2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 14 - And Too Little Sleep - full transcript

Can I get another refill?

Yes.
Can I get an explanation

of why you're wearing overalls
when there are no goats around?

Oh, wait...
Now he's drumming.

Overalls, free coffee refills,
and drumming.

We can stop looking, we found
the world's most annoying hipster.

Max, this isn't a diner
where everything comes

with attitude and E. coli.

This is the cupcake shop.
You own this place.

Ugh, success really
cuts your balls off!

We get it.
Your tribe's in trouble.

Hey, she's kidding.

Just help yourself to a fresh
mocha almond refill.

And by the way, sick beats.

You threw him a peace sign?

What are you, a Japanese teenager?

It's a gesture of goodwill.

Okay, but if I see you doing
an open heart, I will kill you.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

Hey, there's Andy.

I don't want him to see me.

Did you just openly wave
to my ex-boyfriend?

Yeah, I always wave at him.

He didn't die just because

you stopped letting him touch
your boobies.

Well, I don't wave
to the guy at the record shop

that you had sex with.

I had sex with the guy
at the record shop?

I should keep a diary.

Oh, God, he's coming back.

See what you started with your wave?

I'm sorry.
My hand is friendly.

Ask any guy in high school.

I was gonna try and sneak by,

but that just seemed
so juvenile, so here...

"Do you guys still like me?

"Check 'Yes' or 'No.'"

So how's she doing?

- She's good.
- Really?

Oh, by the way, the guy
at the record store says hi.

Well, you tell him
I said, "who are you?"

And I also came in because
I wanted to make sure

everything's cool with you and me, Max.

I mean, you haven't texted me a pic

of an unlikely animal friendship
in, like, 48 hours.

Don't worry, we're cool.
I just haven't been able

to top the picture I sent of the monkey

tickling a parrot.

I get it.
You have high standards.

Whereas, me, I see a black dog
spooning a brown dog,

and I pull the trigger.

Well, save that amateur crap
for your mom,

perhaps with an aunt and uncle CC.

Ha, that is so me.

Well, sir, you have raised the bar.

I look forward to our next
freaky/adorable animal pic.

Well, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Since we broke up, he got fat.

It's only been four days.

Wynonna Judd gets fat in an hour.

I'm too exhausted
to even think about Andy.

Let's just change and get to the diner.

Look, all we have to do is make it

through eight more hours,

and then we can get
a good night's sleep.

Max, you're taking
your pants off in public!

Oh, my God!

I'm so tired, I forgot where I was!

They're halfway down.
What do I do?

I'm too tired to make the call.

And I'll have the BLT
with the French fries.

Miss? I think our waitress
is asleep.

Yeah, she's tired.
We haven't slept a lot lately.

When she wakes up,
she'll take your order.

- But we're really hungry--
- Leave her alone!

So I come to your job and wake you up?

Hi, can I take your order?

I can see how tired you are, Max.

And if I could turn the clock
back to '75,

I'd help you out
with a nice bump of cocaine.

But I don't do that anymore.

Earl, you quit coke in 1975?

No, when I was 75, last year.

It just felt like time.

Now all I can give you is
a nice bump of this.

Max, I need you
to explain something to me

'cause I can't figure it out.

That's hard to believe,
since you're 90% head.

It's not a laughing matter, Max.

I broke my mother's pelvis coming out.

At least you finally came out.

Oh, so you're awake enough
to ridicule the boss,

but not awake enough to wait on tables.

Exactly. See,
there's that big head working.

And don't exaggerate.

Caroline and I are doing a great job.

- Wake up.
- Hi, can I take your order?

All I knows is.
if I was doing my job

as bad as you two tonight,
I'd take my own life.

That's not off the table.

Come on, Han, cut us a break.

We're working two jobs,
we got two hours of sleep.

We just want to get home
and climb into bed.

You're sleeping together?

I mean, it's been a "will they
or won't they" since they met.

Hi, everybody.
Sophie's here!

And look at my new coat.
It's double-breasted.

Pretty nice, huh?
It was a gift from me.

It's the only thing he ever gave me

that didn't threaten
my reproductive health.

Think that fox took its own life

when it saw what kind of coat
it was gonna be on.

What is the occasion?

What is the occasion?
I'm hot and it's cold.

And it's also the anniversary
of the first time

Oleg and I 70ed.

The way I do it, it's one more than 69.

Max, I just hung up
from a very panicked phone call,

and you'll never believe what happened.

The guy from the record store
called to say

I have super gonorrhea?

You actually think a guy
that you don't even remember

called to tell me
that you have super gonorrhea?

Yes, that's how tired I am.

Are you gonna make me wait
forever? Do I have it or not?

It's not super gonorrhea,
but it is super-bad news.

This woman just called
to confirm her order

for 1,000 cupcakes for tomorrow.

I've been so tired,
I completely forgot.

I'd rather have super gonorrhea!

Are you insane? We can't do
1,000 cupcakes by tomorrow.

Wehaveto do it.

It'll ruin our reputation if we don't.

I know we're tired,
but if we stay up all night,

we'll have $4,000
by tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.

They have to be done
by 10:00 a.m.?

I'm so tired, remind me--
Is a.m. the morning one?

We can't do it.
It's impossible.

My brain's too foggy
to crunch the numbers,

but I'm sure it's doable
if we leave right now.

We're in the middle of waiting tables.

Well, we'll just have to
come up with an excuse.

Give me your hand, bend over,
and pretend to be sick.

It'll work. I've used this
to get out of eight jobs,

six final exams, and one wedding.

Han, we have an emergency.
Caroline's sick.

She's so sick, she can't even stand up.

We won't be able to stay
and finish our shift.

We have to go right
to the emergency room.

We don't know what's wrong with her,

but it's coming out of both ends.

It might be super gonorrhea.
Bye.

That's so unfortunate.

And on the night they were
finally gonna do it.

Whoa, those are some
big-ass coffees!

Yep, 64-ouncers.

They told me they're bigger
than the human stomach.

And the coffee's already working,

'cause I figured out
if it's midnight now,

we have to be done
at 10:00 a.m.

So if it's 40 minutes per batch
from beginning to end,

baking 4 dozen at a time,
that's 48 cupcakes

times 20 trips to the oven,
which equals nine hours,

which equals $4,000.

Give me that.
Let's see if I can do math too.

Ask me something.

16 times 12.

I'm just going to enjoy my coffee.

You enjoy, I'll preheat the oven.

- What's the temp?
- 325.

There, that's the coffee talking.

Andy just sent me a picture
of a deer nursing a turtle.

This is why they tell teen turtles

never to post up on Facebook.

Oh, I didn't realize
you two were still texting.

Well, we're mostly
just sending pictures

of unlikely animal friendships.

See, there's a bear napping
with a bunny.

And what's this?

It's a labradoodle
high-fiving a koi fish.

It's pretty self-explanatory.

No, underneath that.
This-- "How's Caroline?"

I thought this was just
an unlikely animal friendship.

It is, mostly, but every other text,

I get the idea that
maybe he's not over you.

He's the one who broke up with me.

Well, maybe he regrets it.

Maybe you two are like
Chris Brown and Rihanna,

minus the punching and the duet.

I'm kind of surprised.

I thought you guys were good together.

Andy is great.
And on the surface,

he was there for me
and very supportive.

But then he kind of got fed up
when it was so much about

me and my career.

And when push came to shove,
he felt like

he had to pull away
for his own well-being.

Oh, my God, we are
Rihanna and Chris Brown!

But I'm Chris Brown.

Speaking of Chris Brown,
I'm gonna start to batter.

How's that stove?

Warm, but it's really wobbly.

Yeah, it wobbles, it smokes,
and one time it burned me.

That's why I nicknamed it
"Mom."

What is this wood thing under the leg?

it's the shim.

I think it's making it worse.

Don't!
That's holding the leg up!

Oh! Aah!

But I guess you figured that out now.

You heard me say it was the shim!

I don't know what a shim is.

I thought it was just
one of those things you say.

What did you think it could be?

I thought it was a cool word blend.

You know, like she/him
for a transsexual--a shim.

You thought a tiny transsexual
was holding up our stove?

Yes, Max, I'm that tired.

I thought a tiny transsexual
was holding up our stove.

This is a disaster, and our oven
at home's too small.

What are we gonna do now?

Oh, good, you're still here.

Don't anybody leave.
Our night just got worse.

Don't come any closer, super gonorrhea!

I'm sorry to say we lied
to get off our shift.

But we have to bake
1,000 cupcakes by tomorrow,

and our oven broke at the shop,
and we need to use yours.

You lied to me,
and now you want a favor?

Yes. Han, we know
it's a big favor,

and it probably looks
even bigger to you,

but I'm sure you can see past our lie.

And if you can't,
you can get up on that chair,

I could put you on our shoulders...

Long story abnormally short,
will you help us?

Well, those 12 short jokes
really primed me.

Fine, you can use the oven

and any of the supplies you need.

Thank you. We really need
to fill this order.

I'll stay and help.
I also had something to fill,

but I'll just text Sophie
and tell her I'm working.

I'll help too.

I can't bake, but I can sit
and lift the spirits.

As long as there are spirits.
It's open bar, right, Han?

Okay, I'm in too.
Earl, make me a sea breeze,

easy on the breezy.

You know, because of my childhood,

I won't be able to process the fact

that you've all just
done something nice for me,

so if I run into you
in ten years and start crying,

this is what it's about.

900 and counting.
Comin' through.

- Where do you want them?
- Put 'em over here,

next to the world's slowest helper.

It took you longer
to make that one cupcake

than it took James Cameron
to make Avatar.

Well, I been doing this
for two minutes,

and I have to say...
Not for me.

But you know what is for me?

Another free cognac.

Ready for another sea breeze, Han?

Not before I get this right.

And you don't want to see me
on two sea breezes.

What happens,
you become Lindsay Llo-Han?

Okay, let me show you how it's done.

There, you feel how that is, Han?

Uh, yes.

Now just squeeze that bag.

Good. Little harder.
Good. Little harder.

Whoa! Oh...

I'm humiliated.

It's okay, Han, it happens
to a lot of guys

their first time.

Get yourself a tissue
and clean yourself off,

like everyone else.

Han, you're off the bag.
I'm moving you to batter.

It's not a demotion, it's just
that you stink at this.

I wanna give you something easier.

Max, you just got that
all over your apron.

I'll wipe it down.
Mine's a mess too.

Ooh, pretty slick move.

You wanna try for my bra next?

Yeah, baby,

I'll take off your bra.

What the hell was that?

What?
It's my guy voice.

That's your go-to
guy voice?

Is his identity being
protected on Dateline?

Well, what's your guy voice like?

I'm doing it right now.

I'm gonna take a quick pee break.

I don't know, I think you might
be making the drinks too strong.

We're not drunk, Oleg, just punchy.

I'm just drunk.

It was so nice of everyone
to stay that long.

Everything's baked except for those.

We've gonna make it, Max.

Andy sent me
a cat and a dolphin kissing.

I hope they go all the way.
I'm dying to see their baby.

A cat-dolphin? Yes!

I don't think that's healthy.

Well, if they're in love,

it's really none of your business.

Why are you texting him
in the middle of the night?

In fact, why is he still up?
Is he talking about me?

You look upset.

Do you want me to stop texting him?

No. It's fine.
It's just I'm tired

and we're almost finished,
and I just wanna go home.

Got it.
I'm so hot.

Let me just get this hair off my neck.

Max, why are you wearing
only one earring?

What are you talking about?
I'm wearing two.

That's weird. Where is it?
Is it in my hair?

- No, no.
- Did it fall down?

Yeah, check your boobs.

That's where you found the remote.

It's not--
it's not anywhere on me.

Well, when's the last time you saw it?

I don't know,
but it couldn't have gone far.

I was in this area
pretty much the whole night.

You mean over the batter?

No, no, no.
Nothing, nothing, nothing!

No, no, no, no, nothing,
nothing, nothing!

No, no, no, no, no!
Nothing, nothing, no!

It's not here, which means

it's in one of those
already-baked cupcakes.

Let's go. We have to start
pulling these apart.

Really? Come on,
don't be ridiculous.

Look, worst-case scenario,
one of the 1,000 cupcakes

has an earring in it.

We'll tell them it's a surprise.

No, the worst-case scenario
is someone bites into it,

rips their lip open, and sues us.

Let them sue us.
We don't have any money.

And that's why we'll go to jail.

Yep, I'll be locked up raw

and forced to be someone's girlfriend.

I mean, I'm a bad girlfriend
out of prison.

It's not gonna be any easier
with big Joan.

Calm down. If we go to prison,
I'll be your girlfriend.

Until someone hotter comes along,

'cause that's the way it goes
in prison.

Start looking.

I am not going to smash 900 cupcakes.

Then we'll just have to start over.

Oh, no, I would rather
hitch a ride West

and become a sister-wife.

This is crazy.
Can't I just text them

and tell them we can't do the job?

No, you can't text them.
We need the money.

And stop with all the texting.

Maybe if you were thinking less
about texting

with my ex-boyfriend,

you wouldn't have lost
your earring in the first place.

You should have just said it.

You have a problem
with me texting Andy.

I do not have a problem with it!

Oh, good, 'cause he's my friend too.

You'd think your loyalty
to your best friend

and business partner
would be more important

than some stupid animal friendship!

I mean...

I'm surprised I even have
to tell you that, Max.

It's kind of girl code.

Oh, I am way to tired
to hear "girl code."

Shut it down.

Girl code, Max.
Girl code.

Shut up, Caroline.
Shut up!

I'm not even gonna
dignify that with a response.

Yeah, that was the goal, bitch.

I don't have time for this.

I have to find an earring that you lost

in one of these
thousand cupcakes, bitch!

The thousand cupcakes that
you forgot to tell me about!

And the girl code
means that when a girl

breaks up with someone,

you don't interfere
with their boyfriend,

because she needs some distance!

Well, why didn't you tell me that

when I asked you 14 hours ago?

Hey, Max.
I got your text.

I'm here to help.

Um, that was
a pre-girl-code text.

I thought we maybe needed a backup

after Earl passed up
and I made Han cry.

Andy, on the list of things
I feel guilty about in life,

calling you to help
in the middle of the night

is number two.

It would be number one if I hadn't

pushed that girl down the stairs

to get into the 98 Degrees
concert before her.

Well, it was 98 Degrees.
People had to die.

Okay, let's stop
all this joking and get down

to why I really came here.

Come on, Caroline, love me.

Did you just say, "Caroline, love me"?

No, I said,
"Caroline, glove me."

What kind of loser would say,

"love me"?
Unless you do.

So how you doing?

I'm okay.
A little tired.

You know, I've been
thinking about you a lot.

Pretty much all the time
since we broke up.

Um, maybe I overreacted to your whole

obsession with work thing, you know?

- Well, you are here
at 4:00 a.m.

'Cause I needed help making
1,000 cupcakes in four hours.

One might call that obsessive.

One might.
Or pretty much everyone might.

And, Andy, just know that
even though it didn't work out,

I do glove you.

I glove you too.

Now, get the cupcakes out
before they burn.

I don't have the energy
to do this all again.

Ah, there's the girl I broke up with.

Everything's ready to go out there.

I've had my hands in more boxes tonight

than a gynecologist at a free clinic.

It's not that funny.

Stay up another 27 hours,

it'll be the funniest damn thing
you ever heard.

Well, that's the end of it.

Yeah, I think it is.

Max, I'm talking about more
than the cupcakes.

Yeah, I could tell
by your Bradley Cooper tone.

So what, it's not gonna work out
between you two?

No. And I think
we have to break up.

I thought you already broke up.

No, I'm talking about you and me.

You're dumping me?

Wow, last guy who dumped me,

I burned down his house and moved.

Still wanna continue this conversation?

Max, it wouldn't work.

I would always be asking you
about Caroline.

Look, I get it, it's weird.

People don't usually stay
friends with their friend's ex,

but then, cats don't usually
become friends with dolphins.

But sometimes, for no
apparent reason, it happens.

Yeah, I just wish I was as grown up

as a cat or a dolphin.

I hear ya.

So what's next, breakup text?

Nah, that's just gonna lead
to makeup text,

and then we're back in a vicious cycle.

All right, I'll just
stop by your place,

pick up my CDs,
my T-shirts,

and the 3 grand I left there.

Max, you've never been to my place.

See, this is why
I'm breaking up with you--

you're a liar.

See you in small claims court, bub.

Well, we did it, Max.
We made $4,000.

And as far as Andy and I go,

I think we're in the right place,

because when he said
he'd been thinking about me

since the breakup,

I realized I'd only been
thinking about the cupcakes.

Oh, please, God, shut up.

Thank you.
I was dying to shut up.

Ooh.

Look, it's a text from the place.

They loved the cupcakes.

Wait, why do I have my phone
in your apron?

No, my phone was in my apron.

Unless I handed you the wrong apron

after I wiped them down.

What? What?

Oh... Your earring.

I had it in there the whole time.

Oh, we're idiots!

We're two very different kinds
of idiots, but we're idiots.

And yet, somehow we work.

We're the most unlikely animal friends.

I don't know about that,
but a picture of me nursing you

would definitely go viral.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Where you going?

I'm too tired to pull my bed down.

- I'm sleeping with you.
- No, you're not.

You have super gonorrhea.