2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 13 - And the Bear Truth - full transcript

Mm!

I like the lemon.

So good.

And with
the vanilla frosting,

it would make a lovely
cupcake wedding cake.

Mm.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!

The chocolate!

You do realize
you're not alone, right?

I know.
I'm gonna get some water,

and then I'll be back
to taste everything!

There's no wedding.

- What?
- It's a scam.

I know her game.

There isn't a Denny's
on the Eastern Seaboard

I haven't hit up
and said it's my birthday

for a free sundae.

Well, what if you're wrong,

and she is the real deal?

A cupcake wedding cake
could be a lot of money.

We have to crack her B.S.

Before she eats our cupcakes,
and then us.

Follow my lead.

Oh! What are we tasting now?

Coconut.

- What's your fiance's name?
- Doug Franklin.

- Where'd you meet?
- He's a fireman.

- He rescued my cat.
- Aw.

No "aw."
That's an insurance commercial.

- So where's the wedding?
- Barefoot on the beach.

That's a tampon commercial.

Ooh! Hi, baby!

Max, you're wrong.
They're kissing.

Nope, he's either
an out-of-work actor she hired,

or he has cake in his mouth.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

I have an announcement
to make.

You found your first
"down there" hair?

No, it's the last chance
to put in your business card

to win a luxury
weekend vacation.

It's Han's big promo.

Well, he's finally
announced it.

Han's a big promo.

Well, he's a little promo.

Good luck,
you now have a chance

to win a fancy two-room suite
in the country,

and there's a fireplace
because Daddy don't skimp.

Aw, I miss our fireplace
in the country.

My father and I
would sit together,

and I'd roast marshmallows,
and then he'd burn

what I now realize must've been
incriminating documents.

Hi, everybody!
The raffle girl is here.

Oh, I get to pull
the winner!

She pulled me twice today,

and I won both times.

Sophie, the way you
look tonight,

we are all winners.

Oh, Earl,
that is so sweet.

I would kiss you
if it was legal.

All right, I'm going
to put in one

of my cleaning company cards.

All right.

Who's gonna be the winner?

Yeah, yeah, shake it
like a Polaroid picture, baby.

Yeah.
Oh.

Oh, no, that doesn't feel
like my card.

Sophie, that's cheating.

Hey, keep out of it,
Glinda the good bitch.

And the winner is...

Max's Homemade Cupcakes?

Oh, my God!
We won!

Congratulations!

I've never won anything
in my life!

Except for that time
I got stoned

and accidentally won
that hot dog eating contest.

Wait, how
did this even happen?

Did you put our card in?

Actually,
I put your card in,

and I took a few out.

I figured you girls
could use a vacation.

You girls been working harder

than my liver
on payday.

Oh, Earl,
you're like Santa

without the weird fixation
on children.

It was so nice of Earl
to enter us.

Oh, stop.
He's like my father.

Wow, this place
actually looks nice.

Ooh, an outhouse!

- Max, that's a sauna.
- Oh.

Either way,
I'm peeing in it.

But Max,
can we leave the shop?

I mean, even though business
has been slow,

what if Dottie
wants to come back

and order cupcakes
for her wedding?

First off,
she ate them all.

Second, there
is no wedding.

She's a B.S. Bride.

I guarantee you,
right now,

she's crawling
through an air-conditioning vent

at a Krispy Kreme.

Andy in the house!

Sorry, I was watching
a Living Single marathon

before I came over.

You are not
gonna believe this.

We won a weekend getaway.

Isn't that exciting?
We really needed this.

That's great!

We do need this.
Thanks, babe.

And I was hoping to get
a little special one-on-one time

with you this weekend.

So when do we leave?

Oh, we!

We can leave tomorrow.

We--we--we
all the way there.

Look, Han said it
was a two-room suite.

Andy can come with us.

It's still our trip.

He doesn't have to know
he's the third wheel.

Well, you know
I'm always a fan of lying,

so I'm in.

It's still our trip.

She doesn't have to know
she's the third wheel.

Well, you know
I'm not a fan of lying,

but okay, I'm in.

I love a road trip.

My mom and I
took one in third grade

for, like, a year, but we'd
just drive around locally and--

Oh, my God,
I lived in a car.

Hey, let's play
a card game.

I spy something red.

Is it that gas station?

Nope.

- Is it that truck?
- Nope.

Is it boring? Yes!
My turn.

I spy something annoying.

- Is it me?
- Yes!

I knew the joke
was on me,

but I love to win.

You are not annoying.
You're adorable.

I spy a big man-gina.

- Is it me?
- Yes!

I like to win too.

Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

Hello?

Bad cell area.

Max, I think that might've been
Dottie, the B.S. Bride.

I couldn't hear the words,

but she sounded
unnaturally confident.

Maybe the B.S.
stands for "big sale."

No more business calls,
okay?

I thought we
were getting away for fun.

We are, but our business

is nowhere near
where we need it to be,

and when it comes
to ignoring a call,

it's kind of hard.

Hey, you know what this area
of the mountains is known for?

Wineries and incest?

Alien abductions!

I know all about it.

People disappear from here
all the time.

Max, there's no such thing
as an extraterrestrial.

Okay, first, that's something
an extraterrestrial would say.

I've always wanted
to be abducted.

And my guidance counselor
said I had no goals.

And here we go.

Again,
I don't believe in names,

but feel free to call me
"Roger" if it helps you.

Get out!
Get out!

The bed floats!
This is awesome!

Usually, you gotta
bring the ropes to the bed.

This way, you get
to eliminate a whole step!

The bed's sculptural beauty

is actually surpassed
by the joy of resting in it.

Some say it's like
being rocked to sleep

in the arms of God.

It's a sex bed, Roger.

May I light the fire
for you?

Oh, no, thanks.
I can do it.

I was an Eagle Scout.

Man, there's just
not enough occasions

where I can brag
about that.

The room is cute,
but really tiny.

We're gonna need
a bigger space,

unless we're Hobbits.

Is this the door
to the adjoining room?

Well, that
is an adjoining room,

but it's not included
in your package.

Oh, damn it!

We should've known
Han's package

was gonna be smaller
than he said it is.

I'm sorry.
All the other cabins are booked.

I'll bring you some bedding
for the couch

at an additional price.

Ohm Shanti.

Well, I guess you guys

are the couple,
so I'll sleep on the couch.

I can sleep anywhere.

First two years
of my life,

my bed was a pile
of unopened mail.

A big, roaring fire

is gonna be so romantic.

Come over here
closer to me,

you big Eagle Scout.

Well, now you sound
like my Scoutmaster.

Hey, don't start anything
you can't finish in a minute.

Max'll be right out.

Something tells me she's
not a consistent hand-washer.

You do your thing.

I'm just
gonna sit right here,

and watch my man
build a fire.

Oh, great,
this is cedar!

It's gonna
smell so awesome.

I love falling asleep
to the sound of a fire.

Oh, my God.

I know,
no business stuff,

but I just got a text
about a big order.

That's fine,
just remember this weekend--

Oh, I know,
me and you.

Me and you,
me and you--

Max! Max.

Turns out the B.S. Bride
isn't B.S.

She wants pricing
on a wedding cupcake cake,

and a groom's cupcake cake,
for 300 guests.

Great!

Almost as great
as these little fuzzy shoes!

They were
in a sealed plastic package.

I'm the first one
to ever open them.

They're like condoms
for your feet!

♪ New shoes, new shoes ♪

Where are you going?

To the sauna.

Hopefully, I'll be abducted
on my way,

but know
that even though I'm gone,

I'm happier up there
with my alien lover.

True, they don't have lips,

but they
do have crazy-long fingers.

I'll go with you.

Not to talk about work,

but she can't go alone.
There might be bears.

There were always bears
at my chalet in Aspen,

in the woods,
lying on the floors, everywhere.

You know, until PETA
attacked the house.

So this is a fancy sauna?

Not impressed.

People pay
for the privilege

of sitting in decades
of ass sweat?

How come your towel's
staying up

so much better
than mine?

I can think
of two reasons.

I'm gonna get some water,
and then start peeing.

When you come back,
we have to discuss

the B.S. Bride's cake.

We can't screw this up.
It's all we have.

This heat is amazing.

Mother of God!
That's hot.

There are bears out there.

- They're coming this way.
- What?

Max, get in here!
Close the door!

Fine, but they'll just open it
and come in.

Bears can't open doors
and walk in.

These ones can.

Hey, girls.
You mind if we join you?

You guys
are gay bears, right?

- Max!
- It's cool.

My prom date is big
in the bear scene now,

but in high school,
they just called him a jock

who cried sometimes.

Yep, we're bears.
Big, hairy, not scary.

I'm Deke.
This is Dirk.

Yup, we're Deke and Dirk.

Pause for reaction.

I'm Caroline,
and this is Max.

Are you girls
lipstick lesbians?

No, we're just friends,

and we can't
afford lipstick.

Especially at this gift shop.

Have you seen the prices?

$25 for chap stick?

Please.
No one's lips are that chapped.

And he would know.

This one's the king
of face creaming.

A little bit dirtier
than what it is.

I'm actually a dermatologist.

Oh, my God.

Do not tell me
I'm lucky enough

to be in a sauna
with two dermatologists.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm an astrophysicist.

Oh, smarter
than the average bear.

- Loving her.
- Mm-hmm.

So you know about
space stuff, smarty bear.

Do you believe in aliens?

Oh, I do, and I believe
they're living among us.

I'm looking at you,
Christina Ricci!

So talk to me, Deke.
What can you give me?

He has plenty of free cream samples
back in our room.

And it's the good stuff.
You should come by!

We're in cabin four.

No way!
We're in cabin three.

Ah!

How about those rope beds?

You know it's kinky
when the bed is already tied up.

First, we were all
"um, we're gonna fall,"

but then we thought,
"what the hell?

It's our man-iversary."

Aw, you're married?

Happy anniversary.

Now, let's get back
to those free creams.

Oh, and here's our card

if you're ever
in the neighborhood

or need a big order.

You brought a business card
to a sauna?

I don't wanna know
where you kept that.

- Max's Homemade Cupcakes.
- Mm.

Or in your case,
cub-cakes.

- Loving her.
- Living for her.

Wanna come back as her.

There you go,
your dinner for two.

Two soups, two salads,
two entrees, two desserts.

I hope you three enjoy.

Maybe could we
order another meal?

No problem,
just call.

Extra charge,
of course.

Ohm Shanti.

Ohm Shanti means "screw you"
in yoga, right?

I am so starving.

Oh, my God,
this looks amazing!

Oh, and the bread
is still warm!

And there's one of those
crazy-ass pretzel rolls.

Is it a pretzel?
Is it a roll?

No idea, it's crazy.

Max, put some
of this butter on it.

Try and stop me, bitch!

Here, take half.
Thanks!

Mm.

Yo.

Oh, my God, Andy!
I totally forgot.

Not about you.
I forgot my manners.

If my Danish governess
were here,

she would hit me
with her wooden spoon.

I'm so sorry.

Go, sit.
You eat.

Enjoy the pretzel roll.

It's gone.
You snooze, you lose.

No, you sit.
I'm good.

I'll order more food.

No, sit!
Sit.

I'm the bad one.

This soup is "duh-mazing."

Just a word I made up

for when something's
so amazing, you're stunned,

and all you can say
is "duh."

Duh-mazing.

Yes, I'd like
to order anoth--

Yes, I'll hold.

I think the hold music
is just Roger singing.

Okay, hang up the phone.

Go sit and eat.
Come on.

Hurry before Max
eats the table.

No, you eat.

After all,
it's our special weekend.

I want you to enjoy it.

Well, okay,

but only because
it's a special occasion.

Good!

I'm gonna go take
a hot shower.

Besides, it's always better
to make love

on an empty stomach.

That must be why there
are so many people in India.

Max, I got a favor
to ask you.

Do you think you can go visit
your bear friends next door,

maybe give us
some private time?

It'll be your birthday gift
to me.

Oh!

It would be
my birthday gift to you

because it's your birthday.

Yeah, just
for, like, two hours.

Okay, one hour.

I'll skip the foreplay,

and that'll be
my birthday gift to myself.

Cool, then I'll just
go do that, then.

I mean, Caroline
went to all this trouble

to get you a trip
for your birthday, I assume.

I know,

and I was really looking forward
to some birthday sex

since we haven't really
connected that way

since the shop started
giving you guys so much trouble.

But the shop's been
in trouble for weeks.

Yeah, so maybe I'll only need,
like, a half hour with her.

I need my book.
I'm gonna take a bath instead.

That tub is so amazing.

I'm just
gonna soak in it

and blissfully
forget all my problems.

As well
as some other things.

Max is gonna go visit
Yogi and Boo Boo next door

and give us some private time.

She can't do that.

It's their man-iversary.

They need their private time.

Yes, but you guys

are celebrating
a special thing, too.

What?
What are we celebrating?

Andy's birthday.
Oh, damn it!

Now, I went and spoiled
all the special sexual things

you had planned for him.

Damn it, Max!

Now, you did
give it all away.

We were gonna do missionary,

and...

...the other one.

Okay.

Okay, I'm sorry.
I forgot.

I don't know how.
I knew today was your birthday.

It's tomorrow.

So yippee!

She hasn't missed it.

All's right with the world.

I'm gonna go visit
the berenstains.

This weekend wasn't
about my birthday, was it?

Come on, come on.

Get your hand out
of his honeypot

and get over here.

I'll be gone
in a second,

and then you guys can
jump-start your sex life again.

What do you mean
"jump-start"?

How could you tell Max

that we haven't had sex?

You haven't even
discussed that with me.

Come on, aliens.

If you're ever going
to abduct me,

this would be the time.

Don't take the attention
off the fact

that you
forgot my birthday.

Oh, God,
I wish I was a cartoon,

so I could run
right through this door,

and leave behind
a body-shaped hole.

- Oh, hey, Max.
- Hey.

Mind if I hibernate
for a minute?

Oh, sure,
come on in.

We were just gonna eat
and then dye our chest hair.

Close that damn door now.

Thanks, it was just getting
a little tense in there.

- She forgot his birthday.
- Mm, ouch.

Well, he forgot mine once,

and now
it's his ankle tattoo.

Max, please,
I insist.

You don't have
to ask me twice.

You gonna
eat the pretzel roll?

Andy, I'm sorry
about your birthday.

It just went out
of my head.

I feel bad.

And I feel sick.

Can you stop swinging the bed?

Sorry, I'm nervous.

Yeah,
you're nervous a lot,

which is why our other bed
isn't moving at all.

No, no, no, no, no,
don't go.

Come back.
Come back to the sex bed.

Let's get some sex going!

Come on! We can
get this bed moving now!

See!

See?

Hey! Oh, hi!

Oh, it's your birthday!
It's your birthday!

It's tomorrow.

Okay.
Okay.

I can do better, see?

Here we go!

Now, here we go!

Wanna see me twerk it?
Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

If I'd had any food,
I would throw up.

Okay, yeah,
have a seat.

Let's have some bread.

Has it really been that long
since we had sex?

Sweetie,
after that dance,

it's hard to believe
you've ever had sex.

It hasn't
been that long.

The shop opened
on the 12th,

so it's...

What?

No,
it's just interesting

you had no problem
remembering that date.

Let me ask you a question.

Where do you think
you're going?

What do you mean?
I'm here.

No.

Where do you think
you're going?

Like, where do you see
your life in a year?

Well, pretty soon,
Max and I

will be out
of this rough patch,

and full force
with the business,

doing weddings
and big events,

and then Max and I will
probably open another store,

get a bigger apartment.

Okay, and am I
in there somewhere?

Oh, come on.
I was getting to you.

Were you?

When? When were you
getting to me?

After your business
is a success?

No! Now.

Come on.
Sex time in the sex bed.

Wanna do it
on the floor?

This is so comfortable!

You put a belt on this,
you could wear it out.

Just don't try that
at your in-laws' house

with a matching turban.

Dirk, my father
worked 40 years in the factory

before he lost his arm.

- He doesn't get "camp."
- Okay.

Now get up here, lady.

We're having cookies and milk.

You guys rock.

I promise I won't
stay here all night.

Don't wanna get trapped
in the middle

of your country bear jamboree.

Please, honey.

You are perfectly safe
in this bed.

We haven't had sex
in a year.

Why would you
tell her that?

Well, she told us about
her friends not having sex.

I thought it
was on the table.

But we haven't even
discussed that.

Mother ship,
make it happen!

This is the time
to abduct me.

Hi. Max, you can come back.
Andy left.

He said he'd find
his own way home.

- He left?
- Because you're not having sex?

Max, you told the bears
we're not having sex?

Why would you share that?

Exactly, Caroline.

And why would you
tell Max that,

when you never even brought
it up in our Gestalt therapy?

I was planning on addressing
it with you this weekend.

You think I'd spend $500
on this room

for milk and cookies?

I think
we're all forgetting

how good that soup was.

Well, I'm sorry
if I haven't been feeling

very attractive lately.

I tell you how handsome
you are every day.

Don't you guys
look exactly alike?

Are you okay?

I'm all right.

You wanna get in bed
and cuddle for a little while?

No, it's--
yeah.

Come on.
Yeah, get in here.

There you go.
There you go.

Whoo!

Oh, good.
You're alive.

When I heard you left
and walked through the woods,

I wondered,
"was there anal probing?"

By an alien,
not a grifter.

You texted you wanted
to see me?

Well, someone did.

Happy Birthday!

Now, come on, blow.

I don't really
feel like doing that.

Welcome to our world.

Andy, I'm so sorry
about everything.

It's okay.

I had a lot of time
to think on the bus,

and the other bus,
and the bus I had to take

when that bus broke down.

If it makes you
feel any better,

I have rope burns
all down my back.

Andy, I'm sorry
about your birthday.

We told each other
those dates a month ago.

I wouldn't expect you
to remember mine.

May 28th, 1987.

10:30 in the morning.

10:30 at night,
so you're not perfect.

Look, you have
a really busy life,

and you're really ambitious,
which I admire,

but I wanna be more than someone
you get to eventually.

And you deserve that.

It's just I have to put
the business first right now--

And I get that.

I just--I think we
should take a break.

You wanna
take a break?

Maybe, yeah.

Are you saying
take a break

'cause you really
mean "break up,"

but you're trying
to be nice?

Maybe, yeah.

I'm sorry if this
seems sudden,

but I know me,

and maybe it's better sooner
than later.

I'm back!

And I brought my bridesmaids!

Looks like business
is picking up.

It's gonna be hard
not to see you.

Yeah, it will be.

I work 10 feet away.

This way, ladies.

We're gonna taste
every cupcake they have!

This is the time
to take me!

Come on, final offer!

E.T.? Alf?

Christina Ricci?