30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 21 - Hiatus - full transcript

Tracy is still missing and it seems as if the only one who knows where he is is Kenneth. But Kenneth is not willing to tell where Tracy went to. Tracy stays with Kenneth's cousin Jesse, who is a huge fan of Tracy. Tracy tries to start a new life by changing his name but a non-celebrity life is also not what he wants. Jack's mother comes for a visit because of Jack's up-coming wedding. While Jack's mother likes Liz, she is not too fond of Phoebe and Jack asks Liz for support. Liz and Floyd try to deal with their long-distance relationship, but it doesn't seem easy for both of them.

Previously on "30 Rock"...

Oh, golly, not that.

I don't shake hands.

I have avian bone syndrome.

Hollow bones.

Tracy Jordan, the Black
Crusaders are coming for you.

The top law firm
in Cleveland wants me.

For God's sakes, Tracy.
Where are you?

Starting a new life.

Because of the Black Crusaders?
That's crazy.

Will you marry me?

I took that job.


Where was Kenneth?
Let's find out.


And cough.

And cough.

Okay. Now let's start
the examination.

Are you
getting enough sleep?

Drinking water?

Are you exercising at all?

You're still working
those long hours.

I feel great.

My wedding's
in a couple of days.

The 18th, right?
Same as Bianca's.

I guess our friends will just
have to choose between us.

My mother's coming up
from Florida

to attend Bianca's wedding,
so it's perfect.

Do you... have any questions
about the wedding night?

You're actually in better shape
than last year.

You lost a couple pounds.
Your lab work is good.

And your blood pressure is...

We have a winner.

How's the stress eating?

Under control.

You're still not
eating right, huh?

but I am eating a lot.

You sound stressed.

My boyfriend
is moving to Cleveland,

but I'm gonna go visit him
over vacation.

And my boss
is super mad at me

because I know that he fell
asleep on top of his fiancée.

Have I given you
my new book?

It's about having a satisfying
love life... for life.

Is that you
in these pictures?

My techniques
guarantee male orgasm.

And it's the season finale
of my show this week,

and the star is missing
and may have been abducted

by a cabal of powerful
black celebrities.

That sounds stressful.

Has anybody
heard from Tracy at all?

Grizz? Dot Com?

Well, I guess if he's not back
by tomorrow morning,

we'll give some of his parts
to Josh

and cut the rest.

Can I play Barack Obama?

No. It's bad enough we have
Tracy playing Barack Obama.

I'm trying to get a head count
for the end-of-the-year party.

Should I include
Tracy and his guests,

or do you think he's dead?

No, he's not dead.
He's just...

could I speak with you a moment?

I know you and I
are not on good terms,

but we do need to work together
to bring Tracy back here.

Do you think I'm trying
to not find Tracy?

Lemon, I cannot endure
another failure.

Jack, trust me, nobody wants
to do the show without Tracy.

We used to do it every week
without him.

I'm just saying.

Oh! I hope he's okay.

I hope he's taking
his medication.

And I hope he took a jacket

'cause it can get
real chilly there.

I'm sorry, but I swore
I wouldn't tell anyone

where Tracy is.

Kenneth, my ex-girlfriend is
a member of the Black Crusaders.

I can make all this
go away.

My lips are sealed.

Key in pocket.

You are pissing off
the wrong guy.

I will cut you open
like a tauntaun...

Tell me where he is...

you mouth-breathing


I will tell you... right now...

that you are never
gonna find him.

Mr. Jordan!

Mr. Jordan.

I think you have me confused
with someone else.

My name
is Gordon Tremeshko.


I'm Jesse Parcell,
Kenneth's cousin.

Kenneth should have given you
the code word.


That's it.

Such a thrill to meet you.

Hey, thanks for taking me in,

I won't be a burden.

Now, make me a smoothie,
and let's go clubbing.

Oh, we don't have dancing
or liquor here.

But cousin Kenneth sent me
all your movies.

At night, I laugh so hard.

It really riles up
the wolves.

Yeah. Oh, I loved
"Honky Grandma Be Trippin'."

That's good.
Check it, check it.

Now you boys sit down

so this honky grandma gonna
show you how to break-dance!

Then you went... oh!

Check it, two times.

It was so funny, I nearly wet
my other pair of underpants.

Did you call Tracy's wife
on the phone?

Yeah, as far as she knew, he's
been shooting a vampire movie

in Bucharest since February.

Lemon, I'm getting married
in a couple of days,

and I don't need any more stress
in my life right now.


Uh, I mean, Mom.

Oh, never mind!

Well, well,
well, well, well.

Ha ha, this must be the one.


Phoebe, welcome.

No, no, no.
No, I'm...

Welcome, welcome, welcome!
Mother, Mother.

This is not Phoebe.
No, no.

This is not Phoebe?

Well, why the hell not?

I mean, she's perfect.

she's got strength of character.

And I'll tell you
something else.

She's got a good, solid
baby bucket.

You are a sassy
old broad, aren't you?

Mother, this is Phoebe.

Phoebe, this is my mother.

Hello, Mother Donaghy.
I'm Phoebe.

It's such a pleasure
to meet you.

I love your little hat.

Oh, my God.


I'll get it.


this is the farmer.

Is the egg safe?

The egg is in the nest.

But be careful.

The badger and the bear
have been asking questions.

I don't know
who you're talking about.

Listen, you don't have to
worry about Tracy, okay?

He's with his biggest fan.


Was that Kenneth?

What's going on
in New York?

Did he go to Russell Simmons'
birthday party?

Were there girls there
with butts?

Mr. Jordan, you need
to forget about New York.

You're not a movie star

You're name's
Gordon Tremeshko.

You live in Needmore,

where we don't go out at night
'cause of the wolves.


We almost got through
the whole season

without him going
completely bonkers,

but now, you know,
he's just gone.

And if he doesn't
get back in time,

I'm gonna have to rewrite
the whole show.

Hey, I'm sorry, but can we talk
about something besides work?

Um, okay.

What's the weather like

Um... it's actually
in the mid-40s.

Oh, really?
'Cause it's low 40s here.




So, what are you doing?

I'm waiting for the bus.

So I should probably
just focus on that, you know.

Oh, okay.
Call me later?

Okay. Bye.

I haven't found him yet.

I have to go to dinner tonight
with my mother and Phoebe.

And my mother has requested
that you join us.

She likes you.

No way.

She's not asking.
She's telling.


Try to get her to like Phoebe
just a little, okay?

You owe me.

Okay, fine,
but I want a lobster.


I want two lobsters...

totaling five pounds
of lobster meat.

And after that, we can clean
the dead birds out the chimney.

That's why we bought
these metal rods.

Don't you just love spring?

Baltimore was amazing.

You know Wacky Willy,
that DJ from 102.7?

We totally did it
in the prize van.
Oh, wow!

I'll pretty much do anything
to someone that's famous.

What's up?

What are you looking at?

I'll tell you
what you're looking at.


Gordon Tremeshko.

I always thought it'd be lovely
to get married in the spring,

just as the petunias
start to bloom.

Sorry, Phoebe, what?

I always wanted
to marry in the spring,

just as the petunias bloom.

Just when the what?

Oh, dear,
is she hard of hearing?

No, no, no, no.

I can hear you.

Just wanted to make sure
you could hear you.


I'm off to the loo.

What a good idea.

All right, scout's honor.

What do you think of her?

She's very well-read.

And she's very stylish,
don't you think?

And, you know,
the most important thing

is she makes Jack
very happy.

She's like a white geisha.

A white geisha.

Say no more!
Shark eyes.

Jack, I want you to face facts,
all right?

She is not the right girl
for you.

You got it wrong with Bianca.

You remember?

And now you're getting it wrong
with what's-her-name.

Well, you ought to know,

the only marriage

in the history
of St. Helen's Catholic Church

where the priest
recommended the divorce.

And it's not "Bee-yan-ka,"
like Sanka.

It's "Bee-yon-ka,"
like Willy Won... Wonka!

All you all right?

Could we order dessert?

Studio 6-H.

you have to come get me.


But what about
the Black Crusaders?

I don't care
what they do to me anymore.

I'd rather die famous than to
live for 100 years like this,

carrying plastic bags,
sitting on benches,

brushing my own teeth.

This is unsuitable.

Mr. Jordan,
if you're serious,

then we've got
less than 24 hours.

The show needs you.

What are you doing?

Dude! Jesse!

Hey, listen, I got to get
out of here because...

You're not going anywhere.

And that phone
is for local calls only!



Did you have a chance
to look at those silk samples

I brought you?


Jack, you desperately need
new pajamas.

They do such beautiful things.

It's like wearing
your own skin to bed.

That sounds wonderful.

Have you ever thought about
a faux finish for that ceiling?


Careful... my bones.

Are you all right?

Well, with your condition,

wouldn't you just be on top?

I can't.

I have vertigo.

It's a bloody shame

nobody waits for
their wedding night anymore.

Go to bed, Mother!

You promised
you'd go over my taxes.

Oh, God, this is it.

Here it comes... the big one.

Ride it, Donaghy.

Ride it straight to hell!


You still at work, huh?

Yeah, of course. Tracy's gone.
I'm still at work.

It's a nightmare.

Ugh! Is that how far apart
my eyes are?

I look like Admiral Ackbar.

Relax. It's one of the reasons
I like you.

So, listen, I was going to
fly out there on Saturday,

but I've got a bunch of stuff
to take care of, so...

Oh, you can come.

Now I'm gonna
fly out there...

How are you?
All right, now.

I'm gonna come out there
next Wednesday.

Oh, not till... day?

What's this thing doing now?


Yeah, Liz... not working...
breaking up.

Did you say
we're breaking up?



Why would you think
we were breaking up?

Who's this?
It's 3:00 in the morning.



Oh, my God.
Are you breaking up with me?

What hospital?
Wait. Whoa. Liz?

No, no, no. There has to be
some sort of misunderstanding.

I'm his fiancée.
I'm sorry, you're not family,

and you're not
his emergency contact.

Now, his mother can go in
if she wants to.

Oh, no.
I'm not going in there.

I go in there, I get bird flu,
I don't come out.

Hi, I'm Liz Lemon.
Somebody called me.

Oh, yes, Mr. Donaghy designated
you as his emergency contact.


What? This?

No, no.

I was at a costume party
earlier this evening.

And the hostess's dog attacked
me, so I had to stab it.


Jack's going to be fine.

But he has had a pretty serious
cardiac episode.

Also, I suspect
he may have scurvy

because he keeps asking
for lemon.

No. That's me.


Tell him his mother's here.
And she loves him.

But not in a queer way.

Lemon, is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

How are you feeling?

They gave me something.

My mouth tastes like purple.


I saw it, Lemon...

my whole life
passing right before my eyes.

Neil Patterson pitching me
the rotating microwave tray.

Me personally coining the phrase
"What's the upside?"

in Hands Across America.

And all the time
I've been on this Earth,

I have only one regret.

I should have worked more.

That's what you're taking away
from this experience?

Work is the only thing
I'm good at.

you and I have that in common.

No, Jack, that's not...

I've been rolling calls
from here...

...trying to spin
this Tracy thing.

No, Jack,
forget about Tracy.

You have to relax.

No, no, no, no, no.

You've got to get back to work
and come up with something

with or without Tracy,
or we are gonna be screwed.


Maybe this is
the drugs talking,

but I think I got Nixon
to agree to come on the show

and say, "Sock it to me."


How's the Dow doing?

You'll like my cousin Jesse.
He's real sweet.

Ooh, they got a door.
That's new.

Hello, there, cousin.

What brings you
to Parcell Hollow?

Well, I'm here to pick up Tracy,
of course.

Well, that's peculiar.

Why, he just left
first thing this morning.


I must have
misunderstood him.

Must have.

Sorry you came all this way
for nothing.

I'd invite you in,

but I got a living room
full of dead chimney birds.


Shh, shh, shh, shh.

We must rest,
my chimney bird.

Tonight we're reading
my screenplay.

I just timed the show,

and without Tracy,
we're still 20 minutes short.

Liz, on the show,

I could do the thing
where I walk like RoboCop.

Your move, creep.

That's great.
That's completely topical.

Oh, hey, Cerie,

would you like to dance in front
of the band on TV tonight

for like 10 minutes?

What band?

Our house band.

No thanks.
Floyd called.

How's that going?
Not great.

You know,
we had a web chat last night,

and I thought he said
he wanted to break up with me.

That must have
freaked you out.

I was kind of relieved.

Hey, guys, I hear
you're looking for someone

to dance
in front of the band?

Uh, no.

Oh. Isn't this exciting,
everyone pulling together?

I think the show's gonna be
really good this week.

Oh, I hope Tray's okay.

Oh, Floyd.

Tracy, time for lunch.

I hope you like chicken ne...

Tracy has escaped.

Thanks, Kenneth,
for saving me.

I'll have you in New York

in time for your traditional
pre-show rant.

I think it's gonna be
about immigration.

By the hammer of Thor!

You can't get away from me!

I'm gonna find you!

I know what you look like!
I remember what you look like!

You're so stupid.
I got to reload.

Damn, I wish I had a vehicle.

Jack, I'm filling out
all-new paperwork

to make me
your emergency contact.

Of course,
Phoebe, you should.

I mean,
it's just so embarrassing.

Mr. Donaghy,
you want dessert?

Good God, yes.

Let me ask you
a few questions, Jack.

Do you dye your hair?

No, Mother.
Why would I do that?


What's your middle name?

Just your middle name.

Did you take $20
out of my pocketbook

in the summer of 1970?

No, I did not.

Do you love me?

Of course I do.

I knew it.

Do you love me?

I see.


They got pretzels downstairs!

We're so close
and yet so far!

Come on!

Hey, do you guys know what's
causing the traffic problem?

Yeah, the President's in town,
there's a transit strike,

it's the Dominican
Independence Day parade,

a guy in suspenders
is doing chalk paintings

down on Canal Street.

You know how long it's gonna
take for me to get to midtown?

Without sirens?

Hey, I need you to take me.

Let me explain ambulances
to you, sir.

We don't go anywhere unless
someone is badly hurt, okay?

But I'm gonna
miss the show.

Mr. Jordan.

No, sir, you are not.

Ken, you are my boy!

Oh, my God, what a terrible
mistake accident!

Could you take 6th Avenue,

If I die, will you take care
of my birds?

I got a lot on my plate
right now, Ken.

Oh. Tweety.

Okay, I know this has been
a really tough couple of days,

but everyone
has pulled together,

and I am so proud and so pumped

because I honestly think that
this might be the best show

we have ever done.

I'm back!

Oh, thank God.
We were so screwed.

Tracy, you're alive.

RoboCop out,
Cowboy Hey-Hey back in.

Liz Lemon, I would like
to recommend Kenneth the page

for NBC Medal of Excellence.

Okay, that doesn't exist,

but you can write a letter
for his file.

I got a lot on my plate.

Okay, fine.

Lutz, don't just stand there.
Go eat something.

I don't know what this is.

Don't worry about it.

Just read the cards
and act super-gay.

Take this, Black Crusaders.

It's Cowboy Hey-Hey!

This is 21.

I'm on it.

Good night!
That's our show.

Have a great summer,


So I'm your
emergency contact, huh?

You're the only person
I know

who wouldn't hesitate
to pull the plug.

So, when are you going
to Cleveland?

I'm not going.

Are you getting married
in two days?

Phoebe is a lovely girl.

But... no.

I'm not getting married.

So what did you think
of the show?


I no longer think
you're doing a terrible job,

and I'm very proud of you.

Thanks, Jack.

I'm gonna
pull the plug now.

Whoa, whoa.

Just let me do it.