15 Storeys High (2002–2004): Season 1, Episode 5 - Pool Kids - full transcript

- You're up early.
- I didn't have much choice.

Why don't you ask her
to turn it down?

- How do you know it's a woman?
- Saw her moving in.

- What's she like?
- I only saw her hands and her feet,

she was carrying a wardrobe.

Seemed like a nice person.

- Surely you should be asking her?
- No.

I'll do it.

Never get involved
with your neighbours.

They're all nutters.

Like that fella opposite,
keeps moving my doormat.

- I'm not sure he does.
- He moves it!

Bit to the left, bit to the right -
sometimes in the middle of the hall.

- But why?
- Because he's a nutter.

They all are. If you want my advice,
don't even nod at them in the lifts.

What if they're really friendly?

Just... be ignorant.

Something really bad must
have happened to you once.

No, and I aim to
keep it that way.

We used to have a really mad
neighbour, worked for the water board.

He used to have loads of pens in his
top pocket - about seven or eight!

- Yeah?
- You only need one pen.

What's the connection
with the water board?

That was his job.

Eight pens!


Ooh, baby, I'm so hot for youl


Ooh, so big.

Oh, you're a stayer, ain't ya?

Three hours, you naughty boyl


Why don't you bang on the wall?

Because this is
the 21st century.

If I'm hungry I don't dig a pit and
wait for a dozy mammoth to stroll by.

That's why you're
in the big chair.

Oh. I thought that was to
protect you from splashing.




The only danger now is if she surrenders
entirely to my civilising force.

I'm in a nightclub!

A nightclub!

No, I'm not eating
- I'm off my face!

Look, hold on a sec,
I'll go outside.

Hang on!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hi, Jules.

Jules? Just a friend.

A friend!

That's better, I
can hear you now.

Yeah, no, I'm fine! I've been
having a great time since we, um...

You know? How about you?
You seeing anyone?

Right, right... Me?

Nothing serious, you know.

Um, well...

Oh, the club? It's called...

Schindlers. Hang on a sec.

I'm really sorry about the music,
it's my ex-boyfriend, you know?

It's really difficult
at the moment with him.

I've got to go, you're cracking up.

So, er, Karen, you've never
done any acting before?


So this'll be your first
time, er, performing?


OK, don't be nervous.

I'm not nervous.

Right. Good.

Well, you've got your script.

Right, pretend this is Oxford
Street, you're out shopping.

All right, ladies!

Come and get your perfume,
I've got all the brand names!

Calvin Klein, Estée Lauder,
Chanel - three for a tenner!

Three for a tenner? That's cheap.
Is it really Calvin Klein?

Course it is, sweetheart.

I'm not stupid - these
cost a fortune!

I told you, no improvising.
Stick to the script.

Is it really Calvin Klein?

- Course it is, sweetheart.
- They must be stolen.

Nah, I'm a mate of Calvin's. I'm
doing him a favour - no VAT.

No, I'm not doing that.

- Do the line.
- I can't say that.

Read it out.

Oh, thank you so much, now I will
smell better for less money.

You look a bit wet, Vince.
You fall in?

Yeah, yeah, I fell in.

I've never noticed the 30-metre
wet patch in front of me!


I didn't fall in,
I got splashed.

You should be more careful.

It's better than being caught with
three bikinis in your locker.

That's right, buddy,
you walk away.

There's only room for
one arse in this chair.

No, that's not right.

I don't care what colour you paint
the kitchen - nobody cares!

I know that lion!

I've seen that lion before!
Show some other bleedin' lions!

- Up next on four...
- Oh, lovely!

Another queer! Thanks very much!

Oh, mate!

Can you do me a favour and turn
me Walkman up? I love this track.

Don't even nod at
them in the lifts.

Can you turn it up for us?

I really love this track!
Can you turn it up, please!

Oh! Oh...

Dirty... dirty bastard!

Come on, Brian, it's
not rocket science.

That's easy!
Everyone knows that!

He invaded Poland! Moron!

Having a great timel How about you
at home - having a good time? I

I'm not having a good time
and do you know why?!

Cos I only slept with two
women in my entire life

and it's not enough!

Oi, stop that.

- What?
- Those noises.

It don't say anything
on the board about it.

It doesn't say anything about Viking
funerals but we don't allow them either.

You having problems?


If you can't handle the
deep end I could take over.

You can't stop them
making noises.

Sometimes you gotta
be a bit unorthodox.

Remind them they're
playing by your rules.

- You watch a prison film last night?
- No. I watched Flubber.


Go on, out.

You can't stay here making
fart noises all afternoon.

- That wasn't very good.
- I'll get my dad on you.

- You haven't got a dad.
- Yes, I have!

Not at home.

No, Mr Foley, it
wasn't like that.

How am I supposed to know
if he's got a dad or not?

Well, in future I'll just
let them do what they want.

Yeah, like I'm scared of a
bunch of ten-year-olds.

I know you don't need this.
You're a very busy man.

Organising swimathons, getting
the hot chocolate machine fixed.

No, I mean it! I really admire the
way you order all that chlorine.

Hiya, I'm Zara.

Could you do us a
bit of a favour?

I'm a bit colour-blind. I
need to know - is that blue?

- No.
- Oh! Thank God for that!

- I'm not pregnant.
- No.


Here, nuts?

What's the matter with you?

That is very bad.

Feel sorry for you, man.

Yeah... I love these nuts.

Just... be ignorant.

This floor is sticky.

Hey, why don't you talk to me?

Are you a racist?

No, I was just being ignorant!


- This Gandhi bloke is amazing.
- Yes, Gandhi!

- Cheers to Gandhi.
- Cheers to Gandhi!

- Gandhi ji.
- Gandhi ji!

Be the change you want
to see in the world.


Saw a film last night.

Gotta clean up the sticky
patch by the lifts.

What, cos you saw a film?

Be the change you want
to see in the world.

So easily influenced,
aren't you?

Shame you didn't see Mrs Doubtfire,
could've cleaned it up hours ago.

- What was that?
- Another banger.

- Didn't you hear them in the night?
- No, I was drinking rum.

Oh, it's these kids, they're
trying to get back at me.

I happened to say that...
Oh, it doesn't matter.

- That was a rocket!
- Mm.

There's a very clear
pattern forming here.

- Explosions, dog poo, fireworks.
- What happens next?

No idea, it's one of
them random patterns.

Could be my phone number on a
toilet door offering relief or...

amputation of a favourite limb.
It's that random.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Shit. Shit.



Directory inquiries,
which town, please?

I've got half a number, I
just can't remember the rest.

- Without a name I can't help.
- You might recognise it.

- I hear millions of numbers.
- But it's the one off the, er...

0891 diddle-a diddle-a diddle-a.

Yeah, that does sound familiar.

0891 diddle-a diddle-a diddle-a.

- The number you require is...
- 0891 21 23 24.

Be the change you want
to see in the world.

Hiya, just cleaning
this mess up.

Yeah, I can see that.

You're the caretaker,
aren't you?

What if someone slips on that
patch and breaks their leg?

- Go to the hospital.
- After that.

Mm, come home, friends come round,
write their names on the plaster...

No, no, no, they
sue the council.

The council blames me,
I say "It wasn't me,"

they say "why not?" I say...

- I'll make sure it's dry.
- No, that's a ten grand claim there.

That wet patch is
like a blank cheque.

- What was there before?
- Sticky goo. Like syrup.

Right, you go down the
shops, get some syrup

and pour it in exactly
the same spot.

- Just thought I'd help out.
- Who do you think you are? Sting?

No, I'm... I'm Gandhi.

Yeah, yeah, it is a bit windy.

Well, it might clear up...
I don't know.

Don't you wanna know
what I'm wearing?

Nol No, I just like chatting. Have
you heard that new David Gray CD?

- It's bloody excellent.
- It's all right.

So you don't wanna try and
meet me, then, and drug me?

What? No.

Er, um... so you've got all your
clothes on and you just wanna chat?

Aye, that's right.

You're not gonna
try and pester me

and photograph me in the woods with
my knickers draped on the hedge?



Hiya! Did you have a
party last night?

No. No, it's these kids,
they're trying to, um...

They... Um, it doesn't matter.

Thanks for helping me out yesterday.
I was just really worried.

I've just split up with my boyfriend
and I wanna start a new life.

New friends, a...

- Not very good with blue lines, are you?
- What?

You're wearing a blue armband, should've
been out of the pool half an hour ago.

Staff announcement.
Message for Vince.

Mum smells and Dad wears a bra.

Sorry, Vince, I've
just been handed this.

Why do you have to do
this sort of thing?!

The caretaker told me to,
because people break

their legs to get money
off the council.

- Drugs, is it?
- You don't understand...

I don't! You just want to spoil
everything for everyone!

Scratching cars and
weeing in the lifts.

No, I can't go in public!

I have to use a cubicle. I
can't go with people around.

You are sick.

Staff announcement.
Message for Vince.

You lick men's cock...
Oh, sorry, Vince.

Must remember to look at
these before I read 'em out.

Oh, you naughty boy.

Have you had a bit
of an accident?

Mm, syrup.

I love syrup...

No, don't touch that, please.

Don't be silly, I wasn't going
to eat it off the floor.

Do you know how I am?


- Really?
- I haven't a clue.

I... I think you've got
something in your hair.

No, it's naturally shiny.

No, I think it's a ring-pull.

I think you've got it.

Those bloody things
get everywhere.

Oi! Get off and milk it!

I'm walking. You can only
say that if I'm on a bike.

- Your wheel's going round!
- I haven't got a bike.

- Bitch!
- Slapper!

- I'm a bloke!
- Short arse! Midget!

I'm six foot one! I don't mind
insults if they're accurate.

- Baldy!
- I'm not bald.

- Spamhead.
- Egghead!

You can only say that if
I haven't got any hair.

- He looks like Ian Beale!
- He's not bald either!

- Baldy!
- I'm not bald!


- Where's my matches?
- By the phone.

- Tobacco?
- On the table.

- What about my bus pass?
- In your pocket.

- Keys?
- There.

- What's for dinner?
- Macaroni cheese.

- Any veg?
- No.

- Pudding?
- Ice cream.

- How's your mum?
- Improving.

- Colin?
- Can't get hold of him.

- Tried work?
- Yeah.

- Mobile?
- Yeah.

- Home?
- Yeah.

- Taped This Is Your Life?
- Yeah.

- Who was it?
- Garth someone.

- Good?
- All right.

Where's my matches?

Ohh, that's beautiful.
What was it like before?


- Can I touch it?
- No! What?

Your hair. Does it come off?

Get... out!

I don't...


I can't help you! It's a wind-up.
This is real!

It's these kids, they're trying...
I'm not bald!

- You finished?
- Yep.

- What was that?
- Macaroni cheese.

Macaroni cheese? You'd think a
dish called macaroni cheese

would have an equal amount
of macaroni and cheese.

What you cooked should be called
macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni

macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni
macaroni macaroni macaroni cheese

macaroni macaroni macaroni
macaroni macaroni macaroni.

What I want is cheese cheese
cheese cheese cheese cheese

cheese cheese cheese cheese
cheese cheese cheese macaroni

cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese
cheese cheese cheese cheese.

All right, I'll do it with
more cheese next time.

- Ta. What's for pudding?
- Spotted dick.


I'd better be going. Er, can
I get my syrup back, please?

Don't go, don't go! You haven't
finished your drink yet.

I don't really like
Greek liqueurs.

Sorry, ran out of tea.

Let's have a conversation, we
might have something in common.

- Do you get asthma?
- No.

I mean, you might have seen
something I've been in.

- Oh.
- A film. Hm.

- No.
- Shaken not stirred, Mr Bond.

Look, I've sprayed my finger.

No, sorry, it's...

- Maybe if do the whole thing?
- What you doing? You can't...

do... Oh... What...?

Careful, you'll get paint
in your eyes if you...

- I've done it before!
- Oh, right.

Oh, come on, you must know now!

- I really don't know, I'm sorry!
- You must know!

- Who?
- I'll put some music on.

I really wanna know
who you are, I do.

Oh, Mr Bond!

Oh, right, from the film
on the bed with the paint.

- Yes! What took you so long?
- You're green.

I ran out of gold.

I know you're down here!

This has got to stop.

We need to meet.

Sort this out.


King's Head, saloon bar?
Eight o'clock?

That'll be a bit difficult
for us, stupid.


The Burger Box, half five.

Spot spot spot spot spot spot spot
spot spot spot spot spot spot dick

spot spot spot spot
spot spot spot spot.

What I want is dick
dick dick dick

dick dick dick dick dick
dick dick few spots

dick dick dick dick dick
dick dick dick dick.

All right, I'll do it with
a bit more dick next time.

All right, see you later.

All right? I'm Vince.

- I'm Lee.
- Bradley.

Carl, Don't Say
Much, and Fatboy.

- How do.
- Not having a Coke?

I don't like sweet things.

- Deep voice. You sure he's ten?
- Don't start!


So I think things have got a
bit out of hand, haven't they?

How do we end this feud?

- What's a feud?
- A disagreement.

- Will an apology do?
- What's an apology?

- It means you're sorry.
- That's no good! We want some stuff!

- Yeah. Booze, fags...
- And a grenade.

- I can't get you a grenade!
- Crossbow?

No, no weapons.

- I'll pay for you to go to the fair.
- Yeah!


I went to the fair once. They said,
"D'you wanna go on a scary ride?"

I said, "I don't need to, I came
on the bus with my mother."


- Where d'you wanna go?
- Lisbon!

- What's that?
- Capital city of Portugal.

I wanna go to a film festival

and stay at t'Boa Vista Hotel
with its legendary facilities.

No! That's boring.

You can't go to Lisbon,
or have booze or fags.

Tell you what, I'll buy you a Happy
Meal and... take you to the cinema.

On the condition you don't
hassle me or call me baldy.

Can we have a moment, son?
Thank you.

All right, right.

I've discussed it with
my associates and...

it's a unanimous decision
- on these conditions.

The Happy Meal must have
a vegetarian option.

And the movie must be something from
the Kubrick retrospective at the NFT.

Great. So, er, what am I?

Not bald.

- Oh, I can't hear you.
- Not bald!

Hm. Pardon?

Listen, son, you've got
the mane of Samson.

You could be the lead in a Timotei ad.
From behind I thought you were Fabio!

- Now, can we go?!
- All right, keep it down.

- You're embarrassing me.
- So?

- Already?
- Yeah.

- I thought it was earlier.
- No.

- Been raining?
- Yeah.

- Heavy?
- No.

- Is the heating on?
- Mm.

- Can I sit next to you?
- No.

- Fancy a kiss?
- No.

- Cuddle?
- Hm.


All right.

- What position?
- Normal.

- What about doggy?
- Don't mind.

Doggy, then.

If you like.

- Shall I start?
- Yeah.

Nah. The moment's passed.

I said I'm not pregnant!

I just thought you'd
like to know!

I'm at the opera!

The opera!

Of course it's shit!

You said you didn't
bang on walls.

You know when you see a film and for a
couple of hours you're the main character?


I've just seen The Shining.