1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 2, Episode 5 - Bringing in the Dead - full transcript

male announcer:
IT'S TIME TO SAY GOOD-BYE

TO A FEW WHO JUST
DIDN'T SEE IT COMING.

- OOH!

announcer:
A BEER-BLITZED BARFER...

- [vomiting]

announcer:
A HELL OF A BELLY DANCER...

A PUNCHY BOXER...

A SHREDDING RABBI...

A SAFE-CRACKING CRACKER...

- OOH!

announcer:
A SPICE GIRL LOVER...



AND A BLIND DRIVER.

THEIR MISFORTUNE
IS OUR GOOD LUCK

ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF...
- [gasping]

announcer:
1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

[rock music]

DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.

OTHERS CAN'T GET
OUT OF ITS WAY.

EVERY DAY WE FIGHT
A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS...

TOXINS...

INJURY...

ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.

THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS
TO WIND UP DEAD.

THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL
IS A MIRACLE...



BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

*

[laughing, whooping]

NATURE DOES ITS BEST
TO ERASE ITS OWN MISTAKES.

IT'S CALLED
THINNING THE HERD.

THESE TWO BOZOS
WEREN'T JUST THIN...

- WHOA!
- [horn honks]

announcer:
THEY WERE MENTAL ANOREXICS.

- I HAD RIGHT OF WAY.

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

announcer: IF THESE GUYS
WEREN'T SO DRUNK,

THEY WOULDN'T BE LAUGHING.

- IT'S THE COPS.

announcer: MORE THAN HALF
OF FATAL CAR ACCIDENTS

INVOLVE DRUNK DRIVING.

- I'M DOING ALL I CAN.

- [giggling]

WE DON'T EVEN HAVE BELTS ON!

[laughter]

announcer: AMOS AND LARRY
MANAGED TO AVOID THE LAW.

- [laughing]

announcer: BUT THERE'S NO WAY
THEY CAN ESCAPE

THEIR BIGGEST THREAT--
THEMSELVES.

- [gags] OH, THAT WAS--
THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.

announcer:
BIG SURPRISE--

AFTER TWO SIX-PACKS,

LARRY WAS FEELING
A LITTLE CARSICK.

- TAKE-- TAKE THE WHEEL.
TAKE THE WHEEL.

- YEAH.
[laughs]

- ALCOHOL IS AN IRRITANT
TO THE STOMACH LINING,

AND VOMITING IS THE BODY'S
NATURAL WAY OF CLEARING ITSELF

OF ANY POISONS OR TOXICITIES
THAT'S BEEN BUILT UP.

- YOU OKAY?

announcer:
LARRY WAS ON A LOSING STREAK.

FIRST HIS LUNCH...

THEN...

- [laughing]

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN?

AAH!

OH, MY GOD!

- IF WE COULD LOOK AT A HEAD
STRIKING A MAILBOX

AT THE MOMENT OF IMPACT,

WE'D SEE THE SKIN BE LACERATED.

THE BRAIN WILL COLLIDE
WITH THE INSIDE OF THE SKULL,

AND AFTER DECAPITATION,
THERE'S A LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS

AND IMMEDIATE BRAIN DEATH.

- HOLY COW!

OH, GOD!

announcer:
DRINKING AND DRIVING DON'T MIX.

THAT'S A HEADS-UP
FOR ALL OF YOU.

[exotic music]

SOME PEOPLE SHOOT FOR THE STARS.

OTHERS NEVER GET OFF
THEIR FAT DUFFS.

NATASHA WAS A MOVER
AND A SHAKER

SHE HAD HER EYES
FIXED ON ONE GOAL--

TO WIN THE BELLY DANCER
OF THE UNIVERSE COMPETITION.

- BELLY DANCING'S
A WAY OF EXPRESSION.

IT'S VERY EROTIC, VERY HOT,

AND IT'S GOT A LOT
OF CULTURE BEHIND IT.

IT'S ABSOLUTELY SEXY.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE MAKING LOVE
TO THE AIR.

[laughing]

announcer: NATASHA
HAD ALREADY PUT HERSELF

THROUGH VETERINARIAN SCHOOL

BY DANCING AT LOCAL
MIDDLE EASTERN RESTAURANTS

AND NIGHTCLUBS.

FOR NATASHA,
THE 5,000-YEAR-OLD DANCE FORM

WAS THE ULTIMATE EXPRESSION
OF SENSUALITY.

*

THE BELLY DANCER
OF THE UNIVERSE COMPETITION

WAS HER SUPER BOWL.

DANCERS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD
WOULD BE COMPETING.

TO WIN IT, SHE WOULD HAVE
TO TAKE HER SKILLS

TO THE HIGHEST LEVEL
IMAGINABLE.

SHE IMPLEMENTED
A RIGOROUS TRAINING SCHEDULE,

THE EQUAL
OF ANY PRO ATHLETE.

EVERY NIGHT,
SHE WOULD COME HOME FROM WORK

AND PRACTICE SHAKING,

SPINNING,

SWAYING, AND SPLITTING

UNTIL EXHAUSTED.

BUT SOMETIMES,
WHEN YOU SHOOT FOR THE STARS...

YOU WIND UP LOST IN SPACE.

- THE LARYNX
IS A VERY INTRICATE,

WELL-DEVELOPED TISSUE.

IF THIS GETS CRUSHED,

ALL OF A SUDDEN,
YOU'VE CHOKED OFF

THE OXYGEN SUPPLY
TO THE LUNGS,

AND AS A RESULT,
YOU CAN ASPHYXIATE TO DEATH.

announcer: NATASHA NEVER MADE IT
TO THE COMPETITION.

INSTEAD OF BECOMING
THE NUMBER ONE DANCER...

SHE BECAME
ONE NUMB DANGLER.

UP NEXT,
AN UP-AND-COMING FIGHTER

WITH AN EMBARRASSING SECRET

AND...

A LIQUOR MAN...
- OH!

announcer:
TAKES A LICKING.

announcer: A BOXING GYM
IS A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE COME

TO MAKE THEIR DREAMS
COME TRUE...

ONE PUNCH AT A TIME.

BOBBY "SLEDGEHAMMER" JONES

WAS NO DREAMER.

HE WAS THE REAL DEAL.

- THERE YOU GO, BOBBY.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I WANNA SEE.

announcer: BOBBY
WAS A PROMISING LIGHTWEIGHT

WHO PACKED
A WICKED RIGHT HAND...

- THERE YOU GO!

announcer: THAT HE HOPED
WOULD TAKE HIM TO THE TOP.

- ONE, TWO.
GOOD, GOOD.

COME ON, CHAMP.

announcer: ONE TRICK HIS TRAINER
USED TO GET THE MOST

OUT OF HIS RIGHT CROSS

WAS TO CHALLENGE
THE SLEDGEHAMMER'S MANHOOD.

- WHAT ARE YOU, A LADY?

- I AIN'T NO LADY!

- BOOM!
THERE YOU GO.

announcer:
AFTER EVERY WORKOUT,

THE MACHO FIGHTER CHOSE
AN UNUSUAL WAY TO RECOVER.

HE WOULD ENTER
THE LOCKER ROOM A MAN...

AND WALK OUT...A WOMAN.

HE LIKED TO STEP OUT
IN A PAIR OF 6-INCH STILETTOS

AND A TIGHT-FITTING
COCKTAIL DRESS.

- I CAN TOTALLY RELATE
TO THE BOXER'S STORY,

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, LET'S SAY
YOU'RE, LIKE,

YOU KNOW, A REALLY MACHO GUY.

JUST TO BE ABLE TO, LIKE,
YOU KNOW, JUST SOFTEN YOURSELF

AND, YOU KNOW, TAKE ON
THIS COMPLETELY OTHER IDENTITY--

IT'S, LIKE, KINDA LIKE
BREAKING THE RULES, YOU KNOW?

announcer:
IT'S A GOOD BET

THAT A RAPIST WHO HANGS OUT
BY A BOXING GYM

DOESN'T GET A LOT OF ACTION.

SO IMAGINE HIS SURPRISE
WHEN A HOT BABE STEPPED OUT,

LOOKING MIGHTY FINE.

- OKAY, LADY,
YOU CAN MAKE THIS HARD,

OR YOU CAN MAKE IT EASY.

- GUESS WHAT?

I AIN'T NO LADY!

- AT THAT POINT OF IMPACT,
THEY CALL IT A COUP.

AND THAT'S WHERE THE BRAIN
HITS THE SKULL.

BUT THEN IT REFLEXIVELY
GOES BACKWARDS,

AND IN THE BACK,
THE OPPOSITE 180

OF WHERE THE COUP INJURY,
IS A CONTRECOUP.

SO YOU CAN GET
TWO DIFFERENT INJURIES.

announcer:
THE RAPIST MIGHT NOT HAVE

RECOGNIZED BOBBY
AS A CROSS-DRESSING BOXER.

BUT HE DID SEE HIS RIGHT CROSS.

- I AIN'T NO LADY!

announcer: IN FACT,
IT WAS THE LAST THING HE SAW.

LIGHTS OUT...LOSER.

JASPER CAME FROM
A LONG LINE OF MOONSHINERS.

BUT BEFORE HE HIT
ON THE FAMOUS BLEND IN 1911,

HE HAD A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

- MM!
I HATE IT.

WOULDN'T GIVE IT
TO MY DOG!

announcer: BREWING BOURBON
IS A SOUTHERN TRADITION.

- BATCH NUMBER SIX?

MORE CHARCOAL!

announcer: RECIPES ARE HANDED
DOWN FROM ONE GENERATION

TO THE NEXT.

- THE FAMILY RECIPE
IS PROBABLY A COMBINATION

OF DIFFERENT TYPES OF GRAINS.

IT COULD BE CORN,
MALTED BARLEY,

RYE, WINTER WHEAT,

PLUS THE YEAST
AND THE WATER SOURCE.

ALL THOSE COME TOGETHER
TO MAKE GREAT WHISKEY MAKING.

announcer: THE ONLY WAY
TO ACHIEVE THE PERFECT MIX

WAS TO TASTE IT...

OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

ONE DAY,
AFTER A HARD DAY'S WORK

OF HARD DRINKING,
JASPER FINALLY NAILED IT.

- BATCH NUMBER SEVEN...

THAT'S THE ONE.

HERE'S TO YOU, STONEWALL!

announcer: JASPER KEPT A SAFE
IN HIS OFFICE,

WHERE HE STORED
THE SECRET FORMULA.

AND ONLY HE KNEW
THE COMBINATION.

BUT YEARS OF TESTING
HIS OWN PRODUCT

HAD ADDLED HIS MEMORY.

FRUSTRATED,
THE DRUNK SPIRIT MAKER

GAVE IT THE BOOT.

- OH!
OH, OH, OH!

announcer:
THE SAFE STAYED CLOSED,

BUT HE DID OPEN A LARGE GASH
ON HIS BIG TOE.

- AN INFECTION STARTING
IN THE FEET IS QUITE COMMON.

IF A MAN WERE TO KICK A SAFE

AND JUST HAVE AN INFECTION
SPREADING FROM A CUT ON HIS TOE,

THAT INFECTION WILL SPREAD
UP THE LEG FROM THE TOES

AND CAN CAUSE INFECTIONS
OF THE BLOODSTREAM.

announcer:
JASPER DIDN'T KNOW IT,

BUT HE HAD KICK-STARTED
HIS DEATH CLOCK,

AND HE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

- THAT DON'T LOOK GOOD.

- IT DON'T FEEL GOOD NEITHER.

- IT DON'T SMELL RIGHT.

announcer:
HIS BODY HAD BECOME SEPTIC.

INFECTION WAS RUNNING RAMPANT
THROUGHOUT HIS BLOODSTREAM.

- BACTERIA GROWING IN YOUR BLOOD
RELEASE TOXINS

FROM THEIR CELL WALLS,
AND THAT CAN CAUSE INFLAMMATION,

ELECTROLYTE ABNORMALITIES,
DEHYDRATION,

AND EVENTUALLY DEATH
FROM SEPSIS

OR DEATH FROM
OVERWHELMING INFECTION.

- JEDEDIAH...

ONE LAST DRINK.

- HERE YOU GO.

- [groans]

BATCH NUMBER SEVEN...

SURE WAS THE ONE.

announcer:
JASPER DIED THE WAY HE LIVED--

SIPPIN' ON THE GOOD STUFF.

COMING UP, A HOT DATE
GETS A LITTLE TOO SPICY...

- SMELL IT.

- [gasping]

announcer:
AND ONE OF THE CHOSEN

NEEDS A HOSIN'.

announcer: SUZETTE
WAS COOKING UP A PLAN--

MAKE A GOOD DINNER
TO BAG A NEW BOYFRIEND.

AND THIS CHEF
HAD ALL THE RIGHT INGREDIENTS.

- NOT ONLY IS THIS GONNA BE
THE BEST MEAL OF YOUR LIFE,

IT'S GOING TO BE
THE BEST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE.

announcer: SUZETTE WAS ALWAYS
THE HOTTEST DISH IN THE KITCHEN.

AS FOR HER COOKING,
SHE WAS GUILTY OF OVER-SPICING.

- IT'S ALL ABOUT THE SPICES.
YOU HAVE TO SMELL THIS ONE.

JUST SMELL IT.

THESE ARE ALL IMPORTED
FROM INDIA.

- WHAT MAKES FOOD SPICY
ARE CAPSINOIDS.

- THAT AROMA!
I KNOW!

- THIS PARTICULAR MOLECULE
STIMULATES

THE NEURAL RECEPTORS
IN YOUR BODY,

AND THAT WILL ACTUALLY RESULT
IN AN INFLAMMATORY RESPONSE.

- [coughing]

announcer: SUZETTE'S
NEW SUITOR HAD ASTHMA.

BRETT THOUGHT
IT MADE HIM SEEM WEAK,

SO HE KEPT IT A SECRET.

A FEW HIDDEN HITS
FROM HIS INHALER

SET HIM STRAIGHT.

- MM.
CAN WE SKIP DINNER?

- NO!
I TOLD YOU.

YOU HAVE TO GO SIT DOWN.

announcer: BRETT WOULD BE
FORCED TO SAMPLE HER COOKING

BEFORE SHE LET HIM LOOSE
ON HER FULL-COURSE BODY.

- SMELL THIS ONE.
SM-- OH!

announcer: BUT THIS WAS TURNING
INTO BRETT'S LAST SUPPER.

- YEAH, YOU OKAY?
- I'M GOOD.

- WHEN YOU INHALE SPICES,
AS OPPOSED TO EATING IT,

IT GOES DIRECTLY TO YOUR ALVEOLI
WITHIN YOUR LUNGS

AND GOES DIRECTLY INTO
YOUR BLOODSTREAM VERY RAPIDLY.

- OKAY, I WANT YOU TO SMELL IT.
NO, GET DOWN AND SMELL IT!

OH, MY GOD, IT'S INCREDIBLE!
- [coughing]

announcer:
THE OVER-SPICED CHICKEN

TRIGGERED THE MOTHER
OF ALL ASTHMA ATTACKS.

AND, TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE,

BRETT'S INHALER RAN OUT.

- [coughing]
- WHAT'S WRONG?

- WHEN YOU INHALE THE THING
THAT YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO,

CHEMICALS GET RELEASED,
LIKE HISTAMINES,

AND THAT CAUSES
MUCUS PRODUCTION.

IF YOU HAVE TOO MUCH
HISTAMINE RELEASE,

YOU CAN THEN HAVE
OVERWHELMING RESPONSE

THAT COULD BE
POTENTIALLY FATAL,

BECAUSE IT COULD MAKE YOU
STOP BREATHING.

- [gasping]

- OH, MY GOSH,
STOP DOING THAT!

announcer: SUZETTE TRIED
TO LURE HER NEW MAN

WITH HER CULINARY SKILLS
WITH DISASTROUS RESULTS.

- OH, MY GOD, HE'S DEAD.

announcer: INSTEAD OF EATING IN,
BRETT BECAME TAKE-OUT.

SHELDON WAS AN ORTHODOX JEW
WITH AN UNORTHODOX PROBLEM.

HE HAD MOVED
FROM BROOKLYN TO HAWAII

TO OPEN UP
A NEW JEWELRY STORE.

AND NOW HE WAS IN LOVE
WITH A BEAUTIFUL HULA DANCER.

HER NAME WAS LAILANI,
AND SHELDON WAS CAPTIVATED

BY THIS GOLDEN-SKINNED MORSEL
OF FORBIDDEN FRUIT.

- THE FRUIT
IS MORE FORBIDDEN,

BECAUSE AN ORTHODOX JEW
LIVES IN A RELIGION

THAT HAS VERY STRICT RULES
ABOUT CUSTOM,

ABOUT DRESS,
ABOUT WOMEN IN GENERAL.

announcer: SHELDON MADE A NUMBER
OF ATTEMPTS TO WOO HIS NATIVE.

FIRST, HE LEFT BOWLS
OF KREPLACH ON HER DOORSTEP

MADE OUT OF POI.

- * HAVA, NAGILA HAVA

announcer: HE WOULD STAND
OUTSIDE HER HOUSE

SINGING JEWISH FOLK SONGS
ON A UKULELE.

- GO AWAY, PLEASE!

LEAVE ME ALONE!

- HE'S OVERCOME WITH
SEXUAL ATTRACTION, PROBABLY.

AND WHEN PEOPLE
BECOME INFATUATED,

IT CAUSES PEOPLE TO DO THINGS

THAT THEY MIGHT NOT OTHERWISE DO
EVER IN THEIR ENTIRE LIFE.

announcer: HE EVEN WENT
SO FAR AS TO TRY SURFING

TO GAIN HIS LOVE'S ATTENTION.

BUT AS ALWAYS,
IT WAS A WIPEOUT.

*

ONE EVENING, SHELDON
WAS SO OVERCOME WITH DESIRE,

HE CRASHED A LUAU
WHERE LAILANI WAS PERFORMING

WITH HER DANCE TROUPE.

all: WHOO!

- PSST! LAILANI!

LAILANI!
- OH, GOD.

- OVER HERE!
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU NEED TO LEAVE, NOW!

- I WANT TO MAKE YOU MY WIFE.
- WHAT?

- BUT YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO CONVERT.

announcer:
LAILANI WAS MORTIFIED.

- I'M SORRY, YOU GUYS.

announcer:
SHE WANTED NOTHING TO DO

WITH HER DARK-SUITED SUITOR.

- YOU'RE A FREAK!

- HERE, HAVE A MAI TAI.

announcer:
REJECTED,

SHELDON STARTED
HITTING THE SAUCE.

- ALOHA!
all: ALOHA!

announcer:
HE'D NEVER BEEN DRUNK BEFORE,

BUT AFTER FIVE MAI TAIS,

SHELDON WAS FEELING NO PAIN.

IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT,
THE VERY DRUNK SHELDON

THOUGHT IT A GOOD IDEA

TO JOIN
IN THE TRADITIONAL TORCH DANCE.

[laughter]

HIS PASSION
WAS ABOUT TO IGNITE.

SHELDON SPUN
LIKE A RED-HOT DREIDEL.

THE TOURISTS
WATCHED IN AMAZEMENT,

THINKING IT WAS PART
OF THE SHOW.

- WHEN INDIVIDUALS
GET BURNED

TO A SIGNIFICANT PART
OF THEIR BODY,

THEY'VE LOST ALL
THERMOREGULATORY PROTECTION

FROM THE SKIN.

THIS PUTS THEM
IN A HYPERMETABOLIC STATE

WITH INCREASED HEART RATE,
INCREASED RESPIRATORY RATE,

INCREASED TEMPERATURE.

THEY LOSE A LOT OF PROTEINS
AND FLUIDS,

WHICH THEN WOULD
EVENTUALLY LEAD TO DEATH.

announcer:
SHELDON WANTED THE ONE THING

HE COULDN'T HAVE.

- LEAVE ME ALONE!
- LAILANI!

announcer: BUT HIS DREAMS,
ALONG WITH EVERYTHING ELSE,

WENT UP IN FLAMES.

[overlapping shouting]

AFTER THE BREAK,

WHEN THIS GUY
GETS BEHIND THE WHEEL,

GET OUT OF THE WAY.

announcer: AN OLD RETIREE
AND A LOW-LIFE THUG.

WHAT DO THEY HAVE IN COMMON?

NOT A THING...

UNTIL THEY HAPPEN
TO CROSS PATHS

AT THE INTERSECTION
OF FATE AND DEATH.

SHUGGY WAS A LIFELONG BAD GUY.

IN AND OUT
OF GANGS AND PRISONS,

HE NEVER MADE AN HONEST BUCK
HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

ARTHUR WAS
WAS AN 85-YEAR-OLD PENSIONER

LIVING OUT
HIS AUTUMN YEARS ALONE.

HE WAS AT PEACE WITH HIMSELF
AND THE LIFE THAT HE HAD LIVED.

SHUGGY WAS CASING OUT
HIS NEXT HOLDUP--

A GAS STATION
CONVENIENCE STORE.

HE PULLED UP HIS HOODIE
AND MADE HIS MOVE.

JUST UP THE HILL,
ARTHUR WAS ABOUT TO OBSERVE

HIS DAILY RITUAL.

UNABLE TO DRIVE
DUE TO FAILING EYESIGHT,

HE WOULD GET BEHIND THE WHEEL
OF HIS OLD CLASSIC,

START IT UP, SIT BACK,

AND TRAVEL THROUGH
A LIFETIME OF MEMORIES.

BACK AT THE STORE,
SHUGGY WAS ON THE PROWL

WHILE...

ARTHUR DRIFTS OFF.

BUT THIS TIME,
HE GOES ALL THE WAY

AND CROSSES THE THRESHOLD
FROM LIFE TO DEATH.

SHUGGY POUNCES ON THE CLERK

AND KNOCKS HIM SENSELESS.

THE WORN-OUT
EMERGENCY BRAKE SLIPS,

AND THE OLD MAN'S CAR
STARTS ROLLING DOWN THE HILL.

SHUGGY MAKES A CLEAN GETAWAY...

WHILE THE CAR GATHERS STEAM
WITH A DEAD MAN DRIVING.

FINALLY...
BAD GUY MEETS DEAD GUY.

- OH!

- THERE'S A STUDY THAT SHOWS
THAT THERE'S ABOUT, UH...

100,000 ACCIDENTS PER YEAR

THAT HAPPEN BECAUSE
PEOPLE LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS

FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER.

AND THOSE ARE FATAL ACCIDENTS.

[thud]

announcer: 3,500 POUNDS
OF AMERICAN IRON

DID A NUMBER ON MR. SHUGGY.

- YOU GET ON THE THIGH
OR THE FEMUR, LET'S SAY,

WHICH IS ONE OF
THE STRONGEST BONES IN THE BODY,

THE BODY HAS NOT MUCH WAY
TO GIVE.

NOW, WHEN YOU HIT THE GROUND,
YOU COULD ALSO BOUNCE BACK UP

AND HIT BACK DOWN AGAIN,
GETTING MASSIVE INJURIES.

YOU COULD RUPTURE SOME OF
THE IMPORTANT BLOOD VESSELS.

YOU CAN START
GETTING BLOOD DRAINING

INTO AREAS WHICH IT
HAS NO BUSINESS TO BE IN,

AND YOU CAN BLEED TO DEATH.

announcer:
ARTHUR NEVER MET SHUGGY

WHILE HE WAS ALIVE...
- OH!

announcer: SHUGGY WISHES
THEY NEVER MET AT ALL.

- IT'S ORIGINAL.