18 to Life (2010–2011): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Gate - full transcript

Tom's grandmother drops in for a visit, forcing Jessie out of the upstairs loft. Seems the Bellows have neglected to tell her Tom and Jessie are married, due to fear of her wrath.

Hey, Tara.


Yeah, we're in here, babe.

Jessie and Tom having a fight?

No, Ben's mom is
just up from Miami.

Still haven't told granny
bellow you're married, huh?

This is the woman who
suffocated her canary

for singing too loud.

Ben's terrified
of what she'd say.

So how long are
you hiding out for?

Till the old shrew
leaves our attic.

Hey now. They
wouldn't appreciate

you calling Ben's
mother a shrew.

Is the old shrew coming down?

Or is she going to
make us late again?

Can't we go without her?

She keeps calling me a boy.

I think Jessie should come.

We will tell grandma at
brunch that we're married.

I'm sick of lying.

Nobody is lying, Tom.

We're simply calibrating
the appropriate time

to tell a fragile elderly lady
that her beloved grandson

made a rash decision.


And by my calculations
that time would be never.

I trust you cleared all
of the evidence of Jessie

from upstairs as
discussed. Hm?

Uh huh.

Hmm. Grandma's lumbago
must be acting up.

He's right.

If we'd told her
when you got married,

it would've been bad enough.

But now? How do we
explain ourselves?

By admitting we're
afraid of her.

You wait till you're
twenty-one and she'll be deaf.

You can tell her as
many times s you want.

Yeah, like the
devil can go deaf.

She's gone.

She left without us.

What a surprise.

No. No,
no, no, no.

I mean gone, gone.

Grandma's dead.

I thought there'd
be incident tape

or a chalk outline
or something.

We have to get rid of it.

And everything that
ever touched it.

I'll flip the mattress.

Great. So her death germs
will be six inches under me

instead of right
next to my skin. Ew.

I have to get out of here.

Jessie, death is
sad, but inevitable.

I've lost a lot of
people I care about.

And ... grandma.

It's just creepy.

My first death in my
first marriage bed.

Are you planning on a second
marriage or just another bed?

Hi. Uh, found this clutched
in your grandmother's hand.

I believe it's yours.


Also, this was in her pocket.

She stole my necklace!

What is it?

I killed grandma.

That picture had nothing
to do with her death.

You're just being paranoid.

You're right.

Given her Mickey-a-day diet,
it was probably liver disease.

Aren't you glad you didn't tell
grandma about your marriage?

Dad was right; The news
probably would've killed her.

That would
have been some brunch.

Have some respect. Her
bed is still warm.

You mean your bed?

Why are you so
bent out of shape, Tom?

This is the woman who made
you change your own diapers.

Monica's right.

This was no tragedy.

She was eighty nine, and
she was definitely...

Past the best-by date.

She's the woman who stopped
me from wetting the bed.

This is my grammy.

And this is why Tom can't
have any sleepovers!

And started my lifelong
fear of public speaking.

Such a tragedy.

Sweet ol' grandma!

We'll miss her.

Well, you can all take
comfort in knowing

she's watching us from above.

Better there than

That's so funny, mom.

She's only dead.

He's still grieving.

or manslaughter?

It was an accident!

So, manslaughter.

Not so fast, there, chiquita.

See? Tom knew that if granny
found out he got married,

she would die.

Yet, he left the photo in a
cookbook for her to find.

Ergo, he killed her.

No, he said that if she found
out, when would kill him.

Ah! Self-defense.

How am I gonna tell my
father I killed his mother?

Ask oedipus.

Wait! You're
in the clear.

Heart disease is the number
one killer among the elderly.

It's associated with
diabetes, smoking,

and lack of exercise.

All of which she had!



Shock and anger
have been linked

to sudden cardiac arrest.

Who's up for ice-cream?

Look, Tom. You can't
tell your father.

Hide the photo and lie!

Ok. Thank you.

Thoughtful to the end.

Turns out she made her
own funeral arrangements.

That is considerate.

Maybe she wanted to
spare you the expense.

She used my card.


She being interred
with your family?

Kind of, just not
the dead ones.

She's being cremated

and she wants her ashes
spread nearby... us.

How near?

This has to be a
mistake, Judith.

Ben's mother said large
hydrangea bush near the fence

and this is the large
hydrangea bush near the fence.

In our back yard.

I'm sure she didn't want
to spend eternity with us.

She hated us.

Yeah. Apparently, not as
much as she hated my garden.

No, it is a mistake, all right?

With that property line.

Somebody clearly messed with it
when that fence was being built.



You built the fence, Ben.

Bob? Hey, Bob.

Bob. Bob. Bob. Bob?

It's Ben.

A time like this
calls for compassion.

Ben, you're more than welcome

to spread your mother's
ashes on our bush.

Who knows?

Might even do the
garden some good.

Yeah. Especially
the weeping willow.

That's not weeping.

Oh, it will be.

It's so absolute.

No one close to me has died.

Well, yet.

You're supposed to
save the tough love

for when I'm into hard drugs.

What about your turtle?

She didn't die.

She went for a walk.

Yeah, on the road.

Where she died.

Don't you remember I made
you a hat from her shell?

She didn't die.

Turtles walk slow.


Death is a positive thing.

In a hundred
years, brand new people.

And turtles.

I should have gone to Judith.

Don't be silly. Us Merker women?
We're a Hardy bunch.

Chances are you'll be burying
both your father and me.

And Tom.

Well? If this is where my
mother wants her memorial,

we've got work to do.

Your mother is the gift
that keeps on giving.

I'll get the weed killer.

Hi, Phil.

Hey, Phil.


What killed grandpa bellow?

Grandma bellow.

She broke his heart by running
off with his golf partner.

That's great.

I mean, not ideal.

Actually, kinda sad.

But at least it wasn't
anything genetic.

And by broke his heart,

I mean his pacemaker
literally blew a gasket.

And what about your father?

He died in a bizarre
lawn bowling accident.

As in, he could have
lived a long, long time?

Well, sure!

If you take away the chronic
bronchitis, enlarged liver,

and incipient gigantism.

At the end, he was
just praying to die.


But don't worry.

Ben and I are very healthy.

Except for Ben's
blood pressure.

And my fibromyalgia.

Which is real.


Sorry about that.

It's ok; It was way too
cold and refreshing.

You wanna put some
sunscreen on that.

Shouldn't take much.


Ok, here's a question:

Why would we let our
neighbours use our yard

as a pet cemetery
for grandmothers?

Well, I wasn't sure
you even noticed.

It's like a parade out
there without the clowns.

I can't get any work done.

Without my siestas, I mean.

Ok, honey?

If you want Ben
out of your hair,

then why don't you
just help him out?

Problem solved.

What the hell?

What the hell?

I wanted to help Ben out!

Now that your mother's
crossed over to the other side,

I wanted you to be
able to join her.

That sounds like a threat.

Join her symbolically.

In her own special place.

Away from my lounger.

I'm touched, Phil.
Truly touched.

We're family now.

Mi casa es su casa, my friend.


Cheer up.

I made soup.

This is good.

What's in it?

Cream. Butter. Salt.

You know, I think it's time
we start eating better.

Just because we're
Young doesn't mean

we shouldn't think
of the future.

This is my comfort food.

I always eat this stuff
when I'm stressed.

What're you talking about?

I've never seen you
make this in my life.

This is grandma's soup!

She's reaching out
from beyond the grave.

Pull yourself together.

Pull myself together?

I killed my grandmother!

Now every time I look
at my father's face,

a piece of me will die.

Then tell him.

Tell him what?

Let go of the guilt.

Your dad's a practical
man; He'll understand.

You have to tell him.

You can do this.

You can do this.

Hey, dad.


There's something
I want to confess.

And I know you'll understand

because you are a very
understanding guy.

Final resting place.

Ha. The hills.

At times like this I
can't help but think

how cruel the gods can be.

She was so vibrant
and so alive.

Sorry, you were saying?

I want to confess...

That I miss her.

A lot.


That's really lovely, Tom.

She did have her
quirks, though.

The commando inspections...


The 2 am phone calls.


You really understood
her, didn't you?

Remember how she used to
imitate you when you cried?

I always thought
that was a bad dream.

Then she'd laugh.

A sweet cackle.

You killed her.

You killed us all.

You were pretty
funny back then.

Ha ha ha!

Hey. I just had
the best idea.


Nothing would make me prouder

than if you delivered
her eulogy.

My God, even saying it
makes me all Verklempt.

Does that mean suicidal?

Stop it. You're
killing me!

Well, I hope you
have great weather.

I hope a tropical storm hits.

Gillian's in Aruba.

Auntie Jean's getting botoxed.

Everyone has some
kind of excuse.

Can you blame them?

Can I ask you a favour?

Sure, honey.

Will you do grandma's eulogy?

No. No!

I cannot do it.

Your dad said you
were doing it.

Why can't you do it?

Because I killed her.

This was in her
hand when she died.

You always were my favourite.

This isn't funny.

She was eighty-nine
years old.

That's what killed her.

Not some photo.

So I should tell dad?

Oh, God, no. The only thing
telling your father will do

is make you feel better.

It certainly won't
bring grandma Lucy back.

At least I hope not.

If you feel bad about
killing your grandmother,

think how bad you'll feel
about killing your father.


Your mother's wrong.

You still think I
should tell him?

I meant wrong about you
killing your father.

The more obvious outcome
is that he'd kill you. A lot.

Well, I have to do something

because if this eulogy doesn't
kill me, then the guilt will.

Calm down. Do you
know stress can take

seven years off your life?

Thankfully, no.

I have to give a
speech about a woman

that no one can find
a nice word about.

It's not exactly soothing.

Eulogy. That's it!

It's not about
apologizing to your dad;

it's about apologizing
to your grandmother.

You know, the woman
you actually killed.

I mean not actually...

yeah, I got it.

What better way to make amends

than by doing what
no one else can?

Finding the good in her.

What do you think?
Too gaudy?

You're the oldest grandchild;

do you have any good
memories of her?

Are u u kidding?
I've got loads.

Like when she locked
you in the closet

and told you to pretend
you were an astronaut.

Hey. How did you go
to the bathroom?

Get my diapers.

Aww, like a real astronaut.

There must be some
love stories about her

that don't involve ceces;

I just have to look on them.

She called immigration on me.

Is that anything?


Doesn't he leave next door?

I guess the gate was open.

You know Phil, you've
got your own back yard.

Right there.

I didn't want to
disturb your mother.

Besides, the gate was open.

Did you take
that vitamin pills

I've left by the thing?


Did you got that colonic
that I've buy it for you?

The memorial is tomorrow
and I'm screwed.

Forgive me if I didn't feel like
having my insides detailed.

Ok. Relax.

I am going to be
condemned by this guilt

for the rest of my life.

I am literally having
heart palpitations.

Give me your hand.

Feel that?

No. My cell phone's
on vibrate.

It's a voice mail.

It's gran.

She wants me to meet her.

She can't have you!

At the liquor store.

It's a message from a week ago.

What's going on with you?

One of us is going to die first

and apparently it won't be me.

I don't want to
live without you.

That's all.

Think positively.

You could go first.

Crushed by a revolving door,
or choking on an M&M...

mowed down by a
tractor on a hay ride.

That's sweet, Tom.

But you know I suffer
from hay fever.

And you're still
getting that colonic.

For a second, I
forgot about tomorrow.

Now I'm really having
heart palpitations.

Have you noticed some
odd developments

around our yard recently?

You mean Phil droppings?

Just tonight he wandered
into our kitchen...

Looking for ice for his mojito.

What's a cocktail
without ice, really.

You know what he said?

The gate was open?

Mm hm.

You have to speak to him, Ben.

I can't say anything.

He got us that gate as a gift.

That's what the trojans said.

The rabbit
crawls under the log.

The rabbit hops over the log.

The rabbit gets crushed by the
log and found by scavengers

and ripped to a
thousand pieces.

Hey! Guess what.

I tracked down some of
your granny's old friends

from your mom's
list of mourners

and they had the best stories!

I wrote some of them down in
block letters on index cards

so they're easier
for you to read.

I will always remember
Lucy for her kindness

and care for my poor dog,
Buster as he lay dying.

Where's the part where
grandma poisons buster?

She didn't!

No. These are simply what
Lovely stories.

See? She wasn't
a total monster.


Could you let me
know if this uh...


Hey, bro.

Phil! What are you
doing in our bathroom?

Su casa me casa.

Sorry for steaming
up the place.

Wanna look spiffy
for the big event

and our water pressure is crap.

Besides ...

The gate was open?

Oh! Think you need
a new loofa!


Get out your hankies because I
am going to cremate this eulogy.

I'm glad you got
your mojo back, M.C.

And that Jessie took my advice.


Yeah, about coming up with fake
stories about your Grammy.

I probably should have told
you that after the speech.

Hey, Tom. It's time. Ok?

We're here today to celebrate
the lovely Lucille bellow,

my grandma.

As one friend recalls,

"even in her Walker, Lucy
insisted on helping..."

Helping me cross ...

I can't do this.

Why not, Tom?

Because ...

Because I stole those
stories from readers digest!

And the fact that I killed her!

I'm sorry, dad, but
grandma found a picture

of me and Jessie married
that I hid in a book.

And it was clutched
in her cold dead claw.



The shock killed her.

I tried to make it up by saying
nice things, but you know what?

She wasn't nice.

She was kind of petulant
and anti-semitic.

Ha ha.

Finally! Someone with the
guts to say it to my face.

You did hear what I just said?

Sure I did. You think
hiding that picture's

gonna keep it from my mother?

That woman had no concept
of personal property.

Unless it was hers.

Of course, she had
no compunction

about using Judith's toothbrush

to brush her dog's teeth.

Sorry, honey.

Grandma Lucy wouldn't
want us to sit around

and pretend she was nice.

I mean this is the woman
who walked me to school.

With a harness.

No wonder I hated junior high.

Let's celebrate grandma Lucy
the way she would've wanted.

She stole my
candy when I was a baby.

I was a baby so
I don't remember,

but she made sure to tell me.

Every year for chanukah,
she gave me a rosary.

So generous.

She cornered me in
the laundry room once

and helped me do my laundry.

She really knew how to separate
the whites from the colours.

That's the way she
wanted to live her life.

Grandma Lucy was epic.

There won't be
another like her.

Hey. You know?

She did bring us closer as a
family. We owe her for that.

You did hear that I
killed her, right?

I'm calling it

To grandma Lucy!

A true original!

Hear! Hear!

Hear! Hear!

Le Chaim!

And for Judith, I

Don't wear red.

It makes you look like
an over-aged hook...

ok, there's a typo there.

Is there anything in it for me?

Yeah, sweetie.
Where is it?

Uh, yeah.

"As for Monica? She
is my only hope..."

Duh. But is there
anything in it for me?

Money, bonds?


I already took her jewellery.

That's fair. She
already took mine.

Here's something
about you, Tom.

Listen to this.

You may be wondering why
I asked to be sprinkled

in your white trash
neighbours' yard.

Beyond giving me a good
chuckle, it's my gift to Tom.

There's a girl there
I've seen over the years

and I wanted to send Tom over.

If the boy has any balls,
he'll know what to do.

Maybe he can avoid the
mistake my son made

"in marrying his jewess-"

oh, it's another
typo that's.. "Judith".

She actually wanted
Tom and me to meet?

So when she found the
picture that means she died...


And old.

And so will I.

Where's grandma
when you need her?

Why on Earth are
you reading that?

It's my mother's last purchase:

The celebrity cellulite issue.

I miss her.

I know, honey.

Oh, Ben.

She knew you converted.

Oh my God.

I killed her!

Hey, Ben!

Open up!

I've got brownies in your oven!