2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 17 - And the High Hook-Up - full transcript

Max, did you pick up
the tip from table two?

No, but I'm pretty sure
I picked up a staph infection.

So they literally gave me
their two cents worth.

This is so embarrassing,

even Abe Lincoln
won't make eye contact.

Girls, I need you
to do something for me.

You know the rule:
nothing for you,

on you, near you,
or in us.

I'm going to restroom.
Keep eye on the kitchen.

I have a four-minute egg
and a five-minute date

with the Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Issue.

Hey, do you see
what I see?

A fire?

No, a way out
of this job.

Lord Jesus,
there's a fire.

You two gonna do
anything about that?

'Cause I'm not.

I don't mess with fire
or Presbyterians.

Fire, fire!

I smell fire!

Well, don't just stand there.
Do something!

We are.

S'mores!

You'd think you want this place
to burn to the ground.

You'd think that.

Caroline,
do something.

I'm on it.
Chocolate?

(Caroline)
Han, not too close.

You know you can never
get the smell of Korean barbecue

out of your clothes.

[shouting]

[shouts weakly]

Either
he put the fire out,

or that little robot
just had an orgasm.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪

[cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ♪

Welcome to The High
dessert bar.

I'm the hostess
slash quasi-manager.

First day in,
got a huge promosh.

I hate to brag,

but the word "dazzling"
was used.

Yeah, by you.

Little to no power
has really gone to your head.

It has.

She's like
the Putin of pastry.

But doesn't it
feel good

to not just be working
at the diner?

I haven't slipped
on one used baby diaper all day.

Speaking of babies,

look,
there's Han.

That's, like,
the third time

I caught him
spying on us.

Why would he stalk
two of his worst employees?

I know.

It's like Where's Waldo?

when you don't want
to find Waldo.

Not seeing a hostess
up in here.

She meant
quasi-manager.

If Marty Scorsese
walks in here,

do you want him
to seat himself?

He'll be lost.
Lost.

Sorry, Joe, I was just
over there giving Max--

Honey, I'll download
an audiobook

if I want
to hear a story.

I want you
to meet someone.

Me too, and I'm sure
I will when the time is right

and I'm open to it.

Kind of focusing on me
right now.

Stop.

Learn to read faces.

I'm not talking
about you.

I'm talking
about him.

[with Irish accent]
Hello, pleasure
to meet you.

I'm Nashit.

Nashit's
an Indian name,

and isn't that
an Irish accent I detect?

Or have I just
lost consciousness

from how white
your teeth are?

Yes, it is.

My father's Indian.
My mother's Irish.

He's Irish.
He's Indian.

He's East
meets West.

He's everything

in a hot Irish coffee,
boy band package.

I found him
on the street

next to a dirty chair.

Hi, I'm Caroline, the hostess
slash quasi-manager

at The High.

Are you high?

'Cause that was
a lot of talking.

Who is this,
and where can I get one?

This is Nashit,
our new waiter.

Oh, it's lovely
to meet you.

[gasps]

Can you say
"magically delicious"?

I really want Nashit
to work out.

I like it when
good-looking people succeed.

Well, I guess
that's good news for me.

Is it?

Hi, honey.

(Joe)
Have you met
the new waiter?

I love him.
He's my favorite.

If I did men,
he would've been done by now.

Hmm, so you think
you're pretty.

Well, I do too.

Okay, Nashit,
pay attention.

These are the tables.
This is the dessert bar.

And these are
my boobs.

Max, be professional.

These are
my boobs, sir.

Please, I have
to make him a waiter.

Fine, you make him
a waiter,

and I'll just
make him later.

Here you go.
This isn't yours, is it?

No, because
they already have dessert.

Damn it.

You asked for water,
like, an hour ago, didn't you?

I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't you worry
those lips.

And what's an hour when we have
our whole lives ahead of us?

Max, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I stink
as a waiter.

This is desperate.

Well, desperate times
call for us making out.

Hey, I have
a question for you.

Your skin is
so creamy and white.

You must have
a little Irish in you.

I've had a lot
of little Irishes in me.

That's meant
to be dirty, right?

Well, I just mean that I think
you're quite beautiful.

Oh, well, then I just mean
we're doing it.

I did not think
there was somebody

who had a prettier nose
or was worse than me

waiting tables,
but here we are.

Nashit, there's not a fork
in the mix out there.

Now, get out there
and fork those women.

Take it easy on him.

I don't him to be
all forked out

by the time
he gets to me.

I'm gonna have so much sex
on my bed with Nashit

that I'm gonna need
a new sheet.

Aren't you
too old for him?

Yeah, but that test
said mentally I'm 14,

so we can
totally do it.

Well, I'm off to Chinatown
to have someone

put needles in me.

Oh, my God.
I love your coat.

You look gorgeous.

I mean,
the way it flows.

Okay, so I can see
you're a kiss-ass,

so here's the thing.

As my quasi-manager,

or whatever nonsense
you're telling people,

I need you to tell
Max and Nashit to cool it.

There are no hookups
here at The High.

Done, and we can stop
staying "quasi"

if we're both on board
with the manager thing.

We're not.

The High is
about fine pastry,

not someone's
sordid love life.

And in an ironic twist,
I need you to kick

my girlfriend's
hot ass out of here

if she comes in.

Here's $100.

That's $100.

Consider her hot ass
out the door.

We're in a fight.

She got drunk,
stole my Black Card,

and bought 90 people soup
at Barney Greengrass,

and the soup isn't
even good there.

Do not take this as a no,
because I want the money,

but why can't you
just tell her yourself?

I can't
tell her myself.

She's younger than me,
and everyone knows

the mommy thing
just isn't sexy.

Make sure she eats something
and gets home safe.

Caroline, I have
a question for you.

What do I do with the notes
the women give me?

You've gotten notes?

Just a few.

[gasps]

How could women
be this desperate?

Max, this one's
from you.

They're mostly
all from me,

except the business card.

I don't need
no damn card

to let him know
I'm all business.

Max, Joe just told me there are
no hookups at The High,

and judging from this
very detailed picture you drew,

that's exactly
what you're planning.

Oh, I was planning more.
I just ran out of paper.

We can't lose
these jobs.

I have two $100 bills,
and I'm this close

to pulling the trigger
on an Amazon Prime account.

Amazon Prime?

You have been driven mad
with power.

Fresh, flakey pastry.

And speaking of flakes,

there's Joe's
flakey girlfriend.

Can someone help me
get my chair off my coat?

How did she
get in here?

Probably floated in
on a cloud of Valium.

It's go time,
as in she's got to go.

You have a better chance
moving an actual train wreck,

but good luck.

- Allie, hi, you--
- Shh.

[whispering]
Allie, hi.

- You need--
- Sorry.

But I am hungover,
and I have a headache.

Could I get a latte
with a side of weed?

No, because
this isn't Amsterdam

or Bill Maher's house.

Now, you need
to leave.

You know Joe
doesn't want you in here.

Well, I'm
not leaving.

My legs won't move

because my muscle relaxers
just kicked in.

John, can you
do me a favor?

Walk Allie outside,

and by that,
I mean pick her up

and carry her outside.

I went
to pastry school.

I'm not Shrek.

Of course not.
You're much more Fiona.

Girl, that's good.

I was gonna say the donkey,
'cause I have a fine ass.

(Allie)
Okay, fine.

Driver, two stops.
Barney's and fro-yo.

(Max)
Earl, we're late again.
Did you keep us alive?

Max, I can barely
keep myself alive.

This morning,
I had to jump-start my heart

by putting my finger
in the socket

Tom and Jerry style.

Oh, hello.

So what did
you girls do today?

I haven't seen you
since right here last night.

Oh, really, Han?

'Cause I swear
I saw you lurking around

outside The High.

It was either you,

or Pikachu
is visiting New York.

That one
barely grazed me,

because I'm Korean,

and Pikachu
is Japanese.

You don't know anything
about Pokemon.

Han, you may not
be Japanese,

but in the future,
you're definitely

gonna be poked
by a mon.

And it was you.

No, it was not.

- Yeah, it was.
- Wasn't.

- Was.
- Wasn't.

- Wasn't.
- Was--wasn't.

English is
my second language.

Admit it,
you're jealous

we're spending time
with another restaurant.

I am not jealous.

- Are so.
- Am not.

- Am not.
- Are so--not.

Oh, my God!

Caroline, what the hell
are you doing?

I'm smelling
a $100 bill.

It's from
my other restaurant.

It buys me
nice things.

Jealous?

I took you in
when you had no one.

Hi, can you
help me?

I'm looking for Max.

Why, hello.
Is it too late to be gay?

Nashit?

Oh, my God,
he even looks good here

in morgue light.

We are
so doing it.

Caroline, you left
your phone on the table

at the restaurant.

I confess,
I used it as an excuse

to come
and see Max.

This isn't mine.
It's Joe's girlfriend's.

I don't have
an iPhone 6.

I have an iPhone sick.

D-O-I-N-G it!

Max, why
is Nashit here?

Because God owes me.

You can't seriously
be into him.

He looks like
someone in a boy band.

Yeah, and he's going
one direction...

Down there.

But if you sleep
with him,

then Nashit
is gonna hit the fan.

How do you know
you even like him?

You know what I like?
That we're doing it.

Hey, everybody!

I just got hit
by a cab,

and, boy, am I in the mood
for crab legs.

The thing
about you, baby--

you bounce back
from a good pounding

every single night.

Wait a minute.

That's my booth.

Oh, it's lovely
to meet you.

What?

What the hell
kind of accent is that?

I'm from Ireland.

What?

Max, you are
not doing it.

- Are.
- Not.

- Are.
- Not.

- Not.
- Please, I went to Wharton.

Look, we should go
to your place when we do it

so that Caroline won't be there
while we're doing it.

Lovely, but I just came
to America two days ago.

I have no place to go.

In fact, I've been sleeping
on that dirty chair

Joe spoke of.

What?

Is he singing?

Oh, my God.

He's gorgeous
and homeless?

That's your
dream guy.

We are so doing it!

Ugh, this is
impossible.

I feel like I'm putting
an Oscar dress on Precious.

I'm making up
the couch for Nashit.

That is so nice of you.

He's gonna need a place
to crash after we have sex.

No, that's
off the table.

I can't believe
you invited him to stay here.

And I can't believe
you refused

to sleep at Starbucks tonight
to give us some privacy.

I mean, you like
Nora Jones.

[whistling]

Max likey.

- Max, listen.
- No, you listen.

I can't afford candy,
so he has got to be it.

Thanks for the shower.

Oh, no, his muscles
point to his penis.

[knock at door]

Max, stop
with the banging.

I'm not letting you out
while you're still in heat.

(Max)
It's not me.

I'm making a list
of ways to kill you!

I feel like
I'm being a bother,

and I think I'm sleeping
on a bong.

[knock at door]

(Joe)
Open up.

I know what's going on
in there.

(Caroline)
Oh, my God.

That's Joe.

She must've found out
about you and Max hooking up.

(Nashit)
Oh, no.

Max, Joe is here.

You need to do
that thing you do

to scare people
out of the hallway.

What do we think,
guard dog

or little old lady
with poor eyesight

and loaded gun?

[Max imitating dog barking]

Fine, I'm going.

This is why
I never leave Manhattan.

Hey, you need to get
in the girls' apartment?

I have a key.

Find it here
in my big bag.

I know it's
in here somewhere.

Well, I got
the lip balm.

I got--Oh, look,
I got the Holy Bible.

I got--

Oh, look.
Oh, the DirecTV remote.

Oh, my God,
I'm losing estrogen.

Max, you and Nashit
go hide in your room,

but no sex.

You heard her,
no sex,

so everything but,
and I mean everything,

and I mean but.

Oh, here it is.
It's right--

It was right under the cold cuts
the whole time.

(Joe)
Caroline.

Hey.
Hi, Joe.

Oh!

Yeah.

Ha!

Yeah, the shorter hair
makes sense now.

(Sophie)
Yeah.

Good for you,
Caroline.

I hope you like
long, boring stories.

Okay, where's Allie?
I know she's here.

I put a spy app
on her phone,

and I'm not proud of it,
but I'm a jealous woman.

Oh, her phone.
I have it.

She left it at The High
when I threw her ass out today

per your instructions.

I don't know
how I thought this thing

was gonna work out
to begin with.

We met at Coachella.

We were both on Molly,
this intensely hot

Filipino girl.

- Shh, shh.
- I'm hearing sexual sounds.

And hints of secret shame
coming from the bedroom.

- Allie is here.
- No, no one's here.

That's just
our white noise machine.

I'm shocked.
You're not even her type.

Your lips are like
two flair-pen marks.

[Nashit laughs]

That's hot.

Please
don't fire Nashit!

The Dr. Seuss hats
were my idea.

We were playing
Hop on Pop.

I was Pop.

I didn't even know
there was a boy in there.

I only saw you.

Okay, since there are
no hookups at The High,

if you don't stop sleeping
with him immediately,

my new manager...

[clicks tongue]

Caroline here
is gonna have to kick

his beautiful butt
to the curb.

But I was
mid-doing-it!

Honey, there's
a real funky smell in here.

I got to get out
of here.

PS, this is where
you live?

Take another $100.

Earl, hi.

What kind of mood
is Max in?

Pretty good.

On the Max scale,
she's below slightly drunk

but above punching
a customer out.

Oh, good.

I was worried
she'd be mad at me

'cause I had to get rid
of her boy toy.

Caroline, I'd put
my hearing aids back in

if I wanted
to hear a story.

Guess what I have
for you in my purse.

The tampon
I asked for last week?

No, and again,
so sorry about that.

Really dropped
that ball.

Gummy worms.

Yes, I took away
your man candy,

but I got you these,
the hot ones that you like

from the good candy store
with the sneeze guards.

[gasps]

Fancy.

And don't worry
about Nashit.

I got him
another job.

Hot worm!

Clean glasses
coming through.

Nice rack.

Now I know why guys
like saying that to me.

There he is!

There's
the new employee.

(Caroline)
Han, I can't believe
you would hire someone

just 'cause Max
asked you to.

This has nothing
to do with Max or you.

The boy here
said something to me

that you two
couldn't understand.

What's that, sir?

That I was
a hard worker?

That's it!
Yes!

Manna from heaven.

I actually have
an employee who works.

Jealous?

Now, this job,
I can do.

You know, growing up,
I had five brothers and sisters,

and since I was
the least attractive,

I had to clean
all the dishes.

Meet you
in the dish room, Nashit.

Max, what
are you doing?

There may not be
hookups at The High,

but there are hookups
here at our lowest low,

and we are doing it.

Caroline likey.