15 Storeys High (2002–2004): Season 1, Episode 6 - Dead Swan - full transcript
Don't cry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.
You're not fat.
Or stupid.
I got carried away. You're
not ugly or boring.
You've got loads of hair.
I'm sorry, I was angry.
Course you've got a
neck and ankles.
Evil - it's just a word,
it doesn't mean anything.
Words just fall out of my mouth
like "you", "local", "bike".
It's the heat of the moment.
I've seen a bag of spanners
- you're much prettier.
That's not a moustache,
just nasal shadow.
You mustn't take me so seriously
- you don't belong in a circus!
And after all, you've got to
ask yourself - what do I know?
I'm just a health visitor.
So, where is the little fella?
Ow!
Phone!
- Phone's ringing!
- I'm busy! You get it!
I can't, it's on...
it's on the balcony!
You still got vertigo?
You've had that for weeks.
Hello?
Hello? Oh.
I don't think so. I'll check.
Mandy!
Phone for you!
Mandy!
Mandy!
No, I don't know where she is.
I'm Vince, I live here.
- Errol, is there a Mandy living here?
- No.
What does she look like?
No, definitely not.
Yeah, looks like you have
dialled the wrong...
Whoa, whoa. I'm
wasting your time?
I've had to walk from the
other end of my flat.
I'm a very busy man. I was halfway
through a sheet of bubble wrap.
But I have to drop everything cos
some chubby-fingered idiot like you
can't press buttons
with numbers on.
Oh, I've done it... I'm a
bit busy, I'll do it later.
- Who was it?
- Friend of Mandy's.
Bit harsh.
- What?
- I thought that was a bit harsh.
- He was wasting my time.
- Yeah, but it was a mistake.
- Yeah, I know!
- He didn't mean it.
Exactly!
Yeah, but if he rang for Mandy
a-and Mandy doesn't live here
and then y-you answered
and was annoyed
- and then he-he obviously didn't...
- You're getting confused.
Let me explain it in the
way of, like, a metaphor.
There's a bloke, living in a tower
block getting on with his life,
bit of bubble wrap.
Another bloke, he's trying
to get in touch with Mandy.
Now, anyone can see, that's a recipe
for - pow! - disaster. You see now?
Yeah.
Five! One, two,
three, four, five.
Treatment card. What's it say?
"You have been sectioned at a maximum
security psychiatric hospital.
"Miss two goes."
One, two, three.
D'oh! "You've been caught dressed
up as your mother again.
"Request for laxatives denied!"
My go again!
Four. One, two, three, four.
"You've beaten a manic-depressive
at table tennis."
Yes!
- "Collect two fags."
- Oh, yes!
♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out
♪ On the feast of Stephen
♪ And I was the winner ♪
Oh...
Come on...
Six! Yes!
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Treatment card.
What's it say?!
"Your medication is being reduced.
You are allowed to wear a belt."
Yes! They said I was mad!
Five. One, two, three, four, five.
Treatment card. What's it say?
- Tea.
- I haven't got time to drink tea.
I'm snowed under.
Do I look like I've got
time to drink tea?
I don't know. I just thought you
might like a nice cup of tea.
- You havin' a go?
- No.
What d'you think?
Black or white?
- Not now.
- Sorry.
Busy day, then?
It's ridiculous. I don't know
how I'm gonna get it all done.
I've gotta post two letters.
Not one - two!
Yeah? Buy some vitamins,
get a paper...
and get my holiday
snaps developed.
- When did you go on holiday?
- Couple of years ago,
I just haven't had a
chance to get 'em done.
Also I've got to watch
the rest of Catchphrase.
It was brilliant!
The picture was a bird, it was 4:30
in the morning and there's a worm...
Early bird catches the worm!
- Yeah, that's right.
- But what did the bloke say?
He got it right as well.
Won't bother
watching that, then.
Anyway, I like being busy.
I love sending letters.
What's enjoyable about
posting a letter?
Fair enough, when you're five, it's a treat
- push it through the big red mouth.
- But that soon wears off.
- Think who you're sending it to
and their smile
when they open it.
"Dear Jimmy Somerville.
"How long is it since you had a hit?
Ten years?
"Why don't you give up, if
you haven't already? Byel"
"Dear Emlyn Hughes.
"Busy?"
Errol?
Oh, sorry, I thought
you were someone else.
Cos... cos of the trainers.
I'd better go, got to get this... ooh.
Sorry, I'll get out your way.
Please, go, I've
only got one left!
No, with the new
ones you get five.
Oh, it's an old one -
you only get four.
- C'n 'elp you?
- Pardon?
- Can I help you?
- Yeah, I wanna get these developed.
D'you want one hour, two...
What was the third one, again?
I'll try that one, might be fun.
Four-twenty.
Four pounds twenty pence?
Yeah!
There you go.
So, er, when do I pick them up?
Come back...
- Tomorrow?
- No, come back...
- Next week?
- Come back...
Could you write it
down, actually?
Could you print it?
- Oh, this afternoon!
- You deaf or something?!
- Do you know who I am?
- No.
I'm a plain-clothes customer relations
officer. Do you know what that means?
No.
I'm the chief snooper for Flashysnaps.
Oh, yeah.
You were favourite for
Employee of the Month
but when you collect the award
you've got to make a speech
and frankly, Miss... Redknapp,
I don't think you're up to it.
Well done.
Come on, baby, come on, baby. I
need a five, I'm on day release.
Two!
Treatment card.
So, where you been then, Vince?
- Library?
- No.
Oh, course, no books.
- Snooker?
- No.
- Am I warm?
- No.
You've been...
selling your liver to
a rich Arab prince?
No.
Silly me, you've
only got one liver.
Been to a gallery?
No. Art's rubbish, innit?
- Sketchley's?
- No.
- Kent?
- No.
Rowing?
Screwing?
Right, here we are. This is
us getting on the plane.
- Remember that?
- Oh, yeah!
- That's the hotel.
- It was right on the beach.
Yeah. There's our room.
This is the view from our room, only you
can't see it properly cos they censored it.
- He'd only just got up.
- Morning glory.
This is the pool at night...
They censored that as well - I was
only having having a bit of fun.
You both look good with a tan.
Thanks.
- This is the hire car.
- What you can see of it.
The bonnet got very hot.
Oh, this is a really nice couple we met
- Pete and Sue.
From Gloucester.
I've seen them in the magazines.
Oh, here they are again.
Difficult to tell - according to
Flashysnaps they were performing an...
Unnatural act.
I do love an all-over tan.
Ooh, and this picture is a
little slice of history
because until this picture was taken
that ground was considered sacred.
Right... shall we?
Anyone phoned since
that wrong number?
- No.
- Better do 1471.
Hello?
Yeah, is... is Mandy there?
No, this isn't a wrong number.
I meant to phone you.
Well, I was busy
when you phoned me.
Anyway, is she there?
I know she doesn't live there.
She doesn't
here but that didn't
stop you pestering me.
Is there someone in the toilet?
- Yeah. Sergeant Hamilton.
- What?
Can I call you later? Yeah.
What time d'you go to bed?
He's been waiting for you.
Why didn't you say?
You really should leave
that bloke alone.
- I'm the innocent one.
- Innocent of what, Mr Clark?
- Nothing!
- Innocent of nothing?
Are you guilty of everything?
- I'm not guilty.
- Of what?
I don't know.
You're not guilty of something
you don't know about?
No, I'm saying I don't know
what I'm not guilty of.
That's my job - to find out.
Do you mind if I
put some music on?
Look, what's this all about?
Are these your photographs?
Oh! That's the service
she was going on about.
Your photos delivered in fancy dress.
Nice one.
You may have noticed that one
of the photos is missing.
This one. A very clear photograph
of you holding a dead swan.
That came out well...
DID YOU KILL THIS
SWAN, MR CLARK?!
WHAT?!
DID YOU KILL THIS SWAN?!
NO! I DID NOT KILL THAT SWAN!
I THINK YOU'VE GOT
SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!
ARE YOU A REAL POLICEMAN?!
- YEAH!
- HOLD ON!
Errol! Turn that music down!
Sorry!
I hope you realise, Mr Clark, that
killing a swan is a serious offence.
I didn't kill it!
Then why are you holding
it up as a trophy?
I was moving it. I was
about to put it in the bin
when my ex-girlfriend
took a photograph.
I mean, have a look at
the picture, right?
Forget the swan, the
swan's not there.
Concentrate on the
expression on my face.
That is not the
face of a killer.
No, you're laughing
your head off.
It was quite funny, actually,
as she was taking the photo the
other swan was behind her,
she didn't realise, it was about
to attack her. It was hilarious.
Broke her arm.
It wasn't that funny.
If you didn't kill
the swan, who did?
No one, it flew into a tree.
Swans don't fly into trees!
Some do.
- Cup of tea? Coffee? Squash?
- No, thanks.
You'll have to accompany
me to the station.
- Why?
- Milk? Apple juice?
No, I'm fine. On suspicion of
killing one of Her Majesty's swans.
- Was it one of hers?
- They all are!
Lemonade. I've got Nesquik...
Perhaps something stronger, like a sherry?
Or a Guinness?
No.
I do not want anything...
to drink.
Toast? Ice cream? Falafel?
Or eat.
Oh! Yeah, yeah!
- What's he in for?
- Killing a swan.
What'd he do?
He killed a swan.
Oh, I thought it was, like, you
know, chasing the dragon or...
No.
What's your favourite
crime, Sarge?
I like a good murder.
Or something light-hearted like...
a siege in a bra factory.
What about you?
Criminal damage.
You have two choices -
you go to court on a cruelty charge,
you lose, you get six months.
What? Six months what?
- Prison.
- For a swan?!
Or you plea bargain against
an old legal loophole
dating back to 1586 -
reckless conduct likely to, er,
harm or destroy Her
Majesty's wildfowl...
punishable by half a
day in the stocks.
But... I didn't do it.
I've seen the picture. Do you
want six months or half a day?
- I didn't do it!
- Look at the photo.
You are laughing your head
off and holding a dead swan.
- Any idiot can see what you've been doing.
- I know, I know.
It looks bad. It looks very bad.
Do you want half a
day or six months?
But I was putting
it in the bin...
Half a day or six months?
I was just trying to tidy
up the river bank...
All right, six months.
Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on...
Yes! Yes! Whoa!
- Errol, I need the phone.
- I won't be long.
- This is an emergency.
- Shh, it's ringing!
Hello, are you the lady who's
been looking for her cat?
Yeah, I saw your poster,
black cat with a white spot.
Mr Chuffington? Yeah...
Hello? Yeah, I saw
your cat as well.
About half an hour ago, it was ingrained
in the tread of an Eddie Stobart lorry.
I don't know if it was dead,
it was going round too fast.
Treat yourself to a new one.
Why'd you do that?
Sorry, I've got to phone
my ex-girlfriend.
Hello.
Hi, Jill, Vince here.
- Hello?
- What do you want?
How are you? Still working
for that jeweller?
What do you want?
Remember we went camping and we had that
bit of bother with the swans? Sorry.
I'm having the pins taken
out of my arm in 2003.
Sorry.
The police think I'm lying about
that swan committing suicide.
They think I killed it. I was
wondering if you'd be my witness.
- No.
- But I'm gonna be publicly humiliated.
You can still be put
in the stocks for it.
- No!
- Yeah.
- When?
- Saturday.
- Do you need tickets?
- Dunno.
Carol, Geri, what are
you doing Saturday?
You're not gonna help, are you?
- Did you kill that swan?
- No! I wouldn't go near one.
They're terrifying.
You should've seen the mess
the other one made of Jill.
She had a web mark
on her forehead.
If I hadn't belted it with a
frying pan she'd be dead now.
What happened to that one?
I killed it. Vicious bastard.
All right? I'm Grant,
I live next door.
Hello, I'm Sam.
- You've just moved in?
- Yeah, at the weekend.
- Settling in OK?
- Yes, thanks.
There's a lot of
decorating to do.
- You'll be doing that yourself?
- Yeah, I love it.
Hmm.
Er, do you work local, do you?
Mm, at the town hall.
They've got good sports
facilities, haven't they?
Do they?
Brilliant football team.
Do you play football?
- No.
- Right.
Um, look, I know this might
seem a bit awkward but, um...
since you moved in, me and my missus
we was sort of wondering, um...
Are you a girl or a bloke?
That is so rude.
I didn't mean to offend you!
No, because we're new
neighbours I was wondering
if we fall out whether I
could punch you or not.
No.
Right.
What sort of hinges d'you use?
Don't use hinges,
use hazelwood pegs.
Oh, lovely job, mate.
Oh, thanks.
It's traditional. Goes
back to olde worlde times.
We use all olde worlde tools.
Apart from the drill.
And the van.
Oh, God, it's just like
being up on a stage here.
You are.
That's what this is.
This is the perfect marriage...
of justice and entertainment.
Way ahead of its time.
Don't suppose you get to
make 'em much these days.
Oh, yeah, very busy.
Mainly export.
You can, er...
have a go if you want.
Oh, brilliant! Cheers!
Go on.
Can you let me out, please,
I wanna go toilet.
Thanks.
Make sure there's no
splinters in that!
You bastard!
It's terrible what's going on
and I just want you to know
that some of us are appalled.
I've made a banner and I'm going to
protest throughout the whole ordeal.
Um, thanks.
- Is there anything else I can do for you?
- No.
- I can sit with you, if you like.
- No, no...
Do... do I know you?
You're a fellow human being
and all suffering affects me.
Hm. What, like, people
you've never met?
Yes.
Are you telepathic or something?
No.
I mean, do you get happy
when they're happy
or is it like a sort of
one-way misery thing?
I'm only trying to help.
Yeah, I'm sorry. Sorry.
I'm just a bit stressed.
Actually, there is
something you can do.
What?
Get your roots done, you
look like a badger!
Where did you learn to do that?
Takes his time, doesn't he?
No, no, you don't understand.
I'm gonna be in the stocks.
Yeah, like in olden times.
Er, about half an hour.
That's strange, there's...
there's no one down there.
Of course! They're
boycotting it!
That's the one thing I'd forgotten about,
the basic human decency of ordinary people.
Yeah, I feel much better.
Thanks.
And if you can't remember
a simple set of numbers
get someone else to dial!
I should've realised,
this is the 21st century.
People simply won't tolerate
this kind of public savagery.
It's good to know that the human heart
beats loudest when faced with injustice.
That's what separates
us from the chimps.
Ohh, no, no, all
right, all right...
everybody drink up, it
starts in half an hour.
Let's get him!
Dear...
Wayne Sleep.
Haven't seen you
dancing for a while.
Lost your pumps?
- You havin' a go?
- No.
What's the matter?
Well, I'm gonna have
stuff thrown at me.
I don't like having
stuff thrown at me.
My mum said the amount of
stuff that gets thrown at you
is a good way of telling
how popular you are.
- Hm?
- Lots of stuff - bad.
That means I've got
nothing to worry about!
- Why's that?
- People like me round here.
- Really?
- Yeah, I'm quite popular.
I don't think you are.
I'm not saying they love
me but there's a warmth.
- No, there isn't.
- Why are you saying that?
You wanna take a look out there.
It is buzzing!
There's a real party atmosphere.
Fat ladies dancing with coppers,
they're serving gypsies in the pub.
It's like they're
livin' la vida loca.
- You're not going, are you?
- Yeah!
I was in a bit of a quandary
so I phoned my mum,
and she said, "Son, this is a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
"You missed the eclipse,
your TB vaccinations
"and your nan's
first cappuccino.
"Now go out there,
enjoy yourself
"and be like the others!"
- If you throw one thing at me...
- What?
I dunno, I'm a bit stressed,
but there'll be consequences.
I'm watching you.
Very exciting scenes here as the
prisoner mounts the platform.
He looks frightened as a rabbit,
in ironic contrast to the
graceful, serene creature
whose life he so
carelessly ended.
Swan killer!
And we're lucky to have a celebrity
guest to start the punishment.
International star of world
darts, Bobby George!
Missed!
Ha ha!
Bastard!
Ow!
Bastard!
It's only a swan!
You bastard!
Bastard!
Ow!
So, where you been then, Vince?
- Cinema?
- No.
Funfair?
Royal tournament?
No.
Course, wrong time of year.
Delivering pizzas
in a safari park?
- No.
- Oh.
Let me think.
White suit covered
in tomatoes...
Amsterdam!
- Sorry about before.
- It's fine. Don't worry about it.
Got a bit carried away.
Forget about it.
So, um, what were
the consequences?
Nothing much.
It's aversion therapy. One day you'll pluck
up courage to go out on that balcony
and your reward - a
lovely pair of trainers.
You're not fat.
Or stupid.
I got carried away. You're
not ugly or boring.
You've got loads of hair.
I'm sorry, I was angry.
Course you've got a
neck and ankles.
Evil - it's just a word,
it doesn't mean anything.
Words just fall out of my mouth
like "you", "local", "bike".
It's the heat of the moment.
I've seen a bag of spanners
- you're much prettier.
That's not a moustache,
just nasal shadow.
You mustn't take me so seriously
- you don't belong in a circus!
And after all, you've got to
ask yourself - what do I know?
I'm just a health visitor.
So, where is the little fella?
Ow!
Phone!
- Phone's ringing!
- I'm busy! You get it!
I can't, it's on...
it's on the balcony!
You still got vertigo?
You've had that for weeks.
Hello?
Hello? Oh.
I don't think so. I'll check.
Mandy!
Phone for you!
Mandy!
Mandy!
No, I don't know where she is.
I'm Vince, I live here.
- Errol, is there a Mandy living here?
- No.
What does she look like?
No, definitely not.
Yeah, looks like you have
dialled the wrong...
Whoa, whoa. I'm
wasting your time?
I've had to walk from the
other end of my flat.
I'm a very busy man. I was halfway
through a sheet of bubble wrap.
But I have to drop everything cos
some chubby-fingered idiot like you
can't press buttons
with numbers on.
Oh, I've done it... I'm a
bit busy, I'll do it later.
- Who was it?
- Friend of Mandy's.
Bit harsh.
- What?
- I thought that was a bit harsh.
- He was wasting my time.
- Yeah, but it was a mistake.
- Yeah, I know!
- He didn't mean it.
Exactly!
Yeah, but if he rang for Mandy
a-and Mandy doesn't live here
and then y-you answered
and was annoyed
- and then he-he obviously didn't...
- You're getting confused.
Let me explain it in the
way of, like, a metaphor.
There's a bloke, living in a tower
block getting on with his life,
bit of bubble wrap.
Another bloke, he's trying
to get in touch with Mandy.
Now, anyone can see, that's a recipe
for - pow! - disaster. You see now?
Yeah.
Five! One, two,
three, four, five.
Treatment card. What's it say?
"You have been sectioned at a maximum
security psychiatric hospital.
"Miss two goes."
One, two, three.
D'oh! "You've been caught dressed
up as your mother again.
"Request for laxatives denied!"
My go again!
Four. One, two, three, four.
"You've beaten a manic-depressive
at table tennis."
Yes!
- "Collect two fags."
- Oh, yes!
♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out
♪ On the feast of Stephen
♪ And I was the winner ♪
Oh...
Come on...
Six! Yes!
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Treatment card.
What's it say?!
"Your medication is being reduced.
You are allowed to wear a belt."
Yes! They said I was mad!
Five. One, two, three, four, five.
Treatment card. What's it say?
- Tea.
- I haven't got time to drink tea.
I'm snowed under.
Do I look like I've got
time to drink tea?
I don't know. I just thought you
might like a nice cup of tea.
- You havin' a go?
- No.
What d'you think?
Black or white?
- Not now.
- Sorry.
Busy day, then?
It's ridiculous. I don't know
how I'm gonna get it all done.
I've gotta post two letters.
Not one - two!
Yeah? Buy some vitamins,
get a paper...
and get my holiday
snaps developed.
- When did you go on holiday?
- Couple of years ago,
I just haven't had a
chance to get 'em done.
Also I've got to watch
the rest of Catchphrase.
It was brilliant!
The picture was a bird, it was 4:30
in the morning and there's a worm...
Early bird catches the worm!
- Yeah, that's right.
- But what did the bloke say?
He got it right as well.
Won't bother
watching that, then.
Anyway, I like being busy.
I love sending letters.
What's enjoyable about
posting a letter?
Fair enough, when you're five, it's a treat
- push it through the big red mouth.
- But that soon wears off.
- Think who you're sending it to
and their smile
when they open it.
"Dear Jimmy Somerville.
"How long is it since you had a hit?
Ten years?
"Why don't you give up, if
you haven't already? Byel"
"Dear Emlyn Hughes.
"Busy?"
Errol?
Oh, sorry, I thought
you were someone else.
Cos... cos of the trainers.
I'd better go, got to get this... ooh.
Sorry, I'll get out your way.
Please, go, I've
only got one left!
No, with the new
ones you get five.
Oh, it's an old one -
you only get four.
- C'n 'elp you?
- Pardon?
- Can I help you?
- Yeah, I wanna get these developed.
D'you want one hour, two...
What was the third one, again?
I'll try that one, might be fun.
Four-twenty.
Four pounds twenty pence?
Yeah!
There you go.
So, er, when do I pick them up?
Come back...
- Tomorrow?
- No, come back...
- Next week?
- Come back...
Could you write it
down, actually?
Could you print it?
- Oh, this afternoon!
- You deaf or something?!
- Do you know who I am?
- No.
I'm a plain-clothes customer relations
officer. Do you know what that means?
No.
I'm the chief snooper for Flashysnaps.
Oh, yeah.
You were favourite for
Employee of the Month
but when you collect the award
you've got to make a speech
and frankly, Miss... Redknapp,
I don't think you're up to it.
Well done.
Come on, baby, come on, baby. I
need a five, I'm on day release.
Two!
Treatment card.
So, where you been then, Vince?
- Library?
- No.
Oh, course, no books.
- Snooker?
- No.
- Am I warm?
- No.
You've been...
selling your liver to
a rich Arab prince?
No.
Silly me, you've
only got one liver.
Been to a gallery?
No. Art's rubbish, innit?
- Sketchley's?
- No.
- Kent?
- No.
Rowing?
Screwing?
Right, here we are. This is
us getting on the plane.
- Remember that?
- Oh, yeah!
- That's the hotel.
- It was right on the beach.
Yeah. There's our room.
This is the view from our room, only you
can't see it properly cos they censored it.
- He'd only just got up.
- Morning glory.
This is the pool at night...
They censored that as well - I was
only having having a bit of fun.
You both look good with a tan.
Thanks.
- This is the hire car.
- What you can see of it.
The bonnet got very hot.
Oh, this is a really nice couple we met
- Pete and Sue.
From Gloucester.
I've seen them in the magazines.
Oh, here they are again.
Difficult to tell - according to
Flashysnaps they were performing an...
Unnatural act.
I do love an all-over tan.
Ooh, and this picture is a
little slice of history
because until this picture was taken
that ground was considered sacred.
Right... shall we?
Anyone phoned since
that wrong number?
- No.
- Better do 1471.
Hello?
Yeah, is... is Mandy there?
No, this isn't a wrong number.
I meant to phone you.
Well, I was busy
when you phoned me.
Anyway, is she there?
I know she doesn't live there.
She doesn't
here but that didn't
stop you pestering me.
Is there someone in the toilet?
- Yeah. Sergeant Hamilton.
- What?
Can I call you later? Yeah.
What time d'you go to bed?
He's been waiting for you.
Why didn't you say?
You really should leave
that bloke alone.
- I'm the innocent one.
- Innocent of what, Mr Clark?
- Nothing!
- Innocent of nothing?
Are you guilty of everything?
- I'm not guilty.
- Of what?
I don't know.
You're not guilty of something
you don't know about?
No, I'm saying I don't know
what I'm not guilty of.
That's my job - to find out.
Do you mind if I
put some music on?
Look, what's this all about?
Are these your photographs?
Oh! That's the service
she was going on about.
Your photos delivered in fancy dress.
Nice one.
You may have noticed that one
of the photos is missing.
This one. A very clear photograph
of you holding a dead swan.
That came out well...
DID YOU KILL THIS
SWAN, MR CLARK?!
WHAT?!
DID YOU KILL THIS SWAN?!
NO! I DID NOT KILL THAT SWAN!
I THINK YOU'VE GOT
SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!
ARE YOU A REAL POLICEMAN?!
- YEAH!
- HOLD ON!
Errol! Turn that music down!
Sorry!
I hope you realise, Mr Clark, that
killing a swan is a serious offence.
I didn't kill it!
Then why are you holding
it up as a trophy?
I was moving it. I was
about to put it in the bin
when my ex-girlfriend
took a photograph.
I mean, have a look at
the picture, right?
Forget the swan, the
swan's not there.
Concentrate on the
expression on my face.
That is not the
face of a killer.
No, you're laughing
your head off.
It was quite funny, actually,
as she was taking the photo the
other swan was behind her,
she didn't realise, it was about
to attack her. It was hilarious.
Broke her arm.
It wasn't that funny.
If you didn't kill
the swan, who did?
No one, it flew into a tree.
Swans don't fly into trees!
Some do.
- Cup of tea? Coffee? Squash?
- No, thanks.
You'll have to accompany
me to the station.
- Why?
- Milk? Apple juice?
No, I'm fine. On suspicion of
killing one of Her Majesty's swans.
- Was it one of hers?
- They all are!
Lemonade. I've got Nesquik...
Perhaps something stronger, like a sherry?
Or a Guinness?
No.
I do not want anything...
to drink.
Toast? Ice cream? Falafel?
Or eat.
Oh! Yeah, yeah!
- What's he in for?
- Killing a swan.
What'd he do?
He killed a swan.
Oh, I thought it was, like, you
know, chasing the dragon or...
No.
What's your favourite
crime, Sarge?
I like a good murder.
Or something light-hearted like...
a siege in a bra factory.
What about you?
Criminal damage.
You have two choices -
you go to court on a cruelty charge,
you lose, you get six months.
What? Six months what?
- Prison.
- For a swan?!
Or you plea bargain against
an old legal loophole
dating back to 1586 -
reckless conduct likely to, er,
harm or destroy Her
Majesty's wildfowl...
punishable by half a
day in the stocks.
But... I didn't do it.
I've seen the picture. Do you
want six months or half a day?
- I didn't do it!
- Look at the photo.
You are laughing your head
off and holding a dead swan.
- Any idiot can see what you've been doing.
- I know, I know.
It looks bad. It looks very bad.
Do you want half a
day or six months?
But I was putting
it in the bin...
Half a day or six months?
I was just trying to tidy
up the river bank...
All right, six months.
Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on...
Yes! Yes! Whoa!
- Errol, I need the phone.
- I won't be long.
- This is an emergency.
- Shh, it's ringing!
Hello, are you the lady who's
been looking for her cat?
Yeah, I saw your poster,
black cat with a white spot.
Mr Chuffington? Yeah...
Hello? Yeah, I saw
your cat as well.
About half an hour ago, it was ingrained
in the tread of an Eddie Stobart lorry.
I don't know if it was dead,
it was going round too fast.
Treat yourself to a new one.
Why'd you do that?
Sorry, I've got to phone
my ex-girlfriend.
Hello.
Hi, Jill, Vince here.
- Hello?
- What do you want?
How are you? Still working
for that jeweller?
What do you want?
Remember we went camping and we had that
bit of bother with the swans? Sorry.
I'm having the pins taken
out of my arm in 2003.
Sorry.
The police think I'm lying about
that swan committing suicide.
They think I killed it. I was
wondering if you'd be my witness.
- No.
- But I'm gonna be publicly humiliated.
You can still be put
in the stocks for it.
- No!
- Yeah.
- When?
- Saturday.
- Do you need tickets?
- Dunno.
Carol, Geri, what are
you doing Saturday?
You're not gonna help, are you?
- Did you kill that swan?
- No! I wouldn't go near one.
They're terrifying.
You should've seen the mess
the other one made of Jill.
She had a web mark
on her forehead.
If I hadn't belted it with a
frying pan she'd be dead now.
What happened to that one?
I killed it. Vicious bastard.
All right? I'm Grant,
I live next door.
Hello, I'm Sam.
- You've just moved in?
- Yeah, at the weekend.
- Settling in OK?
- Yes, thanks.
There's a lot of
decorating to do.
- You'll be doing that yourself?
- Yeah, I love it.
Hmm.
Er, do you work local, do you?
Mm, at the town hall.
They've got good sports
facilities, haven't they?
Do they?
Brilliant football team.
Do you play football?
- No.
- Right.
Um, look, I know this might
seem a bit awkward but, um...
since you moved in, me and my missus
we was sort of wondering, um...
Are you a girl or a bloke?
That is so rude.
I didn't mean to offend you!
No, because we're new
neighbours I was wondering
if we fall out whether I
could punch you or not.
No.
Right.
What sort of hinges d'you use?
Don't use hinges,
use hazelwood pegs.
Oh, lovely job, mate.
Oh, thanks.
It's traditional. Goes
back to olde worlde times.
We use all olde worlde tools.
Apart from the drill.
And the van.
Oh, God, it's just like
being up on a stage here.
You are.
That's what this is.
This is the perfect marriage...
of justice and entertainment.
Way ahead of its time.
Don't suppose you get to
make 'em much these days.
Oh, yeah, very busy.
Mainly export.
You can, er...
have a go if you want.
Oh, brilliant! Cheers!
Go on.
Can you let me out, please,
I wanna go toilet.
Thanks.
Make sure there's no
splinters in that!
You bastard!
It's terrible what's going on
and I just want you to know
that some of us are appalled.
I've made a banner and I'm going to
protest throughout the whole ordeal.
Um, thanks.
- Is there anything else I can do for you?
- No.
- I can sit with you, if you like.
- No, no...
Do... do I know you?
You're a fellow human being
and all suffering affects me.
Hm. What, like, people
you've never met?
Yes.
Are you telepathic or something?
No.
I mean, do you get happy
when they're happy
or is it like a sort of
one-way misery thing?
I'm only trying to help.
Yeah, I'm sorry. Sorry.
I'm just a bit stressed.
Actually, there is
something you can do.
What?
Get your roots done, you
look like a badger!
Where did you learn to do that?
Takes his time, doesn't he?
No, no, you don't understand.
I'm gonna be in the stocks.
Yeah, like in olden times.
Er, about half an hour.
That's strange, there's...
there's no one down there.
Of course! They're
boycotting it!
That's the one thing I'd forgotten about,
the basic human decency of ordinary people.
Yeah, I feel much better.
Thanks.
And if you can't remember
a simple set of numbers
get someone else to dial!
I should've realised,
this is the 21st century.
People simply won't tolerate
this kind of public savagery.
It's good to know that the human heart
beats loudest when faced with injustice.
That's what separates
us from the chimps.
Ohh, no, no, all
right, all right...
everybody drink up, it
starts in half an hour.
Let's get him!
Dear...
Wayne Sleep.
Haven't seen you
dancing for a while.
Lost your pumps?
- You havin' a go?
- No.
What's the matter?
Well, I'm gonna have
stuff thrown at me.
I don't like having
stuff thrown at me.
My mum said the amount of
stuff that gets thrown at you
is a good way of telling
how popular you are.
- Hm?
- Lots of stuff - bad.
That means I've got
nothing to worry about!
- Why's that?
- People like me round here.
- Really?
- Yeah, I'm quite popular.
I don't think you are.
I'm not saying they love
me but there's a warmth.
- No, there isn't.
- Why are you saying that?
You wanna take a look out there.
It is buzzing!
There's a real party atmosphere.
Fat ladies dancing with coppers,
they're serving gypsies in the pub.
It's like they're
livin' la vida loca.
- You're not going, are you?
- Yeah!
I was in a bit of a quandary
so I phoned my mum,
and she said, "Son, this is a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
"You missed the eclipse,
your TB vaccinations
"and your nan's
first cappuccino.
"Now go out there,
enjoy yourself
"and be like the others!"
- If you throw one thing at me...
- What?
I dunno, I'm a bit stressed,
but there'll be consequences.
I'm watching you.
Very exciting scenes here as the
prisoner mounts the platform.
He looks frightened as a rabbit,
in ironic contrast to the
graceful, serene creature
whose life he so
carelessly ended.
Swan killer!
And we're lucky to have a celebrity
guest to start the punishment.
International star of world
darts, Bobby George!
Missed!
Ha ha!
Bastard!
Ow!
Bastard!
It's only a swan!
You bastard!
Bastard!
Ow!
So, where you been then, Vince?
- Cinema?
- No.
Funfair?
Royal tournament?
No.
Course, wrong time of year.
Delivering pizzas
in a safari park?
- No.
- Oh.
Let me think.
White suit covered
in tomatoes...
Amsterdam!
- Sorry about before.
- It's fine. Don't worry about it.
Got a bit carried away.
Forget about it.
So, um, what were
the consequences?
Nothing much.
It's aversion therapy. One day you'll pluck
up courage to go out on that balcony
and your reward - a
lovely pair of trainers.