2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 7 - And the Three Boys with Wood - full transcript

Caroline can't seem to get Andy more interested once he finds out she's a Channing; Max brings home two Amish teens and offers them a place to stay in exchange for them building Chestnut a barn.


What are you doing
back so early?

Did Chestnut
forget his wallet?

No, we saw that cat
we don't like.

I tried to spray it
with a water bottle,

but it just laughed at us,
so we ran.

What are you doing
out here?

Enjoying the day.

The coming of autumn
is my favorite time of year.

I love the leaves.

Oh, gross!
A condom!

Wow, I guess autumn
really is coming.

Who would throw that
over our wall?

- That cat.
- What?

He's not only arrogant,

he wants us to know
he has sex.

All I know is,
if I had nine lives,

I wouldn't wear
a condom.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[Cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh o
ooh ooh ooh ♪

Hey, you know, we should start
figuring out

what to do with Chestnut
this winter,

now that it's already
peak condom dropping season.

You're right, Chestnut
is the most important thing.

But more importantly,
what do you think

of this vintage sweater
I chose for my date with Andy?

It's nice.

But won't it be hard to pull off
over your head in the cab?

I'm assuming
you'll do it in a cab.

Max, it's a first date.
That's not appropriate.

Is it?

I mean, I've never
dated poor.

What is acceptable
on a first date?

Well, I'm pretty classy,
so anal?

I'm not that poor.

Well, you better
give him something

to keep him interested
because he owns a candy store,

and I want
free candy forever.

[Knock at door]

There he is.

Can you bring him
out in the yard,

so he can see me in my sweater
next to my horse?

Okay, freak.

But next time a guy
comes knocking for me,

you have to take him
to my bedroom,

so he can see me
in my slayer shirt

next to my glo worm
filled with pot.

Hello, sir, I'm here
to pick up your daughter.

And what exactly
are your intentions?

I don't know.

Maybe take her
on a romantic hayride,

knock her out
with chloroform,

and sell her kidney
for a new iPad.


Come outside.

Miss Channing wants
you to see her

looking like the girl
who got cut

from the J. Crew catalog
for being too white.

Miss Channing?
Max, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Caroline is Caroline Channing
Caroline Channing?

Yeah, she used to be
a billionaire,

but now all her money
is in here.

[Coins rattling]

Oh, wait, some of these
are buttons.


Yeah, I just thought she was
a regular Williamsburg girl.

She doesn't try that hard.

And I was wrong.

Oh, hi.
I didn't hear you knock.

Well, you two
have a good time.

And, young man, if you don't
swing by your store

and bring me
some Pixie Sticks,

you'll never see
my little girl again.

Way ahead of you.


Yeah, definitely anal.

Oh, baby.

Look who's a half hour
late for work.

Must have been a pretty hot date
with the candy man.

So did you touch
his whatchamacallit?

Did you bring him
to Almond Joy?

His butterfingers
got nowhere near my mounds.

Now, if we could be adults
for a second--

Well, your mounds
are more like Sno-Caps,

but continue.

Well, nothing happened.

Even after four hours of me
breathing heavily and saying...

"I'm having a really good time."

Look, I don't want to be
this girl, but I think--

think he might be gay.

He's gay
because he's not turned on

by four hours
of coffee breath?

[Bell dings]

What's up?

[Seductively] I'm having
a really good time.

I must go
to the men's room right now.

That proves nothing.

Oleg is always looking
for an excuse

to put it somewhere.

Why do you think we don't
serve bagels any more?

Andy is not gay.

And I'm not just setting you up
for a life of confusing,

self-questioning non-sex
for the free candy,

although that does
sound like me.

He is really into you.

He might be into me,

but he doesn't seem to want
to get into me.

Maybe he just
wants me as a friend.

No way.

You are, like, 80 pounds
and a coke addiction shy

from being qualified to be
a gay guy's female friend.

What's so important
you two have to be in here

gabbing like schoolgirls when
there are customers waiting?

If you must know,

Caroline and I were discussing
if someone we know is gay.

I once had

a homosexual experience
in college.

With another girl?

No, there was a boy
who was interested in me.

He was captain
of the football team.

He would come
to my dorm room

and ask me
to do his homework,

and then he would leave.

Never mind.

I never had
a homosexual experience.

Keep wearing
those sweaters, Han.

It'll happen.

And if you think
your life sucks now,

it just got worse.

Look, a new hipster strain.
Ironic Amish.

No way.

I'm taking care of these
two butter churners right now.

Look, I'm telling you
what I told Mumford & Sons,

get out.

Go, you hipster Amish wannabes.

But we really are Amish.

Yes, we're here
on Rumspringa.

And I'm here
on a little bit of vodka.

It's sort of like what
you might call Spring Break.

We get to leave
the ways of the Amish

and experience
the modern world.

Well, I beggeth
thy forgiveness.

Haveth a seat-eth
in the booth-eth.

Have a seat in the booth.

Earl, I got
two Amish in my booth.

Well, you let them know
right up front

that we don't accept
travelers checks or livestock.

So Amish, huh?

Yes, ma'am.
From Pennsylvania.


You know what,
that's kind of hot.

I always thought
I'd have to wait

20 more years to be a cougar,
but, rawr, here I am.

Why don't I bring you boys
some coffee, on me?

We can't
drink coffee, ma'am.

Coffee is the Devil
in a cup.

We can do whatever we want,
Jacob, we're in New York.

Yeah, Jacob.
Listen to, uh--

- Jebediah.
- For real?

Did you see the size
of her nursers?

Those guys
are for real Amish.

I love the Amish culture.

You love
every culture.

You salute the flags
at IHOP when we walk by.

Oh, my God.
That's it.

Max, question.
What are the Amish known for?

Oh, no.
It's sixth grade all over again.

Just give me an "F"
and move on.

They build barns, and we--

We need a barn
for Chestnut.

Come on.
And let me do the talking.

I am very good
at manipulating young boys.

I once got a ten-year-old
I was babysitting

to buy me a box of Pop-Tarts
with his allowance.

So this is our place.
Not much, but--

You have so many possessions.
Are you rich, ma'am?


And I have to say,
this "ma'am" thing

is still working
for me.

Um, okay, Jacob.
That's enough with the lights.

There will be plenty of time for
fun with electricity tomorrow,

but it's late.

Let's discuss
sleeping arrangements.

You two can sleep out here,

and Max and I
will sleep in her bed.

Does that work for you?

Both: Okay.

Oh, sorry.
I left my bra.

your b-b-bra?

Jacob, stop acting
like a child.

I'm sorry about him.

Don't be.

At least it was her bra.

Mine would have killed
the kid.

So I was thinking
we could drive our truck

to my Uncle's lumberyard
in the morning

and get the wood
for the barn.

Okay, but there seems to be
plenty of wood right here.

Oh, hello.

Don't be embarrassed,

It's perfectly natural when
you're exposed to new things.

The first time I saw a picture
of those fat twins on scooters,

I was hard
for days.

Why don't you two go outside
and play with the horse?

Both: Okay.

And thank you for letting us
stay at your place.

Your home is dope.

You don't even know
what that means, Jebediah.

It's hipster talk, Jacob,
and it's awesome.

Are we sure
this is a good idea?

You saw how turned on
he was.

He was practically
raising a barn in his pants.

We're fine,
they're fine.

Just a typical male reaction

to a couple of hot cougars
like us.


You know what isn't
a typical male reaction?

Not calling or texting
a girl you're interested in.

Well, why don't you
just text Andy, then?

What should I text?

"Why so gay,
question mark"?

I don't know.

The only thing
I've ever texted to a guy is,

"there's a cop behind you,
walk past me."

Just say "hey."

I can do that.


Huh, it autocorrected
to "gay."

Even the phone's
getting that vibe.

There, sent it.

Do you think
I could grab a beer?

- Yes.
- No.

Look, they're working
for us for free.

- One beer each.
- Awesome, awesome, awesome.

Max, you can't give
underage kids beer in our home.

Isn't that what love is?

beer is the Devil's saliva.

[Knock at door]

Neighbors come a-calling
after midnight in Williamsburg?

Where is this William?

I'd like to compliment him
on his burg.

Hi, girls, I just
came down for a cupcake--

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Hold on.

Who are the two cute puppies
in the kitchen?

Look at you two.

You are
the cutest little things.

Yes, you are--

Ooh, and this one
has an erection.

Jacob, don't look
directly at her.

She's like an eclipse
with boobs.

Sorry, girls.

I didn't mean to interrupt
your lovers' session.

Sophie, they're just here
to build a barn for Chestnut.

Oh, sure.
Wink, wink.

"Building a barn," is that
what we're calling it now?

Wink, wink.

Caroline's telling
the truth, Sophie.

It's strictly business.

Oh, so you're paying
for them?

Ooh la la.

How much do they cost?

Because, yeah,
I also need a barn.

Wink, wink.

Well, here's
your cupcake, Sophie.

Good night.

Oh, but I want
to play with the puppies.

It's very late.

You can come back
in the morning.


This is like when they cancelled
Christmas in my village.

Look, look at his pants.
That one misses me.

Nighty night,

[Cell phone chimes]

That must be Andy.

He sent me emojis?

All I get back
are tiny, little pictures,

when I spent the time and energy
to write "Hey"?

Rainbow, dollar sign, muffin.
Could be worse.

I once got naked guy,
naked girl, tombstone.

I wasn't sure what it meant,
but I immediately got tested.

Yep, Chestnut, pretty soon
you'll be safe and sound,

with a roof over your head,

and you and I
can finally be safe

from the unending torment
of that condom-throwing cat.

All ready
for my second date.

Slut, party of one.
Slut, party of one.

You know it.

Plus, I'm taking him
to that bar

where only cheap girls
go to get laid.

You know,
the one you like.

The Just Slip It Inn?

And if that place
plus this outfit

doesn't put his pedal
to my metal,

it's clearly
never happening.

Well, that outfit's sexy,
but not foolproof.

Oh, it's not?
Follow me, please.


And I'm not saying
I'm that hot,

but I've never seen
anybody drop wood

and get wood
at the same time.

Bye, baby, mama's going
to get day-laid.

Hey, Max.

Would it be okay
if we take our shirts off?

We're sweating, and--


I mean, that's--
sure, whatever.

If you want to.

Oh, crap.
I don't have any ones.

Could you spray me
with that water bottle?

Oh, right.
Oh, I'm going to spray you.

Is that really what you think
is going to happen?

I'm going to spray you, and then
I'm going to get turned on,

and then I'll start spraying
stutter stud over there,

and then we're all
having sex?

No, Max.
I got him.

Here you go, puppies.

Oh, now I wet
the shy one.

Oh, and, boys,
I'm going to need you

to come up here next
and fix something

because it broke.

What's broken?




[Dance music]

♪ Hot ♪

♪ hot ♪

Look at the couple
behind us.

I mean, save some
for the men's room stall,

am I right?

I'm having
a really good time.


I'm having
a really good time!

I think
we need more drinks.

Would you like
a Jack and coke?

Or maybe just a Jack?

[Cell phone chimes]

Oh, no, if you're calling me,
then the date's not going well.

I'm not crazy, right?

He did hunt me down and beg me
to go out with him?

Nothing again?

Well, maybe he's not feeling
that place.

then he's the only one,

'cause it's so horny here,
I'm about to have sex

with the couple
at the next table,

and they're both redheads,
which is so gross.

Hold on a second.
Um, hey, guys?


Perfect, thanks.

I mean, why did
he even ask me out again?

Well, I kind of
might have said something--

Now I'm even more humiliated.

You forced a gay guy
to go out with me?

Who am I?
The girl with lupus at the prom?

Andy is not gay.

He hasn't said one mean thing
about strangers

while I've been
around him.

Well, then he's paralyzed
from the waist down

and hides it
by walking.

Okay, that's it.
I'm leaving.

No, don't, I'll come there.
Maybe it'll help.

You two were really hot
when I was standing between you.

Okay, and hurry.

I don't want to go home
with the redheads.

Why do they even
let them in here?

Leaving here is probably
a good idea anyway.

If I stay any longer,
I'm going to do something

I'll have to pretend
to regret.

[Dance music]


How weird running
into you guys here.

My favorite bar that I come to
all the time just 'cause.

Hi, Andy.
These guys are our friends.

We're Amish.

Awesome band name.

Why did you bring them?

I was afraid
to leave them home.

Sophie was running out of things
to break in her apartment.

So what are
you guys drinking?


Shut it, Jacob,
or I will smite thee.

uh, I'll go with you.

FYI, I'm leaving
with the redheads

in five minutes.

Hi, can I get a pitcher
of tap, please?

Would you like
to dance, Caroline?

Oh, thank you.
But that is so not my thing.

And besides,
that's not so much a dance floor

as an STD Mosh Pit.


So she called you,

I saw her talking on the phone
using lots of hand gestures.

I figured it was
about how bad the date is.

Okay, I'm going to try and put
this as politely as I can,

but what the hell
is wrong with you?

Make a move.

Max, I really
like her, but...

What is the but?

But she's Caroline Channing.

And you're Andy something.

Yeah, I'm Andy something
who owns a small candy store,

and she was practically
a princess.

Was a princess.

Now she has five pairs
of underwear

and hasn't done laundry
in eight days.

Max, honestly, I mean,
I use those stupid emojis

to buy time to figure out
what I wanted to say.

That's why emojis exist.

So guys like me
don't have to say,

"I'm not good enough.
I sell gum."

She's the same girl
you met in your candy store.

No, she's not.

That was just a regular,
pretty Williamsburg girl.

Now, she's refined,
rich Caroline Channing.

He thinks
you're rich and refined.

- It's a real boner blocker.
- What?

He found out who you were,
and he's intimidated.

You have to act cheap
and unrefined.

It's the only way.

Here we go.

I also ordered
you guys some nachos.

No jalapenos.

I know
that's the Devil's garnish.

Great, nachos.

They're so low-rent
like me.

But first, I'm going
to chug some draft beer

like I always do.

And now
I'm gonna freak-dance.

Slut, party of one.

Come on, Jacob.
I'm going to tear that ass up.

Y-y-you are?

♪ ♪

That's not special at all.

Oh, my God!

Call the paramedics.

I danced an Amish boy
to death.

[Siren wails]

[Siren wails]

Look at poor Jacob.
I feel awful.

It was just panic attack
coupled with his first orgasm.

Paramedics said
he'll be fine.

I think
that's what they said.

It was hard to hear
over all their laughing.

[Cell phone chimes]

More emojis
from Andy.

Christmas tree, fireworks,
Martini glass.

Okay, that's it.
I'm done.

Well, here he comes.

What is this
supposed to mean?

Oh, that?
That means...

I love emojis.

I think my work here
is done.

Max, I'm going to go
with Jacob in that thing

we wouldn't let take
our grandmother.

And I just wanted
to say good-bye

and thank you
for everything.

you built us a barn,

we almost killed your friend--
I'd say we're even.

Well, Jacob says
he's going to go home,

but I met this girl
in the bar

whose roommate
overdosed yesterday,

so there's a spare room,
and I've decided to stay.


So got any words
of wisdom

for a kid trying to make it
in the world?

No, do you?

Look, just know you're going
to struggle for a while.

Someone's going to ask you
what time it is,

and when you look
at your watch,

he's going to put
his penis on you.

But like Dan Savage says,
it gets better.

it hasn't for me,

so maybe that only applies
to questioning teens.

In short, there's really
no point to anything,

but sometimes, you get
to eat candy or have sex,

and that's
when it all feels right.

[Cat meows]

Oh, no.

Caroline, the cat.

I'm on my own.

Oh, no, you bastard,
not tonight.

It is not going down

[Cat hisses]

All right,
you win this one.


[Cash register bell dings]