2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 8 - And the 'It' Hole - full transcript

Thank you.

That was, like,
our tenth gay guy tonight.

Let's hope our gay buzz lasts
longer than Adam Lambert’s.

Oh, it will.
I'm all over it.

And by "it," I mean
I'm all over grindr.

Max, why are you
on that app?

You're not a gay man
looking for anonymous sex.

Don't put me in a box!

You told me to find ways
to drum up business.

Well, I'm drumming it up
by showing off this guy's "bid'ness."

I pretended to be a rough and ready Puerto
Rican guy who still likes to cuddle.

That there's gay chum,
my friend.

Ooh, I hooked a big one.
Get the net.

Hi. Was a muscular
Puerto Rican guy just here?

When is there not?

Would you like to purchase
a delicious cupcake while you wait?

Well, maybe,
while I wait.

My phone says
he's right here.

Here, this is on the house, because
the muscular gay guy, that's him.

It's cool
that you're transitioning,

but you really should let people
know you're not Puerto Rican.

Well.... He said he was 22
and butch, so I'm mad too.

Season 3, Episode 8
"And the 'It' Hole"

Earl, I need my checks
for tonight.

- Beautiful?
- Check.

- Sexy?
- Check.

- Cool?
- Check.

Sorry I'm late.

I was ten minutes early
for my shift,

so I thought "well,
I have 20 minutes to kill,"

and I wandered
into this cool surf shop

and saw this guy
polishing a surfboard.

A surfer here?

You don't hang ten in Williamsburg,
you hang yourself.

I'm with Max, the only waves we get in
Brooklyn are heat waves and crime waves.

- Earl, you never go out to the beach?
- You crazy?

I'm ain't gonna get eaten by some shark.
Ain't nobody got time for that.

The chances of you being bit
by a shark are, like, .0001%.

Not if you're black.

Sharks are racist as hell.

That's why they call them
"great whites."

Marc, the surfer, and I
really hit it off,

and he is so cute, like a young Matthew
McConaughey, but with real hair.

So nothing like
Matthew McConaughey.

I hope he texts me.
I love surfing.

I never go in the water, 'cause I know if
I start drowning, I'm not gonna fight it.

When I used to summer in St. Barths,
there'd be these sexy Italian surfers,

and they'd invite us
to sunbathe on their boards.

I mean, they robbed us,
but it was amazing.

Caroline, if you're looking
for that kind of guy,

I have a cousin
who loves the water.

It's the only place
he can move his legs.

- Oh, sweet. No thanks.
- Well, think about it.

You'll be at the front row
of every concert,

and he doesn't move around a lot
when he sleeps.

Here, give old Ironside
my number.

What? I love music,
and if he bugs me,

the city has one of those
free vans that'll take him home.

It's the surfer
asking me out to dinner!

And he thinks he can get us into the hot,
new spot, Harlow and Daughters.

Oh, that's that trendy
restaurant that replaced

a perfectly good
hot dog on a stick.

Good night,
broke-ass divas.

Good night,
Brokeback waiter.

I'm gonna go
get a massage,

and then, who knows?
Maybe give one.

Oh, who am I kidding?
I'm coming back here pregnant.

- Luis, can you work for me tomorrow?
- Absolutely not, no.

Oleg's working, and I'll ask him
to wear his fishnet tank top.

Then yes.

Dinner with a cute guy who has
connections to the "A"-list place?

I'm living my old life.

Hey, everybody.

Did your old life
have one of these?

Caroline, what is
my number-one diner rule?

Don't tell anyone
the meat isn't real?

Shh. Come on.
If you can see it, it's real.

Don't tell anyone you buy the shrimp
out of your friend's trunk?

He lays down a blanket!
No.

No phones.

Max, he got us
the reservation!

I'm going to dinner
at the new "it" place.

Ooh, the "it" place!

"Let's have dinner
at the 'it' place."

How come this isn't
the "it" place?

This isn't an "it" place.
It's more of an "it" hole.

Okay, so how do we
become an "it" place?

First, burn the place down,
start fresh.

Then you create hype by making it
impossible to get a reservation.

You basically refuse
to let anyone in.

Can I be the first?

Okay, I've put my date purse
together.

I've got my gum, my gloss, and a $20
bill to make it seem like I have money,

which I will return to the register
at the diner tomorrow.

Well, you're welcome
to use my date purse.

It's a Ziploc with a cigar
and a change of boxers.

And my phone
is fully charged,

so I can call an uber car
to take me home.

An uber car?

You can't afford
a fancy town car.

Yesterday, you used
an English muffin to exfoliate.

Yeah, and then I ate it.

Plus, it's on our
joint credit card,

which means every time
you make a dumb purchase,

you owe me a joint.

I don't want to have him take me
home and give him the wrong idea.

Oh, please do give him
the wrong idea.

Stay out all night
with the surfer.

Ride his half-pipe.

That's not surfboard,
that's snowboard.

Perfect, 'cause I'm snow-bored
with this conversation.

What do you think?
These things on full display?

I hate to be that roommate, but I didn't
say you could borrow my breasts.

What? It's just a push-up bra, chicken
cutlets, a little tissue, and some tape.

You know, natural.

Just go on your date
already!

Nancy and I have been really
looking forward to you leaving

so we can walk around naked
and do some lines of cat nip.

Ooh, that must be him.
Don't worry, he's not coming inside.

He better not,
cause we can't afford a baby.

- Oh, it's just Sophie.
- "Just Sophie"?

That was the name
of my talk show in Poland.

Oh, how I wish I could have been
a guest on that show.

No, there were no guests.
It was just Sophie!

Oh, you getting ready
for your big date, Caroline?

How did you
hear about my date?

Oh, well,
your voice travels.

Yeah, I hear everything
that does and doesn't happen

down here
and down there, so...

So let's just say I'm very glad
that you're going on a date.

Oh, and I got you
a little present.

Cinnamon mints,
for your first kiss.

Oh, that's so sweet, Sophie.

Yeah, and I got you
a big grab bag of condoms.

I got all sizes.

I got magnums,
I got super magnums,

I got regular, and...

"He's got
a great personality."

Here you go.

Usually, a "great personality" is
the only birth control I need.

Thank you,
but I am a lady,

and I won't be needing these
until our third date.

Well, you better hurry up
and get dressed.

Sophie,
I'm already dressed.

You are?

And I like
what I'm wearing.

You do?

Well, just put on
a little makeup.

I'm fully made up.

You are?

Oh, well, you know,
maybe when you do your hair.

Okay, I'm a little behind
on my hair.

My boobs were a bigger project
than I thought.

And I like what I'm wearing,
and I don't have time to change

'cause he's already
20 minutes late.

20 minutes late?

Wahh-wahh.

That's a no-show.

You've just got stood up.
You got stood up somethin' awful.

I did not get stood up.
I've never been stood up.

In fact, I wouldn't even know
if I was being stood up,

because that's how little
I know about being stood up.

Am I being stood up?

No, you are not.
Guys are always late.

I once waited
three days for a guy.

But he showed up
with the ransom money,

and you don't see me
living in a fridge anymore.

Okay, fine.

Nobody got stood up.

So I'll just sit here
and text while we wait...

You know, forever.

And then, finally,
when it dawns on you,

we can call our friend Oleg,
and he can go put a hit on him.

You know what, maybe he thought
we were meeting there.

I'm calling the restaurant
to see...

Yes, hi, has a Marc Faison
checked in yet?

He has not.

What about now?

It's just that he
was supposed...

Well, I'm busy too.

Don't be so snooty, you used
to be a hot dog on a stick.

Just a heads up, if he doesn't show,
I'm still getting naked.

Ooh, there he is!

No, it's from Amazon.

Someone's sending me a copy
of He's Just Not That Into You.

Yeah,
I'm here for you, girl.

Well, I got stood up.

Remember where you are, Max.

This was the day
Caroline Channing got stood up.

Well, screw him
for standing you up.

And from now on, never trust a guy
who surfs anything besides porn.

Oh, look,
Harlow and Daughters

has a real old-timey,
general store kind of vibe.

I guess they take "Throwback Thursday"
really seriously here.

I mean, it's 1840.

Yeah, I wanted to take you back
to a time before you were stood up.

Thank you for making me
take the reservation, Max.

I mean, otherwise, I was just gonna
get in bed and be depressed.

You were in bed
and you were depressed.

Don't rewrite history
just 'cause these folks have.

I mean, we are
smack in the belly

of Williamsburg ironic chic,
and I want to smack it.

Look, they even have a country
clothesline hung with baby clothes.

We should get this for Han.

I mean, that is the most
pretentious thing I've ever seen.

Hi, welcome to Harlow and Daughters.
I'm the host, Brian-Brian.

No, that is.

Yes, hi, um, Brian-Brian.

We have a reservation.
Faison, party of two.

Is your whole party here?

Well, I don't know how whole I could
ever hope to be, as I'm illegitimate.

Yes, we're both here.
Thank you.

So both you and Mr. Faison
are here?

Yes, I'm transitioning.
Ask around.

You can have a drink, and I'll call you
when your table is ready.

Thank you, thank you,
Brian-Brian.

I'll be right over.

Go use your new boobs
to get us a seat at the bar.

Hi, I know what
"wait by the bar" means.

I've been working in restaurants
since your clothes were in style.

- It means I'll seat you when your...
- Brian-Brian, Bri-Bri, B.B., come on.

You and I both know
there's no guy coming.

My friend got stood up, so
please don't make things worse.

Just take out your cool, little
hunting knife and cut us some slack.

This is where I'd tip you
with cash or offer you sex,

but I'm kinda broke and you're
kinda gay, so just be nice.

We don't really need to bring
my sexuality into it.

I understand, it's hard
to be out 100 years ago.

Oh, funny.

Right this way,
Mr. Faison.

Wow, that was quick.
They're so nice here.

Yep, just regular folks, sitting
around designer pickle barrels.

All right, here's your table.
Have a seat.

Sure, where? On these Amish birthing
stools we're all calling chairs?

Stick to the gay jokes.

Our Wi-Fi password
is on the ox hide.

Your waitress will be
right over.

Max, a waitress will be right over,
and it won't be us.

Look,
dirty sawdust floors.

If we got a bag of wood chips, our
apartment could be the new "it" place.

Hello, my name is York.

Hard to believe, but a man named
Brian-Brian has been dethroned.

York? That's fun.
"York" as in "New"?

York as in York.
Just York.

So what's this bit?

Okay. Well, um, York, we'd like
to start with some drinks.

Having a girls' night out.
All the single ladies put ya hands up!

Yeah, you can't force it.

Our special libation this evening
is "The Small Pox."

It's absinthe, cloves,
orange bitters

hand-muddled
in a mason jar.

Was that drink
directed by Wes Anderson?

Can we just get two of your "ye olde"
cheapest beers as soon as possible?

Because Dr. Quinn,
I need some medicine, woman.

York, does the special soup
have any garlic?

- Oh, my God, no way!
- What? Is someone making soap?

No.
No garlic?

You still think
the surfer's coming.

Well, he might.

See, I was supposed to have
a date with this guy...

You don't care.
So, the soup?

Actually, I'm just
taking drink orders right now.

Wow, who loved you?

Eh, I'm guessing
she never went

to a father/daughter dance
with her mom's weed dealer.

You don't know, Max.
Maybe he lost his phone

and he didn't have my number,
so he's on his way running here.

You think he's just
gonna rush in soaking wet

and be like, "Oh, I'm so sorry.
The traffic was terrible.

The waves were
bumper-to-bumper."

This is not
a Katherine Heigl movie.

Sorry, "movie."

Fine, he's not coming.

And I'm not getting into
the Katie Heigl thing.

Not here, not now.
Let's just enjoy our acorns.

Ooh, "blocked number."
Maybe it's him. Hello?

Hang up.
He's not coming.

Our drinks are right there.

I can see them over yonder,
on ye olde bar.

It's been an hour, where is
our waitress, Lizzie Borden?

Probably in the back deciding
which words to pronounce weirdly.

I'm starving.
Bust out those chicken cutlets.

No wonder they don't have
any bad yelp reviews.

No one's ever
tasted their food.

Hi.
Um, our drinks?

And did you ask the chef
about the soup?

You know,
I haven't had a minute.

She hasn't had a minute?

What's she been doing,
dancing with wolves?

I mean, have you ever?

I know, can you even?

Byron and I have been here
forever,

and have yet to see our
dandelion chickpea foie-gras.

He's hypoglycemic
and I'm Lila.

And I'm pissed.
I'm getting our drinks.

- Would you get us some wine?
- Oh, sure, what kind?

A chardonnay for me, and Byron
will have a sauvignon blanc.

- Max, no, they'll kick us out and...
- And what? What, Caroline?

You won't be here
when "he arrives?"

Dear Lord,
the man is not coming!

I know that, Max, and he's
not coming because he died.

He died, that's the only reason
I can accept.

What's up?
How we all doin' tonight?

Not so good. My girlfriend
just broke up with me.

Oh, yeah?
You like blondes?

'Cause I got one
who's ready to pop.

No, man,
I'm into Asian chicks.

Yeah, who isn't?
Except for Asian guys.

Hey, do me a favor,
just wait a minute,

and then come over to my table
and flirt with my friend.

Why would I do that?

On the house.

Is that the "dandelion chickpea
and other things

that don't belong
in a dish together" thing?

All right,
your dandelion chickpea,

a chardonnay,
and a sauvignon blanc. Enjoy.

What do you think
you're doing?

Waiting on tables.
Look into it.

York, York, don't be mad.
Byron was starving and we're thirsty.

Don't kick us out, we're
too weak to go anywhere else.

The soup has garlic.

Oh, then no.
The salmon, please.

Bring her the damn soup, she
ain't kissing nobody tonight.

And I'll have the free-range chicken
that thought it had a chance.

For your help.
Byron wants you to have it.

Well, Byron is the only real
old-fashioned thing in here.

I hope you both
survive the winter.

Hey, can I join you?

Ooh, I think that
"can I join you?" was to you.

Oh, sure, have a seat.

You're pretty.
You have a good body.

Wow, thank you.

That's actually
kind of nice to hear,

because this
is hard to believe,

but I got stood up tonight,

and it kind of
makes me feel good

when you say I'm pretty
and I have a good body.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm on tinder.
It's the straight grindr.

I just got a hit.
Well, I'm out.

Thanks for the drink.

You paid a guy
to say I'm pretty?

And then he blew me off?

Oh, my God. I just realized
something upsetting.

What, that we could be enjoying
delicious hot dogs on sticks right now?

- No, I'm a "B."
- No, you're an "A."

That bra just makes
you look like a "B."

No, I mean me, as a woman.
I'm a "B."

You know, all this time,
I kinda thought I was an "A,"

but maybe I'm just a "B."

That's why he walked away
and why the surfer stood me up.

Caroline, I really want
to be here for you right now,

but I gotta get a gin fizz
to the prospector in the corner.

Max, am I a "B"?
Why didn't he come?

All I know about that surfer
is that he is a "D"

followed by three
other letters.

I'd spell it out for you, but I'm
literally afraid I'd get it wrong.

Interesting that you
didn't say I wasn't a "B."

Look, I don't give myself
letters in life.

To me, it is clearly
a pass/fail situation.

And you're sitting up,

not drooling on yourself,
so pass.

Well, well, well, where have
you ladies been all night?

I don't know, I'd say somewhere
between 1846 and 1860.

And it is so great
to be back in 1974.

Well, Han, you did a good job
of making this place exclusive.

There is literally
nobody here.

It wasn't my doing, there was
a possum in the men's room.

Correction, there is
a possum in the men's room.

Oh, the ingredients
are escaping the kitchen again?

Well, I gotta go to the men's room
and pull out the possum.

Oh, is that what you do
when we're not here?

All right,
let's sit down

in that authentically run-down
old booth and eat something.

Yeah, see, those stains
aren't fake, that's real blood.

I was right here
when that guy got stabbed.

Like I said at the time, "call me 'honey'
one more time, and I will stab you."

You know what I just
realized?

Even if I am a "B,"
at least I'm an authentic "B."

I don't pretend
to be something I'm not.

You do kind of pretend
to be something you're not.

A "B."

Finally,
I have some customers.

You know, I've been sitting in the back
watching Oleg shuck his corn all night?

Thank you.

Now, Luis knows
how to give service.

Come on, chica, don't set me up
like that, it's too easy.

Max, I think I'm gonna
let go of letter-grading myself

and adopt
your pass/fail system.

And sitting with you right here
is so not a fail.

Oh, it's just
Oleg and Sophie.

Oh, my God!
You looked 'cause you thought

it was gonna be the surfer!
Epic fail!

Hey, what are you two
doing together?

Oh, Sophie and I had
some business to take care of.

Right, Sophie?

Oh, yeah.
Caroline, we got your back.

That Mike won't be out there
surfing again for quite a while.

The surfer's name isn't Mike.
It's Marc.

No wonder he kept screaming,
"My name is not Marc!"

Well, I'll tell you
one thing,

we may have seen
a lot of fake things tonight,

but that's a
for-real possum.

Wow, Han's possum is bigger
than I thought it would be.