2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 11 - And the Silent Partner - full transcript

Well, you, me,
and the cupcakes are ready,

now, we just need people.
[Chuckles]

Ooh, here we go!

This one looks like
she might come in.

Yeah,
keep walking, ugly!

Ugly?
She's like a supermodel.

Did she come in
and buy something?

- No.
- Then, she ugly.

Okay, yes,
business is slow,

but we don't
have to drop to that level.

Ooh, this guy
is definitely coming in.

Keep walking, fatty!

And he ugly.

[Both gasp]

Both: Welcome
to Max's homemade cupcakes!

Hello.
How much are your cupcakes?

$4.

No.

Both: Whore.

Jinx, you owe me a coke!
[Laugh]

We both called
an old lady a whore.

I know!
We are in complete sync.

That is so good
for business.

I'll give you $3.

I'm sorry,
they're $4.

There's no one in here.
You'll take what you get.

I'm in love
with that whore.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪

Hello. I'm calling
from Max's Homemade Cupcakes

to acquaint you with our new
"Mornings with Max's" special.

No, sir, that is not
what our special is.

And I haven't even done that
with my boyfriend yet,

so don't be rude.

Give me that phone.

Ya fat, ya ugly,
ya fugly.

Max, we have got to get
more business going.

The money Sophie gave us
to open the shop

will only cover
next month's rent.

Wait, we already have
next month's rent?

Why are we worried?
We're doing better

than everyone else
in America.

Well, well, well,
if it isn't Prince Charming.

But, Earl,
is Prince Charming,

or is he just a diva
in purple?

So psyched. Finally got
a personalized hello from Earl.

He called me
Prince Charming.

I'm in, baby, I am in.
[Laughs]

I wouldn't get
too excited.

He probably
just forgot your name.

He calls every Puerto Rican guy
that comes in here "La Bamba."

[Phone ringing]

Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

- Yes, I'll hold.
- [Laughs]

Of course we do sugar-free
and gluten-free.

I'll be right back,
I just gotta take this call.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, I understand,
but, like, how diabetic?

I feel a little sick
to my stomach.

Why? You haven't even
eaten here yet.

No, I'm nervous.

I came here to tell Caroline
something kind of big.

What? You have
a secret family on Long Island?

- No.
- You have Hep-C? "D"?

- One of the new heps?
- No.

I don't have
any of the heps.

Wow. Now, telling her
I'm in love with her

is just going to
sound boring.

You're gonna tell her
you love her?

Here in the diner?

Why,
was the dump closed?

Hey, we need more coffee,
La Bamba.

Andy, this isn't where
you tell someone "I love you."

This is where you tell someone
their sex change looks passable.

What's the big deal?

If I feel it,
why shouldn't I say it?

I think
she'd be all over that.

Nope. If it didn't happen
to Kate Hudson

in some stupid
romantic comedy,

then it won't work
for Caroline.

Sorry, what? I left
and went into another theater

in my mind
while you were talking.

I know, it's so creepy,
but she likes it.

Really, if you could
arrange for it to rain,

or run after her
to the airport in the rain,

but somehow end up on top
of the Empire State building

on Valentine's Day,
that'd be best.

Well, I just sold
three dozen cupcakes,

we just have to mark "No sugar"
on one of the boxes.

So what did you want
to say to me?

No, nothing,
just came by to say hi.

I gotta go download
a couple movies.

Hey, Oleg.
Where's my food?

[Rings bell]
Cheeseburger with fries,

pick-up.

Han, you look so tall
in the window.

Tell me the truth, are you
standing on another tiny person?

No.

On the box.

Oleg had to leave.

Sophie came back
from her trip to Poland,

and he's worried, 'cause
she's very, very depressed.

Why, did she see you
in that hair net?

Come on, listen,
when Sophie went to see

her new house,
there was no house.

Her Polish contractor
ripped off her money.

Poor Sophie.
I feel terrible.

I know what it feels like
to be ripped off.

I once bought a Fendi purse,
but when I looked inside,

it said "Rendi."

What kind of god
would let that happen?

Max, I went to a party
with that.

We should stop by after work,
see how she is,

and bring her
some of her favorite cupcakes.

Or you could give her
that $20,000 she loaned you.

Loaned us? Sophie gave us
that money as a gift.

Not what I hear.
Pick-up!

And we're out of spaghetti.
There's no sauce.

No, Han,
there's plenty of sauce.

[Whispering] I know,
but I can't reach the shelf.

Hey, are we sure that money
Sophie gave us was a gift?

Yes. She gave it to us
to support our dream.

I know when I had money,
I gave it out freely,

and never expected
anything in return.

Like when I gave my maid
that gorgeous Rendi.

Well, I don't know about
people not expecting stuff back.

One time,
a guy bought me a slushy,

and for the next three weeks,
he owned me.

No, he really owned me.

Eight days in, I almost
got traded to a trucker.

And I wouldn't
even mention her gift.

It will only insult her,
and I promise,

nobody is expecting us
to give the money back.

Come in, girls.
Did you bring the check?

No, because it was a gift--
a big-ass gift,

but we brought our love
and we brought cupcakes.

Well,
I doubt she'll eat them.

She hasn't even touched
her kapusniak,

which is the dish
traditionally served

to Polish women who have been
wronged by their contractors.

Such a specific culture.

But that's not
the worst thing.

She is so depressed,
no sex,

which is big problem
for me,

because I find
depressed women very hot.

A lot of guys do.

Why do you think I haven't
paid for a drink in six years?

I'll go in
and tell her you're here.

She's just lying there
on the bed, lifeless, hot...

The big tease.

Sophie, the two girls
who you loaned the money to

are here to see you.

It was a gift.

A generous, generous gift,
but still a gift.

Are we sure about that?
'Cause I was slushy boy's bitch

for three weeks,
and I did things.

Look,
Max brought you cupcakes,

your favorite: Vanilla
with a bacon fat drizzle.

No, I can't eat
when I've been betrayed.

What kind again?

Sophie, I am patient man,
but I am also horny man.

Any idea when you will
snap out of this?

Oh, why don't you just unzip
and climb on top of me now

and get it over with?

- Oh, no.
- Well, we should be going.

No, girls, stay.

If she's not even going to
put up a fight, what's the fun?

Are you sure?

Bacon drizzle,
little bit of heaven.

No, I don't want them.

Okay,
let's put the cupcakes here,

in case
you change your mind.

- Is this a gun?
- Ooh!

Yes. I'm not going to
stab myself to death.

Do you know how much
this outfit costs?

Sophie, you're going to
get through this.

And by the way,
you look amazing in black.

Oh, well, no more
bright colors for me now.

I'm in mourning.

See?
Black bra, black garters,

and look,
black panties.

Um, you're not wearing
any panties.

I'm not?

Oh.

I'm sorry about
that wild mess down there.

Sophie, I feel bad
you got ripped off.

Here are all my tips
from tonight: $27.

For eight hours?

Oh, now,
I'm depressed for you.

You want to borrow my gun?

You know what? I think
you just need to eat something,

and pretty soon,
you'll be back to your old self:

A woman who gives gifts
and expects nothing in return,

'cause that's
what a gift is.

Sophie, is that
doing anything for you?

Yeah, well,
I'm not hating it.

Here, this soup
smells amazing.

Oh, no. I don't have
the energy to eat.

Sophie, open your mouth
and put this in.

Oh, come on.
Now you're as bad as Oleg.

There. Better?

That's cold.

Sophie, just say the word,
and I will rob a bank for you.

Sophie, I understand
you're hurting,

but we've already spent
most of the money on the shop,

and business
just isn't good.

It's not the money.
Everybody thinks it's the money.

It's more than that.

My lake house was my dream,
and I lost my dream.

Oh, thank God!

Well, I'm glad
that's cleared up.

Not about the money.

Max, come on, she's had a shock,
we should let her sleep.

You girls are so lucky.
You still have your dream.

Well, Sophie, what if you
were part of our dream?

I'm sorry?
Whose dream?

Our dream.

Your dream?
Where's that cupcake?

Look, Sophie's the only reason
we have a shop.

We should make her,
like, a partner.

Mmm! Partner!

But you and I
are already partners.

I feel like we're kind of
partnered out.

What about
a silent partner?

Mmm! Silent partner!
Yeah, I like that.

Mmm! I'm getting
my appetite back,

and also,
my sex drive.

Go or stay, girls.
Either way, I'm going in.

I'm sorry I said Sophie
could be part of the store.

I just felt bad for her,
lying there,

all in black, too sad
to even make her junk pretty.

It's fine. "Silent partner" is
just a figurehead role anyway,

and it's nice to know
you have such a big heart.

It's not my heart.

What I saw down there
changed me.

It looks like something
an animal built

to live in
for the winter.

Wait, what is
Sophie's chandelier doing here?

Is this the Polish version
of a home invasion?

They break in
and leave something tacky?

Good morning, partners.

I didn't know the dress code,
so I went business casual.

Look, the chandelier that
I bought for my lake house.

Oh, now our dreams
are together.

Sophie, it's not
the look we were going for.

Oh, I know.
Much better, right?

That is definitely
not our style.

It looks like a Tim Burton movie
just spit up in here.

I think
it's kind of pretty.

But what do I know?

I once spent my last 50 bucks
on a frog pinata.

Had to have it.

[Phone ringing]

Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

Yes, we're
an upscale bakery, and--

Now, we sell hoagies.

Oh, no, no, no, sir,
we do not sell hoagies.

Yes, we do.

How many would you like?
Let me get a pen.

[Knocking at the door]

What's happening?

Are we finally
gonna trash Caroline?

No, I need your help.

I watched four chick flicks
back-to-back,

then I made a list
of possible ways

to tell Caroline
I love her.

I was gonna make more,
but I got my period.

Okay, run the choices
past me.

Whichever one makes me
want to hurl the most,

that's your winner.

I could play a song for her
outside of her apartment,

but keep in mind how hard it is
to find a boom box in 2012.

Yeah, plus, if you do that
outside our apartment,

you'll be shot.

By me.

Okay, what about
sharing cocoa and a hot dog

on the ice rink
in Central Park?

Yup, that's it.

Makes me
want to take my head off

and throw it
into the street.

Cool.
Oh, and, Max,

I think I'm the only
straight guy on earth

who knows the difference
between Dylan McDermott

and Dermott Mulroney,
and that, my friend, is love.

Oh, what's
that funky-ass smell?

Do they finally sell
pepperoni febreze?

Max, this already
isn't working.

The stinky salami,
the gaudy chandelier?

It's like a haunted Quiznos
in here.

Hey, I'm sending Oleg
to Queens

to pick up
a flat of Fresca. Yeah.

There's nothing better
with a hoagie

than an ice-cold Fresca.

That's what I wanted!

Look...

They'll go great
with the pickled eggs!

This just went from my dream
to a nightmare.

Oh, my God, Caroline!
It is you!

Stacy, no way! I haven't
seen you since graduation.

We went to Wharton together.

This girl is a genius.

- [Chuckles]
- Always top of the class.

So what are you
doing here?

Buying a cupcake on your way
to running the world?

No, I own this shop.

Oh. You own
this little cupcake shop?

And many other
bigger shops.

This is our
new Williamsburg location.

And yes, I know,
the chandelier is all wrong.

I told the designer,
none of our

Pacific Northwest locations
will have the chandeliers.

Of course, you'd own
a cupcake empire at 25.

- Oh, and this is Max.
- Hi.

I just transferred
from our Boise location.

What's that horrible smell?

It's something called
a "hoagie."

The workers like them.
Right, Max?

Si, gracias
por la hoagie.

Well, I have to go.

I'm consulting upstairs
at BBD&L.

- Oh, upstairs. [Chuckles]
- Yeah.

Always knew
you'd land on your feet.

Let's go for drinks,
and you're paying, mogul.

I hope
she likes water.

Now what am I going to do?
Stacy's in the building.

Well, you could move to Narnia
and run that branch,

you pathological liar.

Max, this is not
how I want people to see me,

or smell me,
quite frankly.

We have to get rid
of the salami, the chandelier,

and the Sophie.
This is our dream, not hers.

Okay, fine,
I'll tell her.

Hey, Sophie,
can we talk to you?

Good news, girls.

Now we sell scratchers.

But I have
even a better idea.

You two should dress up
as big cupcakes

and pass out free samples.

Sophie, Max has something
she wants to say to you.

Wait.

Girls, I have something
to say first.

[Sighs]

Two days ago, I was
on the verge of suicide.

Yeah, seriously,
I hadn't eaten all afternoon.

But your generosity
with your dream

has given me a reason
to get up and get a wax.

Yeah.

Oh. Max, there was something
you wanted to say?

I was going to say--

[laughs]

You look delicious.

I look like
Honey Boo Boo's mom at the prom.

This is so humiliating.

[Scoffs]
Now I know how Tyra felt

when she went undercover
as that fat person.

Please tell me
this is our bottom.

Well, it's your bottom.
I went to happy hour once

and woke up naked
in the penguin habitat

at the Bronx zoo.

And I did things.

Hey, girls.

What are you two doing
just standing there?

God gave cupcakes legs
for a reason.

You need
to hit the streets,

shake your cake maker,
and show people your goods.

Hey, don't look at me,
it's vanilla.

I was looking forward
to going up

to complete strangers
on the street

and saying "eat me,"
but she won't leave.

Well, if you're not going to
go out and get the customers,

then I'll have to bring
the customers to you.

I gotta do everything
around here.

Seriously, I can't believe
we're just standing here

when we could be chasing
fat people down the street,

yelling, "you ate my brother!"

Look at you two.

What I wouldn't give
for a giant glass of milk.

- [Laughs]
- Look at you, though.

You look so cute.

No, don't look at me.

I'm totally embarrassed
in this thing.

Yes, she's cute
and embarrassed,

in a larger-than-life,
colorful, public setting.

Ah, right.

So, Caroline, listen,
I wanted to--

Look, girls,
some young professionals.

Oh, my God!
She's bringing Stacy.

She can't see me in this.
I was her valedictorian.

Take this.

Oh! Ugh!
Oh! Wait.

Help me up, Max!
Help me up!

Oh, great.
Now you're like my mom.

Here, give me
your left hand.

[Groans] Okay,
give me your right hand.

Get up! Get up!
Five second rule.

[Grunts]

Ugh! [Sighs]

What are you two
crazy cakes doing?

You lost your customers.
They ran away.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I don't get it.

You won't push the hoagies
or the pickled eggs.

You must really
have a fear of success.

Well, at least
we missed Stacy.

Well, you know
what else you missed? Andy.

He was about to tell you
he loves you.

What?

Just now, in the hall,
and at the ice rink.

He's been trying
to tell you all week.

But I've been
too preoccupied with work,

like Sandra Bullock
in The Proposal.

So he was gonna tell me
at the ice rink?

The one in Central Park?

Yes, while having cocoa
and splitting a hot dog.

Oh, my God!

That's, like,
my dream "I love you" scenario.

Why didn't you
tell me sooner?

Because when it comes
to other people's

creepy love stuff, that's
when I'm a silent partner,

and you need to stop
with this creepy rom-com stuff.

Life isn't like a movie.

Sometimes you're not
a success right away

sometimes you have to just
eat it and be a cupcake,

and sometimes you have to
take your "I love you"

whichever way it comes.

You are so right.

I don't have to wait
for the moment to be perfect,

like it was
for Reese Witherspoon

in Sweet Home Alabama.

My life's
not a romantic comedy.

I can do it my own way.

Like Julia Roberts in
My Best Friend's Wedding.

Andy, it's me!

I'll be right out.

No, this can't wait
any longer.

I don't need
a big romantic comedy moment.

- No--
- [Grunts]

Oh!
Oh.

Oh, sorry.
I thought it was the office!

Not the office.

[Struggling]
I'm stuck.

Oh, I want to go,
but I can't.

And I'll never
be able to go again.

Well, I'm on the toilet
and you're in a cupcake.

Can't get creepier than this,
so, Caroline,

I love you.

I love you too.

Oh, please,
push me out.

How'd it go?
Was it romantic?

He told me he loved me
on the toilet.

Oh, man!
That's my dream scenario!

Hey.

I'm only gonna do this
for an hour,

to show you
how it's done,

and then I'm out.

This is your dream,
not mine.

Cupcakes!
Free cupcakes!

Come on, get 'em!

Get 'em while they're hot!