30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 13 - Up All Night - full transcript

Liz makes the staff work on Valentine's Day all night long. While Liz gets flowers and she doesn't know who send them to her, Pete forgets about the Valentine's Day, which is also his ...

No, Jack,
I'm not blaming you.

But everybody
got food poisoning.

Food poisoning?
That is impossible.

That seafood was a gift
from my friend,

the owner of
the Cleveland Browns.

They're very expensive
freshwater clams

from the... Cuyahoga River.

My whole staff has been
blorching for three days,

so if there's any way
that we could show a rerun...

I wish I could
help you, Lemon,

but I've already sold
the ad time to the Army.

Do the best you can.

I need a live show from you
in two days.


No, no, no, no.

That's not for you.
Bianca is coming.

Crazy Bianca
is coming here?

You make me
want to vomit!


Because she wants

She only contacts me
when she wants something.

And she's bringing
her lawyer,

which means she's gonna try to
bleed something else out of me

in our divorce proceedings.

You're not
all the way divorced?

Well, we've been
legally separated since 1989.

It's been a nightmare,

I mean, one minute,
you're newlyweds

making love on the floor
of the Concorde.

Then the next,
your lawyers are fighting over

who gets to keep the box
your dog defecates in.

You taught your dog
to poop in a box?

Bianca did.
But I want that box.


It's gonna take all day
and into the night

to deal
with that crazy woman.

Fighting. Conniving.
Clawing at each other.

Are you angry
or excited right now?

I can't tell.

Mrs. Donaghy
and her lawyer are here.

I'm sorry, Johnny.
I'm a little early.

This would work
on "Ugly Betty."

Hey, guys.

I'm sorry, but we're gonna have
to work all night tonight

until we get
caught up.

What?! Liz.

I can't believe you're gonna
make us work all night

on Valentine's Day.

Is it Valentine's Day?
Oh, I totally forgot.

Hells yes, Liz Lemon.
And I have plans.

Me and Angie rented
the penthouse at the Soho Grand,

where we will drink wine
and pleasure each other.


When you've been married
17 years,

you have to keep it spicy.

That's why me and my wife

She put on a girl scout outfit
with a box of cookies,

and I answer the door
in my boxers.

Or I rent out a wheelchair,

and she pretends
to be my caseworker.

And, in a way, she is.
Well, what about me?

I just took
a whole bunch of Cialis,

because I have big
Valentine's plans tonight.

With who?

Uh, nobody.

Okay, you know,
I'm sorry, you guys,

but we have to
get this done.

Let's order some dinner.

Cerie, do you mind working late
on Valentine's Day?

No, I don't care.

Aris and I
are in a huge fight anyway.

Oh, Aris?
Is that your, uh, fiancé?


He keeps sending me
all these flowers to apologize,

but he's still insisting on
having a Greek Orthodox wedding.

But I really disagree with
the church's stance on Cyprus.

Mmh. So...

Um, Chinese or what?

Liz, these are actually
for you.

Who are they from?
I don't know.
It doesn't say.

Too bad you got to
work all night.

Johnny, thank you
for speaking to me in person.

If this is about the dog box,
I'm not giving in.

Oh, no, Johnny.

I feel so terrible for what
happened at Gerhardt's party.




I had a fabulous time
at that party.

I want our divorce
to be final.

All right.

I want back all the jewelry
I ever bought you.


I want the art supplies
that I gave you

on your 40th birthday

and any subsequent art projects
you made with them.


I want all
of our love letters.


I want all of
your parents' love letters.


I want full stake
in the Arby's franchises

we bought outside
of Telluride.

Oh, damn it, Johnny! You know
I love my Big Beef and Cheddar!

Take it all.

Take the Arby's.
Take the house in Amagansett.

Take the Otto Dix

I don't care anymore.
I want to move on.

Mrs. Donaghy
intends to relinquish

all communal property.

We should have the papers
for you to sign tomorrow.

Then I suppose we're done.

We're done.

Break out a bottle
of champagne.

But not the one that came
with the shellfish, okay?

Some other bottle
of champagne.


Did you send me these
to be nice?

Why would I send you

Because it's Valentine's Day,
and you know I don't...

Oh, no.
It's what?

It's Valentine's Day.

Did you blow it with your wife?

It's too late. It's too late.
I blew it.

Well, who cares, you know?
It's just Valentine's Day.

It's also her birthday.

Oh, I got the turkey club.

Turkey club.

Hey, what's up?

Did you just come

from a Suzanne Somers
look-alike contest?

Hilarious, Frank.

Actually, I just came
from performing at Vagina Day.

Is that an offshoot
of "The Vagina Monologues"?

No. We are in no way affiliated
with "The Vagina Monologues."

Vagina Day is a charity event

founded by a group
of celebrities who have,

for whatever reason,

never been asked to participate
in "The Vagina Monologues."

Every February 14th,
we improvise monologues

about our lady parts
for the homeless.

Oh, to benefit
the homeless?

No, just for them.

My vagina is a flower.
A weird, ugly flower.

I remember the night
I lost my virginity.

It was 1968, during
the Democratic convention.

Lemon, it's done.
What's done?

My divorce.
It's final.

I'm divorced, everyone!
Who wants to grab a drink?

Uh, yeah,
I really can't, Jack.

You're making us work
all night, remember?


Hey, did you send me these
because you feel bad?

I did not, and I do not.

Hey, Pete.
You up for a quick cocktail?

I got to duck out.

I just found a Hallmark store
open 70 blocks from here.


Tracy, what do you say?

A quick drink
to celebrate my freedom?

Aw, Jackie D.,
any other time,

but I made plans
with my wife tonight.

Just one quick one.

This is the best night
of my life.

All right.
Just one.

I got to be downtown
dressed as a ninja by 10:00.

Let's go.

Okay, Frank...
Marry, boff, kill?

Beyoncé, Paula Abdul,
and Oprah.

Dude, that's beyond easy.

Boff Beyoncé, kill Paula,
marry Oprah.


Marry, boff, kill...

Cerie, Liz, and Jenna.

Once again, no-brainer.

Marry Liz, get with Cerie,
kill Jenna.

I can hear you!

Frank, knock it off.

Don't play that game about
people who are in the room.

Why not?
Because it always starts off
fun, and then it gets weird.

But thank you for saying
that you would marry me.

You didn't
send me these, right?

Are you kidding me?

Hi, uh, my name is Liz Lemon,

and I received flowers
from your shop tonight

and I can't tell
who they're from.

No, no, I did read the card,
but it's not signed.

No, I'm not with so many men

that it's impossible
for me to guess.

Well, that is just...

Oh, well, you know what?

I found the card, actually.
They're from your mom. Yeah.

So tell you gay mom
I said thanks.

We got to order
some more champagne,

go and jump on my helicopter
and buzz Trump Tower

until Don comes out on the roof
and begs us to stop.


Sounds good.

I just got to call my wife,
let her know I'm gonna be late.

Hey, Angie.

Listen, I'm gonna be...

I have to go.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

That is the weak married man
inside you talking.

I used to be like you.

Always remember...
Marriage is a competition.

And after 18 years
of overtime,

I am finally
going to claim victory.

Well, you live it up, J. D.

You know where to find me
if you need me.

Okay, I got a hard one.

Osama bin Laden,
Martha Stewart, Jenna.

Bone Osama bin Laden.
To shame him.

And then his own people
would murder him.

Marry Martha Stewart.

'Cause, you know,
she seems like a dirty bird.

And kill Jenna.

Cerie, marry, boff, kill...

Lutz, Toofer, or Kenneth.

I'd marry Toofer
'cause he's classy.

I'd kill Lutz.

Sorry, Lutz.

The thought that you would
do anything to me is awesome.

And I'd boff Kenneth.


Okay, what's your problem
with me?

You're always
making rude comments.

You never want to work with me.
Why don't you like me?

'Cause you're a big phony.

Everything about you
is fake.

Your tan's fake.
Your hair is fake.

Not the front.

You've never done or said
anything real or genuine

the whole time
I've known you.

Oh, really?

And does a phony
bare her soul for the homeless?

Because that
comes from in here.

My vagina
is a convenience store...

clean and reliable
and closed on Christmas.

And weird.

I would like to propose a toast
to my ex-wife,

who tomorrow I'm going to
be saying goodbye to

for the very last time.

Aw. Aw.
Aw. Aw.

No, no.
No, no, no.

She is very,
very mentally sick.

I mean, if you met her,
you might think she's wonderful.

But, believe me,

she is the succubus
from the bowels of hell.

I mean, if I were forced to
remember her as I first met her,

when I first
fell in love with her,

then, yes, uh, you know,
I suppose, empirically,

she is very, very beautiful.

But, uh...

But it's what's inside her

that really makes her

I wish I could
touch her boobs again.

She really had
a fabulous pair of boobs.

I admit
sometimes I would fantasize

about her getting
various terminal illnesses,

and I would nurse her...

to her death.

And she would say,

"Johnny, I am in so much pain."

And I would say,

"Just hang in there
a little longer, Bianca."


They say that lightning
never strikes twice.

But I know
that I will love again.

And I'm never gonna be happy
until I find that woman.

I think what I'm saying
to you is...

what are you doing


Kenneth, this is your chance.

Cerie digs you.

Excuse me?

And she's upset
with her fiancé.

Cerie said she would
do it with you.

Well, that just
makes me perspire.

In fact, I think
we need you and Cerie

to go on a candy run.


Um, but I need to...

She can't go by herself.
It's 1:00 in the morning.

Can I help you?

Yes, sir.

We have reports of
a nitrogen leak on this floor.

Oh, no, our room is fine.
I mean, we don't smell it.

Oh, it's odorless, sir.

I really need to check
this room.

Well, could you hurry up?

'Cause my wife and I
are planning

a really special night

Oh, it's for
your own safety, sir.


I'm detecting
a lot of heat over here.

Is it dangerous?

I don't know.

I think it's coming...

from my butt.

Oh, no! I'm married!

That's how I like them.

What?! Oh!

Role-play, baby!

Give it to me, baby!

Oh, oh! Yeah!


I don't know who that is.

But we done, 'cause
I'm not Velcro-ing up again.

Just be cool.
Just be... Be cool.

Hang tight.

Who is it?


Tracy, we couldn't find
a hotel room anywhere.

The whole city is booked.

We were hoping we could
come here and party with you.

Happy Valentimes!

Baby, I'm sorry.

But he's going through
some stuff.

Angie, do you like

It gives me a headache.

This is
a Krug Clos du Mesnil,

and I was saving it
for a special occasion.

And I thought to myself,
"My God. This is it."

Am I right?
Good news, good friends.

I clean this, too,
or, uh, just the sex?

Isn't she precious?
Hey, fun fact about Vlem.

She originally came here
to study engineering.

Come on, doll.

You tell
G. E. light-bulb man,

I want "Sophie's Choice"
out of my suite!


Uh, Lemon!

Are you coming?

Let's stall
for a minute.

It's so boring
up there anyway.

You know, artists are just
so immature sometimes.

That's why I like you, Kenneth.
You're an old soul.

Thank you.
My mama thinks so, too.

In fact, she's pretty sure

I'm the reincarnated soul
of Adrian Twyfer.

He was our town minister
who died in an organ fire.

He keeps texting me

to meet him downtown
at his club,

even though he knows
I'm working.

Well, it's like
Dr. Laura Schlessinger says.

Women should be more
accommodating to their men,

for the health
of the marriage.

She sounds smart.
Is she really a doctor?

No, I think she's
kind of like Dr Pepper.

Oh. I'm gonna go meet him
downtown, then.

Thanks, Kenneth.
You give really good advice.


How dare you.

You're so weird.

Tell Liz I left, okay?

Oh, and if you want to
tell those guys upstairs

that we made out,
it's all right with me.

Ooh, video games.
We could play video games.

This is the second-worst
Valentine's Day we ever had.

Is Mr. Donaghy here?

Another prostitute?

Lemon, what do you say?

You and me.
Atlantic City.

We can be in the crepe line
at the Borgata by dawn.

No, Jack.
What are you doing?

I'm celebrating.

And I want Bianca to see
that I'm moving on.

Well, then maybe
you should call Bianca

to help you carry
your prostitute

out of the hotel
you were just ejected from.

You think I should?

She'd probably come
right down here.

You are sick!
This relationship is sick!

You just don't understand.
It's complicated.

No, I don't understand.
Let me ask you a question.

Marry, boff, kill... Bianca.
Which do you want to do?

All of them.

All of them.

You've got to get
out of each other's lives, Jack,

or you will never be happy.

Between the two of you,
you are 100 years old,

and this is not
a dignified way

for a 100-year-old couple
to behave!

I know.

I know.

Uh, leave her there.

It's nicer
than where I found her.

Come on.

Happy Valentimes!

You know what, friend?

You got a lot of nerve
calling me a fake.

You wear
your thrift-store T-shirts

and your big, weird glasses
and everybody says,

"Oh, look at Frank.
He's so cool.

He has a hat
that says 'Extra Cheese."'

What does that even mean?

It's pretty

Admit it... You spend
just as much time and energy

trying to look weird as I do
trying to look beautiful.

And you can act
like you hate me,

but if I tried to
kiss you right now,

you would totally do it
'cause you're a big, phony jerk.

And I just wanted to
tell you that.

Okay, fine.
I pooted.

It's 3:00 in the morning.
Are you happy?

Yeah, I'm happy,
because that's the first time

you've ever done something
like a real person.

It's pretty cool.

Um, I could do it again.

But I wouldn't want to show off.


I'm sorry I said
I would kill you.

Thank you.


What happened?

So, tell us.

None of your beeswax.

He blew it.

Way to go, loser.

Oh, yeah?

If I blew it, then
how did I get her underpants?

Just this last one,

and then your marriage
is officially dissolved.

It's almost like
it never happened.

I wouldn't be surprised

if that 5-inch scar across
my abdomen was suddenly gone.


Promise me you won't sell
the Arby's.

No, I won't.

I'm gonna shut it down,
leave it vacant,

open the windows,
and let nature have at it.

This is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

That's prime property
on Highway 145.

Yes, and there's not a thing
you can do about it.

But it is irresponsible
to the community.

They should sue you.

I hope they do.
Well, I'll see to it.

I'll go right to the Telluride
Chamber of Commerce.

Do it.

The case could be
in court for months.

Maybe years.

Damn it, Johnny.

Oop... Hello.

I'm sorry.
Can I help you?

Hey, that's cool.

Is that a French
"Planet of the Apes" poster?



You know, I've heard that,
in Greece,

they have to change
Charlton Heston's name

on movie posters
to Charlton Easton

because in Greek

the word "heston" means
"to poop yourself."

I'm sorry.
Do I know you?

No, I don't think so.
Uh, you're Liz Lemon, right?


Uh, this is super awkward,

but did you get two dozen
pink roses last night?

Yep. There they are.

Those are from you?

Yes. Uh, I work up in Legal,

You're a lawyer?

I prefer "law stylist."

Uh, anyway, I meant to send
these to my girlfriend,

Liz Lemler,
who works in Accounting.



There's actually
supposed to be

a box of chocolate-covered
cherries with this.

Did you...
I don't know
anything about that.

All right.
Fair enough.

She pouted all night

because she thought
I forgot to send her something.

You know, I told her I did,
but she didn't believe me.

She sounds great.

Yeah, she is. Yeah.


...good for y'all.

Here you go.

Sorry about the mix-up.

No, no, no, no, no.
They were delivered to you.

They're yours now.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

But I could possibly get
a photo of you with the flowers,

like, with your I. D.

Oh, okay.

Is that all right?
You know, just as proof.

All right.

All right.

There we go.

Aw, it's a cute one.


Sorry to bother you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentimes!