2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 17 - And the Broken Hip - full transcript

Max and Caroline pay a high price for attempting to remove a street performer away from the entry to their cupcake shop.

Oh, my God!
We have customers?

What's going on?

Why are there
so many hipsters here?

Are we selling stupid hats
and telling them

they're more talented
than they actually are?

No, that's already a store.
It's called "Fedorable."

You've been working so hard
to get us customers in,

I wanted to contribute
by finding a way

to get in
the neighborhood hipsters.

So... Here's our new flyer.

You made up a new flyer

without talking to me
about it first?

I renamed all the cupcakes
after people from the '90s!

"Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

We've got
all your flavor flavs."

Hipsters love '90s nostalgia
more than they love

pretending not
to love anything.

"Come in and lick a Beavis.

Eat a Butt-head."

The pistachio is now called
the Dennis Rodman

because it's such
a dumbass flavor.

Cute. Wait, what's going on
over there?

Why are all those cupcakes

Those are
the Nancy Kerrigans.

I don't know
if it's in good taste

to make fun
of her personal tragedy.

- I sold eight of them.
- Screw her, you're a genius!

Ooh, ooh,
can I name one?

How 'bout we call the day-olds
the Hugh Hefners?

That's not '90s.

He's in his 90s,
and he's stale and hard.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

Sync & corrections by Alice

Can I get
a Jonathan Taylor Thomas to go

and two of the Spice Girls?

Any one but "Baby."


Dude, you should come
to the '90s trivia contest

every Monday at the Bar Bar.

You could win, like,
big money.

Yeah, and then I could pay
for the lobotomy I'd need

to forget
that I ever participated

in a hipster contest
in a bar.

Cute hat.
You're very talented.

I'm putting this flyer up
in the window.

Oh, look,
there's a street performer

trying to get people to dance
with his marionette

outside our shop.

Uhoh, not cool!

No hipster wants to crump
with a puppet.

See, he just
chased them away.

We'll just ask him to move,
but we have to be nice.

Nice? Nice... Oh, yeah,
that's the thing you are

to the welfare lady
while your mom's in the bedroom

hiding the new TV.

Hi, how are you?
We own this cupcake--

Not while he's dancing.

Oh, I'm sorry, would you
like me to wait?

Oh, this dude's
a serial killer.

Uh... Oh.

Do you want me to...

Yup, total serial killer.

Just a matter of time
till we're hung on strings

in his basement.

And I probably just got
puppet herpes.

Well, I hope
you enjoyed your kiss

with charming Pierre.

Now, if you wouldn't mind...

Oh, Pierre's a prostitute?

It's a little weird for him
to do it out in the open,

but if he can't afford a car,
he can't afford a car.

Oh, you're one of those--
a woman without wonder.

Not true.
In fact, I'm wondering

how you manage
to pay rent.

Okay, could you two
just move along?

I have another show
in five minutes.

That was a show?

Look, you can't do
your little skits here.

She doesn't mean
to be negative.

She's right. I was planning
to be all positive

till your doll
raped her leg.

Pierre is not a doll, okay?
He is a marionette.

Hand-carved by me.
And I don't do "skits," okay?

I received a national endowment
for my work.

What? The government
pays for stuff like this,

and I can't get
my back tooth fixed?

Well, I, for one,
really appreciate

the art of puppetry.

I can tell you do, and...
So can Pierre.

You know, he doesn't
just approach anybody.

I'm Caroline. This is Max.
And you are?

My stage name is
J. Petto.

Oh, so cute. Geppetto,
like Pinocchio's father.

No, it's "J," period,

Disney owns the rights
to the name Geppetto,

so once again, the poor,
starving artist gets screwed!

So sad.
Can you move?

See, this is
our cupcake shop,

and you're blocking
the entrance.

Uh, this is
a public space,

and I know my rights.


I was trying
to be nice,

but you are the rudest puppeteer
I've ever met.

And I'm including
Shari Lewis,

who told my father to shove it
on my fifth birthday!

Let's go, Max.

Hey... Doll man.

You don't want to mess
with us.

I make one call
to the cops,

they do a background check,
and I'm pretty sure you'd go

from "J. Petto"
to "J. Petto-phile."

Miss, I dropped
my David Hasselhoff.

Well, it's not the first time
he's been on the floor.

Hey, you can't talk
to me like that.

I studied puppetry in Paris
at the Palais--


Oh, my God,
he slipped on David Hasselhoff!

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I'm just
a little embarrassed.

Oh, no, no.
I landed on Pierre!


Here, have a seat.

Would either of you like
a coffee or a free cupcake?

No, I'm just gonna
pack up and go. Thank you.

Come back anytime
for a free cupcake.

But no need
to bring your dolls.

They're not dolls!
I'm a man!

It's crazy how many hipsters

came into our shop today
from our new flyers.

We ran completely out of all

the butterfinger Buttafuocos,
the Joeys,

and even the Mary Jos, which
I did not think would sell.

I reworked
the smashed Nancy Kerrigans

and called it
the Mary Jo.

Oh, girls,
I'm so happy for you.

You know, I remember
when my business

first started to take off.

The first thing I did was
to buy the little village

that I grew up in

and then burn it
to the ground!

I was just so angry

they wouldn't let me be
a cheerleader.

No, baby, that was
the movie Carrie.

You fell asleep
watching it last night.

Oh. Yeah, I gotta stop
watching movies late at night.

Once, for a whole year,

I thought I framed
Roger Rabbit.

I'm looking for the owners
of Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

Oh, that's me.
Wow, word is really spreading.

How can I help you?

You've been served.

Max, I just got served.

Did he go after your bangs?
'Cause that's where I'd start.

This is a lawsuit.

It says, "Max's Homemade
Cupcakes is being sued

"for injuries sustained
in our shop by Myron Shales,

a.K.A. 'J. Petto.'"

Max, it's th puppet guy.

He's suing us?

We should be suing him
for gross...

I don't know
what the legal words are

but just for being gross.

We can't afford
to be sued.

We can't even afford the lawyer
on those bus ads

who has a gavel in one hand
and a chicken in the other.

I hope everything
was satisfactory.

Can I get you ladies
anything else...

Like a strong work ethic?

Han, it's not funny.
We're being sued.

Okay, let me see those.

I studied law in Korea,

but I never made it
through graduation.

I realized
it wasn't my passion,

and I pulled out.

Did they know it was in?

Let's see... Uh-huh...

Yeah, you're being sued.

What law school did you go to,
Cal State-the-obvious?

Did you graduate
magna come rarely?

I told you,
I pulled out.

But don't worry,
accidents like this happen

in stores all the time.

That's why all businesses
have insurance.

Well, not all businesses.

How could you not
have insurance?

You need to get protection.

And I'm not talking
about condoms.

We're not idiots, Han.

We had
the insurance discussion.

I was like,
"Max, we need insurance."

And she was like,
"Do we have any money?"

And I was like, "No."
And she was like,

"What are the chances
something will happen?"

And I was like, "A million to one."
And she was like, "I like those odds.

Let's go get gummi bears."
And I was like, "Okay."

But we'll talk about this
at another time."

And here we are
talking about it now.

we have no choice.

We have to get him
to drop this lawsuit.

Okay, 3B, here. This is
the puppet guy's apartment.

You say puppet guy,
I say serial killer.

You say apartment,
I say the brightest dot

on the "Megan's law" website.

Max, that is not charming.
Stay on message.

- We're charming, we're sorry...
- We're drunk. Well, I am.

How else do you think I'm gonna
pull off charming?

Let's just get in and out
of there.

That puppet creeped me out.

I don't want to have
to see it again.

Oh, I am not drunk enough
for this.

I've never been
drunk enough for this.

Is J. Petto home?

I'm kind of surprised.

I did not think
he'd have a girlfriend.


Well, I hope you enjoyed
meeting Yvette.

She plays the lute,
you know.

Oh, yes,
she was very charming.

And small. She must make
your penis look huge.

I'm sorry?

Charming, Max, charming.

Hi, we just stopped by
to bring you some cupcakes.

We feel so bad
about what happened.

Can we come in
for a minute?

Um, well, I wasn't
expecting company,

but come in.

We're all just hangin' out.

Oh, oh, this isn't weird.
This isn't weird at all.

It's like we're
in a dead body car wash.

I had a nightmare that I had
a nightmare like this once.

Just so you know,

I'm not allowed to talk
about the lawsuit.

Well, I'm not
allowed to talk

about how I really feel
right now.

Speaking of the lawsuit,
you seem well--

you know, physically--
which is great,

because the suit said
you had a shattered arm

and a broken hip.

Oh, yeah,
I'm not suing you

for my shattered arm
and hip.

it's for Pierre's.

I crushed his little body
when I fell.

He must have thrown himself
under my body

to protect my fall.

Dexter, party of one.

I have to rotate his arm
and hold it every 15 minutes

to get his full range
of motion back.

That's what the sling's about.
I know he's not alive.

Do you?

We're very sorry
for his injury,

but this is absurd.

You can't sue us
because your puppet broke.

Yes, I can.
This puppet is my livelihood,

and he's heavily insured.

Great, the puppet has
insurance, and we don't.

- Max!
- What?

You don't have insurance?

You have a business
but no insurance?

Look, we can't go to court.
It would wreck us.

Can we leave the lawyers
out of this

and come up
with a more creative solution?

I mean,
you're clearly creative.

Look, you even made
a skeleton king.

That's not
a skeleton king.

That's Pazuzu,
prince of darkness.

Let me just
put this out there

because we should really
move things along,

and also, I'm afraid.

How much is it gonna take
to make this go away?

Do you want to take
a second to consult

with one of your roommates?

I think I saw
a lawyer doll.

He is not a lawyer.
He is a maitre d'.

And a damn good one!

You women
just don't get it.

This is why I broke up
with my Toronto-based girlfriend

over Skype.


$1,000 by Monday.

But if she makes
another comment

about my intricate, hand-carved
marionettes being dolls...

It goes up.

Fine, $1,000
and no strings.

- Except for the ones on all--
- Max, don't say it!

Valley Of The Dolls,
Return To The Valley Of The Dolls,

Chucky, Bride Of Chucky,
Hello Dolly, Dollywood,

and the Dalai Lama!

Those are the things
I was holding in.

Oh, wait--
Doll and Oates!

Now what? How are we gonna get
1,000 extra dollars by Monday?

Wait, Max, we can go
to that bar

and exploit
your special gifts.

If I have to strip,
I have to strip.

Not that kind of bar,
the hipster trivia bar.

Can't I just strip?

At least I'd still have
my dignity.

It's all here. $1,000.

So that's it.
No more lawsuit.

Actually, that's not it.

As it turns out,
we're gonna need 500 more.

For what? Did your dues
for the serial killer's union

and the pedophile guild come up
at the same time this year?

Pierre's in crisis!

But his psychiatrist could
tell you more about that.

If there's a psychiatrist
in this apartment

who hasn't locked him up,
I don't trust his opinion.

I'm Dr. Pangloss.

Pierre broke more than his hip
in your cupcake shop.

He broke his spirit.

He lost his dream!

He no longer wants
to perform.

This is
where he cuts us in half

and sews my top
to your bottom.

On the plus side,
we'd look amazing.

Yeah, well, you heard it.

Pierre's ready
to give up his art,

and he needs
a little more money.

Forget it, puppet nuts.
We don't have $500.

We don't have 500 anything.

Well, think about it.

That's my tea kettle.

Uhh! I'll do it.

I'm not so sure the hostility
is quite working,

so why don't you
go wait in the hall?

And I'll try to talk
some sense into him alone.

You are the only person
in the world

who would insist
on being alone with this man,

but okay.

Please just listen.
We are broke.

To get any more money,
we'd have to strip.

Well, Gigi and Lana
started off as strippers,

and now they're
in the Folies Bergere, so...

You know, even
for a middle-aged puppeteer,

you're a freak.

See you in court!

He's gonna sue us,

and we have no other tricks
up our sleeve.

Well, maybe not my sleeve,
but how about my coat?

- Pierre?
- Right there.

I'm sorry,
we're not open today.

I know you took him.
Give me back Pierre!

We're not open.

We've had
a terrible tragedy.

Well, not us,
but a new friend of ours

had a gruesome accident,
and we are just devastated.

You wouldn't be
that cruel.

Relax, I could never be
that cruel.

But Max could.

Well, well, well.

Look who it is, Pierre,
your lover, J. Petto!

He's not gay.

He had a girlfriend
named Lulu.

She was a--she was a courtesan
in the court of a French king.

They broke up
over a brief flirtation she had

with Yvette.

And I know
they're not alive!

Now, what do you say we stick
to the original no-strings deal?

'Cause if you don't,
Max will show you

what "no strings"
really means.

Do it! Go!
Bring it!

I can always re-string him.
I'm a master of my craft.

Yes, we thought
you'd say that.

So you leave us no choice.

What? I--

I'm not changing my mind.

And I'm coming back
with the police.

Oh, I wouldn't get
the cops involved...

Now that your boy here
is in a...

Compromising situation!

How dare you!

And she does not like
the feel of a condom!

You two are sick!

Hey, we don't judge.

We think whatever
two consenting dolls,

or maybe three
consenting dolls do--

and it's gonna be bad

'cause he's a grower,
not a shower.

And once a few of these pics
are posted online,

there goes your children's
party business.

Now, call it quits,
and you can delete these pics.

Fine. Yes. Okay, you win.
You win. You win.

Oh, we're not falling
for your word again.

If you want
your doll back--

For the last time,
he is not a doll!

Bring us
a notarized letter saying

you release
Max's Homemade Cupcakes

of all further legal action,

and we'll give you back Pierre,
perfectly intact.

Minus his virginity,
of course.

But don't worry,
you'll still have yours.

Okay, I'll be back
as soon as I can.

Ugh, 30 years in
the cutthroat world of puppets,

and I'm undone
by two crazy cupcake bitches!

Did you hear that?
30 years?

30 years of following his dream,
and he's still broke?

Is that gonna be us, Max?

Is our dream just as stupid
as puppets?

Sorry, Pierre,
I forgot you were here.

He's sound asleep.

Three-ways really
take it out of you.

Here, dress her.
She has to get a cab.

She'd rather sleep
in her own bed.

And do you know why we're
not gonna turn into him?

Because 30 years ago,
when J. Petto said,

"I'm gonna be
a puppeteer,"

he didn't have a best friend
to tell him,

"You shouldn't do that.
It's a stupid idea."

And unlike him,
you have me to tell you

when it's a stupid idea.

And I have you to tell me
not to mace myself,

no matter how bad
I want to know how it feels.

So the cupcake shop
isn't a stupid idea?

No. And it's actually starting
to take off.

'Cause no one embraces
a stupid idea like a hipster.

But, Max,
we do need insurance.

- But do we have the money?
- No.

What are the chances
someone else is gonna fall?

A million to one.

I like those odds.

You know, this is
a really cute dress.

Forget the dress.

Look at his cute pants.

We really should give them
to Han.

Sync & corrections by Alice