2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 23 - And the Free Money - full transcript

Okay, Chestnut,
it's time to play that game

where we take shots
while we pay our bills

that Max so cleverly named,
"that game where we take shots

while we pay our bills."

Hey, if you want me
to think of a better name,

we should probably stop taking shots

while we pay our bills.

If this bill says first warning,

we take a shot, and
Chestnut gets a carrot.

If it's a final notice,

Chestnut gets two carrots,
and we take a double shot.

And if it's gone into collections,

we shoot ourselves, and
Chestnut gets three carrots.

And also, I'm gonna take shots
whenever I want to.

All right, only a couple bills to go

and $149 to pay them.

That's an odd number.
Shots!

Man, our electric bill is $72.

That's an even number.
Shots!

Next up, I have gas.

Ah, thanks for the heads-up this time.

We have $77, and the bill's only $76.84.

Numbers!
Shots!

This is the first time
we've ever broken even.

Wait, what do we do when we break even?

Shots?

I'm so proud we paid all our bills

and with actual
American dollars this time.

There might've been a
couple of pesos in the mix,

that or the nickel
has a sweet new donkey.

Look, girls, I got the new iPhone,

and Siri thinks I'm hilarious.

I hear that phone
has a great camera for selfies.

Or, in your case, elfies.

Smile, Max.

Nice.
#willdiealone.

Oh, already got a like.

Hey, everybody.

Big news.

I finally met the man of my dreams.

Sophie, that's not news.
You've known me for years.

Oh, Earl, another place,

another time, another woman,

another man.

Hey, girls, you better
wipe down my booth.

My boyfriend's parking
his Lincoln outside.

Yeah, he dropped me off
first 'cause he's a class act

and 'cause he had
to put his pants back on.

There she is.
There's my Peanut.

You hear that?
He calls me his Peanut.

Holy crap, she's looking even prettier

than the last time I saw her.

What'd you do,

get some beauty creams
on the way from the car

to the diner?

Oh, maybe.

Sophie, it's nice to see you
so giddy about something.

Yeah, you're like me
sitting on that broken washer

at the laundromat.

I'm Nicky, but my friends call me

when they need money.

I'm Caroline.
This is Max.

I'm gonna ask you the same question

I ask every guy around your age.

Are you my dad?

Maybe one of you dolls can get me

a glass of water to wash down my tums?

Sexy and he has an ulcer.

Sure, I'll go get you some
menus and the wine list.

Don't get excited.

That's just a list of everything

Caroline's whined
about in the last year.

What's up with
Robert de Zero over there?

I used to have a
leather jacket like that.

Then I realized, when you have
the right to bear arms,

You bare them, baby.

Omelet. Pick up.

I think Oleg just got jealous.

I think Oleg just got
underarm dandruff in these eggs.

Enjoy.

Here are your menus,

and we're out of everything
in the pictures since 1974.

So the little girl
smiling eating a waffle,

she's a grandma now,
and she calls Penn Station home.

Here you go, dolls, for your trouble.

100 bucks?
It's like free money.

Can you imagine
what he would've given us

if the glasses were clean?

All this money
and I didn't even do anything.

I'm one mustache away
from being a Kardashian.

Yeah, Nicky's a big-shot bookie

with a Yorkie and a membership

to the VIP lounge at the race track.

A Yorkie and a green leather jacket?

Are you even real?

I love horse racing.

I used to go to the track all the time,

and not to brag,
but I do own a Thoroughbred.

Oh, yeah, she does.

I see it eating out of the garbage can
from my window.

Here, that's Chestnut.

That's a beauty,
but not as much a beauty

as my Peanut right here.

Oh, he just compared me to a horse,

but I like it anyway.

Why don't you two dolls join us

at the track's turf club some afternoon?

Oh, we're busy,
and it's all the way out in...

Are you paying?

Of course.

Oh, then we're there.

In fact, can we go right now?

Yeah, we're not doing anything.

Max, look, the turf club.

Us way up here,

the horses down there on the track

being forced into their starting gates.

This is so exciting.

Girl, we've been here 30 seconds,

and you already blew your bugle.

Pace yourself.

Max, Caroline,

over here!

Wow, I haven't seen Sophie this happy

since that girl slipped on the ice
in front of our building.

That girl was me, Max,

and I really hurt my coccyx.

You have a coccyx?
You want to go out sometime?

Hey, girls.

Come on, Peanut.
Get a little closer to me.

Closer. Little closer.

Closer. Little closer.

What can I say, girls?
I can't get close enough.

Do you hear that?
He can't get close enough.

Thank you so much for inviting us.

It feels great to be
back at the track again.

Ah, horse racing is, after all,

the sport of kings.

I'm more interested in the sport

of king crab legs right over there.

So is this an
all-you-can-eat deal here,

Or will a waiter come drag me away?

Knock yourself out.

How much could
a girl like you possibly eat?

You know how a cobra
can swallow an entire pig?

It's like that.

Hey, Caroline, you want two or three?

So Max tells me you met
at 24 hour fitness 24 hours ago.

Yup, he spotted me in a handstand.

Nicky, who am I gonna bet on?

Who do you like, besides me?

Sophie, go with Mess in a Dress.

She had great morning sprints,

first-time blinkers,

jockey weighed in a pound under,

and at the preakness,

she was second in seven furlongs,

and this race is only six furlongs.

Yeah, you're talking for long.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna
go with number three,

My Uncle Hank.

My Uncle Hank?

He's out of jail?

Yeah, we should probably
eat this and head out.

Oh, see, that's my horse.

My horse, Uncle Hank.

And look, see?
He just pooped.

He's trying to get away from it.

I know about that.
That's how I am.

Okay, got to make the donuts, but first,

give me that kisses, sister.

Aw, so romantic.

Max, maybe we should
get in on the action.

Nah, that's a lot of tongue for me.

No, I meant place a bet.

And, Max, I think I'm in a three-way.

Well, you look exactly
the way I imagined

you'd look in a three-way.
Reading.

Come on, we have that free money,

and you love to gamble.

Yeah, but nothing stupid,
just, like, not using a condom.

Oh, what the hell?

Wait, wait, Nicky, Nicky, here.

Here's your money.
200 on Mess in a Dress.

Oh, wait, I think
I have a mess in my dress.

You got it, doll, and I'm sending over

some of those special popovers.

Sophie, make sure you get one.

Oh, do you hear that?

There's gonna be a ring
in one of those popovers.

I didn't hear any of that.

Well, why else would
someone order popovers

Unless they were gonna
hide a ring in it?

I just ate the entire
cast of Finding Nemo.

I'm not saying I'm sick.

I'm just saying
that clown fish wants out.

Afternoon, ladies.
Enjoy the popovers.

And are you finished with that?

Ah, let's just say
it's finished with me.

And they're off.

This is so exciting.

I know.
I wonder which one it's in.

Oh. Oh, not that one.

All right.
Whoops, not that one.

Look, look, there's our horse,

Mess in a Dress.

She's in the lead.

Oh, no, not that one.

Yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no.

And the winner is Mess in a Dress.

We won! We won.

Are we being winners right now?

I don't know how to be that.

Suddenly I don't know
what to do with my hands.

Nothing.

I mean, who in the hell
would order popovers

And not hide a diamond ring in it?

Here you go, dolls.
6 big ones.

Max, this is incredible.

We had 200, and now we have 600.

Even more free money.

And, waiter, bring my Peanut

one of those banana splits.

You hear that?

There's a diamond ring in the bottom

of the banana split.

And, Leon, for your trouble.

Really? 100?

Yup, I was a waitress
before I was rich.

And also after that fish,

I might need you to
carry me to the subway.

Whoever that is going through my pants,

you should know I have a gun.

Max, it's me, Caroline.

Why do you think I bought the gun?

Okay, Max, you know how today

we won 600 on our 200
after just that one horse race?

Yeah, that was weird,
but not as weird

as waking up to see
you standing in the dark

going to third base with my pants.

If I bet our winnings
with the three-to-one odds

on this horse tomorrow,

Do you know
how much I can make us?

Let's see. 2, carry the 1...

Get out.

I have the racing form right back here.

Don't bring that over here.
That's been in your crack.

See? Right here.

First race tomorrow.
There She Blows.

If she's blowing that
early in the morning,

she deserves our money.

I've done all the research

and checked it with Chestnut.

It's a sure thing, like
the sun coming up tomorrow

Or that Somali pirate

never getting another acting job again.

You go out and get addicted
to horse racing

after I worked so hard

to put pills and weed on the table?

I am not addicted.

Now, where's your cash?

'Cause it wasn't in your piggy bank,

which someone, not me, broke.

You think you don't have a problem?

Then, fine, you can have the money.

You won't be sorry.
Where is it?

In my bra.

Where's your bra?

On my boobs.

You sleep in your bra?

Have to.
Last time I let them out at night,

they didn't come home till 4 A.M.

and couldn't tell me where they'd been.

Max, just take it out of there, please.

Nope, I'll tell you
what I tell every guy

who wants to get in there.

It's 12 bucks for adults
and 10.50 for seniors.

Fine, I'm doing this for both of us.

Still think you don't have a problem?

Geez, where is it?

Is there a map or a tour guide?

Coming up on your left.
You're about 20 minutes away.

It's quite a walk.
You might want to take the tram.

Got it.

Feel good about yourself?

I will after that race tomorrow.

And I promise I'll never do that again.

That's what my Uncle Hank said.

No, I meant I'll never
ask you for money again.

That's what Uncle Hank's wife said.

No more gambling.

Now I feel like you read
the transcript of Uncle Hank's case.

Oh, wait, you forgot some.

Just kidding, it's late,
and it felt kind of good.

Max, I hope Caroline gets here soon,

'cause if that girl walks
in one full hour late,

I'll have to respect
the hell out of her.

She's still at the track,

and I'm dying to know
how our horse did.

So much suspense.

I feel like I should
be peeing on a stick.

You girls are still playing the horses.

Keep that in check.

My gambling problem got so bad

I couldn't even afford my drug problem.

You're back!
So how did we do?

We did great.

We won our bet on There She Blows.

Yes! How much did we get?

Are we talking "add avocado" money?

Well, we did do great,
and then we did not great.

And then we did bad,
and then we did real bad.

And then we did terrible.

Long story short, I'm out of tums,

and we owe Nicky $3,000.

You... You owe Nicky.

When I got addicted to Pizza Pringles,

I didn't make it your problem.

Your breath made it all our problems.

Max, Nicky's not,
like, dangerous, is he?

I bet he's not, but even if he is,

Don't worry.

You can survive in the trunk of a Lincoln
for five, six days easy.

Max, I know I can make
all of this money back

If I just win one more race.

I just need a sure thing.

There is no such thing as a sure thing,

Except my mother
never picking me up from school.

Look, there are two horses tomorrow

that look really good,

Buck That and Little House on the Gary.

Little House on the Gary.
That's my friend Eddie's horse.

We don't have time to pretend

you have a friend named Eddie right now.

I do. Eddie Jones.

He's a famous jockey.
We met at the tailor.

We got to talking as we were both
having our jeans hemmed.

Where'd you buy them, JC Puny?

Han, please, you have to help me.

You have to talk to your friend Eddie

and get me the scoop
on the race tomorrow.

Okay, I'll help on one condition:

No more short jokes from Max.

She can do that.

You can do that, right, Max?
Don't answer.

So no more short jokes
starting right...

Okay, wait, but first,

Didn't I see you on a baby food jar?

A mouse set a trap for you.

And don't you
have to bring a ring to Mordor?

Okay, let's do this.

Eddie said he'd meet us down here.

Han, I really appreciate this.

You're doing me such a big, big favor.

Yeah, and we're surprised
you can do anything big.

Okay, that's it.

Han, wait.

I don't need it!

Max, see what you did?

What? I was on autopilot.

What did I say?

Han, please, Max won't say anything.

Good, 'cause I've had it up to here.

You don't have it up to there.

Don't need it!

Max!

Please, you have to stop
with the short jokes.

This is my life.

But that's my life.

Keep it up, and I'm gonna be
at the bottom of the East River

with that hipster artisan cheese truck

you pushed off the Brooklyn Bridge.

You're right.
No more short jokes.

Maybe I should wait outside.

So, Han, where's Eddie?

I think we should talk to him

as quickly as possible
before Max passes out.

I don't see him.
I'm sure he'll be here shortly.

And I just bit the inside of my mouth.

Hey, it's Han!

I haven't seen you since
we took our little trip.

No, man, I saw you
after my small business

on a softball game.

Hey, I got new car, a Mini Cooper.

This is hell. I'm in hell.

Eddie, hi.
Is there anything you can tell me

about today's race?

Is there a sure thing?

Oh, you get yourself a bad bet?

Bad bet and beyond.

Well, let me give you a little tip.

I'll be outside.

And coming down the home stretch,

Little House on the Gary
has the lead.

Come on, Little House on the Gary!

Run! Run like Caroline after sundown

in an ethnic neighborhood.

The Hoof, The Hoof, The Hoof is on fire!

He's winning. He's winning.

He's winning!

Oh, no, what's happening?

He's falling behind.

Oh, Lord. Oh, my sweet, sweet Lord.

He's losing. He's losing.

He's losing.
Han, what is happening?

Well, maybe I'll take off.

Your friend said it was a sure thing.

There is no sure thing

except another
Taylor Swift breakup song.

And Little House on the Gary

falls to pieces
as Falls to Pieces wins.

So what do we win
if our horse finishes last

and wanders around
the track with a giant erection?

All that and we lost?

Thanks for lunch.

Han, you're so small
your house is a tic tac box.

You're so small you ride
in your car cupholder.

You're so small your parents
are a ladybug and a tater tot.

I could see that, actually.

I don't need it!

You see, Caroline?

This is why I quit gambling,

this and the escalator
was always broken.

All right, let's just calm down.

This is the turf club, not Goodfellas,

Though that was placed
on real-life events

and took place not that far from here.

Right, and maybe
he won't be so hard on us.

Nicky is Sophie's boyfriend.

Well, I just broke up with Nicky.

Why?

I just saw him beat the crap

out of some guy that owed him money.

Oh, no, here he comes.

There you are, dolls.

My leg is next.

Tough break.

I'm gonna take my 3 grand and go.

Peanut just broke up with me,

so I'm gonna go home and get in bed

with my dog and my wife.

I have to come clean.
We don't have your money.

I got out of control.

Doll, relax.
I'm a reasonable man.

We can work out something.

Oh, good.

Hope he shoots me first.

I'd rather be dead than hear you beg.

Still got that thoroughbred?

I'll come by tomorrow to get it.

He can't take my horse.

What am I gonna do?

You can always move to New York
and change your name to Max.

Wait, I already did that.

What is wrong with me?

I should have known better.

My father has problems with money.

It's in my DNA.

And now all because of a stupid bet,

I'm gonna lose Chestnut.

If it makes you feel any better,

my mom once lost me in a bet.

Still can't believe she thought

Robert Redford was in Tootsie.

We can't lose Chestnut.

Damn it, damn it, damn it, people.

Make me come out of retirement

Just save your gambling asses.

Now, all I need is 100 bucks.

Hey, Caroline, how fast
can you have a baby?

Hey. Hi, Leon.

Remember us, the ones
who tipped you 100 bucks?

Oh, of course, it's hard to find

that kind of generosity in this place.

It gives you hope again.

Yeah, we're gonna need that back.

Well, actually, I need all my money.

I support my mother.

Yeah, maybe not today.

Max, I can't believe it.

I screwed me and the horse I rode in on.

Why don't you film that
and get your money back?

Caroline, look.

Earl, you did it. You saved Chestnut.

Yeah, well, we brown studs

have to stick together.

And I'll take that.

And since I don't trust myself,

I'm donating this 200
to my favorite charity,

So here.

Now, no more betting,

'cause the only sure
thing in life is death.

Have a nice day.

One for you, and one for me.

200, we're back to our free money,

And this time, it's going
right in the savings account.

Well, it's not earning
much interest in there.

Here.

We're keeping this in a bank

with two major branches.