30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 12 - Black Tie - full transcript

Jack asks Liz to accompany him to a very classy event, which leads to the assumption that this will be a date. Jack first tells her it is not a date until they meet his ex-wife at the party and Jack introduces Liz as his girlfriend. Jenna sneaks herself into the party, because she wants to meet the Austrian Highness, whose birthday is celebrated at the party. Tracy uses the NBC office as a party spot and invites some female dancers over. One of the dancers tries to seduce Pete into cheating on his wife and he even thinks about doing so. Kenneth tries to stop him.

Okay, round two.
Josh, you're up.

What do you got?

Check it out.

Yo' mama is so stupid,

she thinks an iMac is
a new hamburger at McDonald's.

Not bad.

Okay. I got it.
I got it. I got it.

What's the difference between
yo' mama and a washing machine?

When I drop a load
in the washing machine,

it doesn't follow me around
for a week.

Lemon, could I speak with you
alone for a moment?

That's what your sister
asked me last night.


Uh, right this way.

Uh, my friend
Gerhardt Hapsburg

is throwing a birthday party
for himself

at the Pierre tonight.

You want me to think of
something funny

you can write in a card?

I want you to come
with me.


Who's Gerhardt Hapsburg?

Prince Gerhardt
is the last male descendant

of the imperial house
of Hapsburg.

They ruled
the Austro-Hungarian Empire,

The Defenestration
of Prague.

Uh, Lemon, what exactly
did you study in college?

Theatre tech.
I see.

I'm inviting you to
the social event of the season.

I don't know, Jack.

Would I have to wear
high-heel shoes?


This will be good for you.

You finally got Dennis
out of your life.

You're even wearing

They're just really chapped.

I'll have the wardrobe
department pull a dress for you.

I just thought maybe you'd like
to spend some time with a, um...

...different class
of people.

Okay, fine. I'll do it.
But I'm not gonna like it.

That's what your mom
said to me last night.


You got slammed, girl.
That was surprising.

Yes, dear.

Oh, boy. Who's crying?
Is it Caleb?

What's up, Pete?

Okay, I'll try.


wants you to aim your pee-pee

at the potty.

No, not at Mommy.
At the potty.

How is that
Elmo's fault?

Did Mommy have some wine
before she called Elmo?



Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete.
Where's your spinal cord, son?

What? No, it's just my wife
is visiting her folks.

And she's a little
stressed out.

Yeah, it seems like
you got yourself a Delilah.

A what?

Pete, there are two types
of women in this world...

one who gives you strength

and one who takes strength
from you,

like Delilah took strength
from Samson in that movie.

My wife gives me strength.
Makes me feel like a man.

That's why
she's so special.

I actually haven't met
your wife yet. Hi.

That ain't my wife.
Go get me a fizzy water.

It's like this, Pete.

I love my wife.
I love her.

We're a team.

That's why eight times a week
I go to the strip club.

It gives me energy,
which I bring back to her.

And your wife
doesn't get jealous?

She likes it.

Makes me feel strong,
like a Samson.


Great shoving,
Mr. Jordan.

What's that for?

I'm going to a birthday party
for some prince tonight.

You mean like a dog
birthday party?

That's better.

Uh, no.
He's a real European prince.

Gerhardt Hapsburg?

You have to take me with you.

Liz, it's always been my dream
to meet and marry a prince,

like a modern-day
Cinderella story.

Hey, maybe I'm Cinderella
this time.

No, Liz.
Cinderella is blond.

You can be Snow White and party
with the little people.

Oh, take me.

I can't take you.

I'm only getting in
because Donaghy is taking me.

Wait. You're gonna be
Jack Donaghy's date?

No, it's not a date.



I, uh, got you
a little something.

Oh, my...

That really hurt my hand!

Who does that?!

I'm sorry.

Our car will be downstairs
at 7:00.

Would you make sure
that she gets this?

Oh, yes.


This is definitely
a date.


Is it?

I didn't know
I was coming to this tonight.

Don't apologize.
You look great.

May I?

Uh, I got it.


Thank you so much.

Let's see. Um...

To us.

Is this a date?


Lemon, I date socialites
and models and actresses,

Liz Hurley...
in the '90s.

My mistake.

I think it's so funny
that you thought that.

Hi, Jack.
Maybe I'll see you later.

I hope so.




The two of them.

This guy coming up on my left,
his daughter this summer.

Wes, good to see you.

Pete Hornberger, tonight
is the night we celebrate

our bodies and our minds.

Hit it!

ß Whoo ß

ß Whoo ß

ß Whoa! ß

ß Who's got it? ß

Oh, hello.

How did you get in here?

Oh, Liz, If you dress well
and enter with confidence,

you can get in anywhere.

You showed the security guy
your boobs, didn't you?

Just one.
It's not the White House.

Um, chocatini, please.

You were dead wrong about this
being a date, by the way.

I just made a complete ass
out of myself in front of Jack.

Oh, I'm sorry.

When I'm the queen of Australia,
I'll have him executed.

That's what I said.

Ladies und gentlemen,

may I present
His Royal Highness.

The Duke of Thuringia,

Earl of the duchy
of Westphalia,

Prince Gerhardt Messerschmitt
Rammstein Von Hap!

Thank you.

Thank you all, dear friends...

for coming to my birthday!

Who's Snow White now?

and I'm still awake.

That Gerhardt is amazing,
isn't he?

Most people in his situation
would be angry with their family

for the centuries of inbreeding,
but not Gerhardt.

He's too busy trying to
stave off infection.

Oh, my God.

What is she doing here?


My ex-wife.

Oh, I forgot.
You were married.

She's gorgeous.

And surprisingly

Damn it.
I was told she was in Paris.

Party of the year,

that woman turns up,
and I'm all alone.




It's been a while.
You look good.

Thank you.

Do you remember my fiancé,
Vincent Foley?

Yes, of course.

Uh, this is my
live-in girlfriend, Lemon.


Elizabeth... Lemon.

Nice to meet you.

And how did you two meet?

It was part of the Big Brother
Little Sister program.

Congratulations, John.

She's much sharper
than the last girl you had.

What was her name?

And unlike the rest
of Jack's girlfriends,

I have all
my original parts.

Oh, hang on to this one,

She's a keeper.

Mmm, yeah.
I'm a keeper.

So now it's a date?

I thought I could never be
your date, Jack.

I thought no one
would ever believe it

because I'm so grotesque.

Thank you
for not embarrassing me.

Excuse me, miss.

But, uh, his highness
has noticed you.

Who? Gerhardt?

His highness is quite taken

und invites you
to dine next to him.

Oh, wow.

That's... flattering.

Are you sure
that he meant me?

His highness is attempting
to wink at you.


There you are.
I need your help.

I've been asked to dine
with His Majesty.

If you're looking to sneak out
the window, it doesn't open.

I already tried it.

Should I say
I'm still a virgin?

Wait. You're actually
considering this?

Of course
I'm considering it.

You know I've always reminded
myself of Grace Kelly.

I'm not gonna be gorgeous

Who knows how long
this show will last.

And I have no other skills

I need to find someone
who can take care of me.

Yeah, I don't think Gerhardt
can take care of you.

And I can get past
someone's looks.

Since when?

I'm an actress, Liz.

It would be my greatest role
of all time.

You've already made up your mind
about this, haven't you?

Oh, you're right, Liz.
I should go for it.

You're not even listening,
are you? Poop. Monkey butt.

No, you're a good friend.

And thank you.

ß Who's got it? ß

You enjoying yourself, Pete?


Actually, Tracy, I'm trying to
get some work done here.

Hey, Supersize,
take care of that dude.

That there's my friend.

He saved my life
when we was in Desert Storm.

Our tank broke down.

He killed 14 Germans so we could
get the hell out of there.


No, actually,
I'm just a producer on...

on Tracy's show.

You're a producer?


I'm an actress.

Oh, yeah?

Have you ever seen the movie
"Secret Touchings"?

I was a scientist
in that.

No, I'm not familiar
with that.

Your name sounds Jewish.

You must be important.


Well, I just...
You know, I run the show.

Mmm. Okay.

Mr. Hornberger.

This is shocking.

Mind your business, son!

He's embracing his power.

Are you gonna
come sit down?

They put out lobster tails,
and I want to eat yours.

Isn't she beautiful?

What happened there?

I just couldn't
keep up with her.

On any level.

it was a different party,

a different charity event
every night.

I had to keep my tuxedo
in my glove compartment.


she wanted it four or five times
a day, always standing up.

Standing up. What?
How does that even work?

You're kidding, right?


She left me, Lemon.

'Cause I was never enough
for her.

So now I keep it simple.

Nothing but endless,
meaningless one-night stands

with a carousel
of super-hot women

I couldn't care less about.

That's heartbreaking.

And her. She just keeps
getting better.

She's lost weight.
She cut her hair.

Look at her over there,
taunting me.

Seeing her so happy and normal
makes me crazy.

Hey, you've got to move on,

Is she coming over here?

If she comes over here,
I'm gonna do something.

Okay, come on.
Let's go. Let's go dance.

No, no, no.

Yeah. Come on.
It's a fast song.

Okay. Easy there, Jackie Chan.
Yeah. Be careful.

That tickles.

Oh, my dear Jenna.

You are exquisite!

Uh, Gerhardt,
would you like to dance?

Sadly, because my body

does not produce joint fluid,
I cannot.

But I would enjoy watching you
dance for me.









Twirl again!

Keep twirling!

Everyone thinks I'm 5'5",
but I'm only 5'4".

That is an amazing story!


What are you doing?
You are a married man.

Hey, I'm not doing
anything wrong.

I'm just dancing, Kenneth.

Do you remember
the movie "Footloose,"

where those evil kids won
in the end?

You're going to make
a mistake tonight.

You gonna make a mistake

Remember the vows you and
your wife took in that church.

Botanical garden.
Botanical garden.

You promised fidelity.

Lick her face.
Think of God.

Look, both of you,
calm down.

I'm just trying to have
some fun

for the first time
in like 10 years.

Ladies und gentlemen,
if you will please

direct your attention
to the center of the room,

it is now time for the cake.

You're 25?

Can you believe it?

Finally old enough
to rent a car.



Oh, it feels good to laugh.

ß Happy birthday... ß

ß... Gerhardt ß

Go on.

Yes. Yay.


Happy birthday.

Thank you.


This is the men's room.

I know.
I just wanted to talk to you.

Oh, no.
You don't need to do that.

We should get back to the party.

I mean... shouldn't we?

I mean... Right?
The party?

I've never done it
in a men's bathroom before.

Well, in this building.

You are...


Mr. Hornberger!


You're making the biggest
mistake of your life.

Don't do it!

Oh, I suppose you're
gonna tell me I should do it.

No, I'm just
looking for the lobby.

But yes,
you should do it.

No, you shouldn't.
Please, think of your children.

Be a Samson!
You're a better man
than this.

But she's so smooth.

I'm sorry.
I can't do this.

I love my wife.

My wife is not a Delilah, Tracy.

Hey, that's beautiful.
I feel you, Hornberger.

Who's that tickling
my feet?

I'm gonna kick you in your face.
I know that.

Just water, please.

Are you going to
marry him?

Oh, hi.

Are you going to marry Jack?

Uh, I don't know.
We've talked about it.

I can tell from the way he looks
at you that he's serious.

He's going to get you pregnant
right away.

I'm sure.

A little late-in-life baby
he can parade around Nantucket.

The whole thing
makes me want to vomit.

Oh, no.
You know...

I can take the models,

The Rockettes,
the Shakira,

Because, ultimately, I know
they are going to leave him.

But you...

You can actually...
make him happy.

And that makes me want to sit
on a knife.


I hate seeing Johnny happy!

Oh, boy.

Oh, Jenna.

This is almost like something
out of a fairy tale.

Yes. Almost.

Great news.
Great news.

Bianca is neither normal
nor happy.

You don't have to do this.

I'm telling you,
she's not over you.

And get this.
She was all jealous of me.

She busted out crying
over it.

That's impossible.

You don't believe me?

I'm gonna go over there.

I'm gonna tell her
that you just proposed to me.

And you watch her.
Watch how red her face gets.

Hi. Bianca, I have to tell you,
Jack and I are engaged.


What do you know.


I know we have just met,
but I think I love you.

Do you love me?

Mm... hmm.


Knowing that I have the love
of a beautiful woman

has set me free!

I think you just lost
an eyebrow.

To freedom!

To us.


Thank you, dear Jenna.

And goodbye.

Why goodbye?

Who let him drink champagne?

He cannot metabolize
the grapes!

Someone call Dr. Spaceman!


I think she pulled out
a chunk of my hair.

Really? Where?

Oh, yeah.

We got to boogie, gang.

Meine Damen und Herren!

The Hapsburg line... has ended.

You can pick up your gift bags
at the coat check.

Hey, Pete.

Real inspiring what you did
back there.

You're strong now.

When your wife get home,
you gonna mess it up?

Actually, I think I might.

Let's go.

You going down, Pete?

Uh, I'll take the stairs.

Hold the door, please.

You look like a baby.

Well, thanks
for a fun evening.

Sorry your friend died.

When Gerhardt was born,

the doctor told his mother
and cousin

he would either live
for 15 minutes or for 100 years.

Boy, he proved them
all wrong.

Please, come in.

The look on Bianca's face
just before she choked you.

That was the most
satisfying thing.

It was pretty good.

Oh, just to know that she's
filled with bile over me

warms my heart.

That a boy.
That's the Jack Donaghy I know.

What are these,
your, uh, bike shorts?

All right.
Knock it off.

Lemon, I want to thank you
for showing me

that I could have a pleasant
evening with a woman my own age.

I'm 12 years younger
than you.

A woman your age, then.

Jack, wait.

Oh, my God.
I thought you were...

Oh, good Lord, Lemon,
let it go.

That's never
going to happen.

I've been
with beauty queens...
Yes, I get it.

...Pilates instructors,

Come on.

I had "lunch"
with Martha Stewart

and "dinner"
with her daughter, Alexis.