30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 14 - The C Word - full transcript

Under pressure from deadlines, Liz's caustic wit is unleashed on her writing staff. Later she overhears them discussing her and is so upset that she first wants to fire one of them, then decides to reform her behavior and become a "nice" boss. Meanwhile Jack takes Tracy to a celebrity golf tournament so he can impress a billionaire whose children idolize Tracy; but the ploy backfires when Tracy feels like a token black among a sea of white faces.

Come on in, Tracy.

Yo, is this about
that little redheaded intern?

'Cause she asked me
to take it out.

No, no, no.

I wanted to invite you
to join me

at a charity golf tourney
that Don Geiss is hosting

at his country club
in Old Saybrook.

I'm not familiar with about
half the words in that sentence.

How about you come with me
to a big party in Connecticut

and meet Don Geiss?

Is that the gay guy
from "Project Runway"?


He's the C. E.O.
of this corporation...

the big man.

The dude from my checks?

The dude from your checks,

and a good person
for you to know.

A'ight, sure.
Thanks for inviting me.

Oh, hey, false alarm.

It turns out she asked him
to take it out.

Oh, hey.

I see you in CT,
Jackie D.

What's that about?

I've invited him
to join me

at a G. E. charity golf
tournament in Connecticut.

Was Courtney Love
not available?

Liz, all the VPs will be angling
to golf with Don Geiss,

but my partner
will be Tracy Jordan,

his grandchildren's
favorite movie star.

Geiss will absolutely choose us,
and that's a big deal

because being in a foursome
with this man

can change your life.

You might want
to rephrase that.

Golf with Geiss
means four hours of face time

with a man you normally only get
20 minutes with.

Which one is Geiss again...
the bald one?


That one.

Where did that come from?

Painted it myself.

Wow, that's really good.

You want one?
Consider it done.

All right, thanks.

ß Simply the best ß

ß Mmm, mmm, mmm ß

Did anybody see Condoleezza
on "Meet the Press" yesterday?

She always sounds
so terrified.

She's always like,

"The president
has a plan for Iran,

and we are currently
adhering to that plan."

Hey, Frank, wake up.

You're not allowed to sleep
through the topical meeting.

Dude, I'm exhausted.

I stayed up all night watching
a "Designing Women" marathon.

Oh, my God.
Me too.

Yeah, at first I hated it,
and then I liked it,

and then I hated it again,
and then I got horny,

and then I fell asleep.

Yeah, well, focus up.
We have a lot of work to do.

Lutz, not while
we're working.

? Quién me dio esto?

Oh, I'm sorry, Teresa.
Oh, God.

Sorry, sorry, sí.

Okay maybe something
about the midterm elections?

Hey, what about my
"Dancing With the Hobos" sketch?

I didn't like it
two weeks ago

when it was called
"America's Next Top Hobo,"

and I didn't like it
a month ago

when it was called
"Hobo Eye for the Straight Guy."

"Deal Or No Hobo?"

Hey, Lutz, why don't
you approach your job

with the same creativity
and excitement you have

for all-you-can-eat


Okay, the van
to take you up to Connecticut

will be leaving at noon,

and once you get up
to the golf course,

you'll be working in pairs.

So, Tim and Shyla,
Amy and Becca,

Kenneth and Grace,
and Eric and Pat.

Okay, have fun.
Don't get drunk.

Buddy up.

Mr. Hornberger?

Grace and I
cannot work together.
Why not?

We have a past...
a romantic past.

Well, Grace, it's been
a pleasure talking to you.

Grace Park, you know
this can't happen.

We're pages.

I just don't want to
disgrace the peacock.

Oh, Kenneth.

If you're worried
about disgracing

the National Broadcasting

you're too late.

Look, Grace,

this is obviously incredibly
awkward for both of us,

but let's just try
to be professional.

Your peacock earrings look nice.
Doggone it, Grace.

I just don't know myself
around you.

Hello, gentlemen.

Welcome to the 9th Annual Cure
Diabetes Now Golf Tournament.

Has Don Geiss arrived yet?

No, sir, but if you'd like,
we could work out a signal

so I could let you know
when he does arrive.


That won't be necessary.

I'll probably just do it,

That cold open
you guys wrote last night

came out really good.

Oh, thanks.
It was like pulling teeth.

They're so lazy sometimes,
especially Lutz.

Good job whipping him
into shape.

That thing
is really smart.

Now, when Dennis Hastert

should that be live
or prerecorded?

Live, live... It has to be live
for the timing.

I thought so, too.

Look at these guys.

Yeah, they like you.

They're very good

at sensing debilitating
loneliness in a person.

Maybe you want to
adopt one.

Oh, I can't. I'm allergic
to anything warm and adorable.

I'm sick of it.

I'm doing my job,
and she just shoots me down

in front of everybody.

I don't care if she's the boss.
Liz is a Grade-A...


This kitten... he's such a runt.

I'm gonna name you "Runty."

You're such a little
raging little runt.

Come on, Runty. Come on.

Jack, how are you?

Ted, Amanda,
so nice to see you.

This is Tracy Jordan.

Ted here is the head of our
commercial aviation division.

You need to hook me up
with one of them helicopters.

Absolutely. I'd be happy to
arrange for you to take a ride.

Nah, I don't want to
get in it.

I want to blow it up and
run away from it in slow motion.

to have met you.

Damn straight.
I'm delightful.

You're doing great.
Everybody loves you.

In season 5, when Delta
was really packing it on...


We need to fire Lutz.

What? Why?
What happened?

He called me
the worst name ever.

What did he call you?

I'm not gonna repeat it.
That's how much I hate it.

Fat can?

Mouth hooker?

Monster bitch.
Hatchet face.

No! It...

The one that rhymes

with the name of your favorite
Todd Rundgren album.

It rhymes with
"Hermit of Mink Hollow"?


Oh. Oh, boy.

Well, you know, he was probably
just blowing off steam.

You can't fire a guy
for cursing.

I'm not upset by cursing.

I love cursing.
I love it.

But this word
is not acceptable

because there's nothing
you can call a guy back.

There is no male equivalent
to this word.

Well, why don't we
come up with one,

and then you can
call him that?

Like, um, "muncus."


I'm serious, you guys.

You're just
in reaction right now.

You need to just
take a few hours and calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down,
you fungdark.

Yeah, you're right.
It doesn't work.

I don't know. I think Liz
is right about this.

Lutz has been
totally slacking off

since his grandma died.

Why didn't you guys tell me?

I thought you knew
and you were just being a...

you know, that word
Lutz called you.

Wait. Are you saying
that I am like that sometimes?


And they thought my sister
couldn't even have a baby,

so she's really excited.

Oh, he's adorable.

Okay, we're at the bottom
of page 2.

Hey, look, everybody.

Sherlock Homo is here to solve
the case of the gay sweater.

I'm telling you, guys.

Watching that isn't gonna
get us out of here any faster.

Oh, my God. I am.

I'm a total...

Runt! Runt!

I lost my kitten.

Has anyone seen my runt?

Runt! Runt!

Bringing Tracy Jordan
was a smart move, Jack.

He's the hit of the party.

You got that right,
my friend.

Tomorrow I'm gonna be
in an intense 6-hour foursome

with three other men, and
one of them will be Don Geiss,

and he's gonna get
all my attention,

and you're just gonna
sit back and watch.

Excuse me.

You know the army
be messing with the sun.

That's why I keep
my junk covered.

Once that stuff
get in your hang, you're done.

Would you excuse us
for a moment, please?

What's going on?
It's game time.

Jack, you handsome
son of a gun!

This guy gets younger
every time I see him!

No, you're the one.

Oh, hair like a Viking.
God bless you.

Don, I want you to meet
my friend Tracy Jordan.

Tracy Jordan?
God, this is exciting.

My grandchildren
just love your movies.

Thank you so much
for being here

and supporting
diabetes research.

Hey, I feel you. Messed-up sugar
runs in my family, too.

So, how's your short game?

We'll find out tomorrow.

This guy spends
so much time in the sand

that his nickname
should be "Fallujah."

That's humorous.

Hey, how come you don't hire
more black people around here?

Beg your pardon?

How come there's
no black people here?

Black people
can't make light bulbs?

No, actually, we have an
award-winning diversity program.

How come it's just me
and Carlton over there?

I believe Tracy's
referring to Carlton,

the straitlaced brother
from "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,"

1990 through 1996, on NBC.

Are we having fun or what?

My associate's name
is Francis Callier,

and he's a lawyer.

Excuse me.

So, what time does this
golf thing kick off tomorrow?

It doesn't matter now,

We're not in Geiss' foursome,
thanks to you.

What? I can't help it
if he got mad.

You know me. I'm gonna say
what's on my mind, Jack.

No, not in here,
you don't.

I wanted you
to entertain these people,

not publicly humiliate them.

I'm supposed to just be
a funny black man

who says funny things.

No, I wanted you
to discuss

your astounding
medical breakthroughs.

Okay, uh, bartender, could you
bring me a Mustang Melon

and a bag
of barbecue potato chips?

'Cause apparently I'm only here
to be a stereotype.

Could you keep
your voice down, please?

You're embarrassing yourself.

No, I'm not embarrassing myself.
I'm embarrassing you.

And guess what, Jack.
I'm just getting started.

Son, I wasn't joking
about those chips.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey.

What do you want to do
about Lutz?

Should I call him
into my office?

I think we should wait
on that.

Really? Okay.
What you got?

Aha. I made something
for the writers.


No, it's two dozen

with melted mini candy bars
in the middle.

Mmm. Oh, I get it.

You're trying to be nice now
'cause of what Lutz said.

No, I'm not trying
to be nice. I am nice.

I'm a nice person, you bald,

I'm gonna try harder.
I'm gonna try to be nice.

I sure hope Mr. Jack
plays his game good today.

Otherwise, he whups my ass
right well when we get home.

Ain't that right,
Mr. Jack?

You know, Ted, Kenneth here

is one of our most promising
young pages.

He knows everything there is
to know about the business.

I studied TV theory at
Kentucky Mountain Bible College.

I studied fried chicken
at the school of hard knocks.

Ain't that right,
Mr. Jack?

You still here?

I'm ridiculous.
I'm black.

I may even be ugly.

But, thank God, I'm here!

I'm here, and nothing but them
can keep me from it!

Oh, oh, I'm so sorry, Liz.

I'm so sorry.
I thought I turned it off.

No, Toofer.
Take the call.

Come on.
This isn't Hitler's bunker.

That would make me Hitler.

What? This is the new me.
Do you like the new me?

And before you answer...
Super Balls!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, awesome!

What a fun boss
you have, right?

Would you like me
to do a tap dance

for you and your big-time
friends, Mr. Jack?

Or I could run around
while y'all throw rocks at me.

Kenneth, play this hole for me,
would you?

Come with me.

What are you doing?


The way you treated me.
You used me.

God, it's like dating
Katie Couric all over again.

I didn't use you.

I created a situation

that could have been
mutually beneficial,
and you blew it.

If you can't handle
Tracy Jordan,

don't invite Tracy Jordan.

This is what I do.
I drop truth bombs.

I don't care about Don Geiss.
I'm a movie star!

Oh, my.

No, no.
You were a movie star.

You haven't gotten
a movie made in over two years,

and you know why?

Because of your truth bombs.
Remind me, Tracy.

What did you tell the president
of Warner Brothers?

I told him
he could suck it.
And the president

Told her she could
kiss my delicious ass.

And how's that working
for you?

Yeah, I thought so.

Hey, why don't you
play the game with me?

Like it or not,
guys like Geiss run everything,

including movie studios,

and we could be
playing golf with him
right now instead of Ted,

who's best known
for getting caught

using a corporate credit card
at a gay strip club!

I'm sorry, Amanda. You were
bound to find out, eventually.

Where is everybody?

Oh, they all had
personal problems

they had to take care of.

Go, go.

If I thought I'd left
my coffee maker on,

I wouldn't be able
to focus, either.

No, no, I get it.

Everyone should see "Mamma Mia!"
before it closes.

What kind of sinus stuff?

I'm just having
some weird sinus stuff.

Okay, go home.

And then I sent Lutz and Frank
out to get us some pizzas,

and they never came back.

So you're finishing up
everyone's rewrites by yourself?

That's not right.

Yes, but at least I know
that nobody hates me today.

You think Jack Donaghy
sits up there

and worries if people
are saying bad things about him?

It's different for women.
I don't think it is.

Sometimes people hate
their bosses. Big deal.

But you got to stick up
for yourself.

Because if you don't,
they'll take advantage of you.

Oh, hey.
Could I borrow 60 bucks?

I'm going to meet
Frank and Lutz at Scores.

So I founded

the Don Geiss Diabetes
Research Foundation,

which is why
you're all here tonight.

Gwen and I really hope

you'll be as generous
with your checkbooks

as you were on the links today
with your scorekeeping.

Thank you.

What's he doing?

Excuse me.

I know I wasn't asked
to say anything,

but I would like to share
my experience with you.

When my daughter Shahita
was born,

she had chubby arms and legs
and a big, bald head.

I mean, she looked like
my Uncle Rupert in a diaper.

By the time she was 5,
she was 87 pounds.

I mean, she could eat.

But then when she was
around 8 years old,

I remember it was Easter.

We stayed up all night
the night before,

watching Bible movies
and eating Fiddle Faddle.

But I remember the next day,
it was Easter Sunday.

She threw up right in the middle
of the Jaguar dealership.

She was mad sick.

And I carried her all the way
to St. Luke's-Roosevelt.

And the doctor said
she had diabetes.

I get very upset because
I think I was the cause of that

due to my ignorance
of nutrition.

And I promised Sha that night

that I was gonna dedicate
all my efforts

to raise awareness...

and finding a cure.

And I just hope
that all of you will join me.

Thank you.

Record donations.

I can't thank you enough.

Jack, I'm gonna be
on the Vineyard next month.

I want you and Tracy
to come up,

and we'll talk about getting you
back in the movie business.

I'll set that up, sir.

bring your daughter.

That's a deal.

Thanks again, gents.

Congratulations, Tracy, and
welcome to the grown-up world.

I don't have a daughter.

Let's have a casting session
on Monday.


there is something
that I must say to you,

but my words
cannot suffice.

So to quote
Mr. Jerry Maguire...

"You make me
a complete person."

When you said "hello,"
you had me.

My wife needs her sweater.


Yes, sir!

You're watching the
"Designing Women" marathon

on Nick@Night.

Sir, you may be right.

I may not be capable of
understanding normal thinking,

because I think a woman
is just as powerful as a man.

And until
you learn to respect me,

you had better learn
to stay out of my way

'cause this is my house.

This is my house.

Staying up all night
rewriting "The Amazing Hobo."

Oh, you fat nerd.

Good morning, Lemon.

Hey, Jack.
Come on!

You stay up all night?

How can you tell?

This is the men's room.


Did you win
your golf parade?

Even better.

Next weekend,
Tracy and I

are going to double-team
Don Geiss with our big ideas.

Oh, you're so weird.

Now, get out of here.
I have to yell at my staff.

Because I am not just feminine.
I also can project my power.

Hey, it's Nancy McKeon's
birthday today.

Oh, that's cool.

Didn't you bake us

Hey, I thought you were
gonna bring snickerdoodles in.

That's the only reason
I showed up.

I mean, you can't
promise snickerdoodles

and then not bring any.

That's not cool.

Listen up, everybody.

Listen to me! Listen!

Shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh.

There will be
no more baked goods,

no more walking
all over me.

I was here all night
doing your work,

but at 3:30 this morning,

I happened to see this episode
of "Designing Women."

And when it came on again
at 5:30, I taped it.

And I want you all
to watch very closely

because it sums up so perfectly
what I want to say to you.

What do I hit..."Input"?

Is there
a "TV/VCR" button?

What is "Aux"?

Hey, can I go now?

Hang on.
I want your full attention!

Why is it making
that noise?




Okay, never mind.

But I want to say something
to all of you.

I am the boss here,

and sometimes
that's gonna make me unpopular.

But the point is,

I know
what you called me, Lutz.


I'm sorry
that I said that.

Please don't make me
move back to Alaska, Liz.

I hate it there.

You can stay.

But if you ever...

if any of you ever call me
that horrible word again,

I will fire you,

and you will never alter drapes
in Atlanta again,

because you do not cross
a Sugarbaker woman!

I'm so tired.

I'm so tired, you guys.

All right, champ.

It's nani time.