30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 15 - Hard Ball - full transcript

Kenneth becomes part of Tracy's entourage. And, while Kenneth treats Tracy honestly, it turns out that other members of Tracy's entourage have let him win computer and basketball games and even laugh about his jokes, when they are not funny, just to please him. Jenna is voted as one of the funniest women by a magazine and when giving an interview for the magazine gets mis-quoted about the American army troops. This gives her a bad public image. To correct this, she wants to give another interview but it seems as if she has no idea what she is talking about. Jack wants to go into contract negotiations with Josh and while Jack loves it, Liz, who also gets involved in it, hates it. The first meeting turns into a disaster, of course.

Wow, this is an honor.

I am friends
with number four

on Maxim's list
of the sexiest women in comedy.


At first, I was mad that
Jessica Simpson was ahead of me,

but then I saw
"The Dukes of Hazzard"...funny!

What is that, baby oil?

they use salad dressing,

'cause it gets
a better sheen.

Jenna, this is ridiculous.

What does any of this
have to do with comedy?

You're burnt!

Listen, I want to make sure
you're not gonna regret this,

because it's...
it's not just cute guys

that buy these magazines.

It's teenage boys
with weird rashes

and old guys
that live at the "Y."

Liz, posing in Maxim
is a great career move.

There's no shame in it.

I'm laughing, I'm horny.
Let's do this.


Put the chicken
near your mouth.





1... 2...

Well, you look happy.

Somebody just have
a root-beer float?

No, Josh's contract is up,
which means it's time

for my favorite thing
in the world...

the essence of capitalism.

There's nothing like it.

God, I wish
there was somebody

I could negotiate with
right now.

Hey, Jack?

Just a reminder...
I need a couple minutes

to go over breakage today...
how's noon?

Can't do that.
Make it 4:00 a. m.

Oh, that's no good.

What about after rehearsal?

Stop insulting me.
3:00 a. m.

You bring the coffee.

2:30... You bring the coffee.
That's my final.


Wow, you do have a talent.

I can't wait to go
mano a mano with Josh.

Right. I think you mean
"mano a toddler."

Josh is a very sweet,
very dumb kid.

Please go easy on him.

I'll try to
remember that

when you and I
meet with him later.

What, me? No, don't make me
be a part of this.

Lemon, I would like to
teach you something.

I would like to be
Michelle Pfeiffer

to your angry, black kid
who learns that poetry

is just another way to rap.

No, Jack, I don't want to
learn about negotiation.

I just want Josh to stay.
The show needs him.

Lesson number one...
you don't need anyone.

Sure, Josh tests well
with female viewers 12 to 24,

which is important
to advertisers,

because young women will buy
just about anything.

These sunglasses
have a chip in them

that makes the lenses
change color

as my iPod loses power.

But whatever Josh brings
to the show,

he's still replaceable.

He's not replaceable
as my friend.

He's not your friend now.
He's your opponent.

He's going to try to grab
all the marbles,

and it's our job
to hide them.

That's not how you
play marbles, Jack.

But that's
how you keep them.


Remember that e-mail we got
from those Nigerians

that needed our help getting
all that money out of Africa?

We did it!

I got the check today.

Say word.
Word is bond.

I would have been happy
if our only reward

was just helping that
dethroned prince of Nigeria,

but this is great.

We should treat ourselves.

You want to go to Vegas
and buy a bunch of sarcophagi?


I don't even use
the ones I have.

We could add someone else
to the entourage.

That's a good idea.

Yo, what's Young Larry
doing these days?

He's in Jay-Z's

What about Cheese?

He's rolling
with Ghostface Killah now.

Fat Balls?
Studying hotel administration
at Cornell.

Well, go ahead,
Fat Balls.

That's a good program.

Hello, there, Mr. Jordan,
Mr. Slattery, Mr. Griswold.

I picked up your lunch
from Sylvia's.

Extra cornbread,
because I know you like it.

Like it? I love it.

I love this cornbread
so much,

I want to take it behind
a middle school

and get it pregnant.

Pregnant cornbread.

Ken, you like doing stuff
for me, right?

How would you like
to be in my entourage?

Well, that sounds like fun.
What would I do?

Well, let's see. Dot Com does
the driving and the cooking.

Grizz is in charge
of sitting on me

when I get overstimulated.

Well, I have been looking

for someone
to harmonize with me.

ß The sun
will come out... ß

ß Tomorrow ß

ß Bet your bottom dollar
that tomorrow ß

ß Fa-la-la la ß

ß There'll be sun ß

This is
a really special day.

ß Just thinkin' about... ß


Isn't it great?

These are the sexiest women
in comedy?

Where's Jackée?

Jenna, have you read
your interview yet?

Oh, no. Did I come across
as interesting?

'Cause I tried to mention Bono
as much as possible.

No, you come across
as crazy.

Why did you tell the reporter
that you hate the troops?

What? I didn't say
I hate the troops.

"But it's just
a bunch of gay guys

that like to get in silly
costumes and prance around."

No, Liz,
he heard me wrong.

You know that I love
the troops.

Do you remember that Fleet Week
after I broke up with David?

Oh, God, this is bad.

Nobody reads the articles
in these things, right?

Maybe no one
will pick it up?

These Holly-weirdoes
from La-la Land,

like Jenna Moron-ey,
are just un-American.

So we are calling for a boycott
of NBC, General Electric,

and their parent company,

the Sheinhardt Wig Corporation!

Jack, I was misquoted.

This is my fault.

I never should have let her
do Maxim in the first place.

We're going to nip this thing
in the bud.

Jenna is going to make
a public apology tomorrow

on "Hardball."

You know what that is,
don't you?

Should I prepare a song?

I really can't wait
to renegotiate your contract.

Thank you, sir.



Does my vulva
look swollen?

Come here.

I just want to warn you,
as a friend,

about this contract thing.

Jack is gunning for you.

Don't worry.
You're not going anywhere.

Jack said
advertisers love you

because you test great
with women 12 to 24.

Which advertisers?
Could I get free ChocoStix?

Just don't be pushy
about your contract,

and I promise
we will get through this.

Yeah, um...

Alan actually told me not to
talk to anybody about this.

Alan? Who's Alan?

Yeah, a Jacuzzi...
you know, the whole nine yards.

Jack... Jack Donaghy.
Alan Steiner.

Good to see you.
I'm Josh Girard's agent.

Oh, really?

Listen, um, I'd love to grab
a little face time with you,

R. E.
Josh's contract offer.

We've got some serious troubs,
my friend.

We are not smiles times.

I'm sorry
to hear that, Alan.

What's your sched manana?

'Cause this is gonna
be one serious negosh.

My sched is wide-open,

Hasta manana.

ß What a man, what a man,
what a man ß

ß What a mighty good man ß

ß A mighty, mighty good man ß

So, entourage, what's
on the schedule for today?

I have us penciled in
for "Halo."

I love "Halo"!

I love "Halo" so much,

I want to take it out
behind the middle school

and get it pregnant.

Why are you guys
laughing so hard?

That's the same joke
Mr. Jordan said earlier.

I don't think so, "K,"

'cause I like to keep
my material fresh.

I like to keep things fresh
so much

that I want to take it out
behind the middle school

and get it pregnant.

Whoa, who just killed me?
That's never happened before.

I did, Mr. Jordan.
That's impossible.

I've beat all the world's
best players...

Grizz, Dot Com,
my publicist, my stylist.

Oh, well,
I just killed you again.

You're cheating, and I don't
want to play no more!

I hate this!

Grizz, I think it's best
you come sit on me.

And I just want the troops
to kill everyone

and come on home.

Pretty good, but this
is "Hardball," Jenna,

so you might want to
be more specific.

You could say
that you support the troops,

but you feel that the war
was poorly planned

and started
under false pretenses

and that we should have used
those resources

to hunt down
Osama bin Laden.

Liz, I'm just worried
that I'm gonna sound

like I don't know
what I'm talking about.

Hey, would Sharon Stone
worry about that?


Would Richard Gere?


Then you go out there,

and you voice your opinions
like a star.

Okay, what are you gonna do
if they ask you about '08?

Well, of course
I want Hillary

to be the first
woman president.

Ugh, no, Obama.
You support Barack Obama.

Remember, you liked those
pictures of him at the beach?

Oh, right. Obama...
what is he, Hispanic?

No, he's black.
And he's running
for president?

Good luck.

Is this new furniture?

This is
my negotiation set.


Gentlemen, please,
sit down.

All right.

Let's skip the foreplay
and get right to the penetrashe.


Josh is looking
for a 15% raise,

a two-pic guarantee
from Universal,

and time off
for every Jewish holiday,

no matter how ridiculous.

I mean,
Yaznacht is coming up.

That seems pretty reasonable,
right, Jack?

Here's my counteroffer.

One dollar.

Oh, boy.

That's absurd.

You know what's absurd?

These photos I found
of Josh roughhousing

with Lance Bass
at SeaWorld.

We were just being silly.

My offer is now 75 cents.

ticktock, ticktock, ticktock.

It keeps getting lower.
I think we should take it.


Look, Jack,
we know about the testing.

Women from 12 to 24
love my guy.

Who told you that?

Oh, Liz did.
Shut up.

That was
privileged information.

That's what I thought.

Awse. We are back
in the game.

I knew you
weren't ready for a big chair.

Yo, Kenneth.
We need to talk, man.

Oh, I've had
this conversation before.

You're marrying my mom,
aren't you?

No, it's about
how you're treating Tracy.

You're beating him at "Halo,"

you're not laughing
at his jokes.

He's the king around here.
You got to respect that.

Oh, my gosh. I had no idea
I was causing a problem.

Hey, I got next game.

Hold up.

How are you beating
Kenneth, Grizz?

I-I don't know.

If Kenneth can beat me,
and you can beat Kenneth,

then by
the transitive property,

you should beat me, too.

Have you been
letting me win?

Just at some things.

Things?! Plural?!

"What is the world's only
egg-laying mammal?"

The Easter Bunny.

Right again.

That's a green pie piece.

Oh, hey.


Oh, yeah! What, cat?

Yeah, Dot Com!
Yeah, Grizz!

Have you two been treating me
like this all this time,

like a child?

No, no, no.
I won't stand for this.

Entourage disbanded!

Oh, my.

Tucker Carlson, you heard
what Jenna Maroney had to say.

She supports the troops.

Well, here's
a question, Chris.

Why do we care what she thinks
about anything?

This woman strikes me as another

self-involved member
of the Hollywood ignorati.

You know, for someone
who's super, super hot,

you're really cranky.

I have just as much right
to my opinion as you or Chris.

I'm not sure you do.

You've been on this show
for 20 minutes now.

You sang six bars of something
called "Muffin Top"...
Thank you.

...and then told a disgusting
story about Fleet Week.

I guess this is the state
of political discourse

in this country nowadays,
and that's fine.

Let's just embrace it.

Let's have our policies

by former CableACE Award

First, I was great
in that "Arliss."

Second of all,
if the president is so serious

about the war on terror,

why doesn't he hunt down
and capture Barack Obama

before he strikes again?

It's time for a change, America.

That's why I'm voting
for Osama in 2008.

Oh, no comeback?
You're burnt!

Hey, Jack, I was totally
gonna call you.

Which of your massive screw-ups
should we discuss first?

How about
the Jenna situation?

That is taken care of.

I have written an op-ed piece
for The New York Times

under Jenna's name, in which
I put the media on trial.

Here's the plan.

We're gonna take Jenna,
puts some flags behind her,

have her sing a song that rhymes
"USA" with "make them pay,"

dress her
in an eagle costume,

and we're gonna call it
a "Salute the Troops" episode.

Moving on... Josh Girard.

I had him
right where I wanted him

until my partner... Pfft!...
stabbed me in the back.

I didn't mean to do that.
I'm sorry.

I was just trying to
give my friend a heads-up.

I mean, why can't we all
just sit down in normal chairs

and figure this out?

Cerie, is Josh in yet?

Josh isn't coming in today.
He's sick.

He said he was throwing up
all night.

A sick-out. I didn't think
he had it in him.

What are you talking about?

He's faking.

He's gonna stay home
until we give in to his demands.

No, Josh could not come up
with a sneaky plan like that.

He told me he was a pallbearer
at his brother's wedding.

He's probably just sick

because he's stressed out
about his job.

Lemon, what happened
in your childhood

to make you believe
that people are good?

You know what?

If my friendships and my job
are incompatible,

I choose my friends.

And right now, I am going
to get some chicken soup

from Josh's favorite place
and take it to him

and say that I hope
he feels better.

Do you ever get any e-mails
other than from Match. com?

No, no. Don't look at that.

Damn it!

Close, right?
I feel like I'm above the rim.

I can't palm the ball.

Sir, I think
you made a mistake

firing Grizz and Dot Com.

They just wanted to make you
feel better about yourself.

They disrespected me.

But don't you miss them?

You're the only one
I can trust, "K."

You're my whole
entourage now.

Oh, I'm not so sure
I can handle that.

Yes, you can, because
you were honest with me.

I don't need
a couple of yes-men.

I need the truth.

Well, if that's the case,
then you should know

that you're never gonna dunk
this basketball.

Also, that Oscar you have
is made of chocolate.

And that lady

you European-kissed last night
was actually a gentleman.

Okay, that's enough.

Oh, here comes one
right now.

Excuse me.
Do you work for NBC?

Oh, no, I was just passing
through there

on my way to church.

Well, are you interested
in taking back your country?

Am I!

Then join us here tomorrow night
for a protest

against the freedom-hating
Jenna Maroney and "TGS"!

There will be snacks!

I will definitely be there.

A large chicken soup
to go, please.

Jon and I saw your tape...
very, very impressed.

You seem like a perfect match
for "The Daily Show."

We're always looking
for new correspondents.


You stupid turd.

Hey... Liz.

This is...
Yeah, I can guess
who this is.

Are you trying to get on another
show behind my back?

Look, Liz, I'm sorry.
It's just business.

No, it's not business.
I stood up for you.

You were opening for a puppet
when I found you!

How could you betray me
like this?

You know, that's not even
the worst part.

You know
what the worst part is?

You proved
Jack Donaghy right...


And by the way, what kind
of moron calls out sick

and then comes to work
to have a meeting?

I get an NBC discount


I'm a big fan of your show.

I want you to crush Josh.

I want you to crush him.

Mr. Jordan,
Keith called on your cell.

He said they were
at the thing,

and Little Zay
just ended up running.

What did you tell him?

Well, he wanted Dwayne Jr.'s
number, so I gave it to him.

You did what?

Damn it, "K," now I have to hear
from Tanisha's mama

how they both met
at the Twins.

You have to handle
this stuff better.

Mr. Jordan, I don't know
any of these people.

But Grizz would...

Damn it,
turn on the TV for me.

Dot Com set this up.

I don't know how it works.

Television on!


Good, you're here.

Josh and his agent
are on their way up.

Yeah. Then they're
gonna be on their way down.

Um, you know, that was weak,
but you're in the mix.

You're having fun.
I like that.

Make yourselves comfortable.

What are
all these headshots for?

Nothing, just some meetings
we're taking.

And if...

Look, Jack.
I think I should tell you.

Josh has an offer
from "The Daily Show."

Liz mentioned that. I don't
think that's gonna pan out.

What, are you kidding?

What happened?
What did you do to our offer?

I called my friend
Sol Sheinhardt

at our parent company,
Sheinhardt Wigs,

who called his nephew
Morty Sheinhardt,

who called his son
Jon Stewart.

You're burnt!

Let's get down to brass tacks.
Josh can stay.
Thank God!

But no raise, no movies,
and only one Jewish holiday.

What's the one
where they go into the tent?


That's the one.
We got a deal?

I need this money.

I have
a really bad sex addiction.


That's it? I thought you said
we could crush him.

What are you talking about?

I took away everything.
That's a crushing.

No, do more stuff.

You made me look like an idiot.
You have to pay.

Liz, he's not getting
a raise.

Do The Worm!

Do The Worm!

Good Lord, The Worm.
That's so degrading.

Are its origins German?

Uh. Now say five reasons
I'm better than you!

You're smarter than me.

You can beat me
at arm wrestling.

Uh, you read the paper.

Yeah, suck it.
I do read the paper.

You want me
to do anything?
Be a crab.

A crab.

Fight the worm!

Liz, you took to this
like a natural,

more than I ever...

Okay, now, the crab
is getting aroused.

Shut it down.
Shut it down.

ß Small town,
worn fatigues ß

ß Big dreams
and Little Leagues ß

ß Gigantic, star-spangled
fireworks light up the night ß

You know, you actually
did a good job on this.

Why do you sound so surprised?
I love America.

Just because
I think gay dudes

should be allowed
to adopt kids

and we should
all have hybrid cars

doesn't mean
I don't love America.

ß I said America ß

ß She said America ß

ß I said Ameri... ß

And cue the pinwheels.

ß... ca ß

Okay, the pinwheels are lit,
but they're not spinning.

And when they're not spinning,
they look exactly like...


Totally godless suckers.

Or satanists.

Ooh, that's even better.





You got to get me
out of here!
Excuse me.

Get off of me!


ß And I-I-I ß

ß Will always love you ß

ß Fa-la-la la,
fa-la-la la ß

ß Fa-la-la la-la... ß
ß I will always... ß

Wow, Tray, you really saved us
from that crowd, yo.

You sure did, man.
You sure did.

Yeah, of course I did.
I love you guys.

I love you so much,

I'm gonna take you
behind the middle school

and get you pregnant.