2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 15 - And the Fat Cat - full transcript

A handsome businessman, Owen (guest star IAN REED KESLER - Mom, Weeds), returns Max and Caroline's missing cat, Nancy, who comes home with a big surprise.

Here you go.

And I hope you enjoyed
dinner and the show.

The show being me pretending
I'm happy as a waitress.

Caroline, where is Max?

And I've already checked
the bowels of hell.

Yeah, I know where I work.

Max is going to be late today

'cause she got stuck
on the subway.

But you said yesterday
she was late

because she was stuck
on the subway.

No, I believe I said yesterday
she got stuck under the subway.

Oleg, a little help.

Oh, Max?

Today she got stuck on a bus.

And you said that the day before

- Earl?
- She got stuck between the moon

and New York City.

I know it's crazy,
but it's true.

Sorry I'm late.

I couldn't find our cat, Nancy.

Also, I was stuck
on the bus or under the subway.

Unless they told you
something different,

then I was doing that.

Oh, come on.
That excuse was less satisfying

than the end of Serial.

Max, really,
what do you take me for?

Well, I know where
I can't take you.

On the big rides
at Disneyland.

Nancy still hasn't come home.

I'm freaking out.

She's the only thing I love.



I had a cat once.
He was cool.

He was black
and very sexually active.

Oh, wait, the cool cat
I'm talking about was me.

Earl, be careful, at your age,
you could die having sex.

I know.

Those ladies don't know
whether I'm coming or going.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪

[cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ♪

I think Nancy might be gone
for good.

I just can't believe
she didn't take me with her.

We had a deal.

Max, she'll come back
to the apartment,

even if she doesn't want to.

I mean, I always do.

I am not surprised
you're not worried.

You never really liked Nancy.

You call her "that cat."

As in, "that cat"
peed on my pillow.

While I was sleeping
on it, Max.

Well, blame me.
I got her drunk.

Hey, everybody!

Look, girls,
I got your pussy in my purse.

Either that's a cat, or
you two got to keep better track

of your belongings.


That cat's back.

See, Max?

I am excited.

[baby talk]
Oh, I missed you so much.

Oh, yes, I did.

That's not Nancy.

That is a boy.

Well, Max, sorry I don't check
out a cat's junk

the second it comes through
the door.

Yeah, you only look
at the face.

That's the difference between
you and me.

See, look, the name tag says

No wonder that little girl
kept crying and saying,

"Give me Cinnamon,
Give me Cinnamon."

I looked her right in the eye
and I said,

"I don't carry spices
in my purse."

Max, you are completely

- It's just a--
- Oh! Just a what?

Say it!

- It's just a cat.
- [gasps]


Hey, I'm the one who fronted us
that dollar to get her name tag.

Thanks to me, someone's gonna
pick her up,

look at it, and say,
"Oh, you must be lost,


Her name's Nancy!

I know her name!

It got momentarily
pushed out of my head

to make room for those 1,600
cupcake T-shirts

we can't unload or pay for.

You think I don't wake up

four or five nights a week
about those T-shirts?

But I know our cat's name.

You don't wake up
at night ever.

No, I sleep like a dead baby,
it's my one gift.

[phone rings]

Oh, the phone!

Unknown number.
This could be it!

I like my numbers like my condom
expiration dates, unknown.


- Yes?
- Who is it, Max?

You have her?

Oh, sure, great.

- Thank you.
- He has her?

He has Nancy?

Please, too little,
too late.

Max, we're in $10,000 worth
of debt

and you spent money
on new kitty litter?

Relax, I'm going to pee
in it, too.

Well, I guess it beats
that Sprite bottle

you've been using
in your bedroom.

It's just such a long walk
to the bathroom

that every time
I have to go,

it's like
I'm raising money for MS.

Oh, I have good news.

I found your lost bra
in the litter box.

Don't think I'm not still
wearing it.

I mean, why not?

I ate a hot dog that rolled
under a car the other day.

I left a couple
of big clumps in,

just to help you
out a little.

[knock at door]

Oh, okay, that's Nancy.

Here's a chance
for a fresh start for you two.

And don't bring up the bra,
we don't know why she wanted it,

but I'm sure
she had her reasons.

Fine, I'll be
on my best behavior.

But you watch and see
how she treats me.

It's a two-way street.

Hi, I have your cat.

And surprisingly, your doorknob.

Oh, that gum wore out already?

Hi, buddy!

Hi, I'm Caroline.
This is Max.

Thank you so much
for bringing back--

- Nancy!
- I know!

And please note,
she did not even look at me.

Hi. I'm Owen.

Well, we are "Owen" you
a big thank-you.

Kind of low on cash,
how would you feel

about 1,000 cute
cupcake tees?

Yeah, I don't need
1,000 pink T-shirts.

My dad's already mad at me
I don't care about sports.

How do you get
this thing open?

We usually just take Nancy

in an old vacuum cleaner bag.

Also doubles as my
"going out" purse.

Pardon me,
may I get past?

Oh, manners.

In our doorway?

I don't know what to do.

What's next, a front stoop with
no discarded heroin needles?

Yeah, I just came up there.

Not today.

Here, let me help.

I mean, I'm the dumb one who
paid $2,000 for a cat carrier.

I miss being that stupid.

You know, my cat
can't get this open either.

It must be the lack of thumbs.

Rich, funny, and in a suit
at 9:00 A.M.?

I really don't know what to do.

You know, my cat, Dickens,
loves your cat.

Oh, Dickens, after the author?

Dickens, after the author,

Yeah, I know who that is.

The guy who wrote
Muppets Christmas Carol.

I knew I'd get it.

'Cause I have thumbs.

[baby talk]
Oh, there she is.

[cat meows]
- Yes.

So I take it by the cat,
you're single?

Big time.

So, do you and Dickens
live alone?

Oh no, she's trying to flirt.

I travel a lot for work.

I'm a venture capitalist.

So you know how it is.

Oh, I do.
I absolutely do.

- I...
- Here it comes.

- Went to Wharton.
- Boom.

Well, if she gets lost again,
you know where to find her.

She's been hanging around
outside our window

every day for the last couple
of months.

So I let her in.
I hope that's okay.

Is that okay?
It's awesome.

I hope your girlfriend
didn't mind.

We just broke up.

So I'm single.

And I better get going.

I've got a 10:00 meeting.

Max, give the man his case.

He has a 10:00 meeting.

She doesn't want to get out
of cushy this thing.

I totally get it.

I had to be dragged
out of that massage chair

at Brookstone
by mall security.

Well, here's my card,
just give me a call

when you want me
to pick up the case.

You have a card?

A card, a meeting,
a suit, a joke?

Are you the next bachelor?

Well, thank you,
Owen Charles Boyd,

for bringing back
our beloved--

- Her name's Nancy!
- I know her name.

Why do I have to
say it so fast?

She's joking,
she's just not as funny as you.

Well, it was nice to meet you.

Bye, Nancy.


Yes, I was flirting.

But I was doing it
for our business.

You should really be doing it
for your business.

'Cause your business
is going out of business.

He has a card.

And it's not
for medical marijuana.

He's a venture capitalist.

That's the kind of fat cat

that can help us get back
on our feet.

Speaking of fat cats,
Nancy's looking like

she might need to give
Jenny a call.

Hey, girls.

Oh, you found Nancy.

I knew she'd come back pregnant.

Wait, Sophie, how can you tell
she's pregnant

and just not fighting the same
battle Jonah Hill is fighting?

Well, her fur is thicker, she's
got a little sparkle in her eye,

and there's a little kitten head
about to pop out of her patoot.

[Nancy meowing]

Come on.
Push, Nancy.

Come on, we all know
what you did.

Now is not the time to be shy.

You do know what you're doing,
right, Sophie?

This isn't like the time
you told us

you could do your own bikini wax
with a candle?

'Cause I still have the
vanilla-scented scars from that.

Don't worry.

In my village,
all the Kuchenskis women

acted as animal midwives.

It was the best way
to meet guys.

Strap in, girls.

[Nancy meowing]
- Ah! She's crowning!

I can't believe it.

I thought Nancy
was smarter than this.

But it turns out she's just like
the rest of the women

in my family.

Screwed by some stranger
she met in the dumpster.

Okay, here we go.

[Nancy meowing]

Oh, there goes my ring.

I--sorry, Nancy.

Oh, here we go!

Come on, girls, I need some
hot water and fresh towels.

We do, too.
For, like, four years.


how about some
of these T-shirts?

Oh, sure why not use those?

They used to be our
bright future.

Now just a ShamWow
for illegitimate cats.

[Nancy meowing]

Oh, my God,
that must be the sound

of a surrendering
cat uterus.

Well, it's the first time
a uterus has surrendered

in that bed in a while.

[kittens meowing]

I don't know why
I'm not throwing up.

Oh, wait.
I'm starting to.

[kittens continue meowing]

Well, I'm off Korean dumplings
for life.

This one--
this one won't come out.

It's like the Queen Latifah
of kittens.

Sophie, I got your text
that you were in bed with Nancy.

Who is this Nancy,

and when did we go back
to doing three-ways?

Nancy's a cat.

Mm, that's a no.

I've got to draw the line

Well, I heard the news.

Looks like you two are
grandmothers before you're 30.

Can't say I'm surprised.

Okay, before you even ask,

I don't pay
for cat maternity leave.

This isn't Google.

This isn't even
Ask Jeeves, Han.

Well, I can help you
get the kittens good homes.

The people in my building
are very nice.

Except if you don't recycle one
bottle of sparkling cider,

then nobody talks to you
in the elevator.

Han, we're not
giving the kittens away.

Nancy landed herself
a rich cat,

we're gonna be living off
a hefty kitty support.

Only you two
would be desperate enough

to try and find a sugar catty.

So has Owen called you
back yet?

Um, we're trading.

"We're trading"?

"We're trading"
is lonely white girl talk

for "he hasn't called me back."

I can't believe this.
He's a deadbeat dad.

Max, he's just busy.

And I think you might
be projecting a little

because of your dad.

Not that I'm a therapist.

I mean,
I can't even afford a couch.

I'm not projecting.

I just know a deadbeat dad
when I don't see one!

Where's his card?

I don't remember where I--

Max, let go! I've got this.

That guy can really help us
with our business.

let me handle this.

Look, Ryan Gosling.


- I got this.
- I got this.

- I got this.
- I got this.

Keep going, girls,
I'm almost there.

I got this, Max.

And when he comes to get
the cat carrier,

I'll talk to him.

You're way too emotional.

You just went to third base
with my apron.

Sitting on this stoop
is nice.

How come we never
sit out here?

[gunshots ringing]

[woman shrieking]

There it is.

Oh, please,
it's just Rico.

Rico looks good.
I think he got another tattoo.

Look, when Owen gets here,
should we still be alive,

please let me
do the talking.

Kittens aside,
Owen can help us.

A venture capitalist
buys companies

and turns them around.

Yeah, I've seen
Pretty Woman.

That's how I realized
I wasn't charging enough.

Go, Max, here he comes.

All right, but I'll be watching
inside from the window.

It's probably better, because
I don't trust Nancy alone

with those kittens.

She's got some
serious postpartum.

When I left the room,
she was lighting a Menthol 100

with a shaky paw.


Crazy we live walking distance
from each other.

We don't.
The Uber driver

wouldn't go past the fire
hydrant on the corner.

The one with the bloody shoe
hanging from it?

That's the one.

[woman screaming]

You know what? I'm just
gonna take the cat carrier.

Before you go...

we have this small cupcake

that's just begging
to be an empire,

and I wanted to pick your brain
about some business stuff.

Okay, so your Dickens
got our cat pregnant,

and she just had five kittens.

And at her age, it's a miracle
we didn't have to pay

for in vitro.

How do you know they are

I'm not saying
that Nancy's easy,

it's just,
I've seen her go in and out

of a lot of windows.

[police sirens blaring
in the distance]

Did he just drop a gun?

It's fine.
He has more.

Okay, call my assistant,
you can pick my brain.

I just don't want it
to be off the sidewalk.

Really, I got to go.
I can't get killed.

I'm wearing new suede loafers.

Uber, an assistant,
and suede loafers?

Are you for real?

I hope I'm not intruding.

No, come in.

I was just brushing
my new loafers.

I bought them as a break-up gift
for myself.

But unlike my ex-girlfriend,
these have a sole.

I didn't wanna mention the cat
situation to your assistant.

Next thing you know,
it's all over the lunch room:

Owen Charles Boyd's cat
is a raw-dogger.

My business partner
stepped on them.

Said it was an accident.

Didn't feel like one.

One shoe yes, but both?

Highly unlikely.

Owen, sometimes in life,
it's not just an innocent cat

that gets screwed.

A girl can get screwed
as well.

Oh, hey, hi.
What's happening?

As in, screwed by one
bad business decision.

My partner, Max, and I
recently invested

all our savings in--
well, here, take a look.

- [gasps]
- Oh, my coffee!

- Oh.
- My loafer!

My coffee's on my loafer!

Here, let me.

No, you dab.
You don't wipe suede.

You dab.

Dab. I'm sorry.

I used to know that.

That's Rich 101.

Let me just go find some water

and I'll dab, not wipe,
this out.

We're not done yet.
I'm going back in.

It's going really well though.

Where's water?

Do you know how to unsend
an email?

If I did, my rich ex-boyfriend
would've never found out

what I thought
of his lisp

and I'd be living in the
"thouth of Franth" right now.

[elevator bell dings]

Where is he?

He needs to see
these adorable bastards.

Max, how did you find me here?

I told you I was going
on a "think walk."

I followed you.

I never noticed how much
you check yourself out

in store windows.
You have a problem.

Do either of you know a way
to turn the phrase,

"self-absorbed, ridiculous pig"
into a compliment?

If I did, I'd still be
on The Apprentice.

Owen's going to see that email

and I'm going to get fired.

I have to start paying attention
to details.

I'm just gonna go back in.

I don't care.

Not without me you're not.

Max, please, let me handle this.

I'm begging you.

We're getting close, look,
I'm holding his shoe.

If he doesn't step up here,

these kittens
will feel neglected,

and it is only
a matter of time

till they are waitressing
or worse.

Max, you're wrong.

There's nothing worse
than waitressing.

Max, stop!

You'll ruin everything.

I can fix this and us.

We are beyond help.

It's all about these kittens.

- Now move, I got this.
- No, I got this.

- I got this.
- I got this.

- I--
- [gasps]

Oh, my God.

What the hell
is happening?

[kittens meowing]

That's right. I came to your
office with a basket of cats.

Max, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well, he's the one
who should be sorry.

I want you to look
these kittens in the whiskers

and tell them that Dickens
is not their father.

What makes you think
they're mine. Why?

Because they look
just like Dickens

when he was a tiny
baby kitten.

Oh, and this one's even cuter.

And that one.

I'll take them all.

But not that one.
Seems a little off.

Not quite as alert
as the others.

Oh, she's not good enough
for you?

- Max. Projecting.
- I'm not projecting.

He said
she's not good enough for him.


Just because she was unplanned
and not good at math?

Developed boobs way too early?

Okay, fine.
I'm projecting.

What is going on?

Caroline, are we gonna hook up
or what?

This is, like the weirdest
foreplay ever.

Hook up? What would make you
think I want to hook up?

Oh, because I
business flirted?

That's Wharton 101.

It was more
than business flirting.

You begged to come to my office,

show up wearing
a see-through shirt.

That was not by choice.

It is cheaply made.

I came here to talk to you
about our business,

and possibly get you to invest
in a small, but spirited--

Invest? This is the financial
capital of the world.

[baby talk]
Yes, it is.

Why would I invest in a
desperate little cupcake shop?


That's it!

No cats for you.

You know what?

You are a self-absorbed,
ridiculous pig.

Says you.

And your assistant.

Check your email.

I was able to unsend it.


Yeah, might want to re-ignite
that LinkedIn profile.

You're gonna be home a lot more,
you want a cat?

- [gasps]
[kittens meowing]

Thanks for taking the kittens,

I feel like you have
an understanding

of small creatures,
being one yourself.

Have no fear, my building
is loaded with lesbians.

They take home rescue cats

faster than they take home
other lesbians.

Okay, let's discuss my terms.

Unlike all my
non-animal children,

I want to know
they're taken care of.

What part of lesbian
don't you understand?

They'll be swaddled
in a flannel shirt by nightfall.

Okay, now this one,
I call Junkie.

'Cause he's got a serious
Catnip problem.

Oh, so you raised a drug addict
within a week.

Sounds about right.

These two should try
and stay together.

We call them
Game of Thrones One

and Game of Thrones Two.

'Cause they're siblings
and lovers.

This one's the boy.

Watch him and learn
what humping looks like.

This one's pretty bland.

She lays around,
doesn't meow much,

and when she does,
she's kind of phoning it in.

We call her Amy Adams.


This last one gets
special attention.

She's the smallest,
but she's got potential.

I mean,
look at those nipples.

And now the nipples
are all I see.

Have a nice life.

I'll find you on Instagram.

Check out Grumpy Cat.

Do what he does.

Well, bye, kitties.

And remember,
stripping isn't dancing.

And now all I can see is them
wearing pasties.

You know what, Max?

We don't need that rich guy
to fix our business.

We can do it ourselves.

Who am I kidding?
Our business is in worse shape

than two retired guys
in a golf cart.

Well, you know
what we'd better fix?


'Cause he was right,
she's a slut.

Someone just found her 69-ing
a tabby in the alley.

[cash register bell dings]