2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 24 - And Martha Stewart Have a Ball: Part 2 - full transcript

Previously on "2 Broke Girls"

No, this is invitation to
metropolitan museum annual gala.

Look at all the celebrities that
are on the list: Martha Stewart...

Chestnut!
Chestnut, hi, baby, hi.

Yes I have a new car
service and slogan

Laid back and I will ride you
'til you tell me to stop.

I think this is Johnny's art.
No way.

"No way" is right.
Johnny's a nobody.

Yo, what's the deal
with this art?

It's a street artist.

Everyone's getting
really into him now.

Oh, yeah?

He was trying to get into me
a few months ago.

And I came to say good-bye
because I'm

getting married...

Well, at least you and
your girlfriend worked it out

Actually, we broke up.

This is someone
I met a couple months ago.

Nothing ever
does work out for us.

And then I hear myself saying
all that ridiculous stuff

about us talking
to Martha Stewart at the gala.

I mean, what was that?
It's insane.

Is it?

I am talking about us
stalking Martha Stewart!

What else are we gonna
wear to the ball, Cinderella?

Are the rats in the alley gonna
whip us up some ball gowns?

I mean, it's not exactly
like we have a fairy godmother.

Hey, look, girls!

I got myself a crown
and a wand at Rhinestoned.

Sophie, this is
so generous of you

to offer to buy us dresses
for the gala,

but as much as my shoes
love being back

- in their place of birth...
- Oh, your shoes were born here?

Mine were born in China,
but I adopted them at payless.

Maybe we should
find something cheaper,

at one of
those consignment stores.

"Consignment stores"?

Come on,
what are we, gypsies?

This is big fancy ball.
We need ball gowns.

Never really been
a fan of balls.

In fact, always thought
they got in the way,

but here we are.

Well, we do have
to look amazing

if we're approaching
Martha Stewart with a cupcake,

so we'll find
a way to pay you back

and start by doing some
cleaning jobs for you for free.

No! Every year
I give money to charity,

and I like
you two girls

way more than the babies
with the broken smiles.

So don't worry.
I got plenty of cash.

Aww, a roll of hundreds.

Reminds me of my Christmas
stocking stuffers.

Yeah, this is fun day.

I'm like Richard Gere
and you're my two hookers.

Well, when you put it
like that,

I'm a little
more comfortable.

Good afternoon.
How can I help you?

Hi, how are you?
We don't have a lot of time.

We have to be
at work by 6:00.

Can you show us your best
formal spring couture?

Perhaps you ladies
might be more comfortable

down in ready-to-wear.

As I said,
we're in a bit of a rush.

We might move a little quicker
if you dropped the attitude

and picked up
some dresses.

Show her your wad.

Let's look
at some dresses.

Yeah, and get us
some champagne,

like in the movies.

♪ The patron, own,
let's go get it on ♪

♪ the zone, own,
yes, I'm in the zone ♪

♪ is it two, three,
leave a good tip ♪

♪ I'm-a blow off my money
and don't give two...♪

♪ I'm on the floor,
floor ♪

♪ I love to dance ♪

♪ so give me more, more ♪

♪ till I can't stand ♪

♪ get on the floor, floor ♪

♪ like it's your last chance ♪

♪ if you want more, more ♪

♪ then here I am ♪

♪ starships
were meant to fly ♪

♪ hands up
and touch the sky ♪

♪ can't stop,
'cause we're so high ♪

♪ let's do this
one more time ♪

♪ starships
were meant to fly ♪

♪ hands up
and touch the sky ♪

♪ let's do this
one last time ♪

♪ hands up ♪

♪ we're higher than
a mother...♪

♪ ♪

♪ higher than a mother...♪

♪ jump in my hoopty
hoopty hoop ♪

♪ I own that ♪

♪ and I ain't paying
my rent this month ♪

♪ I owe that ♪

♪ but... who you want
and... who you like ♪

♪ dance your life,
there's no end in sight ♪

♪ twinkle, twinkle,
little star ♪

♪ now, everybody,
let me hear you say ♪

♪ starships
were meant to fly ♪

♪ hands up
and touch the sky ♪

♪ starships
were meant to fly ♪

♪ hands up,
and touch the sky ♪

♪ let's do this
one more time ♪

♪ oh oh oh ♪

One, two.

Han, did you just go up
on your tiptoes like a big boy?

Well, I wasn't expecting
a photo opportunity.

And I left my tom cruise
man-heels at home.

Max, give him a break.

This is a man who was
too short to be a jockey.

Oleg, give me your camera.

I must approve picture.

We've taken it
three times already.

Han, if you want
a nip slip, just ask.

My dress is too pretty
for this conversation,

so I'm gonna go get the cupcake
from the refrigerator.

And I'm going to warm up
my new town car for the ladies.

New?
[Laughs]

What is this, 2002?

I hope so,

then I will have chance
to meet you for first time

all over again.

Now this is not
professional driver talk.

Hey, fancy ball Buster,
what's your deal?

You told him to get
a dream and a drive,

and he did.

Max, I have two sore spots.

Trusting men and...

And here, where that
crazy Jamaican

wove my extensions
too tight.

I'm thinking I should wait
to put the cupcake

in the cupcake purse
till we get out of the car.

We want our beer batter
maple bacon cupcake

to represent
our cupcake business.

We have a new record.

She cupcake four times
in one speech.

We should go.
Upper East Side from Brooklyn

at this time of day
is crazy.

But we came in here
to show Earl.

Maybe Earl decided
not to come

since he had the night off.

Max, we really should
be there at the start.

That's prime Martha Stewart
stalking time.

You're right.
And Martha will probably

have to leave early
to get up to bake;

A little something
I knows about.

The only difference
between Martha and I

is she probably doesn't
have to worry about

waking up her roommate
who lives

four feet from the oven.

But otherwise, twinsies!

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

Earl, slow down,
your heart.

Sorry I'm late, ladies.

But if I run any faster,
the cops

tend to pull guns on me.

Got held up
at the florist shop,

but I made it.
Here you go, ladies.

Aww, Earl,
you got us flowers?

Wrist corsages.

I hope they're still
in style.

They're a classic, Earl.

Like you.

Mmm, that was
worth the run.

Let's go, ladies.

Oleg is waiting
to drive you.

And you drive me crazy.

Yeah, yeah.
Tell it to the marines.

Here, Earl,
take my phone.

I can't fit it
in the purse with my cupcake.

Have the best time
in the world.

And say hello
to "huge" Jackman for me.

[Laughs]

[Engine rattling]

[Engine dying]

That is not a good sign.

That car is smoking harder
than Bob Marley

on a rasta holiday.

Sophie, if my cousin Yuri
said he would be here

in half hour
with parts to fix,

he will be here
in half hour.

Actually, it's been
40 minutes.

Your cousin is like you.

- He takes too long to come.
- Oh, this is news.

Suddenly a woman
wants a man to finish fast.

Oh, please.

Sex is not
a carnival cruise.

I'm a busy woman.

You get on,
you get off.

Can I get a hit off that?

We'll just have to wait,
I guess.

I mean, if I still lived
in Manhattan, I'd hail a cab.

But that's not gonna happen
out here in the boondocks!

Plus, even if we could
afford a cab,

we'd be stuck forever
in rush hour gridlock.

Could you take it down
a notch?

Hipsters are starting
to look at us

like we're trying too hard.

Where did han go?

He said he might
have a plan.

Oh, my lord and Taylor!

That little mother
can ride.

You two look like
two princesses in a fairy tale.

Are you feeling safe?

I couldn't feel any safer

if we were riding
a rubber into town.

Here we go.
Bye, guys.

- Bye.
- Go, Chestnut!

Oh, check it out.
You see what I see?

Hello, officers.

We're on way to the ball
down the street,

and we were wondering
if we could please leave

our horse with your horses?

And I can save you
the time

on the breathalyzer test;

No, we are not drunk

or on some bachelorette
party scavenger hunt.

Our car broke down
in Brooklyn,

so we rode over
the Brooklyn bridge and up.

You rode a horse
across the Brooklyn bridge?

That's badass.

Yes...
And illegal.

In that case,
we took the tunnel.

Well, I think we can help
you two ladies.

Not gonna happen, Dave.
We're on duty.

Officers, we're already
a little late.

And with all due respect,
we don't have time

to play good cop,
bad cop.

Or in your cases,
hot cop, hot cop.

Well, I think we can help
you ladies.

Let's get you down
off of there.

I got the one
in the low-cut.

Thanks officer hot
and officer hotter.

Max, I'm really impressed
with how well

you're maneuvering around
in that long skirt.

Yeah, I was a serving wench
at a medieval times restaurant.

It's a breeze
when I'm not carrying

a tray loaded
with Turkey legs and ale.

There's the "will call"
table.

Walk in front
and I'll hide behind you,

as I'm the most hated woman
in New York.

So basically,
I'm a human shield?

Well, you have more up here
to stop anything.

- Max!
- What?

Did someone pull a gun?

I knew that
was gonna happen.

No, I screamed because
I saw the couple

whose sworn statement
put my father in prison.

Max!

Acid in your pretty face?

Sorry, I stayed up
all night reading

what people want to do
to you in your hate mail.

What was it?

I went down so fast,
I may have smeared my cupcake.

That's the filthiest sounding
clean thing I ever heard.

It's fine. Good.

Now let's go get those cheap
plastic security bracelets

that ruin
our expensive gowns.

- Can I get your name?
- Caroline...

[Whispers]
Channing.

I'm sorry, what?

Caroline...

[Quietly]
Channing.

What's with you?
Just say your name.

Channing.

Did you say channing?
Caroline channing?

Wait, are you
that Caroline channing?

Shh, yes, and I personally
called the R.S.V.P. number.

It has to be there.

Channing,
channing, channing...

No, I don't see
"Caroline channing."

Shh.
Maybe it's under my name.

Max black.
I'm with her.

Black... no, no, no,
I don't see any blacks here.

You mean besides
the ones working security?

Let me check with Paul Platt,
the party planner.

He's on the phone
with him right now.

Hey, Brody.
Both: Oh, no.

There's a problem
with the list.

She's not on it.
Her.

- Caroline channing.
- Sh

Paul, I've got
Caroline channing,

and she's not on the list.

If everybody in this line
could just wait until

we get the Caroline channing
situation under control...

If you say "channing"
one more time,

I'm going to actually
pull your voice box out.

And its s so much
more violent than it sounds.

Yes, Paul,
I'll tell them.

There's been
a little mix-up.

Five more minutes
will get you right in.

[Whispering]
You're not getting in.

Well, that's it.
We tried.

- We gave it our best shot.
- Oh, no.

This is the closest
I have ever gotten

to anything in my life
almost working out.

- We are not giving up.
- How are we getting in?

- Security's everywhere.
- Yeah, out here,

but not
at the servers' entrance.

I catered this
last year.

That's right,
we're going backdoor.

Ooh!

That lady
just punched me.

I knew
that was gonna happen!

So you can
just walk in here?

Anyone can
just walk right in?

Well, it helps
that last year

I made out with
the tent flap guard, Rico,

but basically,
yeah, anyone.

When I think
of all the times

I left my purse
on a table here unattended,

I shudder...
Shudder.

Okay, so we can't
get in the actual building

without being caterers,

so we have to change
into those uniforms.

Wait.

You never mentioned
anything about

a rent-a-clothes
situation.

Small price to pay
for us making it.

Is it? Is it
a small price to pay?

Hurry, we have
a superstar to stalk!

I thought I would hate it,
but I'm kind of into it.

I'm very Janelle Monae.

No, you're Janelle
I-have-no-Monae.

What are we going to do
with our dresses?

We can't leave them out here.
I need them inside.

I have to look amazing
when I meet Martha Stewart.

What does it matter
what we're wearing?

We're still going to be
the two crazy girls

chasing her down
with a cupcake.

- That's why it matters.
- Oh, ooh!

I know.
Here.

Help me get
the shelves out of this.

We can hang
our dresses in here

and push them in.
Brilliant.

Kind of like the Louis Vuitton
travel wardrobe I used to have.

Or the service elevator
I was born in.

Coming through, hot food.

Look out, very hot!
Man, it's hot.

You're a waiter,
not a weatherman.

Hey, pretty girls,

I like the way you push around
that big steel box

why don't you come over here
and I'll have sex with you?

A display like that
really makes you appreciate

oleg's nuanced wit.

Okay, let's go right
to the ladies room

so we can change.

Is it that way
or that way?

What?

Shh, Johnny!

How'd he get invited?

This used to be
an exclusive event.

He's "made it,"

he goes where
"made it" people go.

Why are we hiding
from that lowlife?

If he sees me
in another waiter uniform,

I'm the sad girl
always in the uniform.

If he sees me
in that dress at the ball,

he can suck it.

Ladies room, that way.

The ladies room
is right down here.

Push harder. Harder!

Do you want Martha
to see you dressed like that?

- Move! Coming through!
- Excuse us.

Food emergency.

Fingers, fingers,
fingers, fingers.

Coming through,
coming through.

- Excuse us.
- Look alive, red!

- I almost hit you.
- Hold up.

Now just hold up.
What is going on right now?

You can't bring
food in here.

Oh, it's not food.
That would be weird.

It's dresses.
We have to change into these,

'cause she has this guy
she wants to impress,

and I have to change
into it

because I'm stalking
Martha Stewart.

Ooh, I'd be
a terrible spy.

Usually I don't get
the long stories

till the end of the night,

and by then,
the girls are crying

and begging me
for Wisdom and tic tacs.

I'll go first.

I have to get two of these
in one dress.

Miss, do you have
a shoehorn?

Come on,
chanel shoes!

Come on,
chanel knockoffs.

Why are you
not dressed yet?

'Cause ladies take forever.

It's all the spanx.

Well, go, use my stall.
I want to go stick my head out,

and see if I
can scope out Johnny.

No, ma'am, no!
Not fair, ma'am.

Try the handicapper.
This side.

Good idea.

I cannot
get a break tonight.

- Psst, yo, Max.
- Johnny!

Who are you looking for?

The Dominos guy.

I was hiding in there,
'cause five more minutes,

the pizza's free.

I was hoping
I'd run into you.

Eh, no big deal.

Pretty big deal.
You look amazing.

Amazing. I will go
as far as amaze-balls.

Thanks.

You look like a guy
in a commercial

who has a ring and puppy
hidden somewhere.

Can you believe it?

We're both
at this shmancy thing.

Look how far we've gotten.

Actually,
when you think about it,

we didn't get
very far at all.

Nope, you're right.
We didn't.

Yeah, why?

Timing, I guess.

Timing?

Okay, whatever.

You know, from now on,
when I think of you,

I'm gonna think of you in this
and not the uniform.

You know,
from now on,

maybe you shouldn't
think of me at all.

Gotta go,
Mr. Manhattan.

That was awesome!
Caroline, where are you?

I'm almost dressed.

I just had the perfect
in-your-face good-bye

with Johnny.

And speaking of
"in your face,"

he couldn't take his eyes
off my boobs...

Boobs that
he can never have,

now that
he's getting married.

[Sighs]

Damn, girl, you look good.
What you doing later?

Can I get your number?

Oh, no, the cupcake got
a little smushed in my purse.

We can't show this
to Martha Stewart now.

Sure, we can.

You think she never
had a cupcake smush on her?

[Scoffs]
I doubt that very much.

Martha Stewart
is perfect.

Her feet don't even
touch the ground.

The woman probably doesn't
even go to the bathroom.

[Toilet flushing]

Martha Stewart's
hardly perfect.

And how are you
this evening?

No, you're right,
Martha Stewart isn't perfect.

Oh, I never said that!

In fact, I hear
she's a real ballbuster.

You did not hear that.

Yep, a real ballbuster,
you know?

No, I do not know.

Would you mind handing me
a towelette please?

Oh, one's fine.
Thank you so much.

But the fact that Martha
Stewart is so tough...

Caroline, you need
to get out here right now.

The fact that she
is a real ballbuster...

Oh, dear God, help me.

Is what I like
and respect about her.

I mean,
the woman's a genius.

Now it's getting
interesting.

And besides, you can't
really believe gossip.

Look at all
that hate mail I got

with people
calling me a bitch,

and I'm not a bitch.

Well, that's debatable.

- Martha Stewart, hi.
- Hello.

I'm Caroline, and this is
my business partner, Max,

and we have
a start-up cupcake business.

Dude, are you serious?
You're still going for it.

I know this is
highly inappropriate,

but we brought
a cupcake here tonight

in hopes that
you might taste it.

So you want me
to taste your cupcake

in the ladies room.

What's inappropriate
about that?

We're a start-up business.
We've got to take risks.

This is Max.
She's the baker.

You're the baker.

[Weakly]
I'm the baker.

Hm, it looks
quite appealing.

Oh, my God.

I know this
is a social event,

so I'm so sorry
for making it about business.

When you're in business
for yourself,

you have
to take every situation

as a business opportunity.

Look, I have
five of these in here.

I love your magazine.

I read every single issue

until they realized I didn't
even go to that doctor.

Well, in spite
of the fact

that you have not
yet washed your hands...

I was just changing
my dress in there.

- I'll taste it.
- You will?

I like
your entrepreneurial drive.

And I have a feeling
that it's actually

the only way I'm gonna
get out of here alive.

That is our beer batter maple
bacon spring break cupcake.

- Hm, clever name.
- Thank you.

It is a little smushed,
though. That's unfortunate.

I told you.

Mmm.
Quiet tasty.

I like it.

Do you girls have a card?

Get it out, get it out,
get it out.

Ah, thank you very much.

"Max's homemade cupcakes."

Well, you know who'd
really like that cupcake?

Stoners.

She said
"Max's homemade cupcakes."

Both: Martha Stewart
likes our cupcakes!

Martha Stewart
likes our cupcakes!