2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 6 - And the Candy Manwich - full transcript

Look at all these people

just sitting here
and not tipping,

working on their computers.

This guy has a brand-new Apple.

I've been eating
the same apple for a week.

I blame Steve Jobs.

These people are more like
Steve-I-have-no-jobs.

All right, that's it.

Earl, I need to get
the wireless router.

Oh, is that
what this is?

I thought it was
a cookie-warmer.

Attention deadbeat diners.

You can't just sit here
all night

and only order coffee.

This is not a Starbucks.

And I know that because
we don't sell

Norah Jones CDs or bananas.

This is the router
for the free Wi-Fi.

And that is a waitress
who needs to make some tips.

Seriously, guys,
I need actual cash.

This guy just offered
to pay me in ideas.

If I pull this plug,
the Internet will go down.

And you--that sad email
you're in the middle of writing

to your ex-boyfriend,

the one you shouldn't
send anyway--gone.

And you--

that vaguely
pornographic anime film

you've been illegally
downloading

for the past three hours--
gone.

And you--that screenplay
you've been writing,

you can keep working on it,
but we all know how it ends:

With you moving
back in with your mother.

Now, who's gonna order?

Great, I'll go get some menus.

Here, Caroline,
put this back.

Ooh, my cookie-warmer.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

Table ten
just ordered cocktails.

Yeah, 'cause we're
that kind of a place.

Does anyone know how
to make sex on the beach?

Easy.

I put on my speedo and wait.

Those girls have been
drinking for hours.

Just press every button
on the gun and add rum.

Look at them.
Not a care in the world.

Having a great time.

- I hate them.
- I hate them, too.

I hate them more.

I hate that
you hate them more.

So jealous.

Okay,
ready for party of four.

Excuse me.
Pardon me.

Excuse me.

Hey, baby!

Looking good.

Mm, always.

I'll be in my booth.

Sophie, you cannot take up
a whole booth alone.

There are people waiting.
You must leave.

Go stand in the corner now!

Before I bend you across
my knee and spank you

in front of the whole class.

Well, I was going to stand
in the corner anyway.

But tomorrow night,
smaller table.

Go stand in the corner now!

Okay, I'm over being
jealous of them.

Still? What are they--

sitting on vibrators?

Let it go.

They're not having that
good of a time.

No, Max, we're not
having that good of a time.

All we do is work.

When's the last time
we took a day

and just had fun?

I mean, those two idiots
remind me

how much fun it was
when I'd go out to lunch

and have cocktails
with my girlfriends

and watch them pretend to eat.

I think you're talking
about day-drinking,

and I think I like it.

All right,
let's do something fun.

I'll put on my bolo tie
and my best vest

and take my girl out to eat.

So, what is this lunch spot
you're taking me to?

Is it French?

Do you think the chef
will send

an amuse-bouche to the table?

No,
but this morning I shaved

a smiley face into my bouche,
and it's very amusing.

You know what?

It's just so fun
to get dressed up

and have someone wait on us
for a change.

I even bought new panty hose
from dooahnay rayahdey.

You mean Duane Reade?

Oh, is that
how you pronounce it?

Well, we're here.
Better get in line.

Oh, there's a line.
Popular place.

What's the name?

"Soup Kitchen."
That's a cute name.

Very Williamsburg.

Like, "let's take
our upscale urban bistro"

"And make it seem like
it's just a soup kitchen

"open to everyone,

but it's not really
a soup kitchen."

Oh, that's nice.
They let them use the bathroom.

And sit at a table.

Oh, my God!
This is really a soup kitchen.

This is your idea
of treating me to lunch?

We're not homeless.

No, but we are soup-less.

And it's not just
homeless people who eat here.

Okay, maybe they're
the target audience.

Look,
there's a lot of other people

who can't afford
to go out to eat.

You're right.

Why are there
so many hipsters here?

Because this place
isn't just for people

who don't have jobs,

it's for people
who don't want them.

Well, it does smell good.

Excuse me.

We'd like to take
a look at your lunch menu.

Menu changes every day.

Also, there is no menu.

There's, like, four things.

Oh, okay.
So what do you recommend?

Oh, what do I recommend?

Don't share needles,
and and use condoms.

But you didn't hear
that last one from me.

Are nuns even allowed
to be sarcastic?

If they are, I have
some serious thinking to do

about my future.

This sloppy Joe
is the most amazing

terrible thing
I've ever eaten.

I love that
it's basically pre-chewed,

so all you really have
to do is swallow.

So good,
I used to have these

every day
when I was a kid.

Well, then I guess
your childhood

- wasn't all that bad.
- Mm.

We couldn't afford
the real Manwich Mix,

so my mom's boyfriend,
Dirty Carl,

used to bring us
leftover meat scraps

and then bash 'em together
with old ketchup packets

he'd found in cars
at the junkyard.

Now I understand
why you think

this is
a nice restaurant.

Have you noticed
the more you drink,

the better
this place gets?

I've noticed the more
I drink,

the better everything gets.

Why don't we
drink every day?

Some of we do.

I'm having a great time.

Thank you, Max.

Well, yesterday,

you were so bummed
about your life,

I thought I'd take
you somewhere

you could feel good
about yourself.

Okay, I've been wanting
to say this the whole time.

I feel like we're the hottest
people in this room.

- Is that terrible?
- Yes.

Speaking of hot people...

Wait.

Are we drunk
or do we finally have one brain

- and the same taste in guys?
- I don't know,

but this is suddenly
my new favorite restaurant.

Let's go get ourselves
some of that man-wich.

I kind of like
"drunk Caroline" way more

than the other Caroline.

I kind of like her better,
too.

Excuse me, sisters.

Do you know the guy
who just came in here?

- The cute one.
- He's so cute, right?

His name is Andy,
and he just opened

a candy store
across the way.

Shut up!
Candy?

I love candy.

Question:

What would make
this day even better?

Candy?

You should totally
go for the hot guy.

Or you can go for him.

Let's think about this.

He's clean
and not a drug addict,

so he's more my type.

Well, he's got a store
full of candy and a penis,

so he's more my type.

You know what?

Go for it.
You've got dibs.

Aww, that's so nice
of you, Max.

Yeah, and while you're
doing him in the back room,

I'll be pocketing
some candy.

Oh, no.
It's closed.

Hey, Max, you
know what'd be fun?

If we threw that trash can
through the front window?

I was gonna say we should
leave him a note.

And what would be fun about
throwing that can

through a window?

Have you ever done it?
It's fun!

Oh, the sign's turned around.

He can see us.

He's smiling at us.

Should we go in?

If I learned anything
as a child,

it's when
a stranger offers you candy,

you say yes.

Hi.

We thought the sign
said you were closed.

Yeah, I turned it around.
I wanted you guys to come in.

♪ Come with me

♪ and you'll be

♪ in world
of pure imagination ♪

If this isn't
your thing,

I also have some Sabbath
and some Beastie Boys.

So, if this is "Candy Andy's
Sweets and Treats,"

are you Candy Andy?

Oh, please.
We hardly know each other.

Call me Candrew Andrew.

I'm Caroline,
and this is Max.

Max, say something.

Can't.
It's all too wonderful.

Look at all the candy crammed
in this little space.

It's like we're inside
Willy Wonka's colon.

Thanks.

Yeah, it's kind of
the look I was going for too.

And I know it's accurate

because I had
the Oompa Loompas help me.

They were expensive,

but what are you gonna
doom-pa-dee-doo?

Normally I'd ring the bell
after something that golden,

but I don't want to scare you.

Well, now I have
to hear the bell.

♪ Anything you want to

Now that's all
I want to hear.

Do you do free samples?

You do, by the way.

Let me hook you guys up.
On the house.

Marry this guy right now.

It's a small store.
I can hear you.

Good.
Moves things along faster.

Hey, come by
the Williamsburg diner sometime.

We work there.

We'll give you
free samples of food

you shouldn't
have to pay for anyway.

So, what brings you
in to this neighborhood?

-Oh, we were having lunch
at the--

this ...is a really adorable space.

Thank you.

You know, candy is my passion.

Yeah, I said it.
Always has been.

Even as a kid,
I would have my G.I. Joes

sell sweet tarts
to my Transformers.

Gum drops, gummy bears,
gummy worms,

gummy hot dogs,
gummy pizza.

Ooh, I just had a gummy-gasm.

So what was
your favorite candy as a kid?

Actually, I didn't eat
a lot of candy as a child.

Okay, I'm gonna overlook
that because you're pretty,

but maybe we could talk
about your terrible childhood

over coffee sometime.

Yeah?

I'd leave you two alone,

if this place
wasn't filled with candy.

Okay, so what's
your favorite flavor?

Coconut.

And I'm walking to the "C"s.

The candy's alphabetical?

- Now I'm marrying you too.
- Okay.

Let's see.
Coconut watermelon slice.

How's that sound?

Um, not so good.

Actually, please
don't say anything more

about candy.

Is it hot in here?

No, it's awesome
in here.

Boston baked beans?

Didn't know they weren't
real beans till I was 20.

Please stop.

Is it cold in here?

Is it hot and cold
in here?

Max, I feel weird.

Relax,
it's just your lady parts

waking up from hibernation.

Again, small store.

Can hear everything.

I am so sorry.
Pardon me.

Oh, uh,
are you okay?

I'm fine.

Max, I am not fine.

I'm gonna be sloppy joanne
in about two seconds.

Tiny, tiny store.

Do you need to use the--

No. We're fine.

We'll just be going.
Nice to meet you.

Nope, I'm not gonna make it.
Where is the--

Right--right there.

I'm sure she'll be all right.

I'm just gonna step outside.

The sound of someone
throwing up makes me--

Oh, dude, I've been trying
to not throw up this whole time.

Whew, what happened there,
right?

Feeling better?

Did she tell you
she projectile-puked

soup and sloppy seconds
all over a really cute guy

and his floor?

Let me put it
this way, Caroline.

In my heroin days,
that would have been

a perfectly acceptable
first date.

I don't understand it.

We ate
the exact same thing.

How could you have not
have gotten sick?

You must still have
"rich girl" stomach.

I'm used to poor food.

What made you sick
made my skin clear up.

- Hi, girls.
- Hey, Sophie.

I'll be in my booth.

Oh.

Well, this is weird.

It's okay.
You didn't know.

Don't let it happen again.
Okay, good-bye now.

Sophie, what do you think
you're doing?

What? They were sitting
in my booth.

It is not your booth,
it's my booth.

If it was your booth,
wouldn't it have a booster seat?

Oh, Sophie wants to dance?
We gonna dance.

Max. Hi.

It's Andy.
From the store.

The guy who let you walk out

with a push pop
in your pocket.

That wasn't a push pop, Andy.

I was happy to see you.

Well, you're gonna be
even happier in a minute.

Yay!

But these come with a catch.

Invites
for Caroline and you

to a party at my candy store.

But maybe
don't wear that uniform.

People are gonna think
you're a giant sugar daddy.

So, she's still going at it,
huh?

Such a skinny girl.

How much more
can come out of her?

Nah, she's just
a little embarrassed.

Something about self-esteem.
I don't know.

She throws it around like
it means something.

Well, I'd love her to come.
No pressure.

But if you can talk her
into it,

there'll be unlimited candy
for you

for the rest of your life.

Look at him,
stealing my bit.

The candy man came
with invitations

to a party at his store.

What, you think I wasn't
listening at the door?

I heard everything.

All the vomit jokes.
I heard them all.

Jewelry, already?

Your new husband likes
to throw the cash around.

He is not my new husband.

And now he never will be.

Ooh, bubble tape.

I finally meet
an adorable, sweet guy.

A guy so sweet,
the word "sweet"

is next to his name
on actual real estate.

And I completely destroy
any chance I have with him.

You didn't destroy anything.

And it's good to let him
know right off the bat

that you have a gag reflex.

Oh!
Oh, that's lovely.

Happy Valentines' Day.

I am not going to that party.

I can never see him again.

Well, do you mind
if I still go?

Being in a candy store
after midnight

is on my bucket list.

Funny, I thought that was
the impossible one.

You should go.
Have fun.

I think you're missing out,

because you two are perfect
for each other.

You're like
Hansel and Gretel.

They were brother and sister.

So?

- So, no Caroline, huh?
- Uh, no.

- She couldn't make it.
- Hmm.

Well, I'm feeling very sad,

but you'll never know it.

You're fine.

You don't seem to be short
on other female party guests.

Oh, come on. They're fiends.

Some of them I know
from the neighborhood.

Some I worked
with on Wall Street.

Wall Street?

Did you have
a little candy tray

you walked around with?

I wish.
That would have been awesome.

I was stuck in
an office pushing stock

in pharmaceutical companies.

Wait.

You know people
who have access to pills?

And just when I thought you
couldn't get any better.

Yeah, one day,
I went into the firm,

and there was no firm.

Bankrupt. Boom.

End of job, no money.
Nothing.

And after I drank nonstop
for a week,

I figured,
hey, now I can do

what I've always dreamed of.

Open a candy store,
be my own boss.

So I used all my savings
and opened up this place.

And pretty soon,

Candy Andy will rule

the world
of sweets and treats.

That sound braggy?

No.

All right,
kick everybody out,

and let's go back
to my place.

Ah...Max, no offense,

but I'm more into your friend.

Um, Andy, no offense,

but I'm more into the candy
than the Andy.

I want you to come
to my apartment

and say hey to Caroline.

I was right.

You two are perfect
for each other.

Yeah?

I mean, it would be nice
to hang with her

in pants
I don't care about.

She's not here.

She must have taken
the horse for a walk.

Wait, you have a horse,

and I'm just hearing
about this now?

I have a candy store
and it's out of my mouth,

in the first 30 seconds.

Be right back.
I have to pee.

She'll be okay with me
being here, right?

Yeah,
she was just embarrassed.

She'll get over it.

What are you doing?
Knock first!

Why are your legs up
in the air like that?

And why were you holding
the shower head

down by your--
Oh!

I'm sorry.

I thought you'd be home
feeling bad for yourself,

not feeling your bad self.

What are you doing
home already?

Why aren't you
at the Candy Andy party?

Oh, don't look at me
like that.

It's not like
I'm the only person

in the world
who masturbates.

Also, Andy's here.

We wanted to surprise you.

But then you surprised us.

It's not a big deal.

That kind of situation
happens to a lot of people.

Who? Who has that
ever happened to?

I know this might be
a delicate area right now,

but I'm thinking you should
probably pay more

than half of our water bill.

Hey, girls.

I need some hot tea
to warm me up.

There's no hot water
in our building

when I tried to take
a shower.

That's because
it's all in Caroline.

Max!

You are too tense.

Here. Take this
and relax a little.

Eh?

This doing anything for you?

Well, I'll be in my booth.

Hello, Sophie.

What are you doing
in my booth?

It's not your booth,
it's my booth. And look.

All the other booths are taken.

So you'll have to sit
at small table,

as is customary
for lone diners.

This is my booth.

It's okay, you didn't know.
Okay, bye-bye now.

Hello, Max.
Check out my new booth.

I think it's better.

Oh, no.
I don't want to see him again.

Look, he's already seen
you at your worst.

You vomited and masturbated.
That's your full range.

Hi.

Look, I know you're
really embarrassed about--

well, everything.

And there's really nothing
I can say

to convince you
not to be.

So...

Who's embarrassed now?

And to further my embarrassment,

I will now do gymnastics
in public.

That is not embarrassing.
It was amazing.

All right.

Well, then come back
to my house

and watch me masturbate.

Or we could just get coffee.

Yay,
I'm so happy!

Thanks, Max.

No, not for you.
For me.

I'm getting unlimited candy
and maybe some pills.