2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 24 - And the First Degree - full transcript

Max, I have a surprise,
and it's right behind you.

Before I turn around, is it Oprah?

'cause I will die.

It's a diploma from pastry school.

No, seriously, what's the surprise?

I'll even take Gayle.

You would've graduated
if the school hadn't closed,

and Oleg knows a guy
who fakes documents, so...

You're a pastry school graduate,

And I'm a real estate agent
and a French citizen.

I'll be able to show houses in France.

And how are you getting there?

I'm also a licensed pilot.

Look, I am not a pastry school graduate.

I'm not even a high school graduate.

The only thing I graduated from
was a scared straight program,

which is why I'm not gay anymore.

Max, you really didn't graduate?

I always thought you were kidding

about dropping out of high school,

Like when you say that
Howard Stern is your dad.

'Cause he is.
Look at our eyes.

And I did drop out.

I was like, "Later, suckas. I'll find
a water fountain somewhere else."

Water fountains? Gross.

In private school,

We never bent down to put
our mouths on something

unless it had a yacht.

I didn't need a piece of paper
from high school,

and I don't need
this fake piece of paper,

because I don't fake things.

Except orgasms with guys
who don't know how to yank hair good.

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

Well, I'm glad you called back,
you slimeball.

Oh, good.

When you weren't here
when I woke up, I got worried.

So worried you decided to eat cookies

and watch Mama's Family?

We all grieve in our own way.

Guess I should cancel the strippers.

So I found out something
interesting today

that has to do with you.

Aw, crap, you found out
what happened in Orlando?

Why? What happened in orlando?

Don't tell me you
slept with Mickey Mouse.

Well, I slept with someone

with suspenders and four fingers.

I'm assuming it was Mickey.

Either way, it was heaven.

Well, I found out

that you're not
the badass you claim to be.

I talked to your old
high school principal,

and he said the only reason
you didn't graduate

is 'cause you failed to show up
for one history final.

My high school's still standing?

Guess I didn't flick
that cigarette far enough.

I cannot believe you'd invade
my privacy like that.

Invade your privacy?

You shave your junk with the door open.

So?

To the apartment.

Well, maybe you'll change your mind
when you find out that the principal...

Your old history teacher, Mr. Huck...

said you can come back
and take the test this Friday,

and if you pass,
you'll get your diploma.

If that's Mr. Huck,

I will murder your face.

Max, please don't kill me.

I can live here, but I can't die here.

Hey, girls.

I got Google Glasses.

See, right now, I'm looking at you

and ordering tapioca on Amazon.

Now is not a great time, Sophie.

Max is upset with me
because I'm trying to help her

graduate from high school.

Aw, you're sure she's
just not upset with you

'cause of the way you chew?

I'm sorry I have to chew, everyone.

I found out Max can go take
one history test

in her hometown, and then
she'll get her diploma.

Max, you know I've never been

a big fan of hers...

But I like the idea of
you getting that degree.

I mean, I'll never live down

not graduating from school for the deaf.

You're not deaf, Sophie.

I know. It was really hard.

Well, I don't care who she called,

'cause I'm not gonna do it.

And if Mr. Huck thinks
I would ever step foot

back in his Mr. Know-it-all university,

I have two words for him.

"Huck U."

That's what Mr. Huck said you'd say.

He also said that senior year,

you sold "Huck U" T-shirts

and that you have no ambition
and no follow-through.

That's when I knew
he was really your teacher.

No ambition?

I made enough off those shirts

to do nothing for, like, a month.

Look, I got two bus tickets
to Rhode Island.

I didn't even know you could buy
bus tickets ahead of time.

I thought you just showed up,
and if you looked like

you made enough mistakes
in life, they let you on.

Come on, Max.

I haven't waited this long
to hear someone say yes

since I was at school for the deaf.

Fine.

Fine, I'll go.

But only because
Mr. Huck thinks I won't.

Aw, okay, well, I'm gonna
let you two start studying.

And in full disclosure,

I watched some porno
during this conversation.

See ya later.

Hey, Max.

Caroline told everyone the good news

about you going back to take
that American history test.

Good for you.

Yeah, I started studying last night,

and on behalf of all white people,

I would like to apologize
for everything ever.

Well, apology accepted
for everything ever

except for slavery and the gap.

Here, Max, I brought
you the history book

which I'm studying from
for my citizenship test.

Aren't babies automatically citizens?

I don't know why I root for you.

Here, your country has a very rich past,

unlike Korea, which had
its past stolen by the Japanese.

Han, we are not talking
about European history.

We are talking about American history.

Oof, you're going to be
working here forever.

Good luck, lady.

Okay, Max, I've come up with a way

for you to work
and study at the same time,

like when you shop
and steal at the same time.

I know, when they show it to me
on those security cameras,

I'm always impressed.

I mean, I really don't know
anyone else who's doing it.

Max, pick-up. Burrito for table eight.

Ugh, jeez, I just walked in.

Why do I have to have
all this burrito drama?

First, Caroline says I have to quiz you

every time you come to the window, so...

Who was the sexually
virile male pop singer

responsible for the hit song
Jessie's Girl?

Rick Springfield.

Burrito's all yours, smarty.

Oleg, no.

You have to ask questions

from the flash cards I provided.

They're color-coordinated by century

and subdivided by president.

Don't look at me like that, Max.

I'm a fun person.
I taught myself the Dougie.

Okay, here goes.

Which amendment
to the United States constitution

Guarantees a woman's right to...

vote?

Wait, women can vote?

So when you say women can vote,

you mean, like,
besides for American Idol?

Max, you think you're
not smart, but you are.

You just need to come up with
little tricks to help jog your memory.

My memory doesn't jog.

I've smoked so much pot,
it's in one of those hospitals

learning to walk again.

What was the Great Compromise?

You mean besides you moving in with me?

It created the two houses of Congress.

Hooty-hoo!

Next question: What was the movement

against the sale or drinking
of alcohol called?

The bowel movement?

No, the Temperance Movement.

And don't mention the bathroom.

I've had to pee since
we passed that last town

that used to make something.

Just go to the bathroom.

What are you so afraid of?

The bathroom.

I will use a public bathroom.

I will use a public bus.

But I will not use the public bathroom

on a public bus.

Next card.

No, give me a twizzler. I know enough.

No candy. Study harder.

You're looking at a solid "D."

Well, my grades should match my boobs.

Next question. Okay.

In what city
was The Constitution written?

No idea.

Philadelphia?

Oh, damn it, I almost said that.

It's right there.

Philadelphia makes cheesesteaks.

The Constitution is cheesy.

Why do I doubt myself?

How much further?

I thought Rhode Island
was supposed to be a tiny state.

When are we stopping?

Well, we have to pass Cranston,

Providence, and then our stop is Hope.

Wait, Max, you were born
in a town called "Hope"?

Well, just outside Hope.

And success and money.

Well, there's no hope for me.

I have to pee so badly.

I'm going in.

Leave the twizzlers.

Here, study.

Oh, my God.

You know the toilet

isn't just there as a suggestion.

Wow, North East High.

Never thought I'd be here again.

This sure brings back no memories.

It's cute.

You know, in an underfunded
public school kind of way.

Wait, are you in high school?

Oh, my God, I'm 100.

Oh, there it is, 2-C.

Hold on.

Why are you covering those up?

They're the only reason
I passed chemistry.

Max Black.

Mr. Huck.

I'm surprised.

That I showed up?

No, that you're alive.

You and me both, sister.

And you must be Caroline.

Oh, you look just like the girls

Max used to give wedgies to
in the cafeteria.

Still does.

Oh, ladies, this is Hector.

Hector will be joining us today,

As he was not in attendance
during exam day.

Ay, yo, Mr. Huck,
that's 'cause my sister

didn't wake me up 'cause she's a bitch.

Very good.

Ay, yo.

This place is filled
with tiny tables, yo.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's teachers and delinquents only

beyond this point.

You can wait out there.

- Are you nervous?
- A little.

I forgot I have a joint in my purse,

and I don't want to get expelled.

Max, you can do this.

I think you think you can't,

but I know that you can.

Look at me.

You are smart.

What are you?

Smart.

See, you already got one question right.

Okay, kids,

put on your thinking hats.

Ay, yo, I thought we couldn't wear hats

in the classroom.

I'm going to ignore that,
because if I don't,

I will weep.

"In 1775, Paul Revere
warned which two men

That the British were
coming to arrest them?"

In the Beastie Boys song Paul Revere,

He had a horsie and a quart of beer.

Sam Adams is a beer,
and if you have too much,

you end up giving a john a hancock.

Sam Adams and John Hancock!

I wasn't this nervous
when I waited for the results

of a Hep C test.

Then again, I didn't
study for that one at all.

Ay, yo, I think I nailed it.

You failed, Hector.

For real?

For really real.

You even got the answer wrong

that Max so graciously said out loud.

Aw, that's cool, Mr. Huck.

Next time, right?

Sure.

Max, I'm sorry to tell you that...

I was wrong to doubt you.

You got a "B".

You passed.

You lying son of a bitch.

[laughs]

It's true, Max.

In fact, I went over it three times

to make sure I wasn't insane.

Whatever that friend
of yours there did to help you,

It really worked.

I'm sorry,

But I can't stand out there any longer.

I've caused a small pandemic

of erections in freshman boys.

I passed! I got a "B"!

Now my grade matches your boobs!

I'm getting that stupid diploma

I said I didn't care about.

You can do more than
get that diploma, Max.

Graduation is tomorrow,
and if you stay overnight,

You can walk with the class
in the morning.

Uh, yes.

You want to go to graduation?

That's so me of you.

Well, I busted my "A" to get that "B",

and I want to get the whole package.

That's great.

Well, we'll see you
tomorrow at 10:00 A.M.

And, Hector, we'll see you
in front of the AMPM

asking strangers to buy you beer?

I call the bed. You can have the table.

Max, that bed is so tiny,
we're gonna have to spoon.

The only spoon
that's ever been in this room

was hovering over a flame.

Well, it's cute.

I'm not vaccinated
for anything in here, but...

It's cute.

And safe.

Yeah, they have cable,

and you can rent rooms by the hour,

so I used to come here
to watch Sex and the City

with a prostitute named Tiny Marge.

She'd bring me
banana bread and hang out.

It was fun.

Oh, great.

There's no coffeemaker.

Never mind, found it.

Your mom wasn't worried
when you'd come down here?

No.

She was a little jealous
that I was hanging out

with Tiny Marge without her, but...

The only thing my mom
ever worried about was herself.

She's selfish.

She missed my birth
'cause she "had a thing."

Come on, she can't be that bad.

Turns out, you're not that big
of a high school dropout,

And she's probably
not that big of a monster.

I mean, she raised you alone,
and you didn't die.

I did actually, twice.

But in fairness to her,
she wasn't there either time.

Max, why don't you invite
her to your graduation?

And don't say you don't have her number.

I know it's in your phone
under "Lady I came out of".

I also know I'm in your phone
as "Fart Monster."

That's because I know,
like, three Carolines.

No, you don't.

Busted.

Here, I'll dial,

you just leave the message.

- Here.
- No!

- Max!
- Fart monster!

Just do it. You'll be so happy
when you see her there tomorrow.

If we live through the night.

Hey, it's me, Max.

Brown hair, lived in
you for 7 1/2 months,

due to your inability
to read the warnings

on the side of cigarettes.

Listen, I'm graduating
from high school tomorrow,

So if you're not busy
looking for pills under the stove

or selling the neighbor's cat
for beer money,

Why don't you come?

Max!

What? That was a first draft.

Hit three, delete, rerecord.

Hey, it's me, Max.

Look, I'm getting my degree
tomorrow at the high school.

You know, that's the building
between the bar you drink at

and the bar you dance at, so...

Hit three, delete, rerecord.

Hey, it's Max.

I'm graduating
from high school tomorrow.

If you can make it, it starts at 10:00.

Okay, bye.

See, that wasn't hard.

This duvet is, but that wasn't.

How come they only give you
one of these?

Okay, Max, maybe don't say
anything else,

or they'll take your diploma back.

Okay, graduates, it's time.

Everyone line up alphabetically,

and let's make our way.

Oh, and congratulations.

You did it.

Max, you look so smart in that robe.

I'm not that smart.

I just found out you're supposed to
wear clothes under this thing.

Max, I never asked you.

You were so close
to getting your diploma.

Why didn't you take that test?

I was going to, but my mother

kept me out of school
that day to go to the mall.

On finals day?

Was there at least a special appearance

by Raven-Symoné?

No one good ever came here.

Just like my mother
didn't come here today.

There's still time. Maybe she'll come.

Maybe.

I mean, my dad was late

to my graduation because his helicopter

needed to refuel.

Yeah, that's probably
what happened to my mom.

But her helicopter's probably
passed out on top of her.

I have never been more confident,

because as I stand here and look out

at all of you today...

I was my class valedictorian.

I realize nobody can stop us.

Mm-hmm, yeah, I thought that too.

We are the future.

Mm-hmm, sure we are,
until you have to pee on a bus

in ten years.

Thank you, amy.

It's hard to imagine
not hearing that voice

Every day for the next four years.

Thank you.

Hi, Mrs.... Ms....
Max's mom.

This is Caroline Channing,
your daughter Max's

best friend and roommate
and business partner.

I didn't want to leave
this on a voice mail,

but I cannot believe you didn't show up

to your own daughter's graduation

when you are the sole reason

she didn't graduate in the first place.

I mean, who takes their daughter
to the mall on finals day?

What kind of mother are you?

And all the times
I've defended you to Max...

Not to make it about me,
but it was a lot...

Saying, "She's not that bad.
She's not that bad."

Well, I guess you are that bad.
Max is right.

You are a monster.

If you're on your way,
we're in the second row.

I have blonde hair.

Christina Bayers.

Whoo, that's my granddaughter!

Salazar Belmonte.

That's my boy!

Max Black.

Max Black.

Whoo-whoo!

That's my downstairs neighbor!

Whoo-whoo! Yeah!

So what, you called them all?

Yeah, you know, just in case.

Max, you were right, and I was wrong.

Your mother's really as bad as you said.

Mm, oh, it's not that bad.

What do you mean?

She took you to the mall on finals day.

Yeah, but it was the greatest day

we ever had.

We got ice cream,

we ate it in the massage chairs
at Brookstone,

and then a kid fell in the fountain,

and we died laughing.

Well, I guess you can
graduate high school any day,

but you can only watch a kid
almost drown in a fountain once.

It is okay that she wasn't
there today, because you were.

And none of this
would have been possible

if you hadn't pushed me.

And that kid wouldn't
have almost drowned

if I hadn't pushed him.

Little different.

Bottom line, you had faith in me

like Thomas Jefferson
had faith in Lewis and Clark.

Oh, no.

Now you're both nerds!