30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 2, Episode 2 - Jack Gets in the Game - full transcript

You wanted to see me?

Yes, I did.

This is a $54 steak.

Congratulations.
It looks really good.

Yes, it does.

But, of course, I can't eat it
because of my recent...

Heart attack.

Secret heart attack.

No strenuous activity,
no red meat, no booze.

But I thought perhaps
you might enjoy it.

Oh, okay. Thanks.



This'll make
a great sandwich tomorrow.

No. I would like you
to eat it here.

Right now.

You want to watch me
eat this steak in front of you?

That's what I want.

Okay.

This is a time of new beginnings
for me, Lemon.

And, of course, that means
new opportunities.

Have you read the interview
with Don Geiss

in this month's issue
of "Yachting Illustrated"?

No. I subscribe
to "Giant Boats."

"'The ocean,' says Geiss,
'like business

or the pillowy abyss
of a lover's bosom,

seems infinite.



But all things must end."'

"Pillowy abyss"?

Ignore that part.

"All things must end."

Geiss is sending signals
about retirement,

about succession.

By talking about sex
in a sailing magazine?

That's exactly
how Margaret Thatcher did it.

Geiss' job is the most coveted
position in the free world.

You're in the running for it,
right?

I would like to think so.

But I've got to do something
to raise my profile,

to distinguish me
in some way.

And I have to do it soo...

You ate that whole thing?

A dog took it.

He came out of nowhere.

Hey, Jenna.
What's up?

Pretty good.

Are you okay?

I'm fine, Jenna.
I'm just a little light-headed.

I'm on a crash diet to get back
to my old weight by Friday.

What diet is gonna do that?

It's the
Japanese Porn Star Diet.

I only eat paper.

But I can eat all the paper
I want, so...

Hey, there.

Hi.

Jenna,
this isn't healthy.

Maybe you're just fighting
your natural shape.

When did your mom gain
all that weight?

Oh, God!

My point is, don't let people
make you crazy about this.

You are just as beautiful
and talented as you ever were.

No. No, no, no.
You are fat.

Go and see Dr. Spaceman right
now and get this taken care of.

How come men can be heavy
and be respected?

Like James Gandolfini
or Fat Albert?

It's a double standard,

and America needs to get over
its body-image madness.

Oh, come on.

What are we, back in college,
freshman year?

Let's go to the common room
and talk about apartheid.

I'm sorry if I care about making
the world a better place.

You should be.
It's a complete waste of time,

and it prevents you
from dealing with this.

Excuse me. What about "this"
do I have to deal with?

How's your love life going?

I believe that love comes to you
when you're not looking for it.

Did you return that
wedding dress you bought?

I'm gonna sell it online,
but my Internet is being weird.

How about the furniture
for your "home office"?

Have you even
set that up yet?

I'm not making excuses, Jack.
But "this" is taken care of.

Ow.

Ah, nerds!

I missed a dentist appointment
this morning.

WOMAN ON P. A:
Josh to the stage, please,

for "llleana Douglas
Talk Show."

Son of a bitch.

Banks.

What are you doing in town?

Were you drawn to the phallic
nature of our skyline?

Very funny, Jack.

How gay is this?

I'm here visiting
my fiancée.

What?

Kathy...

this is Jack Donaghy.

Banks,
have you lost your mind?

Oh, did I forget to mention
that Kathy is Kathy Geiss?

As in Don Geiss' daughter.

Can you believe that Don thought
she'd never get married?

You can't.
You're gay.

No.
Not anymore, friend.

Are you familiar
with the Church of Practicology?

You mean the cult that
was invented by Stan Lee?

No,
I mean the religion founded

by the alien king
living inside Stan Lee.

You see, it's my faith
in Practicology

that has helped me uncover
my true straight self.

It's definitely working.

I can totally feel the gay
draining right out of me.

By the eye of Zolnak,
right, guys?

You're going to be
Don Geiss' son-in-law?

That's right.

And if you read
his recent interview

in the "Harvard
Gay Business Review,"

you know that he's thinking
about retirement.

But I guess I'll find out more
about that tonight at dinner.

With Geiss.

At a restaurant.

Josh to the stage, please.

Yo, Ken.

Angie and Grizz is coming by
to drop some of my stuff off.

Oh. Okay.

But I want her to know I'm
having a good time on my own,

so you should go get us
some party hats.

The pointy kind.

Mr. Jordan,
can't you just apologize to her?

No! Things have been said
that cannot be taken back.

She called my vanity
license plate inscrutable!

"I see you ate one.
Am l"?

Hilarious!

Angie is in the past,

like Dracula
and broadcast television.

I think you're letting
your pride get in the way.

I mean, if you saw Angie
with another man...

With who?

That guy Mike
that redid our driveway?

Nah, whatever.

She should find
someone new.

Doesn't bother me.

Dot Com, I have an idea.

Well, I don't know,
but it's worth a shot.

Are you even listening
to me?

Now, Jenna, medically speaking,
for your height,

your weight puts you in what
we call the disgusting range.

Fortunately,
there are solutions.

For example, crystal meth has
been shown to be very effective.

How important
is tooth retention to you?

It's pretty important.

Okay.

What about my crazy surgical
options, Dr. Spaceman?

Please.

"Dr. Spaceman" is my dad.
Call me Leo.

And there are some wonderful
crazy surgical options.

Are you familiar
with the Bradshaw Clinic?

Am I? That's where
the Olsen twins were separated.

I've sent a number
of my famous clients there.

I can make a call,
get you in as soon as possible.

Oh, thank you, Leo.

I can't be on television
looking like I just had a baby.

This, right here,
is why I got into medicine.

Devin's a genius.

A genius? Isn't he just living
a lie to get ahead at work?

We all have our secrets.

Devin's pretending
to be straight.

I'm trying to keep
my heart episode under wraps.

And Alan Garkel
in legal?

I don't think he needs
that wheelchair.

No!

Aah!
Uh, Mr. Banks.

I didn't see you there.

I've been following you for the
better part of an hour, Kenneth.

Does Mr. Donaghy know
you're here?

I don't need Jack's permission,
Kenneth.

I'm gonna be running this place
soon.

And there are gonna be
some changes

to the pages' uniforms,
certainly.

Mr. Banks, Mr. Donaghy
eats guys like you

as part of
a healthy breakfast.

And I'm sure you think
he's weak right now,

but he's only gotten stronger
since his heart attack.

Heart attack?
Really?

Right, Mr. D?

High five!

Not now? Okay.

What is this?
Liposuction?

Plus bone shaving
and organ reduction.

Ugh!

Liz, you don't understand.

People look at me differently
now.

Jack, the writers,
the manager at Forever 21.

That is their problem,
not yours.

Is this clinic on a boat?

Hey, I've got a character
for Jenna called "Me Want Food."

She's in a supermarket, and
she keeps going, "Me want food!"

What? No.

We are not treating Jenna
any differently.

She's gonna play all the
characters she usually plays.

Like Hillary Clinton.

That's awesome.
"Fat Hillary."

She can be like,
"Me want food!"

No one is saying,
"Me want food," Frank.

We are going to showcase
Jenna's talents.

Can I sing a song
on the show?

Yes.
That's a great idea.

Can I sing and rollerdance?

Yes.

Yeah, because we are going to
dare America

to change their own attitudes
about body image.

Why do you have to make
everything into an issue?

Don't you have things to do
in your own life?

At least I don't live
with my mom. Ow!

Hey, my mom's cool.

I've got my life together,
okay?

Holy crap!
Did your tooth just fall out?

That's not great, huh?

Oh, check this out.

My key to the city
of Gary, Indiana.

Mm! Look at this.

My gold record
from that novelty party song.

Werewolf bar mitzvah?

Spooky, scary?

Boys becoming men?

Men becoming wolves?

Well, I'm going now.

Is there anything else
you want to say, Tracy?

Yeah.

I miss you, Grizz.

Ugh!

Hello, Angie.

I hear you're single now.
That's cool.

What?

I like your top.
I'm a real good sex person.

I do it
all the different ways.

Uh-huh.

Well, I don't have a husband
anymore.

So you can come over
anytime.

Oh, I will.
I'll come over at night.

Good job, Kenneth.

You should see my A-game.

So, Dad...

Can I call you "Dad"?

Why not? I have a grandkid
who calls me "Don."

Next time he does it,

I'm marching that little bastard
to a recruiting station.

Great story, Dad!

Don! Devin!

Jack! Small world.
Join us.

Are you sure?
I wouldn't want to intrude.

This is Manal.

I never should have said
we were going to a restaurant.

She got big.

Ooh, her center of gravity
is a little different.

Me want food!

Did you happen to tell Geiss
about my little episode?

Come on, Jack.
I'd never rat you out.

Wouldn't want to let you off
that easy.

Here.

Why don't you take
some of my steak?

I could never eat
this much meat.

That's not what I hear.

Jack, we're having
a little get-together

up at the house on Saturday.

You should come.

That would be my pleasure,
sir.

Yeah, you should come.

It's gonna be a whole day
of team sports and beer.

Get the ol' heart rate up.

Maybe pound a cheeseburger
in the sun.

Throw some butter on it.
You're gonna love it.

I'm gonna make your heart
explode.

Hey, Ken.

You're up early,
Mr. Jordan.

I only got 11 or 12 hours sleep
last night.

I got something
on my mind-grapes

I need to talk to you about.

Oh.
What is it, sir?

I saw you hitting on Angie
the other day.

Seeing you with her,
it opened my eyes.

Good for you, sir.

Yeah. All those years
fooling around,

it wasn't fair to her.

So you got to make it fair.

I want you to go to my house
and make love to my wife, Ken.

Jiminy Christmas!

My home address is in the GPS
under "DaCrib"

'cause we live
on DaCrib Avenue.

Now, you go to Angie.

And you make sure
you pleasure her.

Well, they did laugh.

At you, Jenna. At.

Right.
The bad kind.

You just can't be a real woman
in this country.

God! It's like those Dove
commercials never even happened.

Hey! Oh!
"Me want food"!

This woman was a Mouseketeer,
ma'am.

Let it go, Liz.

Me want food!

Oh, my God.

My own T-shirt!

Hey!
I am wanting the foods!

Very good. Very nice.

Thataboy!

Yes!

Thanks, Jack!

You earned me a grand!

Thank you.

How's the heart holding up,
buddy?

You know,
you ought to just quit.

Geiss loves quitters,

if I understood
his autobiography correctly.

Oh, wait.
I didn't.

You know what?
It's all right, Jack.

When you're dead
and I'm CEO...

Oh, my.

Winthrop!

How do you do it, man?

You're always in
such great shape.

Same weight as when I wrestled
at Yale, Jack.

Winthrop here wrestled
at Yale.

With other dudes or...

Banks here
says he can pin you.

Well, I don't know...

Okay.
You're so strong.

Oh, God.
You're having your way with me.

Your back is like a barrel
of snakes.

Oh, God!
I'm just your doll.

I think I love you.

We're joking.
It's all jokes.

This is
no ordinary love?

What have I done?

Kenneth
should be back by now.

What's going on
over at my house?

This is no ordinary love?

No ordinary love?

No!

No!

I got to stop this!

Wow.

There she is.

Me Want Food.

Did you know,
scientifically speaking,

that humans want food
but don't need it?

I'm really having second
thoughts about all of this.

Oh, don't worry.
Dr. Wally is the best there is.

In a few hours, you'll be
back to your old self.

It'll be like none of this
ever happened.

I'm keeping it!

Uh, what?

The fat.
I've decided to keep it.

Because people recognize me
and I get off on it.

If you're gonna do this,

it's got to be because we are
proving a point to the world.

Ugh! I'm not trying to prove
anything.

And you've got to stop telling
people how to run their lives.

That's not what this is.

And it's kind of hard
to take life advice

from a single woman
who is using her treadmill

as a hanger
for a wedding dress.

Oh, I'm supposed
to put it in the closet

with ham fat all over it?

And who's wearing a one-piece
swimsuit instead of underwear.

I have to do laundry.

There he is!

Hey, Jack.
Want a hot dog?

Oh, right.

The sodium.

Bum-bum.

Bum-bum.

Ka-boom!

Just so you know, if you hear
this sound at your funeral,

it's just me laughing.

I can't hear you, Banks.

Are you saying
you want me to help you?

Oh.

And if I do, you'll stop trying
to destroy me in front of Geiss?

Oh.

That is what you're saying,
right?

Here we go.

You're insane!

That's it.
I quit.

No more football.

Jack wins.

Quitter!

Oh, God!
Just like the Greeks.

I'm gonna kill you,
Kenneth the Page!

I'm sorry, Mr. Jordan.
I couldn't do it.

This boy comes to the door,
tries to kiss me,

then he throws up
and starts crying.

My body wouldn't let me violate
the sacred bonds of marriage.

It was a gesture, Angie.

I'm saying I'm sorry!

I'm at the end of my rope,
Tracy Jordan.

But, baby!

Mnh-mnh.

No more jewelry
with my name misspelled.

No more sexually explicit
skywriting.

And no more white boys
throwing up in my damn foyer!

What do you want?

I'm willing to try anything.

Okay.
Here's what I want.

From now on, I'm on you
like white on rice.

You are not to leave my sight
for one second. Ever.

All right.

If that's what it takes.

If that's what it takes.

This grilled cheese
has mayonnaise in it!

What?

Hmm.

Is it really worth it?

I wonder.

I almost let a man die today,
Caitlin.

And for what?

For a bigger office?
For more money?

Jack.

So, how's the ticker?

Devin told me.

He said
you're not a well man.

Why don't we forget
about Devin for the moment?

Are you concerned
about my heart, sir?

No, not at all.
Not after today.

You were out there with
those boys in your condition.

Talk about heart.

Take care of yourself,
Jack.

I've technically died
twice.

It's not fun.

But I'm not going to be around
forever.

At some point, I want to spend
more time with my grandkids.

Take my boat
down to the islands.

Get to know my secret family
up in Canada.

But I want you to know
you're on my list.

Jack, you might run this company
one day.

Thank you, sir.

You mind if I watch you
eat that?

Okay.

Werewolf bar mitzvah?

Spooky, scary?

Boys becoming men?

Men becoming wolves?

Werewolf bar mitzvah?

Spooky, scary?

Boys becoming men?

Men becoming wolves?