.

If I don't like the woman,
I have an excuse to leave.

If I do like her, I loudly tell Jonathan

that I'm doing
something more important.

The woman is suitably impressed,

and I am guaranteed
to see some underwear.

Perhaps a, uh, bra with a front clasp.

What?

What are your plans for
Valentine's Day, Lemon?

I am taking myself out
of the equation entirely.

I scheduled a root canal
for February 14th, Jack.

I will spend half the day in twilight sleep.

Then I will go home and watch
the Lifetime original movie,

My Stepson is My Cyber-Husband.

Wow, that is inspired.

You are truly the Picasso of loneliness.

Or I am that painting
elephant of being awesome.

Kenneth...

Have any packages
come for me today?

No, Miss Maroney.

Well, that doesn't make any sense.

Valentine's Day is always a huge
deal for Maynard Roger Hoynes.

That's my stalker.

You have a stalker?

It's a real problem

in the celebrity community.

But if Beyonce simply
answered one of my letters,

I'd stop trying to break into her house.

So if you haven't heard from
him, isn't that a good thing?

Kenneth, the celebrity-stalker
relationship is very special.

Maynard's debilitating devotion
validates how wonderful I am.

But what does it say
about me if he's moved on?

Maybe to one of my
peers, like Julia Roberts.

I'm sure there's a reasonable
explanation, Miss Maroney.

Hey.

Has anybody heard about
any cool, new sex positions?

My girlfriend's visiting for Valentine's

and I want to keep things caliente.

Oh, my God, Lutz.

Are you still pretending Karen exists?

She's real.

Would a fake woman
have a personal website

at JDLutz. com/karen/proof?

Oh, good grief.

My cousin set me up on a
blind date for Valentine's,

and I just found out the girl is...

well, urban.

Are you saying she's black?

I don't know how to get out of this.

Dude, come out with me.

You know that load
with the messed-up teeth

who cleans the urinals?

She'll only go out with me if
she can bring her ugly sister.

Wow, I can't believe you guys
are letting Valentine's Day win.

Not me.

One word.

Oral.

Two words.

Oral surgery.

I'm having oral surgery and
skipping Valentine's Day.

Doctor's orders.

Oh, that reminds me.

Uh, Doctor Kaplan's office called.

The want to know who's picking
you up after your procedure.

What?

Yeah, it's an insurance thing.

Anytime you have anesthesia,
someone needs to bring you home.

Hey, that stuff messes you up.

When I had my wisdom teeth out,

I tried to get in the bath with my mon.

Okay, is there any chance
that you could take me home?

Sorry, every year, Paula and I

rent this big suite up at Niagara.

Then she takes the kids there

and I stay home and
get wasted in my garage.

It's what keeps the magic alive.

Welcome back.

I'm here with Sheinhardt
Universal Vice President

Jack Donaghy.

Thanks for sitting
in "The Hot Box", Jack.

My pleasure, Avery.

Also joining me, Walter Stein,

whose bow tie tells us he works
for some liberal think tank.

And the food in his beard tells us

that he purchased a snack pack
on the train from New Haven.

Ooh, that's got to hurt, Walter.

Let's get to "The Countdown".

First topic.

Prime Minister Wynn wants a week one.

Do we?

China needs to transition
to a spending economy.

After Dubai, what's the next credit crisis?

The Baltics or women's tennis.

Do we need a second bailout?

Absolutely not.

I love it, try to get
in there, "Beta Dog".

I am trying.

Who will be the next President
of these United States?

Three.

Mitt Romney's oldest son, Jezba.

Dennis Kucinich.

Okay, that's sad, Walter.

Just sad.

Jack, back to you.

Who's number one on your speed dial?

Blackberry, Warren Buffett.

IPhone, Jimmy Buffett.

Favorite movie.

Tie, The Fountainhead or Uncle Buck.

My wife and I just saw
The Yellow Handkerchief.

Just sit a couple out, Stein, god.

AII, right, karaoke go-to?

Jack, hit me.

Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.

Oh, I rock the brothers Halen.

Let's grab a drink after this.

You read my mind.

We'll be right back after
this ad aimed at the elderly.

Excuse me one second.

Hey, Tray.

I really need a ride home from
the doctor's on Valentine's Day.

Can't do it, "Lee-Lem".

On Valentine's Day, Angie and I

rent a room with a heart-shaped
hot tub and cook chili in it.

Then we take it
to a soup kitchen

And that's where it starts to get sexy.

Hey, Jenna.

Please tell me you
haven't already concocted

your usual Valentine's Day drama.

Can't talk, Liz.

I just got my stalker's work
address from his parole officer,

and I'm going to confront him
about why he's ignoring me.

Hey, Kenneth.

Are you free on Valentine's?

No, Miss Lemon.

I'm sorry.

I will be attending an
all-day abstinence rally.

You're welcome to come.

I think I've got an extra
gender-neutralizing hood.

No, thanks.

Hey, Liz!

Hey.

The answer's no.

Hello, Maynard.

Jenna.

You shouldn't have come here.

Well, what was I supposed to do?

It's almost Valentine's Day

and I haven't
heard anything from you.

Has the dog who gives
you your orders died?

No, Brandon's fine.

Jenna, we need to talk.

I don't think I can stalk you anymore.

No, you don't mean that.

Look, I have a new therapist.

I'm taking my meds.

I can't even see electricity

shooting out of your head anymore.

Well, is there someone else?

It's one of those kids from Glee, isn't it?

Jenna, please don't make a scene.

I always knew this
would end someday.

I just thought it would be with
me in the trunk of a rental car.

So, uh, where did
you go to school?

Choate, then Yale,
then two years in Africa

with the Peace Corp.

The Peace Corps, that's surprising.

Oh, no, The Peace Corp.

Lawrence Peace's corporation.

We drilled for oil in gorilla habitats.

Of course.

You know, I learned to talk to gorillas

when I worked for G.E. Medical.

We are going to test poisons on you.

Oh.

So, uh, are you seeing anyone?

Not for a few months.

You remind me of him, actually.

I have a thing for commanding
salt-and-pepper types.

I don't know why.

I think it started when I
walked in on my parents doing it

the day Reagan was shot.

I wouldn't over-analyze that.

Mm.

Hello.

I am calling about the made-up
conference call with Geneva.

I love having secrets with you.

One time, I ran over
an old lady in Arizona

and just kept driving.

Yes, damn it, Geneva.

Well, cancel the conference call.

I'm doing something
far more important now.

And, uh, more beautiful.

You're kidding, right?

I mean, that's your move?

I beg your pardon?

It' 3:30 in the morning in Geneva, Jack.

Who's your call with?

The hooker working the
corner outside Raiffeisenbank?

Whoa, well, it is February.

And in Switzerland, that is,
uh, "Night Business Month".

Yeah, okay.

All right, I'm sorry.

I forgot who I was dealing with.

Stay and just have another drink.

Look at me, Jack.

Look how my body
goes with this dress.

I don't need to be
dealing with amateurs.

Listen, Frank.

I really need a ride home from
the doctor on Valentine's Day.

Are you free?

No, that cleaning lady finally
agreed to go out with me.

We're going to
pick up some pierogies

and then, eat them at
her husband's grave.

You thought you were so much
smarter than us, didn't you?

But now, you're in the exact
same crappy Valentine's Day boat

everyone else is in.

No, I'm not.

I just need a ride home, not a date.

They're completely different situations.

How's that?

All we want on Valentine's Day

is to know that someone cares
even a little about us.

Aren't you looking
for the same thing?

In fact, yours is worse.

If you don't get that tooth fixed,

the infection will probably move
to your brain and kill you.

Yeah, well, if I die, my
ghost is going to haunt you.

Then your ghost is going to
see some disgusting stuff.

Lemon, look at this.

It's from Avery Jessup.

Oh, It's set to the wrong time.

It's set to Geneva time.

Last night, Avery saw right
through my conference call move.

Today, she sent this.

"Hopefully, you won't make
the same mistake again,

'mon se poivre

That means "my salt
and pepper" in Swiss French.

She's hitting the ball back, Lemon.

Game on.

Wow, Avery Jessup, she's hot.

She was on Maxim's "I'd Rape That 100."

I know.

And besides being beautiful,

Avery is smart and doesn't suffer fools.

And when I eventually seduce her,

it's going to be very satisfying.

Well, great.

I hope you enjoy your weird
game of sexy oneupsmanship.

Meanwhile, the male
escort that I hired

to take me home from surgery has
had a chlamydia flare-up, so...

Uh, Lemon, I wish I could help you

but I have to concentrate on Avery.

Uh, I need a big next move,
and you have a show tonight.

I've invited her to be my
guest at the T.G. S. V.I. P room.

We don't have a V.I.P. room.

Or V.I.P.s.

Get Jon Bon Jovi.

He's N.B.C.'s current Artist-In-Residence.

What is that?

A not-stupid program that I came up with.

Bon Jovi is under contract
with us for a full year

and scheduled to appear across

a variety of programming platforms.

Okay, fine, I'll set it up.

Thank you.

Because tonight, she's going to get

the Jack Donaghy "A" game.

Ooh, she's getting the
Jack Donaghy "A" game.

I hope she can keep her clothes on.

Lemon, your hair
looks very nice today.

You should wear it
like that more often.

Oh, my.

Well, I... never, uh...

Ma'am, is something wrong?

Maynard left me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Look at this.

It's the first letter
he ever sent me.

"Jenna, I was in your
bedroom last night.

"I left a gift in your toilet.

"You will be my bride someday."

Oh, how can you be upset
about losing a guy like this,

Miss Maroney?

Look, I know it's crazy.

Maynard is a weirdo.

But that weirdo loved
me unconditionally.

You know what I realized?

He's the longest
relationship I've ever had.

Except, of course, for Doug.

Please do not say what Doug is.

Doug is my vibrator.

This is the worst
Valentine's Day ever.

Hello, this is Elizabeth Lemon.

I have surgery scheduled tomorrow,

and I am not embarrassed to tell you

that I don't have anyone to pick me up.

And I will be leaving alone.

Ma'am, you really need someone.

No, I don't.

I don't need anyone.

Because I can do every single thing

that a person in a relationship can.

Everything.

Even zip up my own dress.

You know, there are some
things that are actually harder

to do with two people.

Such as monologues.

Look, if you
really don't have anyone

you can sign a liability release.

Then, you can leave alone.

I'll fax it to your office.

Great, thank you for
looking out for a sister.

In a feminist way.

Not because you're black.

Although it doesn't matter,
because I'm black too.

Nope, you're going to meet me.

No, I'm not black.

Thank you for setting
all this up, Lemon.

Grizz, Dotcom, thank you for
pretending to be bouncers.

Maybe someday,
we'll live in a world

where you ask us to
pretend to be scientists.

Jon.

Thank you for coming.

Oh, no problem, Jack.

What do you need?

Arena rock anthem, power ballad?

Actually, I have
a date, uh, coming by.

So if you can come over
at some point and say hello,

that would really impress her.

Oh, sure.

That sounds like an appropriate
use of my time and talent.

Liz, the doctor's office
faxed this to you earlier.

Hey, when are you going to set
up that cool V.I.P. lounge?

Thank you, Cerie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You shouldn't sign anything
without reading it first.

I made that mistake once,

and I ended up N.B.C.'s
Artist-in-Residence.

Oh, okay.

Give me it.

I have an honorary degree
from Monmouth University.

Hm.

"I, the undersigned,
henceforth known as 'The Alone'

"hereby state that on February 14th,

"I have absolutely no one in my life."

You're alone on Valentine's Day?

Well, it's not about a date.

I just don't have a ride home
from the doctor's office.

But isn't that the same thing?

I mean, isn't it about
having somebody out there?

Yeah, I get it, Bon Jovi.

It's already been explained to me.

"I, 'The Alone', otherwise
known as 'Jane Sadwoman'

"release Dr. Kaplan's office
of all legal responsibilities.

"Will likely die alone,
eaten by house cats."

Boy, this seems like
a lot of unnecessary...

Forget it, I am not signing this.

I reject the idea that there
is some stigma to being alone.

All right, then what's the plan
if you don't sign the release?

I just tell them that my boyfriend

is going to pick me up.

And then, after the surgery,
I'll make a run for it.

So you're going to invent a
boyfriend on Valentine's Day?

That is the lamest thing
I've heard since this.

I'm Tyke Myson, baby boxer.

I wrote that.

Hey, Jack.

Who's this lovely?

Uh, excuse me, Bon Jovi.

I'm in the middle of
a conversation here.

Yeah, but you said to...

Uh... Thank you.

I hate it here.

Wow, that was a lot better

than your little conference call move.

Can I get you a drink, Avery?

Or we could just get out of here.

Yes, we could.

Hello, Elizabeth Lemon.

Do you have your release?

No, I don't need it.

Because my boyfriend,
Astronaut Mike Dexter,

will be picking me up.

On his motorcycle.

Mm-hm.

Take a seat.

♪ I will remember you ♪

♪ Will you remember me ♪

♪ Don't let your love... ♪

♪ Pass you by ♪

♪ Weep not for... ♪

♪...the memories ♪

♪ Remember the good times ♪

♪ that we had ♪

♪ I let them slip away from us ♪

♪ When times got bad ♪

Maynard?

♪ I will remember you ♪

You know, I don't
think the "anastacia"

actually "affectored" me.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?

We knew you'd need a ride home.

What do you mean, "we"?

You can't leave
without a ride, dummy.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, you have some dried
blood on your teeth.

You're here.

You're all here
because you didn't want

me to be alone today.

Oh, Floyd.

I still think every day
about what would have happened

if I had gone to Cleveland with you.

And even you, Dennis.

Watching The Color Purple
drunk with you

was one of the
funnest nights of my life.

Drew.

So handsome.

So, so stupid.

Seeing all of your beautiful faces

and Dennis' jean jacket,

I know that I don't need anyone,

but I do want to be loved.

We all do.

And if it didn't
work out between us,

it's just because I'm not
finished becoming me yet.

But I will find love someday.

Because I am a sailor on
the sea of the human heart.

Okay, this bitch is
tripping her ass off.

Well, what do we do with her?

I got a date tonight.

I say we order her some pizza.

Yes!

and lock her in here
for the weekend.

I'm going to start dialing
numbers until somebody picks up.

What's that, Bon Jovi?

You love me too?

Hey, do you want
to grab breakfast?

You're sweet, Jack.

But let's not pretend this
is anything more than it is.

I'm sorry?

Look, despite what happened
in the shower last night,

I'm a pretty traditional girl.

I mean, I want a husband
someday and a family.

And men like you don't.

Men like me?

That isn't fair, I want a family.

A son I can throw a
ball to and, when he's older,

have power struggles with.

Jack, you don't have
to lie to me, okay?

I love guys like you.

You're great.

For one night.

Look, Avery, I admit this
isn't what I was looking for

going into this weekend.

But you're an amazing woman.

Lemon, I can't... Oh.

You're kidding.

Oh, okay.

I'll be right there.

I need to go.

Jack, the phone trick again?

I mean, I'd be insulted

if I wasn't so impressed
by your assistant.

This isn't a trick.

I have to pick up a
hallucinating employee

of mine from the
oral surgeon's office.

Well, that's at least creative.

Look, cancel your walk of shame.

Come with me on a car ride of proof.

Oh, my God!

Who did this?

I don't know.

I guess some weirdo
out there loves you.

Thank you, Kenneth.

I don't know what
your'e talking about.

Happy Valentine's Day.

What hotel is this?

Uh, would you just
keep an eye on her?

I'm going to turn down her bed.

I was sure he was making this up.

Yes, you're a very pretty doggie.

Hey, what do you
think about Jack?

Who, Jackie?

He's the best one.

I don't know what
I would do without him.

Yeah, he's pretty great, isn't he?

Bon Jovi.

Um...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Lemon, it's time for bed.

It's time for bed.

Shanice?

What you going
to do this weekend?

Me going to re-wallpaper
me powder room, man.

Ooh, girl.

You need a boyfriend.

Why I need a man just to
help me put up me wallpaper?

I'm a independent woman.

Okay, Miss Ting.

You see how she try to act
like she don't want one?

Uh-huh.

You know she going to
come back in here crying

when she can't kill a water bug.

What you want to
order for lunch today?

Don Cheadle on a bed of rice.

No, she didn't.

She didn't.

Happy Valentine's Day, no one.