30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 2, Episode 1 - SeinfeldVision - full transcript

Hey.
How was your summer?

Hey, Gary.
How was your summer?

Hey.
How was your summer?

Hey, Jack!
There's my buddy.

Walk with me, Lemon.

You look great.

I can't believe
I haven't spoken to you

since your
heart attack.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

Nobody from corporate
knows about my cardiac event,

and I want to leave it
that way.



I'm back, Lemon.

I've had the most productive
summer of my life.
Me too.

All of my summer
replacement shows were big hits.

"America's Next Top Pirate."
"Are You Stronger Than a Dog?"

"MILF Island."
"MILF Island"?

"25 superhot moms.
50 eighth-grade boys.

No rules."

Oh, yeah,
didn't one of those women

turn out
to be a prostitute?

That doesn't mean she's not
a wonderful, caring MILF.

Well, I had a great summer, too.
And, um...

Did you redecorate, or...

Sir, I have all the latest
"Seinfeld-Vision" promos.

Oh, wonderful.



What's "Seinfeld-Vision"?

Well,
I realized that NBC owns

hundreds of hours
of footage of Seinfeld

from his massively successful
television series, "Seinfeld."

So my old tech guys were able
to digitally capture Seinfeld,

and now we can basically make
him do or say whatever we want.

So for the month
of October,

all of our prime-time shows
will feature

a computerized guest appearance
from Mr. Jerry...

Seinfeld.

If you didn't kill her,
why didn't you stay?

Quit grilling me!

"Seinfeld-Vision"?

Save the cheerleader,
save the world.

Yeah!
That's what I said!

"Seinfeld-Vision"?

Deal or no deal?

I'll take that deal!

Does Jerry Seinfeld know
you're doing this?

Jerry's in Europe
with his family right now.

But by the time
he gets back,

"Seinfeld-Vision" will be
a monster hit.

His kids will go to school,
and their friends will say,

"I really loved your dad on that
episode of 'Medium' last night."

And he's...
he's gonna love it.

Uh-huh.

Well, I had
a great summer, too.

I started a quilt.
I did yoga twice a week.

I wore flip-flops
in public.

I really feel like
this is gonna be my year.

"Biggest Loser."
So, uh, what's up with Floyd?

Uh, we broke up.

We agreed that it was crazy
to try it long-distance.

And I feel great
about it.

Oh, come on.

Lemon, if there's two things
I'm certain of,

one is you will never finish
that quilt...
I know.

...and you are not
over Floyd.

No, I really am, Jack.

I'm telling you,
this is my year.

I feel like
the show's gonna be great.

And I'm very positive that
I'm gonna meet someone else.

Lemon, women your age

are more likely to be mauled
at the zoo than get married.

Good to see you.
Bye.

Glad we're both doing
so great.

Put Floyd's name
on that quilt.

Yo, Ken, I'm gonna use

this whole kitchen area
as my bathroom.

Spread the word.

What is this?

Mr. Jordan's wife
kicked him out.

She froze my credit cards,
Liz Lemon.

And she got custody
of Grizz.

Can I keep my cockatiel
in your office?

No. Go home and apologize
to your wife.

What?
I'm not apologizing.

'Cause for once in my life,
I haven't done anything wrong.

How many years
have you known me, Liz Lemon?

One.

So you know I like to minister
to transvestite prostitutes.

I don't think
I did know that, no.

It's true.
He doesn't mess with them.

He just tries to get them
into computer school.

So Labor Day weekend,

I see this young she-dude
at the Dumpster by the 40/40.

I pull over and I say,

"You don't have to live
your life like this.

You can be a freaky-deaky
and do data entry."

Sure.
"What about
court reporting?

Believe in yourself!"

Right.

So as I reach in the trash
and pull this dude out,

a paparazzo jumps out
and takes a picture of me.

"Tracy Jordan
and his wife, Angie."
Oops.

So not only are you holding
a transvestite prostitute...

They confused shim with
Mrs. Jordan... Yes, ma'am.

And they think
she looks better here

than she did
at the 2004 Grammys.

Who's gonna do
my banking?

Who's gonna write my blogs?

Who's gonna do the cooking
on taco Wednesdays?

Okay, Kenneth, you are now
in charge of helping Tracy

with any of the nonsexual things
that Angie would do for him.

So he's, like,
my office wife?

Sure.
Let's go with that.

Kenneth Parcell,
would you take this ring...

and sell it in the Jewish part
of Midtown

and use the money to get us
a Nintendo Wii?

Yes. Yes!
A thousand times, yes!

Liz, how was your summer?

Good.
Floyd and I...
'Cause my play
was amazing.

There is nothing
like the thrill

of doing a live show
on Broadway.

You know, Jojo...

When life
keeps handing you anchovies?

Just cover them up
with some extra cheese?

And make a pizza?

I'm sorry I missed it.
It sounds just like the movie.

What happened to you?
Do I look fat?

Liz, I had to eat
four slices of pizza

onstage
at each performance.

Jenna, that's 32 pieces
of pizza a week!

No.
That can't be right.

Liz, it's like I flipped
the eating switch,

and I can't flip it back.

You have to help me.

Well, how am I su...
Oh, it's worse from behind.

I'm on it.

She needs to lose 30 pounds
or gain 60.

Anything in between
has no place on television.

I can't believe
I missed you.

Did Jack say anything
about my weight?

No, he didn't even mention it.
He's not noticing.

No one is noticing.

Oh! Whoa!
Oh, damn! Yowza!

Hey, Mr. Michelin,
I love your tires.

Okay, everyone.
Welcome back.

Some of you may be wondering

what happened between me and my
boyfriend, Floyd, this summer.

The answer is, we did break up,
but I am doing fine.

Was Floyd
the black guy?

Okay.
You don't care.

I don't care, either.
So, great.

I want a packet of 50 ideas from
each of you by tomorrow morning.

What?
Come on! Oh, boo!

Hey, I need
to ask you guys something.

Move away from me.
Don't stand near me.

Will you guys be bridesmaids
in my wedding?

Oh, that is very sweet.

But I think I might be
past bridesmaid age.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is it hard for you
because you just broke up

with that Floyd guy?

No! What? No.
That's...

You know, I would love...

We would love
to be your bridesmaids.

Great. We need to go
dress shopping tomorrow, then.

So meet me at Les Fesses
at 10:00 a.m.

Yay!
Yay!

Ohh.
Now I have my "something old."

Rise and shine,
Mr. Jordan.

I couldn't sleep at all
last night.

Angie kept
my Sharper lmage

white-noise
aromatherapy machine.

She knows I can't sleep
without the sound of the ocean

and the smell of bacon.

Well, hurry up
and get your second wind,

'cause I've got our day
all planned out.

We'll start
at Bed Bath & Beyond

and get all the things
that you're gonna need in here.

Then an old friend of mine
from college

is having her baby shower
out on Long Island,

so we'll swing by there.

And for dinner,
I thought we could just stay in

and have the rest of that soup
that I made yesterday.

I'm not doing any of that.

Okay. Fine.

I went with you
to your black vampire movie,

but I guess
I'll just tell my friends

that you have
a migraine.

Great compromise,
office wife.

Okay.

Hey, you know where I could find
that Jack Donaghy?

I got a bone to pick
with that guy.

I don't know which bone
I'm gonna pick.

But he's got some bones,
and I'm gonna pick one.

Really?

Weddings are so weird.

This veil costs
more than my couch.

Is that comedy, or do you
really have a $300 couch?

Both.

What, you never pretended
to be a bride

when you were
a little girl?

I did.
I just never romanticized it.

This is my husband,
Sol Rosenbear.

And this is his son, Richard,
from a previous marriage.

And then he cheated on me
with a lamb.

Oh.
Liz,
this dress is amazing.

They don't have it
in my size.

Can you try it on for me
so I can see how it hangs?

Yes. You're closer, Liz.
You do it.

I mean,
I could do it, but...

Fun.
This is fun.

Sir, Jerry Seinfeld
is here to see you.

You told me he was in Europe.
Does he look upset?

He looks the way you did
when I tried to hold
your hand on the jet.

Stall him a few minutes,
Jonathan,

till I get
my ducks in a row.

And get Legal
on the phone.

Oh, my God.

If I cover my good eye,

you look just like
Courteney Cox.

This one is really nice, Cerie.
And it's 40% off.

Oh, no.

Aris would kill me if I ever
bought a dress on sale.

I can't.

It really is nice,
isn't it?

You should buy it
and save it for your wedding.

No, no.
I'm... I'm single.

Doing great.

But don't you think you will
ever get married to anyone?

You are trying
to make a sale.

I know how this works.

Oh, thank you.

Hi. Jack?

No, of course I'm at the office.
Yeah.

Stall who?

This is
our control room.
Uh-huh.

There's nobody in there.
Sorry there's nothing to see.

We just got back
from summer hiatus yesterday.

Yeah.
Everybody's summer good?

Oh, mine was great!
I read, like, two books.

I broke up
with my boyfriend.

But I'm doing great.
I'm totally over it.

Mm-hmm.
Still talking?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I haven't talked to him since,
whoa, I don't know.

August 9th, 4:17 p. M?

Mm-hmm.
It's not over.

Oh, no, it's over.
I'm over it.

No, it's not over
till you pick up the phone,

you say,
"I don't love you anymore."

They say, "I don't love you
anymore, either."

You go, "Great.
I'll pick you up in 20.

Let's grab a scone."

A scone. Yes!

I want that.
I'm gonna call him.

Liz Lemon!

I need you
to go to my house

and pretend you're doing
a survey for the Ranford Group.

And then ask my wife if she's
sleeping with D.L. Hughley.

No, I'm not doing
any of that.

J.S.!

Oh, Tracy.

What's up?

Liz Lemon, me and this dude
used to do stand-up together.

Remember that night we had the
three-way with Elayne Boosler?

I don't think
that was me.

Oh, yeah.
You know what?

I think that was a mirror.

Ah.

J.S.,
this is my Kenneth.

Ah, yeah. You again.
Hello.

Jonathan, when is he gonna meet
with Jerry?

This is taking forever.

Mr. Donaghy left.
What? When?!

Just a few minutes ago.

Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

Jerry?
Is that you?

Nobody told me
you were here.

Oh, I'm here,
Jack.

Kenneth, why didn't you tell me
Mr. Seinfeld is here?

What's wrong with him?

Hello?

Hello? I'm sorry.
May I speak to Floyd, please?

Oh, he's in the shower.

Well, I am conducting a survey
for the Ranford Group,

and, uh...

How old are you?

And your weight?

And when was the last time
you had intercourse?

Who is this?
Who are you?

I'm your worst nightmare
is who I is!

He's got some girl
over there already!

Wow.

That is so embarrassing
for you.

So how can I help you,
Jerry?

Jack, I was vacationing
with my family in Europe

in a country
only rich people know about.

Svenborgia?

No.
Better.

But I can't tell you.

Anyway, my mother called
to tell me

that I'm gonna be on
"Law & Order."

And "ER."

So I called my agent
to find out...

when did I shoot
these things?

That's the beauty of this,
Jerry.

It's all done
with computers.

When you see it,
you're gonna love it.

25 sexy moms,
50 sweaty eighth-grade boys,

and one beloved
American comedy star.

This Wednesday
on "MILF Island."

Really?
Is that really your pitch?

Okay. I get it.

This is a two-way street.

All right, Jerry.

What NBC shows do you want to be
digitally inserted into?

I like "Lost."
Is that you guys?

Jerry,
don't be difficult.

The fact of the matter is

that "Seinfeld-Vision"
is perfectly legal,

and there's nothing you can do
to stop us.

I'm sorry, but...
it's business.

Here's some business...

How 'bout I buy NBC

and turn it into the biggest
Lane Bryant in Midtown?

Jerry, come on.

You're gonna buy NBC?

Like you've got $4 million
just laying aroun...

Jerry, I'm sorry.

Give me two days,

and I'll come up with something
you'll really be proud of.

Besides, you owe me.

Remember? St. Barts?

I saved your life
from that shark?

All right, Jack.

I'll come back.

But I still think
you shot a dolphin!

Hi, I'm here to drop off
the inspiration photos.

And you are the mother.

Bridesmaid, yes.

Th... That's my dress.

Don't buy that.
That looks ugly on you.

Yeah,
you'll thank me.

Is that dress
still on sale?

Yes.

You know, a lot of women
buy their perfect dress

when they see it

and then just trust the fact
that the husband will come.

Yeah.
Well, this is my year.

I mean, Floyd's moving on.
I'm moving on, too.

I'm just doing it
in my own order.

I'm gonna get the wedding dress,
and then I'm gonna have a baby,

and then I'm gonna die,

and then I'm gonna meet
a supercute guy in heaven.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not kidding, blondie.
Get out of the dress.

I'm gonna need to spread it over
a couple different credit cards.

Lemon, I am
in full-blown crisis mode.

I've already sold $20 million
worth of ad time

for "Seinfeld-Vision,"

and now Jerry wants
to pull the plug.

But I don't care,
because I thrive in crisis mode.

It's when I'm really
at my best.

And the fact that I do not have
one idea how to solve this

only energizes me more.

I've been brainstorming
all night. Here we go.

Number one...
Kill Seinfeld.

Number two... Kill Seinfeld,
then kill myself.

Number three...
Kill Seinfeld,

flee to Svenborgia,
then kill myself.

Jack, I'm not having
the best day either.

Number 70...
You seduce Seinfeld.

Now, why is me seducing Seinfeld
all the way at 70?

Number 71...
I fake a hurricane

and all regularly scheduled
programming is preempted.

These are terrible ideas.

There are no bad ideas
in brainstorming, Lemon.

I'm sure I'll come up with
something at the eleventh hour.

I always do.
'Cause I'm just that good.

Mmm.

It was on sale.

Oh.

I'm mad at you, Ken.

I seen the way
you was looking at Seinfeld.

You used to look at me
like that.

What, am I not a big enough star
for you anymore?

I am not even gonna dignify that
with an answer.

Especially after
I picked out

all these throw pillows
for in here,

and you didn't even notice!

Hey, everyone.
I know what you're thinking.

How did I lose 25 pounds
in one day?

I didn't.
It's visual trickery.

Drawing the eye up.

Hey, Liz,
you got to see this.

Jenna looks bananas...

Nope.
The real crazy is in here.

Liz lost it.

It was on sale.

I thought
you and Floyd broke up.

We did.
And I am doing great with it.

I just bought a dress.

Because, you know, I don't need
society's permission

to buy a white dress.

Who says this is
a wedding dress anyway?

In Korea they wear white
to funerals.

All right, uh,
I'm in charge now.

Everyone go home.

No.
I'm not crazy, Frank.

I am making a statement...

that, if need be,
I will marry myself.

And I am not embarrassed

that you guys
are seeing me wearing this.

So you're intending
to wear that all day?

Yeah, Chocolate Rain,
maybe I am.

Liz, um, Seinfeld's here
and Jack's not ready for him,

so you need to give him
another tour.

Wonderful.

Hello, Jerry.

Well, well, well.

So you called
that boyfriend.

Yes, I did.
And it went well?

No.
It didn't, Jer.

A woman answered.

Another woman already?
What did you say to her?

I did a fake survey.

You did the fake survey?!

I know!
I'm not over it!

And now I'm wearing this!
What is the deal with my life?!

Are you imitating me?

No!

This is what I sound like
when I cry!

I think
I'm a little insulted.

You're insulted?
I'm crying!

I got nothing.

Mr. Seinfeld's here.

I got nothing.

Oh, Jerry, wonderful.
Please, come in. Come in.

Can get you some water?

No, thank you.

Would you like some tea?

Some coffee?
Some iced coffee?

We have iced tea.
We have some juice.

All right.

Give me a water
if that just moves it along.

Okay. Boy, have I got
a presentation for you.

This presentation is going to,
uh, knock your socks off.

Here, let me close
this window

so we don't have any glare
on the monitor.

How was your weekend?
It's Thursday.

Well,
I mean last weekend.

It was very nice.

Can we just move this
presentation along, please?

It's "Seinfeld-Vision"...

and giving America
the programs they like

with the star
that they love

for one incredible month
of television.

What the hell
are you doing?!

God!
Oh, God, Jerry!

God, Jerry!
I got nothing!

I got nothing!

You've got to do this for me,
please!

Oh, God,
I've already sold the ad time.

What is wrong
with you people?

What's happened
to this network?

Call off your goons!

All right, Kenneth.

All right, listen,
Seinfeld.

I'll give you $1 million

and five free commercials
for your animated feature,

"Bee Movie."

And you let me run this
for one week.

$2 million
to the charity of my choice,

10 free commercials
for "Bee Movie"...

opening November 2nd...
and I do nothing.

You let me run "Seinfeld-Vision"
for three nights,

I give you $1.5 million
for the charity of your choice,

unlimited free promotions
on the "Today" show,

and you give me the name
of that country you went to.

One night.

Doctors Without Borders.

Roker in a bee costume.

Grenyarnia.

Oh, God.

Oh, no!

Did a Korean person die?

No, Tracy.
It's a wedding dress.

Don't do it, Liz Lemon.

I know what me and Kenneth have
looks perfect on the outside.

But it's work, damn it.
It's work.

How'd it go with Seinfeld?

I think
I pulled it off.

Good God, Lemon.
What's happened to you?

I thought this was
going to be your year.

I couldn't even
hold it together one week.

I'm not you, Jack.

I can't have a heart attack and
pretend like it never happened.

I can't break up with someone
and immediately recover.

I'm not you.
I'm just me.

Lemon, don't ever say
you're just you.

Because you are better
than you.

And I am not
going to let you give up.

This is going to be
our year.

Now give me the ham.

I like the ham.
Come on.

$4,000 ham napkin.

I look pretty, though,
right?

Don't push it, Lemon.

When life
keeps handing you anchovies?

Just cover them up
with some extra cheese?

And make a pizza
with what you've got?

Life is a pizza
with everything on top?

Pizza?

With what you've got?

Life is a pizza
with everything on top?

Pizza?

What you've got?

Pizza with everything on top?