30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 12 - Verna - full transcript

Liz Lemon takes Frank in as a roommate, and is pleasantly surprised when the two make a pact to help each other kick their bad habits. Meanwhile, Jenna Maroney turns to Jack Donaghy for help with her mother, Verna, who has come to visit.

I never thought this
day would come, Lizzie.

Okay, push!

Push, Liz Lemon!

Here comes your baby!


It's Meat Cat!

The Cheesy Blasters mascot.

I'm what's inside you.


I've got to eat better.

Oh, hello, Mr. Hornberger.

I thought I was the only
one here at this hour.

No, this is just my little ritual

so I can have a moment of
peace and quiet between home,

where this happened,

And work, where I'm
always being interrupted.

Oh, I get it.

A little "Pete Time",
pardon the familiarity.

Well, you just enjoy your coffee, sir,

while I tell you a funny
story about my friend's cat.

His name is Mister Wiggles,
and his cat's name is Benson.

Where's Liz?

I need to speak
to her right away.

I guess that's the end
of "Pete and Kenneth Time".

Liz, she's here.

Verna's here.

My mother is downstairs.

Are you sure?

I didn't see her, security called.

She was trying to use an
oxycontin prescription bottle as ID

That's Verna.


So is she coming up?

Are you kidding?

I told them to throw
her off the property.

But I'm sure she's down
there sitting on the curb,

chain smoking and
waiting for me to come out.

Just like the day I was born.

Wow, look, Jenna,
I know that she's no prize,

but no matter what,
Verna is your mother.

Don't you want to have a
relationship with your mother?

This isn't a relationship.

This is some woman who
shows up every couple of years

to ask for money.

To her, I'm just a gorgeous,
naturally blonde A.T.M.

You know, my mother and I
sometimes didn't see eye-to-eye.

But at the end of the day,
we always said...

♪ Don't go to sleep with
a frown in your pocket ♪

Ugh, Liz, you don't know
anything about mothers.

Where's Jack?

♪ Go into your yard
and tie it on a rocket ♪

♪ Shoot it to the moon,
you'll be feeling better soon ♪

♪ Don't go to bed with a frown... ♪

Yeah, there were firemen
there and everything.


At my house.

I left my Sith Lord cloak
too near my mom's shrine

to Italian Jesus, and
the candles started a fire.

Were the firemen strong?

Were any of them the
ones from the calendar?

My mom's staying
with family upstate,

but I've got to find someplace
around here to crash.

I'm sorry.

Would you like to stay
in my guest house?

Yeah, thanks.

When's good to go over there?

Oh, I'm not offering.

I'm just taking a survey
to gauge general interest.

But Liz there has
a spare apartment.

Ain't that right, Liz?

Well, it's not really spare.

I bought the place upstairs from me

when I thought I
was getting a talk show.

But I'm going to
finish the combination

as soon as I either hit
the lottery or get married.


Fine, you can stay with me.

But it's stuff like this that
makes me eat things like this.

Thanks, Liz.

Oh, I'd like to
pre-apologize for clogging

your tub, sink and toilet.



You can't kill them.

Verna's been using me
my whole life, Jack.

I never saw a penny from any
of the commercials I booked.

Keep you and your pets safe
with Gator Hater Gator Spray.

Honey, you've got to
get closer to the gator.

We drove 11 hours to get here,

and you're not
getting any younger.

But when I wanted to sing a duet
in a mother-daughter pageant,

she blew it off because
there was no prize money.

But today is different, Jenna.

Today, you break the cycle.

Because today, you
are going to say, "No".

I developed this
presentation in 2002

when Colleen attempted to
lengthen her Christmas visit

to Martin Luther King Day,
or, as she calls it,

"That Day in January When
the Post Office is Closed".

I had to draw the line.

I had to say...

This word is your best friend.

Best friend with benefits?

Step one, say no.

Step two...

she will try to pick
a fight with you.

You will not let her.

She will raise her voice.

But I'm going to ask you to...

always speak quieter.

Can I just tell you I'm
genuinely having fun right now?

If you raise your voice,

emotions take over and
she gets the upper hand.

But if you're calm and quiet,

you stay in control
and it's on to step three.

And this is the
hardest one of all.

She will tell you how
disappointed she is in you,

and she will get up to leave.

And you...

let her walk away.

It's simple.

Say no, talk low, let her go.



Do you smell smoke?

What the hell, Frank?

Look, Liz.

How can you smoke?

It's disgusting.

And in my apartment?

Wow, an old, white lady yelling at me

while wearing microwaveable socks.

This is so different
than living with my mom.

Okay, so I smoke a
little as a stress release.

I never told you because
I knew you'd lecture me.

It is not a lecture to
simply point out to someone

that the episode of Diff'rent
Strokes about Dudley's dad

has proven incontrovertibly that
smoking destroys your health

and leads to ridicule from Willis.

Well, what about you?

You can't judge me when
you're eating that garbage.

That is not the same thing at all, Frank.

Doctor Oz did a
show about junk food.

I saw it because it's
on a compilation DVD

I have of fat ladies crying.

And this stuff will kill you.

"Manufactured in a facility
that also processes food."

This is what Meat Cat spoke of.

So I guess I'll just get one
of those little throat radios

and you'll be buried in a piano crate.

Good night, Liz.

No, Frank, that fire in your
apartment was no accident.

I know, I just wanted to be in control.

It was fate!

We've been brought together

to help each other stop being gross!


What do you say?

All right.

But if doing this
restores my sex drive,

the plus-sized ladies in the
mail room have you to blame.

Oh, there's my baby girl!

Hello, Verna.

No, low, go.

Okay, I know every time
we see each other,

I'm always hitting you up for money.

And I know that it's
always for something stupid,

like paying the medical bills,

with that time that my
boyfriend broke his tailbone off

in that cage match.

But this time, it's different.

I said no.

Wait, what is this?

I'm trying to pay you back!

I'm trying to make good for once.

Is this the fight?

I'm talking quieter.

I'm in control.

What's that now?

I'm the calm one.

Upper hand.

Jenna, why are we talking like this?

Does somebody have a gun?

I'm going lower now.


Well, I know you're busy.

I just wanted to say this face to face.

I am so proud of you.

And I love you so much.

And I wish I had said that more.

Don't go, Mommy.

I'll stand closer to the gator.


Sorry I'm late, Mr. Hornberger.

Funny story.

There was a guy on the subway

who I thought for a second
didn't have any fingers.

But then I realized, he was
holding his hand like this.

Listen up, everyone.

Frank and I have some
exciting news to share.

I am quitting smoking.

And I am going to
start eating healthier.

I signed up for a
service called NooFud

that delivers humanely
portioned organic meals.

And I took the elevator
all the way up here

without losing my breath.

Liz, God knows you should eat better.

But maybe now is not the time.

It's show week, and I
can't have you melting down.

And junk food is your stress release.

We all need a release.

I know.

Because Kenneth has
taken mine away from me,

and I'm worried about what
I'm going to do to replace it.

While you were talking,
I put a thumbtack in my neck.

It makes me feel something.

Well, don't worry
about me, Pete.

I have a new outlet.

My delicious NooFud.

Like my upcoming lunch:

"Autumn tempeh risotto with
salmon-rubbed streusel chunks".



I just wanted to see how
it went with Verna last night.

Jack, it was perfect.

Like a John Mayer song.

So you said no?

I didn't have to,
she didn't want anything.

She's completely changed.


No, people do not change.

In the late 90s, I thought Colleen

had become a better person.

It turns out she had a tumor pressing

on her brain's pleasure center.

A tumor those quack doctors removed.

Jack, this is different.

She gave me money.

It's not different, Jenna.

It never is.

You must be Verna.

Oh, and you must
be Jack Donaghy.

Jenna, you were right, darling.

He does look like he'd be great

between those two things
we were talking about.

Interesting earrings.

Oh, thank you.

I make them myself.

Something's killing all the
birds in my neighborhood.

Mom, I really wish you
didn't have to leave tonight.

'Cause my birthday is this weekend.

Oh, my God.

I am the worst mother.

Yes, I am.

Don't say that.

Could a bad mom have raised
a daughter who was engaged

to a congressman when she was 16?

Jenna to the stage, please.

Oh, that's me.

Oh, good!


Blowing town tonight, huh?

I knew it was her birthday.

I'm throwing her a surprise party.

And it's at a fancy restaurant.

So wear something nice.

Like a pair of white jeans and a
Dan Marino jersey or something.

Hey, so how are you holding up?

Terrible, I have a
headache, a stomach ache.

Last night, I spent an
hour trying to remember

how to spell the word "heighth".

Liz, your body is crying out for
all the chemicals it's used to.

You can't go on like this.

Here, eat it.

Eat it, come on,
you need your crutch.

Stop it!

God, your arms are really weak.

What are you smiling at?

Aren't you miserable?

I have a very strong will.

Rossitanos have refused
to fight in seven wars.

I don't buy it.

There is no way that
guy is stronger than me.

Or me.

He's got to be
sneaking cigarettes.

You're the one living with
him, catch him in the act.

Yeah, I still have
his old cigarette pack.

I will leave it out tonight as a
trap and set up a video camera.

Good idea, nanny cam.

Just like the one our nanny used
to catch me watching her sleep.

High five.


Hi, I was told I'd get paid
if I came here and danced

while the Atlanta
Hawks eat dinner?


Oh, my God!

Mom, you remembered!

Well, of course I remembered!

Come here, sweetie.

I've seen this before.

Classic Colleen move.

Whatever it is Verna wants,

she's going to ask for it tonight.

And Jenna can't say no
in front of all these people.

My mother once won a radio contest

to announce the starting
lineups at a Red Sox game

and used the opportunity
to get me to promise

never to put her in a home.

What could I do?

Carl Yastrzemski
was looking right at me.

This isn't about you.

So you need to get over your issues

and try to be happy for Jenna.

Speaking of issues,
I had a dream the other night

that we were married and I
gave birth to a cartoon cat.


Could I have
everybody's attention, please?

Thank you.

In my life, I've been a lot of things:

A liar.

A dental hygienist.

But I haven't always been a good mom.

Jenna, honey, I don't
know if you remember,

but when you were 11,

we were supposed to sing together

at a mother-daughter talent pageant.

I had completely
forgotten about that.

What betrayal?

Well, I was drinking
pretty heavily then...

on account of my bad knee.

And then, I went
and drove my jet-ski

into that great, big bunch of moths.

So I did not make it to that pageant.

Honey, I don't deserve
a single thing from you.

But I've got to ask one favor.

And it's a big one.

If you would do me the very
great honor of joining me.

Hit it!

♪ Do that to me one more time ♪

♪ Once is never enough ♪

♪ With a daughter like you ♪

♪ Do that to me one more time ♪

♪ I can never get enough ♪

♪ Of a mom like you ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Kiss me ♪

♪ Like you just did ♪

How are you not moved by this?

Well, because I'm listening to the words.

♪ Do that to me once again ♪



Nice office, Jack.

I fell like I'm in the Martha
Stewart section of a Kmart.

What can I do for you?

Oh, well, I just wanted to thank
you for coming to the party.

It meant a lot to Jenna.

And it was pretty
important to me too.

See, now you know what
the show would be like.

What show?


I did not drive my home
all the way to New York City

just to kiss my daughter's ass.

Thank you.

I want to do a T.V.
show about me and her.

You want to do a reality show?

Come on.

You see how good I am at
pushing Jenna's buttons.

Yeah, this show will
have laughter, tears,

topless arguments,

infections caused by jacuzzi water.

I knew it.

I knew you had something up your sleeve

besides, a tattoo with...
let me guess.

It's a mermaid...

doing it with Captain Morgan.

Now, come on, Jack.

We both understand
the value of a dollar.


Now won't you please
do me this favor?

Talk to Jenna.

There's a lot more
where that came from...

which is in my under-panties.

Come in!

Jenna, I was right.

I was right all along.

What's that?

Ah, new earrings.

My mom just made them,

so they still might
have some pigeon mites.

But she said those can't
"affect-affect humans-humans".

Yes, well, it certainly is
amazing to see how your mother

has made this 180.

It's even better, Jack.

She's made a full 360.

Well, I just wanted to come
by and make sure you're okay.

I'm glad to see you're so happy.

I am happy.

Because now, I have everything.

Good morning, dummies.

So Frank can go cold
turkey, but I can't?

Well, well, well, well.

Frank's old cigarettes.

When I went to bed last night,

there were 15 cigarettes in the pack

This morning, there were 12.



Look, I don't know where
those cigarettes went.

If only some genius had secretly

videotaped her living room last night.

Oh, wait, it did.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hang on, you videotaped
your living room?

All night?

Sure did.

And as soon as I figure out

which one of these things is the thingy...

Coming at you.

Give me.

You didn't believe in me.

But I believed in myself.

Just like the last scene of all movies.


Here we go.

What are you wearing?

They're called night spanks.

Well, I don't even
remember getting up.

What am I doing?

You're sleepwalking, Liz.

It's a little-understood
parasomnial disorder.

She's not sleepwalking.

Oh, my God.

I'm sleep-eating.

You tried to take away
your release, Liz.

But nature finds a way.

Did you learn nothing
from Jurassic Park?

Why am I making a phone call?

Okay, I don't mean to
be the black guy at the movies,

but you better move, girl!


Oh, Liz, you didn't.

I ordered a pizza.


Oh, I don't want to see this.

Okay, fine, I cheated in my sleep.

But Frank folded too.

Because I am not making it
up about the cigarettes.

Wait, what are you doing now?

No, no, please, no.

Oh, God, Liz.

You didn't smoke the...

I'm eating it!

Okay, well, mystery solved.

Liz ate the cigarettes.

And I guess some of us
just don't need a release.

So let's turn the T.V. off.

Hang on.

Oh, thanks, Frank.

Oh, there's more.

Denise, I said wait upstairs.

My boss is asleep
in the other room.

I was told you had
a package for the mail room.

Oh, come on!

This just got awesome.

I need you, Denise.

I'm trying to quit smoking,
and my mom's not here.

I'm your mama now, baby.

# Don't go to sleep
with a frown in your pocket #

♪ Go into your yard
and tie it on a rocket ♪

This is the worst thing I've ever seen.

# You'll be
feeling better soon #

# Don't go
to bed with a frown #

I love you, Denise Mommy.

We all need our release.


I want to be in business with you.

We are going to
be swimming in green, Jack.

Just like when I dye my
pool on St. Patrick's Day.

I do have a couple of notes.

This project will not be
about drama or dysfunction.

People are tired of that.

Well, so, what's it about?


It's about a mother making
amends to her daughter.

And it's not a show,
it's four visits per year:

Christmas, Mother's Day, Jenna's
birthday and Thanksgiving.

You treat Jenna with the respect
she deserves, you get a check.

You're trying to bribe
me into being a good mom.

Well, it is all just about money.

Isn't it, Verna?

Well, maybe for me.

But this is emotional
for you, isn't it?

And I believe that
gives me the upper hand.

And you're going to have to pay.


Three grand a visit

And a rain tarp for
my washer and dryer.


Verna, stop stroking my
palm with your middle finger.

This is a business transaction.

Oh, sorry.

Ooh, Mr. Big Shot.

father went outside

and lit a cigarette.

In the next episode...

Good morning, Pete. Kenneth


If you are spending your
mornings with Kenneth,

what's your release?


Oh, I feel alive!

I've been biting my nails.


Hey, Liz.

Verna's coming back
for Mother's Day.

We're going to do a duet
of "I'll Make Love To You"

at a children's hospital.

That's great, Jenna.

Hey, Jack, guess what?

Verna's coming back for Mother's Day.

She is?
What a surprise.

So I guess you were 100
percent wrong about everything.

Think about that, Jack.

You're a good man, Jack Donaghy.

Thanks, Meat Cat.

Oh, I've got an idea for a
show called Doctor,

about Richard Doctor,
who's a piano player.

Do you remember that
show, Jennifer Slept Here?

Ann Jillian plays the
ghost of a Hollywood starlet

who helps teenagers.

With what?

I don't know.

Some of those people
on Match Game were drunk.

With power.

Did you know the Today Show
used to have a monkey on it?

Hasn't been as good since.

I think that chimp used
to drive the truck himself

on You Know What and The Bear.