30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 19 - Corporate Crush - full transcript

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey.
What's wrong with you?

What?

Your face... it's like
you're happy or something.

I am happy, Frank.

'Cause of that dude
you're donking.

Floyd.

Yes.

He just gets me.



Oh, I think you got
a little something.

Right here?
Other side.

Here?

Up a little.
In that area?

You got it.

Oh, that movie was
a complete waste of time.

I thought
it was moving...

my bowels.

Reverse, Reverse,
Skip, Skip, Draw Four!

Oh, hell, no!

That's awesome, Liz.

I'm really happy that you found
someone to care about

because relationships
are hard.

So, if you ever need someone
to come over



and videotape
you guys doing it

or whatever,

I can make room
in my schedule.

Thanks, Frank.

You're welcome.

No judgments.

Don.

Jack, you old dog,
how are ya?

I'm good, sir.

Course you are.

Look at those eyes...
sharp like a panther's.

Thank you.
Would you like to sit down?

I can't.

I took my grandkids
snorkeling at St. Barts,

got stung by a jellyfish.

I got a welt on my ass the size
of a Red Delicious apple.

I'm very sorry
to hear that, sir.

Yeah, well, Jack,

you really terrified
the people

with that fireworks special
of yours.

Well, we were trying
for something dramatic,

and I don't regret trying.

Well, you got to try.

As my old man always said,
"If you try, you win."

And he was
a hell of a garbageman.

I just want you to know

we all still have
a lot of faith in you, Jack.

Thank you. That means the world
coming from you.

But I'm taking the Microwave
Division away from you.

I mean...
you're in the rough, Jack.

You got to get back
on the fairway.

Yes, sir.

You ever think
about getting remarried?

Well... Well,
I just got divorced, sir.

Everyone in this division
is married except you.

Well, look at Bob.

His wife looks
just like Walter Matthau,

but she's always there
for him.

It's the kind of companion
you need.

Think about that.

I will, sir.

Going to see Tracy Jordan.
He is funny.

What's that film
where he turned into a dog?

Uh, "Fat Bitch," sir.

That's it.
I love it.

Boy, that's a great film.

I'm sorry I let you down.

Thank you for agreeing
to meet with me, Don Geiss.

Would you like some grenadine
or some fried rice?

I'm good.
Thanks.

Sir, I have a movie project
that is going to blow your mind.

I call it "Jefferson."

A movie version
of "The Jeffersons"?

I love it.

No, Thomas Jefferson.

I just recently found out

that he went to town
on one of my ancestors,

so we're related.

You want to play
Thomas Jefferson?

And Sally Hemings
and King George.

I'm gonna play
all the parts.

Did you know he had a lisp?

What's up, stupid jerks?

I'm Thomas Jefferson.

So we gonna
need about $35 million

to do this thing right.

I'm gonna get us
one of those big clocks,

and I'm gonna hang it
in there.

Sorry I'm late.

Aw, Lutz, that's okay.
I'm just glad you're here.

Aw, you got a face
like a baby's bottom.

Poop!

I hate when
you're in a good mood.

It makes me feel unsafe,

like when my mom
used to make daiquiris

and sing
Tanya Tucker songs.

That sounds awesome.

Ms. Lemon, Mr. Donaghy
would like to see you.

He's across the street
at Christie's auction house.

Oh, brother.

What's this?

Jack goes to Sbarro
when he's angry,

the New York Stock Exchange
when he's horny,

and Christie's auction house
when he's depressed.

He said he needs you
immediately.

Yeah, that's the Liz face
I'm comfortable with.

You've been avoiding me,
Lemon.

How do you do that
without turning around?

To be perfectly honest,

the first couple of people
I did that to were not you,

but... here we are.

Mr. Donaghy.
You probably don't remember me.

I'm Phoebe.

I handled the sale
of your ex-wife's jewelry

to an anonymous Arab.

Oh, yes, of course.

Those were
such lovely pieces.

The ruby-and-diamond cluster
ring was particularly exquisite.

Yeah, that was
her engagement ring.

Uh, you know, I took the money
from the sale of those pieces,

and I bought a sailboat.

And I named it after my ex-wife,
and I sank it.

It's true...
the Bianca Blows

is somewhere at the bottom
of the Peconic Bay.

If there's anything I can show
you, please do let me know.

Okay?

I really do like
these equestrian paintings.

Isn't that magnificent?

I wish I were a horse...

strong, free...

my chestnut haunches
glistening in the sun.

Are you okay?

Hmm?
Oh, yeah, sure.

You know, I'm really
sorry that I let you down.

You should be.
My special was a disaster.

No, I wouldn't say that.

You left me dangling,
Lemon.

I'm not a creative type
like you

with your work sneakers
and your left-handedness.

I can't do what you do.

I know.
I dropped the ball.

But I was just trying to do
what you said

and have a personal life.

And I guess I got caught up
with this new guy.

Oh, right, flower guy.

His name is Floyd.

That's unfortunate.

I'd really like you
to meet him, Jack.

Fine.

I'd like to meet the man

that made Liz Lemon
shirk her responsibilities.

Let's say Priscille, 9:00...
be sure to wear a tie.

Are you sure you're okay?

I pitched my "Jefferson" movie
to Don Geiss.

He said, "No."

He said, "People only see movies
because of the previews,"

and he couldn't visualize
my "Jefferson" preview.

He wants me to do
"Fat Bitch 2" instead.

Well, that doesn't even
make sense.

Everyone knows Fat Bitch
died at the end.

It's not the kind of stuff
I want to do anymore, Ken.

I want to be taken seriously.
What should I do?

Well, remember
when Fat Bitch

called all her dog friends
together,

and they used their high-pitched
howling to mess...

You're right, K.

I should make
my own "Jefferson" preview

and show it to Don Geiss.

I'm never gonna finish this
bikini before Nana's birthday.

Hey, Liz Lemon,
where you going?

Uh, home. I got to go get ready
for a dinner with Jack.

Listen, I'm going to need
to make a fake trailer

for my "Jefferson" film.

I'm gonna need
the entire resources of the show

for no more
than three weeks.

You in?

No. What? No.

Tracy, you're not doing that.
We have a show on Friday.

Liz Lemon, you are
my Alexander Hamilton.

I don't know
what that means.

Writers.

Listen.

I need your help.

Well, I hope
this isn't too boring for you.

Are you kidding?
Jack Donaghy's a legend.

I've read his book
like 20 times.

Jack wrote a book?
Yeah.

"Jack Attack: The Art
of Aggression in Business."

Oh, no.

He got here before us.

You're not supposed to let
that happen.

That's chapter two
in the book.

Hi, Jack.

This is Floyd.

It's a pleasure
to meet you, sir.

Well, you're Floyd.

The only other "Floyd"
I ever knew

was this Korean barber
who used to cut my hair

down in the 50th Street
subway station.

That's my dad.

I'm Floyd Jr.

I'm just kidding.
Oh.

Please.

Sorry.

I'm just nervous to meet
the head

of East Coast Television and
Microwave Oven Programming.

I just got the word
from Geiss.

They're taking me
off Microwave.

Oh, no. Really?

Mr. Donaghy, with all
due respect to Mr. Geiss,

I got to say he's making
a terrible mistake.

This company's stability
in the small-appliance market

is in large part
your doing.

The dedicated popcorn setting
on your microwave

was the imagination breakthrough
of 1995.

In 2002, you increased
corporate earnings by 3%

while the country suffered
through a recession.

And
"Attack of the Clones,"

which was seriously
the worst of the "Star Wars."

One sec, Liz,
one sec.

And on a personal note, sir,

in my mind, the Foo Fighters'
song "Best of You"

is about
your managerial skills.

Lemon, I want to kiss
your boyfriend on the mouth.

Chapter 12.

I thought
you were gonna do it.

What are you drinking?
Club soda.

Oh, that's a shame.
Pete.

Hey, Liz Lemon.

Could you go away
for a while?

I got to get rid
of Freddie's erection.

No. Explain
what is happening here.

Freddie is
playing the part

of Thomas Jefferson's horse,
Caractacus.

We needed a place to keep him
till we shoot his stunts.

No, Tracy, I told you
not to do this.

Jack said I could.

This movie
is my destiny.

It's the reason why God
put me on this Earth.

I'll take you off this Earth.

The overwhelming
violence of the subject matter

is in deliberate
juxtaposition

with the pastoral beauty
of the terrain.

Jack, Tracy put a horse
in my office.

Uh, Lemon, you've met...

Hello.
You probably don't remember me.

I'm Phoebe.
We met the other day.

Yeah, yeah, I remember you.
I'm Liz.

Oh, sorry.
I don't shake hands.

I have avian bone syndrome.

Oh, boy, okay.

Hollow bones.

Lemon,
I want your opinion.

Which of these two
do you like?

Uh, they're both
beautiful.

They look just like the one
crapping in my office.

Did you tell Tracy
he could use the crew

to make a trailer
for his crazy movie?

Yes.
How's Floyd?

What? He's fine.

I called him earlier.

We had a very nice chat.
Did he mention that?

No, he didn't.
Oh, he will.

He's a good man,
the Floydster.

Oh, the Floydster.

Don't give him a nickname
before I do.

Um... the white horse.

I was wondering if...
Did I hurt you?

It's... just a little bit,
but that's okay.

Yes, the white horse...
It's...

Yo, Tray,
we got a problem.

Pray, who be this Tracy Jordan
thou speakest of?

Uh, President Jefferson,
we got a problem.

Speakest.

That horse
ate your wig.

Well, stand guard by his rump
and await it in his droppings.

Or we could probably
just go get a new wig.

Aha, I like you, young man.
You shall run my university.

Yeah, yeah.
No, it's very nice.

Hey.
What are you doing here, Jack?

Jack bought me
this painting.

Wow.

Um...

is that lion
eating the horse?

Or perhaps it's eating
universal healthcare.

I bought this
for the Floydster

to congratulate him
on his promotion.

Well,
it's not a sure thing.

I didn't know
you were up for a promotion.

Well...

We should go celebrate.

I'm free for lunch.

Do you want to grab
a burger?

Shoot. I just said I'd go
to lunch with Jack.

Oh.

Why don't you join us?

Will that be okay?

Yeah, I guess so.
Sure.

It's kind of like
you two are dating.

Um, I think
that Coulter was right.

So, where's Pete?

Oh, he took his kids
to that Russian cat circus.

Wow.

You are bringing it.

Yeah.
You like that?

Unh.
It's got pockets.

Are you into that?

Ooh, what's this?
A used Kleenex.

Oh. I feel
like I'm in a rap video.

Wait, let me turn on
my humidifier.

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

It's so dry in here.

I really don't know how
much more of this I can take.

Unh, unh, unh, unh.

Yeah.

Old school... Kid 'n Play.
Here we go.

That's not that impressive.

That's Davy Jones.

Hey, it's Jack.

Jack?
What does he want?

He's just saying "hi."

Oh, he wants to meet
at that diner on 71 st.

Get a veggie burger
and a milkshake.

You want to go?
It's midnight.

Yeah,
we don't have to go.

There. Done.
Good.

'Cause this VapoRub isn't gonna
get under my nose by itself.

He says, "Good night."

"And sleep tight."

"And don't let the bed..."

All right, enough.
Give me that.

"Jack, I have taken
a sleeping pill

because I have
a big lawyer meeting..."

That's what we call them.

"...in the morning.
Floyd."

"Lemon, is that you?"

I always sign it
"Floydster."

Oh, it's Jack.

Don't answer it.

Oh, my God.

Can he see us?

The call is coming
from inside the house.

All right, turn off the lights
and get down.

Jonathan, I want to talk
to Jack right now.

He's at Christie's,
but he left these for you.

What's this?

Tickets for you and Floyd
for tonight's Knicks game.

For me and Floyd?

He tried to drop them off
at your house last night,

but someone pretended
not to be home.

Oh.

This is really nice.

Yes. He seems very taken
with Floyd.

And you, of course.

Are these good seats?

Yeah, it's actually
a private box.

Thank you.

Hey, guys.

Mr. Geiss, I know we disagreed
on my next movie project,

but I hope this will
change your mind.

I give you this.

Ahh, hoe that dirt.

Put your back into it.

Mr. Jefferson,
the British have invaded.

Oh, bring me my horse.

Bring me Caractacus.

You come along.

In a world without hope...

Who are these Americans

with their ridiculous ideas
of freedom and equality?

...one man would declare
his independence...

for us all.

Aah!

He was a writer...

Eat that, King George.

...inventor...

I shall call it "Susan."

...Jungle Fever-Haver.

I am with child.

What?

Will you free me
and make me your wife?

Um, I'm gonna have
to get back to you on that.

Source Award nominee
Tracy Jordan...

Kill them!
Aah! Kill them all!

NAACP lmage Award
presenter Tracy Jordan...

and Academy Award watcher
Tracy Jordan is...

This is for you,
Don Geiss.

...Jefferson.

Christmas 2008.

Get me off this horse.

Well, Mr. Geiss,
what do you think?

Well, Tracy...

that was terrible.

The answer is "no."

Let's talk
about "Fat Bitch 2."

So, I board,
and I sit next to Don Geiss.

And I want to make
a good impression,

so I bought four bottles of
absolutely fantastic champagne.

You're gonna love story.
You told me already.

We're on our way
to Tokyo.

We're out over the ocean,
and the cabin pressure drops.

The masks are coming out
of the ceiling,

and the corks are popping out
of the champagne bottles.

I don't give a damn
about the masks.

I'm on all fours trying to shove
the corks back in the bottles.

And Don Geiss says,
"Now, there's an executive

who knows how to keep
his costs down."

That's great.

Oh.

I'm gonna get more crab cakes.
Liz, you want anything?

No, thanks.

What are you doing?

I'm watching the ballgame
with you and the Floydster.

But...

Don't you kind of feel
like a third wheel, Jack?

No.
Lemon, you're the third wheel.

Excuse me?

It's really quite simple.

Men seek out the company
of other men they admire

and want to be like.

Floyd is me 20 years ago.
I'm Don Geiss 30 years ago.

20 years from now,
Floyd will be me,

I'm gonna be Don Geiss,
and Don Geiss will be dead.

Who thinks like that?

Men do. That's why
you're the third wheel.

Just back off, okay?

Lemon, are you telling me to
stay away from your boyfriend?

Not that I blame you,

because I could take him
away from you if I wanted to.

This is my life, Jack.

I know you're
in a bad spot right now,

but you can't use Floyd
to feel better about yourself.

It's not fair.

All right.

How about some kind of
a time-share arrangement?

You can have him Monday,
Wednesday, and Friday.

I don't want Friday.
We have a show.

Why am I even having
this conversation with you?

Look at your life, Jack.

It's...
It's like this skybox.

It's fancy and it's empty
and it smells like crab cakes.

Get your own Floyd
because this one is taken.

Oh, outstanding.
Thank you.

Sir.

He said, "No."

Then he offered me
$7 million

to reprise my role
as Cocoa the Dog.

ß I'm gonna get
an iPhone ß

ß Everybody's
gonna be jealous ß

No, I turned him down.

It's like a roller-coaster ride
of emotion in here.

Look, Thomas Jefferson
made his own country.

I'm gonna make my own movie,

finance it myself...
all on my terms.

Now, who's with me?

We all are, sir.

Good, good, good.

Your first order
of business...

Get that dead horse
out of my car.

I'm sorry your friend
wasn't pleased with the Stubbs.

Yes, so am I.

You seem very preoccupied.

Well, it's just...

People don't like fireworks
anymore.

Were you aware of that?

And they took away
the Microwave Division.

I'm having terrible
Lemon problems.

I'm eating all the time.

I mean, who eats 16 flautas
after midnight?

Mr. Donaghy.

Jack.

Listen,
if you're still interested,

there is another piece
I'd like to show you...

that you might enjoy.

I'll need to take you back
to the private office.

This piece
is very delicate.

Very few people
have handled it.

Oh, God, I hope we're talking
about the same thing.

May I speak with you?

If this is about the other
night, I am not gonna apologize.

This whole Floyd thing...

No, no, no,
you're absolutely right.

I have to make some changes
in my life, just like you have.

Phoebe and I are...

seeing each other.

Really?

Wow.
That's great.

Now you have a Floydster,
and I have a Floydster.

Well, I don't think Phoebe
would appreciate

being referred to
as a Floydster.

But you like her?
You approve?

Of what?
Of her for me.

Yeah, sure.

Good.

Hello. I'm Phoebe. I don't know
if you remember me, but...

Yes, Phoebe, I remember you.

Hi.

May I ask you something?

Um, Phoebe,
I want you to be my wife.

Wait. What?

Will you marry me?

No.

The ruby-diamond cluster.

I bought it back
from the anonymous Arab.

How romantic.

Ow.

Ow.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Ow.

Careful, my bones.