30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 2, Episode 9 - Ludachristmas - full transcript

Jack gets attached to Liz's nurturing parents because they provide the love and support he never got from his mom. The staffers get ready for their raunchy holiday party, but Kenneth changes their plans at the last minute.


I wanted to come say
"Merry Christmas"

before we all leave
for the break.

Well, thank you, Lemon.
That's very thoughtful.

Help yourself
to a gift.

Oh, wow.

It's our new handheld
photo scanner/paper shredder.

Oh, well, won't people just
end up shredding their photos?

No, no.
It's very easy to use.

If you want to photo-scan,
you flip the switch to "PS."

And if you want to paper-shred,
you flip the switch to...


I'd like to make
an announcement.

I just want to say
that I'm really sorry

for whatever I'm going to do
at the party tonight.

And I forgive all of you
in advance

for leaving me passed out
by the elevator in my own gravy.

Merry Ludachristmas, everyone!

Are you gonna do
Horny Santa again, Frank?

That was so funny last year

when I sat on your lap.

Yes. Funny.

So, uh, big plans
for the holidays?

Yeah, my parents are coming
with my brother.

And we're gonna go see
"Jersey Boys" on Broadway,

and we're gonna go
to that restaurant

where they pretend
it's Mars!

God, you must be
a ball of anxiety right now.

I'm really excited.

What are you trying to say,

that your family's perfect
and you never fight?

No, I remember them
arguing a lot

during the gas crisis
of '79.

But since Carter left office,
it's been pretty smooth sailing.

You got that right.

So, is your mom coming up
from Florida?

No, I invited her out of
my paralyzing Irish guilt,

but her plane was grounded
because of Hurricane Zapato.

Ha! Look at that.
That's where she lives.

The eye of the storm.

So are you alone
for Christmas?

No, I was gonna drive up
to Vermont and surprise C.C.


Your mother is here.

She took a bus
to Atlanta.

She got JetBlue
to accept an Amtrak ticket.

Tell her I'm...
Jingle bells?

Jingle bells,
jingle bells?

It's your mother.

Merry Christmas.


Isn't this the office
you had before?

I thought you were up
for a big promotion.

I am, Mother.

And there are only two nicer
offices in the whole building.

Only two?
I don't like the odds.

I think you better
let that dream go.

Hello, Liz.

What the hell was that?

It's a message on my phone
from a friend.

Oh, Jackie, please.
Who is she?

Her name is C.C.
Is she Spanish?

What if she was,

She's very smart, Colleen.
You'd like her.

My thanks
to the peanut gallery.


this coat
isn't gonna take itself off.

Ludachristmas is tonight?

Well, I guess
I can make it.

I just hope
I don't get drunk

and sing Christmas carols
like I did last year.

Well, I'm not going
because my parents

and my brother, Mitch,
are in town.

Mitch is here?


For those of you
who don't know my brother,

Mitch was in a skiing accident
his senior year of high school,

and he has what's called
trauma-induced niveaphasia.

Basically he's just stuck
in the day before his accident.

Oh, tomorrow's the big day!

It's gonna be totally rad!

Yeah, Mitch! Rad!

He thinks it's 1985.

So if you meet him,
just be cool.

It should be mentioned
that, sexually,

Mitch is very much
an adult.

No, it should not
be mentioned.

Merry Christmas from
Sheinhardt-Universal, everyone!

Merry Christmas.
Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Jewish.

Merry Christmas.

What is this?

It's a PS575 photo shredder.

Well, that's not
the Christmas spirit.

Christmas is about gratitude
and togetherness.

Sitting with friends and family
around a crackling fire,

waiting for the owl meat
to cook.

Sometimes I don't think
you people

understand Christmas at all.

I think I'm early.

I'm here to have Christmas meats

eaten off my chest
at some party?

Merry Christmas,
Miss Lemon.

Oh, thank you, Kenneth.

Well, fancy suits.

How was court?

Not great, Beth.

Oh, you really were
in court?

All Tray had to do was sign
his community-service papers.

But he makes us stop
for breakfast first.

So it's my fault diners can
serve alcohol in New York State?

That's on me now?

Now I have to wear this
for 30 days.

Oh, my goodness.

If I even have a drop of alcohol
in my sweat,

a signal goes to Ankle Bracelet
Headquarters in Denver,

and I go to jail.

And now?
This time of the year?

Nude Year's Eve?

Martin Luther King Day?

All you do is drink!

No, Tracy, you are not going
to Ludachristmas.

The three of you are in charge
of keeping him from drinking.

But who's project manager?

That bad, huh?

No, these aren't for me.

I'm sending them
to my mother's hotel room

because the room service there
is "too salty."

Family stuff can be tough.

Lemon party!
Permission to land?

Permission granted!

There's my baby!

Hey, Liz, you want to go skiing
up at Piper's Peak tomorrow?

It's gonna be rad.

Psych! You can't go!
It's the senior class trip!

Aw! Psych!
You got me, Mitch!

these are my parents.

Dick Lemon.
This is my boy, Mitch.

Uh, my first wife,

First and last.
Jack Donaghy.

You are
a very, very handsome man.

Looks like
an Arrow shirt model.

So, Jack,
is this beautiful genius

the best employee
you've ever had or what?


I like
this guy's honesty.

Yeah, me too.

Show us what you've been
working on, Wilma Shakespeare.

Oh, I'm... I'm just
so proud of you!

Oh, you!


Nice to meet you, sir.

Uh, would you wrap these up

and send them
to the Ritz-Carlton, please?

Oh, my goodness.

Look at this!

They built all of this
because of words you wrote.

Thank you, thank you.

Hey, Liz, guess who's
going skiing with me.

Chris Stanek...
your boyfriend!

Oh, what?
Shut up!

I don't like him!
Boys are gross!

Did you hear that Chris Stanek
got divorced?

Is he dating again?

Lemon, could I have a word
with you for a moment?

Oh, excuse me.

Is, uh, everything okay?
Yeah, why?

Your family is...

Oh, Mitch?

No, he was in a skiing accident,
and he thinks it's 1985.

No, I get it.
I'm talking about your parents.

And what did
your mother mean

when she said that you were
a beautiful genius?

Was she taunting you?

They're just supersupportive.

They've always been
like that.

Even when I sued

the Lower White Haven
School District

to let girls play football.






We didn't make the playoffs
that year,

but I think we led the league
in bravery.

My God.

I've never seen such relentless
blind encouragement.

No wonder you're a
sexually frightened know-it-all.

Hey, Dad.
Take my picture. Look.

I'm the lady
from "Flashdance"!

That's a good
"Flashdance," honey.

Good "Flashdance."

The holidays
without drinking is rough.

Turns out
football is boring,

my wife's sister
ain't as cute

as I thought she was,

and I cannot
play the guitar.

Mr. Jordan,
I know how difficult this is.

I was pretty addicted to coke
back in my Wall Street days.

But you can get through this.

The first night
is the hardest.

But tonight
is Ludachristmas!


Tonight you and I are gonna have
some real Christmas fun.

We can play party games...
like "Murder"!

First, everybody takes
a slip of paper out of a hat.

And one person's slip
says "murderer,"

and another person's
slip says "inspector."

Then everyone puts
their head down.

Except the murderer...
He's the inspector.

No, that's not right.

K, thanks for trying
to help.

But I'm gonna go home,
do some thinking,

and tell my wife's sister
to disregard all my e-mails.

That hotel was a disaster,

The TV had over 100 channels,
for God's sakes.

I'm only gonna be here
for three days!

Mother, you can stay with me.

No, I will not let you do that.
Are you sure?

Yes, Mother.
I'm quite sure.

All right, then.
That's settled.

Jack, do you have a bathroom
that I can get to in a hurry?

Right... in here, Mother.

Well, that is close,
isn't it?

I'll be right out.

She should have
been there.


It's just the Lemons.

We've come to drop off
a little goodbye present.

Oh, thank you!

Oh, my goodness!

What a beautiful office!

Oh, your mother
must be so proud of you!

Look at this carpet.

I feel like
we should take off our shoes.

Should we take off
our shoes?

No, please. Sit down
and make yourselves comfortable.

We don't want to bother you.
We know you must have big plans.

Well, I was going to drive up
to Vermont

and visit my girlfriend,

Oh, I love that name!

Ooh, I'll be any girlfriend
of yours is a real winner!

she is a congresswoman.

Oh, my goodness!

And she does have
her own Lifetime movie.


Why don't we cut
the charade

and you two tell me what exactly
it is you want from me?

Now, Alfonso,

let's find where you should put
the keyboard.

Open, open?

Homina, homina, homina?

Open Pit barbecue sauce?

This is the sweet spot.

Oh, and no chitchat
between songs this year.

People don't watch "Letterman"
for Paul Shaffer.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Do you know
where the bathroom is?

Hi, there, Mitch.
It's Jenna.


We know each other.

Are you, like, a friend
of my mom's or something?

I mean, I'll tell her
you said hi.

What's up?
Do you like Wham!?

'Cause I'm kind of like
the George Michael of my school.

Oh, you're Mitch.

Coming to
the party tonight?

Oh, I wish.

I got to rest up
for my big ski trip tomorrow.

You know,
maybe you and I

could do something together
next week.

My parents are away next week.

You should come over.
I'll be in the hot tub.


Oh, my God!

That's a filthy
Christmas miracle.

There you guys are.

I'm sorry they just barged in
like that.

Oh, not at all.

They were just dropping off
this Christmas present.

Oh, and look at this.

It's got cheese
and butter and caramel.

All my favorites.
How did you know?

Well, we will let you go.

We've got
a lot window-shopping to do.

Jack, why don't you come
with us?

Come on, you can talk to Mitch
about President Reagan.

Oh, in his mind,
Reagan is still president.

You lucky bastard.

Uh, I would love
to go with you.

Good, good, good!


Hey, dude,
I thought you left.

Yeah, I mean,
what are you guys doing?

Going to Ludachristmas?

We heard you can't drink.

You still coming?

No, no. I can't go
because of the ankle bracelet.

Or maybe I could go
and just not drink.

Hey, maybe I'll compromise.

I'll go to the party, cut off
my foot, and drink all I want!

Ludachristmas! Ludachristmas!


Grizz, Dot Com.

Shut the doors.

Some people need to learn
about Christmas.

Hey, watch out for her,

She's a natural athlete.

Played high school football.

It was just one game,

Although I did kind of change
everything forever.

I'll never forget
that day.

Jack, you laced those up
like a professional.

Good for you!

Nice to have some positive
reinforcement, isn't it?

It's only positive reinforcement
when they say it to you.

In my case,
they're just stating the facts.

I do look like
the Arrow shirt man,

I did lace up
my skates professionally,

and I did do a fabulous job
finishing my muffin.

You wish
you were in my family.

Don't be ridiculous.

So this Disney cruise in March.
Are you in or out?

Hey. Huddle up.

We're gonna take
a picture.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Say "Lemon."



Having fun?

Under the bridge,
under the bridge!

Whoo, whoo!

Jack, what the hell
are you up to?

Mother, I'm sorry,
but the Lemons invited me out.

And I couldn't say no.
They're very nice people.

Oh, nice.
I'll show you nice.

Let's all meet
down at the soda shop

while this country
turns into Mexico.

Now, you see, they don't
say things like that.

They're very polite
to each other.

I suppose you think that they're
more nurturing than I am.

there are terrorist cells

that are more nurturing
than you are.

Be careful.
I'll cry.

You give me 10 minutes
with the Lemon family,

and I'll have them
tearing at each other

like drag queens
at a wig sale.

Mom, Dad, this is Jack's mom.

We have heard
such great things about you.

Have you?

You must join us
for dinner.

No, no. No. No, no.
We can't. We have plans.

Uh, had plans.

An evening out
with the Lemons.

Who could ask
for anything more?


Thank you, Reverend Gary.

That was both entertaining
and educational.

Christmas has gone off the rails
around here.

Look out there.

That is not a Christmas tree.

It's a way to lure tourists into
the basement to buy $20 salads.

We've lost track
of what's important.

So now we're gonna
go around the circle,

and every one of us is gonna say
what Christmas means to them.


Let's start here.

It's so hard to choose.

The photos of the food
look so good.

I am gonna have the fried
onion tower for two... for one!

Good for you!

You must be
so proud of Liz...

making it on her own
so far away from home.

That gives us an excuse
to visit New York.

I see.

Any grandchildren?

What a shame.

Must eat you up inside.

Oh, well,
Champy, our Spaniel,

keeps us pretty busy.

See, Mother?
Not all species eat their young.

Let's change the subject.

We don't discuss that stuff.
Life is too short.

Life is too short?

Because your life
seems endless.

Thank you, Reverend Gary.

It was to the tune of "American
Pie" but so much longer.

we done learned our lesson

about the big tree
or whatever.

This has got to stop now.

Yeah, who cares about
the true meaning of Christmas?

It's about getting crap
and eating too much!

Yeah. Yeah.

It's about getting drunk
and hugging your cousin

until your mom says,
"Frank, enough."


Well, now seems like a good time
for Reverend Gary

to show the video of his mission
to Guatemala last year.


Is this a culture where
toplessness is common?

And here is what you did
with your Christmas presents.


We take so much
for granted.

Instead of having a party,

we should donate the money
to those kids.

We should tell
all our family and friends

we don't want any presents
this year.

Yeah! Yeah!

We should volunteer
at a soup kitchen

instead of shopping for stuff
no one needs!


We should go downstairs
and chop down the big tree!

Yeah! Yeah!

Chop it down!

No, wait!

No, no, no, no, no!

Your mother is killing me.

Have I ever "kissed a woman"?
What is that about?

Welcome to my world,

She's trying
to break your spirit.

Because she's trying
to prove that your family

is as screwed up
as mine is.

That's ridiculous.

Mitch found a newspaper.

that's a joke newspaper.



Why can't you just leave
well enough alone?

Because the Lemons are not
what they appear to be.

I mean, I may be
heavy furniture,

but I did a pretty good job
raising you.

I mean, look at you today,
and look at them.

They look happy.

They're in denial.

I mean, come on.

Now, Dick,
let me get...

Ah, ah, ah, Jack.
It's on me.

Wouldn't be a Lemon party
without old Dick.

Easy on the fried food,

Oh, come on.
I can eat whatever I want.

I'm a teenager!

don't you ever get tired

of Liz getting
all the attention,

her being the baby
and all?

Oh, no, my folks make
a lot of time for me.

I mean, just yesterday we went
to see "Goonies" together.


You weren't supposed
to know that, Liz. Sorry.

you saw "Goonies" yesterday?

Does he mean
1985 yesterday?

Yeah, December 6, 1985.

I mean, what else would I mean
by "yesterday"? Duh!

Well, that was the day
of my football game.

Did you not go
to my football game?

We were
a little embarrassed, Liz.

Dad, did you...

It's White Haven football
for God's sake, Elizabeth!

It means something!
I wore that uniform!

I was taking a stand
for women!

Are you taking a stand now
by not giving us grandkids?

Oh, you want grandchildren,

Why don't you ever bother Mitch
about that?

Because he's 17!

He's 40!


Oh, my God.
The accident.

I hit the tree!

No, don't remember.

Oh, I'm so old!

Thank you,
Elizabeth Lemon!

You are so self-centered,
young lady!

You didn't even offer
to pay for this dinner.

I'm on a fixed income!

Could I have another drink?


This is not what I meant!

Yes, it is!

We're sending a message

to all of those
who have forgotten

the scruples
of Christmas!

'Cause in order to stay sane,
you have to go crazy.

I had a couple of drinks
before the meeting.

Hold that, Kenneth.

This is a flask.

So y'all probably shouldn't
be listening to me.

Ha ha ha ha!

Have yourself
a merry little Christmas?

Make the Yuletide gay?

From now on?

Our troubles
will be miles away?

Here we are
as in olden days...?

You know why
I stay with you, Dick?!
Yes, I do know.

Because I have nothing to give
another man!
'Cause you have
no income of your own.

I could have been
drinking these for years!

Explain to me again
how gay marriage

is gonna
tear this country apart!

Merry Christmas, Mother.

Merry Christmas, Jackie.

Tomorrow night I'm gonna
take you to a cathouse.

I hate cats.
You'll learn to love them.

It was ridiculous
to lie to him that long anyway.

My life is ruined!

lmagine Christmas wishes?

Shooting out of your eyes?

A candy cake
full of snow dreams?

A stocking full
of sm-i-i-iles?

It's a Jordan Christmas?

It's a Jordan Christmas?