30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 18 - Fireworks - full transcript

Hey.

Hey.

Wow.
Hot-dog times, huh?

I only eat them
on special occasions.

What's the special occasion?

I decided to eat one.
Fair enough.

You going this way?

Uh, no, I'm going in here,
actually.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

Church on a Tuesday?



But he seems so normal.

I know. Right?

And this is Kenneth,
one of our pages.

Kenneth,
this is Devon Banks,

our vice president
of West Coast News Web content

and theme-park
talent relations.

Hey, Devon,
you better watch out.

Kenneth might take
your job one day.

Or your job, Jack.

Or his job!

Why don't we just, uh...

Devon?
Yeah.

Morning. My notes.

Oh, dude, how can we be wearing
the same outfit?



You saw me leave the apartment
this morning.

I saw you put it on.
I thought it looked nice.

How long are you staying
with me?

Indefinitely.

Liz, I want you to meet
Devon Banks.

He's in from L.A.
Devon, this is Lemon.

Hi, love the show.
Thank you.

Look, I got to go.
Thanks for the tour.

You guys...
You're the real heroes.

They get younger
every year.

These punks who think

they can take down
Jack Donaghy.

You're worried
about that guy?

Banks is in New York
for a reason,

and I intend to send him
back to L.A.

Wow, if this turns
into a showdown,

you guys could settle it

with a
talking-like-this contest.

Banks is no slouch.

He pioneered the concept of
10-second Internet sitcoms.

ß Makin' it happen ß

Honey, I'm home!

Oh, great!

ß We made it ß

I'm sure he's here to dazzle
the old men

with his Webisode ideas,
but I have ideas, too.

Like what?

Something big...

A live television special
with fireworks.

They can do shapes now.

One time I saw
a cowboy hat.

Boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom.

Boy, you're gonna need
more than that, though.

Maybe you're right.
I want you on this, Lemon.

Those jokes you wrote

for my Mitt Romney fundraiser
were topnotch.

Those weren't jokes.

That was an appeal for a return
to common sense and decency.

Well, it got big laughs.

We should do a sketch
about alien abductions.

Like a Lamaze class
in Roswell...

Lamaze-well.

Dude, what's with the ridiculous
hat and glasses?

I'm incognito.

Some dude is trying to slap me
with a subpoena

for a paternity suit,
and the kid ain't mine!

How do you know
it's not your child?

'Cause I remember the girl,
and it's impossible.

I never got out of my car,

and she never got all the way
out of her tollbooth.

Okay. Let's get back
to work, guys.

How about a sketch about
Bill Clinton eating hamburgers?

That stinks.
What is this? 1992?

What do you want from me?
I'm not a comedy writer.

Huh?

Mr. Jordan...

you've been served.

The more I think about it,

the more jazzed I'm getting
about these fireworks.

Maybe don't pitch the fireworks
thing right away.

I'm gonna come up
with a couple other things

I think you'll like better.

Well, what I'm saying is,

that is what we're selling
at the pitch meeting, Lemon...

spectacle.

It's what people want.

The Romans knew it.
Louis Quatorze knew it.

Wolfowitz knows it.

Mr. Donaghy,
as instructed,

I was spying on Mr. Banks.

And there is something
you should know.

So, what team
do you play for?

Oh, it's not really a team.

It's just a bunch of guys
who like doing gymnastics.

You know, I'm gonna be in town
for a little while.

Maybe we could get together.

My, you're friendly.

Good God, Devon is gay.

He's even more powerful
than I thought.

Maybe you should seduce him

and get him to tell you
all his secret plans.

So, Mr. Donaghy,
what can I do for you?

I heard you were talking
to my colleague Devon Banks.

Did he tell you why he was
in New York?

No, sir. We just talked about
Anderson Cooper mostly.

You should get
to know Devon,

tell him all
of your television ideas.

You know, he started off
as a page just like you.

Really? So did I!

You say the right things,
ask him the right questions...

I'm sure he could open
some doors for you.

Okay.
What kinds of questions?

I'll write them down
for you.

You call him, tell him
you got two tickets

for "Chorus Line"
for tonight.

Now, uh, Kenneth,
have you ever used bronzer?

Dr. Spaceman,
when they check my DNA,

will it tell me what diseases
I might get

or help me to remember
my ATM pin code?

Absolutely.

Science is whatever
we want it to be.

I'll let you know as soon as
I have the results.

I already know the results.

The kid is not mine.

Boy, it's crazy to think

we used to settle questions
of paternity

by dunking a woman in water

until she admitted
she made it all up.

Mmm, different time,
the '60s.

But he was going to church

in the middle of the day
on a Tuesday.

What do you think that means?

Well, it means he probably
murdered someone

and found God
while he was in jail.

Maybe he's born-again.
Oh, boy.

We can spend our Saturdays
in Central Park

trying to save
gay rollerbladers.

I just wish people
would tell you immediately

when you meet them,
"Hi, I am so-and-so.

Here is all the weird stuff
about me."

No, that would never work.

If I told my wife
in college,

"Hey, I'm gonna lose
all this beautiful hair

and fart in my sleep
for the next 20 years,"

she never would have
married me.

Love is like an onion,

and you peel away layer
after stinky layer

until you're just...
weeping over the sink.

Is that my sweatshirt?

Hey.

Oh. Sorry.

No, no! Ohh.

And I have an idea for a show
about a teacher named Art.

I call that one
"Art School."

And one about a Jewish guy
who opens an ice-cream parlor.

That one's called
"Ice Cream Cohen."

And a drama
about two cops...

one named Cash
and one named Carrie.

I don't have a title
for that one.

But, then,
also I have some...

Kenneth,
can I offer you a libation?

I have champagne, vodka,
absinthe.

Fruit punch, please!

Right.

If you'll excuse me,

I'll go slip into something
a little more comfortable.

Like in the movies!

So, Mr. Banks...

"What brings you
to New York?"

Oh, just making the rounds.

"What projects are you
working on near/long-term?"

Oh, my, that's an awful
short robe.

I know.
I had to cut it down myself.

Oh, Kenneth.

You know, I was a page.

And when I was in the program,
we'd give each other a hand.

Can you give me a hand,
Kenneth?

For a fellow page,
anything!

Great.

Tell me about Jack Donaghy.

Tracy, I have the results
of your DNA test.

Now, I'm very serious about
doctor/patient confidentiality.

So I'm gonna have to ask

that all four of us
keep this to ourselves.

What's the verdict, Doc?

Good news.

You are not the father
of that child.

Yeah.

However, according
to my DNA database,

you are a direct descendent
of our third president.

Jasper Buckleman?

No, Tracy.

Our third president,
Thomas Jefferson.

Jefferson?
Not possible.

Yeah, that's a white dude.

Yeah, but that guy
was into black chicks.

I'm surprised
I'm not a descendant.

These DNA results show that,
genetically,

you're mostly white.

That's ridiculous.
I can't be white!

My whole persona is based
on an in-depth analysis

of the differences
between black and white.

This is how black people
dial a phone.

Boop-a-doo-boop, ba-doop,
ba-doop, boop, boop.

This is how white people
dial a phone.

Boop, boop, boop...

boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

I got to call my wife.

Boop, boop, boop,
boop, boop, boop, boop.

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Devon, what can I do for you?

I think
we're way past that, Jack.

Let's be honest
with each other.

I'll go first.

I'm gay,
and I want your job.

Devon, I'm straighter
than you are gay,

and I leave particles of guys
like you in my wind.

I'm not afraid of you.

Yeah, well, you should be.

Let's just see how it all
shakes out in the meeting.

Yeah.

Let's.

Oh, by the way,

a little slim-waisted birdy
in a page jacket

told me you got nothing.

You're going down.

No, Devon...

I don't do that.

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no.
Are you kidding me?

You eat too many hot dogs.

Please, I am concerned.

I copy this article on sodium
for you.

Fine. But I will be
reporting this

to the Fox Problem Solvers.

Oh, boy.
What is this, Bible study?

Excuse me a sec.

Hey.
Hi.

I didn't know
you came here.

Oh, well, I haven't been
in a super long time,

but, yeah, my parents used
to make me go every week.

Wow.

Well, welcome back.

Thanks.

You're doing
the right thing.

Go ahead, have a seat.

Okay, everybody,
let's get started.

Hi, my name is Floyd,
and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Floyd.

Hi, Floyd.

Uh, it's been four years
since my last drink,

but I just broke up
with my girlfriend,

so I guess
today I'll be talking

about my issues with women
and trust.

The dishonesty that my dad...

You stayed?!

Pete,
you don't understand.

He was pouring his guts out.

It was like eavesdropping
on somebody else's therapy.

It was great.

Yeah, that's not okay.

I just feel like I've known him
forever now.

You know, I mean,
his father was awful, awful.

And he told this story about
trying to make French toast

for his mom when he was a kid,
and he started crying.

I love him.

Liz, what is your plan here?
What are you gonna do?

You gonna fake
being an alcoholic

for the rest of your life?

I don't know, okay?

One day at a time, Pete.

I'm gonna take it one day
at a time.

I want you to tell me everything
that happened last night.

The curtains open on a group
of chorus-line dreamers

in 1970s leotards.

Stop that.
I'm not talking about the show.

The only reason I sent you to
Banks was to get information.

Why were you telling him
anything?

I'm sorry, sir.

I had to keep talking

just to stop him from putting
his fingers in my mouth.

Kenneth, you are the worst
gay bait ever.

You used me?

For television, Kenneth.

I humiliated you
for television.

Like on "What's Happening!!"
when that man used Rerun

to bootleg that
Doobie Brothers concert.

Exactly.

And I need
to humiliate you again.

I've got a very important
meeting coming up,

and Banks cannot be there.

And you want me
to kill him.

No.

I need you to distract him.

You've got to make sure
he doesn't leave

that hotel room
tomorrow morning.

I'll do it.

Just like Sydney Bristow
on "Alias,"

I'll use my sexuality
as a weapon.

To the wig shop!

Psst, Lemon!

Lemon, it's on.

Banks is gunning for me.

8:00 a. m. Thursday.
Are you ready?

Yeah, I've been working on it
all week.

I don't know what happened
in your life

that caused you to develop
a sense of humor

as a coping mechanism.

Maybe it was some sort of brace
or corrective boot

you wore during childhood.

But in any case,
I'm glad you're on my team.

I can't do this sketch.

What? Why?

Because you can't have
a white dude playing a criminal.

That's a negative portrayal
of my people.

Tracy, you're not white.

I don't know
who I am anymore!

There's been a black man
inside of me for a long time.

Now there's a white guy
up in here, too!

It's like an audience for a
Bobby McFerrin concert in here!

Tracy,
you should be honored

to be a descendant
of Thomas Jefferson.

Of course
you would say that.

You wish you were white.

How dare you?

I happen to know
what it means

to be proud
of one's heritage.

My great-great-great-
grandfather

was one of the few black men

who had achieved an officer's
rank during the Civil War.

This is a picture of him

shaking hands
with Ulysses S. Grant.

Let me see that.

I think he's shaking hands
with Robert E. Lee.

Dude, your relative
fought for the South.

You're related to a black
Confederate officer.

That's messed up.

See?

Now you know
what I'm going through.

You think these other black guys
are his prisoners or what?

Maybe Jack's special could be
based on a holiday.

What's left in April?

Arbor Day, the Boston Marathon,
and Hitler's birthday.

So, you got options.

Mmm.

Hey, Liz?

Hi.
Hey.

Can... Can I talk to you
for a sec?
Yeah.

I'm sorry to do this
at work.

I just wanted to make sure
you're okay.

You weren't
at the meeting today.

Oh! No. I'm okay.

Okay. Good.

I just want to offer
my support.

If you ever need
to talk to someone,

I'd be more than happy to take
you out for coffee.

Do you have time now?

Sure.

Okay.
Oh.

Sorry.
Sorry.

All right, Tracy, I have
the DNA results right here.

Are you ready to find out
who your biological father is?

I think I am.

Tracy...

meet your father, Tom!

No!

I hate you,
Thomas Jefferson!

I don't know
who I am anymore!

You can't be my father!

Hey, Maury, he a dog!
He a dog and a liar!

Sally Hemings just called you
a dog, Thomas Jefferson.

No matter, Maurice.

I'm here for you,
Tracy Jordan.

I rode a horse
all the way from Heaven

to tell you something
important.

America,
which I invented...

...which I invented,

is a great country

because we are not burdened
by our pasts.

Embrace who you are,
Tracy Jordan.

And may the Force
be with you always.

I have never seen so much
come out of one pigeon.

Yeah, I think
it might have been sick.

Or maybe the little guy
ate a cigarette or something.

Hey, do you want
to come over?

My friend Pete is staying
with me,

and we've decided that
we're gonna do this thing

where every night we watch
one of the AFI Top 100 movies.

How many you gone through?

Well, I only have "Star Wars"
and "Tootsie,"

so we just keep watching
those two over and over.

I'm in.

But only 'cause
your friend's there.

Otherwise,
it would be too tempting

for this to turn
into a... a real date.

What do you mean?

Well, obviously,
since we're in the same group,

we can never date.

It's against the rules.

Right, but isn't that
one of those rules like,

"Don't walk
between the subway cars,"

and all the cool people
just do it anyway?

Liz, I need the rules.

The last time I drank,
I ended up doing

a man-on-the-street commercial
for "Tarzan On Ice."

It was awesome.

I mean,
he was swinging on skates,

and the little monkey was funny.

I want to see it again!

Yikes.
Yeah.

And I didn't even see it.

So, all the rules.

Yeah.

But I'll buy the popcorn.

Karate!

Karate!

Karate!

Kenneth,
what are you doing here?

Well, I was
in the neighborhood.

Hmm, do you want me
to dance for you?

Yeah.
That's the business.

Man. Yeah.

Woman: This is
"Traffic On The 2s."

Top deck of
the G. W. Bridge...

Yep.
Touch your belt buckle!

Oh, touch the peacock.

Construction on the Merritt,
causing slowdowns...

Oh, you're a peacock.

The time is now 7:52.

7:52?

You warlock.

You came to entrance me.

Donaghy sent you.

Where the hell is Lemon?

I can't find her.

Hey.
Good morning.

Good morning.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I kind of fell asleep
on your legs.

It's weird,
I've never let anybody

put their head that close
to my feet before.

Um, do you want
some coff... aah!

Oh, boy!

Pins and needles!
Are you all right?

Oh,
both my legs are asleep.

Okay, all right,
here we go.

Come on. Hop up.

There we go.
All right?

Walk it off, scarecrow.

Ah, that was really fun
last night.

I, uh, I think "Tootsie's"
a very well-crafted movie.

Yeah, they use it as an example
in all the screenplay books.

Oh.

Look, I would really love to do
this again some time,

but I... I don't think
it's a good idea.

Floyd,
I'm not an alcoholic!

I lied.

I followed you to that church
because I have a crush on you,

and I let you think
that I belong there.

What?

I know, I know.

It makes me seem just nut-log,
Anne Heche crazy,

but if there's any way
that you could see past it...

No!

No. That...

I said stuff in there that even
my best friends don't know.

I know.

That's supposed to be
a safe place.

I know.

It is extremely not okay
that you did that.

What are you still
doing here?

Don't you have a breakfast
meeting with Jack?

Oh! Oh!

Floyd, I'm sorry,
I have to go!

No, no, no, no. No.
I'm... I'm going.

I feel more confused
and betrayed

than those people
that worked with Tootsie.

Bear with me.
Sorry.

Gentlemen, lady...

if Jack's not ready,

I'd like to tell you about
the future of entertainment.

What am I talking about?

Celebrity snuff reality content

made exclusively
for your mobile phone.

Now, what's that?

MC Lyte just murdered
Danny Bonaduce?

Oh, thanks, phone!

Or...

fireworks.

What?

Banks here wants to make
TV smaller,

but broadcast television
is big.

It's about spectacle,

the kinds of shows
we watched as kids

sitting on our
neighbor's knee...

inaugurations,
the Super Bowl, the Oscars.

That's why we got in to
television in the first place.

That's why I give you...

the "Rockefeller Center
Salute to Fireworks."

Can you get those fireworks
that look like... cowboy hats?

You sure can.

Thank you so much.
I appreciate your patience.

Mr. Donaghy,
Liz Lemon is on the phone.

Don't bother coming in,
Lemon.

You're off the project.
I'll do it without you.

Jack, I'm so sorry.

I told you
about the Flower Guy...

I don't have time for this.

You've made your priorities
clear.

I hope he's worth it.

I found a biography
on your ancestor.

It's called
"Confederate Monster:

The Tobias Spurlock Disaster."

Yo, Toof, how you doing?

Not good.

The barn that
John Wilkes Booth hid in

belonged to Tobais Spurlock.

Well, listen.

Dream Jefferson told me
some amazing stuff.

He said it's not about
who you were.

It's about who you are
right now.

No, Toofer.

Give in to your heritage.

Kill Tracy.

Let me shoot something
at you.

I came up with a movie idea
about all of this,

and I want you to write it.

Okay, what's the movie?

It's the story
of Thomas Jefferson.

Only thing, we gonna do it
like "Norbit,"

where I play all the parts.

That's actually hilarious.

It's not a comedy.

It's a drama.

Oh.

Hi.

I'm really sorry
about what I did,

and I know that you can't
forgive me.

But just to even
things out,

here is all of my weird,
secret stuff.

I have been sexually rejected
by not one,

but two guys who later
went to Clown College.

I get super nervous whenever
I hear a vacuum cleaner

because when I was a kid, my mom
used to turn on the vacuum

to drown out the sound
of her and my dad fighting,

which is why I rarely
vacuum my apartment...

like... never.

I have had three doughnuts
so far today.

Once in college, I pooped
my pants a little bit

at a Country Steaks
all-you-can-eat buffet.

And I didn't leave

until I finished
my second plate of shrimp.

A couple months ago,
I went on a date with my cousin.

Wow, I... I am a mess!

There is an 80% chance
in the next election

that I will tell all my friends
I am voting for Barack Obama,

but I will secretly vote
for John McCain.

Here's one...

when I was a kid, I used
to put on my fanciest nightgown,

and then I would mix orange soda
and cream soda

in a champagne glass,

and I would sit in the dark
and watch "The Love Boat."

Consequently, I have some weird
sexual-fantasy stuff

about Gopher
from "The Love Boat."

And I... lied!

I have had
five doughnuts today.

So, um, that's my deal.

Now we're even.

Liz.

You know, the Roomba is
a nice, quiet alternative

to a vacuum.

Thank you.
That's a...

That's a good tip.

And in the interest
of full disclosure,

I also have a sexual fantasy
about Gopher...

except mine's the one
from "Caddyshack."

Well, that makes sense because
he's a very good dancer.

ß Skyrockets in flight ß

ß Afternoon at night! ß

Oh, boy.

I really should have been
at that meeting.

Welcome to the "Rockefeller
Center Salute To Fireworks."

Now, without further ado,
three hours of fireworks!

Wait, fireworks...
in midtown?

On a day that's not
the 4th of July.

Oh, my God!

Oh, boy. That's gonna scare
a lot of people.

Sir... the mayor.

Shut it down!

Shut it down!

Oh, boy.

Oh, the cowboy hat!