30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 2, Episode 7 - Cougars - full transcript

Liz catches a lot of heat at the office when she starts dating a 20-year-old "boy toy," and Jack takes charge of Tracy's pitiful youth baseball team and tries to turn it into a winner.

Liz, Lutz and I are going
to walk around Times Square

and pretend to be foreign.

I am from Hamburg, ja!

Want to come?

Oh, I can't.
My cousin is in town.

All right.

See you, though.

Liz, I'm getting drinks with the
recently divorced camera guy.

You in?

Legally separated sound guy's
gonna be there.

Oh. I don't feel well.

Oh. Okay.

Hey, Liz Lemon, I'm going to
an animals-only strip club.


Does that mean
the animals strip

or the animals
are the customers?

Animal customers?
That's ridiculous.

Well, I have got a date.

So, I...

Order, please.

Hi. Order for pickup.

Yes, I would like a meatball sub
with extra bread.

And my name is...


Yeah, that's me.


Big night, Lemon?
Let me guess.

Meatball sub, extra bread,

bottle of NyQuil,

TiVo "Top Chef,"

a little Miss Bonnie Raitt,
lights out.

No. I have something to do

Then you won't mind
when I tell you

that Casey
gets voted off tonight.

You monster!
Why are you like this?

Sir, Tracy's here
with a bunch of kids.

He wants to know if you have
a minute to meet with them.

Absolutely not.


There he is!

I want you to meet
the baseball team I'm coaching.

A group of fine young men
and one special lady.

Dijonaise is a boy's name?
Pardon me.

Tracy, this is wonderful.

I had no idea you were
interested in baseball.

I wasn't. My motorcycle
hit a police horse.

This is community service.

These kids come
from Knuckle Beach,

the worst neighborhood
in New York.

They are poor as hell.

Baseball is a wonderful sport,

I remember
when my high-school team

won the Boston
City Championship.

Everyone told us
we were going to lose

because our team
was all white

and the other team
was completely...


Anyway, we won,

and I learned
that anything is possible.

Baseball taught me how to win.
Baseball taught me how to dream.

What are your dreams?

When I grow up, I'm going to do
vending-machine maintenance.

I'm going to get shot by a cop
and sue the city.

I'm going to be a talkative
doorman with a drinking problem.

That's right.
You shoot for the stars.

No, no, no, no, no. These are
not the dreams of winners.

These aren't winners.
They're 0-17.

Damn! We supposed to be
at the game right now.


That one's on Coach Tracy.

Someday I'll have an office
like this. To clean.

You could have an office
like this of your very own.

All you need is someone to point
you in the right direction,

a role model.

Like R. Kelly
and Michael Vick.



Uh, Grandy?

Oh, my God.
Who ordered the veal?

Am I right, guys?

Ugh, Jenna,
that guy is a baby.

I'm Lutz.

You ordered a venti
chocolate mocha blast

with half-and-half
and brownie chunks?

Thank you...

I like your blond streaks.

It's very Simon Le Bon.


Oh, you're young.

Give it up, Jenna.
You're talking to an ultrasound.

Now I'm getting attitude from
the sexy librarian over here.

What? Sexy?
You are. Shut up.

That guy is adorable.

Hah, Frank's gay!

Maybe I am gay.
For that little peach.

Yeah, you want to kiss him?

I do.

I want to kiss him on the mouth
and hold him.

What are you talking about?

Something just happened,

Come on.
You read "Boobs" magazine.

I want Jamie.

Yeah, you're gay!

He's totally gay for...

Why isn't this any fun?

Come on, gather 'round.
Circle up.

Everybody circle up.

All right, circle up.
Circle up.

Come around me.
Around me.

All right, listen.
That's enough.

There's a weird dude
standing over there,

and I don't want to get shot

Great hustle, great practice.

Okay, the weird dude is gone.
Go home.

Hey, you guys,
it's that king we met!

Good afternoon, boys.

I've been thinking a lot
about you,

and I decided
that I want to help.

Starting with some new uniforms.

Compliments of
the Sheinhardt Wig Company.

You want to be
a bunch of winners?

You've got to dress for success.

That's why I sponsor a charity

that gives away tuxedoes
to homeless people.

It was a beautiful ceremony.

Mazel tov.

That's right.
Put them on.

You don't get these kids, Jack.
They don't care about winning.

They just want to be able
to go outside for once.

At our first practice,
they asked me what the sun was.



Hey, Jamie. Hey.

Did you just come from working
out, or are you naturally veiny?

Pull it together, Frank.

All right. Okay.

Good to see you, man.


So, I don't want to interrupt
or anything,

but are you doing anything
Saturday night?

Just gellin' like Magellan.

Okay, well, my friend's DJing
at this gallery opening.

He can get us in
if you want to go.

Oh, no, I don't think so.

Come on. It'll be fun.

Jamie, how old do you think
I am?

I don't know. 29?

You are good at guessing ages.

I am exactly 29.

But you're a baby.

No, I'm not. I'm 25.


I thought you were younger.

And I'm 29, so...

So you'll go?


Dude, I totally forgot.

I bought you a sweater.
It's slim-fitting.

They call it a French cut.

It wasn't on sale
or anything.

Wow. Thanks.

Do you need help
trying it on?


So, I'll pick you up
around 10:00?

At night?
Okay, that sounds great.

Where are we going?

Frank, stop it.

I can't.
I'm gay for Jamie.

No, that's not a thing.

You can't be gay
for just one person

unless you're a lady
and you meet Ellen.

Well, then, I got some
real thinking to do.

It's scary.

But also exciting.

I can't believe I did that.

I told myself
I would never lie about my age.

These things happen, Liz.

I had my "no sex with Asians"

But then one day you walk into
Sharper lmage, and there's Quan.

Forget it.
I'm gonna order more coffee

and then he'll come back
and I can cancel.

This is a good thing.

A hot guy
thinks you're 29.

He is cute.

He looks like Zac Efron.

That's a thing, right?

Oh, go for it, Liz.

I always roll with it
when hot guys think I'm 22.

What can we do?
We're cougars.

We're what?


Hot older ladies pouncing
on their young prey.


There was a whole article
about it in "Vanity Fair."

The one with
the "Crisis in Africa" cover.

God, it makes me so sad

that more people don't know
about cougars.

Why am I looking for something
to wear in wardrobe?

Why don't you go
to Abercrombie & Fitch?

it's too loud in there.

Don't say that.
Cougars have to act young.

You should get
a Ring Pop to suck on.

What are you doing?

Figuring some stuff out.

Sorry, Jenna.
I'm probably gay now.

It's never gonna happen
between us.

You wanted to see me?

Hello, Coach.

I thought we'd have a little
meeting before today's practice.

Practice? Meetings?
What is this, a marriage?

Phil Jackson likes to give books
to his players to inspire them.

So, which biography
of Winston Churchill

do you think would improve
Rashid's bunting?

Jack, have you ever been
to Knuckle Beach?

It's a totally different world.

A world where orange soda

is an acceptable substitute
for breast milk!

Tracy, I don't have to
understand their world

in order to help them.

It's like this great country
of ours.

We can go into any nation,

impose our values,
and make things better.

It's what Bush is doing
all over the globe.

Bush? Now, I don't want to go
off on a rant here.

So, I suppose the next step

would be to bring
our superior resources to bear.

Kenneth, show him the drawing
of the new field.

Oh, sorry.
This is my dream journal.

They've all come true so far.

What the heck
is going on out here?

You didn't get
behind grounders.

You didn't work
the pitch count.

There was nothing Churchillian
about that performance.

And where are their uniforms?

You can't wear blue
in Knuckle Beach,

which is hard because
jeans go with everything.

Tracy, your failure of
leadership is unacceptable.

Now you're going to blame this
on me?

I told you
this was going to happen.


I need somebody who believes
in what we're doing here.

Tracy, you're fired.
Kenneth, you're in charge.

So, you like the music?

Yeah. Speaking of music I like,
how about Gnarls Barkley, huh?

That guy's great.

Have you been
to his official website?

Is it only 1:00 a. M?


So, after this,
I figured we'd hit up Marquee.

They only serve drinks
till 4:00,

but I can get us into
this great club in Brooklyn.

I'm 37!


I'm 37. Please don't make me
go to Brooklyn.

I'm 20.

Oh, boy.

This just went from
a senior dating a freshman

to Mary Kay Letourneau
and Vili Fualaau.

Are those friends of yours?

Oh, when will death come?

Lemon, what happened?

Did you take an Ambien with your
Franzia and sleepwalk here?

No. I am out on a date.

I know you.
You deliver my coffee.

You're here with Lemon?

Yes, sir.
I'm Jamie, Mr. Donaghy.

What a polite young man.

They just changed bartenders.

I'm going to go see
if this guy will serve me.

Where did you two meet?
An Amber Alert?

I just found out that he's
17 years younger than me.

I knew I shouldn't have
done this.

I look ridiculous.

You've never looked better.

Do I look ridiculous when you
see me with a younger woman?

Boy, the art in here
is hung really level.

A youthful companion is
the ultimate status accessory.

Well, maybe you can
pull that off.

You're a man.
It's different for women.

That is so sexist of you.

To that clueless boy
over there,

you're a very powerful woman.

Technically, you're a catch.

You've got money,

naturally thick hair,
a decent set.

All right.

Have you been on a date
since Floyd?


Why are you so against
having fun in your life?

I'm not against fun.

I went up on my roof
the other day.

Stop fighting this.

He's hot, poor,
and eager to please.

Just buy him a few gifts, never
give him your home phone number,

and if you set a curfew,
stick to it.

Oh, gosh.

Hey, Coach.
How did practice go today?

Sir, conditions
have deteriorated.

I made Demarquis captain
like you said.

But having a kid from Trinidad
in charge

made the Latinos real mad.

And they all seem to really hate
my grandpa

'cause they keep yelling,
"Kill Whitey."

And I'm like, "What do you
think you are, alcohol?"

There was bound to be some
unrest once we removed Tracy.

They're testing our resolve.

Stay the course.


Mr. Jordan,
about what happened...

I don't want to talk about it,

You'll hear all I have to say
about Jack Donaghy

in my tell-all book,

"Betrayal"... colon...

"What Really Happened With
My Baseball Team"... comma...

at Knuckle Beach"...

question mark.

What the hell is going on?

It's chaos, sir.

They've turned
on each other.

And they won't listen,

especially when I say, "Don't
hit me with my own shoes."

I think things may have been
better under Mr. Jordan.

We're not going to
look back now, Kenneth.

Tracy didn't understand what
needed to be done. He had to go.

They're destroying all
the things I bought for them.

Everything but the bats,

Oh, God, they see us.

You kids put those bats down!

For the love of God.

Liz, did I see you Saturday
at Marquee?

I was there, yes.

So, what were you doing

Is it like that time

they found my grandpa
at the bus station?

No. I was there with Jamie,
the coffee guy,

and we had a great time.

Wow. Coffee guy?

That'll really make
your ex-husband jealous.

Cerie, for the last time,
I have never been married.

That's the spirit!

Hey, Liz, this is Aidan.


Guess you're not
the only cougar in town.

Aidan's a freshman at NYU.

Aren't you, Aidan?


Give me change for a soda?

You just had one.


No, don't you "whatever" me.

Hey! What did I say about you
wearing your Heelys inside?

Aidan! Wait up.


There she is!
The cradle robber.

Yeah, that's right.

I have a boy toy,
and we look awesome together.

That's great, Maude.
How's Harold?

His name is Jamie,
and you know what?

I don't spend a lot of time
worrying about his feelings.

I just know he's supercute,
and he laughs at all my jokes.

Coffee's here.

Hey, there.


I had fun the other night.
Your roof is awesome.

Oh, thanks.
I go up there all the time.

So, you want to get
some lunch?

Oh, I can't.
I have a lot of work to do.

Oh, okay.

'Cause I already got Randy
to cover my shift.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But I bought you
a video game.

"BioShock"! No way!

Hey, chatterbox. Wow.
I thought I heard your voice.

How was your weekend?

It was great.
Liz and I...

I made you a painting.
It's called

"One-Armed Mermaid That's
Part Unicorn With Bigfoot."

Wow. Thank you.

Are we still on
for tomorrow night?

No, he can't.
We're working out.
Yeah, I can't wait.

I'll see you
tomorrow night.

Yeah, I'll take it.
Thank you.

Liz, be good to him.

What do you want, Jack?

I want to talk to you.

It's hard for me to admit
when I've made a mistake.

So I won't.

Mr. Jordan, I have made
a terrible mistake.

Because of my arrogance,
the team is now in chaos.

Pedro and Fontanelle quit

because I tried to put them
in the outfield.

Of course they did!

They're afraid to go
north of 245th Street.

Next, you'll be telling me

you let ReShon have contact
with his birth mother.

Which ReShon?

Jack, I told you, you did not
know what you were getting into.

I only wanted to help.

But now things
are out of control.

We have two options.

One, we can cut and run

and betray the people
that we made this commitment to.

Or you and I can form
a coalition.

No way, J.D.

Tracy, I thought you cared
about these kids.

Just because I don't support
Jack Donaghy

doesn't mean I don't support
the kids.

But, sir, every one of them
wrote you a letter

asking you to come back.


Jack, if I come
back to the team,

can I throw these things away
and not have to read them?

Tracy, I'll pay somebody
to read them for you.

With your know-how
and my resources,

we can turn these kids
into winners.

All right, Jack.
What's the plan?

One word.


That's two words!


Look, Jamie,

I can't take this
Sam-and-Diane thing anymore.

I need to know
what we're doing here.

Nothing, Frank.
I'm not gay.

I'm not gay, either.
That's why it's perfect.

We're just
two straight guys

who want to enjoy
each other's bodies.

I got to go.

I can't believe
we're winning.

I knew the surge would work.

Way to go, Manuel!

That one goes out
to W.S. Churchill.

Hey, there's no way that those
batters were born after 1993.

These Dominican birth
certificates say otherwise.

You're up.

This is just embarrassing.



You look nice.

Thank you.

I got you that leather bracelet
that you were looking at.

Oh, that's so ill.
Thank you.

It is ill.

All right, we should get going
'cause we're going to be late.

No, we won't, baby.
We're taking a cab.


I've never been in a cab
with less than seven people.

Well, stick with me.

I will.

Look at us.

We look awesome together.

Yeah. Now I know
why Demi Moore does this.

I get that reference.

All right, Mom.
I'm taking off!


Yeah, I'm 20.
I can't afford this place.

All right, honey.
Have a good time.

Oh, hi. I'm Beth.

that's what we look like.

Shut it down.

Oh, hey, Jamie.


That is so awkward now.

Don't worry about it.
You had your fun.

But the end
was humiliating.

All May-December relationships
end in humiliation.

Sexual incompatibility, social
faux pas, meeting their parents.

It's classic.

I'm not sure it's worth it.

Don't be silly.
Jamie was good for you.

A younger companion
makes you feel more alive.

Opens you up
to new experiences,

fresh points of view,
stimulating conversation.

Stop repeating what I say.

Stop repeating what I say.

This is over.

This is over.

Of course, there are exceptions.
Thank God I'm off the market.

Are you seeing someone?

What? No. I mean this company
is my girlfriend.

She gives me all the loving
I'll ever want or need.

That's gross, Jack.

Stop hitting yourself,

Why are you like this?

Guys, this isn't working.

I'm not gay-gay.
I'm just gay for Jamie.

Frank, I don't think
that's a thing.

It is.

Look, you dudes are great,
a lot of fun to dance with,

and you smell awesome.

Enjoy your night.

Bye, sexy bear!

Terence, you make us all
look so bad.

My muffin top is all that?

Whole grain, low fat?

I know you want
a piece of that?

But I just want to dance?

Checking out my sweet hips?

My sugar-coated berry lips?

I know you want
to get with this?

But I'm just here to dance?

So back up off of me?

You're weirding me out?

I'm an independent lady?

So do not try to play me?

I run a tidy bakery?

The boys all want
my cake for free?

But if you can't shake
your fakery?

Then kiss my muffin top?