18 to Life (2010–2011): Season 2, Episode 11 - Like Father, Like Son's Best Friend - full transcript

Stealing food?

Like you aren't.

Anything good?

Is that ...

Dad.

It's tax time.

I volunteered last time.

He made you cry last
time and I had to finish!

Well, that was merely a ploy

to get out of it
and you know it.

Fifty bucks if you volunteer.



Cash up front.

Ahah! Just the two
people I wanted to see.

It's tax time!

Daddy, I'll help you this year.

Oh! Great!

Father/daughter week will be...

but you should know I
just started my period.

Monica sweetheart, you
shouldn't interrupt me

because what I was going to say

is that was
father/daughter week

will be next year,

because this year I choose Tom!

Would you believe me if I
said I, too was on my period?

Yes, I would.



But you can still
file at the same time.

Come on, let's do this thing.

How could I not know
Vinnie was cheating on me?

I mean his name is Vinnie!

I can't believe I sacrificed
my virginity to him.

Uh, did we just enter a gap

in the space-time
continuum?

I mean my relationship
virginity, Jessie.

And now I'm just a
relationship divorcee.

Tell me what I can do.

My body is craving a warm,
pressurized squeeze.

A hug?

Is that what that is?

Oh. Come here.

You're so lucky to
have a guy like Tom.

He's totally the kind of
guy that would be cool

with this favour.

What favour?

You know the rules.
Six A.M. sharp.

It's eleven-thirty.

Have you been sitting
here waiting for me

for five-and-
a-half hours?

We can roll quitting
time forward.

Ok. So to review.

The files proceed from
goldenrod to crimson, magenta,

chocolate, blanched almond,
olive, sage, salmon...

What time's lunch?

Come on, Tom.

Focus in here, huh?

Something tells me this
could be the year

we see this through together.

Hey, that's sage!

Sage! Sage! Sage!

Isn't it obvious?

On behalf of sage
enthusiasts everywhere,

I'm gonna say
no! It's olive.

Your kitchen expertise
is obviously

not helping you here, mister.

If anywhere.

Are we here to organize your
taxes or pick me apart?

The beauty of my system
is we can do both.

And hey, would it hurt
you to wear a real shirt?

This is a real shirt!

One with buttons on it!

Ten minutes in and you're
already judging me.

I'm a judge.

It's literally what I do.

Ok. Look. Let's start
again. Ok?

This is not just
about taxes, Tom.

Admittedly, mostly
it is. Yes.

But a little father-son
bonding never hurt anyone.

Tell that to Jesus.

Ok. I wanted to save
this as a surprise but...

Voila.

Two tickets to the Wilmont
father-son golf tourney,

which will be graced by
golf God, Jack Dailey.

Yay!

I know.

Huh?

I don't wanna compare
him to Hitler,

but Mussolini's bald, so...

For what it's worth, I
think it'd be pretty cool

to work for a judge.

I'm delighted to
hear you say that

because I'm in a position

to make all your
dreams come true.

I meant a sexy lady
judge, not your dad.

But it would be perfect.

You'd act as a buffer and
maybe even make it go faster.

I'm kind of still married
to the whole idea

of a sexy lady judge.

My dad knows sexy lady judges.

Yeah?

And I'll pay you fifty bucks.

Sold!

Oh, hey, Phil.

You mind doing
the gutters today?

Oh, I'd love to, baby.

But first I need a
little "Phil time".

Oh. Phil?

Would you mind helping
me with these potatoes?

Sure.

Thanks.

They were on sale.

You're a prince!

Hey! Judith.

How did you get him to do that?

I mean, I couldn't get
him out of his lounger

if it was on fire.

I guess it's harder to
say no to your neighbour

than it is to your wife.

You don't mind, do you?

It's tax time, and I
am one husband down.

Ben does your taxes, too?

Wow. I really am getting

the short end of the
stick here, huh?

Let me make it up to you.

How about I lend you a juicer?

Or a Wendy?

Yeah. I'm good.

Wait a minute.

Maybe there is something
that you could do for me.

I have had the kind of day

that only hot wild
sex will cure.

Not in the mood.

And you're not Jessie.

And you're wearing sweats.

They're not sweats,
they're activity pants.

If that activity is sweating.

Hey, baby!

Ava just broke up with Vinnie

and she's pretty upset.

Upset that it's over
or upset because

she was dating a
guy named Vinnie?

You know I can hear you, right?

I told her she could
spend the night.

I hope the couch
is comfortable.

For me.

Oh! I know exactly what
will make you feel better:

ice cream and a
Nora Ephron movie

with a rock band chaser.

You know what would
really make me feel better?

Cutting off Vinnie's man-root.

Did that get weird?

She seems to be
totally losing it.

Yeah.

I can't wait till
we're together again.

No, it's true. I
seriously miss you.

I know, but you
looked hot today.

Who are you talking to?

Uh, no one.

Why? What did you hear?

Just enough.

What up, white boy?

Just cause you're
carrying a basketball

does not mean you're black.

Says you, racist.

I'm just here to
shoot hoops, yo.

Except we're not
gonna play ball today.

Your orientation with
my dad starts right now.

Oh, what?

Not cool!

Hey, dad! Great news.

Carter has offered to help
out with the taxes this year.

Carter who once
got his genitals

stuck in our mailbox Carter?

It was a dare.

He doesn't know
the filing system,

let alone possess any
acceptable social skills.

Which is why he's here today:

To prep for the
real work tomorrow.

All right, Carter.

Fine. Park your
ball outside.

And let's go.

And stay away from our mailbox.

Are we on walking clich?s?

Oh! I couldn't
walk right now.

Besides, ice cream is
classic for a reason.

Thanks for letting me vent.

We've gotta have
each others' backs.

Some guys are evil.

Anything with a penis is evil.

Except for Lady Gaga.

We'll make you forget
all about Vinnie.

I'll never forget about him.

That cheating,
secret-phone-calling,

guilty gift-giving
son of a...

Evening, ladies!

Whenever I'm feeling crappy,

I'm all about the caramel corn.

And I got Fluffy
pillows from downstairs

for your lounging comfort.

I'll be hiding over here
if you need anything.

Every man alive
reminds me of Vinnie.

Well, except Tom.

Except Tom.

Ahhh, Tom!

Right on time.

And by right on time,
I mean an hour late.

Sorry. Traffic.

As I was saying.

If you split the magenta
into two sub-files,

then it'd be easier to
differentiate between

personal and family expenses.

That's...

that's crazy, Carter.

Dad's been using this
system for years.

And I've been considering
sub-files for just as many.

It adds the advantage of
creating instant duplicates

for property taxes.

You're absolutely right.

Ha.

You're absolutely
freaking me out.

Let's do this.

Yeah!

The salamander file, right?

Tom, you get the coffee.

I think we're going to need it.

You almost ready, hon?

Those skater boys won't
know what hit them.

Ladies and gentleman,
the hottest chick

It's Ava Turner!

Ta...Dah?

I'm not ready to
face the world yet.

Besides, shark week's started

and I don't have cable
at my apartment.

So I'm gonna have to
stay a little longer.

I'll just ... run
that by Tom.

Really? You're
gonna let some guy

make all your
decisions for you?

What am I saying?

Of course you can stay.

Good.

So what are you making
me for breakfast?

And every time it rains,
your gutters overflow

and wash away my
Petunia seedlings.

So you want me to
clean out my gutters.

They're forecasting rain.

I'll get the ladder.

You drove him out
of his own office?

You are masterful, Carter Boyd.

I'm an amateur.

But your dad...

I know.

I'm going to get the
fifty bucks to you

in small, manageable payments.

No, no, I meant Ben is awesome!

Did you know that
he can blow bubbles

out of his eyes?

Ben. Awesome.

These words are not designed
to be in the same sentence.

Ah, coffee.

Fantastico.

Here you go.

Who's that for?

I'm still here, dad.

Oh yeah. Well,
if you want.

But it turns out Carter is
like having three of you.

Good thing you're here, bud.

There's nothing greater
than a father's praise.

It's like a warm hug.

With this kind
of back-up,

it is clear that I
can once again

finish without you.

He's like the son I never had.

What am I?

Oh. Well. You're
the son I had.

Right?

Sorry I snuck out so early,

but I woke up and Ava
was staring at me

and I got freaked out.

I woke up to find my Teddy bear

with a knife
through his crotch.

With Ava moving in and
Carter hijacking my dad,

I've got nowhere to go.

But you hate tax
time with your dad.

Yeah, I hate it,

but it's something we
always did did together.

Come on, Tom, does this
look like it belongs

in the file for long
distance travel expenses

slash corporate taxes?

Huh? What are
you? Six?

I'm seven!

No excuse.

You're making too much of this.

Just show up and pitch in.

That seems way too direct.

You can't screw it up.

He's your dad.

But what am I
gonna do about Ava?

I suggest something
sneaky and manipulative.

I'll call Monica right now.

Aaah! Australia?

How could I lose Australia?

An entire continent!

I thought you guys
were working.

Oh yeah, we were.
We took a break

and now Carter is giving
me a run for my money

in the americas.

Well, sounds like a great
time to re-start filing.

I'm good to go.

Oh good. We made
it to the k's.

If you jump in now,
it'd give us time

to work on Carter's golf swing.

Golf swing?

Yeah. Ben's taking me
to that golf thing.

You mean the
father-son golf thing?

That's the one!

Now you don't have to go.

Yeah.

I need your help.

I don't move bodies
unless you agree

to pay for the
dry-cleaning.

The body's alive.

And it belongs to Ava.

Your slutty friend?

She's not slutty, but yeah.

She has a bad case of

my-boyfriend-cheated-on-me blue,

and she's making our
apartment smell like sadness.

Well, she's never gonna
get over the break up

while she's at at your place.

That's like curing a
toothache with skittles.

What does that mean?

You and my brother are
nauseatingly sweet.

Ava needs a little
relationship schadenfreude

to mend her broken heart.

Pretend Tom and
I are in trouble?

That's gross!

I can dream, can't I?

Now that I've given up men,

I have a lot of free
time on my hands.

I think I might take up
a hobby, like knitting.

Or lesbians.

Yeah. Let's
dog ear this convo

and pick it up again later

cause I have to get
to the library.

Fine, I'll just stay here.

Alone.

Drinking this crappy tea.

Vinnie is not all men.

You're better than this.

Look, it's your favourite.

Ruby red, the shade
preferred by hookers

and drag queens alike. Ok.

Point taken, but ... ewww.

Oh God! This is
worse th the tea.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Vinnie is all men.

What do you mean? Tom?

The last few months
have been unbearable.

I don't even know
who he is anymore.

I knew it!

Give me the deets.

Thanks, Phil.

I'd hate to trip on
a loose flagstone,

break my neck and be
forced to sue you.

Yeah. I can see how
that could keep someone

who visits us so
frequently up at night.

I really appreciate it.

Yeah.

Hey, Tara!

You're doing a great job, babe.

Tiger Woods!

He's my favourite.

Keep your arm stretched.

And.... hit the ball.

Ok! Right.

Ahhhhhh!

Sweetheart!

You're still here?

What other choice do I have?

No, I mean, compared to other
years, you're still here?

You usually bail on
him before the ks.

Oh! Do you want to
adopt Carter, too?

Honey, if you want to
spend time with your dad,

you should go.

I have that opportunity
every year;

I just never take it.

Well? Whose fault is that?

Phil! No! Wait!

Hey! Hey!

What the hell are you doing
with my panicum virgatum?

Cutting them down.

Figured it's just
a matter of time

before Judith asks
me to anyway.

But she wouldn't do...

I also cut down your
climbing vines there.

The leaves were dropping
all over my front lawn.

Our morning glory?

But I never asked
you to touch...

trying to get a jump on
my chores, you know.

Did you really think I
wouldn't figure this out?

I should've just
borrowed your juicer.

That's a spiffy shirt, Tom.

Oh thanks! Trying
something new.

Maybe you should, too.

Some thing or someone?

I'd love to stay a
chat, but I gotta run.

Where?

Is this an interrogation?

Jessie suspects, you know.

What, that you've
completely lost it?

That, I understand.

I gotta go.

You were one of
the good ones, Tom.

Who are you and where are
you going dressed like that?

I am my father's son.

And I'm gonna golf my
ass off to prove it.

Oh, also I'm your
cheating husband,

or so Ava seems to think.

Yes! I pretended
we were fighting

to make Ava feel better.

The worse our
relationship gets,

the sooner she'll be gone.

Out of my way, woman!

My life is my own business!

That's good, that's good, yeah.

And when I get back,
I'm gonna want sex,

you red-headed freak!

Ok, that's just offensive

and will only lead
to a real fight.

Oh. Sorry. Love you.

Bye.

Oh.

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so, so sorry.

Am I not doing this right?

Oh, Tom.

Yeah, no.

It's not good.

Ohhh.

Oh hey. Ava,
men, right?

But it's Tom!

You guys were my last hope,

the only way I could
keep on going.

We'll work through it.

No you won't!

No.

Ok, there's something
I should probably...

I can't stay here and watch
you guys self-destruct.

Will you help me pack?

If you're sure you're ready.

So. You sink this
hole, we win, Carter.

Kings of the course!

Now if you were to shag it...

I'd get splinters.
I know.

What? No. No.

It means we lose to those
jerks, the Sandersons.

I hate the Sandersons.

Well, let's send them
home in tears, shall we?

Should...

Have taken ...

Bus.

Not so fast!

What are you doing here?

I should be asking that floozy
you're playing golf with

the same question.

Ladies and gentlemen?

This man is an impostor!

I am the true son of
Benjamin Franklin bellow.

Son? You get me kicked
out of my country club,

I am kicking you
out of the house.

Ok?

Your dad really
wants to win, Tom.

So do I, fake-son.

So do I.

We'll let the real son
take the last shot.

Ok.

Here we go.

Take your time.

Oh!

And there we go.

Mm?

It's close.

Mm mm.

Hey Judith, do me a
favour and water our lawn

when you get a chance, ok?

Mm hm.

I'm sorry, dad.

You do know you are
truly terrible at golf.

Yeah.

But not, as it turns
out, at filing.

I'm impressed.

Even with the new system,
everything's in order.

And a day early.

Honestly, I've never felt more
secure going into tax season.

Well, maybe next year we
can count Carter out of it.

I think that'd be best, yeah.

He can still be my golf ringer.

I had no idea he
was that into it.

I paid him fifty bucks.

Well, is that everything here?

Yeah. Fantastic!

Carter? Listen, the files
are a complete disaster.

Can you sneak over here
in the dead of night?

I told you, there are
no sexy lady judges.

I'm so glad Ava bought
that whole cheating act.

And all that fake fighting
was a serious turn-on.

So you pretended
your relationship

was in the dumps

just so I'd get off my
ass and get over myself?

And you helped her?

I love you guys.

Agh!

Sorry.

I guess there's still
some residual anger.

Where were we?

Stop undressing me
with your eyes, woman!

Then get over here.