2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 22 - And the Extra Work - full transcript
Max and Caroline are invited to be extras on a popular TV show shooting a scene in Han's diner, but when Caroline catches the director's eye, he offers her an actual role - with strings attached.
- GET THE BIRTHDAY CANDLE READY,
'CAUSE...
HERE COMES CHESTNUT'S
CARROT CAKE!
- I KNOW WE WANT THIS
TO BE SPECIAL,
BUT CHESTNUT IS A HORSE.
ANY DAY HE'S NOT BEING MADE
INTO AN IKEA MEATBALL
IS A BIRTHDAY.
- AND REMEMBER, EVEN THOUGH
IT'S HIS TENTH BIRTHDAY,
WE HAVE TO PRETEND HE'S SIX OR
HE'LL BE IN A BAD MOOD ALL WEEK.
SURPRISE!
both: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHESTNUT!
- MAX! HE WAS SUPPOSED
TO DO THAT!
- WHAT?
I KNOW WHAT HE WISHED FOR.
THAT ONE DAY,
HE AND I LIVE IN A WORLD
WHERE OUR LOVE IS RECOGNIZED
AND WE HAVE THE SAME RIGHTS
AS GAY COUPLES.
- THERE YOU GO, BABY.
- HEY, LOOK,
HIS SHOE JUST FELL OFF.
OR MAYBE HE KICKED IT OFF 'CAUSE
HE'S GETTING READY TO PAR-TAY.
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.
I WANTED A MASSAGE LAST WEEK,
SO I JUST SAT NEXT
TO SOMEONE ON THE BUS
WHO LOOKED LIKE HE'D TOUCH ME.
- I MAY HAVE AN IDEA
HOW WE CAN GET 'EM.
A GUY I PICKED UP AT OKTOBERFEST
IS A BLACKSMITH.
AT LEAST I THINK HE WAS.
I REMEMBER A LEATHER APRON
AND SOMETHING BEING HEATED
IN A FIRE.
- ¶ OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH
[cash register bell dings]
¶ OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH
OOH OOH ¶
- WELL, I FOUND MY BLACKSMITH.
HE NOW SHARES
AN ARTISAN BARN
WITH A LADY WHO MAKES CLOTHING
OUT OF BEES.
- I GUESS THAT'S WHY
OUR CUPCAKE SHOP DIDN'T WORK.
WE WEREN'T PROVIDING A SERVICE
THAT EVERYONE NEEDS.
- I LOOKED AT OUR BOY,
AND NOT ONLY DOES CHESTNUT
NEED FOUR NEW SHOES,
HE HAS A HOOF FUNGUS.
- A HOOF FUNGUS?
THAT'S SO GHETTO.
- I'M PRETTY SURE
HE GOT IT FROM ME
BECAUSE WE SHOWER TOGETHER.
AND THE COST OF NEW SHOES
AND VET FEE? $1,400.
- [sighs]
MAX, I FEEL AWFUL.
I'M A BAD MOTHER.
- YOU'RE NOT A BAD MOTHER.
I KNOW BAD MOTHERS.
I CAME OUT OF ONE.
- LADIES, WHAT'S HAPPENING
OVER THERE?
YOU KNOW A GATHERING OF MORE
THAN TWO WHITE PEOPLE
MAKES ME NERVOUS.
- EARL, ONE OF THEM'S ASIAN.
- AH, SAME THING.
- WHO WOULD I TALK TO
ABOUT THE DINER?
WE'RE INTERESTED
IN RENTING THIS LOCATION
TO FILM A TV SHOW.
WE THINK YOUR DINER WOULD BE
A GREAT PLACE TO KILL SOMEONE.
- I GET IT.
'CAUSE EVERY TIME I COME
IN HERE, I DIE A LITTLE.
- HERE'S MY CARD.
TOM WOO, LAW & ORDER:
SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.
- SHUT YOUR FACE, TOM WOO!
I LOVE ALL THE LAW & ORDERS,
ESPECIALLY SVU.
THEIR STORIES ARE RIPPED
FROM THE HEADLINES,
AND I DON'T READ
THE NEWSPAPER,
SO THAT'S WHERE I GET
ALL MY NEWS.
- COOL.
LET ME GO GET THE DIRECTOR.
THAT'S HIM OVER THERE.
- LOOK HOW CUTE THE DIRECTOR IS.
HE'S MY RUGGED GUY TYPE.
NOT REALLY RUGGED AT ALL,
BUT BUYS EXPENSIVE,
RUGGED-LOOKING CLOTHING
FROM SAKS 5TH AVENUE.
- HI.
DJ KINGSLEY.
- NICE BEARD.
YOU GROW OUT THAT STUBBLE
OR JUST SET YOUR RAZOR
TO "JASON STATHAM."
- EXCUSE ME, SIR.
YOU'VE GOT A GREAT FACE.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE
ANY EXTRA WORK?
- WELL, I WAS
IN THE 1973 CLASSIC
SCREAM, BLACKULA, SCREAM.
PAM GRIER KICKED ME
IN THE NUTS
AND CALLED ME A "JIVE TURKEY."
- IF YOU'D CONSIDER IT,
I'D LOVE TO HAVE YOUR LOOK
IN THE EPISODE.
- HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?
YOU CAN SHAVE MY HEAD,
DRAG ME BEHIND A CAR,
OR ANYTHING ELSE
I'VE ALREADY DONE FOR FREE.
- SURE. AND YOU MUST BE
AN ACTRESS.
YOU'RE WAY TOO PRETTY
TO JUST BE A WAITRESS.
- THANK YOU!
IN FACT I HAVE DONE
A LITTLE ACTING.
IN HIGH SCHOOL, I PORTRAYED
FANTINE IN LES MISERABLES.
- JUST HEARING YOU SAY THAT
MAKES ME "MISER-OBBLE."
- WELL, HOW ABOUT IT?
YOU WANNA HANG WITH ME AND BE AN
EXTRA ON SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT?
- IT PAYS 112 A DAY
PLUS WHATEVER
YOU NORMALLY MAKE IN TIPS.
- OH, SO ABOUT 115?
I'M IN.
MAMA NEEDS A NEW PAIR
OF HORSESHOES.
- SO WHERE'S THE BOSS?
- I'M THE BOSS, BUT I'LL GET
THE GUY WHO OWNS THE PLACE.
OLEG!
THEY'RE SHOOTING
A TV SHOW HERE,
AND THE BACK OF MY HEAD
OR THE SIDE OF MY BOOB
IS GONNA BE IN IT!
- GOOD FOR YOU, MAX.
I WAS ON UKRAINE'S VERSION
OF BIG BROTHER ONCE,
BETTER KNOWN AS
JUST LIVING IN UKRAINE.
- HAN! LAW AND ORDER:
SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT
WANTS TO SHOOT IN THE DINER,
AND IF YOU DON'T SAY YES,
YOU'LL BE MY SPECIAL VICTIM
WHEN I CUT YOUR UNIT OFF.
- PLEASE SAY YES, HAN.
THEY'RE GONNA PAY US
TO BE IN THE BACKGROUND.
- BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW TO ACT?
- ACTUALLY WE DO.
MY ACTING'S METHOD,
WHEREAS HERS IS MORE METH HEAD.
[knocking on door]
- HEY, COME IN.
AND REMEMBER, IF HE SAYS NO,
HE DOESN'T MEAN IT.
HE JUST WANTS YOU
TO FLIRT WITH HIM A LITTLE BIT.
- NOT SO FAST, MAX.
HELLO, I'M HAN LEE,
THE OWNER AND PROPRIETOR.
- OH, "PROPRIETOR."
THAT'S WORD'S BIGGER
THAN YOU ARE.
- WHAT KINDA COMPENSATION
DO YOU WANT?
- WHOA, WHOA,
MY ASIAN BROTHER.
SLOW DOWN!
LET'S ENJOY THE DANCE.
- WE'D LIKE TO SHOOT HERE.
IT'S GOT THE RIGHT AMOUNT
OF FUNK AND SKANK.
- [gasps]
IF WE DO REAL GOOD IN THIS
AND GET A SPIN-OFF, THAT'LL BE
THE NAME OF OUR SHOW--
FUNK AND SKANK.
- OKAY,
BUT I DON'T WANNA BE SKANK.
- OH, CLEARLY I'M SKANK.
- AND MAY I SAY I'M HONORED
I HAVE SUCH A WORTHY OPPONENT
TO BARTER WITH.
[speaking native language]
- DUDE, I'M FROM PASADENA.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE
IN A TV SHOW
WHERE NO ONE WAS YELLING,
"YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!"
- LET'S GO.
BRING IN THE WAITRESS EXTRAS.
- OOH, I LOVE THESE UNIFORMS!
I FEEL LIKE BRENDA
FROM 90210
WHEN SHE WAS DRESSED AS THAT
'50s WAITRESS AT THE PEACH PIT.
- WELL, WHEN WE'RE THE BIG STARS
OF FUNK AND SKANK,
WE WON'T HAVE TO WEAR
ANY UNIFORMS.
- BUT WAIT,
AREN'T FUNK AND SKANK COPS?
- UH, NO, THEY'RE HOOKERS.
- HOW ABOUT A COMPROMISE?
COPS BY DAY,
PROSTITUTES BY NIGHT?
YOU KNOW, COPSTITUTES.
- EITHER WAY,
WE'RE NEW YORK'S FINEST.
- OKAY, EVERYBODY, READY!
HERE WE GO.
- [gasps] LOOK AT EARL
OVER THERE.
- GOOD LUCK, EARL!
- CAMERA ON THE DOOR.
SCENE EIGHT, TAKE ONE.
AND ACTION!
SHOOTER COMES IN.
AND CUT! GOOD!
RESET.
[both gasp]
- EARL, THAT WAS INSPIRING.
I HOPE EVERYONE WHO SEES YOU
GOES OUT AND IGNORES A CRIME.
- IT WAS LIKE THAT SCENE
WAS ABOUT THE CASH REGISTER GUY.
YOU REALLY BROUGHT
SOMETHING EXTRA.
I SMELL AN EMMY.
- OH, THAT'S WEED.
- HI. SORRY WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN
TO YOU GUYS YET.
WHY DON'T YOU HANG OUT
IN THE OFFICE?
I HEAR THERE'S GOOD SUSHI.
YOU LOOK PRETTY.
- I THINK THE DIRECTOR
KINDA LIKES ME.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT HIM,
BUT HIS PENIS DOES.
- OKAY, CAMERA ON THE DOOR.
- SCENE EIGHT, TAKE TWO.
- AND ACTION!
SHOOTER COMES IN.
- BANG! BANG!
- CUT!
EXCUSE ME,
HOW DID YOU GET THROUGH?
- OH, PLEASE.
I ONCE GOT THROUGH
THE BERLIN WALL.
YOU THINK TWO KIDS
WITH WALKIE-TALKIES CAN STOP ME?
- DAMN, THIS ROOM'S GOT
A SWEET SPREAD.
FREE SUSHI? UH-YES.
FREE DESSERT? UH-DUH.
- THIS IS GREAT.
WE'VE GOTTA FIGURE OUT A WAY
TO GET PAID
TO SIT AROUND, EAT FREE FOOD,
AND DO NOTHING MORE OFTEN.
- OH, I THINK YOU CRACKED
THAT CODE A LONG TIME AGO.
- WOULD IT BE TACKY
IF I PACKED SOME SUSHI
IN MY PURSE FOR LATER?
- ALREADY PACKED MINE,
ALREADY PACKED YOURS.
- THIS IS THE VIP LOUNGE.
SEE? THE SHRIMP
HAVE ALREADY BEEN DE-TURDED.
- OH, HI, GIRLS.
YOU FINALLY GOT NEW UNIFORMS.
YOU LOOK STUPID.
- THESE ARE ACTUALLY
FROM THE COSTUME DEPARTMENT
OF A LITTLE SHOW CALLED
LAW & ORDER: SVU
THAT MAX AND I
ARE COSTARRING IN.
- COSTARS? HONEY, PLEASE.
YOU TWO ARE JUST EXTRAS.
- UM, EXTRA PAID
AND FULL OF PURSE SUSHI.
- THEY'RE READY FOR YOU TWO.
- OH! BE RIGHT THERE.
JUST GONNA PUT MY PURSE
IN THE FRIDGE.
- THOMAS. TOM. T-PAIN.
CAN WE CHAT?
- WHAT IS IT, DUDE?
- YOUR CREW GOT SOY SAUCE
ALL OVER MY COMPUTER.
AND ACCORDING TO OUR AGREEMENT,
YOU MUST PAY ALL THE DAMAGES.
- HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT?
- $300.
- IT'S A PIECE OF CRAP.
- BUT IT WAS A GIFT
FROM MY FATHER.
AND YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT
FAMILY IS IN OUR CULTURE.
- AGAIN, I DON'T.
I WAS RAISED BY TWO WHITE WOMEN.
- OH, HEY, HEY.
YES, UH, WHO DO I TALK TO
ABOUT BECOMING A STAR?
- THIS IS SO EXCITING!
- GOD! THAT WOMAN KEEPS
PUSHING MY HEAD DOWN.
I FEEL LIKE I'M ON A DATE
WITH HER.
- OKAY, SO YOU GUYS ARE HERE
BEHIND THE COUNTER,
DOING YOUR WAITRESS THING.
SHOOTER AIMS FOR THE COOK
BUT HITS HER,
OUR FEATURED WAITRESS.
- HEY, DIDN'T I ALREADY SEE YOU
ON SVU?
OH, YEAH, I REMEMBER.
THEY FOUND YOUR HEAD
IN A MINI FRIDGE IN THE HUDSON.
I KNEW I RECOGNIZED YOU.
- WAIT, WE'VE ALREADY
KILLED YOU?
SORRY, BABE, YOU'RE OUT.
- AW.
WELL, YOU GAVE GREAT HEAD.
- TOM, WE GOTTA BUMP SOMEONE UP
TO THE FEATURED WAITRESS.
PAYS 1,000 MORE BUCKS.
- MAX, THAT COULD BE
THE EXTRA MONEY
WE NEED FOR CHESTNUT.
COULD ONE OF US DO IT?
- CAN EITHER OF YOU ACT LIKE
YOU'VE BEEN HIT WITH A BULLET?
- WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENS
I HAVE BEEN HIT
BY A BULLET TWICE--
ONCE AT A 7-ELEVEN
AND ONCE RUNNING AWAY
IN THE PARKING LOT
OF A 7-ELEVEN.
SO YEAH, I THINK I GOT THIS.
- I'M THINKING MAYBE A BLONDE
WOULD BE BETTER.
CAROLINE?
- WELL, I DID HAVE A PRETTY
CONVINCING DEATH SCENE
AS FANTINE,
AND I DIED LIKE--
WELL, SHOULD I JUST SHOW YOU?
- YOU ARE SUCH A NERD.
- THAT'S GREAT, CAROLINE.
SPECIAL EFFECTS,
PUT THE BLOOD DEVICE
ON CAROLINE.
SHE'S OUR SPECIAL VICTIM.
- REALLY? I GOT IT?
- YES, BUT A LITTLE LESS
"FRENCH REVOLUTION,"
AND A LOT MORE
"FACE DOWN ON THE FLOOR."
- YOU CAN'T TAKE A SHOT.
YOU CAN'T EVEN DO A SHOT.
- DON'T BE MAD, MAX.
I'M DOING THIS FOR CHESTNUT.
AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT
HE LIKED MY DEATH SCENE.
- HE LIKED YOUR DEATH SCENE
WITH HIS PENIS.
- WOW, MAX, SHOW BUSINESS REALLY
BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN YOU.
- YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME
AT A WEDDING.
- HELLO!
YOU JUST PUT YOUR HAND
DOWN A WOMAN'S BLOUSE
WITHOUT ASKING?
- EVERY DAY.
- WELL, HERE.
CAN I HELP YOU?
- NO, IT'S A UNION THING.
- AREN'T YOU IN THERE
A LITTLE LONG?
- YEAH. LET ME JUST--
- CAROLINE, THAT SPECIAL
EFFECTS RIG YOU'RE WEARING
IS VERY SENSITIVE,
SO DON'T LET ANYTHING
NEAR YOUR CHEST.
- EXCEPT ME.
- AND DON'T BE NERVOUS.
THE CAMERA'S GONNA LOVE YOU.
HOW COULD IT NOT?
- DJ, STOP FLIRTING WITH ME.
I'M GONNA DIE SOON
AND YOU'LL NEVER GET OVER ME.
- PROMISE YOU'LL DIE SOON?
- MAX, I'M ABOUT TO BE SHOT,
AND I CAN'T DIE
WITH BAD BLOOD BETWEEN US.
- WE'RE GOOD.
YOU'RE LIVING MY DREAM, GIRL.
DO ME PROUD.
- I WILL.
- NO! DON'T HUG WITH IT!
- CAROLINE,
YOU SET THE THING OFF.
WE WEREN'T ROLLING.
- REALLY? THAT'S TOO BAD,
BECAUSE THAT WAS GOLD.
- THAT'S A WRAP, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL PICK IT UP TOMORROW.
- I'M SO SORRY.
IT JUST WENT OFF.
- PRETTIEST SCREW-UP ALL DAY.
AFTER YOU GET CLEANED UP,
WHY DON'T WE HAVE DINNER
AT MY HOTEL?
- DINNER?
YEAH, I'D LIKE THAT.
- LET'S SAY 8:00.
MY ASSISTANT WILL GIVE YOU
THE ADDRESS AND MY ROOM NUMBER.
- YOU KNOW, THIS IS EXACTLY
HOW YOU LOOK IN ALL MY DREAMS
WHERE I SHOOT YOU.
- THE DIRECTOR JUST INVITED ME
TO DINNER AT HIS HOTEL,
BUT IT'S IN HIS ROOM.
DO YOU THINK HE--
- YES.
- IS THAT WHY HE--
- YES.
- WILL YOU COME WITH?
- YES.
- MAYBE YOU'RE WRONG.
MAYBE HE THOUGHT MY AUDITION
WAS REALLY--
- NO.
- CAROLINE, NEXT TIME,
MAYBE A LITTLE LESS.
- NOW, REMEMBER.
THIS DIRECTOR SLIPS YOU ANYTHING
THAT LOOKS LIKE A SWEET TART,
IT'S PROBABLY THAT DATE RAPE
DRUG THAT KNOCKS YOU OUT
AND DISTORTS YOUR MEMORY.
OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT IT DOES
TO THE GUYS I GIVE IT TO.
- IT'S NEVER GONNA GET TO THAT.
I HAVE MY OWN DATE RAPE DRUG.
I TALK ABOUT MYSELF
INCESSANTLY
TILL GUYS GET BORED
AND PASS OUT.
- SO IF THAT DOESN'T WORK,
WHAT ARE YOUR LIMITS?
A LITTLE OVER THE SWEATER,
UNDER SWEATER,
A LITTLE FRONT DOOR, BACK DOOR,
A LITTLE SECRET STAIRCASE?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS,
BUT NO ONE GOES UP MY STAIRCASE,
NOT EVEN FOR CHESTNUT.
AT THE MOST,
I'LL DO KISSING.
- YOU ARE THINKING
LIKE AN EXTRA.
YOU NEED TO THINK
LIKE A STAR
IF YOU'RE GONNA
BUY CHESTNUT SHOES,
THEN THERAPY, THEN A WAY
OUT OF SCIENTOLOGY.
- OH, HI.
YOU BROUGHT COMPANY.
- YES, SHE'S MY RIDE.
WE SHARE A SUBWAY CARD.
- WELL, SHE USES THE CARD.
I JUMP THE TURNSTILE
AND SHE PRETENDS TO CHASE ME,
YELLING "DON'T WORRY,
I'LL GET HER!"
- WELL, COME ON IN.
STAY FOR A GLASS
OF CHAMPAGNE, MAX.
OH, AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT
TAKING THE SUBWAY HOME ALONE.
MY DRIVER CAN TAKE YOU.
- NOW I'M TORN.
BECAUSE AS MUCH
AS I DON'T WANT YOU
TO HAVE SEX
AGAINST YOUR WILL,
I DO WANNA ROLL UP
TO THE MCDONALD'S IN A LIMO.
- THERE'S NO RUSH.
COME ON, LET'S SIT DOWN
AND HANG OUT.
- IT WAS REALLY NICE OF YOU
TO INVITE ME UP HERE
TO HAVE A CASUAL,
WORK-RELATED DINNER.
- MAX THERE, CAROLINE THERE,
AND ME, WELL, HERE.
CAN'T TURN IT OFF,
STILL DIRECTING.
- OH! YOU KNOW,
I LOVE THIS HOTEL.
I CAME HERE ONCE
TO DO A PHOTO SHOOT
FOR A "20 UNDER 20:
TEEN MILLIONAIRES
TO WATCH" SPREAD,
AND I REMEMBER I HAD
JUST GOTTEN MY HAIRCUT,
WHICH WAS A BIG DECISION,
'CAUSE I WAS KINDA KNOWN
FOR MY LONG HAIR.
AND HE WANTED
TO TAKE AN INCH OFF,
WHICH DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE A BIG DEAL,
BUT WHEN YOU'RE KNOWN
FOR YOUR LONG HAIR...
PEOPLE ARE EXPECTING
TO SEE YOU WITH LONG HAIR.
- SO WAS THAT OKAY?
- OH!
YEAH, SURE.
IT--IT'S JUST MAX IS HERE,
AND I DON'T WANT HER
TO FEEL LEFT OUT.
- SORRY.
GOT IT.
THAT WAS NICE.
- YOU'RE A GOOD KISSER.
[clears throat]
ARE YOU EATING
A CINNAMON ALTOID?
- I'M EATING
A CINNAMON ALTOID.
- WELL,
THEN I JUST TASTED YOU.
- LOOK, DJ, I THINK
YOU HAVE THE WRONG IDEA.
[phone ringing]
- OH!
HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
I WOULD NEVER INTERRUPT THIS
FOR A WORK CALL,
BUT IT'S MY WIFE AND I WANNA
SAY "GOOD NIGHT" TO THE KIDS.
- THAT GUY'S A PLAYER.
I'M NOT TALKING MY WAY
OUT OF THIS ONE.
WE'RE SCREWED.
- YEAH!
HE'S GOT A HIGH TOLERANCE.
YOUR LONG-HAIR SPEECH
ALMOST ROOFIED ME.
- WHAT DO WE DO, MAX?
I DON'T WANT TO OFFEND HIM.
WE NEED THAT EXTRA MONEY
FOR CHESTNUT.
THIS IS THE OLDEST TALE
IN THE BOOK--
A WOMAN FORCED TO TRADE HER BODY
TO GET HER CHILD SHOES.
IT'S SHAKESPEARIAN,
IT'S DICKENSIAN,
IT'S KARDASHIAN.
- LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE.
YOU ALREADY THOUGHT
HE WAS SEXY,
SO YOU WERE PROBABLY
GONNA SLEEP WITH HIM EVENTUALLY.
AND NOW THAT HE'S MARRIED,
YOU KNOW HE WON'T CHEAT ON YOU
WITH SOMEBODY ELSE
BECAUSE YOU'RE
THAT SOMEBODY ELSE.
YOU A SIDE BITCH!
- NO, MAX, I CAN
JUST TELL HIM HOW I FEEL.
BESIDES, HE PROBABLY
ALREADY GOT IT.
YOU HEARD ME TELL HIM
HE READ THE SIGNS WRONG.
- [sighs]
- APPARENTLY THE SIGN HE READ
SAID "THREE-WAY UP AHEAD."
- PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT?
HIT SHOW, WIFE, KIDS.
STILL FIND TIME
TO GET TO THE GYM.
SO YOU GUYS NEED TO DRINK
A LITTLE MORE BEFORE WE DO THIS?
'CAUSE I DON'T.
- ALL RIGHT,
I'M JUST GONNA SAY THIS
BEFORE THAT TOWEL
COMES OFF.
I THINK YOU'VE MISREAD
THE SIGNALS HERE.
- REALLY!
THAT SUCKS.
- I'M SORRY.
THESE THINGS HAPPEN.
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT TIME
I HAD TEA
WITH THAT PRINCE IN DUBAI
AND HE THOUGHT HE BOUGHT ME.
- TURNS OUT HE BOUGHT
A DIFFERENT BLONDE.
[laughs]
OH, MEN!
- GOOD MORNING, DJ.
- MORNING!
- SEE, MAX?
NO HARD FEELINGS.
I TOLD YOU
IT WAS GONNA WORK OUT.
HI! I'M READY
FOR MY FAKE BLOOD POUCH.
- UM, I THINK YOU GOT
THE WRONG BREASTS.
BUT FOR A ROUGH GUY,
YOU GOT A SOFT TOUCH.
- YUP.
- THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE.
UH, MAX IS NOW GETTING FEATURED,
AND YOU'RE IN THE B.G.--
BACKGROUND.
- THESE ARE REAL?
- YEP.
- NICE JOB.
- YOU HEAR THAT, MAX?
NOW I'M IN THE B.G.
I DIDN'T DO DJ,
SO I'M IN THE B.G.
- MAX!
WE HAVE TIME FOR
ONE FULL TAKE BEFORE LUNCH,
THEN WE'LL COME BACK AND DO
THE REST OF YOUR COVERAGE AFTER.
HEY, MAYBE YOU AND I COULD
HAVE A LITTLE LUNCH TOGETHER
IN MY TRAILER.
- WELL,
I DO LOVE A TRAILER.
- OKAY, LET'S STAY
ON SCHEDULE, PEOPLE.
MY KID'S READING A POEM
AT SCHOOL.
BY THE WAY,
YOUR RACK LOOKS FANTASTIC.
- YOU SEEM LIKE
A GREAT DAD.
- DJ, IS THIS
ABOUT LAST NIGHT,
'CAUSE I WOULDN'T
WEAR A TOWEL?
- NO.
NO, WE'RE GOOD.
I DON'T WANNA SEE THAT.
BURY HER DEEP.
- "BURY HER DEEP"?
DID HE JUST SAY,
"BURY HER DEEP"?
- CAROLINE, YOU NEED
TO WORK BACK THERE.
- IS THIS HOW HOLLYWOOD
TREATS WOMEN?
- THIS IS HOW HOLLYWOOD
TREATS EVERYONE.
- EVERYBODY READY.
- MAX, IF YOU DO THIS,
YOU'LL BE GETTING PAID FOR SEX.
- WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME.
- PLACES, EVERYONE.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
CHESTNUT IS MY HORSE.
- AND ACTION!
MAX, YOU'RE WIPING THE COUNTER.
THE KILLER COMES IN.
YOU LOOK UP.
- [under breath]
DON'T DO IT.
WE CAN FIND MONEY
SOMEWHERE ELSE.
- CUT!
TOM, I DON'T WANNA SEE HER.
- CAROLINE.
- HERE THEY COME.
- COME ON, EVERYBODY.
BACK TO ONE.
- AND ACTION!
MAX, YOU'RE WIPING THE COUNTER.
THE KILLER COMES IN.
YOU LOOK UP.
- PICK UP!
[bell dings]
MAX, SERIOUSLY,
IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
- CUT!
GET HER OUT OF THERE.
RESET, RESET.
- SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT, PEOPLE.
NOW, LET'S GIVE ME
THE BULLET
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR
MY WHOLE LIFE.
- I HAVEN'T FELT
THIS UNWANTED
SINCE I TRIED TO TEACH
THOSE INNER-CITY SCHOOL KIDS
HOW TO KNIT.
- CAROLINE,
YOU HAVE TO STAY HERE,
AWAY FROM THE SHOT,
OR NEITHER OF YOU
IS GONNA BE PAID.
- HEY, TOM, YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS SCENE NEEDS?
A LITTLE MORE CASHIER.
- OY, THAT CREW IS DOING
A LOT OF DAMAGE TO THIS DINER.
- WELL, I'M DOING SOME DAMAGE
TO THIS FANCY FRENCH WATER.
- 150 FOR THE FLOOR,
20 FOR THE NAPKINS THEY USED,
AND...
AND 55 BUCKS FOR THAT
GORGEOUS PICTURE OF THE CITY.
- THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
HOW MUCH LONGER DO I HAVE
TO WAIT TO BE DISCOVERED?
- DO WHAT EVERY OTHER
AMERICAN WOULD DO--
SKIP THE HARD WORK
AND PUT OUT A SEX TAPE.
- NO, I'M GONNA GO OUT THERE.
WHERE'S MY LIPSTICK?
HERE, HOLD MY SHAKE WEIGHT.
AND MY FRESCA.
OH, HI.
WHO DO I TALK TO ABOUT
GETTING A PART IN THIS THING?
I MEAN, I ALREADY LET THE GUY
WHO PUTS OUT THE COOKIES
TOUCH MY BOOBS.
- WE DON'T HAVE A GUY
WHO PUTS OUT COOKIES.
- YO.
- OKAY, EVERYBODY READY!
CAMERA UP!
- OH, HE LOOKS IMPORTANT.
- OH, NO, NO! STOP, STOP!
- NO! LET GO!
- OOH!
- NOT THE BLOOD SWITCH!
[bang]
- AHHH!
SOMEONE SHOT MAX!
- CUT!
TOM, GET RID OF MAX TOO.
GET ME ANOTHER GIRL.
- TYPICAL!
SHOOT ON MY CHEST
AND YOU'RE DONE WITH ME.
- HI, YOU LOOKING
FOR A NEW GIRL?
- LAST TIME I LOOKED
LIKE THIS,
I WAS COMING OUT
OF AN ACID TRIP
AND MY FRIEND DANIEL
WAS MISSING.
- I GOTTA ADMIT,
GETTING SHOT FELT
KINDA GANGSTA WAITRESS.
I'M LIKE NOTORIOUS BLT.
- SO HERE'S THE DEAL.
WE'LL PAY YOU
FOR THE DAY YESTERDAY,
BUT NOT FOR TODAY
OR FOR THE FEATURED EXTRA.
- SAY WHAT?
- NOT SO FAST, MY BROTHER.
HERE IS THE LATEST TALLY
FOR MY DINER DAMAGE.
- WHAT'S THIS LAST
$1,000 CHARGE?
- THAT IS FOR THE DAMAGE
DONE TO MAX AND CAROLINE.
ACCORDING
TO CREW SCUTTLEBUTT,
THE DIRECTOR TRIED
SOME FUNNY BUSINESS LAST NIGHT.
- THIS IS NOT COOL, DUDE.
- IT IS MOST DECIDEDLY
NOT COOL, PAL.
SO MAYBE THERE IS SOMEONE
IN A UNION I CAN TALK TO
ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR
DAMAGE.
- NOT TO MENTION THE CHILD
LABOR LAWS YOU VIOLATED
BY WORKING WITH HAN.
- DON'T TALK TO ANYONE.
I'LL GET 'EM PAID.
THIS SUCKS.
I KNEW WE SHOULD'VE
SHOT AT A DENNY'S.
- HAN, THAT IS THE SWEETEST,
COOLEST THING
YOU JUST DID FOR US.
- IT IS, AND CAROLINE IS TOTALLY
GONNA PUT OUT FOR YOU TONIGHT.
THAT'S KIND OF HER THING NOW.
- WELL, I DON'T WANT ANYONE
TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU TWO.
YOU'RE MY GIRLS.
- AND TONIGHT, ON A VERY SPECIAL
EPISODE OF FUNK AND SKANK,
THE CUTE, TINY ASIAN GUY
TURNS OUT TO BE THE GIRLS' PIMP,
AND THE COPSTITUTES
ARE ABLE TO BUY NEW HORSESHOES.
'CAUSE...
HERE COMES CHESTNUT'S
CARROT CAKE!
- I KNOW WE WANT THIS
TO BE SPECIAL,
BUT CHESTNUT IS A HORSE.
ANY DAY HE'S NOT BEING MADE
INTO AN IKEA MEATBALL
IS A BIRTHDAY.
- AND REMEMBER, EVEN THOUGH
IT'S HIS TENTH BIRTHDAY,
WE HAVE TO PRETEND HE'S SIX OR
HE'LL BE IN A BAD MOOD ALL WEEK.
SURPRISE!
both: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHESTNUT!
- MAX! HE WAS SUPPOSED
TO DO THAT!
- WHAT?
I KNOW WHAT HE WISHED FOR.
THAT ONE DAY,
HE AND I LIVE IN A WORLD
WHERE OUR LOVE IS RECOGNIZED
AND WE HAVE THE SAME RIGHTS
AS GAY COUPLES.
- THERE YOU GO, BABY.
- HEY, LOOK,
HIS SHOE JUST FELL OFF.
OR MAYBE HE KICKED IT OFF 'CAUSE
HE'S GETTING READY TO PAR-TAY.
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.
I WANTED A MASSAGE LAST WEEK,
SO I JUST SAT NEXT
TO SOMEONE ON THE BUS
WHO LOOKED LIKE HE'D TOUCH ME.
- I MAY HAVE AN IDEA
HOW WE CAN GET 'EM.
A GUY I PICKED UP AT OKTOBERFEST
IS A BLACKSMITH.
AT LEAST I THINK HE WAS.
I REMEMBER A LEATHER APRON
AND SOMETHING BEING HEATED
IN A FIRE.
- ¶ OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH
[cash register bell dings]
¶ OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH
OOH OOH ¶
- WELL, I FOUND MY BLACKSMITH.
HE NOW SHARES
AN ARTISAN BARN
WITH A LADY WHO MAKES CLOTHING
OUT OF BEES.
- I GUESS THAT'S WHY
OUR CUPCAKE SHOP DIDN'T WORK.
WE WEREN'T PROVIDING A SERVICE
THAT EVERYONE NEEDS.
- I LOOKED AT OUR BOY,
AND NOT ONLY DOES CHESTNUT
NEED FOUR NEW SHOES,
HE HAS A HOOF FUNGUS.
- A HOOF FUNGUS?
THAT'S SO GHETTO.
- I'M PRETTY SURE
HE GOT IT FROM ME
BECAUSE WE SHOWER TOGETHER.
AND THE COST OF NEW SHOES
AND VET FEE? $1,400.
- [sighs]
MAX, I FEEL AWFUL.
I'M A BAD MOTHER.
- YOU'RE NOT A BAD MOTHER.
I KNOW BAD MOTHERS.
I CAME OUT OF ONE.
- LADIES, WHAT'S HAPPENING
OVER THERE?
YOU KNOW A GATHERING OF MORE
THAN TWO WHITE PEOPLE
MAKES ME NERVOUS.
- EARL, ONE OF THEM'S ASIAN.
- AH, SAME THING.
- WHO WOULD I TALK TO
ABOUT THE DINER?
WE'RE INTERESTED
IN RENTING THIS LOCATION
TO FILM A TV SHOW.
WE THINK YOUR DINER WOULD BE
A GREAT PLACE TO KILL SOMEONE.
- I GET IT.
'CAUSE EVERY TIME I COME
IN HERE, I DIE A LITTLE.
- HERE'S MY CARD.
TOM WOO, LAW & ORDER:
SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.
- SHUT YOUR FACE, TOM WOO!
I LOVE ALL THE LAW & ORDERS,
ESPECIALLY SVU.
THEIR STORIES ARE RIPPED
FROM THE HEADLINES,
AND I DON'T READ
THE NEWSPAPER,
SO THAT'S WHERE I GET
ALL MY NEWS.
- COOL.
LET ME GO GET THE DIRECTOR.
THAT'S HIM OVER THERE.
- LOOK HOW CUTE THE DIRECTOR IS.
HE'S MY RUGGED GUY TYPE.
NOT REALLY RUGGED AT ALL,
BUT BUYS EXPENSIVE,
RUGGED-LOOKING CLOTHING
FROM SAKS 5TH AVENUE.
- HI.
DJ KINGSLEY.
- NICE BEARD.
YOU GROW OUT THAT STUBBLE
OR JUST SET YOUR RAZOR
TO "JASON STATHAM."
- EXCUSE ME, SIR.
YOU'VE GOT A GREAT FACE.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE
ANY EXTRA WORK?
- WELL, I WAS
IN THE 1973 CLASSIC
SCREAM, BLACKULA, SCREAM.
PAM GRIER KICKED ME
IN THE NUTS
AND CALLED ME A "JIVE TURKEY."
- IF YOU'D CONSIDER IT,
I'D LOVE TO HAVE YOUR LOOK
IN THE EPISODE.
- HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?
YOU CAN SHAVE MY HEAD,
DRAG ME BEHIND A CAR,
OR ANYTHING ELSE
I'VE ALREADY DONE FOR FREE.
- SURE. AND YOU MUST BE
AN ACTRESS.
YOU'RE WAY TOO PRETTY
TO JUST BE A WAITRESS.
- THANK YOU!
IN FACT I HAVE DONE
A LITTLE ACTING.
IN HIGH SCHOOL, I PORTRAYED
FANTINE IN LES MISERABLES.
- JUST HEARING YOU SAY THAT
MAKES ME "MISER-OBBLE."
- WELL, HOW ABOUT IT?
YOU WANNA HANG WITH ME AND BE AN
EXTRA ON SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT?
- IT PAYS 112 A DAY
PLUS WHATEVER
YOU NORMALLY MAKE IN TIPS.
- OH, SO ABOUT 115?
I'M IN.
MAMA NEEDS A NEW PAIR
OF HORSESHOES.
- SO WHERE'S THE BOSS?
- I'M THE BOSS, BUT I'LL GET
THE GUY WHO OWNS THE PLACE.
OLEG!
THEY'RE SHOOTING
A TV SHOW HERE,
AND THE BACK OF MY HEAD
OR THE SIDE OF MY BOOB
IS GONNA BE IN IT!
- GOOD FOR YOU, MAX.
I WAS ON UKRAINE'S VERSION
OF BIG BROTHER ONCE,
BETTER KNOWN AS
JUST LIVING IN UKRAINE.
- HAN! LAW AND ORDER:
SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT
WANTS TO SHOOT IN THE DINER,
AND IF YOU DON'T SAY YES,
YOU'LL BE MY SPECIAL VICTIM
WHEN I CUT YOUR UNIT OFF.
- PLEASE SAY YES, HAN.
THEY'RE GONNA PAY US
TO BE IN THE BACKGROUND.
- BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW TO ACT?
- ACTUALLY WE DO.
MY ACTING'S METHOD,
WHEREAS HERS IS MORE METH HEAD.
[knocking on door]
- HEY, COME IN.
AND REMEMBER, IF HE SAYS NO,
HE DOESN'T MEAN IT.
HE JUST WANTS YOU
TO FLIRT WITH HIM A LITTLE BIT.
- NOT SO FAST, MAX.
HELLO, I'M HAN LEE,
THE OWNER AND PROPRIETOR.
- OH, "PROPRIETOR."
THAT'S WORD'S BIGGER
THAN YOU ARE.
- WHAT KINDA COMPENSATION
DO YOU WANT?
- WHOA, WHOA,
MY ASIAN BROTHER.
SLOW DOWN!
LET'S ENJOY THE DANCE.
- WE'D LIKE TO SHOOT HERE.
IT'S GOT THE RIGHT AMOUNT
OF FUNK AND SKANK.
- [gasps]
IF WE DO REAL GOOD IN THIS
AND GET A SPIN-OFF, THAT'LL BE
THE NAME OF OUR SHOW--
FUNK AND SKANK.
- OKAY,
BUT I DON'T WANNA BE SKANK.
- OH, CLEARLY I'M SKANK.
- AND MAY I SAY I'M HONORED
I HAVE SUCH A WORTHY OPPONENT
TO BARTER WITH.
[speaking native language]
- DUDE, I'M FROM PASADENA.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE
IN A TV SHOW
WHERE NO ONE WAS YELLING,
"YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!"
- LET'S GO.
BRING IN THE WAITRESS EXTRAS.
- OOH, I LOVE THESE UNIFORMS!
I FEEL LIKE BRENDA
FROM 90210
WHEN SHE WAS DRESSED AS THAT
'50s WAITRESS AT THE PEACH PIT.
- WELL, WHEN WE'RE THE BIG STARS
OF FUNK AND SKANK,
WE WON'T HAVE TO WEAR
ANY UNIFORMS.
- BUT WAIT,
AREN'T FUNK AND SKANK COPS?
- UH, NO, THEY'RE HOOKERS.
- HOW ABOUT A COMPROMISE?
COPS BY DAY,
PROSTITUTES BY NIGHT?
YOU KNOW, COPSTITUTES.
- EITHER WAY,
WE'RE NEW YORK'S FINEST.
- OKAY, EVERYBODY, READY!
HERE WE GO.
- [gasps] LOOK AT EARL
OVER THERE.
- GOOD LUCK, EARL!
- CAMERA ON THE DOOR.
SCENE EIGHT, TAKE ONE.
AND ACTION!
SHOOTER COMES IN.
AND CUT! GOOD!
RESET.
[both gasp]
- EARL, THAT WAS INSPIRING.
I HOPE EVERYONE WHO SEES YOU
GOES OUT AND IGNORES A CRIME.
- IT WAS LIKE THAT SCENE
WAS ABOUT THE CASH REGISTER GUY.
YOU REALLY BROUGHT
SOMETHING EXTRA.
I SMELL AN EMMY.
- OH, THAT'S WEED.
- HI. SORRY WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN
TO YOU GUYS YET.
WHY DON'T YOU HANG OUT
IN THE OFFICE?
I HEAR THERE'S GOOD SUSHI.
YOU LOOK PRETTY.
- I THINK THE DIRECTOR
KINDA LIKES ME.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT HIM,
BUT HIS PENIS DOES.
- OKAY, CAMERA ON THE DOOR.
- SCENE EIGHT, TAKE TWO.
- AND ACTION!
SHOOTER COMES IN.
- BANG! BANG!
- CUT!
EXCUSE ME,
HOW DID YOU GET THROUGH?
- OH, PLEASE.
I ONCE GOT THROUGH
THE BERLIN WALL.
YOU THINK TWO KIDS
WITH WALKIE-TALKIES CAN STOP ME?
- DAMN, THIS ROOM'S GOT
A SWEET SPREAD.
FREE SUSHI? UH-YES.
FREE DESSERT? UH-DUH.
- THIS IS GREAT.
WE'VE GOTTA FIGURE OUT A WAY
TO GET PAID
TO SIT AROUND, EAT FREE FOOD,
AND DO NOTHING MORE OFTEN.
- OH, I THINK YOU CRACKED
THAT CODE A LONG TIME AGO.
- WOULD IT BE TACKY
IF I PACKED SOME SUSHI
IN MY PURSE FOR LATER?
- ALREADY PACKED MINE,
ALREADY PACKED YOURS.
- THIS IS THE VIP LOUNGE.
SEE? THE SHRIMP
HAVE ALREADY BEEN DE-TURDED.
- OH, HI, GIRLS.
YOU FINALLY GOT NEW UNIFORMS.
YOU LOOK STUPID.
- THESE ARE ACTUALLY
FROM THE COSTUME DEPARTMENT
OF A LITTLE SHOW CALLED
LAW & ORDER: SVU
THAT MAX AND I
ARE COSTARRING IN.
- COSTARS? HONEY, PLEASE.
YOU TWO ARE JUST EXTRAS.
- UM, EXTRA PAID
AND FULL OF PURSE SUSHI.
- THEY'RE READY FOR YOU TWO.
- OH! BE RIGHT THERE.
JUST GONNA PUT MY PURSE
IN THE FRIDGE.
- THOMAS. TOM. T-PAIN.
CAN WE CHAT?
- WHAT IS IT, DUDE?
- YOUR CREW GOT SOY SAUCE
ALL OVER MY COMPUTER.
AND ACCORDING TO OUR AGREEMENT,
YOU MUST PAY ALL THE DAMAGES.
- HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT?
- $300.
- IT'S A PIECE OF CRAP.
- BUT IT WAS A GIFT
FROM MY FATHER.
AND YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT
FAMILY IS IN OUR CULTURE.
- AGAIN, I DON'T.
I WAS RAISED BY TWO WHITE WOMEN.
- OH, HEY, HEY.
YES, UH, WHO DO I TALK TO
ABOUT BECOMING A STAR?
- THIS IS SO EXCITING!
- GOD! THAT WOMAN KEEPS
PUSHING MY HEAD DOWN.
I FEEL LIKE I'M ON A DATE
WITH HER.
- OKAY, SO YOU GUYS ARE HERE
BEHIND THE COUNTER,
DOING YOUR WAITRESS THING.
SHOOTER AIMS FOR THE COOK
BUT HITS HER,
OUR FEATURED WAITRESS.
- HEY, DIDN'T I ALREADY SEE YOU
ON SVU?
OH, YEAH, I REMEMBER.
THEY FOUND YOUR HEAD
IN A MINI FRIDGE IN THE HUDSON.
I KNEW I RECOGNIZED YOU.
- WAIT, WE'VE ALREADY
KILLED YOU?
SORRY, BABE, YOU'RE OUT.
- AW.
WELL, YOU GAVE GREAT HEAD.
- TOM, WE GOTTA BUMP SOMEONE UP
TO THE FEATURED WAITRESS.
PAYS 1,000 MORE BUCKS.
- MAX, THAT COULD BE
THE EXTRA MONEY
WE NEED FOR CHESTNUT.
COULD ONE OF US DO IT?
- CAN EITHER OF YOU ACT LIKE
YOU'VE BEEN HIT WITH A BULLET?
- WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENS
I HAVE BEEN HIT
BY A BULLET TWICE--
ONCE AT A 7-ELEVEN
AND ONCE RUNNING AWAY
IN THE PARKING LOT
OF A 7-ELEVEN.
SO YEAH, I THINK I GOT THIS.
- I'M THINKING MAYBE A BLONDE
WOULD BE BETTER.
CAROLINE?
- WELL, I DID HAVE A PRETTY
CONVINCING DEATH SCENE
AS FANTINE,
AND I DIED LIKE--
WELL, SHOULD I JUST SHOW YOU?
- YOU ARE SUCH A NERD.
- THAT'S GREAT, CAROLINE.
SPECIAL EFFECTS,
PUT THE BLOOD DEVICE
ON CAROLINE.
SHE'S OUR SPECIAL VICTIM.
- REALLY? I GOT IT?
- YES, BUT A LITTLE LESS
"FRENCH REVOLUTION,"
AND A LOT MORE
"FACE DOWN ON THE FLOOR."
- YOU CAN'T TAKE A SHOT.
YOU CAN'T EVEN DO A SHOT.
- DON'T BE MAD, MAX.
I'M DOING THIS FOR CHESTNUT.
AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT
HE LIKED MY DEATH SCENE.
- HE LIKED YOUR DEATH SCENE
WITH HIS PENIS.
- WOW, MAX, SHOW BUSINESS REALLY
BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN YOU.
- YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME
AT A WEDDING.
- HELLO!
YOU JUST PUT YOUR HAND
DOWN A WOMAN'S BLOUSE
WITHOUT ASKING?
- EVERY DAY.
- WELL, HERE.
CAN I HELP YOU?
- NO, IT'S A UNION THING.
- AREN'T YOU IN THERE
A LITTLE LONG?
- YEAH. LET ME JUST--
- CAROLINE, THAT SPECIAL
EFFECTS RIG YOU'RE WEARING
IS VERY SENSITIVE,
SO DON'T LET ANYTHING
NEAR YOUR CHEST.
- EXCEPT ME.
- AND DON'T BE NERVOUS.
THE CAMERA'S GONNA LOVE YOU.
HOW COULD IT NOT?
- DJ, STOP FLIRTING WITH ME.
I'M GONNA DIE SOON
AND YOU'LL NEVER GET OVER ME.
- PROMISE YOU'LL DIE SOON?
- MAX, I'M ABOUT TO BE SHOT,
AND I CAN'T DIE
WITH BAD BLOOD BETWEEN US.
- WE'RE GOOD.
YOU'RE LIVING MY DREAM, GIRL.
DO ME PROUD.
- I WILL.
- NO! DON'T HUG WITH IT!
- CAROLINE,
YOU SET THE THING OFF.
WE WEREN'T ROLLING.
- REALLY? THAT'S TOO BAD,
BECAUSE THAT WAS GOLD.
- THAT'S A WRAP, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL PICK IT UP TOMORROW.
- I'M SO SORRY.
IT JUST WENT OFF.
- PRETTIEST SCREW-UP ALL DAY.
AFTER YOU GET CLEANED UP,
WHY DON'T WE HAVE DINNER
AT MY HOTEL?
- DINNER?
YEAH, I'D LIKE THAT.
- LET'S SAY 8:00.
MY ASSISTANT WILL GIVE YOU
THE ADDRESS AND MY ROOM NUMBER.
- YOU KNOW, THIS IS EXACTLY
HOW YOU LOOK IN ALL MY DREAMS
WHERE I SHOOT YOU.
- THE DIRECTOR JUST INVITED ME
TO DINNER AT HIS HOTEL,
BUT IT'S IN HIS ROOM.
DO YOU THINK HE--
- YES.
- IS THAT WHY HE--
- YES.
- WILL YOU COME WITH?
- YES.
- MAYBE YOU'RE WRONG.
MAYBE HE THOUGHT MY AUDITION
WAS REALLY--
- NO.
- CAROLINE, NEXT TIME,
MAYBE A LITTLE LESS.
- NOW, REMEMBER.
THIS DIRECTOR SLIPS YOU ANYTHING
THAT LOOKS LIKE A SWEET TART,
IT'S PROBABLY THAT DATE RAPE
DRUG THAT KNOCKS YOU OUT
AND DISTORTS YOUR MEMORY.
OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT IT DOES
TO THE GUYS I GIVE IT TO.
- IT'S NEVER GONNA GET TO THAT.
I HAVE MY OWN DATE RAPE DRUG.
I TALK ABOUT MYSELF
INCESSANTLY
TILL GUYS GET BORED
AND PASS OUT.
- SO IF THAT DOESN'T WORK,
WHAT ARE YOUR LIMITS?
A LITTLE OVER THE SWEATER,
UNDER SWEATER,
A LITTLE FRONT DOOR, BACK DOOR,
A LITTLE SECRET STAIRCASE?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS,
BUT NO ONE GOES UP MY STAIRCASE,
NOT EVEN FOR CHESTNUT.
AT THE MOST,
I'LL DO KISSING.
- YOU ARE THINKING
LIKE AN EXTRA.
YOU NEED TO THINK
LIKE A STAR
IF YOU'RE GONNA
BUY CHESTNUT SHOES,
THEN THERAPY, THEN A WAY
OUT OF SCIENTOLOGY.
- OH, HI.
YOU BROUGHT COMPANY.
- YES, SHE'S MY RIDE.
WE SHARE A SUBWAY CARD.
- WELL, SHE USES THE CARD.
I JUMP THE TURNSTILE
AND SHE PRETENDS TO CHASE ME,
YELLING "DON'T WORRY,
I'LL GET HER!"
- WELL, COME ON IN.
STAY FOR A GLASS
OF CHAMPAGNE, MAX.
OH, AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT
TAKING THE SUBWAY HOME ALONE.
MY DRIVER CAN TAKE YOU.
- NOW I'M TORN.
BECAUSE AS MUCH
AS I DON'T WANT YOU
TO HAVE SEX
AGAINST YOUR WILL,
I DO WANNA ROLL UP
TO THE MCDONALD'S IN A LIMO.
- THERE'S NO RUSH.
COME ON, LET'S SIT DOWN
AND HANG OUT.
- IT WAS REALLY NICE OF YOU
TO INVITE ME UP HERE
TO HAVE A CASUAL,
WORK-RELATED DINNER.
- MAX THERE, CAROLINE THERE,
AND ME, WELL, HERE.
CAN'T TURN IT OFF,
STILL DIRECTING.
- OH! YOU KNOW,
I LOVE THIS HOTEL.
I CAME HERE ONCE
TO DO A PHOTO SHOOT
FOR A "20 UNDER 20:
TEEN MILLIONAIRES
TO WATCH" SPREAD,
AND I REMEMBER I HAD
JUST GOTTEN MY HAIRCUT,
WHICH WAS A BIG DECISION,
'CAUSE I WAS KINDA KNOWN
FOR MY LONG HAIR.
AND HE WANTED
TO TAKE AN INCH OFF,
WHICH DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE A BIG DEAL,
BUT WHEN YOU'RE KNOWN
FOR YOUR LONG HAIR...
PEOPLE ARE EXPECTING
TO SEE YOU WITH LONG HAIR.
- SO WAS THAT OKAY?
- OH!
YEAH, SURE.
IT--IT'S JUST MAX IS HERE,
AND I DON'T WANT HER
TO FEEL LEFT OUT.
- SORRY.
GOT IT.
THAT WAS NICE.
- YOU'RE A GOOD KISSER.
[clears throat]
ARE YOU EATING
A CINNAMON ALTOID?
- I'M EATING
A CINNAMON ALTOID.
- WELL,
THEN I JUST TASTED YOU.
- LOOK, DJ, I THINK
YOU HAVE THE WRONG IDEA.
[phone ringing]
- OH!
HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
I WOULD NEVER INTERRUPT THIS
FOR A WORK CALL,
BUT IT'S MY WIFE AND I WANNA
SAY "GOOD NIGHT" TO THE KIDS.
- THAT GUY'S A PLAYER.
I'M NOT TALKING MY WAY
OUT OF THIS ONE.
WE'RE SCREWED.
- YEAH!
HE'S GOT A HIGH TOLERANCE.
YOUR LONG-HAIR SPEECH
ALMOST ROOFIED ME.
- WHAT DO WE DO, MAX?
I DON'T WANT TO OFFEND HIM.
WE NEED THAT EXTRA MONEY
FOR CHESTNUT.
THIS IS THE OLDEST TALE
IN THE BOOK--
A WOMAN FORCED TO TRADE HER BODY
TO GET HER CHILD SHOES.
IT'S SHAKESPEARIAN,
IT'S DICKENSIAN,
IT'S KARDASHIAN.
- LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE.
YOU ALREADY THOUGHT
HE WAS SEXY,
SO YOU WERE PROBABLY
GONNA SLEEP WITH HIM EVENTUALLY.
AND NOW THAT HE'S MARRIED,
YOU KNOW HE WON'T CHEAT ON YOU
WITH SOMEBODY ELSE
BECAUSE YOU'RE
THAT SOMEBODY ELSE.
YOU A SIDE BITCH!
- NO, MAX, I CAN
JUST TELL HIM HOW I FEEL.
BESIDES, HE PROBABLY
ALREADY GOT IT.
YOU HEARD ME TELL HIM
HE READ THE SIGNS WRONG.
- [sighs]
- APPARENTLY THE SIGN HE READ
SAID "THREE-WAY UP AHEAD."
- PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT?
HIT SHOW, WIFE, KIDS.
STILL FIND TIME
TO GET TO THE GYM.
SO YOU GUYS NEED TO DRINK
A LITTLE MORE BEFORE WE DO THIS?
'CAUSE I DON'T.
- ALL RIGHT,
I'M JUST GONNA SAY THIS
BEFORE THAT TOWEL
COMES OFF.
I THINK YOU'VE MISREAD
THE SIGNALS HERE.
- REALLY!
THAT SUCKS.
- I'M SORRY.
THESE THINGS HAPPEN.
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT TIME
I HAD TEA
WITH THAT PRINCE IN DUBAI
AND HE THOUGHT HE BOUGHT ME.
- TURNS OUT HE BOUGHT
A DIFFERENT BLONDE.
[laughs]
OH, MEN!
- GOOD MORNING, DJ.
- MORNING!
- SEE, MAX?
NO HARD FEELINGS.
I TOLD YOU
IT WAS GONNA WORK OUT.
HI! I'M READY
FOR MY FAKE BLOOD POUCH.
- UM, I THINK YOU GOT
THE WRONG BREASTS.
BUT FOR A ROUGH GUY,
YOU GOT A SOFT TOUCH.
- YUP.
- THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE.
UH, MAX IS NOW GETTING FEATURED,
AND YOU'RE IN THE B.G.--
BACKGROUND.
- THESE ARE REAL?
- YEP.
- NICE JOB.
- YOU HEAR THAT, MAX?
NOW I'M IN THE B.G.
I DIDN'T DO DJ,
SO I'M IN THE B.G.
- MAX!
WE HAVE TIME FOR
ONE FULL TAKE BEFORE LUNCH,
THEN WE'LL COME BACK AND DO
THE REST OF YOUR COVERAGE AFTER.
HEY, MAYBE YOU AND I COULD
HAVE A LITTLE LUNCH TOGETHER
IN MY TRAILER.
- WELL,
I DO LOVE A TRAILER.
- OKAY, LET'S STAY
ON SCHEDULE, PEOPLE.
MY KID'S READING A POEM
AT SCHOOL.
BY THE WAY,
YOUR RACK LOOKS FANTASTIC.
- YOU SEEM LIKE
A GREAT DAD.
- DJ, IS THIS
ABOUT LAST NIGHT,
'CAUSE I WOULDN'T
WEAR A TOWEL?
- NO.
NO, WE'RE GOOD.
I DON'T WANNA SEE THAT.
BURY HER DEEP.
- "BURY HER DEEP"?
DID HE JUST SAY,
"BURY HER DEEP"?
- CAROLINE, YOU NEED
TO WORK BACK THERE.
- IS THIS HOW HOLLYWOOD
TREATS WOMEN?
- THIS IS HOW HOLLYWOOD
TREATS EVERYONE.
- EVERYBODY READY.
- MAX, IF YOU DO THIS,
YOU'LL BE GETTING PAID FOR SEX.
- WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME.
- PLACES, EVERYONE.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
CHESTNUT IS MY HORSE.
- AND ACTION!
MAX, YOU'RE WIPING THE COUNTER.
THE KILLER COMES IN.
YOU LOOK UP.
- [under breath]
DON'T DO IT.
WE CAN FIND MONEY
SOMEWHERE ELSE.
- CUT!
TOM, I DON'T WANNA SEE HER.
- CAROLINE.
- HERE THEY COME.
- COME ON, EVERYBODY.
BACK TO ONE.
- AND ACTION!
MAX, YOU'RE WIPING THE COUNTER.
THE KILLER COMES IN.
YOU LOOK UP.
- PICK UP!
[bell dings]
MAX, SERIOUSLY,
IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
- CUT!
GET HER OUT OF THERE.
RESET, RESET.
- SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT, PEOPLE.
NOW, LET'S GIVE ME
THE BULLET
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR
MY WHOLE LIFE.
- I HAVEN'T FELT
THIS UNWANTED
SINCE I TRIED TO TEACH
THOSE INNER-CITY SCHOOL KIDS
HOW TO KNIT.
- CAROLINE,
YOU HAVE TO STAY HERE,
AWAY FROM THE SHOT,
OR NEITHER OF YOU
IS GONNA BE PAID.
- HEY, TOM, YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS SCENE NEEDS?
A LITTLE MORE CASHIER.
- OY, THAT CREW IS DOING
A LOT OF DAMAGE TO THIS DINER.
- WELL, I'M DOING SOME DAMAGE
TO THIS FANCY FRENCH WATER.
- 150 FOR THE FLOOR,
20 FOR THE NAPKINS THEY USED,
AND...
AND 55 BUCKS FOR THAT
GORGEOUS PICTURE OF THE CITY.
- THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
HOW MUCH LONGER DO I HAVE
TO WAIT TO BE DISCOVERED?
- DO WHAT EVERY OTHER
AMERICAN WOULD DO--
SKIP THE HARD WORK
AND PUT OUT A SEX TAPE.
- NO, I'M GONNA GO OUT THERE.
WHERE'S MY LIPSTICK?
HERE, HOLD MY SHAKE WEIGHT.
AND MY FRESCA.
OH, HI.
WHO DO I TALK TO ABOUT
GETTING A PART IN THIS THING?
I MEAN, I ALREADY LET THE GUY
WHO PUTS OUT THE COOKIES
TOUCH MY BOOBS.
- WE DON'T HAVE A GUY
WHO PUTS OUT COOKIES.
- YO.
- OKAY, EVERYBODY READY!
CAMERA UP!
- OH, HE LOOKS IMPORTANT.
- OH, NO, NO! STOP, STOP!
- NO! LET GO!
- OOH!
- NOT THE BLOOD SWITCH!
[bang]
- AHHH!
SOMEONE SHOT MAX!
- CUT!
TOM, GET RID OF MAX TOO.
GET ME ANOTHER GIRL.
- TYPICAL!
SHOOT ON MY CHEST
AND YOU'RE DONE WITH ME.
- HI, YOU LOOKING
FOR A NEW GIRL?
- LAST TIME I LOOKED
LIKE THIS,
I WAS COMING OUT
OF AN ACID TRIP
AND MY FRIEND DANIEL
WAS MISSING.
- I GOTTA ADMIT,
GETTING SHOT FELT
KINDA GANGSTA WAITRESS.
I'M LIKE NOTORIOUS BLT.
- SO HERE'S THE DEAL.
WE'LL PAY YOU
FOR THE DAY YESTERDAY,
BUT NOT FOR TODAY
OR FOR THE FEATURED EXTRA.
- SAY WHAT?
- NOT SO FAST, MY BROTHER.
HERE IS THE LATEST TALLY
FOR MY DINER DAMAGE.
- WHAT'S THIS LAST
$1,000 CHARGE?
- THAT IS FOR THE DAMAGE
DONE TO MAX AND CAROLINE.
ACCORDING
TO CREW SCUTTLEBUTT,
THE DIRECTOR TRIED
SOME FUNNY BUSINESS LAST NIGHT.
- THIS IS NOT COOL, DUDE.
- IT IS MOST DECIDEDLY
NOT COOL, PAL.
SO MAYBE THERE IS SOMEONE
IN A UNION I CAN TALK TO
ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR
DAMAGE.
- NOT TO MENTION THE CHILD
LABOR LAWS YOU VIOLATED
BY WORKING WITH HAN.
- DON'T TALK TO ANYONE.
I'LL GET 'EM PAID.
THIS SUCKS.
I KNEW WE SHOULD'VE
SHOT AT A DENNY'S.
- HAN, THAT IS THE SWEETEST,
COOLEST THING
YOU JUST DID FOR US.
- IT IS, AND CAROLINE IS TOTALLY
GONNA PUT OUT FOR YOU TONIGHT.
THAT'S KIND OF HER THING NOW.
- WELL, I DON'T WANT ANYONE
TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU TWO.
YOU'RE MY GIRLS.
- AND TONIGHT, ON A VERY SPECIAL
EPISODE OF FUNK AND SKANK,
THE CUTE, TINY ASIAN GUY
TURNS OUT TO BE THE GIRLS' PIMP,
AND THE COPSTITUTES
ARE ABLE TO BUY NEW HORSESHOES.