2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 2, Episode 1 - And the Hidden Stash - full transcript

I can't believe you guys
are still staring over there.

Some mothers tend to breast-feed
for a lot longer these days.

It's called detachment parenting.

When the kid is that big,
it's called dating.

I mean, he's gotta come up
for air at some point.

No, he doesn't.

Isn't he too old
to drink from the teat?

The kid
is my height.

Don't get any ideas.

Well, it's happened:
I've lived too long.

I'm ready to order.

I can't.
I mean, I respect it all,

but I'll throw up.

I'll go.
I can't afford HBO,

and it's the closest I can get
to seeing Game of Thrones.

Hi, what can I get you?

He's obviously good drink-wise.

I'll have tea
and a turkey club.

Anything for him?
Coffee for the milk?

Burger? Fries?

I'll have fries.

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh *

Ooh! Late night phone call.

Ring-a-ding-dang.

Someone's gonna get
their freaky freak on.

It's my father.

I don't judge.

Hey, Daddy.

Me? I'm fine.

A little bummed:
It's truffle season,

and no one I know knows
what a truffle is,

but...

Oh! Our estate auction?

Yeah, I think I heard
something about that.

But honestly, Daddy, I haven't
given it a second thought.

No, you don't have to worry
about me.

I am not at all emotional
about it.

Wha...

Thank God
it's not flip-flop Friday.

Well, wait, I'll ask her.

My father wants to know
if you'll come out to the prison

- and finally meet him.
- Sure.

Great. We'll see you
tomorrow.

Bye.

I'm not going.

What? Why'd you say yes?

'Cause you never tell
a man in prison no.

He could hang himself
with his belt.

Do not give me
that look.

It happened to me
twice already.

Oh, God, has anything not
happened to you twice already?

Max, come on.
It's really important to me

that you meet my father.

Well, you never
met my father,

and you don't see me
dragging you

to every rail road boxcar
in the country

trying to find him.

Come on, it's gonna be
a really hard week for me.

Has any week ever
not been hard for you?

Everything I've ever owned

is being auctioned off
to the public.

I'm humiliated.

Would this be a bad time
to tell you

your one long face hair
is back?

Well, there's something
they can't take away from me,

and apparently,
I can't either.

Well, well,
here comes the sun,

and the moon
is looking great too.

Oh, Earl, your flirting is
just the right amount of dirty,

and that's not easy.

Sophie's here.
Quick, how's my hairnet?

I'm about to go over
and ask her out

on a romantic date.

A date?
Isn't that a waste of time?

I mean, you guys
already have sex so often,

I took a pregnancy test.

Evening, Sophie.

As you know, we have now
been together

for 468 sexual encounters.

I believe it is time
I take you out

on a romantic date.

Aw, I don't know.

Who has time
to go out any more?

Can't you just come over
and ruin my sheets

like you usually do?

Oh, just say yes.

I'll take you
anywhere you want.

Then take me
to the Channing Family auction

and buy me something gold.

How is this romantic?

How is this romantic?

It's gold.

Wait, is that the catalog
from Caroline's estate auction?

Yes.

I found it in the trash
out behind our building.

Caroline threw it there
'cause she doesn't

wanna see it again.

You better give it to me
before she comes out here

and lights you on fire.
She kinda does that now.

Sophie, let go, seriously.

No, you're never
gonna win, Max.

You know, when I was born,
the doctors tried

to pry my dead twin sister
from my hands,

but I never let go.

She was my first doll.

Hey, Sophie,
you don't happen

to have any tweezers,
do you?

Like, the really good
industrial kind?

Oh, you know
about the hair?

Oh.

'Cause I was gonna have
to take you out for a beer

and talk about it.

Max, what is that thing
that you have behind your back?

What? No, nothing.

Yes, right here.

Is that the auction catalog

that just fell
between your legs?

No, you're watching
an episode

of I didn't know I was pregnant.

What is this thing
doing here?

Isn't it enough
I have a 2-foot face hair?

Nice, Han.
She's upset again. Happy?

Sorry, I thought
we were playing some kind

of hiding game.

Oh, reach for me
like that again

and we'll be playing
a different game

called "guess which part
of Han I cut off."

Yeah, that's right.

You better walk away.

Now, can I have
my catalog back?

You brought this in here?

I can't believe it, Sophie.

I can't believe you think
it's okay for you

to just sit here
and casually flip

through this catalog
that contains everything I love

from my old life.

I just think it's really
insensitive and stuff.

I mean,
what are you thinking?

What is wrong with you,

I mean, besides
your obvious choice

of bad fabric
and color.

Oh, no.

You back up your truck,
bearded lady.

I'm insensitive?

I'm the thief who stole
all those people's money?

And you don't think this color
is happening?

Pick up a copy
of Polish Vogue.

All right, okay, okay.

It's all getting
a little tense.

I think we're all clear

about what needs to happen
right now.

Plink.

Wow, this prison's
a lot better than the last one.

It's more
like a country club.

I mean, I think I saw a list
for mixed doubles

where we signed in.

Max, I know your idea
of a country club's

an abandoned car
in the woods,

but look around.

There's security cameras
and bars on the windows.

All right,
so it's a rough country club,

where the strongest golfers
make the caddies their bitch.

Max, my father's
in prison.

Be more sensitive
and stuff.

Look, I get it.
You're protective.

He's your father
and you love him,

but I'm sorry,
not everybody feels that way.

- Daddy.
- There she is.

Aww, uhh!

How's my little girl?
I'm great, Daddy.

- Yeah.
- I like the new uniform,

and it isn't
at all prison-y.

Yeah. I don't know
what's worse:

Being locked up
or looking like you work

at a banana republic.

Now, wait a minute.
This can't be Max.

The stories I've heard,
I was expecting more

of a truck driver.

Hey, Brian, you might wanna look
the other way.

I think Max is here
to break me out.

Isn't that right, Max?

Martin Channing.

Shall we?

Okay, fine,
your dad is awesome.

Well, our projected
cupcake business growth ratio

isn't where I want it to be,
but with autumn here,

we have a lot of hope
in the launch

of our new pumpkin spice flavor.

Honey, I love you very much,

but we're almost
out of time,

and I can't talk any more
about cupcakes.

Just wanted
to pick your brain.

Now, Max, I asked you
to meet me here today

because I wanna ask you
a favor.

You want me
to smuggle something in?

Something out?
I'm good either way.

I want you to take Caroline
to the estate auction.

Daddy, no.

Why would I put myself
through that?

Why would I ever go
where everybody knows who I am

and be publicly humiliated?

I know it will be hard
for you,

but I promise
it'll be worth it.

There's one thing
at that auction

that I really care about
that I want you to have.

What?

The painting of me
as a baby?

The sculpture of me
as a five-year-old?

The tapestry
of me at 14?

I have a pretty good
police sketch of me at seven.

I want you two
to go there

and get the loving cup you won
jumping with Chestnut.

I know how much
that meant to you.

Even if I could bring myself
to go through all that,

we need every penny we have
for the cupcake business.

Tell him, Max.

Martin, you know
I'd do anything for you.

Anything.

But it's true.
We're broke.

- Time is up.
- Seriously, Daddy,

I use the box
our soap comes in as a wallet.

Man, that is hard
to hear.

Max, you're my girl, right?

Am I?

I want you to find a way
to get that cup.

No matter what she says,
make sure she gets that cup.

You follow me?

You want me
to follow you?

Can I even
go back there?

No, you can't, miss.

Oh, follow you,
like follow your thought.

It's important for her,

and it's important
for the both of you

for your futures, all right?

Get the cup.
What are you getting?

The cup, Martin?

I love you, sweetheart.

Love you too, Daddy.

And don't worry:
We'll get that cup.

I'm not getting
that cup.

What? Then why did you say
you would?

You can't tell
a man in prison "no."

He'll hang himself
with his belt.

It happened
to you twice already.

We have
to go get that cup.

Why?

There's money
in the cup.

What are you talking about?

He said we needed it
for our future,

then he winked.

It was either that,
or he was hitting on me,

which, I'm not gonna lie,
I wouldn't hate.

How would he even hide money
in a cup, Nancy Drew?

Well, what does a loving cup
look like?

Is it
like a bowling trophy?

How dare you.

Does it have, like,
a wood base?

Yup, I used to hide my stash
in my mother's bowling trophy,

and you're telling me the man
who invented a way

to defraud most of New York
isn't as clever

as a stoned 12-year-old
with a butter knife?

Well, it was weird
how it was all about the cup

and so little
about the pumpkin spice cupcake.

Right?

And you don't think
your father

who spent a fortune
to turn you into a sculpture,

presumably nude, wouldn't try
to figure out a way

to take care
of his only daughter?

The man's a criminal genius,

and he found a way to put money
for your future in the cup,

and clearly,
that's why he dragged me

out to prison, because he knows
you'll do what I say

'cause I'm the boss of you,
and pretty soon

I'm gonna be
your stepmom.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
I hear what you're saying,

but I just
have one big question.

How much
are we willing to bid?

No, about my disguise.

I know I'm a brunette,
but do I have bangs?

Actually, I need two:
One for me,

and one for my friend
Zooey Deschanel.

What? You look like her.
Everybody does.

It's the least expensive look
you can do and still get laid.

God, this is from storage.
I haven't seen it in years.

Wow, you had
all these closets,

and no one in your family
is gay?

Look! It's the Louie the XVI
I used to have in my playroom.

My cousin Peter and I
used to climb in here

and play French Revolution.

I'd be Marie Antoinette,
and he'd help me

put my hair up
in a high chignon.

Oh, now I'm feeling bad
for his wife.

So where do you think
the cup is?

Let's look
over there.

Oh, this is
from the summer house.

Max, you know the expression

"born with a silver spoon
in your mouth"?

This is mine.

Miss, do not handle that.

I'm asking you
to put it down right now.

Hey, you might
wanna relax the attitude.

You really think my friend
Jennifer Love Hewitt,

international movie
and Lifetime channel superstar,

is gonna steal a used spoon?

Sorry, I didn't recognize you.

Now I see it.

I thought
I was Zooey Deschanel.

Eh, six of one.

All you Hollywood brunettes
look alike.

The auction is starting,
ladies and gentlemen.

Hi, Max.

I'm so excited
to be here.

Oh, hello, Caroline.

Sophie, I apologize
for the other day.

I was really tense,
and I didn't mean it.

I think you have
a unique sense of style.

You do so much
with so little fabric.

I do...

And I see you took my advice
and got Polish Vogue.

How nice
is this?

We are finally
on a romantic date.

We just came from lunch
at Rainbow Room,

and I'm wearing
my best Fila tracksuit.

Yah, now, he's going
to buy me something golden.

Yah, I want
to be covered in gold.

I want a golden shower.

Let's see.
If I was a loving cup,

where would I be?

Some place with a lot of cash
shoved up inside you.

How much do you think
is in there?

Well, let's see.
The wooden base of the cup

is about this big,
and I know you can get 20,000

in an Altoids tin,

and this is about three times
that size,

so 60,000.

$60,000?

That's like a million dollars!

So I could have $60,000
in an hour?

Well, we.
We could have it.

Did I say I?
How weird.

And sold.

Wow, you're getting
everything.

Yes, we are.

Aren't we, Miss Pickle?

I'm Hamish McDonough,
by the way.

Oh, I'm Max, and this
is my friend Katie Holmes.

We won't speak
of it...

But I just have to say:
Well done!

And if you ever need anything,
don't hesitate.

Oh, you have your own shop?

"Just The Two Of Us" antiques.

Is that you and Miss Pickle?

No, dear,
I'm not insane.

Next item for auction:

A 19th century ivory and gold
bedside table,

Oh!

Oh, say it again.

This is highly unorthodox,
but I shall repeat the item.

A 19th century gold and ivory
bedside table...

I'm a very lucky man, yes?

We start the opening bid
on this item

at $50,000.

I'm out.

- 50,000.
- Here.

Do I hear 60,000?

- 60,000!
- 60,000 over here.

Do I hear 70,000?

70,000.
Do I hear 80,000?

Yes, you do!

80,000 going once,
going twice,

sold.

Hamish, you killed it.

Yolo!

And the next item
up for bid

is a silver-plated
tin loving cup,

property of Caroline Channing.

How much do you think
this is going to go for?

Kitsch is always a wild card,
but it has no real value.

No real value? Please.

I won that when no one
thought I could.

I jumped 14 hurdles in the rain
with walking pneumonia.

It's worth something.

Yeah, 'cause it has money
in it.

We start the bidding at $50.

50.

51.

Sir, it's in increments
of $10.

Then, I'm out.

Sorry, the Rainbow Room
really sucked me dry.

Hm, guess what else
is pretty dry right now?

Do I hear 60?

60.

What are you doing?
You said it had no real value.

I know,
but wouldn't it be camp

to see Miss Pickle
taking a bath in that

for my Christmas card?

Do I hear 70?

My cup
is not a puppy bath.

- 70.
- 80.

Back out now, ladies.
I'm a paddle bitch.

Well, I'm a bitch bitch.
100.

- 125.
- 150.

- 175.
- Hamish came to play.

So did we, I broke my hymen
getting that thing.

Is that why it's called
a loving cup?

- 200.
- I have 200.

Do I hear 225?

Look, Hamish.

I know you have no interest
in what I would normally

offer you
to get what I want.

Don't be so sure.
I was bisexual till I was 62.

Look, Katie Holmes
really wants this,

and she's been
through a lot.

True. It's yours.
I'm out.

200 going once,
going twice.

- Sold.
- Yes, I'm rich!

Did you just
say "I'm"?

I think
you're hearing me wrong.

Okay, before we use
all this money on the business,

we should take a vacation.
How 'bout it?

You, me, Chestnut, jet skis.

Okay, here we go.

No, no, no.
Don't open it now.

There are cameras here.

We can just go over there
and open it

right next to that thing
where you

and your little queen cousin
played dress-up.

Seriously, how could I not
have known that?

When we played
Cowboys and Indians,

he played
the Indian's makeup artist.

I have to say, Max,
it'll be nice

to have some money again,
but what's really nice

is that now you see
who my father is,

a man who,
despite all of his flaws,

never stopped thinking
about what he could do

to take care
of his little girl.

It's empty?

Son of a bitch.

Martin, we just
have one question.

Where's the money?

I'm sorry, what?

Where's...The money?

What?

She's asking
where the money is.

Oh! Uh, what money?

The money in the cup, Daddy.

The money you hid in the cup
that was supposed to be

for my future?
Where's my 60 grand?

Which, for anyone
who might be watching my lips,

we were going
to give all to charity.

Sweetheart, why do you
think I would hide money,

besides the fact I'm here
for hiding money?

Well, that might
have been my fault.

No, it's
not her fault, Daddy.

It's yours.

You were supposed to take care
of me, and you didn't.

You didn't think
about me at all,

and it's not just me.
You hurt a lot of people.

Do you ever even think
about them?

Yes, I do.

Now, every day,

but I also think
about what I did to you

every day, all day.

I mean, back then,
when I figured out a way

to get free money,
all I could think

- about was the money.
- I hear that.

But I really did
wanna give you something

for your future, sweetheart,

which is why I asked Max
to make sure

that you got that cup.

And I know it's only tin,
but it's the most valuable thing

I could give you,
because it'll remind you

that no matter
how hard the circumstances,

you could get over any hurdle,

even the ones
I put in front of you.

Okay, well, we should go.
Our time's up.

Yeah, but...what?
You just got here.

Well, I think I'm done
for today.

Boy, I've dreaded the day
you looked at me like this.

Now that it's here,
it's even worse.

I only hope
that one day

you could look at me again

the way you did
the day you won that cup.

I love you, honey.

I love you too, Daddy.

Oh.
Sorry.

You meant her.

See you next week?

Wow, having a father
is rough.

- Are you okay?
- I will be,

because despite
what everyone else may think,

he's not just a thief.
He's my father,

and I love him.

Look, if it's any consolation,
I now see

how that could've happened
to him.

I'm not condoning it,
but I see

how people
can get caught up,

'cause I am pissed as hell
that next week

I won't be riding a horse
who's riding a jet ski.