2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 19 - And the Temporary Distraction - full transcript

What's up, peanut?

Max, I'm not paying you
to just stand there.

Well, you're not paying me
to eat as many French fries

as I can before the plate
leaves the kitchen,

but I do that too.

Go wait
on that pretty girl.

Oh, wait.
Is she a boy?

She looks a little
like a pretty boy.

She's probably looking at you
and thinking the same thing.

But are you attracted
to the girl she is

or the boy
she appears to be?

You're confused,
aren't you, Han?

Yes, my mind
tells me one thing,

but my body tells me
something else.

Max, go on break.
I've got the booth.

Oh, no.
You can't wait on her.

That's Tina, a lesbian
who turns straight girls.

I call her
"Tina the Turner."

Practically
every heterosexual woman

in Williamsburg
has hooked up with her.

Max, everyone?

Not me.
Who do you think turned her?

But you won't be able
to resist her charm. Trust me.

That's nonsense. I'm very
comfortable with my sexuality.

I once texted "yes"
to Mr. Chaz Bono

on Dancing With The Stars.

Okay, good luck.

Just don't let me catch you guys
making out on the table.

Or do.
It's a free country.

Hi, are you ready
to order?

Sure. I love your hair,
by the way.

Earl, Caroline's about
to fall in love with a lesbian.

Well, color me
"I saw that one coming."

How'd it go?

Fine,
she complimented my hair,

she ordered a soup,
I gave her my number.

I gave her my number?

Okay,
hit the showers.

That's what I get
for sending a straight woman

to do an emotionally dead
woman's job.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

It was so nice
to wake up this morning

without the stress
of owning our cupcake business.

The only decision
I have to make today is:

Do I change my underwear
or just turn these inside out?

Four years ago, I was hit
with a similar conundrum:

"Do I buy underwear
or do I buy beer?"

I've been free-balling it
ever since.

Max, what are you doing?
What's happening over there?

Oh, you mean the arrow
from the shop?

I put it on so you'd know

where the insults
were coming from.

I'm talking
about the cupcakes.

Our cupcake shop is gone.

Why are you still
making those things?

It's the only constant
in my life,

and the routine distracts me
from the relentless darkness

that lurks in every corner
of my thoughts.

Besides, we still need
to sell these at the diner

to make extra money.

Well, you can do it.
I'm not speaking to them.

They totally led me on.

Those cupcakes
were a tease.

Well, I want to pay rent
this month.

And then again next month,
and so on and so on

until the exquisite release
of death.

Oh, rent. Here we go again.
Does that bitch ever stop?

If that's death,
it's for me.

Tell him to honk
and I'll be right out.

Morning, Chestnut.

Oh, what is it
about those big, beautiful eyes

that makes everything
feel better.

I guess
I just have a warmth.

Oh, you mean the horse.

Is this still good?

It is not.

Eh, like I have a choice.

Wow, that was
a blast from the past--

my old temp agency.

Flu's got their staff laid up.
They need bodies.

Wanna do it? I bet
they'll let us temp together.

You think? You think
they'd let us temp together?

Oh, God.
Last week,

I owned a cupcake business,
now I'm temping.

Why don't I just ask Chestnut
to kick me in the head?

He won't do it.
I've asked him like seven times.

Look, we've both casually
fantasized about our deaths

within ten minutes
of waking up,

so maybe we should do something
to distract us.

And Xeroxing
will make us feel whole?

Let me tell you
something.

When you're photocopying
your ass on a Xerox machine,

you are never more alive.

Hello, old friend.

Here it is,
my temping blazer.

Ahh, you can still smell
the "No way out."

Why is that in a bucket?

'Cause I don't want
to accidentally wear it.

Well, is there a pantsuit
in the oven I could wear?

It doesn't matter
what you wear--you're a temp.

They'll be impressed
if you don't poop your pants.

And even if you do,
not a deal breaker.

All right, I'll go,

but if we're temping
to make our rent,

that's the last batch
of those.

I don't want to see, hear, or
think any more about cupcakes.

Ding dong,
the cupcake's calling.

We found the cupcake costumes
from your store

out near the dumpster.

Are you guys drunk?

Yes!

Yeah, we've been out clubbing
all night.

Oh, I just swallowed
one of my balls.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, now, you know
how I feel.

I threw those costumes away
on purpose.

Max and I are no longer
making cupcakes.

What'd you say?

Cupcakes are a waste
of time and money.

You take that back
right now!

No, you don't--

You're lucky

that I have a giant cake
holding me back right now.

Fifth floor,
end of dreams.

Oh, yeah,
I worked here before.

You know the toaster oven
in our kitchen?

It came from here.

Hi. Caroline Channing,
reporting for my first day.

I went ahead
and printed out my address,

Social Security number,
and other important information

to make your life
easier.

Hey, I'm temp number two.
Where your bathroom at?

I'll get Eli.
He's my boss.

Sign these stating that
if you're injured on the job,

it's not our fault.

How would we injure ourselves
in an office?

Let me just give you
a "for instance."

Some girl, let's say
her name is Sarah,

is walking
through the office

with her number 2 pencil
facing up-ways.

Well, she trips
over her shoes and falls,

and that number 2 pencil
goes right through her eyeball

and into her brain.

And now she's gotta eat
applesauce through a straw

the rest of her life.

See, that's not our fault,
that's her fault,

as per
the judge's decision

in Sarah Drake
vs. Westship insurance.

Sign those.
I'll get Eli.

Thank you. I'm sorry,
I didn't get your name.

That's 'cause
I didn't give it to you.

What are you doing? You never
give anybody your real name.

That way, when you make
your little data entry mistake,

they can't
track the real you down.

You didn't see me
at the Enron trial, did you?

And that light in your eyes?
Dim it down, way down.

Show me.

Wow. That's actually
really good. How'd you do that?

- I thought about our future.
- Great!

Eli's in a meeting,

but you gotta watch
this sexual harassment video.

Watching a video
seems like a waste of time

when we could be doing
something more productive.

A waste of time? Let me
just give you a "for instance."

There's this
Dominican guy,

he's installing a new water jug
in the office,

and he looks at one of
the female employees and says,

"Speaking of jugs,"
and then he reaches up

and cups
the employee's breastesses

then starts twisting
on the nips and what have you.

Now, how do you handle
a situation like that?

That's actually how
my longest relationship started.

I'd love to give you
that promotion, Beverly,

but first, you'll have
to do something... for me.

Don't do it, Beverly!
Don't do it!

Spoiler alert. I've watched this
in here before,

and it does not end well
for Beverly.

Well,
not to blame the victim,

but who wears a black bra
to work?

These shelves
would be so much better

if they were alphabetized
and color-coordinated.

Forget that cabinet and look
at the top shelf on Beverly.

I'm a little jelly.

That's right, Beverly.

Now, bend down
and pick up that file.

Oh, Doug,
you're up to your old tricks,

and she falls for it
every time.

Let's pause here
and write down these rules

we've learned
from Beverly and Doug.

Oh, I love
the smell in here.

Reminds me of interning
on Wall Street,

you know, minus the dignity
and the future.

But why would the paper products
be near the toner cartridges?

Whoever organized
this place

must have been stupid
or lazy or both.

Aboth.

Forget
all that shelf stuff.

You are not here
to improve office layout,

you're here to keep quiet,
pretend like you're working,

and steal
five to ten vitamin waters

from the break room
at the end of each day.

Hey.

Are you watching dirty videos
in here and didn't invite me?

They're making
harassment videos in 3-D now?

I was looking
for the new temps,

but I think I wandered
into a beauty pageant.

Uh, the votes are in.
It's a tie.

I'm Eli Green,
the office manager.

You must be our new temps.

I'm Caroline Channing.

And I'm Carmen... Sandiego.

No relation.

Oh, my God,
this is great!

The cat's
eating the dog's food.

The dog's just like,
"Wha-a-at?"

Yo, psst. "Cat eats dog food."
YouTube it now.

Kinda busy with my work.

It's called "Minimum Wage"

'cause you're supposed to do
the minimum.

Mmm. Coffee tastes
so much better

when it's from today
and you haven't paid for it.

The dog's just like, "Wha-a-at""

classic.

You like that video?
Look up "Cat vs. Toddler."

You're welcome.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this a modeling agency?

Did I get off
on the wrong floor?

I don't care where you get off
as long as it's not here.

Hi, Eli. So any idea
when they'll decide

who's getting the junior
executive promotion, or--

Not yet, but I did
just mention your name

- to the big guys, Ryan.
- I'm Leon.

Hey, Caroline.

Hi. Question:
I already finished

the first quarter
claim reports...

Are you doping?
We need to stretch this out.

And since I had time,
I took the liberty

of reformatting
the expense template,

so what would you like me
to do now, Eli?

Say my name,
say my name.

Hey, Caroline,
you're not just hot,

you're on fire over there.
You should be throwing your hat

in the ring
for that executive job.

Really?

And this girl's just like,
"Wha-a-at?"

That temp place
is soul-sucking,

and I didn't even know
I had a soul to suck.

If that's a suicide note,
just add my name to the end.

Come on,
it's not that bad,

and I got four free
fresh coffee drinks,

and one had
a caramel drizzle.

Caramel drizzle?

That's definitely my name
at my next temp job.

I don't know
if this is such a temp job.

I'm filling out
this application

to apply for that
junior executive position.

Oh, no, you're not.

We're only going back
one more time

to get enough Wite-Out

to do the Kim Kardashian
white manicure.

Max, you saw me there today.
I'm good at this,

and it felt amazing
to be working somewhere

where my skills are valued
and supported.

Oh! Are you not feeling
supported here?

I'm sorry,
I'm a boss, not a bra.

Should I praise you more?
Really killing it

with the leaning on the counter
doing nothing.

Kudos, Caroline.
Huzzah.

Hey,
where's my "huzzah"?

I was standing around
doing nothing too.

And don't forget
about me.

I was sitting around
doing nothing.

In Korea, you all would be
left on the curb

and taken away
with the garbage.

Is that how
you got to America, Han?

Earl, Caroline's
being an idiot.

Oh, are we doing this
in front of her now?

Hey, would you still
apply for that job

if I told you we sold out of
the cupcakes tonight?

Last one.

Oh, so what,
they're good one day

and you want me
to take them back?

Who am I,
Robert Pattinson?

So you just cut lil' coconut
here out of your life?

That's cold.

Max, this job
offers medical benefits.

There are doctors
who don't have medical benefits.

And financial security.
Maybe I want to wake up

every morning
not wanting to kill myself.

Well, that's weird,
but whatever.

I went to Wharton.

Pay attention,
everyone.

I know you're all
very busy working hard--

Congratulations,

- you've just won a free iPad.
- What the-I don't know--

Attention, everyone!

While doing work
and nothing but work,

I may have downloaded
a virus that meows,

so be on the lookout.

Carry on, Eli.

Thank you, Carmen.

Happy to say,
tenth floor

has finally picked
our new junior exec,

and that person
is sitting right here.

- Yes!
- No, Caroline.

- Yes!
- No!

Champagne on me!

Yes!

Here, I got us a fresh bottle,
'cause I'm the boss.

Miss Black,
would you pop that cork for me?

I'd be happy to,
Miss Channing, you bitch.

Ooh!

Okay.

Okay, okay, now
I'm gonna make a proper toast.

I don't know how.

Their toaster oven's
in our kitchen.

To Max--I promise
not to sexually harass you

no matter how much I'm
required to as your superior.

To Caroline--
I cannot promise the same thing,

'cause sister, you fine.

Oh, crap! I spilled champagne
on my good bucket blazer.

Yes, right there
on your breasts, Beverly.

I'm doing Doug from
the sexual harassment video.

The Doug?
Love your harassment work!

Especially that sad H.R. scene
where you get fired and cry

but still manage
to touch yourself a little.

Wow, Beverly,

your breasts are so big,
I might need the whole box.

That's enough. You're making
this rag feel even dirtier.

- Hey, hand me that.
- What?

- My new Westship Company poncho?
- Yep.

Now it's my booze bib.

Oh, I love this.

Somehow it's small enough
to fit in your purse,

but large enough
to sleep under

during an
"Occupy Wall Street"-type situation.

Max, I'm pouring you
more champagne

because
I have something

really exciting
I want to tell you.

I talked to Eli
about hiring you full-time.

You are now a junior executive's
executive assistant!

I will knock you
to the ground!

Max, think about it.
It comes with health care.

You wouldn't have to decide
between birth control pills

and morning-after pills.

Are you trying to take away
a woman's right to choose?

Come on,
it could be so fun.

Coming to work together,
getting free coffee--

the good kind,
the blended kind--

not to mention
Xeroxing our asses

and feeling more alive
than ever.

Watch, I'll show you
what a fun boss I can be.

Let's Xerox our asses.

Well, how could I say no
to copying my butt?

The only thing better
than one of my butts

is two of my butts.

- I'll go first.
- Too late!

Do you want legal size paper
or three-hole punch?

Three-hole punch? That's how
my longest relationship ended.

Ready, you corporate sell-out.
Fry me.

Hey,
why is it still flashing?

Whoops! I put in 100 copies
instead of one.

Don't worry about it, we'll
use them as Christmas cards.

See? That's why
I need an assistant.

Thanks, but I'm not gonna take
this stupid corporate job.

I'm gonna stick with cupcakes,
even though you just quit.

I didn't quit
the cupcake business.

If you remember,
it quit us.

At least
this job makes sense.

You get a regular paycheck,
benefits.

You don't spend
two whole years of your life

giving it everything,

and then walk away
feeling like a failure.

Get off that now.
I'm worried

you're giving yourself
butt cancer.

Wait,
you think you're a failure?

'Cause I think
we did amazing.

The shop closed, Max.
Our dream blew up in our face.

Lots of things
blow up in your face.

It's part
of being a woman.

You just...
Towel off and keep going.

You're really
going to do this?

This was just supposed to be
a temporary distraction

till we got back
to the cupcake thing.

No, Max.
Cupcakes were the temp job.

No, cupcakes
were our dream.

Well, I was wrong.

Maybe it's better
not to have a dream.

Good morning, everyone.

Eli, they said
you wanted to see me in here?

Ms. Channing, my name
is Michelle Yi, I'm with H.R.

Aw! Is this
my official welcome?

Oh, hello.

Well, here, I brought

some first-day bagels
and plain cream cheese.

Sometimes chives can be
a little breathy, am I right?

Is this the woman
who sexually harassed you?

Yup, that's her.

Oh, good one!
Really funny.

Me harassing you?

Come on,
you're not even my type.

Caroline,
this isn't a joke.

Trust me, I've been through
four of these.

Wait,
what's going on?

Ms. Channing, please
don't address Carmen directly.

- Max.
- "Max"?

Is that a pet name
she has for you, Carmen?

Yes. She also calls me
"Caramel Drizzle."

Can you tell me
what exactly happened

with Ms. Channing
last night?

She fondled my breasts.

Ms. Yi,
it's not how it sounds.

We were drinking, and I was
pretending to be a man.

"Drinking."
"Pretending to be a man."

Don't write that down.
Don't write that down.

And Carmen,
when Ms. Channing touched you,

how did that make you feel?

Dirty.

Dirty and underpaid.

She felt dirty?

Come on, Ms. Yi,
you don't know her.

She's the dirty girl.
She is a dirty, dirty girl.

And does that
turn you on?

No! It's almost impossible
to turn me on.

Oh, good.
Now I don't feel so bad.

Trust me,
she's making this stuff up.

I'm sorry, Ms. Channing.

We're gonna have to terminate
your employment.

This is outrageous!
Nothing she said ever happened.

Then how do you
explain this?

That is a copy
from a Xerox machine

badly in need of toner,
which is just one

of the many oversights
that would not have continued

had I been made
an executive here. Good day.

I don't know
what she's talking about.

That butt
couldn't be any toner.

Write that down,
write that down.

Can I get a peek
at that?

How are you tonight,
Caroline?

Angry, frustrated,
humiliated.

Just another Tuesday
at the diner.

Hello, Carmen.
Or is it "Caramel Drizzle?"

Just so you know,

that stunt will go
on my professional work record.

Oh, please.
This diner's

on your professional
work record.

And your record's clean.
Eli expunged it

because I gave him
a couple of my ass Xeroxes.

He's laminating them
and using them as place mats.

My idea.

For what, Max?
Why'd you get me fired?

Why'd I get you fired?

Well, let me give you
a "for instance."

I once knew this girl
who was so used to not failing

that the first time
she did,

she got so scared,
she forgot who she was

and tried to be
somebody else,

and then she touched
my breastesses.

Look, it's cool
if you don't

want to join in
on the cupcake dream,

but at least wait
till you find another.

Don't hop on the first one
that comes along.

It's a dream,
not a man.

See?
You are a dirty girl.

I'm a dirty, dirty girl.

Hey, cupcake quitters.

Look, do you see
what you've driven me to?

Supermarket cakes.

Sophie, you don't need
to eat those.

You can have one of ours.

Max's Homemade Cupcakes
is back in business.

It would be cruel
to kid me.

Nope. We're doing it
differently this time.

We are? How?

I have no idea.

But for starters,

you're my new junior executive
executive's assistant.

I will knock you
to the ground.

Mmm. Ohh. Yeah.

Well, Mama happy now.