18 to Life (2010–2011): Season 2, Episode 10 - If a Bellow Falls in the Forest - full transcript

Seriously!
You don't wanna miss this.

Seven kegs, two dozen
boxes of Roman candles,

one human slingshot.

We are talking about the
kegger of the century here.

Stop taunting us, Carter.

We want to go.

But we promised our folks

we'd go on one final camping trip.

The stars are aligned, my friends.

Check it out.

Your campsite is here.



Twig wilderness park.

The party is at garland
point, the northern tip.

It's like a two-,
three-beer walk, tops.

Why are you only looking
at her and not me?

Because she makes all the decisions.

That is not true.

Ok, quick.
What're you wearing?

Uh, cargo pants and my
"I'm with stupid" shirt.

Oh no sweetie.

We agreed that t-shirt's
wildly inaccurate

and plaid goes better with your jeans.

So jessie makes a few decisions.

We like it that way.

And who made that decision?



I still can't believe

you guys are coming along.

Camping used to be our
favourite family activity...

Until...

Until what?

You got lost; Someone died;
You had to eat them.

We've all been there.

I think it's
best if we concentrate

on maintaining a small perimeter

and interact with nature
as little as possible.

Well, if that's your idea of camping,

then maybe we should just stay home.

Ben already put a
deposit on the camper.

Camper? This is supposed
to be about roughing it.

It's just a small upgrade.

It's just a ha ha haa ha!.

Oh, whoa.

Nature, here we come!

You can't expect me
to carpool with this.

Watch.

We could tuck your car inside, Phil.

What do you think, honey?

It's a fortress on wheels!
Perfect.

Wow.

Hey, Jess.
So how many veggie burgers

does tom want for the weekend?

I'm right here.

Three for tom.

One for me.

Ok.

Are you at least in
charge of the condiments?

Can't we find a way
that we could be together?

Is there any way
that we could be together?

And oh by the way,
baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do! Yes, I do!
Yes, I do!

Yes, I do! Whoo hoo hoo...

hey there, who wants
a "campuccino?"

Huh?

For heaven's sakes, Ben.

We're not savages.

But you can't
get away from it all

if you take it all with you, Judith.

Well?
We find life's little luxuries

are magnified in the great outdoors.

Life's little annoyances, too.

Yeah.

I heard that, Phil.

Oh. China!

Ugh.

You know what Carter said

about you making all the decisions?

Not all.

Eighty-five, ninety percent.

Well, I say for the rest
of this trip, we trade.

But I love when we
play to our strengths.

And decision-making
hasn't always been yours.

No offence.

So how's the campfire
coffee there, Phil?

Ha!

I say we ditch this place
and go find the kegger.

I stand corrected.

By the time we get back,

they'll be getting along great.

Yeah, or they'll have
killed each other.

Well, at least it'll be quieter.

And we'll be getting back
with a brand new skill set:

You with an easygoing-go-
with-the-flow attitude...

And a straightforward
sense of confidence

and leadership for you.

Ok, I'm not trying to take over here,

but I do think you should have this.

You realize by handing
me that compass,

you're taking over but...

Sorry.

Oh! Ga!

But of course I'm gonna
need the the compass

if I'm going to take over.

Ohhhh.

Give up aeady?

Jessie's the only one who
likes campfire coffee.

Or maybe that's why she bailed.

I don't know why we're even here,

now that the kids are gone.

You can't really blame them

for wanting to have a romantic night

away from their parents.

We should've never done this again.

Especially after what
happened last ti-

Judith!
Did you not promise

if I rented you the
biggest rv on the market

that you would never
bring that up again?

What happened the last time?

Let's just say...

Nature lost.

What gets me is this is
probably our last family trip.

The kids won't be living
in your attic forever.

Oh, don't overestimate tom.

All right.

I say we make the best of this.

Come on, Judith.
How about a hike, get some fresh air?

What do you say?

Let's just turn up the a/c.

Not an option.

Come on, get up!

Come on. Come on.

This is a lost cause.

Oh!

Got it!

Nice work, Jess.

All right, let's get going.

Wait.

Magnetic north is no longer fixed.

Well, that's ok, we're
not going north.

Yeah, we are.

And given that moss grows
on the north side of trees,

it's that way.

So you're in charge again.

No. I'm not.

I broke the compass; I'm just
trying to fix what I broke.

It's ok.

Old habits are hard to break.

Although, ours technically
aren't even that old.

That's north.

The bog ate my shoes.

Come on.

The kegger awaits.

Ah. Nothing beats a veggie dog
blackened over an open fire.

When did "blacked"
become the new burned?

Nature unplugged offers
its own kind of high.

You just don't get it.

You've got to be high
to "get" charred tofu.

Phil, come with me.

I think you'll find nature plugged-in

has its own unique mystique.

I can't leave my dogs unattended.

They've ignited every time.

"Unattended" would be an improvement.

Come on.

Yeah.

That is ridiculous!

Why don't you just use a stick?

I thought you'd want
the sticks preserved

in their natural habitat.

And rv's should stay in theirs,

packed like sardines on the freeway.

The motor home is excessive
for a wilderness park,

I grant you.

But I wanted to put a buffer
between us and nature.

Oh, my God.

Why would anyone want a buffer
from a sight like that?

Oh no.

See, Phil?

The turning speed simulates

the flavour profile of a campfire.

And the meat simulates heaven.

Yeah, I know.

This baby's extreme for
the bush, isn't it.

But I wanted Judith to relax.

And the 6-speaker sound
system and ice-maker

and wolf range didn't hurt.

She deserves it, after
what happened last time.

What the hell happened?

Let's just say, nothing
that won't be forgotten

after a new and successful
camping sojourn.

Judith! Come on!

You can't run away from this forever.

Run, no.

Power-walk, maybe.

Ok, just stop. Stop.

Please.

What happened last
time you went camping?

Ok.

It was um, five years ago.

The whole family came.

Even Monica.

Monica Monica?

Yeah, we knew if we
left her alone again,

she'd try to sell the house.

Anyway, um, this gorgeous
deer wandered into the camp.

Walked right up to us.

Even ate berries from Ben's hand.

That sounds magical.

It was.

Until this heavy metal cooler

Ben had hoisted in a tree
to bear-proof the campsite

crashed down on its head.

Oh my God. Dead?

The whole family was traumatized.

Tom was bawling; Monica
didn't even laugh at him.

That is horrible.

That poor animal.

It haunted me for years.

I haven't been able to watch Bambi

or reindeer games since.

Bambi, I understand.

But reindeer games didn't
have any animals in it.

No, I know.

It's just a horrible movie.

What's in a tofu dog anyway?

Lies.

Whereas here we have cow.

Sheep, goats, raccoons.

Deer.

Probably.

No, no, no, no!

By your campfire.

A deer!

Look!

Oh my God, look at him!

I've gotta get a picture of this.

Just enjoy the moment, dude.

A picture won't do it any justice.

Come on.
Help me find my camera.

It's around here somewhere.

Ok.

Judith, you have to
know that what happened

to that deer was an accident.

You don't understand; The
bellows kill nature.

The first time we went camping,

Ben ran over a possum.

Ok.
That's not a big deal.

He was jogging.

He literally ran over it.

Then there was the time
I hammered a tent peg

into a groundhog burrow.

It was like the passion of
the Christ, but with fur.

No, we're cursed.

Cursed to be nature killers.

How you doing back there?

What I'm lacking in footwear,

I'm making up for in total surrender.

I feel the weight of the
world is off my shoulders.

Yeah, you know, I've
never felt so focused.

I think I finally have
a sense of direction.

Good, 'cause I could really
get used to this freedom.

And I could get used to this power.

I feel so leaderly.

Uh, tom?

Yeah, it's a real word, Jess.

I just decided.

Bang.

Speaking of bang.

I don't want to second guess you,

but I think this is some kind of sign.

What do we do now?

Run!

Found it!

Perfect. Come on.

Get a picture of this thing
before it takes off.

Ah, relax.

He's not going anywhere.

He's into the two dozen
veggie dogs I left by the-

What is that sound?

Sounded like a groan, but louder.

Maybe it was a...

Oh.

Crap.

The bellow curse lives on.

You still want me to
take that picture?

Judith cannot
see this deer.

I knew those veggie
dogs were killers.

Agh, who knows what did this beast in?

Tofu dogs, deer flies, low
socio-economic status.

How do we explain
the missing tent?

Tell Tara it blew away and
you can bunk in our rv.

If we don't keep this
thing under wraps,

the next thing we'll have is bears.

Ok.

This should be far enough.

Oh, crap.

Here.

Take that.

An electronic monitoring bracelet?

No way, dude.

These things chafe.

It's a tracking device.

All we need is a park
ranger down our backs.

Or we'd have to kill him, too.

Look, run far into the
woods and toss it.

Can you handle that?

Does a bear crap in the woods?

Good man.

No, I mean it.

I'd hate to run into a crapping bear.

Ok. Too soon to joke.

I get it.

I think that's far enough.

I almost got us killed.

It's ok.

It was your first shot, tom.

Bad choice of words.

Great leaders
learn from their mistakes.

Jfk, uh, Winston Churchill, Napoleon.

Napolean's a flavour of ice cream.

Actually, it's three flavours,
and it's neapolitan.

But great leaders take responsibility

and then they move on.

If they can find their way
in the woods, that is.

Don't worry about it.

Follow me.

Indoor plumbing.

Let's hope the door's unlocked.

Nice work, chief.

I cannot believe
people treat the forest

as their own personal garbage dump.

And I can't believe people
throw s & m parties up here.

We bellows may be nature killers,

but we draw the line at littering.

How about drawing the line

at air-conditioning the entire planet?

No!

Please tell me we're not locked out.

Oh! Damn!

I will officially follow you anywhere.

I'll take the blame for
almost getting us killed,

but I get the credit for this one.

Clean feet in exchange
for almost getting shot?

Totally worth it.

Well, these feet aren't
gonna re-dirty themselves.

Let's hit that kegger!

After you!

Nice going.

I'm sorry.

It's ok.
I'm sure Ben has the key.

Oh!

Hey!

Welcome back.
How was the walk?

Magical.

Horrifying.

We saw a deer right up there
on the top of the hill.

Antlers?

Yeah!
You saw the same one?

Wasn't it magnificent?

And heavy.

Ben?

Do you have the key?

Yeah.

Phil?
What happened to our tent?

Do you have anything else?

My dad's spare key to the rv.

Try picking the lock with that.

You can't pick a lock
with another key.

That's just trying to unlock
a door with the wrong key.

See?

Do you hear something?

The kegger.

I hate Carter.

A gust-nado?

Mm hm. Mm hm.

Must've taken the tent
in one fell swoop.

Oh, in fact, there's some
debate as to whether or not

a gust-nado is not
actually a mini-tornado.

Course, it could also
have been a bear.

Bear.

Somebody always has to say bear.

It's nice up here.

I wonder who put
bars on these windows.

I wonder who'll find our bodies.

I wonder who will go first.

If it's me, I give you permission

to eat my cold, dead flesh.

Thanks, I think.

And if you go first..?

You don't want top eat you

because you blame me for this.

No, no.
It's not your fault.

I just - I want to
leave a tidy corpse.

I'm sorry if I'm too bossy.

You're not bossy.

You know what you like;
You chase after it

and then you kill it with a stick.

Yeah, and then I bring it home

and I share it with you.

We work the way we are.

I miss wimpy tom.

I miss bossy jessie.

Although, I don't miss
being calledimpy tom.

I hope the
kids are having fun.

I hope they're dead,

or at least out of hand sanitizer.

This was supposed to be
a family camping trip,

not a bad episode of survivor.

Ben! There wasn't a bad
episode of survivor.

I'm sorry, you know, I guess
I'm feeling a little hurt.

They dropped us like a hot potato.

I'm sorry Ben didn't
let us smash the window.

I'm sorry that you
guys won't stop talking.

Just look at all those stars.

I feel so insignificant.

I love being part of
the bigger picture.

Stars last a millennia,

and we're gone in the blink of an eye.

Aw, screw the stars.

I miss the kids.

Once they're gone, what've we got?

Indigestion?

I rest my case.

It's morning.

Now what do we do?

We gotta get to that vent.

C'mon, tom!

Who was the queen of
sixth grade gymnastics?

That rope won't even hold you.

Teamwork.

I'm falling!

The handle broke.

Oh God!
It is so beautiful out here.

Fresh air, trees...

The tent!

Oh yeah, underneath the bushes.

Right there!

No, no, no.

Couldn't be.

The wind was too strong.

Looks like it's from the uh...

What? Ben!

Judith?

There's no easy way to say this.

Phil killed a deer.

What?

It wasn't me, per se.

It ate one too many veggie dogs.

We killed another one?

No, honey, technically,
you could hang this

on the entire vegetarian movement.

It is a compelling argument
for going back to meat.

I have to see it.

What?

No, no! Honey!

Judith, Judith.

All maggoty and- agh!

I can't believe
you killed a deer!

Ok.

What I don't get is why did
you wrap it in our tent?

I didn't want Judith to see the body.

Given our history.

You mean the curse?

Are you sure you I
have to face the fear.

It's gone.

You see?

It's our differences
that make us work.

We're like salt and pepper.

My dad's tacos and antacid tablets.

I get it.

We are who we are.

And even though the rest of the world

doesn't value my ability
to follow blindly,

you do, and that's what counts.

I've been here before.

I think this is where
my dad killed the deer!

Your dad killed a deer?

I've never told you that story before?

Oh, I definitely have
to tell you that story.

It really helps explain my mom.

A lot.

Tom!

Look!

I remember that!

I carved it on our last camping trip,

must've been about five years ago,

before we hooked up.

That was a very good decision.

More like a pathetic wish.

Which came true.

Which means you got the ball
rolling, on this and us.

And everything.

It's as if it got up and walked away.

Like some sort of Jesus deer.

Morning, folks!

I've been tracking a
tranquilized deer,

and my system says
he's bunked right here

with you folks.

Ohy God.

You say you shot it
with a tranquilizer?

Overpopulation relocation program.

This place is lousy with deer.

Hey!

I found this yesterday.

Yeah.
Miles and Miles from here.

Yeah. Entirely different
part of the park.

Over where the satanists are
having the kegger for Satan.

Yeah, I heard about that.

Sorry to bother you.

No problem.

Bye.

Shhhh.

Well, if this is life without kids,

it sure as hell won't be boring.

Maybe we'll survive after all, huh?

Oh! Amen to that.

Whoo hoo!

I guess the kegger's still happening.

Probably just a couple
of hard-core partiers

and random naked guy.

We should go.

Good decision.

Let me guess.

You guys ran into the satanists.

Something like that.

Hey uh, muchacho,

do you happen to have
the spare rv key?

We've been locked out all night.

Oh! My God.
Mom, are you ok?

I am.

But you can cook lunch.

And dinner.

You should make...

Tofu dogs, coming right up.

Stick with grilled cheese.

Long story.

So was it a romantic night after all?

It was the most romantic night ever.

And a strangely satisfying morning.

Should we go back for him?

After lunch.

Tom!

Jessie!

Ok! Ok!
I'm sorry for what I said.

You guys work so well together.

Oh come on!

Adriano_csi