2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 21 - And the Worst Selfie Ever - full transcript

My new sheets
from the "Under A Dollar" store

feel so luxurious,

like they could maybe cost
over a dollar,

maybe even 2 or 3.

Yup. It was a good day
over at the "Under A Dollar."

Steak, bed stuff,
and my new steak eatin' chair.

Doesn't it worry you that
you got that meat and furniture

for the price
of an Angry Birds update?

Yeah, it worries me
that it'll never happen again.

Sheets and steak?
Never dared to dream it.

These sheets
smell amazing too,

thanks to that
one little fabric softener ball,

also under a dollar.

I dated a guy
with one ball once.

He was all self-conscious,
but I told him,

"No big deal.
It's just as ugly as two."

I am going to get
such a good night's--

Oh, sheet!

"Thread count: Yes.

Washing instructions:
Do not wash."

Are you sure
you want to sit in that?

Woman, don't talk to me
while I'm eatin' my steak!

"Instructions:
Do not sit."

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

Ow.
Yay, Root Beer Barrel!

Ow!

What?
A candy trail.

God, are you just
getting to me now?

You do work
in mysterious ways.

I'm not God,
but I believe

I did answer your roommate's
prayers last night.

Andy!

So how'd this happen?

Empty-vajay date?

No, last night,
I thought,

"Well, these sheets
are already ruined,

so I might as well
really ruin them with sex,"

so I called Andy.

And I was obviously flattered,
so I came over.

Well, I hope you guys spent
more than $1 for condoms.

- Hey, there are two things
I never skimp on:

Condoms and candy.
And Max, did you see

what I left over there
on the kitchen counter for you?

Condoms? Candy?
Condoms full of candy?

Well, now, you're
going to be disappointed,

because
it's just candy.

Ooh,
all my favorites!

I wonder if I can get diabetes
before breakfast.

Thanks, Andy.

Ha ha! That candy
was just a decoy,

so you didn't see my push pop
when I got out of bed.

So... Are you and Andy
back together?

No. It was just
a one-time thing.

Look at you.

You're like the Greek goddess
of booty calls.

Aphro-whitey.

Kind of proud of myself.
My very first booty call.

Well, actually,
it was a booty tweet.

Booty's up
with the times.

Technically,
booty call's been around

since the old-timey times.
Alexander Graham Bell's

very first phone call
was "Hey, you up?"

Hey, so, um, I gotta go.
Is that cool?

Oh, super cool, sure.

What do we do, kiss?
High-five?

Max, what do you do
in this situation?

I usually wave at him
with my arm clenched,

'cause I'm hiding his wallet
in it.

Well,
nice seeing you.

I don't usually
do the salute,

but okay,
that can be your thing.

Earl,
here's my last check.

Can you tip me out?
I have a possible booty call.

Well, Caroline,
you've reached

a new place of familiarity
with me.

Unfortunately, I've not reached
that same place with you.

Can you cover my tables?

I've been doing that
since you started working here,

so yes.

Good, 'cause I'm gonna
text Andy

for another booty call,
and maybe this time

we can go out
and have a booty breakfast.

As the President of the casual
sex society, local chapter,

I call bull on your booty.

What?
It's a booty call.

Not with you it isn't.

You think
that booty breakfast

will maybe lead
to a booty dinner

then maybe booty engaged
and booty married

and have a couple booty kids
and a booty retirement home

and then
booty die together.

That's not true.
He'll die before me,

then I'll take
a dance class.

What are you doing?
Do you have to pee?

No, I feel something...
[Whispering] down there.

Yeah, you woke it up.
Now it's hungry.

But you don't take it back
to the same restaurant.

What is that and why is it
wearing a bow tie?

Maybe because an actual tie
would drag on the ground.

Speaking
of "dragging on the ground,"

maybe you could drag an antelope
back to your cave

and have sex with it.

See, I have
a sense of humor too.

That's one of the attributes
on my online dating profile.

Han, are you all dressed up
because you're expecting a date?

Oh, I'm expecting
a lot more than a date.

Our profiles
matched us perfectly.

This might be the one.

Which one? The first one?
The only one?

The one that accidentally
steps on you?

She was supposed to be here
a half hour ago.

Well, you know,
subways run late,

especially if you don't get on them
because you don't really exist

and are a money-scamming man
in Nairobi.

Hi, I'm looking for Han Lee,
the owner.

There she is.
Pretty, blonde, and clearly not a man.

Who's laughing now?

You shouldn't
jump to conclusions.

I once had a date
with a blonde woman.

Turns out, the curtains
matched the penis on that one.

Hello. Are you Ashley?
I'm Han Lee.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

I left something in my car
I'll be right back.

Is she coming back?

Han, Jesus is coming back
before she is.

Han,
you're too good for her.

I don't understand.

We were 97% compatible
on the website.

Let me see your profile.

- Who's that?
- That's me.

No, that's the hot Asian star
from Hawaii Five-0.

What?
We kinda look alike.

The only thing
you have in common

with this guy from Hawaii Five-0
is that you are 5'0".

And Han, "Athletic"?

In school, I ran track.

Running under the hurdles
doesn't count as track.

Han,
this is totally lame.

Let me help you
find the right girl.

You give me so much joy
at your expense,

I feel like
I need to give back.

Thank you, Max, I'm insulted
and honored at the same time.

Seeing Han and Ashley together
for that one second

made me realize I want to be
back in a relationship.

I'm going to text Andy.

I knew it. I called that.
I booty called that.

Your casual sex card
is being revoked.

Unfortunately, Andy is still
an active member, very active.

What are you talking about?

I'm saying
he has an active member.

He told me
he's seeing someone.

He's seeing someone?

Actually,
he's seeing a few someones.

How many someones?

Oh, it's back.

Do you think this itch
has anything to do

with those many someones?

Do you think
he gave me something?

Well, if he did,
you just gave it to the counter.

What did poor people do
before WebMD?

They died.

Ooh! What is that?

It's all red and chunky.
I hope that's not what you have.

Max, that's salsa.

- But look.
- Oh! What the hell is that?

What the hell does Jen
from New Rochelle have?

It's a rash.
Jen says

"It was bad for awhile,
then disappeared."

So Jen came down
with a case of "My father"?

A rash.
That doesn't sound so bad.

I could live with a rash.

Except Dr. Web thinks
it might be herpes.

Trust me, I don't have it.
Jen's obviously a whore.

Well,
does it look like this?

I don't know, I can't quite
bend over far enough to see it.

Fine.
I'll look at it.

What? No!

What?
Jen showed me hers.

I'm sure
mine is just a rash.

Cathy from Colorado says,
"I thought it was just a rash,

but guess what?
Rashes are always herpes."

I can't have herpes.

Sex is the only fun thing
poor people can afford.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.

Just let me see it.

Max, I could not continue
to live here if you ever saw it.

Well, then definitely
let me see it.

It's okay, I have one too,
except mine has a "Welcome" mat.

I know, I'll just
take a picture of it.

And that's how Kim Kardashian
became famous.

It's bad enough I'm taking
a picture of my vagina,

I'm doing it
with an iPhone 3.

Too dark.
Needs a flash.

All right,
but watch out for red-eye.

Ohh... There she is.

Yeah, that's definitely
something.

- Let me see it.
- Wait, it needs a filter.

Lo-Fi, no.
Valencia, no.

Oh, maybe just a border.

Just give it to me.

Oh ho,
that's not good.

I just want to go
on the record.

It doesn't always
look like that.

It's actually quite pretty.

Well, now it has
a good personality.

Oh, that's probably
the Center for Disease Control

coming to get me
with their van.

I'll get it.
The walking helps.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.

Hi, girls! I got Chinese food.
You want to hang out?

Sophie,
this isn't a good time.

Uhohh, someone's got
the herp walk.

Sophie, we don't know what
it is. It could just be a rash.

Yeah, it could,
but it probably isn't.

- Yeah, let me see.
- Stop it.

What? It's okay,
I was a nurse back in Poland.

You've heard
of "Doctors Without Borders"?

Well, we were
"nurses without credentials."

Yeah. Our motto was:
"What? We want to help."

Quit! Stop it!

Max,
don't show Sophie--

Oh, my God!

Oh, I mean, come on,
slap a filter on this thing.

Okay. I'm done. I'm done
with nurses without credentials

or doctors without faces.

Tomorrow,
I'm going to a free clinic.

Well, is real bad.
You better run, don't herp walk.

Whoa, this thing says one
out of six people have herpes!

Uh-ohh.

Max, anyone in here
could be the "one in six."

Are you sure you don't want
to get tested while we're here?

Nah, I'm bad at tests.

Besides,
if you can't afford a doctor,

it's better to just spend
whatever money you got on weed

to help you forget
whatever you got.

Caroline Channing.

That's so embarrassing.

Could she say my name
any louder?

Caroline Channing!

- I guess she could.
- Miss Channing,

now, you wrote here
the reason for your visit

is an "Uncomfortable sensation
in your nether regions."

Could you be
more specific?

Is there
a more private area

we could discuss
my private area?

Oh, I'm sorry!

Let me bring out
my hot air balloon

and we'll take
a tour of the city...

While we discuss your
uncomfortable lady sensation.

Shirley,
the only lady sensation

I'm seeing in this office
is you.

Oh, well,
I appreciate that, girl.

I try to lighten the load
with a little humor.

Well, I don't need the jokes.
Thank you.

Oh, they not for you.
They for us.

I need to be tested for...
herpes.

Girl, you sound like you're
doing a perfume ad for herpes.

Just give her the phone.

Mm.

Well,
this is either herpes

or something
I ain't never seen before.

Now, the HSV-2
is not a standard pap.

It is a specific blood test,
and it is $250.

Well, the only way I know
how to get money for that test

in the next hour
will probably give me an STD.

Can we maybe work out
a cheaper price?

We're waitresses nearby
at the Williamsburg diner.

I can give you free food
for as long as I work there.

And now that I may have this,
I mean, where else am I going?

Blood test or denial?

Blood test.

I'll just ask Andy
for a loan.

But it's actually
more of a buy,

since he already
ruined the property.

Classic
"You break it, you buy it."

Hey, Max.

Good to see you.

I hooked up with that guy
once.

Um, do you know
what he was here for

and how long he's had it?

You know what, give me one
of those sexual history forms.

This sexual history list
is hard.

Can't it just be
a top ten?

Well,
Andy's not here yet.

He's probably busy
getting busy

with his ragtag team
of gutter skanks.

"Gutter skanks"?
Didn't I see them open

for Cannibal Corpse?

Look,
you need to relax.

Why don't we just get a drink,
or nine?

Two double Jack and Gingers.
Oh, yeah, Jack.

Number 38.

Oh, and that Ginger.
Number 39.

Max, look,
Jen from New Rochelle

put up a new update
on WebMD.

She says her life has gotten
so much better

after joining a site
called "His-and-Herpes."

Hi, Andy.
Have a seat.

Remember, you don't know
that he gave it to you,

and you don't know
that you have it, so be cool.

Don't worry, Max,
I got this.

And Andy, I got that!

Oh!
I thought it was annoying

when people took pictures
of their food.

When were you gonna
tell me, Andy?

When my vagina
burst into flames

and became
an actual burning bush?

Wait, that's yours?

Worst selfie ever,
right?

Wow,
I didn't recognize it.

Was it out in the sun?

You owe me $250
for the blood test, Andy.

And $9 for that drink.

Look,
everybody just calm down.

Andy, you may or may not
have given her herpes.

She may or may not be
overreacting.

I may or may not have
slept with that bartender.

He is my type, and yet,
he has a job, so he's not,

and he goes
in the "Maybes."

Look, Caroline,
I'm really sorry,

but I am totally clean.

Since we broke up,
I have only had safe sex

with a special ed teacher
and a dental hygienist.

I mean, that job has "hygiene"
right in the title.

Wait, oh,
there were a couple of times

where I did have unsafe sex
with myself.

But only when I couldn't sleep.
And a lot of other times.

I will go get tested tomorrow,
but please, in the meantime,

try not to go
to the worst-case scenario.

I'm not going
to the worst-case scenario,

but if we both have it,
no one else is going to want us,

so we should just
get married.

"You gave me herpes,
now you have to marry me."

You want to save that gold
for our wedding vows?

Well, if you don't use it,
I will.

I can't wait till tomorrow
for my test results.

I'm going to call
the clinic.

You've left, like,
ten messages.

You're acting like the clinic's
crazy ex-girlfriend.

Well, I'm leaving
another message.

Hand me my phone.

What? I have to stay healthy
in case you have it.

Someone's got to pick up
your welfare checks.

Well, this is my life now.
Working at a diner with herpes.

The very best
I can ever hope to be

is a mentor
for a younger girl with herpes.

Hi.
Maybe you can help me.

Well, with that smile and
my bad heart, I'll die trying.

I'm looking
for the overly-emotional girl

that works here
as a waitress.

Oh, my God!
What are you doing here?

Am I dying?
Are you the angel of death?

I think I found her.

Can we have a seat
for a minute?

Max, Max,
she wants to sit down.

Come here
and hold my hand.

Oh, I'll hold your hand
after I find out what you have.

No need to be
all dramatic.

I just came to tell you
that your blood test came back,

but I am not allowed to give you
the results without a doctor.

You're not?

No, I am not.

That's a neg-a-tive,
a neg-a-tive.

Wait. Are you saying
it's negative?

I could not tell you that.

I also could not tell you
that it was probably

an allergic reaction to soap
or laundry detergent.

Oh, my God! Max, it was
that fabric softener ball

from the "Under A Dollar" store.
Oh!

I'm not a cheap whore.
I'm just poor.

Shirley, it was really cool
of you to come all the way in,

because we were really
very upset,

so upset that a caring
medical professional like you

would probably
help us out

with something
for our anxiety or parties.

Nice try.

But I'm not here just
out of the goodness of my heart.

I'm here for my free fries.
I'm starving.

I haven't been able to eat
since you showed me

that phone picture
of your bits and pieces.

- Fries coming right up.
- And thank you so much.

Oh, it's nice
to give out good news.

What about you? When can I
give you some good news?

I'll be in tomorrow,
I'm just waiting

for a call back
from John Mayer.

Hi,
I'm looking for Han Lee.

Oh, that's the girl
I set up Han with.

No visible Adam's apple.
Go for it.

Oh, Max, she's very pretty.
Are you sure she'll go for me?

I think she might.
Let's go say hi.

Hi, you must be Jen.
Jen, this is Han.

Han, this is Jen
from New Rochelle.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Jen from New Rochelle?
Max, no!

What?
It could just be

a reaction
to her laundry detergent.

I'm clean!
Totally clean!

Shirley was as surprised
as I am.

Oh, Max,
I'm so happy for you.

Yep, I dodged a bullet,
but from now on,

I'm going to be
a little more discerning.

I'm not 13 anymore.

So I just texted Andy and
told him it was a false alarm.

- I didn't have it.
- What did he say?

He said,
"Hey, you up?"

But I'm definitely not
gonna go.

Am I?

All right,
here's the thing.

This is about something bigger
than Andy.

Actually,
Andy's quite--

Oh, I know.

Came out to get
a drink of water.

Saw it, loved it.

Look, I'm going to
keep this simple.

You are using Andy
to fill a hole.

Yes, Max,
that's how sex works.

Ever since
the business closed,

you've got
all this free time,

and you don't know
what to do with yourself.

I hear you. You're right,
ever since the business closed,

I do have a huge hole.

I know. Came out
to get a drink of water.

Saw it, loved it.

Max, I know we said
we were gonna

do the cupcake business again,
but now we have to make it real.

I mean,
I'm a businesswoman.

I need to have a business,
or apparently, I'm gonna

put someone else's business
into my business.

So Max, tomorrow,
we start again,

and this time,
we have to give it our all.

Clear vaginas, full hearts,
can't lose.

Hey, girls.

I came down
with a solution

to your herpes problem,
Caroline.

Just don't tell anyone!

Sophie,
I don't have it.

That's it!
That's the way to do it!

Problem solved.
All right, bye-bye.