2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 18 - And Not-So-Sweet Charity - full transcript

Max, look,
the mailman came.

Where am I looking,
your chest, yo hair?

Gimme a hint.

It's here.
Our eviction notice.

It's amazing you can send

this much shame
for just 46 cents.

What, you miss three out of
six months and you're out?

We're batting .500.

That's hall of fame stuff
right there.

Hi, girls.

I just stopped by
to get a cupcake

to eat on the way
to the gym.

Here, have a seat.

I'll get you your usual.

Max, where are
the lemon meringue cupcakes?

Stopped making 'em.

And the fudge berries

and the purple velvets.

We have so many
left over every day

that even the homeless lady
I give them to at night

was like, "Girl, your shop
in trouble, ain't it?"

So what, Max?

You think we should
take business advice

from a woman who thinks
our nation's currency

should be the McNugget?

She makes a good point.

Uhoh.

I think it's getting a little
too real in here for me.

I'm gonna go push up my boobs
and glue my tooth back on.

Seriously, what
are we gonna do about this?

I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.

Aww, you ripped up
an eviction notice.

That's the one thing my mother
and I used to do together.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

Max, I know
our shop's in trouble.

It's all I think about.

Even in my sexual fantasies,

I'm giving Ryan Gosling
a rent check.

I just wish we had a sign
that told us what to do.

See? Customers.

That's a sign to stay open.

Here, pretend to be busy.

We'll send those
right out.

Thank you for calling,
Oprah.

Hi, I'm Joanne Morse.

I wish I was rich enough
to have somedy talk for me.

Max, are you blind?
She's deaf.

Oh. So cool.

I've wanted to be deaf
ever since she moved in.

I'm a representative from
Tenner Commercial Real Estate.

We're acquiring
this property

and would like to offer you
a corporate buy out.

I understood that better
when she said it.

Thank you very much,
but we're not interested.

I speak
a little sign language.

You just said
"Thank you very much,

but I'm not
wearing underwear."

I knew that tutor
was screwing with me.

And I'm the one
not wearing underwear.

We're ready to offer you
$25,000 to take over your lease.

Hell yes, bitch.

Max, no.
What are you doing?

This shop is our dream.

Well, our dream
is turning into a nightmare

and no one's coming
to wake us up.

This is our future.

I'm sorry, thank you very much,
but we're gonna pass.

Our business is booming.

Oh, yeah.

Look at him.

Yeah.

Come on and vogue.

Yes.

Yeah, dance to the music.

Yeah.

Remember when Madonna
was alive?

Those were
the good old days.

We'll give you some time
to think about it,

but with your
delinquent rent history,

if you stay, we would need
six months' rent up front.

So I'd take the $25,000.

It's a good deal.

$25,000?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Uh, uh, we... call... you.

Okay?

Yeah.

Sophie,
it's none of your business.

This is our decision.

[Sighs]

You said you
were looking for a sign.

What's more of a sign
than sign language?

No.
End of story.

I would not sell this shop

for all the McNuggets
in the world.

I still believe in our dream,

and it does not end
with an offer

from the def real estate jam.

Women. Am I right?
[Chuckles]

Earl, I need some advice.

Caroline and I
were offered money

to buy out
the cupcake store,

and as my spirit animal,
Kenny Rogers, once asked,

"When do you hold 'em
and when do you fold 'em?"

Well, Max, there
are two things in life

you've got to hold on to:
Your dreams,

and your receipt
when you're leaving Best Buy.

Oh, you do not want to be
a black man without a receipt.

Mm-mm.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Max, did you just give me
the cold shoulder?

Oh, my God, I've been doing
that for a year and a half

and you finally got it.

I'm sorry
for storming out earlier,

but we just can't give it up
that easy.

I can, and have,
and will again.

Maybe it's better
if we just get out now.

I heard a customer saying

a Whole Foods
is going in over there.

You know who goes
to Whole Foods?

Rich ladies with
those freaky toe sneakers.

And I cannot be seeing
no freaky toe sneakers.

Whole Foods?

That's the sign
I've been looking for.

No wonder they wanted
to get rid of us.

With a Whole Foods there,

they can raise
everybody's rent.

That's fine,
we don't pay it anyway.

I knew it was gonna be
the hot new neighborhood.

I knew it!
This is it, Max.

First comes the Whole Foods,
then come the gays,

then the celebrities.

Well, the gays
will come anyway

as long as there's a park.

Seriously, Max,
it's just a matter of time

before we're telling
Anne Hathaway,

"Forget that fake smile

and just go wait in line
like everybody else."

Han, they're opening up
a Whole Foods

right near
our cupcake shop.

Another Whole Foods?

They won't be happy till it's
"Whole Country," am I right?

I saw that on a meme.

Now we have to stay
in that neighborhood.

We just have to come up with
six months rent up front.

Well, I'd love
to help you, ladies,

but I forgot my PIN number
in 2008.

Wait a minute,
2008.

That's my PIN number!

You want my money?

Ehr mah gerd.

I've been looking at
a lot of memes.

Oh, that's
who you look like.

Grumpy cat!

Max, I know we've borrowed
from everyone we know,

but I'm so convinced
that this is the right thing

that I'm willing
to stoop to something

I never thought I'd do.

Look, you're sweet
and you're adorable,

but you're way too bony to
bring in more than 40 a night.

And even if you got
an animal sidekick,

it's still not
gonna get us there.

It would get me there.

We can make an appointment,
go into the city,

and ask my aunt Charity
for the money.

She's president
of a cosmetic empire

and she's filthy rich.

And how is she
literally the only thing

you've never talked about?

Because she hates me.

That's what family is.

People who hate you,
but can't kill you

'cause they're
the first ones questioned.

I'm surprised
you're still waiting.

Most people leave
after two hours.

Well, it's not
a problem for us.

We'll wait two hours,
three, a whole day.

That sounds about right.

[Intercom beeps]

Stephanie.

Coming.

That's not my name,

but I'm afraid to tell her.

So why doesn't
your aunt like you?

I don't know.
She just doesn't like me.

For example,
one time, when I was ten,

and we were at
our Hamptons beach house--

I already don't like you.

I wanted my night-night cocoa
in my special seagull mug--

Now I hate you.

And my aunt Charity,
who was babysitting

because everybody else
was in Europe

at the dressage
competition...

Now I've beat you up
and left you for dead.

Told me my seagull cup
was broken

and I knew it wasn't.

And when
I wouldn't stop crying,

she locked me in my bedroom,

and when the servants
weren't looking,

pulled my hair.

Love her.

You can go in now.

It's not that big
a deal, Kevin.

We're launching
a lipstick at Target,

not a missile at Iran.

Aunt Charity, hi.

Caroline,
look at you.

Gorgeous, beautiful.
You stuck with that nose.

Good for you.

And who's this
with the great lips?

Aunt Charity,
this is my friend

and business partner,
Max.

Nice to meet you.

Did she tell you
I pulled her hair?

Oh, it was legend
around the family townhouse.

My brother
came into my room.

"Did you pull
my princess's hair?

She said
you pulled her hair."

I mean, come on.
She's 10, I'm 23.

What, I'm just gonna reach up
and pull her hair?

I mean,
how would that happen?

Ow.

I mean, who would
just pull a child's hair?

Ow.

I mean, come on.
I'm gonna pull her hair?

- Ow.
- Pull her hair?

- Ow! Ow!
- Pull her hair?

Ow! Okay,
you just pulled my hair.

Oh, my God,
here we go again.

Get the lawyers.

Come on, have a seat.

Have a seat
in the big girl chair.

You're a big girl now.

Aunt Charity, thank you
so much for seeing us.

I know your time
is very valuable.

I have all the time
in the world for you.

You're family.

Stephanie, I'm not
doing anything important.

Bring me those documents
to sign.

I haven't seen
this one since I was 25

and my parents cut me off.

You sleep with
one Pakistani lesbian,

you're out
of the family.

Here, you with the big lips,
try these.

Tell me which ones you hate.

Aunt Charity started
her makeup empire at 26

when she invented
bubblegum-flavored lip gloss.

Oh, my God,
that was you?

I loved that.

I was wearing that
during my first kiss.

And thank you, because
I got an "A" in that class.

Every girl who loves
lipstick loves me,

except for this one,
who hates me

[mocking]
Because I was so mean

and I broke
her night-night cocoa cup.

Aunt Charity,
I never said you were mean.

I was ten, and I just
got a little confused

about what happened
to my seagull cup.

But I'm an adult now.

When I go night-night,

I barely even think
about that cocoa cup.

Caroline, I was 23.

I don't remember
anything about a cup.

All I remember
about that weekend

was that Versace
was murdered

and my dress
would obviously be late.

Now, why are you here?

Tell me. You have my full
and undivided attention.

Where and where?

Well, Aunt Charity,
as you may or may not know,

I now have
a start-up business.

Hey, is it me, or does
this look like a dog penis?

She's fun.
Seems professional.

Good choice.

And, as you know,

I've always respected
your business acumen.

- Even when I was a little--
- How much?

Fine, businesswoman
to businesswoman--

I need a number.
Give me a number.

25,000.

And all these lipsticks,

including dog penis.

And I'm not asking
for a handout.

- This is a business opportunity.
- No.

Maybe--no.

Look, Caroline,

if this were truly
a business transaction,

you'd have cupcakes here
to show me, but you don't.

I know all about
your business.

Stephanie googled you.

She has the strength
to Google?

Has she googled
"How to eat"?

See yourselves out.

I'm going to my dermatologist
for a little procedure.

I want to take two years
off my face

just so people will think,
"Is she 38 or 39?

It's so hard to tell."

But just so you know,
you were my last chance

to keep my dream
and our business alive.

You're resourceful.
You'll think of something.

Now come here.

In spite of it all,
we are family.

Give me a hug.

[Sighs]

Ow!

Wow.

She's kind of a monster,

but she gave me free stuff,
so I'm torn.

Aunt Charity's
a smart businesswoman.

She won't be able
to deny a good product.

I can't believe
I'm making cupcakes

so you can go back for round two
with that woman.

Auntie Charity
might be the anti-Christ.

I'll do anything
to keep our business going.

And if these cupcakes
don't work,

we'll tell her
you're Pakistani

and let her go after it.

Even if you do convince her
to give us the money,

that's bitch money.

We don't take bitch money.

Max, you pick up pennies
off the pee corner.

Not true.
Dimes and up.

Hi!
We'll just be a second.

- Oh, no. Oh, no.
- Cool hair, David Bowie.

Okay, she's definitely
not seeing anyone today.

Sorry to burst in,
Aunt Charity,

but we wanted you to have
some of our cupcakes.

[Both scream]

It took two layers
to take off two years,

but it was worth it.

Just so you know,
the third layer is bone.

Either I'm high,
or my chair melted.

Okay, you're high.

She's on morphine lollipops
for the pain.

Really? 'Cause I'd like
to be on one for the fun.

♪ I got that
boom boom boom ♪

♪ I got that boom boom boom

♪ I got that
boom boom boom ♪

Okay, it's time
to change your face mask.

You know what?
Let me do that.

I can help
my aunt Charity.

I'll do anything
to help someone in my family

because families
help each other.

Well, why don't you
help yourself

to an adult-sized
pair of boobies?

Like my boobs,
like my nose.

Okay,
here's the new face mask.

You peel the soiled one off,

then swab the affected area
with Q-tips.

And I left modeling

because I thought it
was degrading.

- Question, Stephanie.
- Yeah?

Do these come
in orange, or lime,

or is it just
the white flavor?

Ah, screw it.

After a couple of licks,
it won't matter.

I'm happy to do this for you,
Aunt Charity,

and not just for the money,
but 'cause we're family.

I hate you.

Always have.

You can't mean that,
Aunt Charity.

Up until you were born,
I was the family princess.

And then you came in,
and you got the boom boom boom

and you took
my boom boom boom.

So I locked you
in a room room room.

Well, I'm sorry you think
I took your boom boom boom,

but you really did
take my seagull cup

and lock me in a room.

Room room.

I'm not giving you any money,
little girl.

Just so you know.

Well,
maybe you'll feel differently

after you taste
one of our cupcakes.

Here, why don't we take
a minute for a little bite?

Nope, I don't want it.

It'll show you what a good
business investment we are.

Here, come--come here.

Just--oh--just taste it.

Here.

Come on, taste--
take a bite.

This is pretty disturbing.

I would intervene right now
if I wasn't feeling amazing.

Yummy, right?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, that's your face.

I think you're
chewing your face.

That's the best cupcake
I have ever had,

but I am still not
giving you any money.

Why not?
It's the least you could do

after you broke
my seagull cup.

Oh, my God, are you still
talking about that seagull cup?

I haven't thought
about that in 15 years.

If we're gonna be talking
about that stupid seagull cup,

I'm gonna need
another lollipop.

Where does she keep them?

Oh, here, they're in this cup
that has a seagull on it.

Wait.

Where have I
heard of seagull cup before?

That's my
night-night cocoa cup.

I knew it wasn't broken.

You hid it and kept it
all these years?

Yep.

Why would you want
to hurt me like that?

It's obvious.

She's obsessed
with her brother,

and she saw your being born

as his love being
taken away from her.

Damn, this thing
makes me smart.

Well,
I hope you're happy now,

because I lost a lot more
than my night-night cocoa cup.

I lost my money, my father,

and now I'm about
to lose my dream.

And you know what?
We're done.

You know what?
We are not done.

I am not a quitter.

I said I would
put your new face on,

so I'm not leaving here
until I do.

Her face is gone.

She's basically
the Phantom of the Channing.

All right,
that's close enough.

And stop calling me spoiled.

Since I lost it all,
I've worked hard.

I've cleaned toilets,
I've killed rats,

I've done everything
I had to to be a success.

Tell her, Max.

♪ I got that
boom boom boom ♪

- ♪ I got that boom--
- Okay, fine. Let's go.

Stop.

Fine, I'll give you
the money.

Not--not just because
you're my niece,

but because you
forced yourself in here

like a pushy businesswoman,
which is--

you shoved your cupcake
down my throat.

That is exactly
what I would have done.

25,000,

signed Char-ity Chan...

Oh, no.

Aunt Charity,
are you all right?

Oh, and she didn't
finish signing it.

Well, it's my last name too,
so...

...ing.

I can't get it out
from under her head.

Pull her hair!
Now's your chance.

Ow.

Bob, I don't feel
you are getting across

my passion about this,
so I'll just sign it.

That check
should have cleared.

That time, you said,
"Your face looks like a butt."

I appreciate how hard you've
tried to stay in business,

but do the smart thing.

Take the money.
Start fresh.

All you have to do
is sign this.

Well,
we will have to discuss it.

- My partner has a be--
- Just sign it.

Good discussion.

Caroline Chan--

Max, a little help.

...ing.

So, as of this moment,

this space is no longer
Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

Congratulations
and good luck.

Well, there goes Joanne
and that deaf lady.

We are keeping the arrow.

I can't believe my aunt would
stop payment on that check.

And I can't believe she'd
show up here after she did.

Aunt Charity,
do you know

what I'm thinking
about you right now?

What? I look 38 or 39,
it's hard to tell?

Oh, don't look so wounded.

You know I had
to stop that check.

You took advantage of someone
in a morphine haze.

If you think that
was being taken advantage of,

you've never blacked out
at a pep rally.

Yes, I stopped that check,
but here.

This seems important to you.

Seemed.

Seemed when I was rich.

Now I have real problems.

Yeah, and where
are them lollipops at?

- You took away my future.
- And my lollipops.

No, Caroline,
I took away my money.

And by forcing you
to find you own way,

I may have given you
a better future.

Cute shop.
Too big, too soon.

You'll figure it out.

Aunt Charity?

You look 42.

We all know I don't.

The shop's over.

Wow, I thought for sure
we'd be a success.

Well,
who says we're not?

I mean,
we had some fun, right?

And we have
a cool-ass red arrow.

And we have this big check,

which is just enough
to pay back Sophie

and everybody else
we owe money to.

That's true.

So in a way,
we're kind of success.

I mean, we did go
from broke to broke even.

We nailed it.

I just wish we
had a clear-cut sign

that letting go of this place
was the right thing to do.

[Car horn blares]

[Both scream]

Ehr mah gerd!

My night-night cocoa cup.

You wanted a sign?
That's your sign!

No matter what hits you,
you'll be okay.

[Mug shatters]

Well, I feel sorry
for whoever owns this dump.

[Cash register bell dings]