2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 7 - And the Girlfriend Experience - full transcript

Max! Caroline!

Look, here comes Han
carrying an iPad Mini.

Or is it an iPad
carrying a mini Han?

Han has a mini iPad?

We can't even afford
a maxi pad.

I am so upset.
I'm stuck in a lie.

Well, it's better than the time
you got stuck in that backpack.

Seriously, you guys.
I'm in trouble.

I just opened this email, and
my mother is coming to visit.

You have a mother?

I thought you came to life after
a kid in a toy store made a wish.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

Han, your mother's coming all
the way from Korea to see you.

- Isn't that great news?
- Is this the face of great news?

See, my mother thinks
I have a girlfriend.

My father still thinks
I wasn't in the car

when my friend hit
that grifter in the Hamptons.

She thinks I have a girlfriend
because I might have told her I did.

Did you or didn't you?

I-I might have.

And I might have sent
my mother pictures of someone

and told her that she was
the woman I'm dating.

Han, you might have
catfished your mom?

I might have.

Catfishing...
Right.

That's when you pick up
a woman in a bar,

and when you get her
in the light,

you realize
she has whiskers.

P.S....
Doesn't bother me.

No, catfishing is
when you pretend

to be someone you're not
on the Internet.

You know, like everyone
on the Internet.

All my mother wants is for me to be
happily married like my father and her.

All my mother wants is
a cure for hep-C.

Look, here she is.

"Korean beauty June Kim,
aka Sapphire"?

Han, you chose a prostitute?

She's not a prostitute.
She has a website.

Yeah, and I know a guy
with business cards

whose "job" it is
to relax your rectum.

It says she's an exotic dancer
at this gentlemen's club in Manhattan.

So just go there and hire the hooker
to pretend to be your girlfriend.

And there's a sentence
I never thought I'd say.

I tried, but the bouncer told me
to wait in the alley

for my mother
like all the other children.

So I was hoping
you guys could go for me.

Han, we are not doing that.

Strip clubs, lies...
That's not my scene.

That's not your "scene"?

You have a scene?

What is your scene, Caroline?
I haven't seen your scene.

In fact, you haven't seen
your scene in two years.

Trust me,
this is your scene now.

Oh, I understand.

Just one question...

Did I or did I not let you have
the cupcake window rent-free?

Wow, Han.
That's a cheap shot.

Low, bitchy...
I respect that.

We'll go to the strip club,

but if it's nude, nude, nude,
I am leaving, leaving, leaving.

That's the first time Han's ever been able
to hold something over someone's head.

Sapphire will be right
with you, ladies.

Thank you, my good man.

Give me a 20 from Han. You gotta tip
at these places or they'll murder you.

Thanks, doll. You'se twos
can have a seat on that couch.

Oh, no.
No, thank you.

I'm not catching...

Not catching
"Sypha-gonna-titus" today.

Well, if a whore's bath
is appropriate anywhere, it's here.

Max, please be professional
when she comes in.

No sexual comments.

Considering she's used to
walking in on dudes

who have their junk in their hand
like a sad present,

I am sure I can manage
to not offend her.

I'm just saying that despite
where we are,

let's remember,
she's a business woman like us.

The chairman of the board
is here.

Hi, ladies.
You ready for a good time?

Been waitin' my whole life.

Hello.
It's a pleasure to meet you.

I'm Caroline Channing, and this
is my colleague, Max black.

Yo, how's this gonna work?
I don't do two at a time.

So who wants to watch,
who wants to ride?

Oh, right.

Neither of us
will be riding, per se.

Hold your roll, girl. We're spending
a lot of Han's money here.

If I want a ride,
I'm getting a ride.

- Um, is it June or Sapphire?
- You can call me Paul if you pay me.

June, we're not here for a dance
or any of the other things you do

that I don't judge you for
because I'm very open-minded.

I've been to Amsterdam.

I'm on camera so I gotta dance for
someone or my bosses will fire me.

And then it's back
to waiting tables.

Told myself I'd never sink
that low again.

Yeah, we say that every day
when we get dressed for work.

Okay, sit.
Let's do this.

It's fine. I think
I got all the stains.

It's official!
We've paid Han back.

Um, could you turn
the other lights on?

She's allergic
to the truth.

So, June, here's the thing.
We have this boss.

Yeah, girl, work that.

I'm being encouraging,
businesswoman to businesswoman.

Anyway, his name is Han Lee, and see,
his mother is coming to visit.

Oh, nice move there.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I wasn't encouraging. Just commenting.

Oh, peek-a-boo,
there's your head.

Anyway, he needs a girlfriend,

so he sent his mother pictures of you
and said you were his girlfriend.

I think it's her turn.

Oh, uh...
The gist is,

he's willing to pay you
to pretend to be his girlfriend.

And I'm willing to pay you to show me
how to do that with my hips.

Ooh, you would make
a great stripper.

I know, I just have
a fear of success thing.

Can we turn the music off?

'Cause I'm getting disoriented and,
in all honesty, a little turned on.

And I cannot be a latent bisexual with
everything else already on my plate.

How much?

Whatever your rate is for sex, but
you won't even have to have sex.

- At the most, just kissing.
- Kissing is $500.

I love you.

Okay. I can give him the
"Girlfriend Experience" package.

He has no girlfriend, no experience, and
no package, so that sounds perfect.

Here, Earl, when my mother comes in,
pretend you are reading this.

Ooh, the Bible.

You know, I remember
when this first came out.

Didn't think
it would be a hit.

Earl, we're talking about
our lord, Jesus Christ!

So, no sign of
mama-say-mama-sah-ma-mama-Han?

I don't know. I don't know
what she looks like.

She's here.

Ohm-ma!

Han!

I can't tell if she's a smaller him
or if he's a smaller her.

You must be Han's mother.

I'm Earl.

I was just reading the Bible,

'cause when am I not?

Mother, this is Caroline.

Hay-yo!

Caroline, I didn't know
you spoke Korean.

I took it as an elective
after I mastered Japanese.

I had a hunch Asia was gonna
take over the world.

And congratulations,
right on track.

Caroline, your Korean
is very good.

- And this is Max.
- Nice to meet you, Mrs. Lee.

What does that face mean
in Korean?

It means zip up your top.

Here, mother, sit.
You must be hungry.

I'll get you a menu.

That's weird.

These usually bring joy
to the people.

Han Lee,
where is your girlfriend?

You'll meet her
at dinner tomorrow.

She wanted to be here, but with church
and all her work in brain surgery,

she's very busy.

And I thought it
was unrealistic

when you had a girlfriend that
didn't need an air pump.

Han, what are you thinking?
How are you ever going to pull this off?

With the help
of my two best friends?

Oh, good.
Who are they?

Please, have June come to your
apartment and we can brief her.

Well, if it's with you,
it's gonna be brief.

Remember, you owe me.

No, Han. At that club,
I saw a pregnant wall.

So...

I think we're even.

If I'm here to meet June,
why am I blindfolded?

So you can never find your way
back to our apartment again.

But I have your address
on your work forms.

No, you don't.

Max, I think he can
take it off now.

It's been an hour, and
we spun him around three times.

Well, someone's been to
a flea market.

And it smells like pot
in here.

So I smoked up a little before work.
I got to. My boss is a real butt munch.

Okay,
our call girl is here.

Another sentence
I never thought I'd say.

I look like I've had
a call girl before, right?

Han, you don't look like
you've called a girl before.

I need to calm down.

Do you have
any chamomile tea?

No, because I'm not a divorced
woman on a balcony in the fall.

But I do have something
that will help you relax.

Ooh, you mean...

Yes, I'm gonna lull you to sleep
with a tiny, invisible whistle.

So, June, are you working your way
through graduate school or something?

No, I like getting paid
for sex.

I mean, what's a handy
every now and then

if it pays the mortgage on my park
view terrace apartment, right?

Life is so funny sometimes.

Just when you think you're
better than someone, you're not.

Here we are, all relaxed.

And that was wild, like
getting your hamster stoned.

Okay, June, this has all the details
that Han sent his mom about you.

You told your mom
I'm a Harvard-educated

Christian doctor and also
a renowned classical pianist?

Yes, we met at church
and are crazy in love,

but we're waiting
till marriage.

Oh, well,
the Virgin Experience is 1,000.

Will you take 800?

- Max!
- What?

I was unconscious when I lost mine.
And I want to see what it's like.

Oh, I hope that's pizza.

'Cause I could go to third base
on some crazy bread right now.

No!
It's Sophie.

I asked her to bring down
some crosses

for June to wear
when she meets your mom.

What? Sophie knows I hired
a prostitute to be my girlfriend?

No, I didn't tell her anything.

But this will be a good test to see
if you two pass as a couple.

Hey, what's Han doing
with that hooker?

Sophie, this is June.

We hired her to pretend to be Han's
girlfriend while his mom's in town.

Oh, wait, so his mom

is supposed
to believe that

their parts match up somehow

and that's
a fun thing for her?

Oh. L-O-L.

Oh, this is
one of those things

that you think
about later and you laugh.

Look, look,
Caroline, look.

I brought you your crosses.

Sophie,
do you have anything smaller?

It's a date,
not an exorcism.

Oh, well, you gotta say that.

All right,
I'll be right back.

You see, I'm thinking about it
later and I'm L-O-L'ing.

Well, I gotta go.
I got this.

But that's a lot of material.
You don't want to stay and cram it?

How much for that?

No, it's cool.
I can fake it.

- You're sure you can fake it?
- Can I fake it...?

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God!

She's sure.

I wonder why Han
and his girlfriend are late?

Maybe something came up
and she had to take care of it.

That's actually probably
exactly what happened.

I hope my hair looks all right.

I'm wearing it the other way.

- It looks pretty.
- Yes. Very pretty.

I am just so excited that my Han
finally found the perfect girlfriend.

Oh, you know, his June is
a brilliant brain surgeon.

Well, she certainly knows
a lot about head.

And she also goes to church
every Sunday.

Yep, that girl is always
on her knees.

And she is
a classical pianist.

She is making this
too easy.

Oh, there they are.

Han! Han!

And girlfriend of Han.

Mother, may I present June?

June, this is my mother,
Su-Min Lee.

Please, call me Su-Min Lee.

Which means,
"so mean" to me.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

I've heard such
a great deal about you.

Oh, and Han has told me
how you two met.

What a beautiful story.

Oh, yes. That was beautiful
when we met at...

Upstairs on the roof...

Church! We met in church.
Upstairs on the roof of church.

We wanted to be closer to God.
We are both so holy!

Is it hot in here?
Or is it just the situation?

Oh, look, the appetizers
Mrs. Lee is paying for are here.

Before we start
on the appetizers,

June, please pray.

- I don't know any prayers.
- No, no, I'll do it, mother.

But first please,
can I get a Moscow Mule?

Go, June.
Please, pray.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God!

And amen!

Oh, okay. I-I don't know
that one.

Hey.
I am starving.

That's quality.

Such a good appetite.
You ate the whole thing.

Didn't even chew.

June, the piano is free. Oh, you must
play something for us.

No, she can't play.

- Yeah, but you told me that she was...
- I mean, now.

I mean, she can't play
the piano now.

Look, look, Mrs. Lee.
The Chrysler Building.

It has the word "Christ"
in it.

Hey, Han, you dropped
your knife.

You better calm down.
You're gonna blow it.

You can't afford to blow it.
You can't even afford to kiss it.

I'm getting tense all over again.
Help a brother out.

What, you think I just carry
that stuff around with me

in my purse
in an Altoids container

with a Lisa Frank
unicorn sticker on it?

Max, what is going to happen?

I've got a more pressing
question...

How does someone with a mouth
so small get a joint so wet?

When June cannot play the piano,
mother will discover my lie.

It will be a big, big
disappointment.

I am the star of my family.

So, if your family were
the Jacksons, you'd be Michael?

'Cause I see you more
as a Tito.

Actually, petite-o.

Han's mom is right behind me.
She saw you two come in here.

I tried to stop her, but she has
strength, and it is all core.

Han, hide.

I'm sweating through the price tag.
And I have to return this.

If I'm going down,
I'm going down high.

It's 500 for kissing.

You can't afford
to go down.

What is going on
between you and my Han?

You two have been
whispering all night.

- Poor June.
- Poor June...?

Poor June lives in
a doorman building.

Mrs. Lee, I think you might have
gotten the wrong impression of Max.

No, she is after my son
for his big successful diner.

Oh, you have another son?

I am on to you.

You are just a money-grubbing,

big-booby,
dirty nasty girl.

Well, I wish I could say
you were wrong.

Mother, stop!

You cannot talk
to Max like that.

She is a good girl,
and a friend, and...

Wha...?

Okay, yes, you caught me.
I smoke weed.

Yes, I'm living the fast life in
New York City just as you feared.

Wha…?

But I only toke up when I am
under a lot of pressure.

See, mother,

I don't have a girlfriend.

June is a prostitute
I paid to pretend,

so you would think we were
happy as you and father.

Give me that.

Wha…?

I too am under
a lot of pressure, son.

The truth is your father
and I are no longer together.

He had an affair
with another woman

who has big fake ones
like her.

Max's breasts are real,
Mrs. Lee.

Mm. God bless.

Mine are too,
in case you were wondering.

I wasn't.

Son,
are you disappointed in me?

Mother,
are you disappointed in me?

No, Han.

You are the star of
our family and my heart.

- I love you.
- Aw, me too.

Okay, that's enough.

And another problem
solved by weed.

Hey, Han's mom.
It's puff-puff-pass.

Am I super high or is that whore
playing the piano?