30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 20 - Cleveland - full transcript

Jack wants Liz to get to know Phoebe better, after he got engaged to her. So, Liz and Jenna go on a Girl's Day with Phoebe, but they do not seem to be on the page. Liz also has to spy on Phoebe, because she lied to Jack about where she is that night. Tracy tries to get funding for his planned movie project "Jefferson". But, no one wants to help him so he thinks the "Black Crusaders" are after him. Floyd, being frustrated about New York and getting no better job, plans to move. His city of choice is Cleveland.

And this is the two-bedroom.


By the hammer of Thor.
Can you afford this place?

I can with this new promotion.

It's a lot more money.

Like "get away with murdering
my first wife" kind of dough.


See, now, I could hang
a huge TV right there.

You could get
that third humidifier

you always dreamed about.

Slow down.

I'm not ready to move
my humidifiers yet.

Oh, I know.
I don't mean right away.

I just meant... someday,

Yeah, good.

But for now, I got a great job,
a kick-ass girlfriend.

I deserve an apartment
to match.

And I think this is
definitely it.

I'll take this one, too.

My son Akhmed will keep
his motorcycles here.

Thanks for coming.



Oh, welcome back.
How was Paris?

Paris was fantastic.

We stayed in this little place
in the Seventh

that Phoebe knew about.

I'm Phoebe.
We've met before.

Jack proposed to me
outside your office.

I have hollow bones,
like a bird.

Yes. No.
I remember you. Hi.

Well, I should go.

We've just won
the auction rights

to a fantastic collection
of Chinese erotica.

Pick out a good one for me.



So, have you guys set
a date?

Yes, we have.
May 18th.

That's Bianca's wedding date.
It was my idea.

That's fast.

There are no rules in love,

My Princeton roommate did it
the right way.

He dated his college girlfriend
for 13 years,

and the marriage didn't last
eight months.

And now he's a post-op

Will you look at that?

Phoebe reset my watch
to New York time

while I was sleeping
on the plane.

She really is
a wonderful girl.

And I do hope the two of you
get to know each other better.

Okay. Sure.

Why don't you have a girls'
day out? Take Jenna with you.

You could have lunch,
go shopping.

Take my gold card.

Ooh, it's heavy.

It's made of gold.



They turned me down,
Liz Lemon.


The damn bank.

I need a loan to finance
my Thomas Jefferson movie.

It's gonna be
at least $30 million

with all the Claymation
sex scenes in it.

They didn't want to pay
for that?
It's all right.

The movie's just a small part
of my plan.

What plan?
"Tracy Jordan Comeback."

I'm doing a comedy tour,

a Michael McDonald
cover album.

Oh, boy.
I don't know, Tray.

I don't think of you
as a great multitasker.

What can I do?
I'm on my grind.

I'm gonna have so much money

my grandkids
are gonna play lacrosse.

Lacrosse, Liz Lemon.

"I'm on my grind"?
Is that a...

There he is.
It's the Floydster.

I heard you were going in
for your final interview,

and I wanted to put in
a good word.

All right.
That should put me over the top.

Oh, you're already there.

The other candidate
is an outsider,

and we like to promote
from within.

Plus, his name
is Alan Garkel.

You're never gonna lose a job
to a guy named Garkel.

Did someone say my name?

You're not gonna beat that.

Well played, Garkel.

Because Carl's
trying to kill the gophers.

But then the explosion knocks
Danny's ball into the hole,

and he wins
the tournament.

And that is the plot
of "Caddyshack."

I can't believe
you've never seen it.


I'm sorry.

Oh, you like Wagner.

No, I like Elmer Fudd.

ß Kill da wabbit ß

ß Kill da wabbit ß
ß Kill da wabbit ß

My parents were both poets,
so I don't really get it.

So, this has just been
a whirlwind romance for you.

Just a whirl of wind.

I know what you
must be thinking.

"What kind of a woman marries
a man she hardly knows?

What is she after?"

No. No, no.
I don't think that.

I completely get it... why you
would want to marry Jack.

I'd marry Jack
in a heartbeat.

I would have a three-way
with two Jacks.

You need to cool it.

Let's face it.

At our age, we can't afford
to waste any time.


Floyd and I have been dating
for a month.

Do you think I should be mad
that I don't have a ring?

Wow. How "Sex and the City"
are we right now?

I'm Samantha.
You're Charlotte.

And you're the lady at home
who watches it.

Dude, check it out.

Bill Cosby hates you.


Look here.

"Tracy Jordan
has made a career

"out of exploiting
black stereotypes.

He is an embarrassment
to African-Americans."

Why would he say that?

What have I ever done
to embarrass black people?


Why are we doing this?

Because the Jets lost.

Mr. Jordan,
your manager called.

Temple University has canceled
your stand-up appearance.

And Michael McDonald
is denying permission

to record
any of his songs.

In other words...

ß Oh, Tracy ß

ß You can't use
any of my songs ß

This is no coincidence.

What are you talking about?

The bank loan.

The Michael McDonald situation.

Temple University.

Dr. Cosby is sending
a message!

They're out to destroy me!

Who is?

The Black Crusaders.

Your Floyd would love
this one.


If I was gonna spend $600
to have my boobs pinched,

I would've gone to that
fundraiser at the Clintons'.

Come on.
That was solid.

Liz, I'm concerned
I'm boring Jack sexually.

No, no, no.

We've only got engaged,
and already our intercourse

is infrequent
and unimaginative.

I'm really not
that kind of girlfriend.

I would gladly pick you up
at the airport.

In Paris,
he fell asleep on top of me.

I mean, I just want to
make him happy.

If he's happy, I'm happy,
you know?

Do you have
that credit card?


I'll take everything.

Liz, can you help me?

Yes, ma'am.

I don't know you,
but I will help you.

Damn it.
I can't believe it. Garkel?

I'm sorry.

I'm just sick of it.
I'm so tired of this city.

I am so tired
of the rat race.

Fellas, you got to
keep it down, okay?

I got to work
in the morning.

Mommy is looking
very strong tonight.

Come on.

$20 across the board.

You got to talk to your landlord
about that rat race.

That is my landlord.


Maybe I just need to go
out of town for a little while.

That's a good idea.

Vermont is always nice.
Or the Bahamas.

I was thinking
of Cleveland.

That is also a place.

Yeah. I just haven't been home
in a long time.

We need to search
your bag.

Of course they do.

I dream about moving back
to Lakewood.

Or maybe even
Shaker Heights.

Big Creek Parkway.

Send the kids
to St. John Bosco's, you know?

Maybe even cheering on the Tribe
at the Jake.

This dream, this is way down
the road, right?

Yeah. Yeah.
Three, maybe four years.

What's this fungus cream for?

All right. That's it.
Show's over.

Give me that.
Let's just walk.

How long do you see yourself
living in New York?

Well, like forever.
At least I did.


You want to end up
like that?

I'm gonna be like her.

Oh, there is nothing
like New York in the spring.



I mean, come on.

This is the capital
of the world.

The culture, the...

Are you all right?

He spit in my mouth.


Let's go to Cleveland.

Oh, blurg!

Hey. Frank told me
about that Cosby thing.

That is harsh.

I'm done.

The Black Crusaders want to
make an example out of me.

I'm not gonna ask you
who that is.

The Black Crusaders

are a secret group
of powerful black Americans.

Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey
are the chief majors.

But Jesse Jackson,
Colin Powell,

and Gordon from "Sesame Street,"
they're members, too.

And they meet
four times a year

in the skull
of the Statue of Liberty.

You can read about that
on the interweb.

Ah. Well, it must be true
if it's on the interweb.

Right. Uh-huh. Make fun of me
all you want, Liz Lemon.

Do you know
they'll ruin anybody

who they think are making
black people look bad?

They tanked 50 Cent's movie.

They blew out
Terrell Owens' ankle.

And they canceled
Eddie Murphy's Oscar

because he had ran out
on Scary Spice.

And now they're after
Tracy Jordan!

Tracy, I know the movie
is important to you

and you're stressed out,
but keep it together, okay?


And fortunately,
there were no injuries.

Tracy Jordan,

the Black Crusaders
are coming for you.

We'll have more
on the weather...

Man, I wish somebody else
had seen that.

Look what Phoebe got me.

Golf clubs.

Not just golf clubs.

These clubs once belonged
to President Gerald Ford.

Oh, wow.

So, what do you think
of Phoebe?

Well, we had fun.

And, uh, Phoebe bought
some bonkers underwear,

so have fun
with that tonight.

Well, not tonight.

Uh, may I?

Thank you.
Not tonight, unfortunately.

She's, uh, speaking at a seminar
up at Columbia.

And as much as I would like
to attend,

I haven't been above 72nd Street
in over a decade.

I'm glad you're happy.

It's all Phoebe.

We have an attraction
that can only be described as...

wolflike, lupine.

I am so exhausted.

And Paris was, to borrow
a phrase, just... bonkers.

Phoebe said.

Do you cover him?

Phoebe isn't going
to Columbia tonight.

She had me call a car to take
her to this address downtown.

What do you want me to do?
Go spy on her?

For Mr. Donaghy's sake.

I know you have your doubts
about this.

I can see it
in your eyes.

It's weird, right?

Then again,
all relationships are weird.

My boyfriend, Floyd...

Ah. Thank God.

Mr. Donaghy's office.

Just a quick look.

By the hammer of Thor.



Jack, I have to talk
to you.

Is this about
the Tracy situation?

Then it'll have to wait.

What Tracy situation?

I tried to call you.

He set fire to
a cardboard cutout of Al Roker,

and now he's locked himself
in his dressing room.

Oh, brother.


Come out.
Nobody is trying to get you.

Have you seen the cover
of this month's Oprah Magazine?

That is an anagram
for "outlaw sour Tray."

Who told Tracy
about anagrams?

I'm gonna call
Dr. Spaceman.

Hey. The car's downstairs.
You ready to go?


The Black Crusaders
are trying to get rid of me.

They want me to disappear
like Coolio.

Coolio is around.

Would you also prescribe
something for Tracy

which would keep him awake
during sex?

Oh, great.

Okay. I'll talk to you later.

Let's get out of here.

ß What hot spot's got
the hippest groove? ß

ß Cleveland ß

ß Where all
the real gone daddies move? ß

ß Cleveland ß

ß Dig that sweet Cuyahoga glow ß

What smells so good?


ß Where the jet set swing
with hepper cats ß

ß Shop at Higbee's,
then we'll hit the Flats ß

Excuse me.
Are you a model?

Uh, no.

Oh, you are so skinny.
You really should eat something.

ß I say, Cleveland, hello ß

ß Yeah ß

ß New York and Paris
just don't have ß

ß The sights you see
on Euclid Ave ß

Would you like to pet
a real police horse?

ß Chef Boyardee was born here,
you know ß


ß Terminal Tower
soars up in the sky ß

ß Over 50 groovy stories high ß

Ladies first.

ß I say, Cleveland, hello ß

Hi! I'll have two hot dogs,
a pretzel with extra melted...


Ms. Lemon, this is Kenneth,
the NBC page in New York City.

I hate to bother you
out west,

but Tracy Jordan
hasn't come to work.

Kenneth, don't be
so New York uptight.

I'm sure he'll show up.

ß Look over there ß

ß I think I see a movie star ß

ß Even movie stars, they come
to Cleveland to get away ß

ß Tracy Jordan,
you got to get away ß

ß Got to get away,
got to get away ß

ß To Cleveland ß


I have something important
I want to talk to you about.

The top law firm
in Cleveland wants me,

and I think
I should accept.

What? Really?

What's this?

It's a house in the Heights
that I can afford.

When did you have time
to look for jobs and houses?

When you were at
the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Did I tell you?
I sat in ZZ Top's car.

And then I had lunch
with Little Richard.

And I know it's not "TGS,"

but I'm sure
you could find a job

at one of the local
TV stations.

You sure could.

We need a host
for a new cooking show on WKYC.

Where have you been?


For God's sakes, Lemon.

We'd all like to flee
to the Cleve

and club-hop
down at the Flats

and have lunch
with Little Richard,

but we fight those urges because
we have responsibilities.

What's going on?

He's missing.

What? No. Kenneth,
have you tried to call Tracy?

Yes, ma'am. I tried
all six of his cellphones.

It's almost as if
he never existed.

Or maybe he's not answering.

Lemon, "TGS"
without Tracy Jordan

is basically a puppet show.

You know, I'm right here.

Why am I doing this

when I could be happy
living in Cleveland?


Floyd and I
are thinking of moving.

No, you're not.
No, you're not.

Look, every great getaway

has that moment when you want
to pack it all in and stay.

That's how I ended up
with a time-share

in Port Arthur, Texas.

I don't think
that's what this is.

Floyd is pretty great.

Look, in Cleveland,
I'm a model.

Yeah, we're all models
west of the Allegheny.

I'm serious about this.

Maybe you should go.

Your head is obviously
not in the game lately.

And now you've lost Tracy.
Maybe you're burned out.

What is this?

This is Frank's "Hot Baby"
sketch, which is regrettable.

But we have no Tracy Jordan
and a show in two days.

But, hey, that's not gonna be
your problem

once you move to Ohio.

No, you're not.

Frank, that's gonna
get cut.

Did you say anything
to Jack?

No, but I'm going to
if you don't.

Oh, grow up, Liz.

I didn't tell Jack

'cause I didn't want him
to set upset about nothing.

That man was a former lover
of mine.

I was ending it with him

Uh-huh, and are
all your ex-boyfriends

rich older gentlemen?

I care about Jack.
I make him a better man.

You know how John Lennon
was better

than the rest of the Beatles
but didn't realize it

until he met Yoko Ono?

Well, I'm Jack's Yoko.

You want to be Yoko?

This is none
of your business anyway.

I'm marrying Jack.
He's everything I ever wanted.

Oh, I bet he is.

don't know anything about me!

What happened
to your accent?


I don't know
what you're on about.

You... daft wanker.


Liz Lemon?

It's me.

Stacy Gordan.

where are you calling from?

I can't tell you that.
I'm sorry, Liz Lemon.

I want to thank you
for everything you've done.

But I quit.

For God's sakes, Tracy.
Where are you?

Starting a new life.

Because of
the Black Crusaders?

That's crazy.

Damn it, Lemon,
why didn't you tell me

the Black Crusaders
were after Tracy?

Surprisingly fast.

I'm on him.

I can't go to Cleveland.


I'm sorry.

I've been thinking
about this.

And I think you're great.

And obviously
Cleveland is great.

But I can't move.

I know.

My life is here.
My friends are here.

The show is here.
And I've known you a month.

Oh, you hate me right now,
don't you?


No. It was a crazy idea
to begin with.

We were on
a vacation high...

It's like a drug.

If the whole world moved to
their favorite vacation spots,

then the world would live in
Hawaii and Italy and Cleveland.

Totally, but just knowing
that C-Town is out there

as an option
for the future,

that's gonna make it
so much easier...

I took that job.


Did you locate Tracy?

Not yet. I'm working on it.

You never answered
my question...

what you think of Phoebe.

Honestly, I wish I had the guts
to do what you're doing...

just going for it.

God bless.

You still haven't answered
my question.

I think she likes you a lot.

And I think
she takes care of you.

And she's smart
and pretty

and completely wrong,

and she doesn't
deserve you.

I think she's weird,
and I don't like her.

And her ex-boyfriend is old,

and I don't even think
she's British.

And you shouldn't
marry her, Jack.

Please don't marry her.

Oh, my God.

Lemon, Phoebe was right.

You are infatuated with me.

No. No, no, no.

Lemon, you are
a wonderful woman,

and you deserve
to be as happy as I am.

Maybe with Floyd, right?

Don't mention Floyd.

Floyd is not happening.
Floyd is moving.

Floyd is moving?

What did you do?

What did I do?
I acted like a rational adult.

I didn't get engaged
to some gold digger

and then delude myself
into thinking

I could keep up with her.

Yeah, Jack.

I know that you fell asleep
on top of her in Paris...

in Paris, France.

I think you should go.

Uh, Phoebe, darling,
Lemon was just leaving.