30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Source Awards - full transcript

Liz dates an African American man called Steven and when they don't hit it off, he accuses her of racism. Jack tries to mend a feud between Tracy Jordan and rap producer Ridikolus by having the former present the Source awards and the latter endorse his Donaghy wine.


That's a wrap.

Monday's call time... 9:00 A. M.

Good show, Liz Lemon!

You coming
to the after-after party?

We have after-after parties?

Hey!
I'm Steven!

Hi, Sven!
I'm Liz!

Yo, Lemon!

You coming to the
after-after-after party?!

Sure.

I'm Tracy's
new business manager.



He gave me tickets
to see the show.

Oh, cool.

Let's blow this joint!

It's about to turn back
into a taxi dispatch set-up.

You going to the
after-after-after-after party?!

Okay.
Well, let's rock!

212-555...

Don't go, Liz Lemon!

There's still an after-after-
after-after-after party!

I just got to take my kids
to soccer first!

Hey, whose roof is this?

The inaugural vintage.

"Donaghy Estates"?

It's from that vineyard



on the North Fork of Long Island
that I bought.

I told you about that.
No, you didn't.

Oh.

It must have been
Angie Harmon.

Oh, I'm really excited
about this.

After 20 years of working
for big companies,

I finally have my own name
on something.

I know what you mean.

When I was 8, I had my name

on the scoreboard
at a Phillies game.

They spelled it "Lez."

But it was pretty cool.

Well, this would have proved
my mother wrong,

saying that "Donaghy"
is Gaelic for "failure."

What the hell does she know?

She's a Murphy... bunch of
mud farmers and sheep rapists.

Well, congratulations.

Yes.

Mnh!

Oh!

I'm gonna vomit!

What the hell
am I gonna do?!

I've got 10,000 cases
of this crap!

Hey, am I interrupting?

No. Hey, Steven, how are things
going with Tracy?

I'm making progress
on his IRS problems...

You two know each other?

Well, I referred Tracy
to Steven,

who's an executive
vice-president

at the investment firm of
Dewey, Cheatum, & Livingston.

I just swung by to see if
we were still on for tonight.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Good.

See you tonight.

Well, well, well, Lemon!

Steven's a good man.
He's on partner track at Dewey.

And he's a Black.

"A" black?
That is offensive!

No, no.
That's his last name.

Steven Black.

Good family.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Remarkable people,
the Blacks...

musical, very athletic,
not very good swimmers.

Again, I'm talking
about the family.

Black is African-American,
though.

Well,
I don't care about that.

Well, I know that is the type
of thing we tell ourselves,

but, trust me,
when I was dating Condoleezza,

there were
genuine cultural tensions.

I mean,
we would go to the movies,

and she would yell
at the screen.

I don't even notice
those kind of things.

When I leave work at night,

I am just riding on a subway car
full of scary teenage people.

Mr. Jordan, I have a message
for you from a Mr. Ridikolus.

Ridikolus, a hip-hop producer.

Isn't that the guy
that bit Suge Knight?

Yeah, yeah.
He bit Suge Knight.

He held Raven-Symone
over a balcony,

made Rasheed Wallace cry.

Dude is crazy.
I don't want him calling me.

Oh, he didn't call,
Mr. Jordan.

He gave me the message

after I wouldn't let him
into your party the other night.

What?!

I'll call you
when I get inside.

I'm sorry.
This is a private party.

Hold on.
We're with Tracy Jordan.

And Mr. Jordan himself said,

"Don't let no one in
who's not on the list

'cause this mess
is gonna get raw like sushi."

So haters to the left.

Hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's your game, man?

Boggle.

Come on.

But you know what?

You tell Tracy Jordan
that Ridikolus...

"Is gonna eat his family!"

Excuse me, won't you?

ß Oh, my attitude ß

ß I roll my eyes at you ß

Oh, hey.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Who died?

Nobody.
I have a date.

Really? With that guy
that sent you the flowers?

By mistake? No.
That guy has a girlfriend.

Technicality.

Although I did see
Flower Guy recently,

and it was pretty excellent.

Hey, Liz Lemon.

Hey... Workout Flower Guy.

What do you got there?
The old leather pumpkin?

I'm sorry. What?

I was just saying, uh, "You
got the old leather pumpkin?"

Aah!

But he's taken, so I'm gonna
go out with this guy Steven

that I met at the after party.

Oh, that cute black guy?

Why am I the only person that
doesn't care that he's black?

Race is a huge issue
in this country,

according
to Newsweek magazine.

Well, it's 2007.

And some of us
don't have those hang-ups.

And good morning
to you, sir.

Ha.

Lemon, come in.

Tracy, what seems to be
the problem?

"Tracy" who?

You looking at a ghost,
J. D.,

"Dead Man Walking,"
"The Green Mile,"

"Christmas With The Klumps."

Is this about Ridikolus?

Because I think
you're overreacting.

Look, I am old-school.

Growing up,
when you were mad at somebody,

you'd just break-dance at 'em.

I'm talking about break hard,
put it back, pop, pop, pop.

And the gladiators
bring it back down.

Yeah, I'm familiar
with break-dancing, okay.

Worm it out.

Pop, boom!

Now brothers just shoot you!

Oh, d-d...

Mmm.

Look, Ridikolus is
the biggest hip-hop producer

in New York City.

And he was disrespected
at my party!

This may be a great opportunity.

For what?

To unload
some of this awful wine.

Tracy, for years Cristal
was the hip-hop champagne

until the president of Roederer
committed a fateful error.

Cristal has since been
boycotted in the rap community,

creating a vacuum
which could be filled

by Donaghy Estates
Sparkling Wine,

which, according
to this lab report,

"contains no lead and is
not fatal... if swallowed."

Mmm.

If you get rich
off of this stuff,

just take care of my family.

I don't want my kids
to have to go to college.

Tracy, I'm not gonna let
anything happen to you.

You have my word.

To success.

Is that a piece of corn
in there?

So, uh, you like comedy?
Mm-hmm.

Have you heard
of Mark Russell?

Yeah, that's the guy

that plays the ragtime songs
about politics.

Yes!
He's wonderful!

He has this one...

ß You better watch out,
don't make a flap ß

ß 'Cause Hillary's wearing
a Yankees cap ß

Oh, boy.
Are you singing?

Yes.

It's just so funny.

So, how about "Lost"
this season?

Sorry.

I don't own a TV.

Really?
What do you sit and look at?

I have hobbies.

I participate
in Vietnam War re-enactments.

And I take pictures
of interesting doors.

And I spend a lot of free time
blogging about Star Wars.

Oh, really?
You like "Star Wars"?

I love it!

I was Princess Leia,
like, four Halloweens in a row.

Recently.

No, no, no, no, no.

Not the fantasy movie
with the monsters.

I'm talking about the Strategic
Defensive Initiative.

Yeah, we should probably
go ahead and order.

Um...

This porterhouse for two
looks good.

I'm just gonna get a salad.
I really don't care about food.

And yet no brand has emerged

to fill that market gap.

At present,
there is no club drink.

That's where Donaghy Estates
comes in.

Now, as you may have read in
Robert Parker's wine newsletter,

"Donaghy Estates
tastes like the urine of Satan

after a hefty portion
of asparagus."

But isn't that a question
of taste?

Sure, it's about branding.
It's about perception.

Exactly, and
the ideal opportunity

to launch a new drink label

is right around the corner...

the Source Awards.

Well, I'm producing
the Source Awards.

And I would like
Donaghy Estates

to be your corporate sponsor.

You ever had more money
than you can shake a stick at?

Well, pick out a stick

'cause Ridikolus
is gonna be drinking

Donaghy Estates tonight.

Excellent.

Now, I also hope this means
you'll set aside your problem

with my friend Tracy Jordan.

No, I don't think
I can let that go that easy.

What if he makes it up
to you?

Who's hosting
the Source Awards?

What about Tracy?

Hey, Matthew, you want
some juicy office gossip?

They're closing the C-Bank
elevators for maintenance.

That would have been
a great way to shoot Tracy.

Well, maybe next time.

Were you gentlemen
not given visitors' badges?

Or did you all just not feel
like wearing them?

Jack, what's up
with your man?

This is just our Kenneth.
How's it going, Kenneth?

He's very unstable.

Did you get that
at a cane shop?

So, then Zoolander
goes, "Mmm."

Yeah, I've seen the movie.

Yeah, but when you see it
on an airplane,

they take out
all the swears,

and it makes it
so much funnier, I think.

Gracias.

Wow.

This has been so much fun.

We should do this again.

Oh, yeah.

Sure.

The night's young.

We should take
a carriage ride

around the financial district.

Okay. Steven...

You're obviously
a really nice guy.

But I just don't think
we're a good match.

Yeah, I know.
I get it.

It's because I'm black.
What?

I said, "I get it."

You don't like me
because I am black!

Wha...
You think I am racist?!

That is
just nasty, negative...

What did you call me
under your breath?

Nothing!
I am not racist!

I love black men!

I love you!

This is fantastic!

Let's get dessert!

Yeah.
Death By Chocolate!

No, no,
not that kind of chocolate.

Steven played
the race card?

Yes!

What did you do?

What could I do?
I picked up the check.

And I made out with him
a little bit in the taxi.

Maybe if I just hang out with
him four or five more times,

he'll see on his own
that we are a bad match.

Why do you do this
to yourself?

If you don't like him,
end it.

Who cares if he thinks
you're a racist?

I do because I'm not!

Ah!
Thank you, Ah-man-dah.

It's Amanda.

What are you gonna do?

"Tom Cruise,"
'cause that's how Oprah says it.

"To-o-o-o-o-m!"

Tracy, good news.

I think I solved your problem
with Ridikolus.

For real, Jack?!

All you have to do

is agree to host
the Source Awards on Saturday.

The Source Awards?
No! No! No! No! No!

What's the problem?

Death sentence number two.

Shooting people at the
Source Awards is a tradition.

It's like Christmas or shooting
people outside of Hot 97.

Tracy, don't worry.

Ridikolus and I
are in business together.

Now, "in business"
heals all wounds.

Look at our relationship
with Germany or Japan.

Who can even remember
what all the fuss was about?

It's not about Ridikolus.

Who else is gonna be
at this thing?

Well, you're gonna be
sharing the stage with Nas...

No!
He hates me!

We used to date
the same girl!

What about Young Jeezy?

Forget about it.

I called his pit bull
a gaywad on "106 & Park."

That would do it.
The Game.

Nope.
T. I.

Ain't nothin' happening.
Superhead.

No can do.
Fabolous.

Won't do.
Redonkey Kong.

No!
MC Scat Kat.

What?!
Harmonculus.

Mnh-mnh.
Raw Dog.

Hell, no!

Me and his beef go way back!

We were both cast members
on a Nickelodeon show

called
"Ray Ray's Mystery Garage."

ß Brush your teeth ß

ß Brush your teeth ß

ß When it's time for bed,
you got to brush your teeth ß

Cut!

Hey, chump,
you scuffed my sneakers!

Dr. J wears these!

I'm sorry, man.

I'm pretty drunk.

Know what?
I'm gonna eat your family!

Tracy,
if it'll make you feel

any more comfortable, I'd be
happy to loan you a handgun.

What?!

Oh, Mother,
I forgot you were there.

No, he's not taking a gun.

Tracy, just tell them
you can't go.

If I don't go,
Ridikolus is gonna kill me.

If I do go,
someone else is gonna kill me.

See?
It's a Catch-22.

Aah!

He's gonna be there, too.

God!

ß Yo, yo, my G's,
we roll 50 deep in the club ß

ß V. I. P.,
sippin' on Donaghy ß

ß 'Cause I can get raw
and take names ß

ß Just like Lebron James ß

ß And "Donaghy" kinda rhymes
with "party," which is cool ß

This is nasty.

I got to get out of here.

I can't take this no more.

I got to take a break.

I can't drink
any more of this.

My tummy's killing me.

Okay, cut!

Everybody, take five.

Ghostface, you think

you could mention
donaghyestates.com at any point?

Okay, Jack, I'll go get
my rhyming dictionary.

Tracy hasn't returned
any of my calls.

Do we still have a deal,
Jack?

Don't worry.
He'll be there.

What color plane
you want to buy?

Clear...

like Wonder Woman's.

You don't realize
how beautiful a sunset is

till it's the last one
you'll ever see.

Ken!

I'll be gone soon.

But I just wanted you to know

that I've loved being
your mentor.

It's been an honor
having you be my manatee.

Oh.

Mr. Jordan,
I hate seeing you like this.

What can I do to help you?
Nothing, Ken.

I'm just going through
the classic stages of grief...

fear, denial...

horniness, wisdom,
sleepiness...

and now depression.

What about anger?

No!
I don't want to do anger!

You can't make me!

Now, stop it, Mr. Jordan.

You need to take
some of your own advice.

Aren't you the man
who told me

to live every week
like it's Shark Week

and that nothing's impossible
except for dinosaurs?

Don't give up on life, sir.

Wow.

The manatee
has become the Mento.

Wow.

Hey, Steven.

Can I talk to you?

Sure.
I was just gonna call you.

Now, I know you like food.

So I found this really neat
Canadian restaurant

in Times Square.

Look, I need you
to understand something.

I don't want
to go out with you.

And it has nothing to do
with your race.

Okay.

Steven, listen to me, okay?

And please believe
what I'm saying.

I truly don't like you...
as a person.

Can't one human being
not like another human being?

Can't we all
just not get along?

Liz, I wish
it could be like that.

And maybe someday our children
or our children's children

will hate each other
like that.

But it just doesn't work
that way today.

So, what you're saying

is any woman that
doesn't like you is racist?

No!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Some women are gay.

Okay, how racist is this?

I'm going to the Source Awards
tomorrow night.

Well, let me get on the
black phone and call the NAACP

so they can just send you
your medal right now.

You know what?
You're going with me as my date.

And you will see that
we don't get along as people.

Yeah?
Will there be a gift bag?

Probably.

You can have everything
in it...

...because I collect
tote bags.

Tracy,
do you think I'm racist?

No.

I think you like to dress
black men up as Oprah

as part of your effort
to protect our dignity.

Oh, yeah,
when you do that impression,

don't forget to stretch
everything out.

We've got
John Travolta-a-a-a!

Tracy, buddy, you've got to do
this Source Awards thing.

No, I don't.
Why not?

I haven't given up
on life yet.

I have a plan.

What plan?

I'm gonna find a homeless man,
dress him up like me,

set him on fire,

then I'm gonna start
a brand-new life in Arizona

under the new name
"Ron Mexico."

We're not doing that.

Look, I need you
to do me this favor.

I know you're nervous.

Why don't we go down
to the pistol range,

squeeze off a few rounds,
let the guns do the worrying?

Again with the guns!
What is it with men and guns?!

I think I speak
for the both of us when I say,

"'Cause they're metal penises."

Yeah, well, you can't solve
all your problems

by shooting someone
or setting a stranger on fire.

Would Oprah do that?

Lemon does make
a good point, Tracy.

What would Oprah do?

Would she run away
from her community?

Or would she face
her problems head-on

and try to make a difference
at the Source Awards?

What would I do, Tracy?

What would I do-o-o-o-o?

Welcome to
the 2007 Source Awards!

That's great news.
Thank you so much.

That was the lab.

The monkey died of natural
causes, so we're in the clear.

It's great doing business
with you, Jack.

You, too, Ridikolus.

Call me Gerald.

Oh.

The choice to be excellent

begins with the choice
to silence your inner critic.

Embrace your spirit!

What was that?

Oprah.

It was the only way
we could get him to come.

You're all wonders.

You're all my miracles.

You're all
my children of the corn!

Hi.
Good for you!

Good for you!

Thank you.

He's channeling Oprah.

Why?
Because he's articulate?

There is something about you
that I just don't like.

Yeah.

Hey, can you put my phone
in your purse for me?

I don't want to drop it
when I start krumping.

Oh, why do guys
always do this?

Bring your own purse!

I'm gonna get food.

Here you go!
Another case of D. E.

I actually tried some before.

It tasted real good, but it made
my tongue turn white.

Hey, do I look sweet
to you?

Do I look like sugar?
Back away!

He's harmless.

Don't be ridiculous.

I am Ridikolus.

And you better be glad
that Jack Donaghy has your back.

Well, I... got your nose!

Jay, go get my nose back.

Ladies and gentlemen,
your host, Mr. Tracy Jordan.

Welcome
to the 2007 Source Awards,

our chance to come together
as a community

to not only look
into our hearts,

but to look under our seats,

because everyone is getting
Vermont maple sco-o-o-o-nes!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.
Coming through.

Aw, man, you did not
just scuff these shoes.

P. Diddy wears these.

Oh, will he be mad
when you give them back?

Son, to have you, your moms
must have been so stupid

she thinks Grape-Nuts
is an STD.

Well, sir, your mother
must not have raised you right

'cause you're not saying
very nice things.

Girlfriend,
Oprah was right!

People just want to be together
and get free stuff!

I didn't really have
to bring this.

Oh, my God, Tracy!

How do you get the bullets
out of this thing?

Hey! My pants!

I was looking for my phone
in your purse!

I wasn't trying to steal
anything, you racist!

Keep...
It was an accident!

Good God, Lemon,
you shot a Black!

Aw, man.

No, no, no, it's cool.
That's his last name.

You got to be kidding me,
Donaghy.

First Mr. Furley here
disrespects me,

and then she shoots
my business manager?

I got blood on my tote.

He's got blood on his tote!

You're making a mockery
of the Source Awards!

Wait till I tell Tupac
about this.

Uh... uh...

I didn't hear anything.

Good.
Get him out of here!

My bad!