2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 20 - And the Big Hole - full transcript

Oh, yeah, baby.
Oh, take it all!

Oh, oh, no,
you take it, baby.

No, baby,
you take it all!

- Oh, no, you take it, baby.
- No, baby, you take it!

Dear God,
will one of you just take it

and get it over with?

Max, there is no way
you could be sleeping

through Oleg
and Sophie.

Does that actually work?

It does,
with a little help from this.

Gimme.

Whoo!

I was hoping
that'd be fruitier.

I mean, they're here.

They're there.
Then, they're here again.

It's like we're a village
under attack.

Yup, just a matter
of time

till someone sends in
a drone.

And it's not just
that moaning.

I think I heard a big ball
rolling around up there.

If a ball
is rolling around up there,

Oleg should stop
and see a doctor.

This couldn't be
any more intrusive.

Oh!

Uhoh.

Sorry about that.

A bowling ball?

And why do they need
a bowling ball?

Maybe they ran out
of holes.

Have you guys
seen a ball?

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

Pick up, Max.

And sorry about the hole
in your ceiling.

Oleg, I'm not even
gonna ask you

to keep it
in your pants anymore,

but could you keep it
in your apartment?

- Oh, hey, Sophie.
- Hey, Max.

Oh, spring is in
the air.

This is the time of year
in Poland

when the snow
would melt

and all our dead relatives
would float back to us.

I've never been
to Europe,

but it sounds beautiful.

Max, where is Caroline?

And don't tell me
she's in the ladies' room,

because I already peeked
under all those stalls.

She wasn't there.

But I saw things.

Well, congratulations
on finally seeing those things.

She's 20 minutes late,
and, as the boss,

I will
not have it.

Wow, someone woke up
on the wrong side of his crib.

You're late.
This is unacceptable.

Don't mind him.

He just saw
his first vagina,

and he's furious.

Okay, here's the thing.

I had to take a nap
because Oleg and Sophie

were having sex
all night long.

Not true.

We took a break
to watch a porno.

Punctuality
is the number one rule

in my employee handbook,
which I've adorably named

the Han-book.

Relax, Han.

Nobody's gonna die
if I'm not here

to drop off
a tuna melt.

In fact, they're more likely
to die if I do drop it off.

Late, and with an attitude.

You think you're too good
for the diner?

Of course
she thinks that.

I think sourdough bread
is too good for this diner.

Well, what other career option
do you have, Caroline?

Hmm, let's see.
Cupcakes?

No, wait, your shop
didn't last six months.

- Don't go there, Han.
- Oh, I'm already there.

And now I'm back.

Why so moody, Han?
Are you man-struating?

Is it that time
of the man-th?

That shop
was our dream, Han,

and this is just
a dumb diner.

- You're fired.
- Ooh! I'm fired?

Max, Han just fired me.

You lucky
son of a whore.

I'm serious, Caroline.
You called my diner "dumb."

Well, at least my diner's
still open and successful,

whereas your cupcake shop
was so dumb, it failed.

Ooh, he did not
go there.

I went there,
and then I came back,

and then
I went there again.

You know what?
I don't need this.

Well, actually,
you do kinda need this

'cause we broke.

Broke or not, I don't have
to stand here and take this.

- I quit.
- Oh, really? You quit?

You must be dumber
than my diner

because I already
fired you.

Han, I know you've had it
up to here,

but you need to relax.

Can you believe
Han fired me?

I mean, where does
he get off?

Probably in Buffy
The Vampire Slayer chat rooms.

Have you been standing here
by the door this whole time?

I didn't even pee.
I was afraid I'd miss you.

So, hold on.

So, basically,
you had the same day as a puppy?

Han's lucky
I work there.

I bring class and sophistication
to that place.

There's no toilet paper,

and I just used
the last coffee filter.

You are sophisticatin'
the hell

out of that toilet
right now.

And you know what?

You can tell Han
that the only way

I am ever going back there
is if he apologizes.

Okay, but first,
he wanted me to tell you this.

The only way
you're ever going back there

is if you apologize.

Well, an apology from me
is not happening.

Oh, yeah, baby.
Ooh, take it all.

Oh, oh, no,
you take it, baby.

Oh, baby--

And that is not happening
again tonight either.

Again?
That could've hit us.

Now, that's unsafe sex.

I think it's pretty neighborly
of us

to return someone's
sex bowling ball.

You know we have to bury
those mitts now.

And we have to tell them
to stop

whatever it is
they're doing up here.

Probably a 7-10 split.

And now
they're not making noise.

It's like when you go
to the zoo,

and the lion
goes inside.

It's Max
and Caroline.

Your ball came
into our yard again.

Hi.
Yeah, it's not a good time.

Uh, we're role-playing,

and, obviously,
I'm Beyonce.

♪ Uh, oh, uh, oh,
uh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Yeah.
Hey, Jay Z?

Look at all
the single ladies.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Jay Z and I
have a lot in common.

He bought
the Brooklyn Nets.

I bought my hairnets
in Brooklyn.

I'm not surprised
that you're Jay Z and Beyonce,

but I am kinda surprised
that they bowl.

Where should
I put this?

Oh, well, I'll tell you
what I told him.

Put it anywhere
you want.

So that's basically our ball
at this point.

Look, you two may be
crazy in love,

but your love
is driving us crazy.

Crazy in love?

Oh, come on.
We're not in love.

Oleg and I
are just shtup buddies.

Shtup buddies?

I wouldn't say
that's all we are.

Oh, no,
you're right.

We also share
a CVS points reward card.

Is it really a reward
if it comes from CVS?

Can't you two ever do it
over at Oleg's apartment?

Or are all
the lanes reserved?

I have no idea
where he lives.

Wait, you've never been
to Oleg's apartment?

No, with my busy
work schedule,

I don't have the time
to get

the battery of shots
that I would need.

Hey.
Hey, hey.

You'd be surprised
by my apartment, Sophie.

It's more than just the place
the quadruple orgasm was born.

Yeah, well,
that sounds nice.

Oh, yes.
Beyonc--

Uh-oh.

Yeah.

Um, Beyonce's hair
just fell out.

I gotta go get
my hot glue gun.

♪ Uh, oh, uh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ uh, oh, uh, oh,
uh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Girls, I may have oversold
my apartment.

What, by saying she won't need
to get shots?

Yes.

Maybe you two could help me
fix it up a little,

give it
a feminine touch.

Well, I'm out.

You know what?
I'll do it.

But I'm very recently
out of work,

so I'm gonna have
to charge you.

If you didn't,
you'd be the only girl

who ever went to his apartment
without getting paid.

You got a deal.

Oleg's apartment's
this way.

I can smell
the axe body spray.

I'll just throw a couple
of these pillows around,

and then we'll be gone.

I can't believe I'm walking up
to Oleg's apartment.

I always thought
I'd be dragged here unconscious

with electrical tape
over my mouth.

Afternoon, ladies.

This is
where the magic happens.

Well, I'm sure you've made
some women disappear here.

Okay.

Just off the top
of my head,

I think we're gonna need
a couple more pillows.

If you keep your apartment
like this,

do you get to pay
1980s rent prices?

You haven't even seen
the best part yet.

Look.

Goin' up the stairway
to heaven, baby.

Oh, yeah.

There it is.
That's my bed.

Where are we?
Studio 69?

That's 1,500 tracer bulbs.

I tore most
of them out

of the new Cineplex 14
in Queens.

First of all,
I am smelling something

that can only be described
as anti-antiperspirant.

And, secondly...

No woman wants to walk
into this.

According to this,
685 already have.

Actually, it's 1,685.

After a thousand,
the counter resets.

Look, if you don't
want Sophie to feel

like she's next in line
at the DMV...

More like the S-T-D-MV.

Then we have a lot
of work to do.

Okay.
Make it look romantic.

When she comes in,
I want her to feel special,

like she's the only woman
that's ever been here today.

Let's just sit down
and talk about this.

Oh, my God.
Max, is she dead?

No.
She's Alexis.

You have one of those
anatomically-correct real dolls!

It's rare to see one
without a short, fat man

standing next to it
with a button penis.

They sell for $6,000,

but I got her
for half off.

She was
previously loved.

Max, you are not
doing that.

The hell I'm not.

This is my one chance
to see a woman naked

without having
to spoon her after.

Respect.

Well, you've made a lot
of strong choices here,

but I'm not sure
they're all working together.

For example, that sex swing
is fighting the goat.

Now, why don't we start
by you going

and getting us
some rubber gloves?

Lots of them,
and the strongest bleach

and soap products
you can find.

Oh, and a Hazmat suit.

Don't worry about the size.
I can belt it.

But you're gonna keep
my good stuff, right?

If I see any,
I'll consider it. Go.

What are you going to do
with Alexis?

Rehab, and then
a women's shelter in Montana.

Go!

I've got a lot of work
to do.

But first...

And I do it.
And I do it.

Can you please
turn that off, Max?

I'm starting to feel
a little dizzy...

And I can't fall
on the floor,

'cause I might stick
to it.

You don't have
to do this!

Just call Han
and apologize,

and we can get outta here
before the syphilis sets in.

No, he said some really
hurtful things to me,

and I'd rather stay here
and work for Oleg and Alexis.

At least
I'll have my dignity.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go climb

the sperm-ship Enterprise.

Let me just get
these curtains open

so I can see better.

Seeing better?
Is that the way to go?

Oh.

I'm walking
on a water bed.

This is harder
than it looks.

How many times
has that been said on this bed?

Oh, my heel!

I swallowed!
I accidentally swallowed.

You know
that's been said.

Max, we got a problem.

See that girl?

Oh, what?
The usual drill?

You hold her arms, and I
punch her till she tips 20%?

As much as I enjoy that
when we do it, no.

She's here to apply
for Caroline's job.

What?

Han's really going through
with this?

I thought
it was all talk,

like when a Chihuahua
barks at a big dog.

Me too.
I thought it would blow over.

You know, like Han did
in the wind that time?

But, no,
he is serious.

No way.
I got this.

Hi, is that your resume?

Let's take
a little look-see.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Oh, you worked there?
Cool.

Yep.
I'm a very hard worker.

Good.
Can you block a punch?

'Cause the owner hits us.

He broke my femur.

When I complained,
he broke the other one.

Run before he sees me
talking to you.

Earl, I gotta get Han
and Caroline to make up.

I don't have access
to the pills I need

to keep working here
without her.

Any advice or pills?

Well, let's see.

We are kind of like
a family here,

except I can see you
unsupervised on the weekends.

And you didn't use
my college fund

to buy a married man
a Corvette.

And in my family,
when my kids would fight,

I tried to get them
to talk to each other,

because honesty
is key.

But if that didn't work,
I'd lie to their faces--

lock them in their room
and tell them

that the other one
had three weeks to live.

You know, what used to be known
as good parenting.

Max, I've got 12
overqualified candidates

coming in for
the waitress position today.

Thank you,
crumbling economy!

You know, Han,
here at this diner,

we're kind of like
a little family, and--

oh, I can't do this.

Caroline has three weeks
left to live.

I'm serious.
She drank Oleg's water bed.

It's just a matter
of time.

Nice try, Max.

I'm not going
to give her back her job.

She should've checked herself
before she wrecked herself.

Come on.
Hire her back.

Be the bigger man.

And note,
I did not make a short joke,

because this
is important,

and also because I'm still
working on something

with Peter Dinklage's name.

No way, Max.
I am holding firm.

You know, firm Han
is kinda hot.

- He is?
- Yeah.

I'm kinda feeling
firm Han.

I have no interest
in feeling the firm part,

but I'll hang out
with the rest.

You want to hang out
with me?

I'm generally free
mondays through Fridays,

mornings and evenings,

and my weekends
are wide open.

I may have a wedding
to go to in June, but--

Breathe.

Come over tomorrow.

Caroline
will be at Oleg's.

We can get stoned
and watch a movie.

The last time
I was stoned

was from a contact high
I got at a concert.

Well, those wiggle shows
do get crazy.

Look at us, Max,

hanging outside of work
at your place

like a couple of homeys.

Yeah,
and where is my homey?

Oh, it's this way.
I can smell the axe body spray.

Now, what movie
should we watch?

I brought Shrek,
Shrek 2, Shrek 3,

Shrek 3-D, and that
Cameron Diaz cancer movie.

Is there one
where Shrek has cancer?

Wow.
This is completely--

the same place
I always live at.

Max, it's so pretty.

I thought your place
would have furniture

made out of razor blades
or something.

I wish.
That sounds bitchin'.

What are you guys
doing here?

What is Caroline
doing here?

You said she was going to be
at Oleg's.

I am at Oleg's.

You guys live with Oleg?

You told him
this was our apartment?

As a wise person
once told me, sometimes,

you gotta lie
to keep your family together.

I'm not letting
anyone leave

until you talk
to each other.

I don't understand.
Are we not smoking weed?

Oh, I already did.

I don't know
what his problem is.

He fired me for missing
20 minutes of work.

Why doesn't he fire himself
for missing puberty?

Let it go, Han.

She spent her morning
dusting a strap-on.

I didn't fire you
because you were late.

I fired you because you
crapped all over the diner,

and you forgot that diner
lifted you up

when you had nothing.

Well, I lifted you up

when you couldn't reach
the canned corn.

So, we're even.
Fight over.

What the hell did you do
to my apartment?

It looks like you could film
a douche commercial in here.

Oleg, this is what
you asked for: Romantic.

Romantic?

My place went from
Fifty Shades of Grey

to fifty shades
of beige.

Where's my sex swing?
Where's my sex chair?

Where's my poster
that says,

"Poke her in the front,
lick her in the back"?

Oleg, relax.

All your stuff's either
in the basement or the closet.

And I think would know more
about what a woman

would like to come home to
than a man

whose last girlfriend
was made in the Philippines.

It's me!

Hide your kids!
Hide your wife!

Sophie!
She can't know you're here.

Go, go,
all of you.

Han!
Get in the closet!

Putting a guy who's
in the closet in the closet?

That's like gay
nesting dolls.

I'm not gay.
I'm a metrosexual.

This is where
the magic happens?

Oh.

Oh, no.

Do you live
with your mother?

What?
You don't like?

I thought you would enjoy
the girl's touch.

What girls?

The Golden Girls?

Sophie hates it.

I should've just thrown
a boiled ham on the bed.

Oh, no.

My hair's stuck
in Oleg's clothes.

Please don't let it be
a pant zipper.

Oh.

Han, Alexis.
Alexis, Han.

Ew, take it away
from me.

It's so heavy--
Oh, no, oh, no.

Help.
Get her off of me.

Why?
You're finally getting some.

Take it... take it!

I got it, I got it..

Oh... Oh...
Oh... Whoa....

Look! Han's fallen
and he can't get it up!

What the hell
is going on here?

I mean, this is freaky
even for me.

Sophie, I can explain.

I hired Caroline
to redo my apartment

so it wouldn't be
the dirty bachelor pad

you were expecting.

But you are the dirty bachelor
that I'm expecting.

And why would you
hire Caroline?

She doesn't know
about sexy stuff.

She couldn't even figure out
what we do

with the bowling ball.

Sophie, you should've seen
what was in here.

I mean, he had this
anatomically correct real doll

he named Alexis.

Yeah, well,
she's very pretty.

He had a sex swing.

Ooh, a sex swing.

What are you
gonna tell me now?

That he had a water bed?

I did.

It had
1,500 tracer bulbs.

It was hot.

Well, who has it now?

I wanna be with him.

Oh, hell, I'm tired
of all this role-playing,

so I'm just going
to say it.

Sophie,
I am in love with you.

Oh.

Well, I haven't
said this to a man

in a very long time,

but I like you
a little bit.

I don't know what
she's talking about, Caroline.

I think it's pretty.

You make
everything prettier,

even the dumb diner.

Your diner's not dumb.

I miss the diner.

And it misses you.

You can have
your job back.

Is it just 'cause I'm stoned,
or did anyone else

feel that deep connection
between them?

Could you all leave?

I wanna be alone
with Oleg...

And Alexis.

Now are we going
to smoke weed?

Yeah, I'm dying
to see you high.

Well, as high
as you can get.