2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 12 - And the High Holidays - full transcript

Desperate for a way to pay their overdue rent, Max and Caroline get involved with a group of sketchy customers willing to pay top dollar for their cupcakes. Recurring guest star RYAN HANSEN appears as Andy.

This is it, Max.
The first private party

we've booked
in our cupcake shop.

You said it was a private party,

and this is a party
I keep near my privates.

Fine, but they can't
smell it on your breath,

So eat a mint after.

No need.
It's peppermint Schnapps,

'cause I think ahead.

I think this calls
for a "First party" dance.

♪ First par-tay

♪ who gonna have
a first par-tay? ♪

♪ we gon' have
a first par-tay ♪

That's the exact same dance
you did

When the Humane Society sent you
free puppy address labels.

♪ Address labels

♪ Who got doggies
on an envelope? ♪

♪ who got doggies
on an envelope? ♪

♪ I need another sip
of this ♪

♪ wish I had
something stronger ♪

Max, I'm sorry.
I can't help it.

I'm just so excited
my genius marketing ideas

are finally
starting to pay off.

Quiet! Quiet!

Quiet! Quiet!

If you aren't listening,

Cupcake Max can't teach you
how to decorate.

It's weird
how sex is so great,

and yet,
it makes these.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

Sync & corrections by Alice

Ho ho ho!

Talking to you, Max.

I know.
What's up, Andy?

I brought some Christmas candy
from my shop for the diner.


Look, Max,
Santa did come.

From just a kiss?

Well, you didn't see what
she was doing with her hands.

I taught her that.

That's my gift to you.
Merry Christmas.

Hey, is everything okay
with your shop?

'Cause the landlord
came into my store today

and mentioned you guys
hadn't paid your rent.

If there's a problem,
I'd be more than happy to help.

Well, the fact is,
we just don't have--

Don't have a clue
why our online payments

just never go through.
Technology, right?

You used to be able
to shake the mailman's hand.

Now it's all holograms
and lasers.

Grandma's right,
those were the days.

It was a more honest time.

Okay. Well, I gotta go.
A kiss for Caroline.

Oh, that was a new kind
of kiss.

I liked it.

Max taught me.

What's with the lies?
Just tell him the truth.

We can't pay our rent,
life sucks,

and you need wine
before oral.

No need.

We still have
two other private parties

set up for this month:
The Quinceanera

for that pregnant girl,
and then her baby shower.

Plus, the holidays
are coming,

so we should
get our decorations up asap,

or Santa won't know
where to find us.

Oh, he'll know
where to find us.

We'll be
the two evicted girls

eating fruitcake
out of a Dumpster.

Oh, look, here comes
one of the reindeers now.

You look like
a Korean coat rack.

Everybody can stop looking.

We found the Grinch.

No wonder it's so angry,
it's working for minimum wage.

Oh, you're hanging
the Christmas decorations.

I already put up
the mistletoe.


Let's just say
it's very well-hung.

all my checks are in,

so I have to run
and make a cupcake delivery.

Here, take this
and put it in the till.

I did a cupcake run
last night too.

Wait, who orders cupcakes
at 2:00 a.m.?

Um, my friends.

You don't have
any friends.

I have
so many friends.

Who are your friends?

Some people I know.

Then how come
I've never met them?

Well, they don't like you.

But they don't know me.

They don't like
what they've heard about you.

But who would they have
heard things from but you?

Maybe from
my other group of friends.

They don't like you either.

you can turn around.

That's right,
I followed you.

Sorry for following you.

It's just, you have
the hair and jacket of a woman.

In a good way.

Did you actually
think that was me?

My beard
is much thicker.

Well, where are we going?

Why are we
in this seedy building

that smells
like marijuana?

Oh, my God, is this
where your mom lives?

You think
my mom lives indoors?

Okay, look,
for the last few nights,

my dealer calls me
after she sells pot to people,

and then I sell those people
the munchies they need.

Max, this is New York.
That's illegal!

No, giant sodas
are illegal.

This is me selling cupcakes
to make our rent.

And besides,
it's not a big deal.

Pot's legal in Washington,

and California.

Well, thank you
for the stoner's summary

of the last election,
but we don't live

in any of those places,

and I do not approve of pot
at all.

It makes people
lazy and lethargic,

and drains
all one's ambitions.

God, you're fun.

Look, on the other side
of this door

is money to help us make
the $600 more we need for rent.

It's totally up to you.

Should I knock,
or not knock?

What's good, Max?

Hey, Keefer.
This is my friend Caroline.

Pleasure, my goddess.

Come on in.
I just broke out some dank nugs.

Oh, thanks, but we actually
just had some dank nugs.

First of all,
that's your new nickname,

and, Keefer,
I don't want to rush you,

but me and dank nugs
have to get home.

Okay, cool, I'll be right back
with the cash.

Second-hand smoke,
second-hand smoke.

Second-hand nerd,
second-hand nerd.

Here you go, they were feeling
kinda generous.

Nice to meet you, nugs.

Nice meeting you too.


A hundred bucks.

Oh, my God, Max,
that's a hundred-dollar bill!

How easy was that?

And we didn't even
have to open the shop.

I mean, what is the problem
with doing this?

You're right,
I overreacted.

We're not selling pot.
We're selling cupcakes.

We didn't break any laws.

There's nothing illegal
about it.

Move! Move! Move!

I didn't know!
I didn't know!

Go! Go! Go!
Keep going, now!

- Police!
- Go! Go, now!

Put the meth down!
Put the meth down!


Move! Go! Go!
Get him out! Let's go!

Bring him out!
Go! Go! Go!

I told you not to get involved
with drugs!

I told you!

- Shut it, Carol! Shut it!
- Oh!

I can't believe
that just happened.

I know, it's like,
"let it go, Carol."

We're done with drugs.
I was right.

And now you know
why my friends don't like you.

And remember,
we do private parties,

wedding parties,
birthday parties--

All right, there's a dozen.
What's the special occasion?

My cat died.

We also do funerals,

And sad Friday nights alone.

Thank you.

Okay, so that's
48 more dollars.

Now, all we need is--
For 72 more cats to die.

Max, there's no need
to kill imaginary cats.

Let's just send out
positive energy,

and the universe
will provide.

Swing and a miss, universe.

I was in the neighborhood

and thought I'd stop by
and say hello.

Under any other circumstance,
I'd say, "never do that again,"

but today, I'm saying,
"how many cupcakes do you want""

and I'm thinking of a number
between 10 and 20.

I'm kind of trying
to watch my waist.

Well, you're closer to it
than most people.

I'm gonna start you
with 12 cupcakes.

Full price,
'cause you're family.

Oh, my God!
The phone ringing

and a customer
at the same time?

See, Max,
it's all happening.

Between the money
we just got last night

and that pregnant girl's
Quinceanera / Baby shower,

we're gonna
make our rent.

Max's Homemade Cupcakes.
Oh, hola, Estella.

the Quinceanera / Baby shower.


Oh, no.

Oh, you can't afford it.

My mal.

Well, sorry, it didn't work out.
Gracias for calling.

Well, that's disappointing,

but we should have
seen it coming.

She couldn't
afford condoms either.

It's cool.

I'll just call Keefer

and try to do
a couple more cupcake runs.

No, that's not cool,
that's dangerous.

It'll all work out.
You know what?

I'm just gonna go over
and ask Andy

if he'll float us some cash
till the holiday rush kicks in.

He did offer.

We should put up
some Christmas lights,

a menorah for Chanukah,
and for Kwanzaa...

While I'm gone, why don't you
Wikipedia Kwanzaa?

Here's the first eight.

And how many cupcakes
would you like "to go"?

I'm thinking of a number
between 40 and 50.

How come you never push
the food at the diner like this?

Oh, that's where
I know you from.

Start eating.

I didn't do it.
It's so not hot.

He's my boyfriend.
I mean,

it's not like borrowing money
from family.

You don't sleep
with your family.

Not all families
are the same, Caroline.

Besides, we're fine.
The universe will provide.

Well, the universe
better provide in,

like, a second, 'cause look,
there's the landlord.

He just went
into that Moroccan place.

What are we
gonna do?

- Hide!
- What?

Well, I should go.

It's too late for that!

Lock the door, hit the lights,

and crawl over here,
and stay low!

Stay down
till we're out of sight.


Ow. Ow, it hurts!

Oh, please.
Like this is the first time

you've been on your knees
in the bathroom.

Caroline, you don't have to
stay on the ground anymore.

I feel like
this is where I belong now.

Yo, Baker girls.

Max, he's in the shop.

- Okay, go, out the window.
- Really?

If he can't see us,
he can't evict us.


It's a little high.
Are you sure?

You've heard "When God closes
a door, he opens a window"?

He's running
from his landlord.


Okay, here goes.
I love you, Max.

What about me?
What should I do?

Put the money for those
cupcakes on the counter.

Who are you?


No hablo ingles?

All right, all right,
good news.

I just found $3
in my pocket.

Oh, and a peanut M&M,

so we don't have to
spend money on dinner.

why are you putting it off?

You know
what you have to do.

Go over to the couch and
put your hands in that crack.

It's every poor girl's
rite of passage.



I think something
just licked me.

I'll just check our purses.
Here's yours.

Uh, no, no, no.
I already checked that.

There's nothing
in mine...

Except that baggie of pot

that Keefer gave me
as a Christmas present.

Max, this is not
a Christmas present.

This is a giant, illegal,
fat sack of weed.

with a Rudolph sticker,

which makes it
a Christmas present.

His nose and his eyes are red.

I want this out of my sight.
You gotta get rid of it.

Well, it's gonna take me

at least 45 minutes
to smoke all that.

Max, I'm serious,

I'm not comfortable
with that fat sack of weed.

Stop saying
"fat sack of weed."

You're like someone's dad
overusing the word "awesome."

I'll just
put it up here,

next to the half a Vicodin
I was saving for new year's.

Oh, no!
The pot!

The pot is in the pot!

It's in the butter
I was using to make cupcakes.

Maybe this is
the universe's way

of telling you
to stop doing drugs.

Or is it telling us
to sell them?

Max, we are
not that desperate.

We're not making
pot cupcakes.

I'd rather just see
what the holidays bring.

Well, this isn't Bethlehem,
it's Brooklyn.

There's no frankincense
and myrrh,

there's only frankenberry
and "myrrh-ajuana."

These turned out great!
Good idea, universe.

I knew you smoked weed.

Oh, my God.
I can't believe the smell.

It's like a skunk
skunked a skunk.

I know.
It's like a port-a-potty

on the last day
of Coachella.

Oh, no,
Chestnut's smelling this.

I got my horse stoned.

Oh, relax.

He's just trying
to fit in at school.

Do you think
the neighbors can smell it?

Do you think
they're gonna call the cops?

Chill out!
How can someone be this paranoid

before they're high?

Here, taste this.

Max, I don't do pot.

I tried it a couple times
in college.

It totally changed
my personality.

Then please
have some pot right now.

Come on,
it's business.

I need you to taste it
and tell me how it is,

'cause I can't tell.
At this point,

everything I put in my mouth
tastes like pot.

Hey, it's pretty good.

In fact,
it's kind of delicious.

We should charge
15 apiece for these.

That's $540.
That's our rent.

A few more bites
of that cupcake,

and that math would've
taken two hours longer.

Oh, my God!
It's the cops!

It's probably
that same SWAT team!

I told you not to get involved
with drugs!

I told you!

Shut it, Caroline!
Shut it!

Relax, it's Sophie.

Hi, girls.
I got my period.

Yeah, I got killer cramps.

It's like I got a tractor
in my uterus.

Sophie, we're sorry
you're not feeling well.

Yeah, you know,
it's times like these

I think God's a bitch.


Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

What's that smell?

It's nothing.

Maui wowie!

Oh, you girls
have been holding out on me!

All right! Okay!

This is what
I'm talking about!

Oh, my God,
good-bye, killer cramps!

Hello, pot party!

I am picking up
what you are laying down.


I think we found
our new product spokesperson.

Here it is.

I've been here once before
with Keefer.

Judah's a really chill guy,
kind of a tech genius.

Think we can probably
sell them all here.

Are you okay?

You haven't spoken
the entire way over here,

which is either
a side effect of the pot,

or my early
Christmas present.

No, I'm fine.
I feel exactly the same.

It hasn't changed me
at all.

Careful with the box,

'cause you're smearing
the cupcakes.

Oh, what does it matter?
We're all gonna die.

Is this that other personality
you were telling me about?

No, it's still me.
Not that I matter.

None of us do.
We're all gonna die.

Oh, crap.

Hey, Max!

I was so happy
that you called.

And we're so happy
you're addicted to marijuana.

You know it always
leads to heroin--

Which leads to death.
We get it.

You're the one
not-fun stoner.

Hey, guys, the chicks
are here with the edibles.

- Edibles!
- We're having a little bit

of a celebration.

Okay, so cupcakes.

They're 15 apiece,
good quality.

And guys, we have to sell
all of them, or tomorrow,

we'll be eating
out of a Dumpster.

Does anyone
have any uppers?

I have to sit down.
I mean, life. Ugh!

I'm so tired of pretending
it's all gonna be okay.

It's not.

You should get that mole
checked out.

I don't feel good
about it.

Dude, this chick
is freaking me out.

Just take it easy, Dave.
We'll just get some food in her.

I got a buddy on the way
with pizza.

I'm sorry about her.

It's like bringing your mother
to a strip club.

Not for me. That'd be like
taking my mom to work.

how about their lives?

They got no way out.

Can I talk to you,
before you start performing

an acoustic ballad
about strippers with moles?

What's the point, Max?

Go, if you're gonna hit me,
hit me.

What is happening
with you?

I didn't even know
blonde people could be sad.

Max, I have to tell you

Come here.
It's a secret. Come here.

We're not gonna make it.

But you're the one
who's always telling me

everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah, I was lying.

Where's the weed,

Perfect timing, Andy.

These are the girls
who are selling edibles.

No, that's my girlfriend,

That sucks for you, dude.

What are you doing here?

She is really
getting the hang of that.

And around 4:00 a.m.,
you finally called me

from an IHOP in Greenpoint,
and I came and picked you up.

You were covered in syrup,

"the Mayans were right!
The Mayans were right!"

There's my little stoner.

Andy, I don't get stoned.
It was just last night.

I know.
You told me all about it

when you called
at 4:00 a.m.

and I'm mortified to ask,

but did you and I
have phone sex?

That was you and me.

Stoned Caroline's got game.

Hey, Max told me
about the rent.

Why didn't you tell me
you guys needed help?

I guess I just
didn't want to have to admit

to you or to myself
that we're in real trouble.

Plus, being a charity instead
of a girlfriend is so not hot.

Uh, there is nothing
you can do that is not hot.

Oh, then whatever you do,
do not look at the video

Max has of me, rolling around
in the IHOP parking lot,

covered in syrup.

I want you to have this.

Cash it, don't cash it.
Do whatever you want,

but just know that my success
doesn't mean anything

if I can't
share it with you.

Thank you.

Andy, that is so amazing,
and I really appreciate it,

but I can't take it.

Well, it's a win-win.

At least it got your hand
in my pants.

And remember,
if you ever need it, it's there.

I'm talking about my penis.

Andy offered to pay our rent,
but I said no.

That is the whitest thing
I've ever heard.

It was really sweet
of him,

but I didn't want to take money
from a man I'm sleeping with.

Wait, are you telling me
there are women

who don't take money
from men they're sleeping with?

What's gonna happen, Max?

I don't know.

But we do have
Christmas decorations,

so let's put them up.

Wait a minute.

You're the one
pushing Christmas?

Who are you, me?

No, I still have
my dignity.

Speaking of Christmas,
here are the 21/2 wise men.

- What's up?
- Caroline called me last night.

Told me that you two
couldn't pay your rent,

that you were losing the shop.

That girl can talk.

She called me too, and said
you didn't have your rent,

and also that, for sure,
the rising waters of the ocean

will swallow us
and kill us all.

So we put together
what we had, and... here.

Consider it
an early Christmas gift

from all three of us...

Even though I gave 350,
Earl gave 100,

and he gave 50.

Thank you,
but we can't take it.

Yes, you can.
We're family.

500 whole dollars?

Thank you, guys.

And we have
something special for you.

What makes it special?

The love
she puts into 'em, man.

You can smell the love
all around her.


You know, Max,
I think we're gonna make it.

I like
not-stoned Caroline.

We're gonna keep you
off the drugs.

You mean
because I'm more positive?

No, 'cause we may
have to sell your urine

for next month's rent, and
I'm gonna need that pee clean.

Mmm, so good.

Sync & corrections by Alice