2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 16 - And the Zero Tolerance - full transcript

Here's your check.

I didn't charge you for
the fries, 'cause I ate them.

[drone propellers whirring]

[gasps]
Max, look out!

The diner water bugs
are getting really big.

Relax, it's the diner's new
surveillance drone.

God, you empty the register
five or ten times,

suddenly there's no trust.

So to be clear, we're out of
soap but we have a drone?

I hate that Han's just sitting
in back, watching us,

working his little joy stick.

Please, no one's getting any joy
out of Han's little stick.

This is so annoying.

It's following me.

Well, with a butt that flat,
it's the only black thing

that's ever going to follow you.

Ugh, there's another drone
out here?

I just killed one in the kitchen
with a fly swatter.

Go.

I mean, if I wanted
to be spied on,

I'd change my name
to Achmed,

and buy a condo
near the airport.

Whatever happened
to buying a painting

of an old sea captain,
drilling out the eye holes,

and hiding behind it?

Not cool, Han.

And the worst part is,
it's moving around so much,

I can't find my good angle.

Not cool and not Han.

I stole this
while he was explaining to me

why a 77-year-old man,
on minimum wage,

doesn't need health care.

Earl, that is awesome.

Not really.
I need that health care.

No, that you stole that.

We need to do something
that will make Han

never want to spy
on us again.

Oleg, open your pants.

Earl, fly that camera
in there.

But first,
take off your underwear.

Underwear?

Come on.
What am I, five?

Inches?

Oleg, aren't you at all worried
about Earl's cataracts?

Best case scenario,
I get a little manscaping.

Worst case, I've been meaning
to get circumcised.

[Han's screams]

My eyes!

[screaming]

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪

[cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ♪

Max, I'm writing out
the check for our bank loan,

and I'm not quite sure
what our balance is

because here under "withdrawals"
you just wrote, "yeah."

Well, if you don't like that,
you're really not going to like

the picture I drew
under "deposits."

I saw it.

Max, zeroes are not balls,
they're not boobs,

and they're not googly eyes.

They're just zeroes.

Says you.

I'll go check our balance
at the ATM.

Even though the last guy
who touched it

had a cold sore so big,

I charged him
for a party of two.

Don't worry. You are not
going to get anything

from that machine.

Especially cash.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, yeah.

Somebody better make me
some eggs

because I've been on
a juice cleanse for three hours,

and I'm dizzy.

Yeah.
I mean, they call it a fast,

but it sure does go slow.

I was on a three weeks fast,
once.

Then I realized my mother
wasn't coming home.

So I made a sandwich.

Oleg and my wedding
is coming up

and we're trying to eat clean.

Yeah, baby, 'cause you know
we're eating dirty

on the honeymoon.

[screaming]

Oh, dear God, what?

Another used condom
in the receipt slot?

- Worse.
- What?

Stuff that should be
in a condom but isn't?

We're below zero.

Oh, well,
I better go, y'all.

A white woman screaming
anywhere in my vicinity

never turns out well.

This is a disaster.

I've been at zero,

but I've never
had less than zero.

Oh, don't say that, Caroline.

I mean, you're forgetting
about your dating options.

We have less than zero money

and no way
of paying off our bank loan.

Oh, my God.
It happened.

I'm working class.

Hey. I've waited tables
with you for four years

and there's no way you could
call what you do working.

Cupcakes!

Buy cupcakes.

Buy cupcakes!

Stop.

You look more desperate
than Justin Bieber

in that Calvin Klein ad.

You don't understand
the seriousness

of this bank situation.

You don't understand the rules
of World Of Warcraft.

The loan just keeps escalating
and escalating

until they close us down.

Cupcakes!
Buy cupcakes!

Buy cupcakes!
Buy cupcakes!

Oh, Pay-dirt.
Look.

Here comes a big, fat
frat house guy.

Hey, bitches.

Remember me?

Big Mary.

That's my name.
Don't wear it out.

John, we haven't seen you
since pastry school.

Hey, for old times' sake,
want to buy a cupcake?

A dozen?
The shop?

So I came because
I may know of a way

for Max to make
some extra money.

Whatever it is,
she'll do it.

That was my yearbook quote.

I just got hired
at a new restaurant

that's opening
under the High Line Park

in Manhattan,
and they are looking

for another day pastry chef.

I only have a year
of pastry school

and I was stoned
for, like, a year of that.

I don't know
if I have the skills.

[chuckles]
Oh, girl, you don't.

But the manager, Joe,
wants only pretty people.

And what you lack in pastry,

you more than make up
for in pretty.

She'll do it.
You'll do it, Max.

And John will be there
to help back you up

with his pastry skills.

And 'cause I'm pretty.

I don't belong in a place
like that.

It's called "The High."

Sounds right.
Give me the deets.

Well, good night girls.

Sorry about your bank balance.

But I trust you'll both lapse

into denial fairly soon,
as always.

Hello.

Who was she?

Hold me closer,
tiny dancer.

Oh...Han's not gay.

You forgot the "yet."

Max, maybe button up
a button or two.

It's a dessert bar.
Not a strip bar.

Hey, I need this job,

and once this Joe guy takes
one look at these puff pastries,

he might cut me some slack
when he sees

my other "not so puff"
pastries.

And you're comfortable
with that?

Yup.

Like I guess
you're comfortable

applying for a waitress job

on just the merits
of your waitress skills.

Should I keep going?

Why?

I'm here.

I'll take those applications.
Hurry, ladies.

If I was looking for pretty
and slow, I'd hire Nick Jonas.

Max,
let's get out of here.

She reminds me
of this nightmare

I'm going to have
for the rest of my life.

Relax, she's just
his guard dog.

It's Joe guy
we have to impress.

No thank you.

No thank you.

And how dare you?

Oh, I'm sorry, the restaurant
doesn't open until tomorrow.

Actually, no.

Hi. I'm here to apply
for a waitress job.

At your age?

I'm 27!

And?

Max,
I can't breathe.

And I'm here to apply
for a pastry chef.

Also 27, but I've looked
this old since I was 6.

For a while, I thought I had
that Benjamin Button's disease.

I'll take the pastry chef
first.

Why don't you sit over there
and wait.

I won't be long,
because frankly,

you don't have the time.

Thank you.
I'll be over there.

Applying for Social Security.

So where did you go
to pastry school,

and why aren't you
working now?

Manhattan School Of Pastry,
and I am working.

I have my own cupcake shop
in Brooklyn.

Oh, it's almost over.

This interview? Great.

No. Not the interview.
Brooklyn.

Brooklyn's almost over.

Also, cupcakes.

Cool. I will tell them.

Wish I knew that
before they all got

their belly buttons pierced
trying to stay cool.

Oh, great.
A sense of humor.

Customers love that.

I don't, but they do.

So, um, where's this Joe guy
who's doing the hiring?

There is no "Joe guy."
I'm Joe.

Spelled, J-O-E-D-T-H.

The D-T-H is silent.

As am I,
because I want this job.

Well, I guess
I can put these away then.

That was your plan?

To expose your breasts and
seduce your way into this job?

You say that
like it's a bad thing.

Okay.
Well, bye.

Sit, sit.

If you really can bake,

this position might be
perfect for you.

Also, you have that edgy,

"I don't give a crap"
attitude.

Customers love that.

I don't, but they do.

Actually, Joe, silent D-T-H,
I can bake.

But how well?

My girlfriend and I are
obsessed with French pastry.

Oh. Girlfriend
as in "girlfriend,"

or as in two ladies
of a certain age

at a Cineplex
splitting one thing of popcorn?

Everything you just said
offended me.

Yeah, that's my brand.

And the fact
that you didn't cry

about splitting a popcorn
makes me think

it's the first kind of
girlfriend.

How are your macaroons?

Uh...oh. Mm.

My macaroons?

Great.

A little bit of French
heaven.

What is your name?

Max.

M-a-x.

[clicks teeth]

Nothing is silent.
Ever.

So I gather.

Okay. Why don't you go
fill out an application, Max.

And you can
put those away again.

I'm really not
into big-breasted women.

Girl, you got this.

First day.
Are you nervous, girl?

Please. Nervous is telling
your elderly Mormon parents

that you're gay
after your three older siblings

already came out.

I have no idea what most
of these desserts are.

I haven't felt this lost
since the finale of Lost.

Max, can you see any of the
Barney's price tags on these?

Uh, I think there's one
bunching up

inside the back
of your pants.

No, that's the underwear
I'm also returning.

Here she comes.

Hi, ladies.
This is Naomi,

the dessert bar hostess.

Go, Naomi, go.

Gorgeous, but as dumb as whoever
is the hot new idiot right now.

Let me take a look at you.

Good-bye.

Already?

Those pearls.
They have to go.

Really? It's just, well,

I'm kind of emotionally attached
to them.

Well, honey, I love
my half-blind French bulldog,

but I don't wear her
around my neck.

Max, let me take a look.

Love it.

Fabulous.
Well done.

Hi, Joe. Big day.
I'm so excited.

Why don't you be excited
in the back, doll?

I want Max up front now.

All my life, people have been
telling me not to come out.

Why should here
be any different?

Ladies, I just got word that
the New York Times food critic

may make a surprise visit
this afternoon.

Everything
has to be perfect--

the service,
the desserts,

the precarious balance
of my meds.

Nothing can go wrong.

Naomi.

Fetch.

"Welcome to The High."

"Hi. Welcome to The High."

"Welcome to The High."

Stop saying high.
It reminds me I'm not.

Wait, Max,
you're not high?

Like, not high at all?

No. I didn't want
to screw today up.

What the hell
is wrong with you?

You can't change
who you are today.

The New York Times
is coming.

How will you cope?

I mean, when's the last time
you weren't high?

My birth.

But I was really drunk.

I had just had
a bottle of wine.

Well, my mother had.

I have to go wait
on those customers.

Do what you can
to get with the program.

I mean, get off
the program.

You can't bake not baked.

Big Mary?

John?

Why not try my new name?

Quasimodo.

Do you have any weed?

Do I have any weed?

Let me check my hump.

Nope.
No weed.

Thanks, Rico.
I didn't want to ask

due to the city-wide ban
on racial profiling.

Wow.
This dish room is cleaner

than Chris Christie's plate
after lunch.

Max, I need two lavender
macaroons.

- Where are they?
- I'm working on them.

Well, good.
I'm so proud of you.

This is so Freaky Friday.

Here are the lavender macaroons.

See? Even just holding this,
I'm better.

Now we just have to hope
nothing goes wrong.

(Sophie)
Surprise!

We all came to support you.

(Caroline)
Well, that's it.

The New York Times food critic
may be in the same room

as Han, Earl,
Oleg, and Sophie.

We're dead.
Time of death, 11:30.

I believe it's more like 4:20.

Oh, Caroline,
I love your new place.

It's so fresh and pretty.

It kind of looks like
a douche commercial.

You're right, baby.

It looks exactly like
a douche commercial.

Okay.
Can we stop saying "douche"

in the fancy pastry shop?

I agree.
Not appropriate.

Caroline, darling,
slip my phone number

to that fine Nubian
princess.

And tell her not to be
fooled by my bad hip.

I can still gently
rock her world.

Okay, guys,
what are you doing here

and how quickly can you leave?

Real nice.

After we came all this way

to just order only desserts

that Max knows how to make

and to say nice things
about you as a waitress.

Oh, you'd do that for me?

Hell no,
I can't pull that off.

If I could act,
I'd sell the restaurant

and get cast in two-line roles
as the doctor

on any network television show.

Sophie's the actress.

And trust me,
she's got quite a repertoire.

In bed, I call her Meryl Sheets.

Do it, baby.

[Southern Belle accent]
Oh, what a lovely place.

That's the accent she uses
when we play

"12 Years A Sex Slave."

Lovely, be right back.

Oh, and, welcome to The High.

(Joedth)
What's going on
with that table?

Is there a European circus
in town?

A circus?
Well, I wouldn't know.

I really have no idea
who they are.

That didn't require an answer.

It was just one
of my dead-on observations.

Just get rid of them.

Tell them we've run out
of funnel cakes.

Well, I'm feeling like
my old self.

Joe just told me to lose Han,
Earl, Oleg, and Sophie.

How am I supposed to
lose that many people?

I'm not air traffic control.

You are acting like
they don't know how to act

in a fancy place.

[Sophie, yelling]
Girls, look!

Oleg's wearing
his napkin as a party hat.

[Sophie laughing]

Here's your dessert.
Bon appetite.

Max, I can't believe
you just made that.

Neither can I.

And what did you say
to Oleg and Sophie?

It's been an hour,
and I haven't seen

any over-the-table
penetration.

I just told them
to be on their best behavior,

and they're fine with it.

Excuse me, Max.

Yes, hi.

May I go tinkle?

Or is that against the law here
at Guantanamo Dessert Bay?

I'm gonna go have sex
in the ladies room.

Unless you two prudes
have a problem with that, too.

Excuse me.

Can I get a latte
and a red wine?

[clears throat]

'Cause I got a Vicodin
stuck in my throat.

Oh, my God.

Who could be that messed up

in the middle
of the afternoon?

Uh, my new best friend.

I better get rid of her
before Joe

or that Times critic
walks in.

You keep doing good things
by accident.

Hi, can I get a--

You sure can.
Anywhere but here.

(woman)
Oh, no. Spinning's not good
for me right now.

(Joedth)
What is she doing here?

Leaving.
You never saw her.

- Wait--
- Joe, I got this.

My bestie at school
was totally hooked

on prescription pills
for, like, a week.

Hey, hi, you.

Excuse me.
Where is Max?

She's in the back
for a sec.

So...

We meet again.

Sir, do you need something
in the back?

Yes, Caroline said
she'd bring me a napkin,

but I could get Time Warner
on the phone faster than that.

Just ask Max.

She covers for Caroline
all the time at the diner.

Max?

Ooh.
Drama at The High.

Han,
that's my new boss.

Stop talking.

Also, stop collecting stickers.
You're a grown-up.

Okay, I threw that drug addict
out.

That drug addict
is my girlfriend.

More drama at The High.

And Caroline,
we have a problem.

You called Allie
a drug addict.

Oh, is that her name?

Allie?
So cute.

Even lovelier.

And according
to that very small man,

you're also
a terrible waitress.

But I had no idea
you two were together.

I would have thought
a powerful...

Stop. Now.

Joe, look, we really need
these jobs.

We made a bad decision
with our bakery business,

and we have a big bank loan
that we can't pay.

Honesty.
Good.

People respond
to honesty.

I don't, but they do.

Max, you have potential here.

Caroline,
you're fired as a waitress.

Are you sure?

Stop!

There's nothing in there
to save you.

Well, if she's fired,
I'm fired, too.

Oh, relax,
Norma Rae.

She's fired
as a waitress,

but she's hired
as a hostess.

I am?
Why?

Because you're pretty,
you flashed a boob,

and you took more control
of Allie in five minutes

than anybody's been able to do
in her three rehab stints.

And that, lady,
is a New York City hostess.

Well, girls, I struck out.

Bill Cosby has ruined it
for all black men over 70

who are just trying
to buy a gal a drink.

Max, how do you like that?

I'm the hostess.
I got a promotion!

I don't think
a hostess is a promo--

It is, Max, 'cause with a
less-than-zero bank balance,

it has to be.
It's all I have left.