30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 14 - Future Husband - full transcript

30 Rock 4x14 Future Husband
Original Air Date on March 11, 2010

Lemon.

When you were watching me
after my oral surgery,

Did I put a toaster waffle
into my dvd player?

You did. You watched it
for about an hour,

Said nicole kidman should get
an oscar for it,

Then you turned it off.
Yikes.

Thanks for babysitting me.

I did my best,
but you were pretty far gone.

You kept trying to order
home massages off of craigslist.

good thing you were here.



Hey, somebody order
a massage?

Oh, brother.

you're too late!

I already killed her!

Well played, lemon.

You went running?
I thought you'd left.

Who else is out there
this early?

Almost exclusively women
that look like me.

If the pervert community
gets wind of morning jogging,

god help us.

Have you seen this?

They keep talking
about sheinhardt selling nbc

To, uh, kabletown.
That's never gonna happen.

How could a company
from philadelphia



Buy a company
from new york?

That would be like vietnam
defeating the United States

In a ground war.

I don't know, jack.
My sources...

Well, I'm telling you
that don geiss and I

Spoke about this,
and that sale is dead.

Look, I read
his autobiography,

Geiss cubes,
whatever that means.

It means the book is filled
with cubes of knowledge.

It's a good title.

The principles in this book
are timeless.

I could open to any page...

"because a woman's brain
has fewer folds-"

Okay, hang on.

"the negroid musculature... "

Nobody's buying anybody.

Hey.
Where is frank?

He still hasn't rewritten
the olympic sketch

About the lindsey vonn who won
the gold medal for skiing.

Oh, mr. Rossitano called
to say he overslept,

And I should make up
an excuse for him.

So here goes-

On his way to work,
he found some magic beans,

And because he believed
in them-

Ship up.

Frank, frank, frank.

What is this?

"future husband"?

Who did you put
in your address book

As "future husband"?

I have absolutely no idea.

Well, whenever I find
something weird

In my cell phone,
I can usually trace it back

To the last time
I was drunk.

Oh, my god,
the dentist's office.

Oh, your dentist gets drunk
with you too?

No! When I was
under the anesthesia,

I did a bunch of stuff
I don't remember.

including meeting
the man of your dreams?

Oh, miss lemon,
it's so romantic,

Just like that movie I only saw
the first ten minutes of,

Fatal attraction.

Liz, you have to call him.

What? No. I was out of my mind
on painkillers.

I have zero memory
of this guy.

I don't know what he looks like.
He could be a serial killer.

he could wear a thumb ring.

Miss lemon,
you're such a pessimist.

You know
what my motto is?

Everything always works out
for the best.

Watch this.

I just threw my wallet
out the window,

But I'm not worried.

Why? Because everything always
works out for the best.

I'm sorry.

How is that supposed
to make me call this guy?

Be an optimist,
miss lemon.

30 Rock 4x14 Future Husband
Original Air Date on March 11, 2010

Watch tgs this Friday...

on...

On...

I think we got it.

Okay.
Good first take.

Maybe we go one more time.

Excuse me?

Do you know
who you're talking to?

A future tony-nominated actor.

That's right.

It is tony-eligibility season.

And I'm going for the "t"
in my egot.

Really?
You've been cast on broadway?

I'm doing a one-man show.

You are? When?
Tonight.

Have you prepared anything?

What am I, a nerd?

I'm gonna keep it loose,
liz lemon.

Jonathan!

Jonathan, why is it
so quiet in here?

Why aren't the phones ringing?

Is it senior executive
skip day?

That's usually in the spring,

So we can go
to an amusement park.

No, sir,
I don't understand.

Maybe we're the last people
on earth.

Maybe we are legend.

You're will smith,
and I'm the dog.

hello?

Answering your own phone
on the first ring?

It's all hands on deck
over there, huh?

What do you mean?
Come on.

The nbc buyout.
What's happening today?

I'm sorry.
You're calling me as a source?

How are you going to explain

Your unnamed executive
to your producer?

I'll tell him it's a guy
I'm having sex with.

It's a 24-hour news cycle
here, jack.

We really don't have time
to do it right anymore.

So what do you want
to know?

Okay, I know the deal
is happening today.

The board's having
a secret meeting.

I just need a confirmation.

Wait, what?
No.

I already told you
this morning.

There's no deal.
Oh, my god.

You really don't know
what's going on.

They cut you
out of the loop, jack,

Because you're against it.

No, no, no,
I'm not out of the loop.

I just can't talk about it.

I'm actually finishing up
a meeting right now.

Rhubarb, rhubarb,
golf, prostate.

I'm gonna have
to call you back.

Jonathan,
I want you to go down

Into your little
assistant underworld

And find out
where everybody is.

I don't care
what it takes.

This is a matter of life...

Or death.

Yes, sir. But if anything
should happen to me,

I want you to read
oh, the places you'll go!

At my funeral.

I'm not doing that.

Rinse, please.

Well, you're healing
very nicely.

You may continue to experience
sensitivity for a few more days.

When can I start eating
hard cheeses again, doctor?

I've had this pamphlet
printed up.

It was expensive,
but I'm really tired

Of discussing this with you.

Huh.

Dr. Kaplan,
the last time I was here,

I think I made
a gentleman friend.

But because of the anesthesia,
I can't remember

Where or how.

Well, there was
another patient

In the recovery room with you.

And I remember you were
both laughing quite a bit.

Okay.
So, uh, who is he?

What does he look like?

He has some gum recession-
four pockets on 14 and 15,

But, overall, very good teeth,
especially for an englishman.

Ooh, he's english?
I've said too much.

I really can't tell you
anything about him-

You know,
doctor-patient confidentiality.

Ah, come on. I mean,
you're not really a doctor.

Well, if that's
how you feel,

Then you're not really
a patient.

And people who aren't patients

Don't get toys
from the treat bucket.

But there's a batman in there!
Yeah.

And if you wind him up,
he swims in the bath.

Damn you, kaplan!

Who's here?

I need someone to be
outraged too.

uh... I'm here, miss Maroney.

I actually slept here because
my house keys are in my wallet.

It wasn't to bad.

Late at night these
two little twin girls

told me they wanted
to play with me forever.

Have you seen this?

Is that a macy's
thanksgiving day parade pun?

In March?

It's a rave review...

For tracy.

It's as if
claps-giving yay ha-rade

Has lost all meaning.

I did it.
I'm a broadway star.

Jenna, could you accept my tony
on my behalf?

June is a tough month for me

Because
I begin lifeguarding again.

You know, renting a theater
for one night

And babbling on stage
for an hour-

Five hours.

Doesn't make you
an actor.

I don't know.
People seem to like it.

Well, it certainly
doesn't get you a tony award.

I know the tony rules,

Because I've been petitioning
for them to add a category

For living theatrically
in normal life.

And I know for a fact
you have to do your show

A minimum of eight times
to be eligible.

Wait.
The same show?

of course the same show.

But I can't do that.
I'm a spontaneous actor.

I never do
the same thing twice.

Action.

Honey, I'm home.

Pac-man, I'm jewish.

Jeffrey,
we lost the tournament.

I can't do
seven more performances.

Well, then you better think
of something else

That starts with "t"
for your little necklace.

Do they give an award
for tarantula misplacement?

♪ jonathan downloads
geiss' schedule ♪

♪ mr. Donaghy
will be grateful ♪

♪ da-na-na ♪

Oh, good morning,
miss lemon.

Still haven't found
your wallet, huh?

No. And I realized there was
a prescription in there

I should have filled
yesterday.

It keeps me from...

Don't worry.
It's just a donkey spell.

Well, I went
to the dentist yesterday,

And I actually found out
a little bit

About my mystery guy.

And?

And I now know
that he is english,

And he made me laugh.

That's wonderful,

Even if he does come
from a country

That's nothing more than the
dried husk america came out of.

So are you gonna call him?

And say what,
that you're my future husband?

I'd like to at least know
what this guy looks like

Before I put myself
out there.

Then we need to find a way
for you to see him

Through trickery.
Kenneth.

We all know deceit is okay
if it's done for love,

Like when lot's daughters
got him drunk

To repopulate the world
through incest

Or when screech went to
the masquerade ball in disguise

So lisa would kiss him.

This is wesley.

this is nurse jamakiah

From dr. Kaplan's office.

So here's the ting.

You need to come in today

So the doctor can check
dem teeth, mon.

Oh.
Is there something wrong?

My checkup isn't
for another week.

He tinks dat tooth might have
some bad mojo in it, ya see.

might you
be available to come in

Around 1:30, me lad?

you're going irish.

Okay.
1:30 is fine.

Cool runnings, mon.
Bobsled.

see?
Miss lemon, I told you.

Everything...

Stay away!
I will bite you!

Jack, what brings you
down to news?

Hey, cnbc,
nightly news rules.

Go break a story,
williams!

Nightly rules.

Avery, I have
some information for you,

But in exchange, I need you
to do something for me.

Okay.
I told you last night, no.

Why would you even want
to braid my hair?

Because it's romantic,
and I'm really good at it.

But this
is strictly professional.

I saw don geiss' schedule,
and you're right.

There is something going on...

And I know where.

This is jack welch's address
in connecticut.

But don geiss was seen
last night

At the ritz-carlton
in philadelphia.

Decoys.

Or he could have driven back
by now.

Oh, thanks for the tip.

In return, here's
how you're gonna report it.

Geiss fights off buyout,
keeps company intact,

Makes this gesture.

Jack, I can't do that,

Because this deal is happening,

And if don geiss
is fighting it,

You should start distancing
yourself from him.

Distancing myself?

That man is my mentor.

He taught me how to command
a room with my voice!

Back to work.

All I'm saying is,
the writing's on the wall.

Do you think it was easy
for me to cut ties

From my old mentor, pat o'brien,
after he shaved his mustache?

So this is what you do
to people-

You use them,
and then you throw them aside?

That is not fair.
This is not about us.

This is about us.

I came here asking you
to help me.

And I'm trying
to help you.

Being don geiss' guy
just became a liability.

I spent the last 30 years
trying to be that guy.

Well, you're never gonna be,
'cause no one is!

That world
doesn't exist anymore!

you're making me sound
just like my mother!

Someone like you
couldn't possibly understand.

Jack.
I'm going to connecticut.

I'm gonna stand by my man,

Which is the song that I sang
to don at his promotion dinner.

Excuse me, miss maroney.

Would you be interested in going
to mr. Jordan's show tonight?

I know he could use
your support.

I don't think so.

If I wanted to see a black guy
make a fool of himself,

I'd have sex
with k-fed again.

I'm just worried
mr. Jordan may not egot.

He has no idea what he did
in his show last night.

And without my wallet, I don't
even have my lucky rabbit spine.

I don't know
what's gonna happen.

I'll tell you
what's gonna happen.

It's gonna be a disaster.

The man is not an actor

And has no business
being on the stage.

Why, with a curtain
five hours from now,

It would take
the greatest acting coach

The world has ever seen
to make his show a success.

Fine, I'll do it!

Sign in.
We're running behind today.

We'll be with you
as soon as we can. Bobsled.

This is wesley.

Hello?

♪ ♪

Can you tell me why you come up
on my phone as future wife?

Would you like
to get coffee?

Mine was actually an infection
in the right rear molar

Caused by some loose bristles
from an off-brand toothbrush

That I had to buy
over christmas,

'cause my mom threw away
my old snoopy one.

Wow, this is not interesting.

I don't know what caused
my root-canal situation.

Well, british people
have notoriously bad teeth,

So...

I've never heard that.

Really?

You've never heard people
make jokes about british teeth?

None of the brits I know have
a situation with their teeth.

Well, it's just a thing
people say.

Like when they say older women
have bread back.

What's bread back?

A loaf of back fat
between a woman's bra

And her giant underwear.

No, that's not a thing.
People don't say that.

Not to you, no.

I think we're getting off
on the wrong foot here.

It's turned
into a bit of a situation.

You use that word too much.

Both:
So any siblings?

Wow.

God.

Mr. Welch, it's good
to see you again.

Please, john,
call me jack.

I actually go by jack
as well.

I don't think so.

Well, I'd like
to talk to don.

I know he's here.

He is here.
But he's dead.

what?

He died three weeks ago.

The company wanted
to keep it quiet

Until the deal went through,
so I've been-

Hiding him
in your freezer,

Just like we did
with hiram sheinhardt

During the rca deal.

Look, I know
how much don meant to you,

And if you need to pass
some eye water,

I'll be happy to go out and get
you some weakness tissues.

No, I'm not crying
in front of jack welch-

Neutron jack,
and I'm not giving up.

Don geiss wanted this company
kept intact.

And these people are
from philadelphia.

Let it go, john!

It's over.

Miss lemon,
how did the dentist's office go?

Did you meet wesley?
I did meet him.

We even went out
for coffee.

And?

And it was a disaster.

We were so awkward
that the waitress gave us

Separate checks
without asking.

And a priest came over
and asked us who we'd lost.

But it has to work out.

Does it?
Do you have your wallet back?

Did I find
my future husband?

Sometimes everything
is just the worst, kenneth.

Jack?
It's over, lemon.

It's all over.

What?
What's wrong?

Don geiss is dead.

Oh, my god.

They're selling nbc
to a company called kabletown,

With a "k. "

Oh, yeah.

My parents have kabletown
down in pennsylvania.

It's a fine
and generous company.

My dream, the dream I've had
since I was a child, is gone.

I'll never be the ceo
of the general.

Oh, jack, I'm so sorry.

Will I still be able to turn in
old cab receipts,

Or do you think-
I'm sorry.

I don't know what to say.

Maybe you should talk
to avery.

I don't know
about avery anymore.

She's probably distancing
herself from me as we speak.

I'm alone.

I'm the protege
of a dead man

At a company
that no longer exists.

Wait.
Did you hear that?

That's the sound of me
being erased from contact lists

All around the world.

Yeah, well,
I hear something else.

It's the hug plane
coming in for a landing.

You're cleared for approach.

Acting is about consistency
and control.

Got it-no farting.

I'm gonna teach you
the skills

That will allow you to perform
your show every night.

Let us begin
with elocution.

Repeat after me.

After me.
No, tracy.

No, tracy.
No, stop it.

Not this part.
No, stop it.

Uh, we got to start over.
I farted.

To sit in solemn silence
in a dull, dark dock

Awaiting the sensation
of a short, sharp shock.

To sit in darkness
in a sharp, sharp shop

In darkness and sitting
in the sharp.

This is stupid.
This is not stupid.

These are the building blocks
of the craft of acting-

Something I have dedicated
my life to

Ever since my very first job
as baby stuck in well

In a commercial
for well guards.

Well guards-

Guard your well...

Well.

I remember
that commercial.

You were a fat baby.

Well, maybe we're
just gonna have to agree

To disagree
on the acting process.

You have no process.

Acting is the discipline
of being someone else

At all times.

I don't know.

When I'm acting,
I just do me,

And people seem
to love it.

Well, then I guess
you don't need my help.

Go out there
and be yourself.

Go onstage and read the damn
phone book for all I care.

What are you gonna do,
mr. Jordan?

Do you think you can repeat
your performance?

Your performance.

Liz...

Do you work here?
Yeah.

Remember, at coffee,

You said you hadn't seen
the show,

But you'd heard bad things.

Uh-huh.
What are you doing here?

I'm supposed to meet
kenneth parcell.

I found his wallet.

What?

You must be
my wallet angel.

No.
This is not possible.

But it is.

I knew my wallet
would turn up.

And it did.

No, kenneth, this is wesley
from the dentist's office.

Oh, my goodness.

This is the guy
from the dentist's office.

He found my wallet.

I'm either very happy
right now,

Or I'm having
a pretty bad donkey spell.

I'm okay.
It'll pass.

This is crazy.

I guess we have to give it
another shot.

I guess we do.

Dinner tonight?
Perfect.

Do you like tex-mex?

No, I don't.

See you there.

The fcc will now investigate

This large-scale,
multimillion-dollar sale

To kabletown.

And now
the $5.6 billion question-

Who will take the reins

Of the cable giant's
new acquisition?

According to my sources,
the clear frontrunner-

Current g. E. Executive
jack donaghy.

The people I'm talking to
say he's the only guy out there

With the programming experience,
business savvy,

And piercing blue eyes
of a siberian husky

That the job requires.

I'm told donaghy
was instrumental

In making this deal happen,
and I spoke to him earlier.

He refused to speculate but
did say, and I'm quoting here,

"I'm going to celebrate
by buying my lady friend

"that necklace she pointed out

And then cooking her
a western omelet. "

End quote.

And then I'm gonna braid
your hair.

jack donaghy's office,

Please hold.

Jack donaghy's office,
please hold.

"karsfeld, ruben m.

"klarvat, yuri.

"klausen, igor.

"klesteren, robert.

"kletzko, harold.

Kluber, tatiana. "

I'm his acting teacher.

"mordenay, lorenzo.

"jinlo, martin.

"rodman, gill.

"takahamo, jessica.

"thermopolis, dorothy.

Lipowitz, lauren. "

Bravo!
Triumph!

Sync by elderman
for www. addic7ed. com