30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 11 - The Head and the Hair - full transcript

Jenna and Liz meet two people working at NBC whom they call the head and the hair, because they don't know their names. Jenny sends Liz to ask the head for a date, but Liz ends up with the hair. Just for one day, Jack works for Kenneth and gets to know some of the uncomfortable work Kenneth has to go trough. Tracy realizes that his autobiography is due the next day and involves a main part of the staff in the writing process.

That was hilarious.

We're back in 2 minutes.

So, are you gonna
ask out The Head?
The Head?

There are these two MSNBC guys

we keep seeing around,
and we don't know their names,

so we call them The Head
and The Hair.

How come?

So, what are you,
like 6'2"?



I see you're looking
at my watch.


It's cool,
isn't it?

That's a Japanese
Pie Watch.

Oh, okay.

It tells time
with those little pie pieces.

Each piece is 6 minutes,

so right now
it's 6 times 4... 5:30.

That can't be right.

My watch has
these little hands

that go around
and point at numbers.

Hey, that's awesome,

One minute!

The point is, The Hair
is ridiculously good-looking.

It's true. He makes me nervous
just to be around.

And The Head
is perfectly harmless

and totally into
Ms. Liz Lemon.


Not as much as he's into
his Pie Watch.

I think The Head sounds
perfect for you right now.

I mean, low pressure,
high nerd factor. Come on.

If you're serious about getting
your personal life on track,

you need to work at it.

Okay, fine.
I'll ask him out.

I win.

No, the French maid-werewolf
thing is cut.

You're supposed to be
Hillary Clinton.

What?! Pete!


What do you think sounds like
the better idea for a new show?

A talk show
without a host,

just the voice of the dead lady
from "Desperate Housewives,"

or a reality show
with a lot of superhot nannies

who move into a house
and help fat kids lose weight?

Never mind.

This television-programming

is just one unpredictable
ass ache,

and I want you
to get it out of here.

Kenneth, please, come in.

Is this about
the clementine

I took off the actors'
snack table?

Because the catering lady
already talked to me...

No, no, no.

No, I wanted to talk to you

about our corporate
Bottoms-up Day.

Once a year,
all the senior V. P. s

spend one day
doing the job

of one of
our lowest-level employees.

Last year, I was a welder at
one of our locomotive factories,

and I made this.

And this year,
I'll be a page for a day,

and you'll be my boss.

Thank you, sir.

That's how
the Bottoms-up program works.

I'm gonna be your bottom,

and I want you to ride me
as hard as you can.

Dude, this party
was messed up!

They had girls dancing in cages,
and not the go-go cages.

The little dog cages
that you crate pit bulls in.

That is awesome.

That is upsetting.
That is awesome.

Couldn't have been
that great a party.

You're on time to work
for the first time ever.

January 17th...
write it down, Cerie.

It's historic.

How dare you,
Liz Lemon!

I'm not arriving
to work.

I left the party
on a bacon run.

Write it down,

January 17th,
just like every other day.

Oh, what's
today's date?

January 17th.


Aw, damn it!
I knew this was gonna happen.

Toofer, pass me some paper.

What's wrong?

My autobiography
is due tomorrow!

Morning, boss.
I'm sorry I'm late.

Well, don't let it happen

Are you ready for an exciting
and challenging day?

You bet.

Yo, me, Toofer,
and Frank

are gonna be writing my book
all day long,

and I think
my snake is sick,

so I need you
to go out to my car

and rub his belly
till he poops.

Our first assignment.

Oh, this is so annoying.

I just went down to the ATM
to get money,

and it gave me
a $100 bill.


So it's like having
Confederate money.

No one's gonna take that.


It'll give you
something interesting

to talk to
The Head about.

Oh, yeah,
am I doing that?

Yeah, right now.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, I'm looking for...
The Head?

The head of what?
Yeah, how am I
gonna do this?

Hi. What are you
doing up here?

Oh, Chris Matthews
owes me 10 bucks.

Yeah, you'll never
get that.

My name is Gray,
by the way.

You know,
it's kind of funny.

My friend Jenna and I
didn't know your name,

so we've been calling you
The Hair.

The Hair? How would you like it
if I called you Glasses?

I would be fine with that.

Oh, good, because that's
what I've been calling you,

which was no help when I was
trying to find your extension.

Why were you trying to find
my extension?

I have a friend who's opening up
a new restaurant in SoHo,

and I was hoping
that you'd go with me.

Uh, do you want to
go out with me tonight?


it would be fun...

and you seem cool.



I was looking for some money
in my mother's room,

and I found some naked pictures
under her mattress.

She was just sitting there
in her housecoat,

holding one of her boobs
like this.


I knew she must have
taken those pictures

for her boyfriend, Sonny,

'cause Sonny used to
come over twice a month.

And you knew
when Sonny was coming over,

'cause she would take us
to the store

and buy two steaks and a bottle
of Nair with cocoa butter.

How many pages
do we have now?


Make the letters bigger,

According to Wikipedia,
you were discovered

after doing stand-up
at the Apollo in 1984.

I have no memory of that.

Write it up.

Here is your salad
and your change.

Oh, no.

Dude, is this spinach?

Yes, you, uh...

you asked
for a spinach salad.

No, I like the stuff
that comes on the spinach salad,

but I wanted it
with romaine.

So you want me
to take it back?

I'm supposed to treat you
like Kenneth, right?


Well, then, yeah, genius!
Get me a new salad!

Or get me a time machine
so I can go back in time

and smack your mom for smoking
crack while she's pregnant!

Too much?

No, that's usually
how it goes.

Hey, what happened?
Did you ask him?

Well, I was going to.
Oh, Liz.

But, before I could,
The Hair asked me out.

What, the The Hair?
What did you say?

I had to say yes.

He looked at me with those crazy
handsome-guy eyes.

It was like the Death Star
tractor beam when the Falcon...

No, Liz, do not talk about stuff
like that on your date.

Guys like that
do not like "Star Trek."

I'm sorry. You're right.

I don't go out on dates
with guys like Gray.

It feels wrong.

He's The Hair,
and I am a Head-plus at best.

Or maybe you really
are The Hair,

and I'm The Head
in our relationship.

Oh, God, no.

Something is wrong
with this.

I have upset
the natural balance of things.

Good morning, ladies.
I'm making a coffee run.

Would either of you
care for anything?

"Liz and Jenna...

What's happening?

I don't know.

Good God, what does
that man do in here?

I don't know.

I've never met
Brian Williams.

But his dressing room
has to be cleaned up every day

between 11:00 and 11:30.

That way, by the time
Mr. Williams gets back

from the liquor store,
it's nice and tidy.


Kenneth, a friend of mine
tipped me off

about a position
in our aviation division.

It's entry-level only,
of course.

Is this tube sock
filled with birdseed?

Uh, yes, sir. Just put it
in the basket with the others.


At any rate, I'd be happy
to put in a good word for you.

And leave show business?

No, thank you.

Kenneth, what's your plan?

Well, I like to start cleaning
in one corner

and then work my way
across the room in a zigzag.

No, no, no, no...
your life plan.

You're learning
nothing here.

You're doing nothing here.
You're a punching bag.

I like this job.

Kenneth, this is not a job.

This is an exercise
in constant humiliation.

You're fired.

I beg your pardon.

You said I'm your boss
for today, so I fire you.

How you doing?




This is Kiara,

That's Talbot,
and that's Armand.

Would you like something
to drink?

Yes, uh,
Pinot grigio.

Be right back.
Is that bad?

So, have you guys
been watching "Heroes"?

I like the Japanese dude.

The hors d'oeuvres tonight
are boxes of pure oxygen

infused with a saffron
and a white-truffle oil.



Hey, how's it going?

It's too much.

I just want to go home and
watch that show about midgets

and eat a block
of cheddar cheese.

If it makes you feel
any better,

I've discovered
I'm not a Head.

I'll talk to you later.

Let's put the "fun"
in "funky!"


Hey, what are you doing?

Sorry. That party was just
a little too awesome for me.

Do you want to go someplace
else, just the two of us?

Okay, what's your game,


There's no game.
What are you talking about?

I don't have any money,
if that's what you're after,

and I'm not one of those girls
that does weird stuff in bed

because they think
they have to.

If you're a gay guy
looking for a beard,

I don't do that anymore.

And if you're trying to harvest
my organs and sell them,

I have an uncle who's a cop,
so don't even try.

Hey, we all have uncles
who are cops,

so just take it down
a notch.

No $100s.
Small bills.

Oh, I knew this was
gonna happen.

Store policy.
Yeah, well,
that's an illegal policy.

You have to take this.

No, I don't.

Yeah, sir, you do.

It says "Legal tender for all
debts, public and private."

Does it say anything about $100
for a bottle of water?

You can't decide what money
you'll accept. That's illegal.

It's an illegal policy.

You're holding up
the line!

No, you're holding up the line!


Well, I spent most
of the summer in the studio,

doing my Christmas album,
which was huge.

I'm almost afraid to ask.
What Christmas album?

ß lmagine Christmas wishes ß

ß Shooting out of your eyes ß

ß A candy cane
full of snow dreams ß

ß A stocking
full of smiles ß

ß It's a Jordan Christmas ß

I remember that.

That video was raunchy!



Did you get home okay
last night?

Thank you for convincing me
to go back to the party.

It was fun, although
I ate way too much oxygen.

Yeah, you actually got
a little oxygen

right there
on your, uh, coat.

Thank you.

This is gonna sound

but I'm kind of trying to
make myself do new things,

and last night was all new
for me, so that's good.

Okay, so,
here's something else

I bet you've never done

call in sick to work
and go see a movie.

A movie?
A movie.

With you?
With me.

Right now. Come on.


Oh, Pete, it's me.

I'm not coming in.

I have a flu thing,

and I'm...

I just barfed
on Sixth Avenue. I...

Hi, Jack.

I was, um... This is Gray.


Nice to meet you.

Lemon, you're looking
a little under the weather.

Maybe you should go home.

Come on.

Kenneth, do you have
a minute?

I sure don't.

Kenneth, you and I
actually have a lot in common.

We're both hard workers.

When I was your age,

I was putting myself
through college in Boston,

paddling swan boats
for the tourists.

Is that a euphemism
for some kind of sex worker?

Kenneth, my point is,

I worked hard because
I wanted to get somewhere.

I had drive.

And it disappoints me
to see you without a dream,

content with this meaningless,
pitiful job.

Do you know why I put up with
this "pitiful job," Mr. Donaghy,

why I fetch these folks lunches
and clean up their barfs?

Because they make

And more than jazz
or musical theater

or morbid obesity,

television is the true
American art form.

Think of all
the shared experiences

television has provided
for us,

from the moon landing
to the "Golden Girls" finale,

from Walter Cronkite
denouncing Vietnam

to Oprah pulling that trash bag
of fat out in a wagon,

from the glory and the pageantry
of the Summer Olympics

to the less-fun
Winter Olympics.

So please, don't tell me
I don't have a dream, sir.

I am living my dream.

Oh, my.
How'd he get that up there?

I wish I shared your passion
for television, Kenneth.

Which show
would you rather watch...

an ex-porn star
who talks to ghosts

or a remake of
"Little House on the Prairie"?


I want to see a show where
women get their hair done

while listening
to salsa music.

I also have an idea
for a cop show called "K-9!"...

exclamation point.

Oh, and a game show
called "Gold Case."

It's a cross between
"Deal or No Deal"

and "Millionaire,"

with a charming celebrity host
to be determined.

Go on.

It's called
"Gold Case."

It's "Deal or No Deal"
meets "Millionaire."

There are 10 models, each
holding an identical briefcase,

but one of them
is filled with gold.

Have you pitched this idea
to anybody else?

Well, I talked to Moonvest
over at CBS.

Les Moonves, president of CBS,
knows about this?

Hey, Moonvest, I got an idea
for a game show last night.

Give me
your fingernails!


We've got to move fast.

Mr. Parcell,
we love "Gold Case."

How do we make your show?

I thought y'all would know
where to get cameras and stuff.

I think he means,
"How much do you want for it?"

Oh, okay.

As far as compensation goes,

I would like to be officially
the head of the pages,

and I need
a new clock radio.

You've got it up there.

Now snap it off.

Also, I want 5 points
on the back end,

20% gross on merchandising,
and a creator credit

on this and any
international editions.

And a clock radio.

We're a go.


Thank you.

Woke up in a camper
at the auto show,

and that's how 2006 ended.


I can't believe this.

We're actually
gonna pull this off.

It was early January 2007

when I got the idea
to write my autobiography,

so I took a meeting
at Random House.

And I went in and talked
to this editor about it,

and this dude looked me
straight in the eyes and said,

"No, Mr. Jordan.

No, thank you.
We do not want your book."

Oops, my bad.
That's on me.

Shut it down.

No way.

Your elevator opens
right into your apartment?

Are you coming in?

I don't know.
Uh, this is new for me.

I don't really hang out

with superfluously
handsome gentlemen

in kick-ass
elevator lofts.


What else don't you do?

I don't smoke.

I don't use any drugs
except for my allergy medicine.

I don't download music
without paying for it,

and I never wear
flip-flops, ever.

It's gross.

That's real.

I do not sit on laps.


Nope, not a lap sitter.
Never have been.

Nice to see you again.

I thought you were trying
new things.


It's just
it's a small-girl thing.

It's not
a grown-lady thing.

Okay. All right.
Here we go.



It's not so bad.

No, it's not bad.

Okay, I keep waiting

for something to go wrong.

Liz, I am not gay.
I am not married.

I don't have a human head
in my freezer.

Yeah, but you're The Hair.

So are you.

Okay, we're gonna
do this, then.


Why do you have a picture
of my great-aunt Dolly?

Uh, no, that's my grandmother's
cousin Dolly.

Dolly Harlan.
Dolly Harlan.

No, I said Dolly...


From Smithtown.

Oh, my God.
We're related.

Oh, no.
Oh, God.

This is...
This is the worst!

Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt
were fifth cousins.

Okay, on the count
of three,

say what level of cousins
we would have to be

for this to be okay.

One, two, three.

no matter what.

This is never gonna work.
Of course it's not.
It never was.

This is what I get for trying
to be somebody I am not.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Look, look.

I meant what I said earlier.
You are a Hair, Liz Lemon.

It's in our blood.
Accept it.

Embrace it.

I think we're third cousins.

Yeah, I'll see you
at the reunion.

Kind of wish
you had a door right now.

All right, Jeff.

One of these briefcases
is filled

with $1 million worth
of solid gold.

Are you ready?

Let's play "Gold Case."

That one.


You struck gold
on "Gold Case"!




That one.

That one.

That one.

You struck gold on "Gold Case."

Oh, gold's real heavy,
isn't it?

This game doesn't work!

Okay, my bad.
Shut it down.

Shut it down!
That's it!

At least you got a clock radio
out of it, right?

Shut it down!
That's it!

Whose idea was this?!

This is pathetic.

Joke... this whole show
is a joke.