30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 2, Episode 8 - Secrets and Lies - full transcript

C. C: Are you sure
this is a good idea?

What if someone sees us?

Don't worry. It's too early
for the creative types,

and I sent my assistant

to a nonexistent
Italian bakery out in Queens.

This is the address
he gave me.

He never makes mistakes.

I can't go back there
without sfogliatelle!

We can't keep sneaking around,
Jack. It's too dangerous.

I'm trying to get
the United States government

to sue your parent company.



Take off your pants suit.

Right back at you.

Oh! Workplace!

Lemon,
you're here early.

I gave up caffeine, so I've
been going to bed at 5:30.

But I will leave now.

Don't be silly.

Liz Lemon, I'd like you to meet
a business associate of mine.

Lakeesha Gutierrez-Arafat.

Hi.

Hi.
I like your necklace.

It's actually a rape whistle
but the whistle part fell off,

and I just liked how it looked
so I kept it.

I will leave you to it.



"Lt" being business.

Of course.

I call the movie
"Risky Business" "Risky lt."

Because "it" means business.

Lemon out.

Hey, take that off.
You didn't go to Harvard.

I went to Harvard.

I did stand-up there
this weekend.

Very funny.

You were not graduated
from that institution.

Well, I got a squeezer from
an Indian girl on a bunk bed,

so I think I got
the full Harvard experience.

That does sound
pretty accurate.

You're just trying to get
a rise out of me, sir,

and you do not want to make
a Harvard man angry.

Lemon.

Hey, Jack. What's up?

That woman you met this morning
in my office

is not a colleague of mine.

We are lovers.

Oh, that word bums me out

unless it's between the words
"meat" and "pizza."

Her name is C.C., which stands
for Celeste Cunningham.

Wait. Isn't she that
congresswoman that's...

Trying to destroy
this company

for allegedly turning
some children orange?

Yes. And therein lies
the dilemma.

This corporation has a very
strict "bros before hos" policy.

Wow, so you must really have
some serious feelings for her.

Okay, if I can't say "lovers,"
you can't say "feelings."

But, yes, it is serious,

and in spite everything,

I want her to meet
some of my friends.

So I'm going to hold
a dinner party,

and I would like you
to come.

Wow, that's very nice.
Thank you, Jack.

I just want you to be
discreet.

And try not to dress
like a small-town lesbian.

Well, Lemon,
that was a good chat.

Good luck with that
alopecia problem of yours.

Oh, come on!

I don't have that.
Very hairy.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
I'll take one of those.

Sorry.

Hey, guys, good news.
We won an award.

We did?

Well, I did.
Do you remember when I filmed

that movie version
of the "Mystic Pizza" musical?

Do I? I don't.

Well, the N.Y. City Critics
Association just sent me this.

Best Actress in a Movie Based
on a Musical Based on a Movie!

Hey, that's great!

Okay, enough!

How long are we going to talk
about this stupid award?

We have more important things
to worry about.

Like where are the french fries
I did not ask for?

You guys
need to anticipate me.

Okay. Forget it.

I can't rehearse today.

Ugh, it's gonna be
one of those weeks.

Oh, no.
I talked to him last time

when he wanted to change his
name to "Wise Greasy Bastard."

Fine.

Oh, monsters,
why did I create you?

Okay, Tracy, what's wrong?

It's not fair, Liz Lemon.
Everybody wins awards but me.

Even Shaquille O'Neal
got a Kids' Choice Award

for that animated movie
we did.

Boy, I hope we rescue the
Starfish King on this adventure.

It'll be a slam dunk!

Would you call what we did
last night "sex"?

I spent two days making
that movie from my home,

and what did I get?

A million dollars,
a yellow Bentley, and nothing.

I never win anything!

Look at this coffee cup
my kids got me for Father's Day.

I'm a failure, Liz Lemon.

Maybe I should just give up
and try this crystal meth

I've been hearing
so much about.

No, no, no,
you don't have to do that.

You won an award.
Did I not tell you?

Come on, Lemon.

Yes. You are getting
a lifetime achievement award

from the Pacific Rim Emmys.

Pacific Rim?

I love the Pacific Rim.

I spent nine months in Japan
shooting "Samurai, l-Am-Urai."

I fell in love
with their culture,

especially sharking.

What's sharking?

It's when you run up on a lady
on the streets

and pull her tube top down

while your friend
videotapes it.

It's considered a crime here.
Thanks a lot, Puritans.

Right. So, are you ready
to hit some rehearsal?

Hell, yeah!

I do not want to disappoint
my Japanese public,

especially Godzilla.

I'm just kidding. I know he
doesn't care what humans do.

All right, I'll see you
out there, winner.

He's fine. I just need you
to make him a Pacific Rim Emmy.

Props has an old
basketball trophy

we could solder some wings
onto.

I love it.

It is unbelievable
the lengths you go to

to keep that guy happy.

I know.

I don't get
that kind of treatment.

I don't have to treat you that
way because you're the sane one.

You're my rock.

It is amazing how grounded
I've been able to stay

despite my célébrité.

What's up, dude?
I went to Harvard.

I lived in Lowell House and was
a member of the Signet Society.

If you were actually a member
of the Signet Society,

you would be wearing
this pin.

Oh, you mean this pin?

Your lame thing
is on his pants.

Liz Lemon, when am I leaving
for Japan?

'Cause I have to arrange
for a snake nanny.

Oh, I didn't think
you were actually gonna go.

The awards ceremony
is tonight,

so I told them to mail it
to you.

No! I told my kids they could
come see their dad get an award.

So it has to at least be live
via satellite.

Oh, but it's a really big
time difference.

It'll be, like, 4:00
in the morning here.

Perfect. Just when I get back
from Maiden Voyage,

Newark's first offshore
gentlemen's barge.

I'm gonna get the kids,
and we're coming straight here.

Uh... okay.

I'll set that up.

Really?
You're gonna do that?

Liz Lemon know who keeps
the lights on around here.

But I couldn't do it
without my background players.

That's why I want you and Josh
to be there for my award.

Then afterwards,
maybe I'll let you hold it.

Then you can check out my award.
Ha ha ha!

Banter!

I'm sorry.
He's an idiot.

No, don't blame him.

You're the one who rewards
his bad behavior.

You give him
anything he wants.

Me? I can't even get
a real exterminator

to get that squirrel
out of my dressing room.

No!
No, don't move like that!

No, no! Ow!

Good evening.
May I take your coat?

Oh, yes, thank you.
I'm sorry I'm late.

The other guests
have already arrived

and are in the dining room.

Hi, Liz.

Lemon.

Is this everyone?

We had a longer
invite list,

but we thought
for the sake of discretion...

We had to eliminate anybody
with any influence

or connections or stature,
so that pretty much left you.

Then we added Kenneth so you
would have somebody to talk to.

What's your favorite
pizza topping?

Mine's plain,
but I like others.

I have to say,

you are the most beautiful woman
in this room right now.

Liz.

Tell me a painful story
about your teenage years.

Okay, let's fake this.

Okay.

Okay, Tracy, they are ready
for your acceptance speech

in three... two... one.

People of the Pacific Rim,
how you feel?

All right!

I'd like to thank my wife,

my two sons, Tracy Jr.
And George Foreman,

this Josh dude,

Liz Lemon,

bald-headed Pete
for setting up the satellite,

and, of course,
a very special blond lady.

Shelley Long, you're truly
an inspiration to me!

And, finally, I'd like to
thank you, Pacific Rimmers,

for all that you've given us.

Karaoke, karate,
and most of all...

wanizame atakku!

Shark attack!

Okay,
so, you got sharked.

That's not great.

I'm so humiliated.

How could Tracy
not thank me?

What?

I drag myself out of bed
at 4:00 in the morning,

go home, get dressed,
come in here,

and he doesn't even mention
my name?

Jenna,
the whole thing is fake.

Yeah,
but he thought it was real.

Listen, I'm sorry.
Tonight was crazy.

But I did hear the janitor
saying your boobs looked good.

I don't want to hear it,
Liz.

Apparently, the only way
to get respect around here

is to act like Tracy.

And that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

Now, please get
out of my dressing room

so I can lock myself
in it.

Aah! The squirrel!
It's not afraid of people!

Oh, hi, C.C.
Are you looking for Jack?

No, actually,
I was hoping to talk to you.

I hope you had fun
last night.

I did.

Boy, you and Jack make
a hell of a Celebrity team.

This is that chick who...

Venus Williams.

Remember that time
you fell asleep?

Captain Beefheart.

It's like we share a brain.

I'm sorry you got stuck
with Kenneth.

Okay. This is not a character
from a television program.

Okay. This is not a character
from the Bible.

Uh, pass.

You can't pass, you hillbilly!

No. I'm sorry.
I don't normally slap people.

Liz, I hate to put you
on the spot,

but I can't talk to any
of my friends about Jack.

We can't keep sneaking around.
This is getting ridiculous.

I'm-a the plumber. I'm here-a
to fix the washing machine.

Come right in,
Mr. Spunatelli.

If Jack and I are going to
stay together,

one of us has got to
give something up.

I just...
Is Jack worth it?

What would you do?

I don't think you want to take
advice from me.

I ate a 3 Musketeers bar
for breakfast this morning,

and this bra is held together
with tape.

Liz, please.

Well, Jack is great,
and he's crazy about you.

But have you ever compromised
for a man before?

No.

Me either.

Oh, God,
it was my birthday yesterday.

I'm gonna talk to Jack.

Yeah, I think you should.

Ow.

Hey, guys, it's me... Frank.

Oh, no. Escalation!

Okay, that hat's not cool,
jackass.

My mom's a great lady.

Was it her greatness
that made your dad leave?

He didn't leave.

He's a submarine commander
running silent.

Let's watch this
instead of working.

Take off that costume!

Take off yours!

Never!

C.C.,
what are you doing here?

Jack, I convinced
the Sheinhardt Wig plaintiffs

to settle.

That's fantastic news.
What did they end up getting?

$5 million each.

$5 million each?

That's NBA
sexual-assault money.

They deserved more.

The point is,
now you and I can go public.

We don't have to sneak around
anymore.

Slow down.

C.C.,
it's not that simple.

What do you mean?

I'm still up
for a big promotion.

My colleagues
still revile you.

Maybe in a year or so,
we could reassess.

Don't you understand
what I have given up for you?

Those little orange children
deserved their day in court.

They got $5 million.
Each.

They deserved to be heard,
Jack.

And I was ready to speak
for them.

We were going to go
on "Oprah."

Oh, so, this is not
about those kids.

It's about you getting
some publicity

to get a leg up
on your political career.

I'm not going to apologize
for being ambitious, Jack.

You shouldn't. I like
when a woman has ambition.

It's like seeing a dog
wearing clothes.

I was willing to give
all that up for you.

But you're obviously
not willing to do the same.

I just need more time.

I should never have listened

to a woman
who tapes her bra together.

Lemon.

Don't worry, Jack.

I will sneak out
through the freight elevator

like I always do.

I won't embarrass you.

Everybody looks good
in a Sheinhardt.

Something's going down
with Jenna.

She told an NBC tour

that she was going to get them
all pregnant.

So, now I have two Tracys.
Perfect.

Will you trade jobs
with me?

Okay, but Jenna wants this done
a specific way.

She's in her dressing room.

Godspeed, Liz Lemon.

Liz,
we have a serious crisis.

We're mad at each other.

No. I have legitimate problems
to deal with right now.

But the Toofer/Frank rivalry
has finally exploded.

No one cares. Move!
You're blocking me.

I'm trying to get
somewhere real.

Um, hi.
Is Jenna in there?

Bitch, are you in here?

Mm-hmm.

Jenna, why are you not
at rehearsal?

My entourage says I look tired.

I'm Sacha. This is Patrice
and Master Alexei.

And your name is probably
something like Melissa.

Okay, I get it.

What do I need to do
to make you feel appreciated

and get them out of here?

Too late.
You had your chance.

Ooh, Melissa,
pick up your face, girl!

I'm going to get
my eyeballs whitened.

I'll be back
in a couple of hours.

If I feel like it.

What? No!
We have work to do.

This is what you get
for taking me for granted.

Deal with that.

Oh, Melissa?
Your face is on the phone.

Soccer practice is over
and you need to pick it up.

All right, that's a pretty good
burn, Patrice.

Well, Lemon,
I hope you're happy.

I'm not. Why?

C.C. Is demanding that we go
public with our relationship,

which is impossible.

And you put the idea
in her head.

I'm sorry, Jack. I'm just saying
what everybody's thinking.

You just don't understand
what I'm going through.

Nobody understands
what I'm going through.

I'll take the next one,
Carville.

Uh, actually...
have you got a minute?

How do you and Mary Matalin
make it work?

She's a brilliant, patriotic
Republican strategist,

and you, let's face it,
are a pinko nutjob.

Mary and I have proved that true
love can weather any storm.

Even Desert Storm.

But if it's the opinion of your
peers that you're worried about,

you need to get out in front
of the story, Cajun style.

Break the news
on your own terms,

before your enemies find out.

Cajun style.

Dating a Democratic
congresswoman?

These guys will destroy me
for this.

Jack, is it really the opinion
of others you're worried about,

or are you learning
something new about yourself

and you find that
a little scary?

Cajun style.

What are we gonna do?

If we give up our feud now,
we'll be ridiculed.

Remember when Lutz cried
during that diamond commercial?

Lt'd be worse than that.

But I can't keep dressing
like you.

"The New Yorker" Festival
is next week.

We're trapped
in a political minefield.

How are we gonna get
out of it?

You boys
need to change the story.

Like Karl Rove did
in the last election

when he made it about
gay folks and swift boats.

What's your swift boat?

You didn't hear this from me,

but Josh is starting to do
something new with his hair.

Are you James Carville?

Drop me an e-mail
and let me know how it goes.

Trying to steal candy
from a vending machine?

Let me show you
how it's done.

Cajun style.

Excuse me.

What office should I put
Ms. Maroney's new writer in?

What? No. Who said this guy
gets an office? No.

You let Jenna take off
in the middle of the day?

If she gets to do that,

then I'm doing this week's show
as my alter ego.

Professor Cosmotosis.

Ugh! Where is Jenna?

I'm gonna take a nap.

Wake me up if Andy Dick calls.

Is this fun for you?
Being difficult?

Oh, it is. I should have been
doing it the whole time.

You have been, Jenna.
You have always been difficult.

You think Tracy
gets special treatment?

I don't think. I know.

Uh-huh. Well, I coddle the crap
out of you, too.

Your online fan club?

That's me.

I made Frank set that up
as a punishment

after he farted in my chair.

And when you did that morning
radio show the other week,

every caller was me.

I am loving
all of your characters.

Thanks for calling,
Sanjay.

I really believe in Karma.

And this award
you just got?

It's a cookie.

Ooh, crunch!

I don't want to do
this stuff.

But I have to
because you're so insecure

you get jealous of babies
for their soft skin.

And how much attention
they get.

I have lost years of my life
taking care of you.

I lie awake at night

wondering what fresh hell
tomorrow will bring.

I don't sleep,
I don't eat right,

thanks to you
and Tracy Jordan.

Mostly you.

Oh, Liz.
That's all I wanted to hear.

I'll be onstage in 10.

And I'll wait till tomorrow

to talk about you firing
melon-ball lady.

All right.

Not in front of the gays.

Hey, look who bailed
on their lame feud.

Hey, what's up
with Josh's new haircut?

Dude, you got a frohawk,
man.

Do you think
you're better than us?

What? No, I don't.

I've got a new nickname
for Josh.

Dr. Haircut.

It's not even my normal barber.
My mom did it.

Dr. Haircut!

Dr. Haircut!

Dr. Haircut!

Dr. Haircut!

Are you gonna cry?

Here's your John Legend CD.

I don't know
why it was so urgent

you have it before noon.

It was just an excuse.
Have lunch with me.

Jack.

I feel badly
about what happened.

But I have a plan.

Do you trust me?

Oh, God, I don't know.

I'm 43,
and you have great hair.

I can let this play out
a little longer.

Then come with me.

Jack, this is your
executive dining room.

Are you trying
to get me killed?

C.C., these people are my peers,
my heroes,

my past and future
Secret Santas.

Their approval
is the most important thing

in the world to me.

Or so I thought.

Gentlemen, token ladies,

I have
an important announcement.

Some of you may
or may not recognize

the woman standing beside me.

Her name
is Celeste Cunningham,

and she is
a Democratic congresswoman

from the state of Vermont.

And she is my lover.

That's right.

She's my liberal,
hippy-dippy mama.

My groovy chick.
My old lady.

She was our chief adversary

during
the Sheinhardt Wig hearings.

She wants to tax us all to death

and make it legal
for a man to marry his own dog.

But I think what we have
is special

and I'm proud of her

and I'm not going to hide it
any longer.

I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it!

And this is my woman.

I gave to NPR last year.

My children
go to public school.

I'm gay.

I'm black.

Oh, Jack,
thank you so much.

And I just want you to know

that, in 1984,
I voted for Ronald Reagan.

I murdered my wife.