2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 1, Episode 23 - And Martha Stewart Have a Ball: Part 1 - full transcript

Wow! Bummer, dude.

You have a time machine?

And somehow, it got programmed
to this crap diner?

I must admit, I am
quite taken with steampunk.

Oh, steampunk, right.
I remember that trend.

It happened for,
like, ten seconds

back in 2000
and-are-you-kidding-me?

Dude, seriously,
you're sitting

in a public place
tap-tap-tapping

on an oldie typewriter?

What are you?

In the league of extraordinarily
pretentious gentlemen?

Aren't you being
a little aggressive?

Yup.

That's how people are
here in the present

where we live.

But don't get me wrong.

I'd like to go
back in time, too.

Maybe stop 9/11 or that creep
who had sex on my shoe,

but I can't.

Present?
Where's that uniform from?

Like, 1998?

Oh, stop,
or I'm going to have

to shoot you
with a Smith & Wesson

I'm currently packing
in my bloomers.

I'll go get thee a menu,
my good man.

attention, everyone.

Max and I have a little
late-night treat for you.

Don't say it
all excited like that.

Now when it's not drugs,
Earl's going to be pissed.

You are invited
to a very important taste-test

of Max's homemade cupcakes.

Okay,
but I will have only one.

When I get a tummy,
single ladies call me Buddha

and rub me for luck.

I gotta watch out, too.

Last time I had Max's
chocolate espresso cupcake

before going home,

I was awake
till 5:00 A.M.,

hand washing all my thongs.

Thongs?
Earl, you devil.

That's right, just because
there's snow on the roof

doesn't mean there's
not swing in the sling.

Oh, Caroline, darling.
Can you go back over there?

I forgot my racing form.

Oh, horse racing?
It reminds me of Chestnut.

Max... Chestnut.

What's with the sad face?

Your horse is living it up
at a fancy stable nearby.

Not gone to the great stud farm
in the sky.

Did someone say
"stud farm"?

My fee is $10 a quart or $15
if you want a boy.

Wow.

You bounced back from your
Sophie breakup pretty quick.

It was not
a real breakup.

I will have her
very soon again.

Right now, I lay low
and wait in bushes

like determined jungle cat.

Or a rapist.

Racing forms,
here you go.

Earl,
maybe some time

you will take me out
to the track with you.

I used to ride horses
all the time in Korea.

The mechanical ones
for a quarter

in front of
supermarkets?

Actually, Max,
I'm a very good rider.

In fact, I was training
to be a jockey

but was too short.

Too short
to be a jockey?

That's a hard hit,
my man.

Han, I had no idea
you loved horses, too.

Why didn't you
ever say anything?

Well, why didn't you ever ask
about any of my interests?

I'll tell you why.

Because all you ever talk about
is "our cupcake business,"

our cupcake business."

Doesn't your cd
have other tracks?

Anyway,
our cupcake business

has a very important
meeting tomorrow

with Paul Platt,
the party planner.

I know
a party planner, too.

He sells J .Lo.
and Salma Hayek Pinatas

off back of truck
for Cinco de Mayo.

Awesome.
Put me down for a Hayek.

More storage space
for candy.

Well, our party planner
is the it guy in Manhattan.

And tomorrow,
Max and I are doing

a tasting for him
at his office.

How can someone be too short
to be a jockey?

Isn't that
the whole point?

Are you all right, Max?

I got here
as fast as I could.

Caroline texted me
to hurry over

because you didn't know
you were pregnant,

and you were giving
birth over toilet.

So I grabbed
my plunger and ran!

That is insane.
I never texted that.

No, I did,
when I stole your phone.

I needed a reason
to get Sophie over here.

I can't believe
she believed it.

Oh, come on, Max.
Giving birth over toilet?

That is very you.

Now that you are here,
Sophie, sit.

I want to tell you
something important.

Well, you can forget that.

There's no way
I'm going to stay.

A cupcake party?

Oh, look, and this one
even has a pretzel in it.

Yup, that's
our "salty n' spice"

for our more
adventurous customers.

Also for
the uptight white people,

we have
the very, very vanilla

which is... big surprise...
My favorite.

And this is our beer-batter
maple bacon

spring break cupcake.

That's for stoners,
and big surprise, my favorite.

Well, I have
some big news

I want to share with you
all as well.

Sophie, that classy lady
right over there...

Mm, I like this one.

She recently
broke it off with me

because she wanted
to be with a man

who had a dream
and a drive.

So I have bought
a drive...

A Lincoln town car.

Yes, I have a new car service
and slogan:

"Lie back and I will ride you
till you tell me to stop."

So, oleg, you now have
a town car business?

And Sophie,
you rent town cars all the time.

Oh, oh, please.

I mean, I love pizza, too,
but that doesn't mean

I have to marry papa John.

I was just thinking,
you might want to come out back

and take a look at the light-up
makeup mirror on visors.

Light-up makeup mirror?

Oh, I might be interested.

But not just you and I.

Han will come as well.

Finally! Han is getting
invited to something.

Other than LinkedIn.

- So much for the taste test.
- It's fine.

I know what's best
for our cupcake business.

I do say that a lot,

but I think
it's kind of charming.

I'll go get our coats.

Mm, mm, mm.
Look at you.

I must say, I'm impressed
with how far you've come.

Well, you burn
a few thousand cupcakes,

you're bound
to get better.

Not just the cupcakes, Max.

Look how far you've come.

When I think of that girl
who came in here

just looking to get by...

Hey, and check you out now.

Big, fancy meeting in Manhattan.
Lordy lord!

- It's only a meeting, Earl.
- Maybe.

But if you were
one of these horses,

I'd put all
of my money on you, Max.

Paul Platt parties.
Please hold.

Paul Platt parties.
Please hold.

Paul Platt parties.
Please hold.

Poor kid.

If I had that job,
I'd be asking someone

to please hold a gun
to my head.

He's probably excited
to be working for Paul Platt.

Look at
all these magazines

calling him
the next Martha Stewart.

Someday, we'll have
articles about us.

You know,
pictures of you and me

standing outside
our country home.

Hold on.

We're rich and still
living together?

Okay, she's leaving.
This is us.

About time.

Been sitting here so long
my ass is asleep,

which kind of goes against
my theory that it won't quit.

Hi, Paul's going to be
a little longer.

It's fine.
It's just...

Paul Platt parties,
please hold.

- Paul Platt parties...
- How much longer...

- Please hold.
- Me or them?

I got the ass
pins and needles.

- Max.
- What? We're on hold.

Have a seat.
Five more minutes.

Paul Platt parties.

The word "party"
at a party planner's?

Little obvious.

Like me having art that says
"will die alone."

Wait.

I think this is Johnny's art.
No way.

"No way" is right.
Johnny's a nobody.

Paul Platt wouldn't have
a framed "Johnny" in his office.

Look, signed "j. Peg."
That's his tag.

Yo, what's the deal
with this art?

It's a street artist.

Everyone's getting
really into him now.

Oh, yeah?

He was trying to get into me
a few months ago.

It was more emotional
than that.

He cheated on
his girlfriend with her

and then blew her off.

It was really hard
for us.

And you thought
me slapping my ass

in front of him
was inappropriate?

- Wow, Johnny made it.
- Well, good for him.

He's making it,
we're making it...

We're making it?

I magic-markered
over the scuffs on my boot,

and we can't
even get past

the poor man's John Cusack
over there.

Max, we are making it.

We've come a long way.

We haven't used
Starbucks napkins

for toilet paper
in months.

And now,
look where we are.

We've got a meeting
with Paul Platt.

Say it:
"We're making it."

I'm serious.
Say it, Max.

We are making it.

Okay, we're making it.

- Caroline channing.
- This is us!

- Ahh.
- What, five more minutes?

Monday at 4:00.
Something came up.

Oh, okay.
Well, Monday at 4:00.

There's no Monday at 4:00.

He said Monday at 4:00.
Monday at 4:00, right?

Absolutely.
Monday at 4:00.

There is no Monday at 4:00.

I'm confused.
Is there a Monday at 4:00?

In the books, Monday at 4:00.
Paul can't wait.

There is
no Monday at 4:00.

I don't understand.
Are we coming in Monday at 4:00?

Absolutely.
Paul's a big fan.

Don't come in on Monday.

Can you please tell me
what's going on?

See, it's this news
about your father being moved

to a cushy white collar
prison this week.

Paul can't have anything to do
with someone named channing,

'cause everyone
in New York is pissed.

Look at all that.
It never stops.

How much more of this
do I have to take?

So we'll see you
on Monday!

Don't come.

I woke my ass up
for this?

Mmm.
This was delicious, Max.

Here's a $20.
Keep the change.

What are you doing,
Sophie?

You don't pay
for the cupcakes.

No, take it
for your business.

Ever since your big
party planner meeting went bust,

I was worried
that you two girls

might form
a joint suicide pact.

Nah, we're
not that organized.

So how's Caroline today?

She's handling it all
better than I thought.

She's with her father's
lawyer right now,

trying to figure out
the best time for her

to go out to the prison
to see him before he's moved.

Oh, that is my new phone.

You know there's a phone
stuck to that gay furby, right?

Yes, this is from my
favorite store on 14th street,

rhinestoned.

Oh, it's just a text
from my driver.

He's waiting out front.

Why don't you
just invite oleg inside?

I'm not sure yet
he deserves to come inside.

Well, from what I heard,
he's already come inside.

Oh, Max, I love it
when you're dirty!

Hey, how'd it go?

Well, according
to my father's lawyer,

the prison is surrounded
by so much press

that daddy doesn't want me
to come out there

and be exploited
all over again.

Why is he still
the only news story out there?

Well, the good news is,

your hair
is especially shiny today.

It is?
Thanks, Sophie.

So try not
to kill yourself.

Well, if I didn't kill myself
reading these in the car,

I won't.
Hate mail.

It was being held
at my old P.O. box.

My father's lawyer
picked it up for me.

Why didn't he just punch you
in the face and call it a day?

I know, it's like the end of
miracle on 34th street,

only everyone's
calling me a bitch.

Oh, come on, not everyone
is calling you a bitch.

"Dear bitch,
I hate you."

"If I ever see you
on the street, I will..."

Shake your hand
and wish you well,

as you have been through
so very much.

That is not
what that says.

It might be.

It's hard to read
his actual words,

as they are
written in blood.

Oh, look how fancy.
This is not hate mail.

No, this is invitation to
metropolitan museum annual gala.

It is?

This is my favorite social event
in all of New York.

I've gone every year
since I was 18.

It's a fashion ball
at the museum of art...

Yeah, I know
what it is.

- I catered it last year.
- Max, how weird.

We were probably
right in the very same room.

Then there's a good chance
I spit in your drink.

Not really, unless you were
acting all prissy and demanding.

There's a good chance
you spit in my drink.

Well, see?
This is happy news.

No, as much as I want to,
I can't go.

Everybody hates me.

And much worse,
I have nothing to wear,

and if you're gonna be hated,
you better look damn good.

I give up. That invitation
finally broke me.

Why are you
pulling down your bed?

Because I don't have
a door to slam.

Hell, I don't even
have a door!

Everything's
been taken away, Max...

My fortune,
my business career,

my social life,
my sweet, sweet horse.

Okay, take a nap.
You're upset.

You have
a good reason to be.

A good reason?

I say she has
200, 300 good reasons.

I mean, read these.

These are like
letters to the devil.

I'm just going to get in there
and never get out.

Close it up, Max.
Put me in the wall.

No, it's really hard to
close it when you're in there.

I've tried.

Look, I know
it's not even remotely close

to what you had before,

but we do have
our cupcake business

and our purple stove,
and we do have $922.

And we're gonna make it.

Wall me.

Come on, all you need
is a big, glamorous party.

I mean, look at
all the celebrities

that are on the list:
Martha Stewart,

Justin Timberlake...

Ooh, Hugh Jackman!

Oh, I like to call him
"huge" Jackman,

because I bet
he has a big penis.

Wall me.

Thank you, sir.

Welcome home, buddy.

As you can see,
we haven't put the pool in yet.

We'll get to it.

Tree, grill, shovel...
Usual cast of characters.

Now, I am going
to take you in to her,

but I should warn you.

She hasn't been
out of bed for two days,

and that means no tooth brushing
and it's bad up in there.

I'm pretty sure horses
have a keen sense of smell,

so just be prepared.

I missed you, too.

Max, I'm trying to sleep.
Take your boots off.

Caroline,
I have something for you.

Go away.
I'm dead.

Jeez, and you said
my breath was bad.

You have a visitor,
someone you love.

Chestnut!
Chestnut, hi, baby, hi.

How did he get here?

I went to peach
and told her

it was a matter
of life and death

and we had
to have him back.

And what,
she just gave him back to you?

Well, I did have to agree
to come back and babysit

one day a week
for the rest of my life,

but hell, Chestnut's home.

Max, thank you so much.
You brought me back to life.

Oh, my God,
don't exhale on me.

Your breath is like you
went down on a brussels sprout.

Tip your head that way.

Chestnut, Chestnut.

Don't breathe
on him either!

His whole head is a nose.
He can't handle that.

Chestnut's home.

Hey, Earl.
Long time, no see.

Well, well, well,
Johnny.

If it isn't
the famous street artist.

Well, I'm hardly famous.

You got that right.

My remark was
laced with sarcasm.

Can you tell Max
I'm here?

That depends.
Are you still a two-timing bum?

That's his name,
don't wear it out.

Hiya, slugger.

Can you do me a favor
and call Earl off?

I may be on day six
of my p90x,

but I'm in no shape to take on
a heavyweight like him.

It's okay, Earl, we're cool.

Well, I am.
He's just riding my fumes.

So, uh,
where's your section?

- Counter.
- Hm, same ol', same ol'.

Johnny's in the diner.

Why is he here?
It can't be to eat.

He's "made it."
He eats "made it food" now.

Well, obviously,
he's here to see you.

Or else he won the award for
biggest lying jerk in New York,

and this is the first stop
on his press tour.

Well, I don't know
why he's here,

but you better
come with me.

He looks really good,
so I'm not listening

to a thing coming out of
his pretty mouth.

Well, I was gonna
ask what the specials were,

but you know what?
Can I actually just get

one of Max's
homemade cupcakes?

- Okay, which flavor?
- Surprise me.

Kind of like how you surprised
her with your girlfriend?

Okay, I'm starting
to get a vibe here,

and that's why I came in,
because I feel bad,

the way things
went down between us,

and I came to say good-bye
because I'm moving.

Oh, moving.
To where?

- Manhattan.
- Manhattan?

That hardly calls
for a good-bye speech.

It's over there.

Yeah, I know,
but it's a big change for me,

and we're not going
to be rolling

in the same circles
anymore,

and I'm getting married...
Over there.

Well, at least you and
your girlfriend worked it out.

Actually, we broke up.

This is someone
I met a couple months ago.

I was only
watching his lips,

but did they just say
what I think they said?

Well, there's your cupcake.
That'll be $5.

The price has gone up.
Yeah, we're successful now.

In fact, we may be working
with Martha Stewart.

Caroline knows her
from, you know, before.

We're gonna talk it over
with her

at the met gala ball
that Caroline got invited to.

Martha's on the committee.
Caroline goes every year.

Not a big deal.

My first time.
Not a big deal either.

In fact, none of it's
a big deal,

just two girls
who are making it

but who choose to stay
in Brooklyn 'cause we're cool.

That's awesome, Max.
That's awesome.

It's just funny,
because whenever I think of you,

I think of you in this diner
in that uniform.

In a good way.

You want money now?

Yeah.
It's business.

It's not like we had
a relationship or anything.

In fact,
you can pay Caroline.

She's the money.
I'm the artist.

You know, I'm doing pretty
well as an artist myself.

I've been selling
a lot of my stuff.

Really?
We hadn't heard.

And there's your cupcake.

In case you didn't notice,
that container's to go.

Got it.

He's gone.
I got rid of him.

Max?

What are you doing?

Punching cheesecakes.

It's my version
of going to bed for two days.

Are you more upset
about the marriage thing

or the uniform thing?

Oh, this isn't about Johnny.
I'm mad at the cheesecakes.

They were supposed
to have cherries on top,

and I wanted cherries!

Why not me?

Okay, maybe it's half
no cherries, half Johnny.

Nothing ever
does work out for us.

And then I hear myself saying
all that ridiculous stuff

about us talking
to Martha Stewart at the gala.

I mean, what was that?
It's insane.

Is it?

Wait, seriously, is it?

Or is it just insane enough
to be genius?

Max, we have the invitation.
She'll be there.

Why are we wasting our time
with Paul Platt

when we can
meet the real thing?

We can take Martha
our best cupcake,

explain our situation,

and maybe...
Maybe she'll talk to us.

I mean, she was a girl
with a dream once, too,

and she certainly
understands hard times.

You are talking about us
stalking Martha Stewart.

I am talking about us
stalking Martha Stewart!

I even have my gorgeous Judith
leiber jeweled cupcake purse

to smuggle the cupcake in.
It's perfect.

I knew there was a reason
I took that from the townhouse.

Great, you have a cupcake
and a cupcake purse.

What else are we gonna
wear to the ball, cinderella?

Are the rats in the alley gonna
whip us up some ball gowns?

I mean, it's not exactly
like we have a fairy godmother.

Hey, look, girls!

I got myself a crown
and a wand at rhinestoned.

I'll have the soup
in my booth.

Well, this is as close
to a fairytale

as you and I are ever gonna get,
so what the hell?

Max, does that mean
we're gonna find

a way to go to the ball?

Oh, yeah.
Get your cupcake on,

'cause we're gonna
get balled.

Sophie, this is
so generous of you

to offer to buy us dresses
for the gala,

but as much as my shoes
love being back

- in their place of birth...
- Oh, your shoes were born here?

Mine were born in China,
but I adopted them at payless.

Maybe we should
find something cheaper,

at one of
those consignment stores.

"Consignment stores"?

Come on,
what are we, gypsies?

This is big fancy ball.
We need ball gowns.

Never really been
a fan of balls.

In fact, always thought
they got in the way,

but here we are.

Well, we do have
to look amazing

if we're approaching
Martha Stewart with a cupcake,

so we'll find
a way to pay you back

and start by doing some
cleaning jobs for you for free.

No! Every year
I give money to charity,

and I like
you two girls

way more than the babies
with the broken smiles.

So don't worry.
I got plenty of cash.

Aww, a roll of hundreds.

Reminds me of my Christmas
stocking stuffers.

Yeah, this is fun day.

I'm like Richard Gere
and you're my two hookers.

Well, when you put it
like that,

I'm a little
more comfortable.

Good afternoon.
How can I help you?

Hi, how are you?
We don't have a lot of time.

We have to be
at work by 6:00.

Can you show us your best
formal spring couture?

Perhaps you ladies
might be more comfortable

down in ready-to-wear.

As I said,
we're in a bit of a rush.

We might move a little quicker
if you dropped the attitude

and picked up
some dresses.

Show her your wad.

Let's look
at some dresses.

Yeah, and get us
some champagne,

like in the movies.

# The patron, own,
let's go get it on #

# the zone, own,
yes, I'm in the zone #

# is it two, three,
leave a good tip #

# I'm-a blow off my money
and don't give two...#

# I'm on the floor,
floor #

# I love to dance #

# so give me more, more #

# till I can't stand #

# get on the floor, floor #

# like it's your last chance #

# if you want more, more #

# then here I am #

# starships
were meant to fly #

# hands up
and touch the sky #

# can't stop,
'cause we're so high #

# let's do this
one more time #

# starships
were meant to fly #

# hands up
and touch the sky #

# let's do this
one last time #

# hands up #

# we're higher than
a mother...#

# #

# higher than a mother...#

# jump in my hoopty
hoopty hoop #

# I own that #

# and I ain't paying
my rent this month #

# I owe that #

# but... who you want
and... who you like #

# dance your life,
there's no end in sight #

# twinkle, twinkle,
little star #

# now, everybody,
let me hear you say #

# starships
were meant to fly #

# hands up
and touch the sky #

# starships
were meant to fly #

# hands up,
and touch the sky #

# let's do this
one more time #

# oh oh oh #

One, two.

Han, did you just go up
on your tiptoes like a big boy?

Well, I wasn't expecting
a photo opportunity.

And I left my tom cruise
man-heels at home.

Max, give him a break.

This is a man who was
too short to be a jockey.

Oleg, give me your camera.

I must approve picture.

We've taken it
three times already.

Han, if you want
a nip slip, just ask.

My dress is too pretty
for this conversation,

so I'm gonna go get the cupcake
from the refrigerator.

And I'm going to warm up
my new town car for the ladies.

New?

What is this, 2002?

I hope so,

then I will have chance
to meet you for first time

all over again.

Now this is not
professional driver talk.

Hey, fancy ball Buster,
what's your deal?

You told him to get
a dream and a drive,

and he did.

Max, I have two sore spots.

Trusting men and...

And here, where that
crazy Jamaican

wove my extensions
too tight.

I'm thinking I should wait
to put the cupcake

in the cupcake purse
till we get out of the car.

We want our beer batter
maple bacon cupcake

to represent
our cupcake business.

We have a new record.

She cupcake four times
in one speech.

We should go.
Upper East Side from Brooklyn

at this time of day
is crazy.

But we came in here
to show Earl.

Maybe Earl decided
not to come

since he had the night off.

Max, we really should
be there at the start.

That's prime Martha Stewart
stalking time.

You're right.
And Martha will probably

have to leave early
to get up to bake;

A little something
I knows about.

The only difference
between Martha and I

is she probably doesn't
have to worry about

waking up her roommate
who lives

four feet from the oven.

But otherwise, twinsies!

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

Earl, slow down,
your heart.

Sorry I'm late, ladies.

But if I run any faster,
the cops

tend to pull guns on me.

Got held up
at the florist shop,

but I made it.
Here you go, ladies.

Aww, Earl,
you got us flowers?

Wrist corsages.

I hope they're still
in style.

They're a classic, Earl.

Like you.

Mmm, that was
worth the run.

Let's go, ladies.

Oleg is waiting
to drive you.

And you drive me crazy.

Yeah, yeah.
Tell it to the marines.

Here, Earl,
take my phone.

I can't fit it
in the purse with my cupcake.

Have the best time
in the world.

And say hello
to "huge" Jackman for me.

That is not a good sign.

That car is smoking harder
than Bob Marley

on a rasta holiday.

Sophie, if my cousin Yuri
said he would be here

in half hour
with parts to fix,

he will be here
in half hour.

Actually, it's been
40 minutes.

Your cousin is like you.

- He takes too long to come.
- Oh, this is news.

Suddenly a woman
wants a man to finish fast.

Oh, please.

Sex is not
a carnival cruise.

I'm a busy woman.

You get on,
you get off.

Can I get a hit off that?

We'll just have to wait,
I guess.

I mean, if I still lived
in Manhattan, I'd hail a cab.

But that's not gonna happen
out here in the boondocks!

Plus, even if we could
afford a cab,

we'd be stuck forever
in rush hour gridlock.

Could you take it down
a notch?

Hipsters are starting
to look at us

like we're trying too hard.

Where did han go?

He said he might
have a plan.

Oh, my lord and Taylor!

That little mother
can ride.

You two look like
two princesses in a fairy tale.

Are you feeling safe?

I couldn't feel any safer

if we were riding
a rubber into town.

Here we go.
Bye, guys.

- Bye.
- Go, Chestnut!

Oh, check it out.
You see what I see?

Hello, officers.

We're on way to the ball
down the street,

and we were wondering
if we could please leave

our horse with your horses?

And I can save you
the time

on the breathalyzer test;

No, we are not drunk

or on some bachelorette
party scavenger hunt.

Our car broke down
in Brooklyn,

so we rode over
the Brooklyn bridge and up.

You rode a horse
across the Brooklyn bridge?

That's badass.

Yes...
And illegal.

In that case,
we took the tunnel.

Well, I think we can help
you two ladies.

Not gonna happen, Dave.
We're on duty.

Officers, we're already
a little late.

And with all due respect,
we don't have time

to play good cop,
bad cop.

Or in your cases,
hot cop, hot cop.

Well, I think we can help
you ladies.

Let's get you down
off of there.

I got the one
in the low-cut.

Thanks officer hot
and officer hotter.

You know I'm officer hotter,
right?

Oh, come on, man.
Have you seen me

in my sunglasses?
No contest.

Max, I'm really impressed
with how well

you're maneuvering around
in that long skirt.

Yeah, I was a serving wench
at a medieval times restaurant.

It's a breeze
when I'm not carrying

a tray loaded
with Turkey legs and ale.

There's the "will call"
table.

Walk in front
and I'll hide behind you,

as I'm the most hated woman
in New York.

So basically,
I'm a human shield?

Well, you have more up here
to stop anything.

- Max!
- What?

Did someone pull a gun?

I knew that
was gonna happen.

No, I screamed because
I saw the couple

whose sworn statement
put my father in prison.

Max!

Acid in your pretty face?

Sorry, I stayed up
all night reading

what people want to do
to you in your hate mail.

What was it?

I went down so fast,
I may have smeared my cupcake.

That's the filthiest sounding
clean thing I ever heard.

It's fine. Good.

Now let's go get those cheap
plastic security bracelets

that ruin
our expensive gowns.

- Can I get your name?
- Caroline...

Channing.

I'm sorry, what?

Caroline...

Channing.

What's with you?
Just say your name.

Channing.

Did you say channing?
Caroline channing?

Wait, are you
that Caroline channing?

Shh, yes, and I personally
called the R.S.V.P. number.

It has to be there.

Channing,
channing, channing...

No, I don't see
"Caroline channing."

Shh.
Maybe it's under my name.

Max black.
I'm with her.

Black... no, no, no,
I don't see any blacks here.

You mean besides
the ones working security?

Let me check with Paul Platt,
the party planner.

He's on the phone
with him right now.

Hey, Brody.
Both: Oh, no.

There's a problem
with the list.

She's not on it.
Her.

- Caroline channing.
- Sh

Paul, I've got
Caroline channing,

and she's not on the list.

If everybody in this line
could just wait until

we get the Caroline channing
situation under control...

If you say "channing"
one more time,

I'm going to actually
pull your voice box out.

And its s so much
more violent than it sounds.

Yes, Paul,
I'll tell them.

There's been
a little mix-up.

Five more minutes
will get you right in.

You're not getting in.

Well, that's it.
We tried.

- We gave it our best shot.
- Oh, no.

This is the closest
I have ever gotten

to anything in my life
almost working out.

- We are not giving up.
- How are we getting in?

- Security's everywhere.
- Yeah, out here,

but not
at the servers' entrance.

I catered this
last year.

That's right,
we're going backdoor.

Ooh!

That lady
just punched me.

I knew
that was gonna happen!

So you can
just walk in here?

Anyone can
just walk right in?

Well, it helps
that last year

I made out with
the tent flap guard, Rico,

but basically,
yeah, anyone.

When I think
of all the times

I left my purse
on a table here unattended,

I shudder...
Shudder.

Okay, so we can't
get in the actual building

without being caterers,

so we have to change
into those uniforms.

Wait.

You never mentioned
anything about

a rent-a-clothes
situation.

Small price to pay
for us making it.

Is it? Is it
a small price to pay?

Hurry, we have
a superstar to stalk!

I thought I would hate it,
but I'm kind of into it.

I'm very Janelle Monae.

No, you're Janelle
I-have-no-Monae.

What are we going to do
with our dresses?

We can't leave them out here.
I need them inside.

I have to look amazing
when I meet Martha Stewart.

What does it matter
what we're wearing?

We're still going to be
the two crazy girls

chasing her down
with a cupcake.

- That's why it matters.
- Oh, ooh!

I know.
Here.

Help me get
the shelves out of this.

We can hang
our dresses in here

and push them in.
Brilliant.

Kind of like the Louis Vuitton
travel wardrobe I used to have.

Or the service elevator
I was born in.

Coming through, hot food.

Look out, very hot!
Man, it's hot.

You're a waiter,
not a weatherman.

Hey, pretty girls,

I like the way you push around
that big steel box

why don't you come over here
and I'll have sex with you?

A display like that
really makes you appreciate

oleg's nuanced wit.

Okay, let's go right
to the ladies room

so we can change.

Is it that way
or that way?

What?

Shh, Johnny!

How'd he get invited?

This used to be
an exclusive event.

He's "made it,"

he goes where
"made it" people go.

Why are we hiding
from that lowlife?

If he sees me
in another waiter uniform,

I'm the sad girl
always in the uniform.

If he sees me
in that dress at the ball,

he can suck it.

Ladies room, that way.

The ladies room
is right down here.

Push harder. Harder!

Do you want Martha
to see you dressed like that?

- Move! Coming through!
- Excuse us.

Food emergency.

Fingers, fingers,
fingers, fingers.

Coming through,
coming through.

- Excuse us.
- Look alive, red!

- I almost hit you.
- Hold up.

Now just hold up.
What is going on right now?

You can't bring
food in here.

Oh, it's not food.
That would be weird.

It's dresses.
We have to change into these,

'cause she has this guy
she wants to impress,

and I have to change
into it

because I'm stalking
Martha Stewart.

Ooh, I'd be
a terrible spy.

Usually I don't get
the long stories

till the end of the night,

and by then,
the girls are crying

and begging me
for Wisdom and tic tacs.

I'll go first.

I have to get two of these
in one dress.

Miss, do you have
a shoehorn?

Come on,
chanel shoes!

Come on,
chanel knockoffs.

Why are you
not dressed yet?

'Cause ladies take forever.

It's all the spanx.

Well, go, use my stall.
I want to go stick my head out,

and see if I
can scope out Johnny.

No, ma'am, no!
Not fair, ma'am.

Try the handicapper.
This side.

Good idea.

I cannot
get a break tonight.

- Psst, yo, Max.
- Johnny!

Who are you looking for?

The Dominos guy.

I was hiding in there,
'cause five more minutes,

the pizza's free.

I was hoping
I'd run into you.

Eh, no big deal.

Pretty big deal.
You look amazing.

Amazing. I will go
as far as amaze-balls.

Thanks.

You look like a guy
in a commercial

who has a ring and puppy
hidden somewhere.

Can you believe it?

We're both
at this shmancy thing.

Look how far we've gotten.

Actually,
when you think about it,

we didn't get
very far at all.

Nope, you're right.
We didn't.

Yeah, why?

Timing, I guess.

Timing?

Okay, whatever.

You know, from now on,
when I think of you,

I'm gonna think of you in this
and not the uniform.

You know,
from now on,

maybe you shouldn't
think of me at all.

Gotta go,
Mr. Manhattan.

That was awesome!
Caroline, where are you?

I'm almost dressed.

I just had the perfect
in-your-face good-bye

with Johnny.

And speaking of
"in your face,"

he couldn't take his eyes
off my boobs...

Boobs that
he can never have,

now that
he's getting married.

Damn, girl, you look good.
What you doing later?

Can I get your number?

Oh, no, the cupcake got
a little smushed in my purse.

We can't show this
to Martha Stewart now.

Sure, we can.

You think she never
had a cupcake smush on her?

I doubt that very much.

Martha Stewart
is perfect.

Her feet don't even
touch the ground.

The woman probably doesn't
even go to the bathroom.

Martha Stewart's
hardly perfect.

And how are you
this evening?

No, you're right,
Martha Stewart isn't perfect.

Oh, I never said that!

In fact, I hear
she's a real ballbuster.

You did not hear that.

Yep, a real ballbuster,
you know?

No, I do not know.

Would you mind handing me
a towelette please?

Oh, one's fine.
Thank you so much.

But the fact that Martha
Stewart is so tough...

Caroline, you need
to get out here right now.

The fact that she
is a real ballbuster...

Oh, dear God, help me.

Is what I like
and respect about her.

I mean,
the woman's a genius.

Now it's getting
interesting.

And besides, you can't
really believe gossip.

Look at all
that hate mail I got

with people
calling me a bitch,

and I'm not a bitch.

Well, that's debatable.

- Martha Stewart, hi.
- Hello.

I'm Caroline, and this is
my business partner, Max,

and we have
a start-up cupcake business.

Dude, are you serious?
You're still going for it.

I know this is
highly inappropriate,

but we brought
a cupcake here tonight

in hopes that
you might taste it.

So you want me
to taste your cupcake

in the ladies room.

What's inappropriate
about that?

We're a start-up business.
We've got to take risks.

This is Max.
She's the baker.

You're the baker.

I'm the baker.

Hm, it looks
quite appealing.

Oh, my God.

I know this
is a social event,

so I'm so sorry
for making it about business.

When you're in business
for yourself,

you have
to take every situation

as a business opportunity.

Look, I have
five of these in here.

I love your magazine.

I read every single issue

until they realized I didn't
even go to that doctor.

Well, in spite
of the fact

that you have not
yet washed your hands...

I was just changing
my dress in there.

- I'll taste it.
- You will?

I like
your entrepreneurial drive.

And I have a feeling
that it's actually

the only way I'm gonna
get out of here alive.

That is our beer batter maple
bacon spring break cupcake.

- Hm, clever name.
- Thank you.

It is a little smushed,
though. That's unfortunate.

I told you.

Mmm.
Quiet tasty.

I like it.

Do you girls have a card?

Get it out, get it out,
get it out.

Ah, thank you very much.

"Max's homemade cupcakes."

Well, you know who'd
really like that cupcake?

Stoners.

She said
"Max's homemade cupcakes."

Both: Martha Stewart
likes our cupcakes!

Martha Stewart
likes our cupcakes!