2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 5 - And the Pre-Approved Credit Card - full transcript

Uhm... what's happening right now?

Max, are you smoking crack?

It's not crack. It's lipstick.
I can't afford crack.

I'm at the end of my good
lipstick and I can't afford

to buy a new one
so I'm going all Breaking Bad.

"Breaking Bad"?

We're more like broke and sad.

You're freebasing
lipstick and look,

this heel is starting to wobble.

Here, stick this in
and hold it.

I swear I've said that before,

but I don't think
it was about shoes.

Yo, dollface.
It's been ten minutes!

His chowder, my spaghetti.
Where's the food?

"Where's the food"?

Where's your neck?

I wasn't listening.
I was looking at your boobs.

Well, I do what I can
but they'll never be

as big as yours.

Pick up.
Meatball.

Hey, hot stuff.
Where's the hot stuff?

Oh, Max.
You were right.

This heel is
much more--no.

No, wait!
No, it's not.

It's gonna--

Those are the biggest balls
those guys have had

in their laps since
they started steroids.

I can't believe you masking
taped the shoe to your leg.

I know but these are
Christian Louboutins and

even all busted up like
this they still have

the classic red bottoms.

You know what else
has red bottoms?

Baboons.

Walk around with a couple
of them on your feet

and I'm impressed.

Well, at least now you can't
see those stupid bows.

Who put bows on their shoes?
What's the gift?

Your stinky feet?

You don't think
I hate the bows?

I bought these as an impulse
purchase over a year ago.

I didn't know I'd be shackled
with them for eternity.

Oh, Caroline.

I never noticed
you had a club foot.

I would have set you up
with my brother.

I broke my shoe in the diner.

Oh, I can help.

I always carry
my gym shoes in my bag.

I'm sorry they're
so conservative

but the weight room
is a real meat rack.

Sophie, that's
so sweet of you.

But I still have one pair
of my own shoes to wear.

Oh, well take
them just in case.

You should take them.

You'll make $20
just walking to work.

And some of your mail
got mixed in with mine.

This is like the third time
that mail lady did that.

All right.
Nighty night.

Max, you will not believe
what just came addressed to you.

Let me explain.
I'm not a scientologist.

I just went that one time
because I heard

some rich guy was
looking for a wife.

No, we've been pre-approved
for a credit card.

What?

How the hell did
we get pre-approved?

It says all we have to do
is go online and apply

and we can be approved
in under two minutes.

Slow down, Quasimodo.
I can't have a credit card.

Someone gave me a bag of
Chips Ahoy! cookies once

and I ate the entire thing
without breathing.

Well, you're not
a child any more.

You have more discipline.

The cookies were yesterday.

Okay, what is that thing?
What is that spinning wheel?

It's just processing
our application.

No, it's not.

It's finding out
everything about us.

Now it's finding out your dad
stole millions of dollars.

Now it's finding out I got fired
from eight Dairy Queens.

Now it's finding out why I got
fired from eight Dairy Queens.

Oh, my God.
Max, we're approved.

We've just been approved.

What? What is wrong with them?
Does Dairy Queen report nothing?

Get back on there
and disapprove us.

Okay.
Calm down.

We need this card
for our business.

All we have to do is
communicate with each other

about every purchase,
you know?

Keep an open dialogue.

So, opening dialogue.
For our business,

I would like
a pair of Louboutins.

Opening dialogue.
No.

And I felt stupid miming that.
I hate the arts.

Look, you can't get
everything you want.

I would like a box of lizards.

Love lizards, always have,

but you don't see me
putting that on a credit card.

I need a new pair of shoes
for business meetings.

You know what they say,

"dress for the job you want,
not the job you have".

Okay, fine.

If you're getting the shoes,
then I'm getting what I want.

I hope you're happy
with an apartment

full of lizards and lipstick.

Also, some of those lizards
will be wearing lipstick.

Earl, you are looking
particularly gorgeous

this evening.

Well, I would say,
"don't flatter me"

but let's face it.

Everything came
together tonight.

Is it another woman?
Should I be filled with anger?

I mean,
more than I usually am?

I just want to look nice
for my son when he comes in.

What? No way,
I'm going to meet your kid?

Well, one of them.

"One of them"?
How many do you have?

So far?

Oh, Earl, I love you.

This is my son, Darius.

He's the number one
Chrysler salesman

in all of Detroit,
and he's my very favorite,

if he's the one
I'm thinking of.

Excuse me,
but aren't you Max

of Max's Homemade Cupcakes?

Earl, look.

Our credit card came
in the mail today.

See?
"Max Black".

No more using the card
I found at Six Flags.

Thank you for never checking
your statement, Agnes Chin.

Girls, take my advice

and be very careful
with that thing.

Credit cards
are more trouble

than a priest
at a Wiggles concert.

Yes, Earl.

I can't believe it.
A credit card for our business.

So when are we getting
the shoes and lizards?

Max, remember.

We have to be grown-ups
about this.

Of course.

"Two lizards, please.
No, make it three."

Hi, I'm looking for Earl.

And no, I'm not here to return
a bag of skunky weed.

Oh, my God.
I'm so excited to see you.

Come on in, I'll take really,
really good care of you.

Oh, you need to know I just
separated from my wife,

so I'm a little vulnerable.

She's not usually
this nice to customers.

She's just excited.

She's about to come
into some lizards.

Yeah, again.

I've been out
the dating pool for a while,

so everything sound like
a sexual innuendo to me.

He is not a customer.
Look at him.

Don't you see the resemblance?

Oh, my God
is he your father?

Yes.
He's my father.

And my mother is
a piece of chalk.

Daddy!

Thank God, it is
the one I thought.

There's my little boy!

So, Darius, what was
Earl like as a dad?

It must have been great, huh?

I bet he packed
the coolest lunches.

A joint for recess,
and a gin and juice box.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
He was a great dad.

I mean, he was always there.
Except for my childhood.

You've gotta laugh!

Earl is sitting right there.

Well, it's a joke.
Take it easy there, fun size.

Han, take no offense.

He's just pulling
your leg a little.

Darius has always been funny.

Why am I thinking
about Terrence?

I don't know.
I'm the funny one, Dad.

I don't recall there being
a Terrence in our family,

but then again, I don't know
how far you've thrown your seed.

You've gotta laugh.

Do you?

Darius was voted
the funniest salesman

at the Chrysler dealership.

Yes, I was.
And that's why I quit my job.

To pursue my dream
to become a comedian.

See?
See, he's funny.

Always making jokes.

That's not a joke, Daddy.

No, no,
that's why I'm in town.

To audition at the comedy club
tomorrow night.

I already got my stage name.

"Darius The Hilarious".

I think
it's a good choice, right?

Is it?

Well, obviously, Big D,
we will all be there

to support you.

Will we?

Hold up, Darius.
How did all of this happen?

Well, I mean,
I knew a guy at Cadillac

who knew a guy at Toyota
who knew a guy at Subaru

who sold the club owner
a Dodge.

And then he hit a kid with it.

The kid should have dodged.

You gotta laugh!

There's a dead kid in the mix
and we got to laugh?

It's not his fault
he's not funny.

We put his sense of humor
on a high shelf.

Hey, Max, you know,

Daddy always told me
you were special,

and now I see it.

And it's not just because you
think everything I say is funny.

You feel like family.

I do? Oh, I always
wanted a brother...

Who was a brother.

Max, do you expect me to wait
on all the tables tonight?

Well, I am kind of
in the middle of

my family reunion right now.

And where is
Mr. Hilarious' soup?

Look at blondie, here.
She's like,

"Oh my God, do black people
even eat soup?"

"It's like, whatever."

That is a dead-on Caroline.

Is it?

Here is your
order ticket from tonight.

This pile is for
the people who found hair.

These are the hairs
that the people found.

Oh, you sound Russian.

That's funny because you're not
rushin' to make my soup.

No, no, no, no.
I'm kidding you, man.

I get it.
You're just too busy back there

not putting on deodorant.

You gotta laugh.

Do you?

Max, I might be crazy
but now I feel like

the heel of this shoe's
starting to--

Oh, gosh.
Now I got to go wipe this down.

You know, I was going to
wear this for my audition.

And that's gotta go well.

Yes, it does.
Because son,

there are two jobs in Detroit,
and you just quit one of them.

Don't worry, Daddy.
I'll make you proud.

All right?
You'll see.

Daddy's been wrong before.

He didn't think I could
make it on Soul Train,

but there I was,

in the bottom left corner
on Soul Train.

I feel so terrible.

Well, you know we have
to buy him a new shirt.

Max, I've made
seven dollars so far.

We can't afford to buy
him a shirt.

We can go shopping for
a reasonable shirt.

We have to.
He's family.

Is he?

And I have to say, I don't like
that brand of put-down humor.

And that blonde stereotype?

I mean,
I don't even say "whatever".

But, you know, it's fine.
Whatever.

Max, slow down.

I can't walk any faster
in Sophie's giant sneakers.

I can't believe
she benches 250 in these.

Oh, my God.

My hand just touched
the subway floor.

How do I know
someone didn't pee here?

Oh, honey,
I've peed here.

This is New York.
It's made of pee.

And pee hand is what you get
for refusing to wear flat shoes.

No way.

I'm living so close
to the gutter as it is.

I can't risk being any shorter.

Here's where we're
meeting Darius.

"Subway Style".

Every time I walk by
this place I wonder

"who would ever shop here?"

Now I know--us.

First my heel breaks,

and now I'm
shopping underground.

How much lower can I get?

Brunch on the earth's core?

Mmm, oh.
Excuse my mouthful.

Mm, I wasn't expecting ladies.

We usually just sell
to pimps and pastors.

What can I help
you dolls with?

Actually, we're just
here meeting a friend.

We're going to help him
pick out a shirt.

Oh, that guy?

He's already in the dressing
room trying one on now.

Now, listen,
if the price is too high,

you and I can, uh, negotiate.

Or you.

I still can't believe
we're using our tip money

to buy him a shirt.

We're only going
to spend like $40.

And you heard the man.
It can go down.

If you go down.

Oh, hey ladies.
There you are.

Look, I switched it up
a little bit.

Do you like me in pink?

My boyfriend does.

He says it makes my cheeks
look rosy, all four of them.

You gotta laugh,
you gotta laugh!

Darius, we're family,
so I'm just going to tell you

like it is.

That material
feels a little funky.

I mean, that kind of humor might
have worked over at Toyota--

- It's Chrysler.
- Whatever.

But this is New York.
There are a lot of people,

be them gays, or blondes,
who might take offense to that.

I mean, I don't,
but, whatever.

Oh, no, no, no.
I was just playing.

That's not the kind of stuff
I'm gonna do in my act tonight.

No, I wrote some real jokes
with a comic back home.

And, he's Jewish, so you know
it's gonna be funny.

And not cheap.

Again, see?
That's the kind of stuff...

Caroline, come on.
It's so wrong it's right.

Look, I have
the jokes right here.

Let's take them on a little
test drive and see how they do.

All right?
So back it up, ladies.

You going to need
some laughing room.

This is going to be hilarious.

Anybody here have a Smart Car?

Because I don't think it's smart
to drive half a car.

That was new,
I'll keep working on it.

All right, let's try
another one.

You know what, maybe
we weren't back far enough.

Yeah!

Yeah, that feels funnier
already, right Caroline?

All right.

You know who doesn't
drive a Smart Car?

Smart people.
They don't do it.

You gotta laugh.

Seriously.

You've got to.
I've got a lot riding on this.

I just got it.

Oh, my God.
He stinks.

He stinks on ice.
Darius is gonna bomb tonight

and worse, he's going to bomb
in front of Earl.

And Earl's pretty sure that's
the son he's most proud of.

You're right.
What are we gonna do?

Now I know you lovely ladies
came in for a shirt,

but can I interest you
in a nice suit?

Look at this one.
It's a classic.

You can't get
this color above ground.

That's it.
Darius needs a suit.

All the professional
comedians wear suits,

and like you said,

you have to dress
for the job you want.

And with jokes like that,

he needs the funniest suit
they have.

Do you have anything from
the Sinbad collection?

I do.

Max, I don't think
the suit's gonna be enough.

I think he needs something else,
you know, like, a puppet.

A puppet?

That's exactly
what he needs.

I went out with
a guy last night.

Asked me if we could go Dutch.

I said, "I don't know."

"What's Dutch for
cheap-ass bitch?"

You kick him to the curb!

We'll be right back,

because Mama's gotta go
put her feet up.

Uh, miss?

Can we get another round
when you get a chance?

Another round?

And keep them coming until
we can no longer see.

Put it on my card.

You got it.

Man, that feels good
every time.

Hey, Max.
Just because

you're buying me drinks

doesn't mean
I'm going to put out.

My celery stick is my
microphone at the comedy club!

I'm here, I'm here.

Did you get the puppet?

Oh, I've got the puppet.

Hey, come on in.

Hey, girls.
How you doing?

Darius The Hilarious is pumped.

I'm totally in
my zone right now.

And I can't miss
in this suit.

Well...

Darius, that's what we wanted
to talk to you about.

- You know we're big fans.
- Big, big fans.

You're amazing,
your act's incredible.

Your Darius The Hilarious.

Max and I love
the Smart Car stuff.

It's hilarious,
per your name.

But, well, it is New York.

Not a lot of people
are smart, or have cars.

Yeah, you know New York.

Not exactly the cutting edge.

So, after Max and I left you,
we had a thought.

We got you a puppet.

And, yes, I was stoned.
But Caroline was laughing

just as hard as me.

You got me a what?

A puppet.
We got you a puppet.

But I don't use a puppet.

Until you do.

Just imagine,
at the end of your act

- or in the beginning...
- Or all the way through.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Darius The Hilarious

and his partner,
Justin Beaver!

"Damn, girl.
And I mean dam."

"As in, I built one."

And you don't even
have to be funny because

Justin Beaver does
the work for you.

Show him, Max.

"I'm straight".

You gotta laugh!

Do I?

I mean, honestly?

Making fun of
Justin beaver's Sexuality?

I find that a tad offensive.

This next act comes to us
from the Motor City.

Please give it up for
Mr. Darius The Hilarious.

All right.
How's everybody doing tonight?

Who out there
has a Smart Car?

Because I don't think it's smart
to drive a half a car.

You gotta laugh.

Oh, no.
I ran out of fake laughter.

Yeah, I mean, Smart Car.

Have you seen this thing?

It's like you driving
around in a backpack.

You gotta laugh.

Do we?

Why don't we have a Smart Car
write some jokes for you?

Yeah, well, I can see why you
would defend the Smart Car.

It's the only car your feet
can reach the pedals in.

Yeah, but that's so true.
He's very short!

As is the car.
It all lines up.

Look at this
gray-haired scrub, man.

Apparently black do crack.

Hey, Don King called.

Said he want
his whole head back.

Max, look.
Look how proud Earl is.

Hey, hey, hey, blondie.

You mind not talking
until I finish?

Wait, a minute.
You're probably just thinking,

"Oh, my God. Shoes, shoes,
hairbrush, shoes."

Oh, my God.

I actually was
thinking about shoes!

I'm sorry, there's
a problem with your card.

It's been declined.

Max.

Darius told me what you did and
that was awful nice of you.

Now, here.
I am reimbursing you

for all of the clothes
and for that damn puppet.

Although I swore I would
never pay for beaver.

Do you think he'll
ever make it, Earl?

Who's to say nowadays, Max?

America's Got Talent.
Do they?

All I know is he's my kid,
and you went out of your way

to try and help him.

Well, I just wanted
you to be proud.

I am, Max.
Very proud.

I just talked to Visa.

I think they were disappointed
they had pre-approved us.

Look, I killed it.
I had to.

It was telling me
to buy a Harley.

Okay, open dialogue.

I used the credit card for
one more thing yesterday.

Open dialogue.
So did I.

It's the fanciest lipstick
Payless had.

Aw.
And here.

Max, are there lizards
in that bag?

I wish.

They're as good as new
and no bows.

Max, where'd you find a cobbler?

A cobbler?

I took a time machine.

I was supposed to
kill Hitler,

but I thought your shoes
were more important.

Okay, let's cut up your card.

We should keep one
for business emergencies.

We just have to have
to put it someplace where

we'll never be tempted
to reach for it.

Oleg, would you put this
down your pants?

No problem.