2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 9 - And the Pastry Porn - full transcript

Stealing Han's dishes, so we don't
have to clean ours at home is genius.

And a little sad.

You kidding? This is the greatest
thing that's happened to me

since I got my
period this morning.

Max, Caroline,
you're stealing my dishes?

Damn it, I didn't think
you could see up this high.

And I didn't think
you could sink this low.

Okay, stop, you're already
robbing me blind

with your
"I'm a waitress" scam.

Sorry, but things have gotten
kind of messy at home.

Yesterday, I had to take a shower
to shower off the shower I took.

You two should get
a cleaning lady.

I have a woman I pay
to clean my apartment.

She is expensive,
but she may charge you less

if you don't also
have sex on her.

I'll look into it.

My grandmother cleaned the house
free of charge.

Of course she didn't have
a say in the matter.

Let's just ask Sophie.
She has a cleaning service.

We have to do something.

Yesterday, I saw a roach
walk out of our apartment.

Look.

I'm gonna tell you
what I told that guy

who asked me to use my butt
to smuggle opium.

I'll do it!

Season 3, Episode 9
"And the Pastry Porn"

Be ready, Max.

We have to leave as soon as
the cleaning lady gets here.

It's housekeeper etiquette.

In my old life, I go to spin
class and lunch with friends,

but you and I
will just go outside

and watch the guy who just got out
of jail do pull-ups on the light post.

Calvin's out?

I'm not gonna leave.

I want to watch her
clean up my mess.

Yeah, baby.

I've waited my whole life
to have a servant.

I thought you were gonna be it
for the first few weeks

and then I realized
you can't do anything.

And even though Sophie
gave us a discount,

the maid still has to call me
"Your Highness."

Mostly because I'm pretty
"highness" right now.

Hi, girls.

Here I am.

Sophie from Sophie's Choice
Cleaning Service.

Meet your cleaning lady
Paulina.

Paulina,
meet the girls.

She'd shake hands,
but she only has one arm.

Sophie, she can hear you.

So what?
I know I'm missing arm.

It's not news.

So she lost an arm.

I lost my gold earring
down the garbage disposal

but I was too afraid
to reach into it

because, well, yeah.

Don't worry.

I have one arm but I clean
like I have three.

I put on more makeup,
then I start.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize
when I ordered a cleaning lady

I had to specify
I wanted one with two arms.

You can't afford two arms.

You said you wanted
a good price.

Half the arms,
half the price.

Is that how she lost
the arm, Sophie?

You cut it off
so we could get a discount?

Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, I sawed off
her arm so I could save you 10 bucks.

I start in bedroom.

Wait, before you do,
one question.

How'd you lose it?
James Franco situation?

You had to cut it off
to get loose?

You're not saying no.

Oh, you know what,
let's not go there.

You know, it happened,
it was in the past.

I was trapped
under this big truck.

We get it.

I drove over your arm.

Hey, don't even bother looking
for my good jewelry in there

because I'm already
wearing all of it.

Oh, I'm jealous I don't have arm
to wear cheap jewelry.

Max, I feel bad for her. See?
This is why you leave.

In case they show up with too
much makeup and not enough arms.

Relax, she's tough.
Reminds me of a young me.

Which means I better go
hide my pills from her.

Max, she scares me.

Oh, come on, she's armless.

Everything okay?
You need any help?

I didn't get this far in this
business by taking help.

Help me! Can't you see
I got one arm?

Not gonna be a problem.

I would occasionally
help my maid...

- You're not interested.
- Lift!

Lift, weak girl.
Lift.

Max, come here. We need help
lifting your mattress.

Can you give us a hand?

No! Leave it alone! Leave it alone!
Don't lift up the mattress!

Ah, porno.

Your mind is as dirty
as your apartment!

Yes, it's porn. So what?
What's the big deal?

It's just the body in its natural form,
spread-eagle on a motorcycle.

Why is so much of it
from the '80s?

I like mustaches, okay?

And it's multitasking.
I'm looking for my father.

Stop looking.
Stop looking right now.

Why are you suddenly embarrassed?
Porn hub is your homepage.

Hey, is this a brochure
for pastry school?

Why are you hiding
a pastry school brochure?

Your face is
a pastry school brochure!

Max, it's great you're
interested in pastry school.

- I don't know why you're embarrassed.
- Your face is embarrassed!

Come on, I really think that
this is something we should talk about.

Your face is something
we should talk about!

You made the scary one mad.

That was dumb move.

Your face was a dumb move!

Max?

Max, you never came home after you stormed
out, so I brought you your uniform.

Max?

I live here now.

My new roommates,
the broom and the mop,

don't sneak around
looking at my stuff.

I got everything I need.

Whiskey, toothbrush,
toothpaste.

Well, maybe your
new broommate

will hold back your hair
when you drink too much.

Which, from the looks of it,
will be in about an hour.

Max, we really need
to talk about this brochure.

Look, just because I have
a pastry school brochure

doesn't mean I'm actually
gonna go to pastry school.

Just like having
those porn magazines

doesn't mean I'm actually
gonna ride around on a tiger

performing unspeakable acts
with sailors, probably.

Pastry school
is the same as porn.

It's just a dumb fantasy.

Pastry school is not
like porn.

There is nothing in this brochure
about a girl-on-girl croissant.

That's good toothpaste.

Please stop brushing your teeth.
We have a shift to do later.

Okay, the Manhattan
school of pastry...

Your face is the Manhattan
school of pastry.

You know it isn't.

Max, you could
go here for real.

Tuition is only $3,000 a year.
A lot, but doable.

"A lot but doable?"

Are we talking about pastry
school or fat guy at last call?

Here we are, Max.
Your dream starts now.

What, the one where
I'm a black mermaid?

Would you relax? We're just gonna
look around and get an application.

See all that gorgeous equipment
you get to use if you went here?

Finally you'd have a mixing bowl
that's not a hollowed-out watermelon.

Can you help me? She's holding me
against my will.

She's kidding.

If you keep this up, young lady,
you are not getting ice cream after.

Fine!

- Come on, here's the office.
- Whatever. Are we almost done here?

I got a court date later.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm not sure we're
in the right place.

Are any of us, really?

We'd like an application.
Could you help us?

Oh, God, I hope so.

I wasn't expecting something this
high-pressure my first day back.

Let's just say I've been under
observation at the nuthouse.

Okay, application.

It's for Max, here. She was
very impressed by your brochure.

Oh, pastry school.
Exciting, right?

I was a chef here once.
And then I wasn't.

Oh, look.
Found the application.

Wow. Really didn't think I was
gonna be able to handle that.

Bebe, if you...

Oh. Bonjour. Good morning.

Chef Nicolas, these girls
are here for an application.

Don't worry, I handled it.
Almost didn't, then I did.

Nice work, Bebe.

Oh, do I detect
a French accent? Oui?

Oh, my God,
I can't watch.

French, indeed.
I'm chef Nicolas Saintcroix,

owner and head chef.
Bienvenue.

Caroline Channing.

Is it over yet?

This is Max.
The application's for her.

'Sup, Frenchie?
You eat snails?

It looks like Bebe
forgot the second page.

Oh, boy, forgot the second page.
That's not good.

I thought I handled it.
Didn't handle it.

It's okay, Bebe.
Breathe in.

Breathe out.

That's good stuff.

She was quite brilliant.

Then she wasn't.

Here. Fill that out.
And the next step is the pastry exam.

Applicants will have to
make a classic tart,

bring them in tomorrow
for me to taste,

and we will go from there.
Sound good?

Whatever.
Maybe I'll think about it.

Okay, well, maybe you will.
Nice meeting you both.

Hope to see you tomorrow, chef.

He called me chef!

- Yay! Let's go get ice cream!
- No!

You should get started on that tart.
It's due tomorrow.

I got plenty of time. Besides,
pressure ups my game.

I perform my best
when there's a gun to my head.

Ask any of my ex-boyfriends.

This is so not
how I prepare for tests.

I studied three weeks
for a pap smear.

Don't worry, I got this.

A tart's just like a cookie
with some pudding on it, right?

Max, what is
going on in here?

Turns out a tart's more than a
cookie with some pudding on it!

You've been in here six hours.
You said you had this.

I thought I had this! Turns out I don't!
I haven't even finished a shell.

I didn't know there was a shell.
Did you know there was a shell?

Everybody knows
there's a shell!

What the shell
is wrong with you?

I'm a tart
who can't make a tart!

You could've made
nine shells by now.

I did.
They're all in here. Look.

It's like Shell-mageddon!

Oh, screw it. This one's
gonna be there in a minute.

Let's just get it over with.

No, you can do this. Here. Here.
This still looks ready to go.

Look at me. Look at me.
I'm a waste of two arms.

I can't make a tart!

How's the tart coming?

Han, you're not safe.
Leave.

You haven't even finished the shell?
That's the easiest part!

Han, this is your face.

Well, I should get going.

I didn't know she could
take bitch to the next level.

I am so screwed!

I finally found a situation
my boobs can't get me out of!

Hey, Max. Now, I have all
the faith in the world in you.

But here's a tart from Stop 'n Shop
in case you wanted to hand this one in.

No, Earl.
Max is not a cheater.

Since when?

She is going to make
her own tart.

You, out.

I am never gonna make this shell.
I can't even get it in the pan right.

Max, that looks right.

Oh, my God! I got it in the pan right!
I can do this!

You did it! I knew it!
I helped you. We're besties.

You're not safe. Leave.

I'm telling you, Max, I've tasted
a lot of tarts, and yours is delicious.

You are not the first man
to tell me that.

The first man
to tell me that is in jail.

Here he comes. Look at him.
Here he comes.

Afternoon, ladies.

Bien fondue,
Eiffel Tower.

Okay.

Thank you for coming.
Shall we begin the tasting?

This is exciting, huh?

Keep it in your pants.

And now for the tart.

It's Max's first ever.

I ate a slice earlier
and it was like

having a little piece of heaven.

Don't do anything
you're doing.

It's flaky, creamy...

For a first attempt,
I am very impressed.

Don't be. I made a tart.

It's not like I cured herpes

or invented a reverse microwave
to instantly chill sodas.

Okay, Max.

I will talk it over with my faculty
and we will let you know.

I'll let you know.

Nailed that.

Max!

Stop stealing my things!
You got a cleaning lady!

Relax.
I am returning what I took.

Here's your plates.

Oh, and here's your ATM card.
I lifted it from your wallet.

Oh, and here's your wallet.

There was $40 in here.

There sure was.

At least give me back
my gift card from Sephora.

Caroline, Han wants
his Sephora gift card back.

Oh, that's not happening.
It's already on my face.

- Max, look, it's from the pastry school.
- Whoo-hoo! My acceptance letter!

Lot of people talking about
my chili in that bathroom.

Oleg, come here.
Han, Earl, stay.

You guys are about
to owe me big.

I am gonna let you witness
something extremely rare.

More rare than a sighting of
Bigfoot or a UFO or Han's penis.

You held me here
so I could hear that?

Behold, the rarest
sight of them all.

You are about to see something
good actually happen to me.

Listen to this.

"Dear Ms. Black,
after careful consideration

"of our large pool of applicants,
we regret to inform you..."

Oh, I guess I didn't get in.

Looking back, we probably
should have insisted

she read that to herself,
first.

I know why she didn't get in.
Her name.

They saw the word "Black"
and stopped reading.

That's why I didn't
get into law school.

I also didn't apply.

This is terrible.
I'm gonna go see if she's okay.

Who does that French frog
think he is?

He thinks he can have the time
of his life tasting my tart

and then never see me again?

He won't let me
into his school?

Well, I won't take no
for an answer.

I am going down there right now

and giving him
a piece of my mind.

I am storming out.

And I am storming back in.

It is dark outside.
That school's not open.

Hey, you. Tart tease,
we need a word.

Oh, boy.

What? You love
my pastries

and then regret to inform me I'm
not good enough for your school?

Well, I regret to inform you
that I am good enough

and I want to know why
you won't let me in here.

Okay, uh, your voice
is an anxiety trigger for me.

I'm going to have to remove myself from
the situation and go sit in the hallway.

Can you come with me? You have
a very calming presence.

Thank you. So few people
think that about me.

But I should stay with Max.

No, I got this handled.
You can have her.

This is the last time
you give me to someone.

Max, your tart was excellent.
The problem was your attitude.

You showed no passion
of wanting to be in this school.

And that is why you didn't get in.
It seemed like you didn't want it.

No, no, no,
that's just my attitude.

I act like I don't want anything
because I never got anything I wanted.

But I do want to go to this school
more than I've ever wanted anything.

It's my fantasy and my dream,

and please stop making me use
these horrible, horrible words!

Just let me in, okay?

Okay.

Wait, for real?

Yes. I needed to see if your passion
was as good as your pastry

and you just showed me it was.

I'm thrilled to have you
on board, chef.

Thanks, chef.

Bebe is having a panic attack
and needs to hold her lemon.

Has anyone seen her lemon?

Caroline, he let me in.
I'm going to pastry school.

Everybody has to
call me "chef" now!

You did it, chef!

You're going to the pastry
school from the brochure!

Aren't you glad
I looked at your porn?

We're roommates. Both single.
Quelle surprise.

So Max, once you fill out these,
you will be officially enrolled.

And of course we will need
your tuition check.

Yup. $3,000.
It's a lot for us.

But if we make some cutbacks,
1/2-ply toilet paper.

Who am I kidding?
No toilet paper, diner napkins.

No, tuition is 24,000.

But the brochure
said $3,000 a year.

You misread it.
It's $3,000 a unit.

There is eight units per year.
24,000.

It costs $24,000?
We can't pay that.

Oh, my God, now I'm never
gonna be able to come here

and I just admitted
I wanted to!

I take back everything I ever
said about wanting anything.

- Max, you can't just storm out.
- Your face can't just storm out!

Look, I will do anything for
that girl to go to this school.

In exchange for tuition,
I could work in the office.

Bebe clearly needs someone
to help take the pressure off

and who better than
a mentally stable

Wharton graduate
like myself?

But I'll do anything.
I'll even wash your floors, okay?

Although I'm sure there's
something better than that.

But if you need me to wash the floors,
I will wash the floors.

Really would prefer
to do anything else,

but I'll do it, 'cause I'll do anything
to get her into this school.

Please no floors.

Okay, I will talk it over with my
staff and I will let you know.

Oh, no, no.

I've seen what happens when you give
people the "I'll let you know."

I'm not going anywhere until
you let me know to my face.

With your face.
Your beautiful, beautiful face.

Max, we're not poor enough?

You're starting a hobo
trash fire in our apartment?

Yup. I'm burning my porn
and pastry school brochure.

You know, all my fantasies.

If I learned anything in life it's that
nothing's more flammable than my dreams.

- Are those my slipper socks in there?
- Yeah, those needed to die too.

Well, while you were in our living
room hosting a burning man festival,

I was at the pastry school getting
us a work-study arrangement.

And...

- You're going to pastry school.
- No way!

Here you go.
Your school uniform.

This is where my name's
gonna go!

My chef name,
Conchita Bonfire.

Thank you for this.

And for everything.

You don't have to thank me.

'Cause with your new skills
I'm gonna use you like Kim uses Kanye.

Or Kanye uses Kim. I'm not sure
which of them is winning.

What kind of work-study
arrangement did you make for me?

It's more of a work-study
arrangement for us.

I'll be working in the office
helping out Bebe,

so I'm working,
you're studying.

You're working
at my school? Mom!