2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 3, Episode 22 - And the New Lease on Life - full transcript

I called this staff meeting
because lately,

I've noticed our diner family
is drifting apart.

Good work, everybody.
Good work.

Yeah!

Let's start off this powwow

by sharing our highs
and lows of the week.

My high was getting a particularly
interesting snapple fact.

And my low was...

Your entire body?

I'll go.
My high was finding a barrette

in the bathroom, and my low

was imagining my new life without it.

Max, your high?

I certainly am.

And my low will be when it wears off.

Well, my high was catching a glimpse

of a customer's lacy g-string,

and my low was seeing his junk.

My low is this meeting.

And my high is when it wraps up.

Can everybody take this serious...

[high-pitched] I have a new low.

I have a new high.

Me too.

Everybody, please.

Han just clearly injured his vagina.

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[phone rings]

[ringing continues]

That's not my phone.

My ringtone is Let It Go,
and you know that

'cause you threaten
to beat me every time it rings.

Well, it's not mine.

I keep my phone on vibrate

out of respect for those around me,

and also for little orgasms.

[ringing continues]

Max, it's the landline.

Oh, God!

Why is it ringing?

You said that phone only rings

if we're in trouble or if it's you

calling from the future
to tell us we're in trouble.

[ringing continues]

Ruh-roh.

That's gotta be the landlord.
The lease is up.

Fine, we'll just renew it,
even though I thought

they would have condemned
this place by now.

I mean, I did find a used condom
in the hallway yesterday.

[phone rings]

- Hello?
- No!

Hang up.
We're not on the lease.

[speaks japanese]

Good cover.
Now we just have to hope

the original tenant is a Benihana chef.

Okay.

We don't have much time.
Quick!

Grab two things you love.

I-I love nothing in here!

And why are we even
trying to keep an apartment

that has grass growing in the bathroom?

I love our toilet lawn.

It's gross.

Max, look at this place.

Our refrigerator door is
held on by scotch tape,

And, I mean, there is
black mold in there.

At least the black mold
made the other mold

move out of the neighborhood.

Come on!

Someone from the real estate company

is probably on their
way over to make sure

the original tenant still lives here.

[phone rings]

All right, let's ride!

I know a guy that can drop off
some fake passports

for us in an airport locker.

Well, you know him too.
It's Oleg.

Hey!

Pick up that phone already!

Sounds like a damn PBS fund-raiser
down here.

Sophie, it's the landlord calling.

I just found out we've been
subletting illegally.

Oh, well, I always
wondered how you girls

could afford to live in this building.

And I ruled out prostitution
once I saw Caroline dance.

Good news.

I dug around the apartment

and I found the original lease.

Also found a copy of
my birth certificate.

Turns out my father's name
is "mother has no idea".

Forget that lease.

I've already found a new place for us.

A two-bedroom for $1,300 in Manhattan.

Oh... Manhattan, Kansas.

We can't afford to lose this lease.

As soon as they find
out this Lester Donovan

is no longer living there,
the rent will get higher

than Justin Bieber
on a plane with his dad.

So I tracked down this
original tenant guy, Lester.

He's still alive.

Ugh! Can't catch a break.

He's at a rest home in Sheepshead Bay.

We just have to go there and kidnap him.

We'll tie some cream of wheat
to a pole and lure him out.

First of all, in what world

do we have cream of wheat pole money?

And secondly, I am not gonna
go shake down some old man.

You won't have to.

He's probably already shaking.

If you're looking, I know a place.

You share a twin bed
with two other girls.

Oh, and there are cameras.

But you're paid $4.99 a minute

and get to meet
all the singles in your area.

Are you one of the singles in the area?

Technically I'd be your co-star.

Like it or not, we have
to hold on to our apartment.

Max is right. There are
two things in life you cannot lose.

A rent-controlled apartment
and bladder control.

Actually, there's
an apartment in my building

that just became available.

Stop by tomorrow.
You can see it.

This place is $1,200?

$1,250. It just went up
since we been talking.

We can't fit in here.

I'm not talking about me and you.

I'm talking about me and my boobs.

Nice retirement home.

Why don't we just live here?

Bingo tournaments,
unlimited hard candy,

and you get to crap your pants!

Lester?

That must be him.

I don't know who I am anymore,
but that must be him.

Hi, Mr. Donovan.

Lester?

Max, is he dead?

No, he's alive, but just...

This is so sad.

Look at how we treat our elderly.

Wake up!

I-I-I need you to wake up for this!

We are currently subletting
your old apartment,

and we need you to pretend

you still live there for a day.

Or just to pretend you still live.

Ladies, you're wasting your time.

He can't speak,
and he doesn't like girls.

He's a vegetable and a fruit.

Lester Donovan.

Oh, you're Lester!
Oh, thank God.

Listen, Lester, we need you...

I know, I know.
You want me to pretend

I still live in your apartment.
I overheard everything.

We're not all comatose, darling.

But I'm afraid... ahem...
it's not gonna happen, girls.

'cause I got a big week.

My special lady is moving in with me.

Heh heh.
'Cause this guy's

not gonna be around much longer.

18 hours tops!

Oh! Here's my princess.

Olivia!

Oh...

He's still with us.

God bless.

So we'll have to push
the move to Monday.

Yeah... About that, Lester.

I'm not ready to move in with you.

Olivia, wh... what do you mean?

Max, we should go. No way!
This is like watching

an elder version of The Bachelor!

Literally, the final rose!

Lester, it's not you.
It's me.

That's still in play at their age?

I'm just not ready to settle down.

Too many other fish in the sea.

I know, it's about that
new kid on the block,

Morty what's-his-name.
It's about Morty, isn't it?

Lester, please.

I don't want it to be weird

when we see each other at Bingo.

You should know this about Morty...

He's not a real man like me.

His middle name is Viagra!

Olivia!

Well, there's no point
hanging around here.

I'll just grab my penis pump,
and we're outta here.

Why is he gonna need that?

Here we are, "home, sweet
at least it's not a rest home".

Lester, not that I minded
pushing you 35 blocks, but...

You could walk at the home.

Why can't you walk now?

I'm too depressed to walk.

I've been depressed
since I learned to walk.

I mean, I was nine.
It was time.

I have just lost the love of my life!

Have you ever made love
to a lady with no teeth

and two plastic hips?

I, for one, have not.

Max?

No. But it just rocketed
to number one on my bucket list.

I lived here from 1954 to Studio 54.

Liza Minnelli threw up in that corner.

The only time I ever saw anybody

take three bows after a vomit.

Why did you leave?

You always think you're
gonna find something better.

Yep. The toilet grass is always greener.

[buzzer]

Okay. That's the building rep, Lester.

Do we need to go over
our cover story again?

It's pretty easy.

I'm Carlotta Spaghetta...

Mild-mannered pet trainer by day,

hot-tempered Nigerian spy by night.

Lester, only listen to me.

Max is your granddaughter,

and I'm her sober companion...

Which is the only part
of our story that's true.

[knocking]

That's him. Now, just
sit and smile and nod.

I'll nod, but I'm not gonna smile.

Welcome to my grandfather's

happy, happy home.
There's his couch.

There's his kitchen.

What's this?

There's his bong.

His bong.

- Glaucoma.
- Chemo.

Well, good afternoon.

I'm Roger from building management.

I'm here to verify this lease,

and I'd like to do it before the rest
of this doorway caves in.

And of course you know
my dear, dear grandfather Lester.

I just have a few
questions, mr. Donovan.

Have you ever made love to a woman

with a silicone hip?

[whispers] Amazing!

Okay! I can cross that one off my list.

Hey, girls.

I came through the back

'cause this junkie's on the front stoop,

and it's still a little awkward
between us.

[girls stammering]

Oh, uh, this is Sophie.
She lives upstairs.

As you can see, Roger, no problems.

Everything's totally legit.

Hey, who's the old guy?

She lives upstairs,
and she doesn't know Lester?

She knows him. This is
just a sexual game they play

called "who are you?"

That doesn't sound like a sexual game.

It is when she's saying it to his penis.

Sophie, this is the guy from the agency

who just came by to verify

that Lester actually lives here.

Oh, yeah!

He lives here every day!

Yeah, and we play that game forever.

[shouting] Who are you?

Come closer.
He can't hear you.

I'm feeling better already.

So the main takeaway here

is that they both live
in the building legally.

Now, let's just sign that lease.

All right, Mr. Donovan,
I just need your signature here,

and this'll lock you into
the lease for another four years.

What's your hip situation?

Oh, I'm as hip as they come, baby! Yeah!

Now, that's a looker!

- Here ya go.
- Yep! All done.

You have the apartment
for another four years.

Enjoy it?

Oh, and I'm required to say:
Traces of cancerous stuff

have been found
in some of the apartments.

Have a nice day!

[door closes]

Four more years!
Four more years!

We get to stay in the place

I never thought I'd want to stay in.

Oh, lester, you're up.
Feeling better?

Like a million bucks.

I feel like my old self again.

Oh, hey, it's been 18 hours.

Let's go see if your friend's dead.

Yeah, Lester.
Let's get ya home.

What are you talking about?
I am home.

What do you mean?
This is our place.

Not according to that lease
I just signed.

I'll be in my bedroom.

Good to be home!

- Ruh-roh.
- Ruh-roh.

Ladies, this is delicious!

You know, at the home
they keep salt on lockdown.

Salt and the dementia patients.

Well, it doesn't look like
bad grandpa's leaving tonight.

Maybe I can help.

I can put some ground glass
in his Salisbury steak.

It's called a Ukrainian divorce.

Eh... I'll try this jell-o first.

Yeah, it's so old, it might kill him.

Lester, I brought you some jell-o.

- Would you like some?
- That's very nice of you,

but I'm not going anywhere.

Lester, really, you don't
want to live with us.

Caroline sings so much

she should have animated birds on her.

Look, there's no way I'm going
back to that retirement home.

I feel alive for the first time since...

Since I died briefly last year.

Oh, my God, really?

Yes, some nurse tripped
over the power cord.

A-and besides, it's really
helping me get over Olivia.

I'm finally realizing there are
plenty of other fish in the sea.

Hey, everybody!

And there's one of 'em. [chuckles]

She puts the "ass" in "bass."

Friend, I'll be in my booth.

Hey, Sophie.
You remember Lester.

Lester, you remember
when they discovered fire.

Please, please, join me.

May I buy you an egg cream?

Oh, I do love an egg cream.

Oh, excuse me, I gotta
go powder by nose.

Girls...

Girls, I know you want
your apartment back

and I'm a reasonable man,

so all I want before I go
is a little you-know-what.

More jell-o?

I'm talking about sex.
Rebound sex!

Rebound sex?

Are you sure you'll even be
able to rebound from having sex?

Are you kidding?

There's nothing but sex
at that retirement home.

Why do you think I put myself there?

It's wall-to-wall whoopee,

and you don't even have
to drive home after.

Now, I have in mind
a certain elegant lady.

Ahh, you're out of T.P.!

You can set me up
for one night with your friend,

and I will gladly leave the apartment.

[chuckles]

I'll be in your booth.

Hey, Sophie, you'll get
with that old guy, right?

Are you fricking kidding me?

Lester, she didn't go for it.

I'm not going back
to that retirement home

with my tail between my legs.

I gotta sleep with someone
to make Olivia jealous.

There's a new thing that
kids are doing called "lying."

Why don't you just make something up?

Pics or it didn't happen.

I need a selfie
with whoever I hook up with

for my Facebook page.

And if it's not gonna be Sophie,

My guess, it's gonna be
one of you two up in bed...

Slugger.

Slugger.

♪ Take me out to the ball game ♪

♪ Take me out... ♪

Now I know why Liza threw up.

Now I'm depressed.

So you lost the straw pull

for who's gonna sleep with Lester.

Look, you've been saying
you wanted to have sex

and you've also been saying
you wanna go antiquing.

So, behind that door are both.

And, Max, I think you
cheated in that straw pull.

Of course I cheated!

Look, I have had a lot of crazy sex.

I once did it with a clown at a funeral.

But I cannot see that penis pump.

I won't be able to come back from that.

You think I can?

I do, I think the science part
of your brain would enjoy it.

Ladies, I've stretched.

I'm ready.

Fine, I'll take the bullet.

I don't think there are
any bullets in that gun.

Are you sure?

'Cause I don't wanna have an old baby.

This is ridiculous

that we're even entertaining the thought

of doing anything with an
old man that isn't a Trump.

Max, I can't do this.

One of us will just have to take

that apartment in Earl's building

and you will find another place.

But then we'd have to live apart.

I know, but I don't see another choice.

I'm not ready to live without you.

I'm not ready to live without you.

[screaming]

[screaming]

What?

I saw the pump!
Pack your things!

Max, I can't believe you were
almost willing to do that

to live with me.

You know what, I'm going in.

Because the thought of not seeing you

24 hours a day, 7 days
a week, would kill me!

We'll meet
every Saturday morning for coffee.

Less and less over time, of course.

(Lester) That was a good start.
What else you got?

(both) Nothing!

Ah, I'm really liking
this whole back door thing.

Wow, that's the first time
I've ever said that.

Don't get used to it, Sophie.

You never do.

No, I mean, we're gonna
have to leave this place.

We couldn't do it with Lester.

I know, that's why I'm here.

You don't have to do this for us.

If you two didn't live in this building,

then we'd drift apart

and we'd only see each other
on saturdays for coffee.

Well... I'd probably only go once.

Look, just give me 90 seconds.

I mean, he's got a pump.
How hard could it be?

She's amazing.

We should probably
get her something for this.

What would be appropriate?

That good candle under the sink?

We've only used it once.

That seems right.
[door clicking]

I don't know what that was,
but I'm not up to it.

I-I don't think my heart could take it.

Afraid sex with Sophie would kill you?

Yeah, that's why I haven't gone there.

You know, I was all excited
about... about all the...

all the other fish in the sea.

[laughs]
That was a great white shark!

Hey, come on!

I just stretched.
I'm ready.

Look, uh, could we get a quick pic?

I might've gone there, too,
if I knew he had an iPhone 5s.

Try to be as sexy as possible.
Oh, okay, yeah.

[chuckles]

When Olivia sees that,
she's gonna say, "Morty who?"

Girls, enjoy your apartment.

I had some lovely times here.

Thank you so much, Lester.
Bye, grandpa.

Maybe sometime we could
come visit you in the home.

Email me. We'll talk.

That's still in play at his age?

Hey, thanks for the blue balls, Lester!

Nighty-night, girls.

Max, we get to stay together!

[gasps] And even better,

he left his wheelchair!

Push me into the kitchen,
I wanna crack open a beer.

I wonder if I'll be pushing
you like this when you're 70.

You'll be pushing me
like this when I'm 30.

[gasps]

There's no place like home.

I'll go get the scotch tape.