15 Storeys High (2002–2004): Season 2, Episode 1 - Vince the Shirker - full transcript

One, two, three, tap. OK, so let's
march step forward to the 7V

One, two, three, tap, and back.

And again. And back.

Let's do it two more times.

One last time, should
be getting it now.

I'm worn out already.

Here we go - one,
two, three, tap.

Right up, that's it. And again.

Tap. Nice...

Starting to fee! relaxed?

Yeah? Really calming down.

Breathe in.

Come on then, here we go.

And tap. And take it back...

Then we're gonna march
on the spot right here.

You might remember this
from the last video.


So step forward, and halt.
It goes one, two, and hold.

One, two and hold.

- Who's that?
- Melinda.

And this is Virgil.

- What's going on?
- Melinda's video's broken down

and she's a bit fat after the baby,
so I said she could use ours.


- How Long have you known her?
- About half an hour.

I was going round the block getting
sponsors and we just got chatting.

One more...

- She could be a nutter.
- No, she's a single mum.

There's usually a good
reason why they're single.

And again - here
we go, three taps.

- Will you sponsor me?
- No.

- It's for sick kids.
- Good.

Let's go - one, two,
three tap, arms up.

Hurry Take it back.

One last time. Here we go.

Drop and tap.

You haven't fed him any of
that egg-fried rice, have you?

The rice - it bungs 'em
up, it gives 'em cramps.

Jesus Christ, I'll have
to check the bedding.


Jesus Christ! He's escaped!

She says thanks very much
for lending the video.

See? I can be nice.

I wouldn't call it nice.

All right, not nice.
It was accurate. Hm.

She was in tears.

That was sweat. Anyway, you can't dance
round a stranger's house in your pants

and not expect a few comments.

Ryan... comes out the cage.

What's the first thing he needs?

The sofa. Jesus Christ,
he's in the sofa!

Move! Move! He-He-He's gone
down the back of the sofa!

I'm going in! Hang on a minute...
I'm coming, Ryan!

He's gone down the back of the...

Hold on a minute. Jesus Christ.

Hold on a minute,
there's no opening.

Jesus Christ, who made this pile of shit?
They've sealed the whole lot in!

Hold on a minute.

He's probably gone in the mainframe.
Right, get off the sofa.

Move off, I'm goin' in.
Hold on, I'll move it...

Su Lu, move off the sofa. The sofa.
Off. Sofa. Sofa.

I've got to get... Ah, it's
like talking to a brick wall.

Move off the sofa! Oh!

That's tight...
got to get there.

Don't have a go at me,
this was all your fault.

- What did I do?
- You said, "yeah"

when the correct answer
was "eh-eh". No.

Well, I don't like saying no.

Well, you should learn.
You should learn that...

the only time you need to
say "yes" is at the airport

when they say, "Did you
pack these bags yourself?"

The rest of the time it's no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hang on a minute.
I'm comin', Ryan!

I'm coming!

Hold on a minute. Unpick
that - unpick the stitching

Right, that's worked loose.

You should be able
to get out of that.

Su Lu, you bang the other end.
Bang the armrest!

I'll get him as he comes out. I've
got it covered. Bang the armrest.

Get the tambourine. That's it!
The tambourine!

That's it, good. Now, bang the tambourine.
The tamb... Bang-bang!

Bang-bang! No, not the...

Jesus Christ! Not there, on the
side of the... Look ok, like this.

You bang the end, and we'll chase Ryan
out the back, like that. Barn barn!

Jesus Christ. He's
made a run for it!

Who was covering the other end?!

Ryan! Ryan! Ryan!

Thanks, Malik. It's for
the children's hospital.

We need money for security guards
and a new barrier for the car park.

I love to help the children.
Now you do me a favour.

- Two air freshener, please.
- You bought two yesterday.

In my country they only sell.
the spray.

Hey, hey, left a bit.

Left a bit!

Up a bit. Yeah, them two.

I love this country.

Sun newspaper, Channel 5, The
Boat Show, titties everywhere!

I can't believe
anyone could do that.

Yeah. Huge, isn't it?

- I meant in the pool - Oh.

But It ls... big.

It's magnified by the water. Once
you get down there you'll see.

I'm not going - I
did it last time.

- It turned out it was a coconut.
- Wasn't my fault.

- Well, I'm not doing it.
- Neither am I.

We'll. just have
to leave It then.

- We could, couldn't we?
- What, pretend we haven't seen it?


OK. You stay here and
I'll go down that end.

No, I'll go down
the shallow end.

Oh, cos Stacey's here, isn't it?

No, she's not... I
didn't even see her.

I just... fancied going
down there for a change.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What?

- Yeah, go on, go on.
- You're pathetic.

I need a part for an Alfa Romeo.
Do you do Alfa parts?


Fantastic-o. I've been looking all over.
Nobody does Alfa parts round here.

- Don't they?
- No, it's a nightmare.

Look, I need an XD14O thrust washer.
You got one?


You got it here?

- Yeah.
- You're a star, mate.

Little place like this, I
bet you've got a spare

set of wings for Chitty
Chitty Bang Bang.


I know someone who'd
enjoy your classes.

Send her along.

I warn you, she
can't take a joke.

Is it your girlfriend?

No. No way.

No. I can't really see you with a girl.
Or a bloke.

- What do you mean?
- You're a bit funny.

One of the girls said
you're creepy, but I

said, "No, he's all
right, just a bit weird."

What? W-Weird? What...
What sort of...?


- What's he doing?
- Idiot.

He's funny. Oh, I was gonna ask you -
what are you doing tomorrow night?

Oh, nothing. Why, you,
er, thinking of...?

No. No, no, no, it's Darren's birthday
and we thought it'd be a Laugh

if only one of us turns
up at the pub and he

thinks he's got to spend
all night with you,

and you go for a meal and
we're all at the restaurant.


Such an arsehole.

You don't wanna do it?

No, I'll do it.

I'm having trouble finding
the XD14O thrust washer!

You will do, you will have
trouble - we ain't got any.


Oh, no, I've told the
bloke that we had some!

- Well, go and tell him we ain't.
- I don't like doing that.

Maybe I can go and pick
some up in the van?

The best part of this job

is telling some jumped-up prick we
ain't got the part for his poxy motor.

- You'll make more money.
- They cost 32p.

- Oh.
- Do I Look like I need 32p?

You took your time. You got it?


Where is it?

You've actually got it
here in this building?

Yeah. Yeah.

Come on, mate, don't piss me about.
You have got it, haven't you?

Yeah, er... Do you need
any air fresheners?

- No.
- Very popular.

- Where is it?
- Would you like to sponsor me?

- No!
- It's for sick kids.

- They need a security guard...
- I need the part.

Oi! Batty man!

Oi-oi! Come here! Oi!

I'll have you!

Here, mate - hold
that for a minute.

- Oi!
- But... I'm going the other...

OK. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, OK, great.
Yeah, bye.

- What have you said "yeah" to now?
- Nothing.

- Does It affect me?
- Not very much.

I was in casualty and I met this really
nice old couple who sponsored me and I...

- What you doing?
- 11:71.


Vince, it's all right, I just...

Hello. Hello, it's
Errol's flatmate here.

The Chinese fella.

No, not really. Look, whatever he just
said "yes" to, the answer is now "no", OK?

It's changed. It was "yes", it's now "no".
It's different, you understand?


OK, bye.

You shouldn't have done that.

Where's he gonna keep
all his cactuses?

His wife's going blind, she
keeps bumping into them.

That's why they
were in casualty.

Firstly, the plural of
cactus is not cactuses

it's cactises. Cactises.

Secondly, you've got to learn
to say "no" to people.

They're taking the piss.

Some of his cactuses
were 8O years old.

It's cactises! Cactises...

All right, cactises.

He's been collecting 'em
since he was a boy.

They're nice people!

And I think I pay rent here.
I'm only just helping out.

They're just some plants. He had
a snake, I said "no" to that.

- HI, Chloe.
- Oh, hello.

I forgot to tell you the
restaurant for Darren's birthday.

- Oh.
- 8:30.

I'm really excited, are you?

Darren's gonna be
gobsmacked, isn't he?

How did you get my address?

- From the office.
- Well, who told you?

I Looked in your file. Sony.

- Why just ask one of the other...?
- Nobody knows.

When I saw your file, I
couldn't help reading a bit.

What does it say? Cos
Darren saw it first.

I never saw it, he said, "Look at that."
I said, "You clear it... you saw it."

It was his turn. I did it last time. He
should've... You know what he's like.

Cos it was big. Somebody
shoutd've sorted that out.

No, it was your medical records.

Ohh... Phew.

You've only got one... testicle.


Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.


It's terrible.

I won't tell anyone, cos
my dad had one removed.

I bet that hurt. Ohh!

Sod that for a game of soldiers.

No, I was born like this.

I can see now why
you're like you are.

Must make you very defensive.

Well, yeah. Yeah, it does, because,
well people don't understand.

You know? It's so hard to find
someone to just talk to about it.

- It's very hard.
- Well, if you ever need to talk.

What, about... about that?

Yeah, and anything else.

All right, we'll go out
for a drink sometime.


Yeah. I'll see if there's
space in my diary.

- OK.
- Plenty of space in my pants...

Ahem. See you tomorrow.

Keeps moving my mat over there.

Prick. Well, he's...

See-See you tomorrow.


Oh, all right then.

Take care. Yeah.


- Jean?
- Yeah.

- Dog's dead?
- No.

- Her veins are playing up?
- No.

- She's lost her pension book?
- No.

- Frank's dead?
- Yeah.

Are you sure?

You're really? I mean, the word
"cacti", that sounds like one.

It... All right, all
right, calm down, yeah.

Yes, well, yeah, OK, bring
'em round whenever you want.

Yeah, that's fine. Bye.

Thanks, Vince. And you're right, I
really should say "no" to people.

And, you know, that's
exactly what I'm gonna do.

After the swim-a-thon.

- You can't swim.
- I know. Can I borrow some trunks?

Can I have that
middle one, please.

In this country, do they
make peanuts for homosexual?

I don't think so.


- All right, Darren?
- Hooray! All right?

Yeah - lot of hassle. Someone's
nicked the temporary bus stop sign.

The bus went straight past, people milling
about - it's like Glastonbury/ out there.

Ahh. Happy birthday.

Yeah, do you want a drink?

No, Let's get something to eat.

Where ls everyone?

I don't think they're turning up.
I'm Late, and I bothered.

It's just me and you.

Well, I've got a pint, you know,
give it a couple of minutes.

All right.

- Come on, they're not coming.
- They might.

They're not. Well,
they said they're not.

“ Who? ' Everybody,



Well..give it a couple
more minutes anyway.

- [Come on, Let's get something to eat.
- What do you want, a cum]?

- [No, I fancy Italian.
- What about a really hot cum]?

- I said I fancy Italian.
- I want something spicy.

- I want something cheesy.
- I don't like pasta.

- I don't like rice.
- It's my birthday.

- I'm the only one who turned up.
- We'll have Italian then.

- Right.
- Good.

Wanna know a good restaurant?
Try that Chinese down the road.

- Blindin', it is.
- You want good food?

You go to my brother's

Tell them you Mehmet's friend, you get
free drinks. They have belly dancers.

We're having Italian.

Free drinks, belly
dancers, you know...

If we don't have Italian, I'm going home.
That's it.

- All right, we'll have Italian.
- Right.

- I'm just going to the toilet.
- Oh!

All right, Tom? Do us a
Lager, will you, mate?

Ronnie been in?

OI - you, innit?

- You nicked my coat!
- No, I left it... Didn't you get it?

- It was in the restaurant.
- You what?! Oi! Hey, get back 'ere!

It's in the restaurant!


- Still not here yet?
- Nah.

Look, mate, it's in the...
Oh fuck!

Oh, fuck!

- Can we order starters? I'm starving.
- They'll. be here soon.

I bet Vince has
messed it all up.

There's a lot about
Vince you don't know.

Ls there bollocks!

Never caught those
kids, did you?


How Long ago did he leave?

And the other one?

Right, thanks very much.


I don't talk to strangers
about my breasts!

- Well, thanks a Lot. Thanks a Lot.
- Where you been?

I went everywhere looking for you.
What did you leave me In the pub for?

What? I come out of the toilet and
you'd gone. I thought I was on me own.

I waited for you in the pub.
And then I went in

the toilets looking for
you - you weren't there.

Where'd you go? Were you so desperate
for a curry you went out the window?

No, I didn't...

I'm the only one here
on your birthday

and you leave me in the pub.

- Sony, mate, I just thought you'd gone.
- Hm.

Well, Let's go and have Italian.
Come on.

[Well, I've got a curry now.
Have a cum].

- No, they're disgusting.
- No, it's lovely.

- Come on.
- What was that?

The reason we have to
have Italian, Stacey has

organised a surprise
birthday party for you.

- Really?
- She doesn't fancy you.

The surprise element's gone but
we can have a good time. Come on.

Why didn't you tell me that
before you licked my dinner?

I was being crafty. It didn't work out.
Come on.

I shouldn't have got this,
I should've got that.

I can't believe he'd do
that, just let us down.

You all right?


What was you saying?

Oh, about Vince. I can't
believe he'd let us down.

Just like my dad.

He's only got one
bollock, as well.

Right... it's a big surprise.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Don't let me down.

Coat's in the restaurant! Hey?


Wow! What a surprise!

This is amazing! I'm
really surprised.

He told you, didn't he?


- Knob!
- Ohh!

[He wanted a cum]!

♪ Since you been gone,
since you been gone

♪ La-la-la la-la la-la

♪ La-la la-la ♪

Oh, yeah. Yeah, very good.

Because I'm missin' ball.
Get it? Missin' ball?

- Mm-hm.
- Oh, I got one, I got one!

♪ I am the one and only

♪ You can't take
that away from me ♪

- Rick Astley!
- It wasn't Rick Astley.

♪ Like a bat outta hell I'll be
gone when the morning comes ♪

- Meat Loaf!
- Meat Loaf.

I got one. ♪ You took the
words right out of my mouth

♪ Must've been when
you were kissing me ♪

- That doesn't make sense.
- It's Meat Loaf.

We're singing Meat Loaf songs.

We're singing songs about
me having one testicle.

- Are we?
- I got one.

♪ The first time...

♪ Ever I saw your...


Stop it! You're all
being really horrible.


Yeah, you should be
ashamed of yourselves.

This is a disgraceful way to
treat a man with one testicle.

Do you know what it's like to have
one testicle? Do you? Any of you?

Do you know what it's like to
have one testicle? Do you?

You don't, do you? No. No.

Neither do I. I haven't got one. I've got
two. I haven't got one, I've got two.

Two testicles, me. Two, not one.

Yeah? So sing some
songs about that.

- ♪ Two Little boys had two
Little toys... ♪ - Oh...

What do you mean,
you've got two?

I thought you'd be pleased.

Why would you lie?

Well, I've never done
any travelling, haven't

got any hobbies. On paper
my life looks dull.

I've been to Holland once
- Rotterdam.

- ♪ It takes two, ♪ - I told you
about my dad and everything.

- ♪ “just me and you ♪ - I bet you
don't wanna go for a drink now.

No, you're too weird.

What? I'm weird? Oh, yeah, I'm the
weird one. I'm the weird one, yeah.

"Oh, Vince, I don't like you,
you've got two testicles.

"Ooh, that's better, now you've got one.
Let's go and have sex.

"Ugh! You've got one again!
Ugh, go away!"

Yeah, I'm weird. I'm
the weird one, yeah.

It's not like that. Why
would you want people

to think you had one
when you had two?

I was being crafty, you know.
It didn't work out.

Come on.

Come... What's the matter?

You got an Aquaerobics exam?

Suit yourself.

Oi! I know you move my mat!


I know it's you.



Ow! Bollocks!


Ohh, what's...?


Shit! Who the fuck?!

What...? Ow!

I've got to get up
early for work.

Yeah, me too.

- We're having a nice time, aren't we?
- Yeah.

Relax, we don't have
to do anything.

I've got a bottle of
champagne in the fridge.

No, I really have to go.

- You sure?
- Yeah. Thanks anyway.

I better call you a cab.





Oh... oh...

Errol! You going to
the swim-a-thon?


Oh, good. You finally had
the courage to be negative.

No, I can't get out of bed!

Can you help me?

Huh! What do you think
the answer to that is?

It's me

I think we got off on... Look, one of us
needs to apologise and I don't think...

Hold on, I can't awake fills... {five
written It down. I'll call you back.

Most blokes have got
two, what's your...'

Why don't you go and
sleep with your dad?

This isn't a phone call I
will regret in the morning.

Get your motor running, whoo!

Head out on the highway...

All right, Stacey. Great
night, see you at work.